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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 (2012)

Posted in 2012, Adult Fairy Tales, Bad Acting, Blockbusters, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Just Plain Bad, Melodrama, Twilight, Twist Endings, Vampire Movies, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A cemetery. L.L. SOARES has just finished filling up a grave. He rests on his shovel and looks at the tombstone with says “TWILIGHT.” MICHAEL ARRUDA arrives in a long black car and gets out.  He’s wearing a party hat and carrying balloons.  DRIVER of hearse steps out, appalled.)

DRIVER:  Balloons?  This is a funeral!  This is most inappropriate!

MA:  No it’s not.  This is a funeral for the TWILIGHT series.

LS (calling over):  Did you bring the vampire strippers?

MA (looks at Driver): And you think I’m inappropriate?

DRIVER:  I’m appalled!

MA: Don’t lose your shirt, Taylor Lautner.  (to LS) I didn’t bring any strippers.

LS: No strippers? Damn!

MA: We need to review a movie after all.  I didn’t think we needed the distraction.

LS:  Who asked you to think?

MA: Sorry.  Well, at least it’s over.

LS: You got that right.  We can finally put the damn TWILIGHT SAGA to rest. Best grave I ever dug. I made this one extra deep.

MA: All we have to do is to review BREAKING DAWN PART 2, then it will be over for good!

LS: True enough. (He is on the verge of tears). And then we’ll finally be done with this series. I thought this day would never come.

MA: Me, neither. I thought we’d be going to see these awful movies forever.

LS: If there’s a hell, then I’m sure someone is being forced to watch a never-ending marathon of these movies.

MA: So why don’t you give us a synopsis of this last movie.

LS: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ended with the feisty, perpetually sneering heroine of the TWILIGHT series, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), finally getting what she’s been wishing for since the first movie — she finally got turned into a vampire like her beloved Edward (Robert Pattinson). We could tell because her eyes were bright red! Spooky!

As BREAKING DAWN PART 2 opens, Bella is trying to learn how to control her unquenchable thirst for blood. Edward takes his newly-vampiric bride into the deep woods so she can feast on a deer’s blood, but a mountain climber makes an unexpected appearance, and when he cuts himself, Bella goes nuts. Suddenly, that measly little deer doesn’t seem so filling.

MA: This series is so bad even “hunting” scenes like this are dull and boring, especially with Edward watching his new bride with that goofy grin on his face, as if we’re supposed to think, “Aww, isn’t she cute?  Bella’s hunting.”  Gag!

LS:  The big question was, would she be able to control herself and not bite a human, or would she just go nuts like a lot of “newbie” vampires do when they first get “turned.” Somehow, Bella is able to pass the test.

MA:  Because vampires in the TWILIGHT world would never feed on a human, or at least not vampires in the Cullen clan, the most mind-numbing vampire family you’ll ever meet.  Vampire family.  (Shaking his head)  That kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

LS: Speaking of which, Bella is then brought back to the home of the Cullens — the vampire clan that Edward belongs to, and now Bella does to — to meet her new baby, Renesmee. What kind of name is that anyway?

MA: An annoying one.

LS: Turns out everyone is afraid Bella will turn her newborn baby into dinner, since the girl is half human and has human blood running through her veins. If you remember from the previous movie, Bella got pregnant immediately after a wild bout of sex with Edward, and the baby threatened to kill her. Which is why Edward finally relented and turned her into a vampire— he pretty much killed her in order to save her life, if that makes any sense.

MA (mockingly nodding):  Of course it does.

(A couple of MOURNERS arrives, crying into their handkerchiefs)

MOURNER 1: Oh my God, it’s over! How will we ever go on with our lives?

MOURNER 2: This is just the saddest day ever. I don’t know if I want to live anymore!

MOURNER 1: I have an idea. Let’s make sure it never ends. Let’s go see BREAKING DAWN PART 2 again. And again. And then go back and read the books again and watch the DVDs again and then it will seem like the story goes on forever.

MOURNER 2: Oh my God, that sounds wonderful!

(LS suddenly raises his shovel and chops both of their heads off, with blood squirting everywhere)

LS: I’m sorry Michael, but I had to put those two poor, tortured souls out of their misery.

MA (grinning as blood spatters his suit): Totally understandable, although I was thinking more along the lines of a stern reprimand.

LS:  Anyway, in this new movie, the hateful Irina (Maggie Grace) spies Bella and her new baby and runs to tell the Voltari – those vampire overlords who act like the Vatican of bloodsuckers —because this is a big no-no in the tenants of vampire law. You see, in the past, babies and children who were turned into vampires were nothing but trouble, since they immediately stopped growing and stayed at their age (mentally and physically) forever. Suddenly, with a lust for blood and incredibly strength, they were huge threats to the human world (you don’t want to see a super-strong vampire baby have a tantrum!) and also threatened to expose the adult vampires who are always trying to stay a big secret to humankind. Thus, vampire babies are immediately destroyed. After Irana goes and finks on Bella (what a rat!), the Voltari are convinced that Renesmee is a baby turned into a vampire and the leaders of the group, especially big kahuna Aro (Michael Sheen), declare the child must be slain and those involved with her “creation” punished.

But, as we already know, they’re wrong, since Renesmee wasn’t “turned,” she was born a vampire/human hybrid because Bella was human during the child’s conception. Thus, the child is a rare creature and has started growing at an alarming rate. Like, she’s grown several years older in a matter of days!

The Voltari, however, have no interest in allowing a fair trial. If they could just talk it out, there would be no movie. Besides, Aro and his cohorts have had it in for the Cullens since the second TWILIGHT movie, NEW MOON (2009), and this is just the excuse they need to wipe out of the clan completely.

MA:  This is all so interesting.

LS:  I have to admit, it’s a little painful to remember all this stuff. I want to block it out of my mind.

The Cullens, in turn, find out about their impending doom when Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) has a vision that the Voltari are coming to get them. This puts a plan into motion where the Cullens travel the globe to gather friends and allies as “witnesses” to demand that the Voltari listen to reason. These same witnesses might also have to fight if the Voltari won’t listen to them.

Also along for the ride are Bella’s other love interest, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), and his pack of werewolves. Jacob has sworn to protect Renesmee with his life, partly because he has “imprinted” himself on the child (something that happened in PART 1). It seems that werewolves automatically “imprint” a bond with someone when they have found their true soul mate. It’s completely out of their control. And the fact that Jacob has imprinted with a baby is kind of creepy, except when you realize that Renesmee will probably be a full-grown adult in a few months, based on how fast she’s growing.

MA:  Werewolves are really nannies.  Who knew?  Why didn’t someone tell Lon Chaney Jr.?  Larry Talbot would have made the perfect baby guardian. Look, it’s Uncle Larry!  Of course, when the moon was full, he’d have eaten the kid, but he would have been good for a little while, anyway.

Werewolves protecting little kids?  And people want to know what’s wrong with this series?  Sheesh!

LS:  And don’t forget the imprint thing. Sounds like a certain shirtless werewolf might end up on a sex offenders website if he isn’t careful. He better wait until she’s at least 18….er, days…old before he consummates their passion.

So the Voltari are coming to slaughter the Cullens. The Cullens have gathered allies to speak on their behalf, or fight for them if necessary, and the werewolves have pledged to help. And that’s the story in a nutshell.

MA:  In a nutshell?  It must belong to a coconut.  That’s one detailed synopsis.  Do we really need to know that much about this movie?

LS: Are you knocking my synopsis?

MA:  No, it’s a terrific synopsis.  It’s just making me relive some things I’d rather forget— like the entire plot.

LS:  You mean you weren’t intrigued by questions like: Will the Cullens survive? Will the Voltari listen to reason? Will Jacob take off his shirt? Well, I can answer the last question: Jacob will definitely take off his shirt! And simpletons in the audience will “ooh” and “ahh” like they always do.

I thought BREAKING DAWN PART 2 was very telling. I have now sat through five TWILIGHT movies, and you would think that, after all this time, I would have grown to care about these characters, and be concerned about what happens to them. But the truth is, I hate all of these characters just as much as I did before. BREAKING DAWN PART 2 is not going to win over any new fans.

MA:  That’s a good point.  These characters have been so annoying for so long throughout this series that I can barely stand to look at them, let alone watch a movie about them.  And I didn’t find the three lead characters to be quite as an annoying in this movie, yet, it didn’t matter.  Based upon the previous movies, I just didn’t care about these folks.

That’s pretty bad.   As you said, you’d expect characters in a series to grow on you, not grate on you.

LS:  Of course, that doesn’t really matter, because the fans of the series who already exist are more than enough. I actually got my ticket online before the showing, because the past few times a TWILIGHT movie has come out, all the showings on the first day sold out immediately. But even though I bought my ticket in advance this time, I still had to stand in a long line before they let us into the theater (even with tickets!) and the place was pretty packed. So this series has just as many—if not more— hardcore fans as ever.

But in all seriousness, I thought this movie was excruciating to sit through. We’ve seen worse movies this year—the latest RESIDENT EVIL movie comes to mind—but TWILIGHT is the only series that consistently bores the hell out of me every time I sit through another chapter. I still think Bella is irritating and I have no clue what Edward or Jacob see in her. I think Edward and Jacob are morons. I think the Cullen family is a snooze. And I really hate the Voltari—who are lame-ass villains—even though their number includes Dakota Fanning as Jane and Michael Sheen as Aro, two actors I normally like.

And there’s some new stuff this time around. It turns out a lot of these vampires have super powers. As if being a super-strong, blood-drinking vampire wasn’t enough! One guy can shoot fire from his hands. Another one can shoot out tendrils of darkness that can blind or suffocate someone. Other ones can foretell the future, create electric shocks or create shields around themselves.

Who knew these sparkly vampires were really THE X-MEN!

I actually found this “look at my cool powers!” aspect to be extra annoying, since there’s no logical reason for these extra powers.

(THE SCENE suddenly SHIFTS to a field of colorful wildflowers. BELLA and EDWARD are sitting in the flowers, snuggling and giggling)

BELLA: Oh God, I love you so much.

EDWARD: And I, you.

BELLA: I love you so much it hurts. I love love love you.

EDWARD: Oh, how I love the word Love.

BELLA: It’s is a lovely word, isn’t it? And it’s so wonderful to be this much in love.

(SHOT moves to JACOB and RENESMEE, sitting in a different part of the garden)

JACOB: And I love you, too, little Renesmee. You’re just a toddler now, but soon we’ll be lovers and I’ll sweep you up in my arms and we can have long-winded conversations about love, like Edward and Bella.

RENESSEE: Uncle Jacob, you’re really starting to creep me out, man. Besides, I hate the name Renesmee. It sounds stupid. I much prefer to be called HONEY BOO BOO.

JACOB: Anything you wish, oh love of my life. Oh joy of my jowls. Oops, I spilled some Kool-ade on my shirt. Would you mind if I take it off? This stain offends me so.

RENESMEE A BOO BOO: Oh boy. Do what you gotta do, buster.

(THE SCENE returns to the graveyard. LS is off to one side, vomiting)

MA: Ahem, the camera is back on us again.

LS: Oh, sorry (wipes his mouth)

I’m also sick of the exaggerated emotions and affectations of the main characters here. Everyone is in love in big CAPITAL LETTERS. The characters are pretentious, sappy, and stupid. At least Bella and Edward get to have some sex in the BREAKING DAWN movies. After three movies before that where the two of them were forever locked in torturous abstinence, it’s nice to at least see them go at it, even if it’s all very sanitized and romanticized. What a tasteful nibble of a neck. What a very safe interlocking of naked limbs with not a glimpse of any naughty bits…

The audience I saw it with was so emotionally invested in these dumb characters that it was embarrassing. They had reactions that were as exaggerated as the characters on the screen. And they laughed at everything – even things that weren’t funny. Like everything out of Bella (and Edward and Jacob)’s mouth was the most clever, witty dialogue ever written. Let me tell you a secret – it wasn’t. The only scene that struck me as even mildly amusing was one where Jacob takes  his clothes off in front of Bella’s father, Charlie (Billy Burke) to show him how he turns into a big CGI wolf, and Charlie looks very uncomfortable, wondering if he just stepped into a scene from MAGIC MIKE. But otherwise, it wasn’t as clever or as emotionally charged as the audience pretended it was.

MA:  Yes, that was a funny scene.  Hey, after five movies, they got a scene right!

LS:  I really, truly hate this series. And seeing the saga finally come to an end filled me with joy. I give this movie one knife for the fact that the story is finally over alone! Otherwise, there’s nothing here I can recommend. It’s complete crap.

What did you think, Michael?

MA:  Well, the best thing I can say for this movie is that it’s the first TWILIGHT movie that didn’t bore me to tears, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.  It means that for once, things actually happened in this movie.  They may have been stupid things — like lame vampire superheroes— but they were things.  See, usually, these movies are so dull I start chomping on my fingernails once the popcorn is gone.  My fingernails survived this installment.

Another positive is BREAKING DAWN PART 2 gets all of its whining out of the way early.  Bella whines at Jacob because he imprinted on her baby daughter.  Now, in past movies, we’d have to suffer through multiple scenes of Bella’s angst.  She’d talk about it with Edward.  She talk about it with Jacob.  She’d go back and talk to Edward some more.  Edward and Jacob would talk.  Blah, blah, blah.  But here in BREAKING DAWN PART 2, it’s one and done.  That’s a good thing.

They also got the boring “Bella talks to her dad” scenes out of the way early as well.

That’s because in this movie, there’s actually a plot and things actually happen.  There’s a build-up to a big battle showdown.  Did I enjoy this build up?  Not really. But somehow this one just wasn’t as painful.  And of course there’s a big bloodbath at the end— not really.  It’s a pretty lame battle.  You’ll find more intense stuff in a Disney movie.

The acting is what you’d expect, although I have to admit the three leads didn’t annoy me as much this time around.  I think it’s because they spoke less in this movie.  The closest thing I came to enjoying a performance was watching Michael Sheen ham it up as Aro.  His over-the-top performance is one of the movies few highlights.

LS: He actually has a couple of funny scenes this time. I can’t blame the guy for wanting a decent paycheck.

MA: Director Bill Condon could have easily filmed BREAKING DAWN as one movie as opposed to dragging it out into two parts.  PART 1, basically a wedding, could have been condensed in about 15 minutes of screen time.  PART 2 is definitely better, but again, this isn’t saying much.

Melissa Rosenberg wrote the screenplay, and she wrote the screenplays for the entire series.  Not something I’d want on my resume.

LS: But I’m sure she’s happy it’s on hers. These movies made a shitload of money!

MA: It’s funny, here we have this paranormal romance, this love story, this love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob, but what is the series finale about?  Vampires with superpowers and the meddling Voltari.  The love triangle was resolved movies ago.

LS: And it was never much of a triangle. We always knew Bella had the hots for Edward. Her relationship with Jacob was always just an intense friendship. She never returned Jacob’s feelings like he wanted her to. So the triangle angle was almost kind of forced, don’t you think.

MA: Yep. To me, this just shows that this love story wasn’t much to begin with.  You’d think this series would be driven by a tale of unbelievable love, but it’s not, which just reinforces the ridiculousness of building a “saga” around these characters.

But, hey, at the end of the day, the TWILIGHT series will long be remembered for featuring the cutest werewolves ever!  One day, when Disney buys the franchise, we’ll see little Jacob-werewolf-nannies on the shelf next to Winnie the Pooh.

It goes without saying, but I am overjoyed that this series is finally over.  That being said, this last installment, TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2, didn’t torture me with mind-numbing boredom, and as you said at the outset, we’ve seen worse movies this year.

I give it two knives.

LS: Fair enough. You’re much more generous than me this time around. Maybe you’re just relieved it’s finally over…

Or maybe your heart has finally let the love in…

MA:  I don’t think so.

LS:  Of course, the way it ends, the storyline could always be continued. And there could be spin-offs…and you know the studios will seriously consider it…but for now, this moment in time, let’s pretend like TWILIGHT is really over. That we never have to see another TWILIGHT movie again. And, for the moment, let’s sparkle with happiness.

MA: Now let’s go somewhere and celebrate!

LS:  Sounds good.  (Looks at TWILIGHT tombstone.)  It’s hard to believe.  We’ve buried the TWILIGHT movies forever.

MA:  It’s about time.

LS:  That celebration is long overdue.  Let’s get out of here.

(MA & LS exit.  From behind a gravestone appear a young man and his hunchbacked assistant. The young man carries a shovel, the hunchback a camera. They dig up the grave.  The young man holds a TWILIGHT DVD in his hand.)

YOUNG MAN:  It’s just resting.  Waiting for a new life to come!

HUNCHBACK:  Yes, master.

YOUNG MAN:  We shall give it life again.  We shall re-make them!

(Loud groans and wails are heard off-camera):  Nooooooooooooooooo!!

—END—

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 ~ two knives!

LL Soares gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 ~one knife!

2 Comments »

Me and Lil’ Stevie Make the Rounds with a SILVER BULLET (1985)

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2012, Based on Comic Book, Me and Lil' Stevie, Peter Dudar Reviews, Stephen King Movies, Werewolves with tags , , , , , on September 5, 2012 by knifefighter

ME AND LIL’ STEVIE
Make the Rounds With A
SILVER BULLET (1985)

(Exterior, Night…Establishing shot of an old wooden bridge under the light of the full moon.  Camera slowly approaches the bridge, and as we round the corner, we see a figure on the bridge.   The figure is a hunched-over silhouette in the moon’s light.  Camera moves closer still, and we begin to hear the grunting, panting, and snarling of some kind of beast.  The silhouette rises and turns to face the camera, and suddenly the night air is filled with the howl of a werewolf.  The figure begins moving toward us, and we see that it is a man holding a ventriloquist dummy in the form of Master of Horror, Stephen King.)

Lil’ Stevie:  Better hurry up…Sounds like L.L. Soares is pissed at you again.

Peter:  That wasn’t L.L., that was a WEREWOLF.  Not to worry, though.  We’ll be safe on this side of the bridge.  I purposely rigged the bridge to collapse if anybody tries to cross it.

Lil’ Stevie:  That’s brilliant.  What if the werewolf is on THIS side of the bridge, and we need to escape.  Hmm, genius?

Peter:  I could always leave you on the bridge and use you as bait…

Lil’ Stevie:  (grumbles a moment).  Good evening, Constant Viewer, and welcome to our little column.  Today we’ll be taking a look back at the 1985 Danial Attias film SILVER BULLET, based on my comic book-style novelette, CYCLE OF THE WEREWOLF, which was released in 1983 and illustrated by legendary artist Bernie Wrightson.  Now, my book started out as a neat little calendar project, which…

Peter:  Which has little to do with the movie we’re here to critique.  It does bear mentioning, though, that the REAL Stephen King wrote the screenplay (and noticeably made changes to a LOT of his original source material), and that PHANTASM (1979) director Don Coscarelli was originally tapped to direct, but disputes between him and King (and special effects artist Carlo Rambaldi) led him to pass the job on to then-newcomer Attias.

Lil’ Stevie:  Well, my novelette takes place over the course of an entire year, so I had to alter the time frame for the sake of continuity.

Peter:  Yeah, so why’d you change character names?  The narrator of the movie is the protagonist’s sister Jane, but in your book it was Kate…

Lil’ Stevie:  Um…I…

Peter:  I thought so.  Let’s get started, shall we?  The story centers around young paraplegic Marty Coslaw (the late Corey Haim, THE LOST BOYS, 1987), and his sister Jane (Megan Follows, ANNE OF GREEN GABLES, 1985), who live in the sleepy little fictional town of Tarker’s Mills, Maine (which King fans know has appeared in other works, most recently UNDER THE DOME, 2009).  In the summer of 1976, this town fell hostage to what at first was believed to be a psycho killer, but is soon discovered by Marty to be a werewolf.

Lil’ Stevie:  And that’s the key to this movie…being held hostage.  The town is held hostage to a murderous beast, the same way that young Marty is a hostage to his handicap and Jane is a hostage in reluctantly having to care for her “booger” of a brother.

Peter:  That’s an interesting point.  The film begins with Jane’s narration of the town’s plight, setting the stage with the death of the first victim, Arnie Westrum (James Gammon, the gravel-voiced coach from MAJOR LEAGUE, 1989).  Arnie’s death is quickly written off as an accident, that he’d fallen asleep on the railroad tracks and got hit by a train.  Life in Tarker’s Mills goes on, and as Lil’ Stevie pointed out already, because of maintaining continuity, although this death happens in January in the book, in the movie it occurs at the beginning of summer.

Lil’ Stevie:  Can you imagine how long this movie would be if it had to cover the whole year?

Peter:  Yeah, it’d be about as long as it took me to read your last novel.

(In the background we hear a long, howl, as if some wild beast was laughing in approval).

Lil’ Stevie:  Grrrr.

Peter:  The Coslaw siblings are introduced properly, and we see the plight they are both in, in terms of Marty’s disability.  The name Silver Bullet has two meanings here:  Foremost is the natural defense against werewolves, and the second is the given name to Marty’s motorized wheelchair.  Marty is constantly portrayed as the “helpless victim” by his parents, and Jane is constantly burdened with having to watch out for him, and that her own feelings and desires are secondary to his needs.  We feel badly for her immediately, particularly in the opening of the film where Marty and his pal Brady play a very mean trick on her, that causes her to fall down in a mud puddle and ruin the outfit she wore to the summer festival.

Lil’ Stevie:  They scared her with a garden snake!  Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

(Peter turns to Lil’ Stevie, pulls a mouse out of his pocket and drops it on Lil’ Stevie’s lap).

Lil’ Stevie:  (Screaming) Gak!  Get it off me…get it off me!

Peter:  OMG, you’re a sissy.

(Werewolf howls in laughter in the background.)

Lil’ Steve:  Keep it up, buddy…Your time is coming.

Peter:  After running away from her little incident, Jane happens to eavesdrop on another Tarker’s Mills resident having an argument with the presumed father of her “bun in the oven”.  The dude leaves her, sending her into hysterics, and we see the set-up for the second victim.  Only, this time, it’s not going to look like an accident.  With her death comes the dark days of the town, where people begin to not trust each other.  Kids playing in the front yard are whisked inside their homes.  Streets normally filled with people and cars become vacant avenues after dark.  And, most noticeable, is the dissent among some of the residents, who are frustrated that Sheriff Haller (Terry O’Quinn, THE STEPFATHER, 1987) has been unsuccessful at finding any leads.

Lil’ Stevie:  Things come to a head at the local watering hole when gun-store owner Andy Fairton (Bill Smitrovich, IRON MAN, 2008) tries to stir up group-justice mentality by ridiculing one of Haller’s deputies, which is quickly quelled by bar owner Owen (Lawrence Tierney, RESERVOIR DOGS, 1992) and his baseball bat, aptly named “The Peace Maker.” I named Owen after my son, by the way…

Peter:  How generous of you.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah…so the pregnant girl, who is in the process of committing suicide by overdose, (“Suicides go straight to hell, and I don’t even care,” she announces to nobody in particular), is torn to pieces in her own bedroom by the werewolf, thus opening a whole religious can of worms that actually adds some weight to the storyline.

Lil’ Stevie:  I’m glad you picked up on that.  I did that on purpose.  The whole plight of Larry Talbot in THE WOLF-MAN always struck a chord with me.  The duality of the werewolf is very much akin to the Jekyll and Hyde story.  If you hate what you’ve become, then the only real option is to end it by taking your own life.  But if your beliefs tell you that that road will send you straight to hell, you’re stuck with what you are.  It’s kind of like…being held hostage.

Peter:  Wow, that’s really deep.

Lil’ Stevie:  You think so?

Peter:  Not really.  Teaspoons are deeper than you.

(The werewolf once again howls out in laughter).

Peter:  Thank you, thank you…I’m here all week.  Two shows nightly at the Tarker’s Mills Hotel.  Anyway, by this point of the movie, Marty is hip to the fact that the killer is a werewolf, and has begun trying to convince his Uncle Red…

Lil’ Stevie:  In CYCLE OF THE WEREWOLF, his name is Uncle Al!

Peter:  …convince his Uncle Red (America’s Favorite Train-Wreck, Gary Busey, LETHAL WEAPON, 1987) that the murders going on in Tarker’s Mills are at the paws of a mythological beast.  Busey’s performance in this movie is, to me, what makes this film worth watching.  He plays a “Druncle” (props to J. Bove for coining the term).  A “Druncle” is the alcoholic uncle that shows up for family events and has a little too much fun.  He’s basically someone that has given up on life, and thinks that staying high is about the best chance for happiness that you’re going to find.  Uncle Red is in the process of divorcing his third wife and hits the sauce pretty hard during the first night of his stay at his sister’s house (Marty and Jane’s mom).  We’re led to believe that the relationship that Marty and Uncle Red share is pretty special, that he loves the boy as if he was his own son.  And as the werewolf claims more victims (particularly Marty’s pal Brady), Uncle Red seems to be the only grown-up Marty can possibly trust to tell about the wolf.

Lil’ Stevie:  Brady’s death is the final straw for the town’s sanity.  Andy finally rallies the town’s citizens into going out and hunting down the beast, and the murders increase exponentially over the course of one bad night.  Including Owen, the bar-keep, who had taken “The Peace Maker” out with him, and was ironically clubbed to death with it.

Peter:  We’re also introduced to the character of Reverend Lester Lowe (Everett McGill, THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS, 1991).  Lowe tries to talk the townspeople out of forming a lynch mob, and yet they go out looking for the beast anyway.

Lil’ Stevie:  I wonder why he would do THAT…

Peter:  After the lynch mob falls to the claws of the beast, the town cancels the summer fair and fireworks show.  Marty continues to pester Uncle Red into believing him about the werewolf.  Uncle Red, however, is busy with building a newer, faster Silver Bullet.  And again, we’re treated to some really great characterization.  Uncle Red is, after all, a hostage to himself and has already given up.  But he doesn’t want that for his favorite nephew.  He builds Marty this super-fast wheelchair so that Marty can find some freedom.  “Do you have a pilot’s license?  You’re gonna need one cuz this thing can fly!”  This scene really is a beautiful moment, as Marty goes flying down the highway, feeling the elation one can only feel when truly free.  When he returns, Uncle Red tells him, “I built this for you because I love you.  But be careful on it.  If you got hurt it would kill ME!”

Lil’ Stevie:  That’s some brilliant writing, isn’t it?  I do amaze myself sometimes.

Peter:  Uncle Red also gives Marty a bag of fireworks to make up for the town cancelling that night’s display.  Marty sneaks out late at night and zips off in the Silver Bullet.  He comes here, to this very bridge to light them off, and behold, he comes face to face with the werewolf.

Lil’ Stevie:  Marty takes the rocket, lights it, and shoots the beast right in the eye!

Peter:  The rocket doesn’t kill the beast…but it does forever mark the human that has been murdering the town’s residents.  And with Jane’s help, the two are able to uncover the identity of the beast.  The werewolf is actually…

Lil’ Stevie:  DON’T TELL THEM.  You’ll spoil everything.

Peter:  It’s not like they’re idiots that can’t figure it out.  We’ve already discussed the deep religious implications of the story, and how the wolf-man can’t kill himself.  It’s pretty obvious.  But if you insist…

Lil’ Stevie:  They’ll thank us for not ruining it.

Peter:  The werewolf is REVEREND LOWE!

Lil’ Stevie:  You really stink.  You know that?

Peter:  Here’s the whole enchilada of this movie:  It’s a far cry from being a bad movie, but it really offers nothing new to the legacy of the werewolf.  Everything we see here we’ve seen before.  Rambaldi’s special effects are okay at best but never capture the sheer impressiveness of Rick Baker’s work on AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981).  And, except for Busey, none of the actors here are very well known.  Even Attias will have his career relegated to television programs and made-for-TV movies after this release.  SILVER BULLET is geared toward a target audience of teenagers.  It’s King’s “Werewolf Movie”.  This movie has some merit in being a cult 80s flick…particularly one starring Tiger Beat heartthrob Corey Haim.  And, to be honest, I can’t even sell his performance short.  Haim is actually one of the best actors in this movie.  He portrays a disabled person extremely well, and he does capture an honest, believable American teen.  Like I said earlier, what makes this film worth examining is the relationship between him and Busey.  It made me nostalgic for my own youth and some of the grown-ups that were important to me in my own life.

(The Werewolf howls out loud, and we see that he’s beginning to make his way across the bridge).

Werewolf:  Pete!  Pete!  Wolf…wolf…Right here and now!  Wait for me!  Peter, I am YOUR DRUNCLE!  (Crosses bridge, holding out a bottle of Patron).

Peter:  L.L.?  Is that you?

(The wolf makes it to the middle of the bridge when their trap kicks in and the wooden planks quickly give way.  The werewolf plunges out of sight and into the river below).

Lil’ Stevie:  Holy crap!   I think we just killed the boss.

Peter:  Ooops.  Thank you for joining us.  We’ll see you next time.

(Camera fades out as Peter and Lil’ Stevie rush down to the riverbank)

The End

© Copyright 2012 by Peter N. Dudar

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UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING

Posted in 2012, 3-D, Cinema Knife Fights, Hot Chick Movies, Just Plain Bad, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , on January 23, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: An Expo inside a huge conference building, demonstrating the latest in 3D technology. The room is full to capacity.)

LEAD ENGINEER: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself to be wowed. This is truly a historic day. I present to you the newest phase in 3D entertainment. Watch. (Points towards movie screen behind him. Aims remote control device at his laptop.)

(Voice from behind the screen—a man crying out— “Get away from there! What are you doing? Wait— no. No! NO!!!)

(A screaming man bursts through the screen, obviously having been thrown against his will. The audience gasps, and the man lands in the lap of a beautiful woman in the first row. The man quickly stops screaming.)

(L.L. SOARES and MICHAEL ARRUDA step through the huge rip in the screen, dragging a wheeled cart full of cream pies, which they promptly throw at the LEAD ENGINEER and his associates.)

L.L. SOARES (to audience): Yep, folks, the latest in 3D technology! So life-like you’ll swear it’s real! Impressive, ain’t it?

MICHAEL ARRUDA (to audience): Aren’t you glad you’re finding this out now, before you have to shell out the big bucks at the movies?

LEAD ENGINEER (wiping cream pie from his face): Not funny!

MA: Neither is paying extra for 3D.

LS: Stop ripping us off!

(Audience applauds)

MA: Nicely said. Let’s go review our movie. (They leave Expo and head out onto the street.)

LS: I’m surprised you didn’t pick some futuristic setting of our review of today’s movie, UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING (2012).

MA: That was one of the problems I had with the movie. The setting wasn’t all that vivid. In fact, I hardly remember it. These city streets will suit us just fine.

So, today we’re reviewing UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING, the fourth movie in the UNDERWORLD sa—series, (Yikes, I almost said “saga.”) chronicling the latest adventures of the vampire warrior Selene (Kate Beckinsale), as she continues her fight against both werewolves and humans.

When this one begins, Selene has been frozen inside a huge laboratory in a state of suspended animation for the past twelve years. She’s being studied by a group of scientists led by Dr. Jacob Lane (Stephen Rea). Of course, if she were to remain in a frozen state, we wouldn’t have a movie, and so she awakens, kills a bunch of humans, and promptly escapes.

LS: Actually, this one begins with a future where humans have finally discovered that werewolves and vampires exist after the first three movies, and have been steadily exterminating them. So the vampires fight the werewolves, and both of them fight the humans armed with “ultra-violet and silver” weapons. Then it goes into the whole “suspended animation” storyline.

MA: So, yes, even after 12 years of suspended animation, Selene wakes up to find that the secret battle between vampires and werewolves is still going on, even though the humans deny they still exist. Secret battle? These creatures have been battling for centuries and humans have never seen them until now? That’s because, in this series, humans must be blind. Carnage is everywhere, but no one notices anything.

(In an alley behind them, a werewolf mauls a screaming man, unnoticed by MA & LS.)

Anyway, the plot point in this movie is Selene discovers she has a daughter, Eve (India Eisley), a vampire/werewolf hybrid, who also escaped from Dr. Lane’s lab. In fact, it was Eve who awakened Selene from her frozen beauty sleep. Selene must protect her hybrid daughter from werewolves who want to kill her, humans who want to study her, and other vampires who want to give her up to get the werewolves and humans off their backs. What’s a vampire mom to do? Well, this vampire mom’s answer to everything is to shoot everybody in her way, which is entertaining for about one or two action scenes, but for an entire movie? I don’t think so.

I didn’t like UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING at all. To be honest, I’m amazed that an action movie can be this boring. I mean, we’re rivaling TWILIGHT boredom here. I know why that series is boring. Nothing happens in it. But here, we have a lot of action scenes, so how can that be dull?

LS: I was wondering that myself. This movie is about 90% action, and yet I still had to pinch myself a few times to stay awake. What is your theory, oh Jedi?

MA: I think it’s because the actions scenes aren’t imaginative. There’s nothing cinematic about them. As I watch Selene battle werewolves and men in body armor, I feel as if I’m watching a video game. That gets old real fast.

LS: I don’t know what it is. I normally love vampires and werewolves. But in these movies, I just couldn’t care less. Here are a few signs I noticed about when a movie with vampires and werewolves suck:

1)      When the vampires and werewolves are rival gangs always fighting each other. Whenever you see this in a movie, run. It means there’s no horror aspect involved and what you’re watching is just a glorified gang movie, and not necessarily a good one. (And just guess who the “Bloods “are in this gang war?)

MA: I agree. I’ve yet to see a vampire gang vs. werewolf gang storyline I haven’t hated.

LS: 2) Whenever you see a movie where werewolves are referred to as “Lycans,” run the other way. They do this in the TWILIGHT SAGA too. It’s become a trendy nickname for werewolves in all of the worst movies. Obviously short for lycanthropes, the first time I remember hearing it was back when role-playing games were all the rage. And that’s part of the problem. As you noted, these kinds of movies seem more like video games than movies. Screw lame-ass Lycans – I want my werewolves back!

MA: The movie also tells a boring story. The whole rival gang thing again. Vampires vs. werewolves vs. humans. Who cares!

(A vampire and a werewolf step out in front of MA & LS.)

VAMPIRE: We care!

WEREWOLF: Why don’t you care? Audiences love vampires and werewolves! What the hell is wrong with you guys?

MA: That’s a big part of the problem. Vampires and werewolves make up so much of movie history. You guys have a lot to live up to, and you’re just not doing it.

WEREWOLF: Why not?

LS (to WEREWOLF): Part of the problem is you look like a 3D Scooby Doo, you goober!

WEREWOLF: Hey! I thought we looked scary in this movie.

LS: Well, at least you’re not just oversized animated wolves like in the TWILIGHT movies. At least you look like a cross between wolf and human – the way friggin werewolves SHOULD look. But you’re still pretty hokey and not very scary-looking. Let’s face it, in the UNDERWORLD movies, the werewolves still look incredibly fake.

MA: A bigger part is your writers aren’t giving you anything memorable to do, other than fight, fight, and fight. Yawn!

VAMPIRE: How sad.

LS: Now get out of our way. We have a movie to review. (Vampire and werewolf sadly walk away, hanging their heads in shame.)

MA: As I was saying, it’s a boring story. If you’re going to tell a story about these creatures, can you at least make it interesting? Give us some memorable characters, some decent motivations, something that will enable the movie to make an impression.

LS: Which brings to mind the HBO series TRUE BLOOD. This show is also about vampires and werewolves (and lots of other supernatural creatures), and yet it doesn’t suck. Why? Well, a big part of it is that we have memorable characters. We have believable motivations. We have three-dimensional people here, who we care about. TRUE BLOOD is the exact opposite of crap like TWILIGHT and the UNDERWORLD movies.

MA: What do we know about Selene? She likes to kill. She was in love with a werewolf hybrid. She has a daughter who she fights to protect. Okay, this isn’t bad. We know a little bit about her, but it’s not enough to make her interesting. Why does she like to kill? Is she sadistic? Wronged? She’s fighting to protect her daughter. Why? Because that’s what all mothers do? She seems pretty happy running around blowing away werewolves and humans with guns. Why would she want a teenage girl following her around?

LS: Her motivations are clearer if you’ve seen the other movies, but not by much. For me, the worst aspect of the UNDERWORLD films is that I like Kate Beckinsdale a lot. She first caught my eye back in 1998 in Whit Stillman’s indie drama, THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO. I think she’s hot as hell. I think she’s a good actress. The idea of her being the star of a horror movie should fill me with joy. But it doesn’t. Because these movies are so damn AWFUL. There’s just something about poor Kate that doesn’t work in horror movies. Remember, she was also in the 2004 special effects crapfest, VAN HELSING (which you just know would have been a 3D crapfest if it came out today). Wait, let me rephrase that. For some reason, there’s something about Kate that doesn’t work in BAD horror movies, and unfortunately that’s the only kind she gets to star in. And as long as the UNDERWORLD movies continue to rake in the dough, that’s not going to change anytime soon.

Kate Beckinsdale could easily have been one of my favorite actresses. She’s the complete package. But her movie choices have been abysmal. And every time I see an UNDERWORLD movie, I curse the direction her career has gone in.

MA: Wow, you must really like her.

LS (wipes a tear from his eye): It’s a sad business, I tell you.

MA: And why does Dr. Jacob Lane keep Selene and other vampires frozen for more than a decade? Why is he studying them? He’s looking for a cure? For what? Shouldn’t he be in DAYBREAKERS (2009) then? Why not just kill the vampires? Why not go into private practice?

LS: Because Dr. Lane has a secret. And it’s such a pulse-pounding, shocking secret that it has us on the edges of our seats……NOT. I won’t reveal the secret here, but most viewers will see it coming a mile away, and it sucks. Stephen Rea was another actor with a brilliant future ahead of him. This is the same guy who starred in indie classics like THE CRYING GAME (1992) and the underrated THE BUTCHER BOY (1997). A real actor’s actor. And now he’s in dreck like this. Hell, he was even in a very good werewolf movie once – Neil Jordan’s 1984 flick, THE COMPANY OF WOLVES. It’s just too sad to see such talented people reduced to such garbage!

MA: The other characters, including young Eve, Selena’s daughter, I just didn’t care about. And the werewolves and vampires, they’re like the Storm troopers in the STAR WARS movies. They’re there just to be killed.

LS: I actually liked Eve. She’s not very well-developed as a character, either, but when she gets mad she turns into something that looks an awful lot like “Demon Bobby” from the 1977 TV-movie, DEAD OF NIGHT (Mark Onspaugh reviewed that one last August). I thought it was kind of cool she didn’t become just another CGI werewolf.

India Eisley as Eve in UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING

"Demon" Bobby from the 1977 TV-movie DEAD OF NIGHT!

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

MA: As you would expect, the 3D effects add nothing to this one other than a few extra dollars to the admission price. Sure, the movie looks good in 3D, but you know what? It would have looked just as nice in 2D.

LS: Dude, you saw it in just 3D? Lucky you. The best showing time-wise for me was an IMAX 3D version. Cost me $18!!

MA: Wow. I thought I had it bad!

LS: Did it look good? Yeah, sometimes. The 3D effects weren’t always evident – let’s face it, the 3D in this movie sucks – but it was on a nice big screen with Dolby sound. I’m sure that made me hate it a little bit less – but it wasn’t worth the outrageous effin’ price. Because a turd covered with bright lights and whistles is still, unfortunately…..a turd.

MA: I also wasn’t impressed by the special effects. The werewolves are nothing to write home about. Yes, I agree that they are better than what we’ve been seeing in TWILIGHT, but that’s not saying much. CGI werewolves look like cartoons.

LS: Yep. Although I have to say one thing here. There is a scene toward the end where Selene is up against a gigantic werewolf, and even though the monster looks fake as hell, I kind of enjoyed that battle. Maybe it’s the IMAX talking, but that scene rose above the rest for me.

MA: Yeah, that was a decent battle, but by that point in the movie I was scraping the bottom of my popcorn bag in search of un-popped kernels.

LS: And at the same time as that fight, the cool-looking “Monster Eve” gets to fight with Rea’s character (who has since revealed his shocking secret). I dunno, that whole sequence was the only time in the movie when I felt I was even close to enjoying myself.

(A GROUP OF TOURISTS approach MA and LS, taking pictures. One of them steps up close to them)

TOURIST 1: Yes, these are the two guys who jumped out of that 3D movie back at the Expo! They still look so life-like. I feel like I could reach out and touch them!

LS (slaps her hand away): Keep your paws off us, you damn dirty ape!

TOURIST 1: I’m not an ape! What is he talking about?

TOURIST 2: Bad acting, that’s what I say.

(LS and MA start throwing pies at them again, and they run away)

MA: UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING was directed by Mans Marlind and Bjorn Stein. It took two people to direct this movie?? Are you kidding me? Even better, it took four people to write it. The screenplay was written by Len Wiseman, John Hlavin, J. Michael Straczynski, and Allison Burnett. Wiseman has lots of experience on this entire series, because he directed the first two movies in this series and received story credit for all four of them. That’s nothing to be proud of, let me tell you!

LS: Oh my God. J. Michael Straczynski helped write this? He actually has some talent. How the hell did he get suckered into this thing?

MA: I hadn’t seen any of the movies in this series until last week, when I rented the first UNDERWORLD (2003) to try to get a flavor for the series. That flavor was boredom. The first movie was also an uncreative snooze-fest. I’m almost insulted by the lack of imagination that goes into these movies.

LS: Lucky you. You only watched one other movie. I’ve seen all of the movies in this series. I guess I just always end up having to review them for some reason. And they all suck. They’re all boring. They all blur together and congeal like a giant blob of boring mucus. And I keep tricking myself when a new one comes out. I tell myself – hey, Kate Beckinsdale is in it. She gets to wear a form-hugging latex bodysuit. She’s one of the most beautiful actresses out there. How bad can the movie be? I always forget how bad the previous ones were and go anyway, and I am always disappointed. It’s just a revolving door of shame.

MA: Yep, the only redeeming value to UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING is that Kate Beckinsale is hot in her shiny costume. She’s got that Emma Peel thing from the THE AVENGERS – 1960s British TV-show going for her. She’s VERY easy on the eyes. Of course, everything in this movie is CGI created, so who’s to say we’re even looking at her real body? They just could have tacked her head onto an animated one. The things you think about when you’re bored in the movie theater!

LS: And, let me make another comment here. There is a scene where Kate escapes from a chamber where she’s been frozen for 12 years. She’s naked. She slithers out from a frosted up glass tube (frosted, so we can’t see anything worthwhile) to fall onto a floor covered in icy mist. In other words, she’s nude, but we don’t get to see anything! I’m not saying she has to show us the goods. But these movies are so friggin bad, it would have at least been a nice treat to see something that would have redeemed the ticket price! Throw us a friggin bone at least for sitting through this crap!

MA: So, yeah, Beckinsale is hot in this one, but she was actually so much better in CONTRABAND (2012) which I saw last week. That was a movie where she was actually allowed to act. Here, she just looks good and struts around shooting werewolves. But even her hot gun-carrying strut grows annoying after a while.

And I agree with you that Stephen Rea, an excellent actor, is completely wasted here as Dr. Jacob Lane, as well. It’s a dull role, and even someone with the talents of Rea can’t do anything with it. Nobody else in the cast did anything for me, as they all played like cardboard video game characters.

UNDERWOLD: AWAKENING is mind-numbing. I give it one knife, and it gets one knife as opposed to 0 knives because Beckinsale looks so good, and I don’t mean that to be a sexist comment. Her Selene is attractive and for a short while she’s fun to watch, but not for an entire movie with nothing else to offer. As both an action movie and a horror movie, UNDERWOLD: AWAKENING is an epic fail.

LS (imitating MA’s voice): “Beckinsdale looks so good, and I don’t mean that to be a sexist comment.” Look at you—Mr. Politically Correct. I’m not ashamed to say it’s not a sexist comment—it’s a friggin true comment.

MA: I agree it’s a true comment. I just don’t want to sound like I’m saying Beckinsale is only good because she’s hot. Although it doesn’t hurt that she is! (laughs).

LS: And—surprise! —I gave it the same rating. For the exact same reason. Kate is the only thing to recommend about this movie, and even that is self-defeating – because if people go see this movie for Kate, it will make money, and she will be condemned to make more bad movies that are beneath her considerable talents!

I also give it, one solitary knife.

One more thing. Sitting in the theater, watching this one in 3D and IMAX, it reminded me of the last time I’d seen an IMAX/3D flick, the last RESIDENT EVIL movie, RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE (2010). And it amazes me that the more I think about it, the more it seems like it’s the same exact series. They both feature hot chicks shooting guns (in Jovovich’s case, it’s her indestructible character, Alice). They both have awful scripts and seem more like video games than movies. And both that last RESIDENT EVIL movie and this new UNDERWORLD movie end at a point where we are forced to endure the damned TO BE CONTINUED moment, where it’s clear the whole movie has just been setting us up for the next sequel. We’re like a room full of suckers playing the “find the ball under the cup” shell game, and wondering why we keep losing.

The only difference is, the RESIDENT EVIL movies are actually a tiny bit more fun, and I don’t hate them as much. But really, these are the same exact thing, except in UNDERWORLD it’s vampires and werewolves and in RESIDENT EVIL it’s zombies and the mysterious Umbrella Corp.

Which leads into the revelation that the next RESIDENT EVIL movie will be coming out this year as well. It’s just déjà vu all over again.

MA: Yeah, and as if to rub it in, the theater played the trailer for the next RESIDENT EVIL movie before the new UNDERWORLD movie started. Lardy-flippin-dah! Though I agree with you that the last RESIDENT EVIL movie was better than this movie.

Well, that’s it for now. See you next time here at Cinema Knife Fight!

LS: And remember, an inflated ticket price is a terrible thing to waste.

-END-

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING ~ 1 knife!

LL Soares also gives UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING ~ 1 knife!

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Friday Night Knife Fights – THE HOWLING VS. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON – Part 2

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2012, Animals Attack, Classic Films, Friday Night Knife Fights, Horror, Werewolves with tags , , , , , on January 20, 2012 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:  THE HOWLING (1981) vs. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)
PART 2 (of 3)
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Mark Onspaugh, and Nick Cato

From THE HOWLING

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome back, everyone.

Tonight it’s PART 2 of FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:  THE HOWLING (1981) vs. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981), where our panel of CINEMA KNIFE FIGHTERS attempt to decide which of these two werewolf classics is the better movie.

Once again, L.L. Soares and I are joined by Nick Cato and Mark Onspaugh. Thanks again, guys, for being here.

MARK ONSPAUGH:  No problem.

NICK CATO:  As long as I don’t have to howl at the moon anymore.

MO:  Not into howling at the moon?

NC:  No.

L.L. SOARES:  What’s the matter with you, Nick?  Not into howling at the moon?  What kind of a werewolf fan are you?

NC:  Sane.

MA: Okay, after two rounds in PART 1, both these films were tied one round apiece. Ready, guys?  It’s time for Round 3.

Which film has the better cast of characters?

LS:  I think Dee Wallace is pretty good in THE HOWLING, and she has some interesting supporting actors like Patrick Macnee (Steed from the classic AVENGERS TV show from 1961 – 1969), character actor Slim Pickens as the sheriff, and even old-time horror icon John Carradine as a strange old man. The rest of the supporting cast is pretty good, too.

I also like that there are a lot of fun cameos in the film, including director Roger Corman as a man waiting to use a telephone booth, Corman regular Dick Miller as a bookstore owner, Forrest J. Ackerman as a bookstore customer, and even screenwriter John Sayles as a coroner.

But there are some weaker characters, too. Don McLeod as T.C. is just such a stereotypical creepy character that he doesn’t seem believable at all. And Elizabeth Brooks, as the seductive Marsha Quist, certainly looks the part, but isn’t a very good actress in this movie (it is her film debut, however, to be fair).

Don McLeod as T.C. Quisp in THE HOWLING.

That said, the acting in AMERICAN WEREWOLF is just that much better. David Naughton is terrific as the lead, David Kessler. Griffin Dunne steals every scene he’s in as David’s buddy Jack Goodman (even after he’s dead) and provides a lot of humor in the story, and I have to admit to having a crush on Jenny Agutter as Nurse Alex Price back when I saw this in the movie theater as a kid.

MA:  Me, too. And I relived that crush all over again when I rewatched this one.

MO (howls):  Aaaawwoooo!!!

LS:  The acting chops are just a different level in this movie, while THE HOWLING seems more like a B-movie you’d see at the drive-in (although better than average for those kinds of flicks).

It’s also funny to note that there’s a scene in THE HOWLING where Dee Wallace’s character is trapped in a car while werewolves slam into the doors and try to get in. This mirrors another movie she would star in two years later, CUJO (1983), where her character was in much the same situation.

MA:  So, are you saying that you like the cast in THE HOWLING better, but you prefer the acting in AMERICAN WEREWOLF?

LS:  Actually, no. I like the cast of THE HOWLING, but the cast of AMERICAN WEREWOLF is superior in just about every way.

MA:  Nick, how about you?  What do you think of the casts?

NC:  I’m with L.L. on this one. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON has the more interesting cast, especially the dead friend, Jack.

MO:  You guys are both wrong.

While I think David Naughton, Griffin Dunne and Jenny Agutter were all good in AMERICAN WEREWOLF, how can you compare them to a movie with Patrick MacNee, Slim Pickens and John Carradine? And Bob Picardo is amazing as “Happy Face” serial killer Eddie; as are awesome “bad girl” Elisabeth Brooks as Marsha and Don McLeod as redneck psycho T.C.

I love the whole dynamic of werewolves who are joyously evil vs. scared victims, some of whom come to embrace their bestial nature, and the pompous psychotherapist (MacNee) who recommends the worst course of therapy imaginable…  I go with THE HOWLING.

MA:  I dunno, Mark. I think I’m siding with L.L. and Nick.

MO:  The horror of it all!

LS:  When you’re right, you’re right!

MA:  I’ve always liked the characters in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF better. David Naughton is OK as David Kessler, the werewolf.

L.L, you said you thought Naughton was excellent as David, but I’ve always found him running hot and cold in this movie.

LS:  What do you know!

MA:  I like it when he’s being goofy, but other than the transformation scene, he doesn’t have the angst and pain of a guy who’s now a murderous beast.

But I agree with you that Griffin Dunne steals the show as David’s undead friend Jack. And I also really like Jenny Agutter as David’s love interest, Nurse Alex Price, and John Woodvine is also memorable as Dr. Hirsch. They all deliver solid performances.

Griffin Dunne as Jack Goodman in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON provides comic relief, even after he's dead.

Interestingly, David Schofield, who plays a dart player in a key scene in the movie, was also in the recent remake of THE WOLFMAN (2010) as a police constable.

I agree that THE HOWLING has a more impressive cast, with Patrick Macnee, Kevin McCarthy, John Carradine, and Dee Wallace in the starring role, but I’ve never warmed up to the characters. As such, I prefer the cast in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF OF LONDON.

Since L.L., Nick, and myself all chose the cast of AMERICAN WEREWOLF, Round 3 goes to AMERICAN WEREWOLF, giving it a 2-1 edge over THE HOWLING.

Next up, it’s Round 4, and the question is, which film’s director does a better job, Joe Dante on THE HOWLING, or John Landis on AMERICAN WERWOLF?

MO:  It’s interesting, both directors are known for their senses of humor – and Dante peppers his film with werewolf references and even a cartoon Big Bad Wolf.

MA:  You’re right, but I think the humor works better in AMERICAN WEREWOLF than it does in THE HOWLING.

MO: Funny you should say that because I actually see AMERICAN WEREWOLF as a tragedy.

MA: It is a tragedy. It just has a lot of funny parts in it.

MO:  And I see THE HOWLING more as a “monster picture.”

Both are entertaining, but I find THE HOWLING darker and scarier – and that’s often what I look for. So, I go with Dante and THE HOWLING.

LS:  Like I said before, Dante gives us an above average drive-in movie. But John Landis gives us something more, with more believable characters and just a higher standard of writing and directing. While I like what Dante did on THE HOWLING, I don’t think you can compare it to AMERICAN WEREWOLF in the directing category. Landis was at the top of his game.

David Naughton in a dream sequence from AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.

MA:  I agree.

MO:  What am I going to do with you two guys?

MA:  I definitely prefer Landis’s work on AMERICAN WEREWOLF. He created the more memorable transformation scene, and the opening bit when David and Jack are attacked on the moors is probably the most suspenseful scene in the movie, and far more suspenseful than anything in THE HOWLING.

I also thought Landis was far more successful pulling off the comic relief, as there are many humorous moments in AMERICAN WEREWOLF.

All in all, I’m going with Landis.

MO:  Nick, help me out here, dude.

NC:  I wish I could, but when it comes to these two directors and their work on these two movies, I don’t have a clear preference. I’m calling it a draw.

MA:  All right, Round 4 goes to AMERICAN WEREWOLF, giving it a 3-1 lead over THE HOWLING. It’s starting to pull away.

Round 5. Which movie has the better screenplay?

I’ll go first.

Hands down, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF. No contest. It’s a very creative screenplay, and includes off-the-wall humor and some memorable scenes with Griffin Dunne as a walking dead man.

I did like how THE HOWLING included in-joke character names, like Dr. George Waggner (the name of the man who directed THE WOLF MAN (1941), Terry Fisher and Fred Francis [two of Hammer Film’s more famous directors. Fisher directed Hammer’s THE CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF (1962)], and Erle Kenton (who directed HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1944) and HOUSE OF DRACULA (1945).

In terms of story and characters, though, I prefer AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF to THE HOWLING.

LS:  Funny enough, I just read the original novel of THE HOWLING before watching the movie again recently – it’s by Gary Brandner – and I was surprised how much the movie changed the story. Not all of the changes make sense – since there are very strong motivations in the novel that are not as clear-cut in the film. I’m surprised by this, because the script was written by John Sayles (along with Terence H. Winkless), and Sayles has a reputation for being an above-average screenwriter—and has had an accomplished career since as a director—even for a movie like this. I actually wish it had stuck more to the original story.

The main changes are the fact that Karen White is a news anchor and a local celebrity (in the book, she was just an average woman), and that the “retreat” she goes to after an attempted rape is some kind of group therapy getaway (in the book, it was a small town that the Whites go to recover from Karen’s actual rape – no attempted in the book). It just seemed that the characters were stronger in the novel. While I don’t hate all the changes the movie made, I just think it’s a so-so script, when it could have been a really good one.

In comparison, John Landis’s script for AMERICAN WEREWOLF is smarter, his characters are more fleshed out, and the motivations are more believable. So AMERICAN WEREWOLF wins the screenplay competition hands down.

MA:  Well, Mark, here we go again. Are you going to side with THE HOWLING on this one?

MO:  Actually, I have to admit the writing is a bit better on AMERICAN WEREWOLF.

NC:  Yes, AMERICAN WEREWOLF has an excellent screenplay.

MA:  Round 5:  AMERICAN WEREWOLF. It’s now up 4-1 over THE HOWLING.

And believe it or not, that’s all the time we have here tonight.

MO:  Already?  Man, that went by fast.

LS:  And see, Nick, you didn’t even have to howl!

NC:  I’ll let you guys do the howling.

MA:  Join us again next Friday night for the third and final installment of our HOWLING vs. AMERICAN WEREWOLF bout. Will AMERICAN WEREWOLF continue to beat up on THE HOWLING?  Or will THE HOWLING come from behind and win with a knock-out?

Tune in next Friday night to find out.

Good night everybody!

—END Part 2—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Mark Onspaugh and Nick Cato

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Friday Night Knife Fights: THE HOWLING VS. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON – PART 1

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2012, Cult Movies, Friday Night Knife Fights, Special Effects, Werewolf Movies with tags , , , , , , , on January 13, 2012 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS: THE HOWLING (1981) vs. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)
PART 1 (of 3)
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Mark Onspaugh and Nick Cato

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome everybody to another edition of FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS, that column where we pit two titans of terror against each other, whether it be movies or directors or whichever, and we see which one comes out the victor.

L.L. SOARES: Or in layman’s terms, we let them kick the crap out of each other and see which one wins!

MA: Something like that. Anyway, tonight L.L. and I are joined by Nick Cato and Mark Onspaugh. Thanks, guys, for joining us.

NICK CATO: You’re welcome. I’m looking forward to this.

MARK ONSPAUGH: Likewise. I had so much fun the last time, I couldn’t wait for the next one.

LS (to Nick): It’s about time you showed up for one of these. What took you so long?

NC: What took me so long? I dunno. Maybe it had something to do with your welcoming personality.

MA: Tonight on FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS we look at two werewolf classics from the 1980s, two movies that were released the same year in fact: THE HOWLING (1981) vs. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981).

Our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters will attempt through a series of questions to determine which one of these hirsute tails—er, tales—is the better film. We’ll be bringing you this debate in three installments, with tonight being PART 1, and PARTS 2 and 3 to follow on successive Friday nights.

Before we get to this evening’s questions, I just have to offer a disclaimer.

LS: What? That you have no taste and no idea what you’re talking about?

MA: No.

That I’ve always preferred AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON to THE HOWLING. I saw both these movies when they first came out in 1981. I loved AMERICAN WEREWOLF immediately, but I left THE HOWLING unimpressed.

In an attempt to avoid unfairly tilting our results in AMERICAN WEREWOLF’S favor, I re-watched both these movies recently, in the hope that I might gain a fresh perspective. As always, I’ve tried my best to keep an open mind.

LS: You have a mind?

MA: I have a mind to take that fire axe hanging on the wall backstage and plunge it into your head.

LS: How violent of you. How can you live with yourself?

MA: Easy. I work with you.

LS: By the way, that sure was some incredible disclaimer. I sure am glad you got that out of the way.

MA: Anyway, moving right along. Tonight we begin our bout with the question, which of these two movies has the better werewolf, or in THE HOWLING’s case, werewolves?

Mark, since this duel was actually your idea— and thank you once again for the suggestion— we’ll start with you.

MO: You’re welcome.

THE HOWLING, hands (paws?) down.

I really hated the final werewolf in AMERICAN WEREWOLF, especially since its form and coloration seemed to bear no relation to the brilliant transformation scene earlier. It also moved so poorly that I wasn’t able to suspend my disbelief. I found THE HOWLING werewolves to be effective and scary… except for the final transformation of Dee Wallace – ugh.

MA: You mean you didn’t like her cute little puppy dog nose?

MO: No!

MA: I’ve always thought she looked like a Muppet. You know, like Rowlf’s girlfriend.

LS: Who the hell is Rowlf?

But getting back to your question. While I think the transformation scene in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981) is superior, I wasn’t all that impressed with the end result. It looked like a big bear or something.

MA: Agreed.

LS: That was my one letdown with AMERICAN WEREWOLF.

The werewolves in THE HOWLING (also 1981) actually look cooler, because they’re more a cross between wolves and humans, but they’re iffy. Sometimes they look really cool, and other times they look fake as hell, depending on the shot. It’s inconsistent.

A cool-looking werewolf from THE HOWLING.

And I’m still not sure what I think of the big ears on the HOWLING werewolves. They add to their unique look, but they also look a little silly. But if I had to make a decision, I think the HOWLING werewolves look a little bit better.

NC: I would agree with you.

I’ve always thought the ‘wolves in THE HOWLING were scarier, especially in the sequence where the woman witnesses a transformation in that small room…the beast’s size shot from such a close range gave me the creeps.

MA: I definitely agree with you about that scene. That’s probably my favorite scene in the movie. It gives me the creeps, too.

But as far as choosing which one has the better werewolf, to be honest, I don’t like either werewolf.

To me, that’s always been the weakest part of AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, a movie I like a lot, that its werewolf looks fake and unconvincing. The werewolves in THE HOWLING aren’t much better, but after seeing these two movies again back to back, I have to give the slightest of edges to THE HOWLING. They were slightly more menacing looking than the creature in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF, who looks almost “cute.”

The "bear-like" werewolf from AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.

Okay, so even though I didn’t like either werewolf all that much, the three of you went with the creatures in THE HOWLING, so Round 1 goes to THE HOWLING.

On to Round 2.

A staple of the werewolf movie is the transformation scene. Which of these two hirsute classics sports the better transformation scene?

I’ll go first this time around and answer my own question.

No contest here. The transformation scene in AMERICAN WEREWOLF is much better than anything seen in THE HOWLING. It’s become a classic of the genre, and there’s a reason why—no, not because Rick Baker/John Landis re-created nearly the exact same scene for Michael Jackson’s THRILLER music video—but because it’s a terrific sequence!

LS: You had to bring up THRILLER? Ugh.

MA: For its time, the special effects were better than anything I had ever seen. Make-up that actually moved, ears and snouts that grew, that was pretty amazing stuff! Plus, David Naughton looks like he’s experiencing the kind of pain you’d expect if your body was contorting into the shape and appearance of a werewolf; the kind of pain Lon Chaney Jr. only hinted at.

The transformations in THE HOWLING don’t come close to what we see in this scene in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF.

NC: Agreed.

AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON has the better—and all-time BEST—transformation scene, which of course won the first Oscar for horror film special effects.

MO: I don’t know. Both are amazing, and you have that martial arts trope of the student going against his old master.

MA: You mean Rob Bottin in THE HOWLING going up against Rick Baker in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF?

MO: Yep. Bottin vs. Baker.

LS: Hey, there’s a future FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHT!

MO: Yeah, that would be a good one.

And both scenes display practical effects, which (when done right) kick the ass of CGI. However, the style and intent of the scenes are so different.

Bottin had total control of the lighting of his scene, while Landis wanted Baker to do something in a high level of light. Bottin’s scene with Picardo is meant to be scary and evil, while Baker’s scene is largely a nightmare being endured (alone) by Naughton.

Landis forbade Baker from giving his protégé (Bottin) any advice, so Baker could only hint at how to solve certain problems. Bottin relies a lot on bladder effects, whereas Baker had pioneered “change-o heads”, where foam and latex forms of Naughton’s face could be mechanically altered (stretched) to produce actual real-time transformations. Unfortunately, the rhythm of Baker’s scene is off, because Landis insisted the head/face change last, in defiance of logic.

David Naughton's transformation begins in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.

As for my choice? I think the main transformation scene in THE HOWLING is scarier, but the scene in AMERICAN WEREWOLF made my jaw drop, awestruck. Even when I knew how it was done (I saw Baker demonstrate the heads to an EFX makeup class), it didn’t lose any power… Just a masterpiece. AMERICAN WEREWOLF wins it.

MA: So you saw Baker demonstrate the heads in an EFX make-up class? That must have been awesome!

MO: It was.

LS: I’m going to help AMERICAN WEREWOLF land another punch because I also think the transformation scene in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON is pretty incredible. Rick Baker and his team give us perhaps the best transformation scene ever, from the sprouting of each hair, to the rising of the spine, to the telescoping of the snout.

The funny thing is, THE HOWLING is no slouch, either, and if THE HOWLING had been the only werewolf movie to come out 1981, it would have been hailed as an effects breakthrough. Unfortunately, AMERICAN WEREWOLF is just that much better, and overshadows it.

I also think there are a few shots in the transformation scene in THE HOWLING that look kinda goofy – like you can tell it’s a rubber mask – while the transformation scene in AMERICAN WEREWOLF is longer, more detailed, and more impressive. Also, THE HOWLING relies a bit too much on inflated condoms under the latex skin—the “bladder effects” Mark was talking about. It looks like everyone who becomes a werewolf has the mumps for a few minutes.

Eddie Quisp (Robert Picardo) begins his change in THE HOWLING.

MA: Inflated condoms? Maybe that’s why Dee Wallace looks so bright and happy in that final transformation scene!

LS: My last comparison is in the circumstances of the big transformation scenes. In AMERICAN WEREWOLF, David is alone in an apartment when it happens, and therefore there’s no one to interrupt or run away screaming. The scene can continue unhindered and give us a thing of beauty.

In THE HOWLING, the big transformation involves the psychopathic Eddie Quisp (Robert Picardo), and he stands there, going through this lengthy transformation as Dee Wallace cowers before him. She just stays there and waits for the entire metamorphosis to finish—instead of trying to run away while he’s occupied with his changes. I guess you could say she was frozen in fear, but it just seemed incredibly silly to me that she gives him time to undergo a complete change without trying to save herself.

NC: She was like the rest of the audience, too busy pissing her pants to move!

MA: We all picked AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON as having the best transformation scene, so Round 2 goes to AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF. After two rounds, we’re dead even, which is better of course than being even dead.

Believe it or not, that’s all the time we have for tonight. It looks like we’ve got a good one going here, folks, so join us next Friday night for PART 2 of FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS: THE HOWLING (1981) vs. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981).

It’s sure to be a howl.

(Michael Arruda, Nick Cato, Mark Onspaugh, and L.L. Soares all howl at the stage lights.)

—END Part 1—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Mark Onspaugh and Nick Cato

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Cinema Knife Fight Presents: THE WORST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Ghosts!, LL Soares Reviews, Michael Arruda Reviews, Vampires, Werewolves, Worst-Of lists with tags , , , , , , on January 3, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:  WORST OF 2011
By MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES

(THE SCENE:  A majestic movie theater, filled with well-dressed guests.  MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES sit on the stage in front of the movie screen.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome back to the second half of our end of the year column.  Last time out, L.L. and I gave you our picks for the TOP 5 BEST FILMS of 2011.  Now it’s time for us to unleash our picks for the WORST 5 MOVIES OF 2011.

L.L. SOARES:  For the BEST OF column, our audience was filled with personalities from the movies we saw, all hoping for a chance to be selected as one of the year’s best.  Let’s see how many brave souls have stuck with us now that we’re uncovering the stinkers of the year.

(Camera pans over audience, which is still filled to capacity, and includes superheroes, apes, aliens, vampires, cowboys, assassins, and Daniel Craig, busy having a 3-way conversation with a Goth girl with a tattoo, some cowboys and aliens, and some ghosts.)

LS:  Still packed?  These guys are braver than I thought.

MA:  I think that giant cannon you have aimed at the exit has something to do with it.

LS:  You think?

MA:  Let’s get this party started.  You went first last time, so I’ll go first this time.  Again, tonight we’re looking at our picks for the TOP 5 WORST MOVIES OF 2011.  My pick for Number 5 is—(reaches into his jacket and begins to pull out an envelope.  An arrow flies by his head, piercing the screen behind him.  MA  puts the envelope back into his jacket.)

DYLAN DOG:  DEAD OF NIGHT.  This was one weird movie, an attempt to bring horror and comedy together that just didn’t work.  Based on an Italian comic book, this bizarre tale of a private detective, played by Brandon Routh, who makes it his business to keep the peace among the city’s warring population of vampires and werewolves, wasn’t funny enough to be a successful comedy, not quirky enough to be campy, and it wasn’t scary at all.  Plus it told a far-fetched story that was hard to swallow.

I also hated the title, as it makes the movie sound like a kid’s cartoon.  Coming up next:  DYLAN DOG AND SCOOBY DOO MEET THE SPACE GHOST!  Gag!

Granted, I didn’t hate this movie, but it was so mediocre, mild, and underwhelming, there’s no way I could keep it off this list.

LS:  Well, I can’t chime in here, because I didn’t see this one. Although I did hear it was pretty bad. Thanks for confirming that – so I don’t have to see it.

My Number 5 pick for Worst Movie of 2011 is PRIEST. I had to sit through the trailer like 14 times (I think the movie’s release date was delayed a few times). The trailer showed us the entire story. So, by the time I saw the movie, I already felt like I’d seen it 15 times already!  And every single time —it sucked. In a future where the Vatican has taken over the world, vampires are the big threat that church-trained assassins have to take down. Based on an anime. Sponsored by Ambien. I can’t tell you how excruciating this was to sit through. Easily one of the most boring movies of 2011. I just didn’t care about any of the characters at all.

MA:  I’m with you.  In fact, I think I disliked PRIEST  more than you did, since it’s a little closer to Stinker Number 1 on my list.  So, I’ll comment more on this one in a bit.

LS:  My Number 4 pick is THE ROOMMATE. Take Barbette Schroeder’s SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, cast it with younger girls and have it take place on a college campus—oh yeah, and make it as dumb as possible—stir briskly, and you have this awful, cliché attempt at a horror movie, starring TV actresses Leighton Meester from GOSSIP GIRL and Minka Kelly from the short-lived CHARLIE’S ANGELS reboot. I heard that director Christian E. Christiansen was deported back to Denmark after he made this one. (just kidding). But man, it was awful.

MA:  This one didn’t bug me as much as it bugged you.  I remember it being more mediocre than awful.  I also remember liking the acting in this one, especially the two leads, Meester and Kelly.  While you hated THE ROOMMATE, I just found it VERY average.

It narrowly missed the cut for my TOP 10 Worst Movies of 2011.

My pick for Number 4 is DREAM HOUSE starring Daniel Craig.  Craig has had a notable year.  We saw him in three movies this year, and all of them made our lists.  COWBOYS AND ALIENS made my Top 5 Best Movies List, and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO made your Top 5 Best Movies List.  But with DREAM HOUSE, he hits rock bottom.  To be fair, Craig is fine in this movie, so it’s not him.  It’s everything else.

LS: Yeah, right.

MA: Of course, the most notorious thing about DREAM HOUSE was its trailer, which gave away a major plot twist!  This twist takes place about half-way through the movie, and since I knew about it beforehand, the first half of this movie was a complete waste of time.  Nice going guys!  Way to go!  Give away the film’s major plot twist before the audience sees the movie!

But even without this spoiler, the film is pretty lame.   Craig plays a writer who quits his position at a publishing house to write a novel and in so doing spend more time with his family.  Of course, family time becomes spooky time as they seem to be visited by ghosts, but there’s a twist (which those of us who saw the trailer already knew), and what Craig learns horrifies him and changes the plot’s direction, as he seeks out not a ghost but a murderer who’s very much alive.

DREAM HOUSE is supposed to be a haunted house/ghost story, but the ghostly elements are all peripheral at best.  It eventually becomes more of a psychological thriller, but it fails here too because it’s not very thrilling.  David Loucka’s weak screenplay is eventually done in by an even more ridiculous and extremely convoluted ending.

DREAM HOUSE is a complete fail.  I didn’t like it at all.

LS:  Well, I have to agree with you there, except I hated it even more than you did. DREAM HOUSE was Number 2 on my list. So I’ll get to it later.

MA:  Number  3 on my list for Worst Movies of 2011 is the awful thriller PRIEST, which you already talked about, since it was Number  5 on your list.

I can sum up what’s wrong with this one just by reviewing its plot.  PRIEST takes place in an alternate world where vampires and humans have battled for centuries, but the humans have finally won the battle because they have a secret weapon: warrior priests.   Nuff said.  Actually, the story goes on as the vampires kidnap the niece of the most famous priest warrior, and he of course must rescue her.  Blah, blah, blah.

PRIEST has a horrible story, unexciting visuals, no character development, and the icing on the cake?  It was in 3D.

PRIEST was one of the more forgettable movies of the year.  In fact, I’ve already forgotten about it.  You should too.

LS:   Dammit, I forgot that PRIEST was in 3D, so we had to even pay extra money to be bored to death!! Yeah, this one smelled so bad the projectionist had to wear a gas mask.

My Number 3 pick is a movie I was excited to see beforehand. And it was a complete letdown. I’m talking about PAUL. I was actually looking forward to this one. It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the stars of such great indie comedies as SHAUN OF THE DEAD and HOT FUZZ. Unfortunately Pegg’s co-writer and director on those movies, Edgar Wright, has nothing to do with PAUL. Maybe that’s why it’s so damn awful. This time around, the director is Greg Mottola (who actually directed SUPERBAD and ADVENTURELAND, so he’s not that bad!), and this one is a big mis-step for everyone involved. Pegg and Frost play two sci-fi nerds who pick up an escaped alien in their RV in the middle of the desert. The creature, named Paul, has the voice of Seth Rogan and looks like your typical gray, big-headed Roswell extraterrestrial. In theory, this sounds pretty good, but the movie itself has almost zero laughs, except for Kristen Wiig as a fundamentalist’s daughter who has a hard time accepting that there’s other intelligent life in the universe. But otherwise, you can hear the crickets. Some movies just should never have been made.

MA:  I didn’t see PAUL.  I forget the reason I wasn’t available to review it that weekend, but after reading your negative review, I decided to skip it altogether, or at least save it for a rental.

LS:  My Number 2 pick is a movie you’ve already talked about – DREAM HOUSE. Daniel Craig lives in a house with the ghosts of his wife and daughters. Daniel Craig finds out that he used to be in a sanitarium, but he doesn’t remember it. Daniel Craig finds out everyone thinks that he killed his family. Daniel Craig solves the mystery. Meanwhile—I struggle not to nod off. This movie had a lot of twists and turns, but in the end it all amounted to a big pile of stupid. Easily the worst movie Daniel Craig has made so far.

MA:  I can’t argue with you there.

My pick for the Second Worst Film of 2011, A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS.

As much as I’ve really enjoyed the recent slate of raunchy Rated R comedies to hit the big screen in the past few years, I didn’t like this one.  I have no problem with raunchiness as long as it’s funny, and that was the major problem I had with this movie:  it wasn’t funny.  The gags were vulgar and raunchy, but they weren’t making me laugh, and I guess the point I’m making is it wasn’t because they were vulgar and raunchy; it was because the comedy just wasn’t sharp.

I know they were going for the Cheech and Chong-style humor here, but there were far too many drug references.  Again, it’s not the fact that it was a drug reference.  It was that it wasn’t funny.  They did the same thing with male genitalia.  Every joke either ended as a drug reference or a male genitalia reference.  Can’t make this joke work?  Hmm.  Let’s just end it with a line about getting high, or have someone say something like “Hey, is that your dick?”  Lowest common denominator, bottom of the barrel writing.

And it was in 3D no less.  Ugh!  A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS makes coal in a stocking look pretty good!

LS:  I liked the very first HAROLD AND KUMAR movie. I didn’t see the second one. And I’m sorry I saw this one. I actually like the characters, but you’re right, this one was not funny. I think I laughed twice. And the preachy “these stoners need to grow up and be responsible adults” storyline just bored the hell out of me. I don’t see a HAROLD AND KUMAR movie to see responsible adults. I see it because I want to laugh. But their 3D CHRISTMAS movie didn’t make me laugh enough.

Well, on to my Number 1 pick. And it is THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1.  I know this is an obvious choice—but it really was the worst movie I saw in 2011. With no real plot (except Bella gets married, Bella gets pregnant, Bella has a baby) to speak of. Boring doesn’t begin to describe this one. And it’s so bad they had to cut it into two parts, so we’re not even done with the TWILIGHT series yet. NOOOOOOO! I was just surprised it wasn’t in 3D.

MA:  My pick for the WORST MOVIE of 2011?  No surprise, it’s also THE TWILIGHT  SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1.

If I could just shriek right now, that would just about cover my feelings, both towards this movie and the entire series.  And as you said, it’s not done yet!  We have one more of these turkeys due out in 2012!  Someone stop the madness! 

I haven’t liked any of the TWILIGHT movies, but I may have hated this one most of all.  First off, what an awful title! It takes longer to say the title than to summarize its plot!  Moody girl marries bland vampire, pregnancy troubles follow.  There you go folks. Let’s move on to Part 2 and hope we can add the tag line, “and everybody dies.”  That would be a satisfactory ending.

LS: The ONLY satisfactory ending. Except, since most of the characters are vampires, dying wouldn’t get rid of them.

MA: THE TWILIGHT  SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1 was yet another awful entry in probably the most boring movie series I’ve ever watched in my life.  The first third of this movie is simply a wedding.  Then it moves on to Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon—can you stand all this excitement? —and then it finishes with Bella’s life being in danger due to complications arising from her supernatural pregnancy.

There are too many things wrong with this movie (and this series) to talk about here, but I’ll just summarize them all by saying none of the other movies on my list today even come close to the dread inspired by this horrid waste of film.  I know these movies appeal to a very specific niche, and that’s fine, but would it be too much to ask to offer  something— some spark of creativity, humor, horror, anything!— to make it palatable to those of us outside this niche?  Because as these movies stand now, they offer nothing to the general audience of moviegoers, other than an-after viewing headache due to overwhelming boredom.

I’d rather sit through Breaking Wind than BREAKING DAWN.

LS:  Well, at least we agreed on the Worst Movie of 2011. You know there are a lot of bad movies in a year when SCREAM 4 comes out, and it doesn’t make my Top 5 of the worst movies.

MA:  How true that is!  I really thought I’d see SCREAM 4 on your Top 5 list.  It was Number 7 on my list.

LS: It was Number 6 on mine.

MA: Well, that wraps up another year of movies here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.  With the exception of the movies we discussed today, I’d say that, all in all, 2011 was a very good year for movies.

LS:  Well, as usual, I had a Top 10 of Worst films, rather than a Top 5. So there were a lot more bad movies than just these. But I’ll list the rest of mine in a separate column .

MA:  Yeah, I had more than five on my WORST list too, but I also had a whole bunch of movies that I really liked, close to 20, on my BEST OF list.  That’s more than usual for me, which is why I said it was a good year for movies.

MA: Thanks everybody for joining us.  We’ll see you in 2012!

(The cannon explodes, blowing a huge hole through the exit doors.)

MA (to LS):  What did you do that for?

LS:  I just wanted to get the New Year started with a bang!

MA:  Okie-dokie.  Well, folks, there you have it.  Another explosive ending to a CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT column.

(Everyone in the room runs screaming through the hole to get away)

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Just Plain Bad, Sequels, Twilight Saga, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , on November 21, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 (2011)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares


(THE SCENE: A clearing in the forest, richly decorated for a wedding party. As a young bride and groom prepare to exchange vows before their adoring guests, which include family members, vampires and werewolves, a twin-engine plane flies by low overhead. Inside the plane are MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES. )

(MA hurls tomatoes down at the crowd, while LS fires coconuts at them. Amidst the gasps and screams, they spot a film crew and take particular care to pelt the movie makers.)

MA (shrieking): STOP MAKING THESE MOVIES!!

LS (shouting crazily): DIE! YOU SICK BASTARDS! (Bonks the director on the head with a large coconut.)

(DISSOLVE to a tropical island setting. On a beautiful picturesque beach, an elegant beach house awaits the bride and groom. A banner flies overhead which reads “Welcome Vampire Lovers! Werewolves please check your shirts at the door.”)

(The twin engine plane has landed on the beach. LS approaches the beach house alone.)

LS: Hey, Michael! Where the hell are you? One second he’s with me, and the next he’s gone! He sure is acting weird today. I’ve never seen him this upset. I know he didn’t want to review this new TWILIGHT movie, but he better have not chickened out on me. I don’t feel like doing this review alone.

(The door to the beach house is open, and LS enters.)

LS: Michael? You in here?

(A frying pan flies across the room and plunks LS in the head.)

LS: What the—?

MA (looking crazed): You son of a bitch! This is all your fault!

LS: Calm down! (looks at bent frying pan) Now look what you did. You ruined a perfectly good frying pan!

MA: “Let’s review BREAKING DAWN,” you said! “We owe it to our readers,” you said!

LS: It’s true!

MA: I don’t care! I hate these movies and never want to see another one again! You bastard! (Fires a giant spatula at LS, who ducks out of the way.)

LS: Hey! This is good kitchen equipment you’re ruining!

MA: Too bad! I want you to say it!

LS: Say what?

MA: That we’re never seeing another TWILIGHT movie again.

LS: I can’t say that. Besides, there’s only one more. (A ladle flies past LS’s head and crashes through a window.) You know I’m right. You just need to calm down and start thinking with a clear head. (Three giant onions whiz through the air towards LS. He catches one and starts eating it like an apple.) Brings tears to my eyes. Look, the sooner we finish this review, the sooner we don’t have to talk about it anymore. Want me to start? Would that help?

MA: NO! I’m starting. I’m gonna make this as quick as possible. I’m not wasting any more of our time on this crap.

LS: Take a deep breath and settle yourself down. Here, want an onion?

MA: NO, I DON’T WANT AN ONION! (takes a deep breath) As you can see, I’m crying already. (takes another deep breath)

Okay, I can do this. I’m ready.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 is—first of all, what a ridiculous title! Who calls a movie a saga? Really, imagine if George Lucas had done the same: THE STAR WARS SAGA: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK – EPISODE 5 PART 1 SEGMENT 2 STARS 4. Idiocy!

Anyway, this latest installment of the TWILIGHT SAGA, as you would expect, picks up where the last one left off. Bella (Kristin Stewart) and vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) are getting married, so the first third of this movie is—the wedding. Now, doesn’t that sound exciting?

LS (snoring and suddenly wakes up): Wha? What? I swear I wasn’t sleeping!

MA: At the very least, jilted werewolf lover Jacob (Taylor Lautner) —who, by the way, wastes no time taking his shirt off, as it is ripped off within the first few seconds of this movie!—could show up to wreak some jealous havoc, but we can’t even have that. No, the ever-so-noble Edward actually arranges for his arrival as a surprise for his sweetheart Bella. Can I vomit now?

LS (vomits into a bucket): Okay, now you can have it (Hands MA the bucket)

Yeah, in the very first scene Jacob runs out of the house, rips off his shirt and turns into a giant lame-ass CGI wolf, running into the woods. Why is he so upset? Because he got an in invitation to Bella’s wedding! He’s lost her forever! Boo hoo! But when he pulls off his shirt, all the tweeners in the audience screamed. Let’s face it; this guy doesn’t have to be able to act. What he does isn’t acting, it’s undressing.

And yeah, you’d think from this first scene that he’s all angry about the wedding, but he still gladly shows up at the wedding reception as Edward’s secret “wedding gift” for Bella. Jacob and Bella even dance together in the woods, as Edward looks on.

How friggin stupid!

MA: After the wedding, as logic dictates, it’s time for the honeymoon, on a tropical island much like this one, so the second third of the movie is—the honeymoon. How’s that for excitement? Still with me folks? I thought I might have lost you since this is such thrilling stuff.

LS (reading a book): What? Are you still doing the review?

MA: Now for the fun part (Not really….The fun part was when I ran out of the theater screaming as soon as the end credits began to roll.) Bella strangely becomes pregnant, and immediately starts “showing”—which, of course, isn’t possible because they just consummated their marriage like a second ago—but it turns out the pregnancy is very “wrong,” as they somehow know that Bella is carrying a strange baby, even though they haven’t taken her to see a doctor.

LS: I have never seen a series that is more anti-sex than the TWILIGHT SAGA. Up until now, Edward refuses to have sex with Bella because he’s afraid he’ll hurt or kill her, because he’s this big strong vampire and she’s a fragile little human. So what happens on the first night of their honeymoon? They have sex. Why couldn’t they have done this before? Edward promises to be as gentle as he can, and the house gets trashed in the process—wow, what a passionate lover! (LS yawns) —yet Bella isn’t harmed or killed. So I guess all of the teasing the series has done up to this point was complete crap.

But there has to be a reason why sex is still bad, so Bella gets suddenly pregnant with a monster baby that is eating up all the nutrients in her body and making her sicker and sicker, and supposedly they barely did it! To have full-on, complete sex, they have to both be vampires. So even a tiny bit of sex is enough to ruin Bella’s life! Maybe she should have really considered becoming a nun!

But they are both soooooo in love!

I have never seen characters like this before. The scariest thing in all of the TWILIGHT movies isn’t vampires or werewolves. It’s sex! These movies seriously need to grow up.

MA: Suddenly, Bella’s life is in danger, and so all of Edward’s vampire family—and Jacob and his werewolf buddies—rush to her aid for the final third of the movie, where Bella is sick in bed while the world waits on her hand and foot.

I think I’ll throw up now.

LS: Again? Please turn your head. These are new shoes.

But you didn’t mention that the werewolves aren’t really there to help or protect Bella (except for Jacob and two of his dopey sidekicks). The rest of the werewolves are hanging around because they’re there to kill Bella and her unborn child. Why?

It’s some kind of violation of the treaty between vampires and werewolves for Bella to have a hybrid baby, or some such garbage.

MA:  And that’s why I didn’t mention it.  Because I would have had to say the words “vampire/werewolf treaty.”

LS:  I never fully understood why they couldn’t just leave her alone. They’re supposed to try to prevent her from having the child—but the Cullen clan and Jacob protect her—and then, once the child is born, they’re supposed to kill it. Why don’t they just go back to playing football without their shirts? I never saw such stupid werewolves in my life. Why do they even care?

MA: This movie is so bad and so stupid I’m really having a difficult time even standing here talking about it, because, really, there’s nothing more to say than it sucks and don’t waste your time or money.

But if you really want to know what’s wrong with it, read on.

There’s not a single character I like in this series. They’re all incredibly shallow and boring. And Edward’s vampire family has got to be the saddest vampire clan in movie history. First off, their make-up is ridiculous. They’re all pale with incredibly bad haircuts, they look like vampires. How is it possible that nobody in the “real world” of this movie knows they’re vampires? Of course, the werewolves have no problem knowing who’s a vampire and who isn’t, meaning the humans in this series must be incredibly stupid.

LS: That goes without saying. All of the human characters (like Bella’s friends and family) are mostly around to act dumb and provide comic relief.

But you’re right—the vampire are so obviously vampires with their incredibly pale skin which just looks like clown make-up. They’re just stupid-looking. Oh yeah, and red contact lenses when they’re angry. Spoooky! Oh, and they carry around big heavy things like they’re superheroes. Wow.

At least I don’t see them “sparkling” in the sunlight anymore. I guess they forgot about that in this installment of the saga.

As far as there not being one single good character in the series, I disagree. I still like Jessica Cullen (Anna Kendrick), only because I think Kendrick is the cutest chick in the movie, and she can actually act (although she isn’t given much chance to do that). I have no desire to talk about any of the other characters, though, because they’re all pretty boring.

MA: Bella, Edward, and Jacob have to be the dullest love triangle in film history. They wouldn’t know passion if it came up and bit them in the ass. I’d believe The Three Tenors had fallen in love before I buy the feelings of these three!

These three characters are about as fleshed out and well-written as three blind mice. The performances don’t help either. Robert Pattinson as Edward is the best of the three, but Edward the vampire is so vanilla-boring he makes Bela Lugosi seem like Hannibal Lector. His “noble character” shtick makes me sick. In a flashback, where we learn more of Edward’s past, we see that he killed and drank blood from murderers only, and even though Bella points out that he probably saved some lives by killing these bad guys, Edward still feels guilty about it. “But they were still human beings!” Hand me another barf bag, please!

LS: All three of these characters are so good and so noble, why don’t they just have a threesome already, since they’re all so loveable? Or better yet, how about some monster hunter finally shows up and puts them out of their misery? God, I hate these characters!

MA: Kristen Stewart, who I believe can act, is just so damn annoying as Bella. Her face seems permanently stuck in a depressed expression. She looks like she needs to spend her days writing brooding accounts in her personal diary. And Taylor Lautner is just plain awful as Jacob the werewolf. As you would expect, the CGI werewolves look just as bad as they have in the previous movies.

LS: Yeah, in this series, werewolves are just giant cartoon wolves. Lamest werewolves ever!

MA: I STILL have no idea why everyone in these movies is so interested in Bella, and frankly, I find it incredibly annoying. This has got to be one of the worst parts of the movie—of the entire series, actually—that there are always hordes of people trying to look out for, or help, Bella. Why? She’s BORING, people! Is she incredibly funny? No. Is she a screw-up who we feel sorry for? No. Is she bold and daring, and a kick-ass heroine who’ll really gives it to someone who’s out to get her? No. What is she then? Someone who needs to be taken care of by the dashing princes in her life (CUE: “Awww.”) She’d be annoying even in real life, but it’s even worse that it’s a movie, since movies are supposed to entertain us.

Bella’s so damn boring.

LS: You’ll get no argument from me. I hate all three of them. Another big problem with this movie is that it has no real villains. No outside characters come in and are clear-cut bad guys. Unless you consider Bella’s monster baby – but even that isn’t a villain, it’s just a vampire baby trying to stay alive in a puny human’s inadequate womb. When it’s born (at this point, I couldn’t care less about spoilers—this movie doesn’t deserve it), it’s so cute and sweet, you wonder why anyone would be afraid of it at all. So all of the “conflicts” here are pretty much meaningless: the werewolves want to kill Bella and her baby for reasons that are completely idiotic and contrived; the vampires and Jacob stand their ground; and any actual fighting is kept to a minimum.

The only real tension revolves around whether Bella should keep the baby or not: Edward wants to get rid of the baby because he knows its birth could kill Bella—who he has finally married and loves so much—while Bella refuses to do anything to harm the baby. This argument is more passionate than anything else in this dull movie.

Frankly, I wish someone would just get rid of the lot of them!

Oh yeah, and the big “shocking” final scene is one anyone could see a mile away. You don’t have to have read the books to figure this one out, especially since there’s a PART 2 still to come out. So much for any semblance of suspense.

MA: So, make sure you thank screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, who’s written the screenplays for all of the TWILIGHT movies, novelist Stephanie Meyer who wrote the books which these movies are based on, and director Bill Condon—give them all a nice big “thank you” by NOT seeing this movie.

Yeah, I know. It’s not going to happen. I’m sure the movie sold out across the nation this weekend. I know the three showings at my local theater the day I went were all sold out, and there wasn’t an empty seat in the theater I was at.

LS: Yeah, I went to see it early in the afternoon and the evening showings were all sold out already. And the showing I saw was packed to the gills. The TWILIGHT movies will be a money-making juggernaut til the very end. And I still have no clue why anyone can eat this stuff up without getting food poisoning.

MA: Because they’re hardcore fans of the series.

For the rest of us, stay away from this bland nonsense! I give THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1— ZERO KNIVES and rank it as one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year.

LS: I keep seeing these movies and think “This can’t get any worse.” But I swear—each movie is worse than the one before it—and this one is the worst one yet. It pretty much has no story to it. It’s just a wedding, a honeymoon, and a (difficult) birth, involving characters I can’t stand. I had to force myself to stay awake at times, because it’s also too long. I wish there were more ways to explain just how horrible this movie is. But words fail me.

So I give THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 a rating of negative 1 knife. Yes, NEGATIVE. As in, they owe me a knife for sitting through this sludge. I can only imagine how much more horrible PART 2 will be.

MA: I’ll save you the trouble.  It’s going to suck.  So, why don’t we just agree now to skip it?

LS:  That would be unfair to our readers who enjoy what we have to say about these films.  (to audience) I have to admit the real reason we see these films is the joy I get  knowing Michael has to sit through them. But then again, so do I!

(To MA): We better get out of here before the “vampire lovers” arrive.  Let’s just go to a bar and wash the memory of it from our minds.

MA: That’s the best thing you’ve said all day.

LS:  I thought “Die! You sick bastards!” was pretty good.

See you next time folks. Anything we review next week has to look terrific after this pile of dung.

END

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ~ zero knives!

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LL Soares gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ~ negative 1 knife!

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Pickin’ The Carcass: WOLVESBAYNE (2009)

Posted in 2011, Michael Arruda Reviews, Monsters, Pickin' the Carcass, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , on August 31, 2011 by knifefighter

PICKIN’ THE CARCASS:  WOLVESBAYNE (2009)
By Michael Arruda

 

Welcome to another edition of PICKIN’ THE CARCASS, that column where I scour the juicy horror movie carcass looking for delectable morsels I missed the first time around.

Today’s feature, WOLVESBAYNE (2009), now available on DVD, is about as satisfying as a cookie crumb.

WOLVESBAYNE can be summed up in three words:  vampire –werewolf – feud.  Need I say more?

A realtor named Russell Bayne (Jeremy London), who starts out in the beginning of the movie as a greedy son of a bitch (but then later, when he becomes a werewolf, enjoys an even more stunning transformation into a nice guy), unsuccessfully tries to convince a woman Alex Layton (Christy Romano) to sell her store to him.  How many times have we seen this plot point?  Fortunately this movie doesn’t spend much time on this cliché.  Alex, who says she “sees” things, warns Russell that he’s in danger, and since he’s still in SOB mode at this point, he takes her words as a threat and tells her what she can do with her warning.

Should have listened to Alex, Russell.  Later that night, he’s attacked by a werewolf, and when he himself becomes a werewolf—and a nice guy— Alex decides to help him.  Why?  Well, it turns out that Alex used to be a werewolf, and so she knows that as a werewolf, Russell is now a target of the vampires, who are in the middle of a feud with the werewolves.  The evil leader of the vampires, Von Griem (Mark Dacascos) is hell-bent on resurrecting the ultimate vampire leader, a female vampire named Lilith (Yancy Butler), and to do this he has to collect a bunch of artifacts and other cool items that Indiana Jones would be interested in.  Following this?  There’s more.

To help Russell fight back the vampires, Alex enlists the aid of famed vampire hunter Jacob Van Helsing (Rhett Giles) and his followers.  Just why the vampires are so interested in Russell is never clearly explained, or maybe I was just daydreaming at that point, since this plot was oh-so-compelling!

WOLVESBAYNE is a ridiculously silly and unrealistic movie that is totally unsatisfying as a horror movie, which is too bad, because the film looks good, and the actors do a fairly good job with what they have to work with.

The story is just flat out awful.  Whatever happened to the days when werewolves and vampires were scary?  Since when did they start acting like elves and hobbits?  What’s next?  Vampires and werewolves go to Congress?  Romeo and Juliet as a vampires vs. werewolves story?

Leigh Scott wrote the screenplay, and it’s full of one unrealistic conversation after another.  When the characters interact about normal everyday things, the story works, but as soon as the dialogue shifts to vampire/werewolf feuds, vampire/werewolf treaties and talisman treasures, all bets are off, and it loses me.

Scott also wrote FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005), another film I didn’t like.

If just one person involved in this movie had said, “we want our audience to believe what’s going on in our story,” there’d be hope for this movie.  It’s as if the people who made WOLVESBAYNE assumed people will never believe this so let’s not even go for believability.  Wrong assumption.  The best horror, no matter how outlandish it seems on the surface, must be believed for it to work.

The werewolf make-up here, what little we see of it, isn’t bad, and Russell Bayne’s initial transformation scene is pretty good, but WOLVESBAYNE doesn’t even come close to being a decent werewolf movie.  The werewolves here, especially Bayne, do absolutely nothing.  No Larry Talbot angst, no werewolf ferocity, just a feud with vampires.  Boring.

The acting’s not bad.  Jeremy London is pretty good as main character Russell Bayne, though I don’t understand why it is that he starts out like a jerk, and by the end of the movie he’s a nice leading man.  Maybe turning into a werewolf actually helped his disposition!  London has a “Brendan Fraser” thing going in this movie, though he never matches Fraser’s leading man charisma or physical presence.

London also has the misfortune of saying the most ridiculous line in the whole movie.  When he meets Jacob Van Helsing, he says with a straight face, “Van Helsing?  I’ve heard that name before.”

Christy Romano is actually pretty hot as Alex Layton, and better yet, she’s a pretty good actor and does a nice job with the role.  Mark Dacascos looks good as the evil vampire Von Griem, and his performance is pretty good too, but sadly, he doesn’t get to do all that much in terms of evil vampire stuff.  Yancy Butler as the queen vampire Lilith— Lilith? Didn’t she used to be on FRASIER? —is okay, but she didn’t really make much of an impression.

As famed vampire hunter Jacob Van Helsing, Rhett Giles is good-looking and sufficiently dashing, but his performance is simply standard.  He does have a cool name though.  In fact, Rhett Giles is a much cooler name than Jacob Van Helsing!  Giles has experience playing Van Helsing.  He also played Jacob Van Helsing in DRACULA’S CURSE (2006), and he played Abraham Van Helsing in WAY OF THE VAMPIRE (2005).  Giles also played Dr. Victor Frank in FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005), a silly modernization of the Frankenstein tale.

WOLVESBAYNE was directed by Griff Furst, and as silly and forgettable as this movie is, I wouldn’t say it’s because of the director.  The movie looks polished, and some of the scenes are handled well, like the initial attack scene where Bayne is bitten by a werewolf, but so little happens in this movie, and later, when the action involves werewolves feuding with vampires, I just didn’t care.

A weak and ridiculous story is the fatal flaw of WOLVESBAYNE, not the director.

If you like fantasy tales about werewolf gangs fighting vampire gangs, you might find WOLVESBAYNE slightly interesting.  But if you’re like me, and you like werewolf horror movies, WOLVESBAYNE is anything but and should be avoided like wolfs’ bane on a full moon.

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda

1 Comment »

Friday Night Knife Fights: TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM – Part 2

Posted in 2011, Friday Night Knife Fights, Garbage, Psycho killer, Sequels, Slasher Movies, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , on May 27, 2011 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS- Free-for-all Cage Match
TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM:   Which one of the three is the WORST series? Part 2 (Conclusion)
By Michael Arruda and L.L.  Soares

 …..Previously, on FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:

 (the camera buzzes as the film rewinds, then starts again)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Moving onto our next question, if you were allowed to improve one of these franchises, which one would you like to improve, and just how would you improve it?

L.L. SOARES:  The way to improve these movies is to simply stop making them.

(A gargantuan cheer erupts from the audience, and suddenly LS is receiving a standing ovation.  Even MA stands to give him a hand.)

MA:  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

LS:  I know.

(film fades to black)

And now the conclusion to FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:

(The camera starts again. The audience’s ovation finally dies down)

MA:  Welcome back to FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS.  L.L. and I are continuing our discussion of TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM, attempting to determine which one of the three is the worst series overall.

Now, LL, you were just saying that the best way to improve these movies would be to simply stop making them.

LS:  Why continue making crap?  End these things and put us out of our misery.

At least the SAW franchise claims to have done this. A new SAW movie always came out around Halloween time for years, but that’s gladly over with. Instead, we’ll get a new PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie every October.

How about something new and different, instead of retreads?

MA:  Unfortunately, that’s the Hollywood formula.  As long as the retreads keep making money, Hollywood will keep churning them out.

I definitely agree with you on this point, that the best way to improve these franchises is to stop making them. However, if I had to choose one I’d want to improve, I’d choose SCREAM.  I’m not interested in touching either TWILIGHT or SAW.

To improve the SCREAM movies I would tweak the SCREAM formula by having the hip in-the-know-about-horror movies banter spoken only by characters whose lives aren’t in danger.  As soon as these characters are threatened by the masked menace, I’d have them react realistically, meaning they’d be scared to death, and they certainly wouldn’t be making wisecracks about horror movies.  That’s how it is now, and it kills any authenticity these stories might otherwise have.

And that’s all I have to say on the subject.  I’m not really all that interested in improving these series.  I’d prefer they’d just go away.


We’re getting closer to our goal of choosing the worst of the three.  Of the three series, which one has been the most painful to sit through?

I’ll go first this time and answer my own question, and I’m going to cheat a little bit here, as I’m choosing two.  See, for me it’s a tie between TWILIGHT and SAW.

By far, TWILIGHT has been the most boring series to sit through.  Never in my life have I experienced boredom at the movie like this.  It’s awful!  I would pay someone to stop making these films, they’re so dreadfully slow and painful.

But as horribly boring as TWILIGHT has been, SAW has been just as painful, but for different reasons.  For me, it comes down to the subject matter of these movies.  I just don’t enjoy horror tales built around torture.  Seeing people suffer agonizing tortures just because, and the films really don’t justify Jigsaw’s actions, is not my thing.  How can you justify Jigsaw’s actions anyway?  Even if he had just cause, what he does is indefensible.   Jigsaw and his antics are about as fun as the flu, and as realistic as DYLAN DOG.

LS: See, this is where I have a problem with your argument, because, as far as I know, you haven’t seen that many of the SAW movies. I know I’ve had to review them alone for years. I’m guessing you only saw one or two of them. So it’s not really fair that you judge all of them if you haven’t seen them. On the other hand, I’ve had to sit through all of the movies we’re talking about.

MA:  Not fair?  What, are we on the playground?  You’re right.  I haven’t seen as many of the SAW movies as you have, but I’ve seen enough.  Are you telling me that in the later films things get better?

LS:  I’m saying that Jigsaw does have a justification for his actions—however lame—and that is he’s trying to put bad people in a life-and-death situation in order to wake them up and make them change their lives.

MA:  What a thoughtful guy!  And I already knew this, as this plot point was in the films I saw.

LS:  I admit, this gets tired fast, but it is how he justifies his actions. I don’t think it’s any more stupid than every character in a SCREAM movie suddenly being an expert movie critic or Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt every five minutes in the TWILIGHT movies.

To be honest, the SAW movies just don’t bother me as much as the other two series do. I find the movies brainless, but entertaining. And they don’t repulse me like the SCREAM or the TWILIGHT movies do. The SAW movies may not be great, but I don’t mind them that much.

MA: At least SCREAM, for all its faults, has a set of recurring characters I enjoy watching, and the first movie had a good sense of humor and some decent thrills.  I can’t find anything redeeming about TWILIGHT or SAW.

LS: Who needs “redeeming?” I just want to be entertained. The SAW movies are the only ones that even come close to doing this. So they’re the lesser of three evils. And while you enjoy watching the recurring characters in the SCREAM movies, I despise them all and wish they’d just die already. So not everyone shares your affection for those dumb-ass characters.

As for me, I’d say the worst of the bunch is a draw too, but between two different movies.

The SCREAM movies because they irritate the hell out of me, and the TWILIGHT movies because it’s torture trying to stay awake while watching them.

MA:  And now for the big question, the final question of the night, when we decide the winner— or loser— of tonight’s competition:  which one of the three- TWILIGHT, SAW, or SCREAM— is the worst series?

LS:  The worst of the three is a tie between the SCREAM movies and the TWILIGHT movies.

MA:  There seems to be a lot of ties tonight.

LS:  They are bad in different ways. The SCREAM movies feature annoying, self-aware dialogue that doesn’t sound natural and thinks it is much cleverer than it is. Also, with each sequel they become more and more like the lame sequels they make fun of.

MA:  True.

LS:  The TWILIGHT movies, in comparison, don’t even try to be scary, because they’re not horror movies at all. They’re romance films playing dress up. And they’re abysmally boring.

MA:  Also true.

Okay, my turn to pick the worst.

I’m going to go with the SAW movies as the worst of the three because they have so little to offer.  Mindless violence, gruesome pointless tortures, and no story or decent characters whatsoever, the SAW films rely solely on the gross-out for their horror points, and this just doesn’t cut it—heh, heh— for me.

As much as I abhor the TWILIGHT movies, they don’t turn me off like the SAW movies.  They just put me to sleep.

With SCREAM – I actually like the characters, and the story in the first one was a good one.  Even though they’ve gone downhill since the first movie, the SCREAM films are still not as twisted and sick as SAW or as boring and dull as TWILIGHT.

So, my pick as the worst of the three is SAW.

It looks like then, since I picked SAW, and you picked both TWILIGHT and SCREAM, that we have a three way tie.

LS:  Let’s be honest here. They all suck.

MA:  I guess that’s apropos, that they each received a vote for The Worst Series.

With just the two of us here tonight, it would have been difficult to pick just one worst series anyway, unless that rarity of rarities occurred, and you and I agreed, and we both chose the same movie.  Maybe we’ll do this again sometime with some guest panelists.

LS:  I hope not.  I really don’t want to talk about these movies again anytime soon.

MA:  I agree with you there.  Still, there may have to be a rematch at some point.

So, hopefully nobody out there is disappointed, but tonight’s results reveal a stalemate.  Which one is the worst series?  It’s a draw, as TWILIGHT, SAW, and SCREAM all received one vote, meaning, they’re all horrible!

There are no winners here tonight, only losers.

LS: I guess I need to get off the stage then.

MA:  My prayers have finally been answered.

Well that wraps things up from here.  This has been FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS.  I’m Michael Arruda, and on behalf of L.L. Soares and myself, thanks for joining us tonight.  Good night, everybody!

—-END—

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DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

Posted in 2011, Campy Movies, Cinema Knife Fights, Horror-Comedies, Michael Arruda Reviews, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT (2011)
By Michael Arruda

 

(The Scene: The interior of a private detective’s office. MICHAEL ARRUDA sits behind a desk, his shirtsleeves rolled up, sweat dribbling from his forehead. It’ sweltering hot, a fan atop a file cabinet blows humid air, and the round neon light on the ceiling only adds to the discomfort. There is a knock at the door, and a WOMAN enters, frantic and scared.)

WOMAN: Are you Michael Arruda, the private detective?

MA: Last time I checked, that was the name on my apartment mailbox.

WOMAN: Help me, Mr. Arruda! You just have to take my case!

MA: Not so fast, sweetheart. I usually like to hear what I’m getting into first before I take a case. Why don’t you have a seat and tell me what it is you want me to do.

WOMAN: There’s no time to sit down!

MA: Then stand up then. It makes no difference to me.

(The woman walks nervously to the window and peers outside, as if she expects to see someone following her.)

MA: Or look out the window. Whatever works for you. As long as you tell me what it is you want me to do it doesn’t matter.

WOMAN: Well, it’s my husband—.

MA: Oh yes, there’s always a husband.

WOMAN: He’s— (she looks besides MA’s desk and sees a large dog lying in a dog bed). What’s that?

MA: Well, that’s a dog. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a dog before, Ms.—-?

WOMAN: Astor. Marie Astor. I know it’s a dog. What’s it doing here?

MA: Ms. Astor, meet Max. Max, meet Ms. Astor. Max is my partner.

WOMAN: Your partner’s a dog? Isn’t that a bit strange?

MA: Not if you met my last partner. He talked too much. Max here is more to my liking. He’s the silent type.

WOMAN: Are you serious?

MA: Dead serious, and don’t you go knocking Max. He’s sensitive, you know. One word from him, and I’ll drop your case in a heartbeat.

WOMAN: He talks?

MA: Well, barking is more like it, but if you’ve ever spent much time with dogs, you realize they’re pretty good at communicating. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Max, what do you think of Ms. Astor? Should we take her case?

(MAX looks up at Ms. Astor and then puts his head back down.)

MA: That means he likes you. Had he barked I would have asked you to leave.

WOMAN: You expect me to put my faith in a man who talks to dogs?

MA: I don’t expect you to do anything, except pay the bills if I take your case.

WOMAN: Well, I think I’m changing my mind. I don’t even like dogs, and I’m supposed to hire someone who talks to them, especially a mutt like that one, who’s about as—.

MA: Careful, Ms. Astor.

WOMAN: — as ugly as a horse’s ass!

(MAX barks.)

MA: Sorry, Ms. Astor. You shouldn’t have said that. (Presses button on desk, and a trap door opens beneath Ms. Astor, and she falls screaming into a pit below. Trap door slides shut.)

Well, now that we don’t have to deal with her, we can get on with our review of today’s movie, DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT (2011) the new horror comedy about a detective who battles vampires, werewolves, and zombies.

And no, Dylan Dog is not a dog. He’s just a private detective, played by Brandon Routh. I have to say at the outset that one strike against this movie is its title. DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT sounds like an animated kids’ movie about an adventurous dog.

(MAX barks.)

MA: Yes, I know you would have liked that.

But the fact is it’s not an animated movie about a dog, but an action/adventure/horror/comedy smorgasbord that’s aimed at teens and adults. But you wouldn’t know it by its title.

(Phone rings, and MA answers it.)

Hello? No, L.L. Soares isn’t here today. He’s on vacation. He’ll be back next week. I’ll tell him you called. Oh, I’m having a blast. I get to play a Humphrey Bogart-style gumshoe while covering this movie solo. It’s a hoot.

(MAX barks)

MA: Well, almost solo. Okay, Max, I’ll let you get your two cents in. But promise to keep it brief. I don’t think many of our readers are dogs. (Speaks back into the phone). Well, thanks for calling. Catch you later. (Hangs up phone and speaks to Max). That was Hellboy looking for some free beer.

Anyway, I wasn’t really expecting much from DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT, so I wasn’t overly disappointed by its being a very mediocre film. The best thing I can say about it is it wasn’t worse than I expected.

It’s one silly movie, mildly entertaining, not funny enough to be a successful comedy, not quirky enough to be campy, not scary at all, and one that tells a VERY farfetched story that’s hard to swallow, but yet, when all is said and done, it somehow manages to entertain.

(MAX barks)

MA: Max agrees, although he was disappointed there weren’t any dogs in this movie, especially since the name of the movie was DYLAN DOG.

Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh) is a private detective in New Orleans who enjoys a special relationship with the city’s undead. Years before, he had been hired to be their human protector. He would help keep the peace amongst the vampires and werewolves living in New Orleans. I’m not sure exactly why these creatures needed a human to do this, but that’s the arrangement they had set up, until one day, Dylan’s girlfriend was murdered, and Dylan retaliated by killing the group of elder vampires. As a result, Dylan no longer enjoys a nice working relationship with the undead.

Poor Dylan.

When a prominent importer is murdered by a werewolf, the man’s daughter Elizabeth (Anita Briem) hires Dylan to solve the case. Dylan initially declines, but when his partner Marcus (Sam Huntington) is also murdered, apparently by the same creature, Dylan changes his mind and decides to take the case.

The investigation reunites Dylan with some of his old pals, including the elder statesman of the werewolves, Gabriel (Peter Stormare) and his son Wolfgang (Kurt Angle), who run a local meat packing company, both of whom belong to a long line of werewolves, and the leader of the vampires, Vargas (Taye Diggs). Vargas runs a hip vampire nightclub, popular because he markets vampire blood for humans, blood they pay a lot of money for just to get their “fix.” Vargas says he’s grateful to Dylan, because Dylan is responsible for killing the previous vampire leaders, which set the stage for his rise to the top, but Vargas is a smooth operator and Dylan clearly doesn’t believe him.

The investigation leads Dylan to a cross-like object known as “the heart,” an object which Elizabeth’s dad had illegally smuggled into the country. It seems both the vampires and werewolves are after this object because of the power it contains. Whoever owns the “heart” can tap into the power of a great demon of ancient times.

Things grow even more complicated when Dylan discovers it’s not just the vampires and werewolves who are after the heart, but also zombies and “monster hunters,” humans who are compared to religious fanatics, who stop at nothing to destroy the undead, which Dylan says is morally wrong since most undead live as law abiding citizens and do not harm humans. What a softy!

(Phone rings)

Hello? (covers receiver and speaks to Max) It’s the Fat Man! (speaks back into phone) No, I don’t know where the bird is. No, L.L. is not in Mexico looking for the Falcon. I told you— (sighs exasperatedly)—you want a clue as to how to find the bird? Okay, I’ll give you one. Make a fist. Now, stick out your middle finger. There. You found it. (hangs up) That takes care of him.

Back to the movie.

It turns out Dylan’s partner Marcus was killed by a zombie, which means he comes back to life as a zombie. But rather than being a brainless flesh eating machine, he becomes the main comic relief of the film since at first he still thinks he’s human, and it takes some dramatic convincing on Dylan’s part— such as shooting Marcus in the chest and letting him realize he’s still alive— to finally convince Marcus that he’s a zombie. Marcus retains his human consciousness and continues to provide comic moments throughout the movie as he deals with his zombie state.

So, Dylan must find the “heart” as well as the person/monster responsible for the murders, while doing his best to keep the peace between vampires, werewolves, zombies, and humans.

As you can tell, DYLAN DOG is not going to win any awards for realistic fiction. It’s WAY out there, and from the get-go you have to suspend disbelief with this one in a big way. As much as I like monster movies and tales of the supernatural, I prefer my stories based on truth, or at least handled in such a way that I believe in what’s going on. I didn’t believe in anything I saw in the world of DYLAN DOG. It didn’t resonate with me at all, and I felt like I was watching a kid’s movie.

I will say that the monsters looked pretty cool, especially the giant zombie creature which appears midway through the film. By far, he was the best looking creature in the movie. I also enjoyed the devil monster which shows up at the end of the movie, but he’s in it much too briefly. These two creatures were a step above the usual CGI fare we so often see in today’s movies.

I also liked the way the werewolves looked in this one, but the problem here was, we don’t see the werewolves all that much. The same can be said for the vampires. They’re not in the movie much either. I mean, there are plenty of vampire and werewolf characters in the movie, but they spend most of their time being civil talking to Dylan Dog.

The best part of DYLAN DOG was Dylan’s sidekick Marcus, played by Sam Huntington. Marcus was clearly the best-written role in a story that had most of its characters underwritten. He gets the most laughs as the newly undead zombie, and most of the gags in the movie revolve around him, such as when they go to the “body shop” to replace his severed arm.

Huntington delivers a very good performance as Marcus. He also starred with Brandon Routh in SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006), where he played Jimmy Olsen. Marcus’s scenes reminded me a lot of the scenes with Griffin Dunne in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981) but Dunne’s scenes were much darker, the humor more biting, and all in all they were just better. Marcus is funny here, but his scenes are watered down compared to the greater comic scenes Dunne enjoyed in AMERICAN WEREWOLF. Also, it didn’t help that most of Marcus’s funny bits were shown in the trailers.

(There is a knock at the door. GRIFFIN DUNNE in undead make-up steps into the office.)

DUNNE: I’m looking for an American werewolf in London. Could you help me?

MA: Have you tried London?

DUNNE: Good one. I’ve been there, done that.

MA: Well, I’m reviewing a movie right now. Come back in about an hour, and I’ll see what I can do.

DUNNE: Sure. What are you reviewing?

MA: DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT. You should see it. You might like it.

DUNNE: See it? I’m living it! And it’s no picnic, let me tell you! Being dead sucks! It’s all so boring! Well, I’ll let you get back to your movie. See you in an hour. (EXITS)

MA: Funny guy. Too bad he didn’t write DYLAN DOG.

No, that honor goes to Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, who wrote the mediocre screenplay. The humor just isn’t that sharp, and there are zero scares and no suspense, which really hurts the film. It sorely needed some intensity to keep the audience awake.

The story is so convoluted it’s too much to swallow and believe. It presents a world full of vampires, werewolves, and zombies, who for the most part are pretty nice folks, and so the story plays out like a plot from an old Saturday morning cartoon. Now, DYLAN DOG is based on an Italian comic book, one I haven’t read, but I’d wager to guess that it’s not the most adult comic. The story here really needed to have an edge, both to its comedy and its horror. Never for one moment did I ever believe that Dylan and his friends were in any kind of danger. It plays as safe as a Scooby Doo cartoon.

DYLAN DOG was directed by Kevin Munroe, and he doesn’t do much to distinguish himself here. While the film looks good, there aren’t any memorable scenes or battle sequences. The fight scenes are all pretty standard and ordinary. It’s nothing that needs to be seen on the big screen.

The acting runs hot and cold, and it starts with the lead, Brandon Routh as Dylan Dog. Sometimes, I found myself enjoying his performance, and other times I found him dull and boring. Frankly, I expected more from Routh. He wasn’t funny, and he wasn’t tough. In short, he wasn’t much of a private eye.

The answers come to him so easily, the mystery could have been solved by Huckleberry Hound. A typical moment would have Dylan saying in his voice-over narration, “I wanted to check out the warehouse,” and then as he enters the building his voice-over says something like “I got lucky. The body was on the floor.” There’s no difficulty, no conflict, and ultimately, no excitement.

As I already said, Sam Huntington delivered the best performance in the movie as Marcus, the newly undead zombie. At least he’s funny and likeable.

Anita Briem as the femme fatale Elizabeth certainly looked good—.

(MAX howls)

MA: Max liked her, but her performance was rather wooden. She wasn’t passionate at all, and this seemed odd for a woman whose father had been murdered. In many of her scenes with Dylan, you could have substituted a beautiful mannequin for her, and it would have been just as effective.

Taye Diggs made for a cool vampire baddie, Vargas, but he acted more like a bad guy in an action movie than an evil vampire, so he wasn’t as memorable as he could have been.

The rest of the cast was just OK.

There were some creative bits worth mentioning. I liked the idea of marketing the vampire blood in little vials so people could use it to get a “vampire high.” That was one idea that had some semblance of truth behind it. I could easily see people wanting to do this, since we’re such a drug dependent culture. I also liked the various weapons at Dylan’s disposal, such as wooden bullets for the vampires and silver knuckles for the werewolves.

DYLAN DOG provides mild entertainment. There’s simply too much to swallow to buy into this story completely, and there’s not enough biting humor, scary moments, suspenseful scenes, or exciting bits of action to make this movie work at a higher level.

As a result, it’s one mediocre movie. I give it two knives.

(MAX barks once)

MA: And Max gives it one knife.

(MAX barks again)

MA: I’m sorry. Max gives it one bone. Well, that about wraps things up. How about we go for that walk, Max?

(MAX barks.)

MA: And pick up a few beers? Has LL been taking you for walks again when I’m not around? Actually, that’s not such a bad idea. Well, folks, we’ll see you next week with a review of another new movie.

Until then, have a doggone good week!

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda

Michael Arruda gives DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT – 2 knives!

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