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Cinema Knife Fight Presents: THE WORST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Ghosts!, LL Soares Reviews, Michael Arruda Reviews, Vampires, Werewolves, Worst-Of lists with tags , , , , , , on January 3, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:  WORST OF 2011
By MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES

(THE SCENE:  A majestic movie theater, filled with well-dressed guests.  MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES sit on the stage in front of the movie screen.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome back to the second half of our end of the year column.  Last time out, L.L. and I gave you our picks for the TOP 5 BEST FILMS of 2011.  Now it’s time for us to unleash our picks for the WORST 5 MOVIES OF 2011.

L.L. SOARES:  For the BEST OF column, our audience was filled with personalities from the movies we saw, all hoping for a chance to be selected as one of the year’s best.  Let’s see how many brave souls have stuck with us now that we’re uncovering the stinkers of the year.

(Camera pans over audience, which is still filled to capacity, and includes superheroes, apes, aliens, vampires, cowboys, assassins, and Daniel Craig, busy having a 3-way conversation with a Goth girl with a tattoo, some cowboys and aliens, and some ghosts.)

LS:  Still packed?  These guys are braver than I thought.

MA:  I think that giant cannon you have aimed at the exit has something to do with it.

LS:  You think?

MA:  Let’s get this party started.  You went first last time, so I’ll go first this time.  Again, tonight we’re looking at our picks for the TOP 5 WORST MOVIES OF 2011.  My pick for Number 5 is—(reaches into his jacket and begins to pull out an envelope.  An arrow flies by his head, piercing the screen behind him.  MA  puts the envelope back into his jacket.)

DYLAN DOG:  DEAD OF NIGHT.  This was one weird movie, an attempt to bring horror and comedy together that just didn’t work.  Based on an Italian comic book, this bizarre tale of a private detective, played by Brandon Routh, who makes it his business to keep the peace among the city’s warring population of vampires and werewolves, wasn’t funny enough to be a successful comedy, not quirky enough to be campy, and it wasn’t scary at all.  Plus it told a far-fetched story that was hard to swallow.

I also hated the title, as it makes the movie sound like a kid’s cartoon.  Coming up next:  DYLAN DOG AND SCOOBY DOO MEET THE SPACE GHOST!  Gag!

Granted, I didn’t hate this movie, but it was so mediocre, mild, and underwhelming, there’s no way I could keep it off this list.

LS:  Well, I can’t chime in here, because I didn’t see this one. Although I did hear it was pretty bad. Thanks for confirming that – so I don’t have to see it.

My Number 5 pick for Worst Movie of 2011 is PRIEST. I had to sit through the trailer like 14 times (I think the movie’s release date was delayed a few times). The trailer showed us the entire story. So, by the time I saw the movie, I already felt like I’d seen it 15 times already!  And every single time —it sucked. In a future where the Vatican has taken over the world, vampires are the big threat that church-trained assassins have to take down. Based on an anime. Sponsored by Ambien. I can’t tell you how excruciating this was to sit through. Easily one of the most boring movies of 2011. I just didn’t care about any of the characters at all.

MA:  I’m with you.  In fact, I think I disliked PRIEST  more than you did, since it’s a little closer to Stinker Number 1 on my list.  So, I’ll comment more on this one in a bit.

LS:  My Number 4 pick is THE ROOMMATE. Take Barbette Schroeder’s SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, cast it with younger girls and have it take place on a college campus—oh yeah, and make it as dumb as possible—stir briskly, and you have this awful, cliché attempt at a horror movie, starring TV actresses Leighton Meester from GOSSIP GIRL and Minka Kelly from the short-lived CHARLIE’S ANGELS reboot. I heard that director Christian E. Christiansen was deported back to Denmark after he made this one. (just kidding). But man, it was awful.

MA:  This one didn’t bug me as much as it bugged you.  I remember it being more mediocre than awful.  I also remember liking the acting in this one, especially the two leads, Meester and Kelly.  While you hated THE ROOMMATE, I just found it VERY average.

It narrowly missed the cut for my TOP 10 Worst Movies of 2011.

My pick for Number 4 is DREAM HOUSE starring Daniel Craig.  Craig has had a notable year.  We saw him in three movies this year, and all of them made our lists.  COWBOYS AND ALIENS made my Top 5 Best Movies List, and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO made your Top 5 Best Movies List.  But with DREAM HOUSE, he hits rock bottom.  To be fair, Craig is fine in this movie, so it’s not him.  It’s everything else.

LS: Yeah, right.

MA: Of course, the most notorious thing about DREAM HOUSE was its trailer, which gave away a major plot twist!  This twist takes place about half-way through the movie, and since I knew about it beforehand, the first half of this movie was a complete waste of time.  Nice going guys!  Way to go!  Give away the film’s major plot twist before the audience sees the movie!

But even without this spoiler, the film is pretty lame.   Craig plays a writer who quits his position at a publishing house to write a novel and in so doing spend more time with his family.  Of course, family time becomes spooky time as they seem to be visited by ghosts, but there’s a twist (which those of us who saw the trailer already knew), and what Craig learns horrifies him and changes the plot’s direction, as he seeks out not a ghost but a murderer who’s very much alive.

DREAM HOUSE is supposed to be a haunted house/ghost story, but the ghostly elements are all peripheral at best.  It eventually becomes more of a psychological thriller, but it fails here too because it’s not very thrilling.  David Loucka’s weak screenplay is eventually done in by an even more ridiculous and extremely convoluted ending.

DREAM HOUSE is a complete fail.  I didn’t like it at all.

LS:  Well, I have to agree with you there, except I hated it even more than you did. DREAM HOUSE was Number 2 on my list. So I’ll get to it later.

MA:  Number  3 on my list for Worst Movies of 2011 is the awful thriller PRIEST, which you already talked about, since it was Number  5 on your list.

I can sum up what’s wrong with this one just by reviewing its plot.  PRIEST takes place in an alternate world where vampires and humans have battled for centuries, but the humans have finally won the battle because they have a secret weapon: warrior priests.   Nuff said.  Actually, the story goes on as the vampires kidnap the niece of the most famous priest warrior, and he of course must rescue her.  Blah, blah, blah.

PRIEST has a horrible story, unexciting visuals, no character development, and the icing on the cake?  It was in 3D.

PRIEST was one of the more forgettable movies of the year.  In fact, I’ve already forgotten about it.  You should too.

LS:   Dammit, I forgot that PRIEST was in 3D, so we had to even pay extra money to be bored to death!! Yeah, this one smelled so bad the projectionist had to wear a gas mask.

My Number 3 pick is a movie I was excited to see beforehand. And it was a complete letdown. I’m talking about PAUL. I was actually looking forward to this one. It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the stars of such great indie comedies as SHAUN OF THE DEAD and HOT FUZZ. Unfortunately Pegg’s co-writer and director on those movies, Edgar Wright, has nothing to do with PAUL. Maybe that’s why it’s so damn awful. This time around, the director is Greg Mottola (who actually directed SUPERBAD and ADVENTURELAND, so he’s not that bad!), and this one is a big mis-step for everyone involved. Pegg and Frost play two sci-fi nerds who pick up an escaped alien in their RV in the middle of the desert. The creature, named Paul, has the voice of Seth Rogan and looks like your typical gray, big-headed Roswell extraterrestrial. In theory, this sounds pretty good, but the movie itself has almost zero laughs, except for Kristen Wiig as a fundamentalist’s daughter who has a hard time accepting that there’s other intelligent life in the universe. But otherwise, you can hear the crickets. Some movies just should never have been made.

MA:  I didn’t see PAUL.  I forget the reason I wasn’t available to review it that weekend, but after reading your negative review, I decided to skip it altogether, or at least save it for a rental.

LS:  My Number 2 pick is a movie you’ve already talked about – DREAM HOUSE. Daniel Craig lives in a house with the ghosts of his wife and daughters. Daniel Craig finds out that he used to be in a sanitarium, but he doesn’t remember it. Daniel Craig finds out everyone thinks that he killed his family. Daniel Craig solves the mystery. Meanwhile—I struggle not to nod off. This movie had a lot of twists and turns, but in the end it all amounted to a big pile of stupid. Easily the worst movie Daniel Craig has made so far.

MA:  I can’t argue with you there.

My pick for the Second Worst Film of 2011, A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS.

As much as I’ve really enjoyed the recent slate of raunchy Rated R comedies to hit the big screen in the past few years, I didn’t like this one.  I have no problem with raunchiness as long as it’s funny, and that was the major problem I had with this movie:  it wasn’t funny.  The gags were vulgar and raunchy, but they weren’t making me laugh, and I guess the point I’m making is it wasn’t because they were vulgar and raunchy; it was because the comedy just wasn’t sharp.

I know they were going for the Cheech and Chong-style humor here, but there were far too many drug references.  Again, it’s not the fact that it was a drug reference.  It was that it wasn’t funny.  They did the same thing with male genitalia.  Every joke either ended as a drug reference or a male genitalia reference.  Can’t make this joke work?  Hmm.  Let’s just end it with a line about getting high, or have someone say something like “Hey, is that your dick?”  Lowest common denominator, bottom of the barrel writing.

And it was in 3D no less.  Ugh!  A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS makes coal in a stocking look pretty good!

LS:  I liked the very first HAROLD AND KUMAR movie. I didn’t see the second one. And I’m sorry I saw this one. I actually like the characters, but you’re right, this one was not funny. I think I laughed twice. And the preachy “these stoners need to grow up and be responsible adults” storyline just bored the hell out of me. I don’t see a HAROLD AND KUMAR movie to see responsible adults. I see it because I want to laugh. But their 3D CHRISTMAS movie didn’t make me laugh enough.

Well, on to my Number 1 pick. And it is THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1.  I know this is an obvious choice—but it really was the worst movie I saw in 2011. With no real plot (except Bella gets married, Bella gets pregnant, Bella has a baby) to speak of. Boring doesn’t begin to describe this one. And it’s so bad they had to cut it into two parts, so we’re not even done with the TWILIGHT series yet. NOOOOOOO! I was just surprised it wasn’t in 3D.

MA:  My pick for the WORST MOVIE of 2011?  No surprise, it’s also THE TWILIGHT  SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1.

If I could just shriek right now, that would just about cover my feelings, both towards this movie and the entire series.  And as you said, it’s not done yet!  We have one more of these turkeys due out in 2012!  Someone stop the madness! 

I haven’t liked any of the TWILIGHT movies, but I may have hated this one most of all.  First off, what an awful title! It takes longer to say the title than to summarize its plot!  Moody girl marries bland vampire, pregnancy troubles follow.  There you go folks. Let’s move on to Part 2 and hope we can add the tag line, “and everybody dies.”  That would be a satisfactory ending.

LS: The ONLY satisfactory ending. Except, since most of the characters are vampires, dying wouldn’t get rid of them.

MA: THE TWILIGHT  SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1 was yet another awful entry in probably the most boring movie series I’ve ever watched in my life.  The first third of this movie is simply a wedding.  Then it moves on to Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon—can you stand all this excitement? —and then it finishes with Bella’s life being in danger due to complications arising from her supernatural pregnancy.

There are too many things wrong with this movie (and this series) to talk about here, but I’ll just summarize them all by saying none of the other movies on my list today even come close to the dread inspired by this horrid waste of film.  I know these movies appeal to a very specific niche, and that’s fine, but would it be too much to ask to offer  something— some spark of creativity, humor, horror, anything!— to make it palatable to those of us outside this niche?  Because as these movies stand now, they offer nothing to the general audience of moviegoers, other than an-after viewing headache due to overwhelming boredom.

I’d rather sit through Breaking Wind than BREAKING DAWN.

LS:  Well, at least we agreed on the Worst Movie of 2011. You know there are a lot of bad movies in a year when SCREAM 4 comes out, and it doesn’t make my Top 5 of the worst movies.

MA:  How true that is!  I really thought I’d see SCREAM 4 on your Top 5 list.  It was Number 7 on my list.

LS: It was Number 6 on mine.

MA: Well, that wraps up another year of movies here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.  With the exception of the movies we discussed today, I’d say that, all in all, 2011 was a very good year for movies.

LS:  Well, as usual, I had a Top 10 of Worst films, rather than a Top 5. So there were a lot more bad movies than just these. But I’ll list the rest of mine in a separate column .

MA:  Yeah, I had more than five on my WORST list too, but I also had a whole bunch of movies that I really liked, close to 20, on my BEST OF list.  That’s more than usual for me, which is why I said it was a good year for movies.

MA: Thanks everybody for joining us.  We’ll see you in 2012!

(The cannon explodes, blowing a huge hole through the exit doors.)

MA (to LS):  What did you do that for?

LS:  I just wanted to get the New Year started with a bang!

MA:  Okie-dokie.  Well, folks, there you have it.  Another explosive ending to a CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT column.

(Everyone in the room runs screaming through the hole to get away)

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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CKF COMING ATTRACTIONS FOR DECEMBER 2011

Posted in 2011, Aliens, Coming Attractions, Mystery, Period Pieces, Psycho killer, Remakes, Sherlock Holmes, Spy Films, Vampire Movies with tags , , , , , , on December 2, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
DECEMBER 2011
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: The Circus. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES walk by cages of lions, tigers, gorillas, and other wild animals.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: So here we are— attending your family reunion.

L.L. SOARES: Very funny. Nah. It’s feeding time, and I’ve signed on to feed the animals.

MA: Really? What are you feeding them?

LS (takes out salt and pepper shakers and shakes them over MA’s head): You.

MA: Ha ha. Good one!

LS: I’m dead serious.

MA: Well, lucky for me, we’re not at a normal circus. This here is a vampire circus! (Caged animals suddenly sprout fangs and start sipping blood from liquid dispensers mounted on the sides of their cages.)

LS: Who knew!

MA: And we’re here at this bloodsucker’s circus because the first weekend of December, there isn’t anything of note opening at the theaters, so we’ll be treating our readers to a DVD review, of the weird Hammer Films movie, VAMPIRE CIRCUS (1972).

VAMPIRE CIRCUS is one of the stranger Hammer vampire movies, made at a time when it seemed Hammer was releasing multiple vampire movies each year. It’s also one of Hammer’s more erotic vampire films, if I remember correctly. I’ll be looking forward to taking another look at it.

There’s not a lot of star power involved with this one. No Peter Cushing or Christopher Lee on hand, but the director, Robert Young, is still actively making movies today.

LS: I remember seeing stills of this one as a kid in old issues of FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND magazine, and really wanting to see it. I eventually did, but it’s been awhile. And Synapse Films put out a very nice Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack a year or so ago. This will be a good one to revisit, for old time’s sakes.

MA: Yes, VAMPIRE CIRCUS is now available on DVD and Blu-Ray—as well as streaming video—so there are plenty of opportunities to catch this one.

LS: On December 9, we’ll be back at the theater, as we’ll be reviewing TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY (2011). Ahh, a British espionage thriller, with the talented Gary Oldman as George Smiley. I’m not a big fan of spy movies, but this one sounds interesting.

MA: Yeah, this one looks like a neat Cold War spy thriller, and I’m really looking forward to it, even though I have to admit, I don’t like the title at all. Sounds like a bad nursery rhyme.

LS: You don’t like the title? It’s based on the classic novel by John le Carre!

MA: Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy, stuck his thumb inside a pie.  Awful.

But I almost always enjoy Gary Oldman. Plus the stellar cast also includes John Hurt, Colin Firth (THE KING’S SPEECH, 2010), Toby Jones, and Mark Strong (KICK-ASS, 2010). With a cast like this, I’m expecting a lot.

It’s directed by Tomas Alfredson, who directed LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008), with a screenplay by Peter Straughan and Bridget O’Connor, based on the le Carre novel of the same name.

All in all, I have some high expectations for this one.

On the other hand, on December 16, I’ll be reviewing the Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes sequel, SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (2011). While I really enjoyed SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009) and bought into the Downey Jr. interpretation of an action- oriented Holmes, I can’t say that I have high hopes for the sequel.

LS: Me neither, which is why I’m not reviewing this one. You’re on your own buddy!

MA: Gee, thanks.

LS: Actually, I didn’t see the first one so I’m not all that interested in this one. Although it was cool to see in the trailer that Noomi Rapace will have a major role in it. Noomi played Lisbeth Salander in the original Swedish film version of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009).

MA: Again, I liked the first one. I thought Robert Downey Jr. made for a fun Sherlock Holmes, as he brought along his Tony Stark/Iron Man pizzazz to the role, and he shared good camaraderie with Jude Law’s Dr. Watson. The two actors generated some neat chemistry together.

But SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS is a sequel, and most sequels just don’t compare to the original. I’ve seen the trailer for this about a million times and feel I’ve seen the entire movie already, so that hasn’t helped, and since it’s a sequel, it probably means there will be more action, more subplots, and fewer things that make sense. While I’m not dreading this one, I don’t expect it to be all that good.

Guy Ritchie’s directing it, and he directed the first one, and it’s written by Michele Mulroney and Kieran Mulroney, two newcomers who did not write the first one.

LS: On December 21, we’ll be reviewing THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011). What a funny coincidence, since the star of the original film is in the new Sherlock Holmes movie. I have seen all three of the Swedish films based on the books by Stieg Larsson, and enjoyed them a lot, but I guess an American version of the series was inevitable. Since David Fincher is directing this one, I am very curious to see how it turns out. Fincher has given us everything from SEVEN (1995), to FIGHT CLUB (1999), to THE SOCIAL NETWORK (2010). My first reaction is to say that since the Swedish films are so good, there’s no need for an American remake, but if anyone can bring something new and interesting to this movie, it’s Fincher.

MA: I’m looking forward to this one. I’ve enjoyed all the trailers I’ve seen for it, as it looks like it’s going to be a very stylish mystery thriller. I haven’t seen the Swedish version, so this one will be fresh for me.

Steven Zaillian wrote the screenplay, and he has a bunch of screenwriting credits, including the Steven Spielberg classic SCHINDLER’S LIST (1993). It also has a great cast, led by Daniel Craig, and also features Stellan Skaarsgard and Christopher Plummer.

LS: And don’t forget Rooney Mara, who will be taking over the role of Lisbeth Salander!

And just in time for Christmas, I’ll be reviewing the new horror sci-fi movie THE DARKEST HOUR (2011). This is the closest thing to a horror movie that’s coming out in December, so I’m looking forward to it. Invisible aliens attack the Earth for our energy and are able to smash humans to atoms if they get too close. How do you fight such an adversary? I guess we’ll find out.

MA: Since this one is opening at Christmas, I won’t be available to see it, and I can’t say that I’m feeling too bad about it. It looks like yet another alien invasion story. Frankly, I’m tired of this plot, as there have been a lot of these tales on the big screen the past couple of years.

So, that wraps up December. Also, as the year winds down, look for our annual BEST OF and WORST OF columns on our picks for the best and worst movies of 2011.

LS: Have a good weekend everyone, and we’ll see you soon with our review of VAMPIRE CIRCUS. Speaking of which (turns to MA). What blood type are you?

MA: Why?

LS: Just wondering. Just in case someone I know is a picky eater.

(Behind MA a giant gorilla with massive fangs sticking out of its mouth looms in the shadows).

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Just Plain Bad, Sequels, Twilight Saga, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , on November 21, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 (2011)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares


(THE SCENE: A clearing in the forest, richly decorated for a wedding party. As a young bride and groom prepare to exchange vows before their adoring guests, which include family members, vampires and werewolves, a twin-engine plane flies by low overhead. Inside the plane are MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES. )

(MA hurls tomatoes down at the crowd, while LS fires coconuts at them. Amidst the gasps and screams, they spot a film crew and take particular care to pelt the movie makers.)

MA (shrieking): STOP MAKING THESE MOVIES!!

LS (shouting crazily): DIE! YOU SICK BASTARDS! (Bonks the director on the head with a large coconut.)

(DISSOLVE to a tropical island setting. On a beautiful picturesque beach, an elegant beach house awaits the bride and groom. A banner flies overhead which reads “Welcome Vampire Lovers! Werewolves please check your shirts at the door.”)

(The twin engine plane has landed on the beach. LS approaches the beach house alone.)

LS: Hey, Michael! Where the hell are you? One second he’s with me, and the next he’s gone! He sure is acting weird today. I’ve never seen him this upset. I know he didn’t want to review this new TWILIGHT movie, but he better have not chickened out on me. I don’t feel like doing this review alone.

(The door to the beach house is open, and LS enters.)

LS: Michael? You in here?

(A frying pan flies across the room and plunks LS in the head.)

LS: What the—?

MA (looking crazed): You son of a bitch! This is all your fault!

LS: Calm down! (looks at bent frying pan) Now look what you did. You ruined a perfectly good frying pan!

MA: “Let’s review BREAKING DAWN,” you said! “We owe it to our readers,” you said!

LS: It’s true!

MA: I don’t care! I hate these movies and never want to see another one again! You bastard! (Fires a giant spatula at LS, who ducks out of the way.)

LS: Hey! This is good kitchen equipment you’re ruining!

MA: Too bad! I want you to say it!

LS: Say what?

MA: That we’re never seeing another TWILIGHT movie again.

LS: I can’t say that. Besides, there’s only one more. (A ladle flies past LS’s head and crashes through a window.) You know I’m right. You just need to calm down and start thinking with a clear head. (Three giant onions whiz through the air towards LS. He catches one and starts eating it like an apple.) Brings tears to my eyes. Look, the sooner we finish this review, the sooner we don’t have to talk about it anymore. Want me to start? Would that help?

MA: NO! I’m starting. I’m gonna make this as quick as possible. I’m not wasting any more of our time on this crap.

LS: Take a deep breath and settle yourself down. Here, want an onion?

MA: NO, I DON’T WANT AN ONION! (takes a deep breath) As you can see, I’m crying already. (takes another deep breath)

Okay, I can do this. I’m ready.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 is—first of all, what a ridiculous title! Who calls a movie a saga? Really, imagine if George Lucas had done the same: THE STAR WARS SAGA: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK – EPISODE 5 PART 1 SEGMENT 2 STARS 4. Idiocy!

Anyway, this latest installment of the TWILIGHT SAGA, as you would expect, picks up where the last one left off. Bella (Kristin Stewart) and vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) are getting married, so the first third of this movie is—the wedding. Now, doesn’t that sound exciting?

LS (snoring and suddenly wakes up): Wha? What? I swear I wasn’t sleeping!

MA: At the very least, jilted werewolf lover Jacob (Taylor Lautner) —who, by the way, wastes no time taking his shirt off, as it is ripped off within the first few seconds of this movie!—could show up to wreak some jealous havoc, but we can’t even have that. No, the ever-so-noble Edward actually arranges for his arrival as a surprise for his sweetheart Bella. Can I vomit now?

LS (vomits into a bucket): Okay, now you can have it (Hands MA the bucket)

Yeah, in the very first scene Jacob runs out of the house, rips off his shirt and turns into a giant lame-ass CGI wolf, running into the woods. Why is he so upset? Because he got an in invitation to Bella’s wedding! He’s lost her forever! Boo hoo! But when he pulls off his shirt, all the tweeners in the audience screamed. Let’s face it; this guy doesn’t have to be able to act. What he does isn’t acting, it’s undressing.

And yeah, you’d think from this first scene that he’s all angry about the wedding, but he still gladly shows up at the wedding reception as Edward’s secret “wedding gift” for Bella. Jacob and Bella even dance together in the woods, as Edward looks on.

How friggin stupid!

MA: After the wedding, as logic dictates, it’s time for the honeymoon, on a tropical island much like this one, so the second third of the movie is—the honeymoon. How’s that for excitement? Still with me folks? I thought I might have lost you since this is such thrilling stuff.

LS (reading a book): What? Are you still doing the review?

MA: Now for the fun part (Not really….The fun part was when I ran out of the theater screaming as soon as the end credits began to roll.) Bella strangely becomes pregnant, and immediately starts “showing”—which, of course, isn’t possible because they just consummated their marriage like a second ago—but it turns out the pregnancy is very “wrong,” as they somehow know that Bella is carrying a strange baby, even though they haven’t taken her to see a doctor.

LS: I have never seen a series that is more anti-sex than the TWILIGHT SAGA. Up until now, Edward refuses to have sex with Bella because he’s afraid he’ll hurt or kill her, because he’s this big strong vampire and she’s a fragile little human. So what happens on the first night of their honeymoon? They have sex. Why couldn’t they have done this before? Edward promises to be as gentle as he can, and the house gets trashed in the process—wow, what a passionate lover! (LS yawns) —yet Bella isn’t harmed or killed. So I guess all of the teasing the series has done up to this point was complete crap.

But there has to be a reason why sex is still bad, so Bella gets suddenly pregnant with a monster baby that is eating up all the nutrients in her body and making her sicker and sicker, and supposedly they barely did it! To have full-on, complete sex, they have to both be vampires. So even a tiny bit of sex is enough to ruin Bella’s life! Maybe she should have really considered becoming a nun!

But they are both soooooo in love!

I have never seen characters like this before. The scariest thing in all of the TWILIGHT movies isn’t vampires or werewolves. It’s sex! These movies seriously need to grow up.

MA: Suddenly, Bella’s life is in danger, and so all of Edward’s vampire family—and Jacob and his werewolf buddies—rush to her aid for the final third of the movie, where Bella is sick in bed while the world waits on her hand and foot.

I think I’ll throw up now.

LS: Again? Please turn your head. These are new shoes.

But you didn’t mention that the werewolves aren’t really there to help or protect Bella (except for Jacob and two of his dopey sidekicks). The rest of the werewolves are hanging around because they’re there to kill Bella and her unborn child. Why?

It’s some kind of violation of the treaty between vampires and werewolves for Bella to have a hybrid baby, or some such garbage.

MA:  And that’s why I didn’t mention it.  Because I would have had to say the words “vampire/werewolf treaty.”

LS:  I never fully understood why they couldn’t just leave her alone. They’re supposed to try to prevent her from having the child—but the Cullen clan and Jacob protect her—and then, once the child is born, they’re supposed to kill it. Why don’t they just go back to playing football without their shirts? I never saw such stupid werewolves in my life. Why do they even care?

MA: This movie is so bad and so stupid I’m really having a difficult time even standing here talking about it, because, really, there’s nothing more to say than it sucks and don’t waste your time or money.

But if you really want to know what’s wrong with it, read on.

There’s not a single character I like in this series. They’re all incredibly shallow and boring. And Edward’s vampire family has got to be the saddest vampire clan in movie history. First off, their make-up is ridiculous. They’re all pale with incredibly bad haircuts, they look like vampires. How is it possible that nobody in the “real world” of this movie knows they’re vampires? Of course, the werewolves have no problem knowing who’s a vampire and who isn’t, meaning the humans in this series must be incredibly stupid.

LS: That goes without saying. All of the human characters (like Bella’s friends and family) are mostly around to act dumb and provide comic relief.

But you’re right—the vampire are so obviously vampires with their incredibly pale skin which just looks like clown make-up. They’re just stupid-looking. Oh yeah, and red contact lenses when they’re angry. Spoooky! Oh, and they carry around big heavy things like they’re superheroes. Wow.

At least I don’t see them “sparkling” in the sunlight anymore. I guess they forgot about that in this installment of the saga.

As far as there not being one single good character in the series, I disagree. I still like Jessica Cullen (Anna Kendrick), only because I think Kendrick is the cutest chick in the movie, and she can actually act (although she isn’t given much chance to do that). I have no desire to talk about any of the other characters, though, because they’re all pretty boring.

MA: Bella, Edward, and Jacob have to be the dullest love triangle in film history. They wouldn’t know passion if it came up and bit them in the ass. I’d believe The Three Tenors had fallen in love before I buy the feelings of these three!

These three characters are about as fleshed out and well-written as three blind mice. The performances don’t help either. Robert Pattinson as Edward is the best of the three, but Edward the vampire is so vanilla-boring he makes Bela Lugosi seem like Hannibal Lector. His “noble character” shtick makes me sick. In a flashback, where we learn more of Edward’s past, we see that he killed and drank blood from murderers only, and even though Bella points out that he probably saved some lives by killing these bad guys, Edward still feels guilty about it. “But they were still human beings!” Hand me another barf bag, please!

LS: All three of these characters are so good and so noble, why don’t they just have a threesome already, since they’re all so loveable? Or better yet, how about some monster hunter finally shows up and puts them out of their misery? God, I hate these characters!

MA: Kristen Stewart, who I believe can act, is just so damn annoying as Bella. Her face seems permanently stuck in a depressed expression. She looks like she needs to spend her days writing brooding accounts in her personal diary. And Taylor Lautner is just plain awful as Jacob the werewolf. As you would expect, the CGI werewolves look just as bad as they have in the previous movies.

LS: Yeah, in this series, werewolves are just giant cartoon wolves. Lamest werewolves ever!

MA: I STILL have no idea why everyone in these movies is so interested in Bella, and frankly, I find it incredibly annoying. This has got to be one of the worst parts of the movie—of the entire series, actually—that there are always hordes of people trying to look out for, or help, Bella. Why? She’s BORING, people! Is she incredibly funny? No. Is she a screw-up who we feel sorry for? No. Is she bold and daring, and a kick-ass heroine who’ll really gives it to someone who’s out to get her? No. What is she then? Someone who needs to be taken care of by the dashing princes in her life (CUE: “Awww.”) She’d be annoying even in real life, but it’s even worse that it’s a movie, since movies are supposed to entertain us.

Bella’s so damn boring.

LS: You’ll get no argument from me. I hate all three of them. Another big problem with this movie is that it has no real villains. No outside characters come in and are clear-cut bad guys. Unless you consider Bella’s monster baby – but even that isn’t a villain, it’s just a vampire baby trying to stay alive in a puny human’s inadequate womb. When it’s born (at this point, I couldn’t care less about spoilers—this movie doesn’t deserve it), it’s so cute and sweet, you wonder why anyone would be afraid of it at all. So all of the “conflicts” here are pretty much meaningless: the werewolves want to kill Bella and her baby for reasons that are completely idiotic and contrived; the vampires and Jacob stand their ground; and any actual fighting is kept to a minimum.

The only real tension revolves around whether Bella should keep the baby or not: Edward wants to get rid of the baby because he knows its birth could kill Bella—who he has finally married and loves so much—while Bella refuses to do anything to harm the baby. This argument is more passionate than anything else in this dull movie.

Frankly, I wish someone would just get rid of the lot of them!

Oh yeah, and the big “shocking” final scene is one anyone could see a mile away. You don’t have to have read the books to figure this one out, especially since there’s a PART 2 still to come out. So much for any semblance of suspense.

MA: So, make sure you thank screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, who’s written the screenplays for all of the TWILIGHT movies, novelist Stephanie Meyer who wrote the books which these movies are based on, and director Bill Condon—give them all a nice big “thank you” by NOT seeing this movie.

Yeah, I know. It’s not going to happen. I’m sure the movie sold out across the nation this weekend. I know the three showings at my local theater the day I went were all sold out, and there wasn’t an empty seat in the theater I was at.

LS: Yeah, I went to see it early in the afternoon and the evening showings were all sold out already. And the showing I saw was packed to the gills. The TWILIGHT movies will be a money-making juggernaut til the very end. And I still have no clue why anyone can eat this stuff up without getting food poisoning.

MA: Because they’re hardcore fans of the series.

For the rest of us, stay away from this bland nonsense! I give THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1— ZERO KNIVES and rank it as one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year.

LS: I keep seeing these movies and think “This can’t get any worse.” But I swear—each movie is worse than the one before it—and this one is the worst one yet. It pretty much has no story to it. It’s just a wedding, a honeymoon, and a (difficult) birth, involving characters I can’t stand. I had to force myself to stay awake at times, because it’s also too long. I wish there were more ways to explain just how horrible this movie is. But words fail me.

So I give THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 a rating of negative 1 knife. Yes, NEGATIVE. As in, they owe me a knife for sitting through this sludge. I can only imagine how much more horrible PART 2 will be.

MA: I’ll save you the trouble.  It’s going to suck.  So, why don’t we just agree now to skip it?

LS:  That would be unfair to our readers who enjoy what we have to say about these films.  (to audience) I have to admit the real reason we see these films is the joy I get  knowing Michael has to sit through them. But then again, so do I!

(To MA): We better get out of here before the “vampire lovers” arrive.  Let’s just go to a bar and wash the memory of it from our minds.

MA: That’s the best thing you’ve said all day.

LS:  I thought “Die! You sick bastards!” was pretty good.

See you next time folks. Anything we review next week has to look terrific after this pile of dung.

END

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ~ zero knives!

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LL Soares gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ~ negative 1 knife!

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The Geisha of Gore Takes On HELLSING!

Posted in 2011, Anime, Asian Horror, Colleen Wanglund Reviews, Geisha of Gore Reviews, Gore!, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2011 by knifefighter

HELLSING
A Geisha of Gore Anime Review by Colleen Wanglund

I love Asian horror films, but I also love Japanese anime in its various genres. Not all of it, but a lot of it. Some anime, which in a lot of instances is based on manga (Japanese comic books) is geared for young kids. And then there is the anime that is targeted to ‘tween girls. Even some of the action anime, while containing copious amounts of blood and violence, still have some very childish sequences and has caused much eye-rolling while viewing. HELLSING however, is a horror anime that is for older teens and adults.

Based on a manga of the same name by Kouta Hirano, HELLSING takes place in modern-day London where the Hellsing Organization’s mission is to rid the world of non-humans, or vampires. Centered around the Holy Order of Protestant Knights, they defend Queen and Country from the undead. The secret government organization is led by 22-year-old Integra Hellsing who inherited it from her father upon his death. Integra is a strong young woman, especially in her convictions, even when faced with her possible death and temptation. She is also the last of the Hellsing line.

In the first episode we are introduced to Alucard, the Hellsing Organization’s secret weapon. Alucard is sent to the village of Cheddar to kill a vampire posing as a priest. A police special operations unit was originally dispatched to the village but the unit was attacked and there is only one survivor. That lone survivor, Seras Victoria, finds the vampire, but is used as a shield when Alucard shows up. Seras agrees to let Alucard kill her and turn her into a vampire in order to destroy the priest/vampire. Upon Seras Victoria’s transformation, Alucard tells Integra to have her transferred to the Hellsing Organization. Alucard is now Seras’s Master.

Seras Victoria doesn’t quite realize what has happened to her. She knows she is a vampire, but she doesn’t know how powerful she really is. She has refused her daily blood ration, in an attempt to hang onto her humanity. Alucard tells her she must drink the blood or she will continue to get weak. During the third episode of the series Alucard offers Seras his own blood which would effectively set her free from the control of humans, but she chooses not to drink from him. She does eventually drink the medical blood ration she is given.

It is also the third episode that introduces Alexander Anderson, a warrior priest with the Vatican’s Section XIII Iscariot, which is a secret organization whose mission is to destroy all non-humans and heretics. Anderson has the same regenerative abilities and strength as Alucard and is called a Regenerator, although he is human. It is never clearly stated how Anderson came to have these abilities but it is hinted at being either science or divine. There is clearly a potentially deadly rivalry between the Hellsing Organization and Iscariot. Belonging to the Vatican, Iscariot is Roman Catholic, while it is stated that Hellsing is staunchly Protestant, and this creates a surprising religious undercurrent.

HELLSING is only thirteen episodes long and focuses on the Hellsing Organization’s search for who is responsible for creating artificial vampires by implanting a specially engineered chip (called a freak chip). Alucard faces off against the Valentine Brothers, who are artificially created, as they storm Hellsing’s headquarters with an army of ghouls. Ultimately they are no match for the more powerful and very real vampire Alucard and his compatriots in the organization. In the last episode, a final battle occurs between Alucard and a weird-looking vampire called Incognito, who says he was born to destroy. It is during this final battle that blatant hints are made as to who Alucard actually is (although if you haven’t guessed by now…).

The anime is dark and bloody and definitely not for children. There are some very gruesome creatures called ghouls that while made by vampires, actually resemble zombies. The ghouls are mindless and shambling and will eat their prey, as well as take orders from the vampire who created them. The story is a very good one and unlike some other anime series, HELLSING has no filler episodes that wander away from the main story. And while the anti-hero Alucard fights on the side of good, it is only out of an obligation to the Hellsing family that he does so. The main character of the anime is the police woman-turned-vampire Seras. Even though she struggles with her new existence as a vampire, she is loyal to both the organization and Alucard. Did I mention Seras is a redhead? Well, her hair is really orange, but you get the idea. One other very cool character is Walter who is Integra Hellsing’s assistant/bodyguard/butler. Walter’s nickname is The Angel of Death and he can still throw down when necessary, even though he is retired from fighting due to his age.

While an entertaining anime series and one of my favorites, I must point out that HELLSING does not faithfully follow the original manga. The stories are very different and the anime keeps a very narrow focus with its climax involving a character who isn’t even in the original manga–Incognito. Incognito is very powerful and said to come from the “dark continent” which is (usually) a reference to Africa.

 HELLSING is still a very satisfying series to watch because it is quick and to the point. It also has a very cool finale and ties up its story pretty nicely, for the most part. The character development is well-done for such a short series, with most of the important revelations coming in the last few episodes, although there are teasers throughout. I can’t tell you how many anime series I have stopped watching because of endless filler episodes and no actual ending in sight. What is also really cool about this anime series is that it has a more Stoker-esque feel to it, as opposed to the more science fiction feel of other vampire anime such as TRINITY BLOOD or BLOOD+.

If you want a little more meat, you could read the manga, which is more complex, involving the Millennium Group, Hellsing and the Vatican’s Section XIII Iscariot. The Millennium Group is basically a neo-Nazi organization and their purpose involves revenge for something that occurred during World War II. All three organizations come together in a violent apocalyptic battle in London. It is very different from the ending of the anime, BUT the anime still holds up well on its own.

In addition to the anime and manga, there is an OVA (original video animation) series called HELLSING ULTIMATE. The eight OVA episodes are more faithful to the original manga with just a few minor changes. As a matter of fact, the first episode of the OVA follows the manga’s first volume almost exactly. The OVA episodes are also longer than the standard twenty-three minutes of the television anime, although the length does vary from one episode to the other. Unfortunately only seven of the eight OVAs have been translated into English at this point (and I am patiently waiting for Number 8).

HELLSING, the television anime, was produced by Gonzo and brought to the United States and Canada by Texas-based FUNimation Entertainment. It is definitely worth seeking out, as it is one of the best horror anime out there in both story and artwork. It’s also got one hell of a soundtrack composed and performed by Yasushi Ishii.

© Copyright 2011 by Colleen Wanglund

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Pickin’ The Carcass: WOLVESBAYNE (2009)

Posted in 2011, Michael Arruda Reviews, Monsters, Pickin' the Carcass, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , on August 31, 2011 by knifefighter

PICKIN’ THE CARCASS:  WOLVESBAYNE (2009)
By Michael Arruda

 

Welcome to another edition of PICKIN’ THE CARCASS, that column where I scour the juicy horror movie carcass looking for delectable morsels I missed the first time around.

Today’s feature, WOLVESBAYNE (2009), now available on DVD, is about as satisfying as a cookie crumb.

WOLVESBAYNE can be summed up in three words:  vampire –werewolf – feud.  Need I say more?

A realtor named Russell Bayne (Jeremy London), who starts out in the beginning of the movie as a greedy son of a bitch (but then later, when he becomes a werewolf, enjoys an even more stunning transformation into a nice guy), unsuccessfully tries to convince a woman Alex Layton (Christy Romano) to sell her store to him.  How many times have we seen this plot point?  Fortunately this movie doesn’t spend much time on this cliché.  Alex, who says she “sees” things, warns Russell that he’s in danger, and since he’s still in SOB mode at this point, he takes her words as a threat and tells her what she can do with her warning.

Should have listened to Alex, Russell.  Later that night, he’s attacked by a werewolf, and when he himself becomes a werewolf—and a nice guy— Alex decides to help him.  Why?  Well, it turns out that Alex used to be a werewolf, and so she knows that as a werewolf, Russell is now a target of the vampires, who are in the middle of a feud with the werewolves.  The evil leader of the vampires, Von Griem (Mark Dacascos) is hell-bent on resurrecting the ultimate vampire leader, a female vampire named Lilith (Yancy Butler), and to do this he has to collect a bunch of artifacts and other cool items that Indiana Jones would be interested in.  Following this?  There’s more.

To help Russell fight back the vampires, Alex enlists the aid of famed vampire hunter Jacob Van Helsing (Rhett Giles) and his followers.  Just why the vampires are so interested in Russell is never clearly explained, or maybe I was just daydreaming at that point, since this plot was oh-so-compelling!

WOLVESBAYNE is a ridiculously silly and unrealistic movie that is totally unsatisfying as a horror movie, which is too bad, because the film looks good, and the actors do a fairly good job with what they have to work with.

The story is just flat out awful.  Whatever happened to the days when werewolves and vampires were scary?  Since when did they start acting like elves and hobbits?  What’s next?  Vampires and werewolves go to Congress?  Romeo and Juliet as a vampires vs. werewolves story?

Leigh Scott wrote the screenplay, and it’s full of one unrealistic conversation after another.  When the characters interact about normal everyday things, the story works, but as soon as the dialogue shifts to vampire/werewolf feuds, vampire/werewolf treaties and talisman treasures, all bets are off, and it loses me.

Scott also wrote FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005), another film I didn’t like.

If just one person involved in this movie had said, “we want our audience to believe what’s going on in our story,” there’d be hope for this movie.  It’s as if the people who made WOLVESBAYNE assumed people will never believe this so let’s not even go for believability.  Wrong assumption.  The best horror, no matter how outlandish it seems on the surface, must be believed for it to work.

The werewolf make-up here, what little we see of it, isn’t bad, and Russell Bayne’s initial transformation scene is pretty good, but WOLVESBAYNE doesn’t even come close to being a decent werewolf movie.  The werewolves here, especially Bayne, do absolutely nothing.  No Larry Talbot angst, no werewolf ferocity, just a feud with vampires.  Boring.

The acting’s not bad.  Jeremy London is pretty good as main character Russell Bayne, though I don’t understand why it is that he starts out like a jerk, and by the end of the movie he’s a nice leading man.  Maybe turning into a werewolf actually helped his disposition!  London has a “Brendan Fraser” thing going in this movie, though he never matches Fraser’s leading man charisma or physical presence.

London also has the misfortune of saying the most ridiculous line in the whole movie.  When he meets Jacob Van Helsing, he says with a straight face, “Van Helsing?  I’ve heard that name before.”

Christy Romano is actually pretty hot as Alex Layton, and better yet, she’s a pretty good actor and does a nice job with the role.  Mark Dacascos looks good as the evil vampire Von Griem, and his performance is pretty good too, but sadly, he doesn’t get to do all that much in terms of evil vampire stuff.  Yancy Butler as the queen vampire Lilith— Lilith? Didn’t she used to be on FRASIER? —is okay, but she didn’t really make much of an impression.

As famed vampire hunter Jacob Van Helsing, Rhett Giles is good-looking and sufficiently dashing, but his performance is simply standard.  He does have a cool name though.  In fact, Rhett Giles is a much cooler name than Jacob Van Helsing!  Giles has experience playing Van Helsing.  He also played Jacob Van Helsing in DRACULA’S CURSE (2006), and he played Abraham Van Helsing in WAY OF THE VAMPIRE (2005).  Giles also played Dr. Victor Frank in FRANKENSTEIN REBORN (2005), a silly modernization of the Frankenstein tale.

WOLVESBAYNE was directed by Griff Furst, and as silly and forgettable as this movie is, I wouldn’t say it’s because of the director.  The movie looks polished, and some of the scenes are handled well, like the initial attack scene where Bayne is bitten by a werewolf, but so little happens in this movie, and later, when the action involves werewolves feuding with vampires, I just didn’t care.

A weak and ridiculous story is the fatal flaw of WOLVESBAYNE, not the director.

If you like fantasy tales about werewolf gangs fighting vampire gangs, you might find WOLVESBAYNE slightly interesting.  But if you’re like me, and you like werewolf horror movies, WOLVESBAYNE is anything but and should be avoided like wolfs’ bane on a full moon.

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda

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FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

Posted in 2011, 3-D, Cinema Knife Fights, Remakes, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , on August 22, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

 

(THE SCENE: A suburban cookie-cutter neighborhood, with lines of houses all looking the same. A TEENAGER looks out his window with binoculars at the neighboring house. His GIRLFRIEND comes up behind him.)

GIRLFRIEND: Spying on your new neighbors again? Let me guess. You suspect your next door neighbor is a vampire, right?

TEENAGER: No, it’s worse than that! Look! (points)

(Sitting on the step of the front porch of the neighboring house, it’s L.L. SOARES, chewing on a cigar. LS removes cigar from his mouth, looks up at teens, and spits a wad of tobacco juice onto the ground.)

TEENS: Eeeww!!!

LS (looks up at teens in window): Hey, kids, want some candy? (TEENS run away from window).

(MICHAEL ARRUDA exits front door and joins LS on step. He hands him a can of TECATE beer.)

MA: Scaring the neighborhood kids again, I see?

LS: Nothing better to do around here, bub. (Lights cigar)

MA: Well, in that case, why don’t we start our review of today’s movie, FRIGHT NIGHT (2011). The whole reason I rented this house for the weekend was because I thought it would be the perfect location for us to review the movie.

LS: Sucker! This place is expensive. You got ripped off.

MA: You always know the right thing to say.

LS: Don’t I? And where are all the hot girls you promised? You said we were going to have a wild weekend. We get here and all I see is YOU. You could at least put on some make-up and a wig or something.

MA: Errr…I’ll start the review.

FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) is a remake of the 1985 movie FRIGHT NIGHT, starring Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale and Roddy McDowall. I loved the original FRIGHT NIGHT, and it remains one of my favorite horror movies from the 1980s. Because of my fondness for this film, I was not looking forward to the remake.

LS: So you keep saying. I liked the original, but don’t think it was one of the best movies of the 80s. But go on.

MA: It was, and I will go on.

In this one, high schooler Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) is enjoying his life, and why shouldn’t he? He’s got a beautiful girlfriend Amy (Imogen Poots), a cool mom (Toni Collette), lots of friends, and he lives in a nice suburban neighborhood just outside of Las Vegas.

LS: Not to mention, he lives next door to a stripper! How come I haven’t seen any strippers in this neighborhood since we got here? Didn’t you do any due diligence?

MA: Maybe you scared them away.  Did you ever think of that?

LS: I guess that’s possible.

MA: Yes, he lives next door to a stripper. Anyway, Charley loves his life, and so he’s not interested in remaining friends with his goofy, geeky childhood friend Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). When Ed tries to warn Charley that his new neighbor Jerry (Colin Farrell) is a vampire, Charley isn’t interested and accuses Ed of acting like an eight- year-old, delivering the fatal blow to their friendship when he tells Ed that his life got better when he stopped being friends with him. Ouch!

LS: Unfortunately, you can’t blame him. It’s not just that Ed is a geek. He’s also an incredibly annoying geek. I think it would be hard for anyone to be friends with him. He’s played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who I thought was one of the best things in SUPERBAD (2007), when he played McLovin! I thought the storyline where he hung out with the cops was the absolute best part of that movie. But since then, I haven’t been a big fan. I thought he was kind of out of place and annoying in KICK-ASS (2010), a movie where I thought just about everyone else in the cast was terrific. And I didn’t care for him much here, either. He really needs to go back to playing McLovin’ again. That’s the only character he does that I like!

MA:  Oh, I liked him as Red Mist in KICK-ASS a lot.

LS:  Goody for you! In FRIGHT NIGHT, he’s playing Ed, who goes by the nickname “Evil Ed” and who was played much better by Stephen Geoffreys in the original film.

On a side note, a teacher calls out his name during attendance and his full name in the remake is EDWARD LEE. I am not sure if this is on purpose as kind of a shout out to horror writer Ed Lee (one of my favorites), but I thought that was kind of funny.

MA: Jerry is quite the hunk, and Charley’s single mom is very interested in him, which Charley doesn’t mind at first, until Ed disappears, and then Charley’s thinks twice about his friend’s warning. Charley does some snooping and discovers video footage that Ed had taken of Jerry, revealing Jerry’s truck pulling into his driveway—the door opening and closing—but no one is seen getting out of the truck. Ed says that since Jerry doesn’t show up on film, this proves he’s a vampire.

LS: A vampire? Maybe he’s the INVISIBLE MAN!

Actually, that could have been a much better movie….

MA: Charley doesn’t have long to ponder his suspicions, because Jerry makes it quite clear that he is a vampire when, in a fit of anger over not being invited inside, he blows up Charley’s house! Charley, his mom, and Amy flee in their vehicle and are pursued in a high speed chase by the very aggressive Jerry the vampire.

LS; I hated that scene! First off, Jerry tips off that he really is a vampire WAY too early on in this movie. Secondly, the gas explosion stuff is way over the top and an extreme response. I thought it would have been way cooler if Jerry had just played all innocent for a while longer instead of revealing it all so soon.

MA: But that’s what happens in the original film.  I liked the early revelation because it was one of the changes that helped this movie stand on its own.

LS:  Part of the problem with trying to “out” a vampire in the modern world is supposed to be because no one will believe you. It struck me as really dumb of Jerry to not care if everyone knows his secret. For a vampire who supposedly has such a strong survival instinct—you’d think he’d be smarter.

MA: Charley seeks the help of Peter Vincent (David Tennant), a magician/occult expert who is performing in a huge show in Las Vegas. Vincent is more a showman than an expert, and once he realizes Charley is serious, he throws him out of his (super fancy) apartment. However, once Jerry the vampire shows up there, looking for Charley and Amy, and succeeding in abducting Amy, Peter Vincent has a change of heart and agrees to help Charley rescue Amy and destroy the vampire.

LS: Actually, before that abduction happens, it doesn’t hurt that Charley left some photos behind during his first visit that convince Peter Vincent that a vampire really is involved.

It’s funny, in the 80s version, Roddy McDowell’s Peter Vincent was a horror movie host, and I thought he was the best thing in the original FRIGHT NIGHT. But there aren’t any famous horror hosts anymore (except for maybe Elvira, who I hear is making a comeback). I happen to know that there are still plenty of horror hosts around on a more local level—my buddy Penny Dreadful has a great cable access show in Massachusetts—and I’ve got tons of other regional hosts who are friends of mine on Facebook. But I guess horror hosts just aren’t “cool” anymore, at least in Hollywood. So in the new version, Peter Vincent is a Criss Angel-type illusionist…and part-time vampire slayer. It kind of works, and I think David Tennant (a former DR. WHO!) is excellent in the role. But I still think Roddy’s Horror Host version of Peter Vincent was even cooler. McDowell also symbolized old school methods vs. a modern-day vampire —an aspect that is lacking here.

MA: FRIGHT NIGHT tells the same basic story as the original, but enough things have been changed to keep the story fresh, and to my surprise, I liked this remake and thought it worked.

LS: I do have to admit it was better than I expected it to be. The trailer looked friggin abysmal!

MA: I liked Colin Farrell a lot as vampire Jerry Dandridge, and this surprised me, because I thought Chris Sarandon made an excellent vampire in the original, and I didn’ t believe Farrell would be able to make the role his own. I was wrong.

Farrell portrays a cool, confident and sexy vampire, and I thought his performance captured the essence of Chris Sarandon from the original. He kept some of the cocky mannerisms, like his quips about having to be invited inside a house, and his munching on apples, but he’s also much bolder than Sarandon was in the original. His performance works.

LS: I agree. I thought Farrell would suck as a vampire (no pun intended), but he is actually one of the best things in the new FRIGHT NIGHT. If there are problems with the character, it’s the script’s fault, not his.

MA: Even though there were plenty of laughs in the original FRIGHT NIGHT, which was a horror comedy, Chris Sarandon played the vampire straight. This version, while still retaining some light moments, is much more a horror movie than a “horror comedy,” and so Farrell plays it straight here as well. I was impressed, because Sarandon’s one of my all-time favorite movie vampires, and I think Farrell is just as good here, which is a big reason why I liked this movie.

LS: I thought the original FRIGHT NIGHT was a fun movie, but I don’t think it was the revered classic you do. Sarandon was a good vampire. Farrell is just as good, but different. You can understand how easy it would be for Farrell to get unsuspecting victims to fall into his web. The way he looks, Farrell gets chicks without exerting any effort at all, and that would obviously be useful for a vampire.

MA: Anton Yelchin, who we saw in STAR TREK (2009) and TERMINATOR SALVATION (2009), is very good here as Charley Brewster. I wouldn’t say that he’s any better than William Ragsdale in the original, but he’s just as good. I also enjoyed both Imogen Poots as Amy and Toni Collette as Charley’s mom Jane Brewster.

LS: I thought Yelchin was a weak link here. He has like one emotion – a kind of skittish nervousness. He doesn’t strike me as someone with a lot of range as an actor. I didn’t really like his Charley that much. There were a few times when I thought he’d grow on me, but he doesn’t. I thought William Ragsdale (who went on to star in an 80s sitcom on Fox some people might remember called HERMAN’S HEAD, and who recently had a role on the new FX series JUSTIFIED) was much more likable in the role.

Toni Collette (the mom from 1999’s THE SIXTH SENSE) was good here as yet another kind of MILF character, although she’s not given a lot to do here.

As for Imogen Poots, I thought she was just a Elisha Cuthbert look-alike early on, but as the movie unfolded, I really grew to like her. Not only is she really cute, she’s a much more sympathetic and likable character than Charley, and I wish she had been the lead character instead of him! I kept asking myself “What does she see in Charley? He doesn’t have much of a personality.” (Some people might remember that in the original movie, Charley’s girlfriend was played by Amanda Bearce who was most famous for playing the Bundys’ neighbor Marcie on the show MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.)

MA: And, as you’ve mentioned, David Tennant also stands out as Peter Vincent. Is he as good as Roddy McDowall in the original? Probably not, but this is why this remake works, because everything about it is so different. David Tennant makes his own very different Peter Vincent stand out from Roddy McDowall’s, and so you’re not constantly thinking about the original. Tennant is a hoot as the occult showman and gets some of the funnier lines of the movie.

LS: Tennant is really great here as Vincent, and has some very funny scenes where he plays with the expectations of fans who might want to see him portray Vincent as a variation of DR. WHO. He’s profane, vulgar, and kind of a lush (his drink of choice of Midori!). He also turns a bit poignant by the end, when we find out the truth about his past. All in all, a satisfying performance. But, like you said, it’s nothing like the character Roddy McDowell played in the original, which was cool for totally different reasons.

MA: Christopher Mintz-Plasse as “evil” Ed again is not as memorable as Stephen Geoffreys in the original, but he IS good, and makes his Ed his own. While Mintz-Plasse isn’t as memorable here as he was as Red Mist in KICK-ASS (2010), he still makes an impression as Ed.

LS: Yeah, a bad impression. He’s another weak link here, just as he was as Red Mist. He’s good in straight-on comedies, but when movies try to straddle the line between serious and funny, or serious and quirky, he’s just the wrong guy to choose. He’s almost used up all the good will he got in SUPERBAD for me. I’m starting to just plain dread seeing him in new movies. I’m not a big fan of sequels, but this guy seriously needs a SUPERBAD 2 so he can have some decent work again.

(Christopher MINTZ-PLASSE suddenly pops up out of the bushes)

LS: How long have you been there, spying on us?

MINTZ-PLASSE: Long enough to know that you are a vampire – and a bully. Why do you keep picking on me?

LS: Because I suck (suddenly vampire fangs appear in his mouth with a “click.”)

MINTZ-PLASSE: Yikes! I’m outta here! (runs down the street)

MA: Nice fake teeth.

LS: Huh?

MA: Anyway, back to our review. Director Craig Gillespie, while making this remake less of a comedy and more of a thriller, still retains the sense of fun that permeated the original. At one point, Charley laughs off Ed’s suspicions that Jerry is a vampire by making fun of his name, saying that Jerry is an absolutely ridiculous name for a vampire, which in truth, it is. Ed also makes fun of TWILIGHT, so this in itself is a HUGE plus in my book!

LS: Then what’s with all the Stephenie Meyer books in your suitcase?

MA: Hey, we have to burn something in the fireplace.

LS:  But it’s summer.

MA:  Okay, so we’ll use them to grill burgers.

Anyway, there were a lot of cool scenes in this one. I liked the whole sequence where Charley attempts to rescue his stripper neighbor from Jerry’s house, and I thought the sequence where Jerry pursues Ed was a good one. I also really enjoyed the high speed chase scene where Jerry goes after Charley, his mom and Amy. I found this scene rather intense.

There’s also a nice little cameo by Chris Sarandon in this scene, who played Jerry in the original.

LS: I didn’t recognize Sarandon at first (maybe because I haven’t seen him in anything else in so long), but that was a nice cameo. I thought the scene where Charley tried to rescue the stripper in a weird secret extension to Jerry’s house was great! Maybe the best scene in the movie. I didn’t care so much for the scene with Ed, because I just didn’t like Ed….

MINTZ-PLASSE (in the bushes): I heard that!

LS: ….and I thought the high speed chase was way over the top. The original film was much more subtle, and built up to the true scares with much better pacing. This one gave up too much too soon.

I also thought that Ferrell’s “real” vampire face—kind of a monster face with a huge, toothy mouth—looked really goofy in the car chase/crash scene. It made me laugh out loud when they first show it. When some of the other characters, like Poots’s, “make” similar faces later on, it’s not as goofy. And there’s a great 3D scene toward the end (one of the few good uses of 3D) where Ferrell’s monster face gets a big close-up – it still looks goofy as hell, but it’s fun. But overall, the “monster” effect was very uneven. I thought it worked a little better in the original, despite the more primitive effects back then.

MA: I really enjoyed the screenplay by Marti Noxon. I thought she was extremely creative in updating this story, from “Google searches” on Peter Vincent to apps on how to pick a lock. Very smart screenplay. Noxon also wrote this year’s I AM NUMBER FOUR (2011), a decent movie, but FRIGHT NIGHT is better.

LS: Screw I AM NUMBER FOUR. Noxon made her name in television, where she has been a writer (and producer) with an amazing track record. She worked on such classic shows as BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, ANGEL, and works now on MAD MEN. I’m a big fan of hers, but her movie work pales in comparison. But yeah, she does do a good job here in updating FRIGHT NIGHT. Even if I did have some problems with the script. It was much more entertaining than most remakes.

MA:  All true, but she did write I AM NUMBER FOUR which we reviewed this year.

LS: I didn’t say she didn’t. I just said she did better work on TV.

MA: At times, the movie is a bit contrived. When the teens start disappearing, doesn’t anyone notice? Why isn’t anyone calling the police? Jerry is so bold and out in the open about his being a vampire, you wonder he’s not more cautious. And why do the bodies of new vampire disintegrate in sunlight? They’re not hundreds of years old.

LS: Because the filmmakers think it looks cool, probably. Me, I’m getting tired of disintegrating vampires. I don’t remember Christopher Lee or Lugosi going up in a big whoosh of fire and ash. It was cool when it was something new on BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, but it’s since become another cliché.

All your points are good, by the way. While FRIGHT NIGHT is a decent enough remake, it’s not great by any stretch. For me, the reasons to see this thing are David Tennant, Imogen Poots and Colin Ferrell (even though his vampire is way too quick to give up his secrets).

MA: I also saw this in 3D which was a complete waste. I hardly noticed the 3D effects at all. There’s no need to see this movie in 3D, people! Save your money and see it in 2D if you can.

LS: I saw it in 3D as well, because I didn’t have a choice, and I thought it was a complete failure. A big part of the problem is that a lot of FRIGHT NIGHT takes place at night. So you’re watching the movie through these annoying glasses, and everything is dark (which is not very conducive to 3D effects), and it kind of gave me a headache. I took the glasses off every once in a while, just to see the screen a bit brighter —even if it was blurry.  And the 3D effects were lame over all. I can only remember one or two scenes where 3D came into play at all. A complete waste of money!

MA: Is FRIGHT NIGHT scary? Not really, but it is entertaining and at times suspenseful. For the most part, the vampires are taken seriously, and this is a good thing. Speaking of vampires, I really thought Colin Farrell made an excellent vampire. Sure, Jerry is a silly name for a vampire, but after this movie, we now have two very memorable movie vampires named Jerry Dandridge.

LS: I thought the whole “Jerry is a silly name” thing was stupid. Of course his name is Jerry. He’s a vampire trying to fit into human society. What should his name be? VLAD TEPES? People made way too much of the Jerry thing, and every time someone brought it up, I just rolled my eyes. Who gives a damn?

MA:  I thought it was funny.

LS:  Also, Charley kept making a big deal about how a vampire would fit right in living in Las Vegas (where this movie is set). He kept pointing out that in a city where people work all night on the strip and then sleep during the day, a vampire wouldn’t be noticed. But this is hardly a new idea. It was done before—and much better—in the original NIGHT STALKER movie from 1972, starring Darren McGavin as Carl Kolchak (and Barry Atwater as a much scarier vampire than anything you’d see in a FRIGHT NIGHT movie!).

MA:   While Atwater may have been scarier, I would argue that Sarandon was just as memorable a vampire.  Atwater didn’t have any dialogue in THE NIGHT STALKER, and this worked against him.  I think Sarandon gave a better complete performance.  And Farrell is pretty good in this movie too!

What can I say? To my complete surprise, I liked the new version of FRIGHT NIGHT. I give it three knives.

LS: I liked it, too. Much more than I thought I would, based on the extremely boring trailer. So it was a surprise for me as well. Just not a complete surprise, like you. Mainly because there’s a lot wrong with it. And while it was entertaining, it wasn’t as good as it could have been if they’d tightened up the script and motivations a bit more. So I give it two and a half knives.

MA:  You’re nitpicking and no fun!  This movie should have been horrible, but everyone involved did a pretty good job and made an enjoyable movie!

Well, we better get out of here. I only rented it this place until tonight. We’ve got to move on.

LS: Let me at least finish my cigar first!

MA: Whatever.

(MA goes to pack up his suitcase, including several Stephenie Meyer TWILIGHT books)

MA (to camera):  I don’t really believe in burning books.  I brought these along just to annoy you-know-who.  (Points over his shoulder to LS)

(Back to the TEENAGER next door, still watching MA and LS through his binoculars)

GIRLFRIEND: What are they doing now?

TEENAGER: They’ve been talking for over an hour. If they’re vampires, they sure are BORING vampires. I haven’t seen them bite anybody!

GIRLFRIEND: Come on, let’s have some sex already!

-THE END-

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) – three knives!

L.L. Soares gives FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) - two and a half knives!

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The Geisha of Gore Takes On: TRINITY BLOOD

Posted in 2011, Animated Films, Anime, Apocalyptic Films, Colleen Wanglund Reviews, Geisha of Gore Reviews, Gore!, Japanese Cinema, Vampire Hunters, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2011 by knifefighter

THE GEISHA OF GORE PRESENTS:
TRINITY BLOOD: THE ANIME SERIES
By Colleen Wanglund

While I have always written about Asian horror movies—because I really think you should be watching them!—this month I wanted to start introducing our readers to anime. Most of you, I’m sure, have seen anime but maybe you didn’t realize it at the time. Ever see G-FORCE, SPEED RACER, LUPIN III, or POKEMON? Then you’ve seen Japanese anime. Anime (at least in the West) is just Japanese cartoons….nothing spectacular, just that they are drawn and written in Japan. There are certain aspects of anime art that do separate it stylistically from other cartoons. Anime gained its distinctive style in the 1960s and one of the most well-known animators—and a pioneer in the industry—was Osamu Tezuka.

One of my favorites is the horror/sci-fi anime series, TRINITY BLOOD. It started as a series of “light novels” (books for young adults) written by Sunao Yoshida and illustrated by Thores Shibamoto. The novels ran from 2001 to 2005. Yoshida then introduced the manga version in March of 2004 and it continues to be published to this day. The artist on the manga is Kiyo Kujo, who based his work on Shibamoto’s original designs. The anime version of the story appeared in 2005, but only ran for 24 episodes and stuck to a specific storyline. There are some continuity issues between the novels, manga and anime, mostly dealing with characters and order of story arcs, but the core story and major characters are the same.

TRINITY BLOOD takes place 900 years after Armageddon, which the Earth’s population basically brought on itself. The population of Earth became far too large for the planet to sustain, so humans set out to colonize Mars. While there, they discovered the Bacillus virus and the Crusnik nanomachines, both alien technologies. The colonists injected themselves with the virus and it changed them into beings called Methuselahs….or vampires. The Crusnik nanotechnology was implanted into test-tube babies, of which only four survived—named Cain, Abel, Seth and Lilith.

Over the centuries, war had continued on Earth, eventually leading to Armageddon. The colonists returned from Mars to help rebuild civilization, as they still considered themselves human. However, a war broke out between the human survivors of Earth and the returning Methuselahs. Now 900 years later, humans and Methuselahs live on the planet amid an uneasy truce through peace treaties. The humans are led by the Vatican, with the Roman Catholic Church being a major world power. The Methuselahs’ New Human Empire is based in Byzantium. For those who may not know Church history, Byzantium was originally Constantinople, site of the Catholic Church’s Eastern center established by the Roman Empire.

The Methuselahs do not need to feed on humans, but many people from both races fear and hate each other. Politics and mistrust reign. The Vatican is headed by Pope Alessandro XVIII, who is actually just a teenage boy who is uncertain of himself, to say the least. He relies on his main advisors Cardinal Caterina (his sister) and Cardinal Francesco (his illegitimate brother). The problem here is that Caterina is an advocate for diplomacy and Francesco advocates the use of military force. Cardinal Francesco heads the Department of Inquisition and Cardinal Caterina heads the Ministry of Holy Affairs, which oversees the AX, which is a special operations unit of priests and nuns trained to fight vampires.

One of the main characters of TRINITY BLOOD is Father Abel Nightroad and he is, in fact, one of the four Crusniks. During the wars with the humans, Abel took the side of the Methuselahs until his sister Lilith (who sided with the humans) was killed. Lilith’s body was interred in a chamber under the Vatican where Abel stayed by her side, in mourning, for almost 900 years. When Cardinal Caterina was a young girl, she wandered into the chamber running from Methuselah assassins. Abel saved Caterina and devoted himself to Lilith’s cause, the protection of the humans. Abel became a priest and is one of the founding members of the AX. Caterina and Abel are still very close. In his human form Father Abel appears very quiet and shy, and at times even bumbling; when he changes into his Crusnik form, his appearance changes considerably. His eyes turn red, his skin changes color and he has claws and fangs. At times he also has huge black wings and can emit pulses of energy. He doesn’t even need to suck the blood from a vampire to feed…it just moves to his body and he absorbs it. Even in his human form, though, Father Abel’s strength and speed is far superior to a human’s.

Another major character is Sister Esther Blanchett. Esther is heir to the throne of Albion, a small human country but probably the most powerful after the Vatican. Shortly after Esther’s birth, she was brought to a church in Istvan to protect her from the assassins who murdered her father. Istvan sits at the crossroads of the human nations and the Methuselah’s empire and is overseen by the Methuselah. Esther was raised by Bishop Laura Velez and when the Bishop was murdered by vampires, Esther became involved in the human rebellion, killing the city’s chief of security forces. When we are introduced to Esther, she has been fooled by Dietrich, a human, who is in fact part of the Rosenkreuz Order.

In the very first episode of TRINITY BLOOD, titled “Flight Night,” we are given a brief origin as to the time the story takes place and the state of global affairs. Father Abel Nightroad is flying back to Rome on an airship that is taken over by a Methuselah working for the Rosenkreuz Orden. For now, the order remains a mystery but it is clearly a terrorist attack—the hijacker intends to fly the airship into the Vatican. This is where we see Father Abel change into a Crusnik for the first time. We also meet Father Tres, another member of AX with the codename Gunslinger. Tres is also the only remaining cyborg of ten originally created to fight the Vatican, but now fights for them. And being a cyborg makes Tres one hell of a shot.

In the third and fourth episodes, “The Star of Sorrow Parts 1 and 2,” Abel and Esther meet for the first time. This is when we learn that the Rosenkreuz want to bring about another major war between the humans and vampires. Dietrich intended to destroy the city with a powerful weapon, dragging the factions into military conflict. Abel and Esther are able to stop the weapon, and Esther goes to the Vatican to join the AX.

Since the anime was only 24 episodes long, the story moves pretty quickly. We learn that the Rosenkreuz Orden is actually led by Cain, Abel’s Crusnik brother. Cain hates humans and Methuselah’s alike and, unbeknownst to most of the order’s members, Cain wants to see everyone exterminated. Throughout the series, Abel, Esther and other members of the AX stop potential terrorist attacks and discover more about the Rosenkreuz’s motives. We also discover that Abel’s sister Seth is the leader of the Methuselahs and she wishes the two races to live in peace. At times the AX goes up against Brother Petro and Sister Paula of the Vatican’s Department of Inquisition. They are formidable fighters who shoot first and ask questions later.

Okay, so 24 episodes and a quick moving story….sounds great. Some of the anime I’ve seen goes on far too long and strays from the core story. I suppose it’s like any television series that “ jumps the shark” at some point. The various arcs in TRINITY BLOOD all come back to the core story—two races of people trying to exist in the same space. It’s a very good story that flows well from episode to episode. However, there are many characters with their own agendas, so you have to pay attention. Don’t let that scare you off, though; the series’ continuity keeps it from getting confusing. While character development in the anime isn’t as in-depth as in the novels or manga, the main characters are suitably fleshed-out, keeping things focused and to the point. The original novels were targeted for young adults, but the political intrigue and the gore keep it just as entertaining for adults. The artwork is fantastic and very detailed from the characters to the scenery. TRINITY BLOOD is easily among the better examples of anime art. Abel in his full Crusnik form looks perfectly ferocious and the action sequences and visuals of blood and gore are beautifully done.

Another aspect of the story is the technology used by these civilizations. It’s referred to as the “Lost Technologies,” because it all seems to date back to pre-apocalyptic society, and not everyone knows how to use it. A lot of these technologies, particularly the airships—both civilian and military—have a very steampunk feel. Even the design of buildings in some of the cities, and the dress of most of the people, are steampunk.

I personally love TRINITY BLOOD, as well as the character of Abel. I know there are better series out there, like TRIGUN and HELSING, but TRINITY BLOOD fits into its own little bloody niche. It’s an entertaining series about two world powers in the midst of a Cold War, so it’s also a familiar story. Of course you throw in religion and it ups the ante. I like the fact that the vampires aren’t what you typically expect. They still consider themselves human and in fact eat and drink, just like humans do. Their appearance is the same as the humans, except for the Crusniks. The vampires are sensitive to sunlight, though, and the New Human Empire is protected by a barrier that makes daylight seem like twilight. I watched it for the first time as part of The Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” programming on weekends, but I have watched it over and over again online. If I can find the time, I’d really like to check out the manga. Episodes can be found for free on various anime sites on the web….just Google it.

Abel Nightroad is one of the main characters of the anime series, TRINITY BLOOD

© Copyright 2011 by Colleen Wanglund

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Friday Night Knife Fights: TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM – Part 2

Posted in 2011, Friday Night Knife Fights, Garbage, Psycho killer, Sequels, Slasher Movies, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , on May 27, 2011 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS- Free-for-all Cage Match
TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM:   Which one of the three is the WORST series? Part 2 (Conclusion)
By Michael Arruda and L.L.  Soares

 …..Previously, on FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:

 (the camera buzzes as the film rewinds, then starts again)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Moving onto our next question, if you were allowed to improve one of these franchises, which one would you like to improve, and just how would you improve it?

L.L. SOARES:  The way to improve these movies is to simply stop making them.

(A gargantuan cheer erupts from the audience, and suddenly LS is receiving a standing ovation.  Even MA stands to give him a hand.)

MA:  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

LS:  I know.

(film fades to black)

And now the conclusion to FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:

(The camera starts again. The audience’s ovation finally dies down)

MA:  Welcome back to FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS.  L.L. and I are continuing our discussion of TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM, attempting to determine which one of the three is the worst series overall.

Now, LL, you were just saying that the best way to improve these movies would be to simply stop making them.

LS:  Why continue making crap?  End these things and put us out of our misery.

At least the SAW franchise claims to have done this. A new SAW movie always came out around Halloween time for years, but that’s gladly over with. Instead, we’ll get a new PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie every October.

How about something new and different, instead of retreads?

MA:  Unfortunately, that’s the Hollywood formula.  As long as the retreads keep making money, Hollywood will keep churning them out.

I definitely agree with you on this point, that the best way to improve these franchises is to stop making them. However, if I had to choose one I’d want to improve, I’d choose SCREAM.  I’m not interested in touching either TWILIGHT or SAW.

To improve the SCREAM movies I would tweak the SCREAM formula by having the hip in-the-know-about-horror movies banter spoken only by characters whose lives aren’t in danger.  As soon as these characters are threatened by the masked menace, I’d have them react realistically, meaning they’d be scared to death, and they certainly wouldn’t be making wisecracks about horror movies.  That’s how it is now, and it kills any authenticity these stories might otherwise have.

And that’s all I have to say on the subject.  I’m not really all that interested in improving these series.  I’d prefer they’d just go away.


We’re getting closer to our goal of choosing the worst of the three.  Of the three series, which one has been the most painful to sit through?

I’ll go first this time and answer my own question, and I’m going to cheat a little bit here, as I’m choosing two.  See, for me it’s a tie between TWILIGHT and SAW.

By far, TWILIGHT has been the most boring series to sit through.  Never in my life have I experienced boredom at the movie like this.  It’s awful!  I would pay someone to stop making these films, they’re so dreadfully slow and painful.

But as horribly boring as TWILIGHT has been, SAW has been just as painful, but for different reasons.  For me, it comes down to the subject matter of these movies.  I just don’t enjoy horror tales built around torture.  Seeing people suffer agonizing tortures just because, and the films really don’t justify Jigsaw’s actions, is not my thing.  How can you justify Jigsaw’s actions anyway?  Even if he had just cause, what he does is indefensible.   Jigsaw and his antics are about as fun as the flu, and as realistic as DYLAN DOG.

LS: See, this is where I have a problem with your argument, because, as far as I know, you haven’t seen that many of the SAW movies. I know I’ve had to review them alone for years. I’m guessing you only saw one or two of them. So it’s not really fair that you judge all of them if you haven’t seen them. On the other hand, I’ve had to sit through all of the movies we’re talking about.

MA:  Not fair?  What, are we on the playground?  You’re right.  I haven’t seen as many of the SAW movies as you have, but I’ve seen enough.  Are you telling me that in the later films things get better?

LS:  I’m saying that Jigsaw does have a justification for his actions—however lame—and that is he’s trying to put bad people in a life-and-death situation in order to wake them up and make them change their lives.

MA:  What a thoughtful guy!  And I already knew this, as this plot point was in the films I saw.

LS:  I admit, this gets tired fast, but it is how he justifies his actions. I don’t think it’s any more stupid than every character in a SCREAM movie suddenly being an expert movie critic or Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt every five minutes in the TWILIGHT movies.

To be honest, the SAW movies just don’t bother me as much as the other two series do. I find the movies brainless, but entertaining. And they don’t repulse me like the SCREAM or the TWILIGHT movies do. The SAW movies may not be great, but I don’t mind them that much.

MA: At least SCREAM, for all its faults, has a set of recurring characters I enjoy watching, and the first movie had a good sense of humor and some decent thrills.  I can’t find anything redeeming about TWILIGHT or SAW.

LS: Who needs “redeeming?” I just want to be entertained. The SAW movies are the only ones that even come close to doing this. So they’re the lesser of three evils. And while you enjoy watching the recurring characters in the SCREAM movies, I despise them all and wish they’d just die already. So not everyone shares your affection for those dumb-ass characters.

As for me, I’d say the worst of the bunch is a draw too, but between two different movies.

The SCREAM movies because they irritate the hell out of me, and the TWILIGHT movies because it’s torture trying to stay awake while watching them.

MA:  And now for the big question, the final question of the night, when we decide the winner— or loser— of tonight’s competition:  which one of the three- TWILIGHT, SAW, or SCREAM— is the worst series?

LS:  The worst of the three is a tie between the SCREAM movies and the TWILIGHT movies.

MA:  There seems to be a lot of ties tonight.

LS:  They are bad in different ways. The SCREAM movies feature annoying, self-aware dialogue that doesn’t sound natural and thinks it is much cleverer than it is. Also, with each sequel they become more and more like the lame sequels they make fun of.

MA:  True.

LS:  The TWILIGHT movies, in comparison, don’t even try to be scary, because they’re not horror movies at all. They’re romance films playing dress up. And they’re abysmally boring.

MA:  Also true.

Okay, my turn to pick the worst.

I’m going to go with the SAW movies as the worst of the three because they have so little to offer.  Mindless violence, gruesome pointless tortures, and no story or decent characters whatsoever, the SAW films rely solely on the gross-out for their horror points, and this just doesn’t cut it—heh, heh— for me.

As much as I abhor the TWILIGHT movies, they don’t turn me off like the SAW movies.  They just put me to sleep.

With SCREAM – I actually like the characters, and the story in the first one was a good one.  Even though they’ve gone downhill since the first movie, the SCREAM films are still not as twisted and sick as SAW or as boring and dull as TWILIGHT.

So, my pick as the worst of the three is SAW.

It looks like then, since I picked SAW, and you picked both TWILIGHT and SCREAM, that we have a three way tie.

LS:  Let’s be honest here. They all suck.

MA:  I guess that’s apropos, that they each received a vote for The Worst Series.

With just the two of us here tonight, it would have been difficult to pick just one worst series anyway, unless that rarity of rarities occurred, and you and I agreed, and we both chose the same movie.  Maybe we’ll do this again sometime with some guest panelists.

LS:  I hope not.  I really don’t want to talk about these movies again anytime soon.

MA:  I agree with you there.  Still, there may have to be a rematch at some point.

So, hopefully nobody out there is disappointed, but tonight’s results reveal a stalemate.  Which one is the worst series?  It’s a draw, as TWILIGHT, SAW, and SCREAM all received one vote, meaning, they’re all horrible!

There are no winners here tonight, only losers.

LS: I guess I need to get off the stage then.

MA:  My prayers have finally been answered.

Well that wraps things up from here.  This has been FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS.  I’m Michael Arruda, and on behalf of L.L. Soares and myself, thanks for joining us tonight.  Good night, everybody!

—-END—

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PRIEST

Posted in 2011, 3-D, Cinema Knife Fights, Comic Book Movies, Monsters, Post-Apocalypse Movies, Vampire Hunters, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: PRIEST (2011)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

 

(The Scene: The interior of a giant, dark cave, full of labyrinth-like tunnels and eerie-looking passageways. MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES make their way through the cave. MA is holding a flashlight to illuminate the way.)

MA: Welcome, everybody! We’re here in this vampire hive to witness yet another big battle between vampires and their adversaries—humanity’s heroes—the priest warriors!

(Unseen audience cheers)

LS: Really? Since when do vampires have hives? Are they vampire bees? I thought we were in a beaver tunnel looking for Mel Gibson.

MA: Wrong movie. It’s vampires vs. humans today, because that’s the type of battle you’ll see in the new 3D vampire vs. human movie PRIEST (2011). Wait a minute. I hear something.

LS: That’s my stomach. I wonder if this place has a snack bar.

MA: No. I hear footsteps.

(A horde of batty-looking vampires emerge from the darkness)

LS: Any of you fellas know where I can find a snack bar?

(Vampires hiss and close in on MA & LS)

MA: I think we’re the snack bar.

LS: That’s not going to help me any.

MA: You think?

(A PRIEST suddenly enters the scene, and with a few nifty slow motion moves, quickly and neatly disposes of all the vampires.)

MA: That’s it? That’s the battle?

LS: And that’s pretty much the movie. Can we go home now?

PRIEST: You two men—are movie reviewers.

MA (rolls eyes): Yep, that’s the kind of obvious thought-provoking dialogue you’ll hear in the new movie PRIEST. (To Priest) I hear there’s some more vampires down that passageway building a snack bar. You should investigate.

PRIEST: Yes, I should investigate. (Exits)

LS: And we should do this review. I’m hungry, and those vampire body parts strewn all over the place are starting to look mighty appetizing.

MA: Okay. I’ll start this one.

PRIEST takes place in an alternate world where vampires and humans have battled for centuries, but the humans have finally won the battle because of their secret weapon: warrior priests. The few vampires left have been banished to live on reservations, and the humans now live in futuristic cities that reminded me a lot of the cities Harrison Ford traipsed through in BLADE RUNNER (1982).

LS: How dare you mention a great film like BLADE RUNNER in comparison to this dreck!

MA:  That’s what happens when you’re in a theater watching a lousy movie—you daydream about better movies.

LS:  Oh, you forgot to mention that the Vatican controls all the cities with an iron fist. Wow, who knew the Catholic Church would eventually take over? And everyone is so docile and compliant.

MA: Outside these cities, the world looks like the old west, as the towns and the people look like they just left the set of TRUE GRIT. A strange combination.

LS: A lame combination, you mean.

MA:  Sure, and why stop there?  Let’s call it what it really was:  a stupid combination.  I mean, what’s up with mixing futuristic cities with the old west?  It makes no sense.

LS: Which I guess means you should love the upcoming COWBOYS VS. ALIENS.

MA: In this movie, priests are vampire hunters. They even have crosses tattooed on their faces so you know who they are. One of them (Paul Bettany)—the most famous of the priest-vampire hunters, of course—is drawn back into the conflict when his brother’s family is attacked at an outpost in the wasteland, and his niece is kidnapped by vampires. In order to search for his niece, The Priest has to go against the church’s wishes, because the Monsignor (Christopher Plummer) tells him that there’s no more vampire problem, and if he goes against his church’s wishes, he’ll be excommunicated. The Priest thinks about this long and hard for about two seconds, and decides he’s going after his niece.

LS: This entire set-up is moronic. The church ignores any signs that the vampires are making a comeback, and claims it’s just a superstition. Why? Because they want to maintain their iron grip on the populace and make the people think they are safe. But even among each other they perpetuate the lies? You would think they would rise up against any possible threat to their power. If vampires are back, you’d think they would want to stamp them out–not deny their existence. I mean – there was a war with them in the past, there are even some left on the reservations as a reminder – it’s not like there’s no proof of their existence! This isn’t the Boogie Man here; it’s a proven danger. This plot point just seemed incredibly stupid to me.

MA:  I agree.  You’d think they’d want to find out if the vampires were on the prowl again. It’s never clearly explained why the church is so against admitting that vampires are back.  It just gives Christopher Plummer a chance to be a grumpy old man and spout out authoritative hogwash about disobeying the church’s wishes.

There’s also this recurring line “If you go against the church, you go against God,” which I guess is supposed to be this deep Orwellian warning, but really, if you think about it, if you belong to a church, and you believe in that church’s teachings, isn’t that just an obvious statement? It’s like saying if you disobey the 10 Commandments, you disobey God. Well, yeah!

(LS yawns)

MA: Anyway, back to the plot. The priest is joined by a young sheriff, Hicks (Cam Gigandet), who happens to be in love with the priest’s niece. Small world. They go off in search of the vampires in order to rescue the niece.  It’s a plot that made me wish I was watching the classic John Wayne western, THE SEARCHERS (1956) instead.

They’re also joined by a female vampire priest, and their search eventually leads them to the main vampire baddie in this one, a slick dude in a black cowboy hat aptly named Black Hat (Karl Urban).

LS: The priestess is played by Maggie Q. She’s one of a group of fellow priests that the Vatican sends to kill Paul Bettany’s character for heresy, but she decides to join forces with him instead. Man, is this storyline stupid. Instead of sending more priests out to kill Bettany, wouldn’t it make more sense to have them investigate whether the vampire threat is real or not?

MA:  That would make too much sense.

And that’s the plot. In a movie like this, the ending is never in doubt. This movie is called PRIEST. Do you really think the priest from the main title is going to fail?

LS (with mouth full): Are you asking me?

MA: No, I’m asking our audience—what are you eating? (Sees that LS is chomping on a severed vampire arm) Put that down! You don’t know where that hand’s been!

LS (pulls out a bottle of Stubbs BBQ sauce): Awww, you’re no fun. I had to eat something. And you’re using your arm. Go on with the review.

MA: PRIEST could have been a good “bad” movie. When it started, I had an open mind, and tried as best as I could to be into it, and the filmmakers tried as best as they could to see that that didn’t happen. The plot is downright silly, but I would have looked past this had the film been made better.

The worst part is there is absolutely no character development. We don’t get to know these folks at all, and as a result we don’t care for them. Cory Goodman wrote the screenplay based on the graphic novel series by Min-Woo Hyung, and it’s about as deep as a paper cut.

LS: You’re giving the film too much credit. I’ve had some pretty deep paper cuts.

MA: Paul Bettany as the Priest is about as exciting as a piece of wood. He’s boring. We saw Bettany as the angel Michael in LEGION (2009) and he was slightly better in that, but not much.

LS: Didn’t he play the same exact role as an enforcer for the church in THE DA VINCI CODE (2006)? He sure has a thing for playing avenging clergymen. I actually think Bettany can be good when given a decent role. He was good in the British gangster film GANGSTER NO. 1 (2000) and the Lars Von Trier movie DOGVILLE (2003), and I also liked him in the nautical epic MASTER AND COMMANDER (2003), but he hasn’t impressed me at all in action films like this. He needs to go back to serious acting.

MA: Karl Urban looks cool as the villainous Black Hat, but he’s way underdeveloped. He has a personal history with the Priest, and so his motives for kidnapping the niece are personal, but we know so little about this history. Black Hat used to be a priest, I think. Were they friends? Brothers? Rivals? Your guess is as good as mine since the writer of this piece didn’t bother to show us.

LS: I thought Urban was the best thing in the movie, but you’re right, he has very little to do. His Black Hat character was kinda cool, but had no substance. He’s been in a lot of movies we’ve seen recently, and I almost always enjoy his performances. He’s even slated to play JUDGE DREDD in the upcoming reboot of that franchise. I sure hope it’s better than this movie.

MA: Cam Gigandet as Sheriff Hicks is about as fleshed out as a toothpick. Gigandet looked familiar, and it’s no surprise, since he’s shown up in a number of movies we’ve reviewed the past few years. He was in PANDORUM (2009), THE UNBORN (2009), and, most recently, THE ROOMATE (2011).

Brad Dourif, an actor I enjoy watching, is wasted in an all too brief stint as an exceedingly cliché Salesman. You know the character, that guy who’s trying to bamboozle the local townspeople by selling them phony remedies? How many times has this scene been replayed in the movies?

LS: Brad Dourif is way too good for crap like this.

MA: And Christopher Plummer is relegated to looking constipated and stating authoritative lines that a grumpy old monsignor would say.

And the look of PRIEST isn’t anything to brag about either. I enjoyed the post-apocalyptic visuals in SUCKER PUNCH (2011) much better than anything I saw here in PRIEST. I did like the futuristic city, but the western scenes were unimaginative, and the scenes in the vampire hive were dark and looked like a million other dark cave scenes I’ve seen before.

PRIEST also didn’t have any memorable action scenes. Did you like any of the battles? (nudges LS) This time I am talking to you.

LS: Battles? Oh yeah, there were some of those in here, huh? I wasn’t much impressed by them either. There’s one where Black Hat and the Priest fight on a train that’s almost good. But not quite. Yeah, the battles kind of suck.

MA: I wasn’t impressed, either. And I wasn’t impressed by Scott Charles Stewart’s direction at all. Stewart also directed LEGION (2009), a film I enjoyed more than PRIEST.

LS: I’m starting to see a pattern here. Stewart directed both LEGION and PRIEST. Paul Bettany starred in both of them. And both were over-sold at the movie theaters. By the time the actual movies came out, I was already sick of them because of the trailers—I think I saw the PRIEST trailer like 25 times before the movie was released! Neither one redeemed itself in the actual viewing—both were kind of lame—and you’ve already seen some of the best scenes in the trailers beforehand several times. So why bother?

MA: The vampires were also a disappointment. They looked like rejects from PAN’S LABRYNTH (2006). They weren’t scary looking at all. I liked the little we saw of Black Hat. He was cool-looking, and I thought Karl Urban— who we saw as Dr. McCoy in STAR TREK (2009) — did a good job making him something of a sly menace, but we know so little about him, and he actually does so little in this movie, that he’s far from a decent villain. He certainly could have been one.

LS: The vampires are my number one problem with this movie. They’re lame, CGI creatures who can move very fast, but they don’t look realistic at all. They’re these giant eyeless things with lots of teeth. Nothing like vampires we’re used to. I guess this is supposed to be something new and original – but it’s not. It’s just kind of dumb.

So the vampires these people have been fighting for ages are definitely non-human monsters. And then, it’s revealed that Black Hat is their big secret weapon against mankind. And what makes him special? He’s the first human vampire! I’m not sure if this is a spoiler, but if it is, it sure is a friggin stupid one. God, is this world slow on the uptake. We’ve had human vampires in movies for over a century and it took them this long to come up with them? What a sorry-ass alternate world. I hate CGI monsters and I hate dumb alternate worlds.

MA: Then there’s the whole 3D fiasco. Yep, PRIEST was in 3D, yet another movie where the 3D failed to make a difference. Now, I can understand why you’d want to make this one in 3D, since it takes place in an alternate word, and so there’s a lot of room for creative landscapes and cool 3D imagery, but guess what? The filmmakers didn’t exploit this at all! There is hardly anything impressive visually about this movie, and the 3D effects flat-out fail to impress. It actually kind of amazed me how lackluster the 3D effects were in PRIEST, and compared to the 3D effects we just saw last week in THOR, THOR was much better, but even those I wasn’t crazy about.

LS: I wasn’t that impressed with the use of 3D in THOR, either, but that movie was a masterpiece compared to PRIEST. Man, did I hate this movie! I actually almost nodded off a few times, it was so predictable and dumb. But I made sure to stay awake for the sake of our readers. And the 3D was just adding insult to injury. I had to pay an extra five bucks for pathetic 3D effects that didn’t improve this movie one iota.

MA: Too much 3D! Knock it off already! Or make it better. The theaters are certainly charging enough for these movies, so there’s no excuse for these films not looking better.

And lastly, PRIEST is not scary, which is a disappointment, since this is a movie about vampires. The scariest part about PRIEST is one of the final lines of the movie, where Christopher Plummer’s Monsignor yells at the Priest, saying the vampire war is over, and the Priest replies, “It’s not over. It’s just beginning.” And you know what that means: PRIEST 2. Now that’s scary.

LS: I can only hope this one does horribly at the box office. That’s the only thing that can protect us from the horror that is PRIEST 2.

MA: I give PRIEST one and a half knives.

LS: As usual, you’re more generous than the movie deserves. I give it half a knife. This thing is a dog.

MA:  Yeah, I almost gave it a lower rating, but I did like Karl Urban as Black Hat, and unlike you, I didn’t hate the movie.  I just thought it was lame.

(PRIEST returns from the catacombs)

MA: Did you find any more vampires?

PRIEST: No. Did you like the movie?

LS: No, we hated it. Now show us how to get out of here. We’re done talking about PRIEST.

PRIEST: You can stay here. And rot.

MA:  You know, if you had talked this tough in the movie, we might have liked it better.

PRIEST:  Bite me.

(PRIEST flips them off and then disappears into the darkness)

MA:  Now, what?  How are we going to get out of here?

(Suddenly a giant neon sign flickers and comes to life. It’s a gigantic hand pointing with the words “WAY OUT” above it).

MA: There’s something to be said for movies that constantly state the obvious.

LS: We are obviously outta here.

-END-

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
Michael Arruda gives PRIEST - 1 and a half knives

LL Soares gives PRIEST – half a knife

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CKF COMING ATTRACTIONS – MAY 2011

Posted in 2011, 3-D, Cinema Knife Fights, Comedies, Coming Attractions, Pirates, Superheroes, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT
COMING ATTRACTIONS: MAY 2011
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: A mountaintop, with the sun shining brightly through white puffy clouds, illuminating a golden hammer situated prominently on top of a rock. MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES approach hammer.)

MA: Look! That must be Thor’s hammer!

LS: I believe you’re right! I think I’ll add it to my collection of rare weaponry. (Reaches for hammer)

MA: Hold on a minute! You can’t steal Thor’s hammer!

LS: Why not? He can’t be too worried about it if he just left it here hanging around a mountaintop. I’m sure he has plenty of these. I mean, what superhero would only have one weapon?

MA: I don’t know. I don’t feel too comfortable about you taking something from a guy as seriously beefed up as Thor! Couldn’t you at least wait until we finish this Coming Attractions column?

LS: Why?

MA: You might find something else you’ll want even more.

LS: Hmm. As usual, you make absolutely no sense. But I’ll humor you. Let’s start the column.

MA:  You’ll humor me?  You’ll thank me when Thor’s not kicking your butt later for stealing his hammer!

Anyway, we kick off May with the new Marvel superhero movie, THOR. The 2000s has been a great decade for superhero movies, and some of my favorite movies of the decade have been superhero tales. We’ve had THE DARK KNIGHT (2008), IRON MAN (2008), and WATCHMEN (2009), to name a few, as well as the offbeat and quirky KICK-ASS (2010).

LS: Actually this is technically the 2010s, since we’ve just entered a new decade.

MA: Whatever. I’ve especially enjoyed the Marvel series, which includes the SPIDER MAN series with Tobey Maguire, THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008), the aforementioned IRON MAN, the X-MEN series, and the FANTASTIC FOUR films. So, there have been quite a few excellent Marvel superhero movies over the last decade. They’ve been on a roll.

THOR is yet another character from the Marvel Universe, and since I’ve enjoyed the other Marvel movies so much, I’m really looking forward to this movie.

It stars Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Hemsworth had a small role in the J.J. Abrams STAR TREK movie (2009) as he played George Kirk, Captain Kirk’s father. The film features an impressive cast which includes Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, and Stellan Skarsgard.

Interestingly enough, it was directed by Kenneth Branagh, one of my favorite directors/actors on the planet, as I’ve always enjoyed his Shakespeare adaptations. However, his version of FRANKENSTEIN (1994) with himself cast as Victor Frankenstein and Robert DeNiro as the Monster, remains one of my least favorite versions of that classic tale.

LS: I believe the full title of that one was MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN.

MA: Yeah, yeah.

LS: I’m excited about this one because Thor is one of my favorite characters in the Marvel Universe. I’ve been hooked since the olden days when the comics were written by Stan Lee and drawn by the great Jack Kirby. Kirby seemed to take special joy in drawing the worlds of Thor – especially his beloved Asgard – the home of the Norse gods. I hope this one lives up to expectations. You’d think Branagh would bring some Shakespearean heft to the proceedings. However, the trailer didn’t impress me very much. I was excited to see both Loki (Thor’s evil half-brother) and the Destroyer (a supernatural, armored creature), both from the comics, in this one, though. Although I would have liked to see Ulik the Troll and Hercules too. Marvel’s version of Hercules is my all-time favorite take on the character. Then again – the movie is called THOR.

Maybe we’ll at least get the mighty Volstagg! The THOR comics always had a really cool supporting cast of characters.

Then on May 13th we’ll be reviewing PRIEST—- which brings us back to trailers. If the THOR trailer looked a bit disappointing – I’m still more than happy to wait and see the movie for myself. I am hoping it is way better than the trailer lets on.

In the case of PRIEST, I’m not so eager to see it. They have been playing the PRIEST trailer at the movies for months now. I don’t know if it’s because the movie was supposed to be released earlier and was bumped, or what. But I have seen the trailer SO MANY TIMES that I feel like I’ve already seen this movie and I am not eager to sit through it again. The trailer gives away the entire plot, and it isn’t that great. This one is also based on a comic book.

MA: I agree. PRIEST sounds and looks horrible. I haven’t been impressed at all by the film’s trailer. And what a dreadful name for a horror movie! Gee, I just finished my horror screenplay, what shall I call it? I need something catchy, something creative— I’ve got it! I’ll call it PRIEST! I don’t think so. What’s the sequel going to be called? NUN?

LS: Instead of PRIEST, how about a movie version of Garth Ennis’s legendary comic book PREACHER. The names may be a bit similar, but Ennis’s comic was one of the best series ever. Now THAT I would be excited about.

MA: PRIEST is about a priest who fights vampires, and it’s set in an alternate post-apocalyptic world. I don’t know. I’m not feeling too good about this one, especially since it’s going to be in 3D, and you know what that means: it’ll cost more money! Ugh!

It’s directed by Scott Stewart, who also directed LEGION (2010), and that wasn’t too bad, so you never know. Maybe it’ll surprise us and be pretty good.

LS: LEGION was okay, but nothing spectacular. I remember being disappointed by it.

MA: And there’s another LEGION connection, as the Priest is played by Paul Bettany, who played Michael the Archangel in LEGION.

On May 20, I’ll be reviewing PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES (2011), and I’ll be reviewing this one with John Harvey. We’ll try not to harm you in the review, LL.

LS: Thanks. I’m glad you guys are reviewing the new PIRATES film. Not only does it give me a weekend off, but I haven’t seen the previous sequels, just the first film, and have no desire to see this one. I like Johnny Depp, but for some reason these movies don’t thrill me at all. And I wish someone of Depp’s talents was doing better movies. Like the upcoming version of DARK SHADOWS by Tim Burton. Now that sounds cool!

MA: I like the PIRATES movies, and I especially enjoy Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow. I enjoyed the first two films in the series a lot, but the third I thought wasn’t as good, so I can’t say that I’m really looking forward to this one, since it’s the fourth in the series, which usually means a film of lower quality. But I’ll be hoping for the best.

It’s directed by Rob Marshall, who directed the musical CHICAGO (2002), a film I enjoyed, but it’s not exactly an action movie, so, who knows? The screenplay was written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, the same two guys who wrote the first three movies, so expect more of the same shenanigans from Jack Sparrow and company.

There have been some cast changes since the last movie. Gone are Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, and in are Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane as Blackbeard. Geoffrey Rush returns as Sparrow’s rival Barbossa, and also in the cast are Judi Dench, Stephen Graham, who we saw in SEASON OF THE WITCH (2011), and Keith Richards.

LS: The cast actually sounds interesting for this one. I like Ian McShane a lot – he was great as Swearengen in the HBO series DEADWOOD. And Penelope Cruz is pretty hot. And that’s funny that Keith Richards is in this one, since Depp said he based at least part of his performance of Captain Jack Sparrow on Richards’ mannerisms. But I won’t shed any tears over missing this one.

MA:  Yeah, Keith Richard’s appearance is a running gag.  He was also in the third PIRATES film.

(MA spies a giant hook)

MA: Hey, check out that hook. That might make a better addition to your weapons collection than Thor’s hammer.

LS: Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about Thor’s hammer. I certainly don’t need any boring old hooks. Thanks for reminding me!

MA: Damn!

LS: Finishing the month we’ll be reviewing the comedy THE HANGOVER PART 2. This is new for us. I don’t think we’ve ever reviewed a straight comedy before. Usually we only review horror-comedies. But there aren’t too many horror flicks coming out in May, and we have to review something.

I liked the first movie, and the second one could actually be pretty decent. I’m willing to find out.

MA: I enjoyed THE HANGOVER, though probably not as much as most other people. I enjoyed it because the situations the three guys found themselves in were so over-the-top crazy and unpredictable, I couldn’t help but like it, mostly because I had no idea where the story would go next. The problem I had with the movie was I didn’t find the humor as inviting as I expected. In other words, while I certainly enjoyed watching the crazy predicaments these guys found themselves in, I wasn’t laughing out loud all that much. But I liked it, and I’m looking forward to seeing this sequel.

LS: Remember that scene in the original where they find a tiger in their hotel room?

MA: Yeah.

LS: Don’t look now, but I think that’s the same tiger.

MA: What tiger?

LS: The one that’s chasing us.

(A tiger is suddenly running towards them.)

MA: Run!

(MA & LS flee with the tiger in pursuit.)

MA (running): The three buddies are all back for this one— Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, and Ed Helms (from TV’s THE OFFICE)— and while Galifianakis caught most of the attention of critics for his insane performance as the weirdo Alan, I actually enjoyed Cooper and Helms better. I also enjoyed Cooper in the recent thriller LIMITLESS (2011) with Robert DeNIro.

Director Todd Phillips also directed the original. However, there’s a different set of writers who wrote this one, so beware!

Quick! There’s Thor’s hammer! Let’s use it on the tiger!

LS: I thought you didn’t want to take the hammer? I thought you were too scared of Thor’s wrath!

MA: This is different! (He grabs hammer and prepares to use it on the tiger, which has suddenly disappeared.) Where did the tiger go?

LS: I don’t know, but you have some explaining to do.

MA: Huh?

LS: Look who’s standing behind you.

(MA turns to see THOR standing behind him, with his hands on his hips.)

MA: I can explain. See, there was this man-eating tiger—.

(THOR shakes his head and growls)

MA: In the words of the immortal Don Adams, would you believe a brazen bobcat? No? How about an aggressive house cat with a hatred of hammers? Sylvester the cat, then?

LS: We’ll leave Michael to talk his way out of this mess. I’m sure he’ll figure something out. But I do find it amazing he was able to lift Thor’s hammer at all. Supposedly only Thor can lift and wield that thing! Very interesting…

So that wraps things up for May. There’s just the one horror movie this month, PRIEST, but it still looks like an entertaining month at the movies. We’ll see you this weekend with a brand new CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT review.

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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