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Quick Cuts Plays “WHAT’S MORE LIKELY?”

Posted in 2013, Based on Comic Book, Comic Book Movies, DC Comics, Quick Cuts, Sam Raimi, Twilight, Vampires, Zombies with tags batman, christian bale, Iron Man, Marvel, Quick Cuts, Robert Downey Jr., twilight, What's More Likely, Zombies on May 10, 2013 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS: WHAT’S MORE LIKELY?
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Nick Cato, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon, and Jenny Orosel

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome to another edition of QUICK CUTS. Tonight we’ll be playing a little game.

IRON MAN 3 opened in theaters last Friday, May 3rd. The Marvel superhero movies have enjoyed a nice run going back to X-MEN (2000) and Sam Raimi’s first Spider-Man movie, SPIDER-MAN (2002). Here we are in 2013 and they’re still going strong.

So, tonight we’re going to play a little game called “What’s More Likely?”

Our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters includes, in addition to L.L. Soares and myself, Nick Cato, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon, and Jenny Orosel. Thank you all for coming.

So, tonight’s game, “What’s More Likely?” works like this. Looking ahead to the next ten years and answer the following questions.

First question: What’s more likely? That there will be more Marvel movies in the next ten years, or more zombie movies?

NICK CATO: I think there will always be both, but superhero films seem to be more lucrative.

ARRUDA: So, more Marvel movies then?

CATO: Yes.

JENNY OROSEL: Seeing as they’re now owned by Disney, we’re going to see more Marvel movies than ever. I fully expect they’ll do two direct-to-video sequels or prequels for every one they have in the theater.

ARRUDA: I hope not. There’s nothing like a direct-to-video release to kill off a movie series. Ugh!

L.L. SOARES: Oh, what do you know!

Turning to the zombie genre for a moment, hopefully, oversaturation will result in a dwindling of zombie movies.

Marvel, however, has a nice variety of characters they can draw from (including many who have never been in a movie before), and should go strong for many years.

ARRUDA: I agree.

PAUL MCMAHON: With the success of THE AVENGERS (2012), there will definitely be more Marvel movies. I won’t be sure about zombie movies until we see how much money WORLD WAR Z (2013) makes. With all the buzz about production problems, it could either bring about a reanimation of the zombie sub-genre or put a bullet through its head.

SOARES: I’m sick of zombies. I wouldn’t mind putting a bullet through the head of the genre.

DANIEL KEOHANE: I’m going with Marvel movies, without a doubt.

Zombie movies are popular right now, but the superhero movies have a much wider reach and end up making more money, overall. And there are so many characters and teams to choose from, whereas zombies pretty much lumber along the same way each time.

ARRUDA: I’m going with Marvel movies as well.

Okay, on to our second question:

What’s more likely? That we’ll still be seeing Marvel movies in ten years, or that we’ll still be seeing movies based on books by Stephenie Meyer?

Dan, why don’t you start us off this time?

KEOHANE: Marvel movies.

(The panel cheers.)

KEOHANE: Thank you, thank you.

SOARES: We’re not cheering you. We’re cheering your pick.

KEOHANE: Don’t ruin my moment.

Where was I? Marvel movies. Because as good a writer for her age group as Stephenie Meyer is, she can only crank out so much content. Marvel not only has a slew of new comics coming out every month, they have half a century of classic stories already in the can ready to become movie-ized. Even the Avengers movie was loosely based on one of the first Avengers comics (I think). Not to mention DC’s Superman movies. They’ll keep making the same origin story over and over ad infinitum.

SOARES: What are you bringing up DC comics for? This question is about Marvel movies! Pay attention, Dan!

ARRUDA: But he makes a good point. Not only does Marvel have more stories to choose from, but they can remake their own origin stories. Heck, they just did it with their latest SPIDER-MAN movie.

Let’s move on. I don’t want to give Meyer any ideas. The last thing I want is a TWILIGHT remake!

SOARES: I predict that Stephenie Meyer will find a way to continue the Twilight series.

ARRUDA: No!

SOARES: You just don’t put a cash cow like that out to pasture.

However, the future for Meyer-related projects is iffy – especially if something new grabs the public’s interest. Meanwhile, I think Marvel movies will be going strong in 10 years.

CATO: Ten years from now? Hopefully Meyer will be retired by then.

ARRUDA: I’m with you. I hope she’s retired. I’ll be happy if I never have to see another movie based on a Stephenie Meyer book ever again.

KEOHANE: I think Meyer is a very talented writer, and you’re not giving her enough credit.

ARRUDA: Maybe so, but the TWILIGHT movies were awful, and they killed any interest I might have had in seeing THE HOST (2013).

SOARES: I think you secretly like the TWILIGHT movies. You talk about them so much.

ARRUDA: Yeah, right!

MCMAHON: Marvel movies, no question. They have new ideas and maybe some new-to-the-screen heroes as well.

And sorry, Michael, but it’s entirely possible, though, that in ten years they’ll be remaking the TWILIGHT movies. We can hope not.

ARRUDA: That’s a horrible thought, though I agree with you. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it’s bound to happen. If film history has taught us anything, it’s that remakes are always with us.

What about you, Jenny? In ten years, Marvel movies or Stephenie Meyer movies?

OROSEL: Ooh, that’s a tough one, since I fully expect Disney to eventually buy Stephenie Meyer, and turn Bella into a Disney Princess.

ARRUDA: This panel is getting more painful by the minute.

OROSEL: I call it a tie.

ARRUDA: Okay, it’s time for the third and final question of the night.

What’s more likely? Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark/Iron Man again, or Christian Bale plays Batman again?

Robert Downey Jr. in IRON MAN 3, and still going strong.

MCMAHON: Downey is already going to play Tony Stark in THE AVENGERS 2. There will probably be an IRON MAN 4. I can’t see him ditching that cash cow while the iron is hot. Ahem.

(Someone in the audience groans.)

MCMAHON: I don’t think Christopher Nolan intends to do another Batman movie, and I can’t see Christian Bale playing that character under another director

ARRUDA: Good point. And I agree with you.

I say Robert Downey Jr. plays Iron Man again. Between THE AVENGERS movies and the IRON MAN series, you’d think that he’d at least be back one more time as Iron Man if not more.

From what I’ve read, Bale is done as Batman. You never know about these things, but I don’t expect him to play Batman again.

Christian Bale is Batman in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

OROSEL: It’s going to be hard for Bale to keep it going as Batman as he ages, while even if Downey looks ragged and worn, it fits the Stark character. Unless he ends up in rehab again. Then all bets are off.

KEOHANE: Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man without a doubt. This is just a guess–.

SOARES: Really, Dan, it’s a guess? You mean you don’t know?

KEOHANE: Sorry. I left my crystal ball at home.

So, this is just a guess, but Downey seems to be enjoying himself immensely up there on the screen, whereas Christian Bale puts so much angst into his characters, his doctors will probably have him committed if he even thinks about doing another one of those.

CATO: It may be too early to tell, but hopefully Downey will continue to play Stark…he’s perfect in the role, whereas we have yet to find a Batman everyone seems to agree on.

SOARES: That’s for sure. It’s all about the mask anyway. Anyone can play Batman.

Both Downey and Bale probably want to focus on more artistic movies. That said, I think Batman is replaceable, as we’ve seen several people play him over the years, while Downey remains the definitive Tony Stark. I think it’s more likely Downey will be convinced to play Stark again.

ARRUDA: Okay, there you have it. It seems the general consensus is that Marvel movies will be around for a while.

That’s all the time we have for tonight. Thanks for joining us everybody, and we’ll see you next time on QUICK CUTS.

—END—

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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 (2012)

Posted in 2012, Adult Fairy Tales, Bad Acting, Blockbusters, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Just Plain Bad, Melodrama, Twilight, Twist Endings, Vampire Movies, Werewolves with tags bella swan, Breaking Dawn, edward cullen, jacob black, kristen stewart, robert pattinson, taylor lautner, twilight, Vampires, Voltari, Werewolves on November 19, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A cemetery. L.L. SOARES has just finished filling up a grave. He rests on his shovel and looks at the tombstone with says “TWILIGHT.” MICHAEL ARRUDA arrives in a long black car and gets out. He’s wearing a party hat and carrying balloons. DRIVER of hearse steps out, appalled.)

DRIVER: Balloons? This is a funeral! This is most inappropriate!

MA: No it’s not. This is a funeral for the TWILIGHT series.

LS (calling over): Did you bring the vampire strippers?

MA (looks at Driver): And you think I’m inappropriate?

DRIVER: I’m appalled!

MA: Don’t lose your shirt, Taylor Lautner. (to LS) I didn’t bring any strippers.

LS: No strippers? Damn!

MA: We need to review a movie after all. I didn’t think we needed the distraction.

LS: Who asked you to think?

MA: Sorry. Well, at least it’s over.

LS: You got that right. We can finally put the damn TWILIGHT SAGA to rest. Best grave I ever dug. I made this one extra deep.

MA: All we have to do is to review BREAKING DAWN PART 2, then it will be over for good!

LS: True enough. (He is on the verge of tears). And then we’ll finally be done with this series. I thought this day would never come.

MA: Me, neither. I thought we’d be going to see these awful movies forever.

LS: If there’s a hell, then I’m sure someone is being forced to watch a never-ending marathon of these movies.

MA: So why don’t you give us a synopsis of this last movie.

LS: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ended with the feisty, perpetually sneering heroine of the TWILIGHT series, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), finally getting what she’s been wishing for since the first movie — she finally got turned into a vampire like her beloved Edward (Robert Pattinson). We could tell because her eyes were bright red! Spooky!

As BREAKING DAWN PART 2 opens, Bella is trying to learn how to control her unquenchable thirst for blood. Edward takes his newly-vampiric bride into the deep woods so she can feast on a deer’s blood, but a mountain climber makes an unexpected appearance, and when he cuts himself, Bella goes nuts. Suddenly, that measly little deer doesn’t seem so filling.

MA: This series is so bad even “hunting” scenes like this are dull and boring, especially with Edward watching his new bride with that goofy grin on his face, as if we’re supposed to think, “Aww, isn’t she cute? Bella’s hunting.” Gag!

LS: The big question was, would she be able to control herself and not bite a human, or would she just go nuts like a lot of “newbie” vampires do when they first get “turned.” Somehow, Bella is able to pass the test.

MA: Because vampires in the TWILIGHT world would never feed on a human, or at least not vampires in the Cullen clan, the most mind-numbing vampire family you’ll ever meet. Vampire family. (Shaking his head) That kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

LS: Speaking of which, Bella is then brought back to the home of the Cullens — the vampire clan that Edward belongs to, and now Bella does to — to meet her new baby, Renesmee. What kind of name is that anyway?

MA: An annoying one.

LS: Turns out everyone is afraid Bella will turn her newborn baby into dinner, since the girl is half human and has human blood running through her veins. If you remember from the previous movie, Bella got pregnant immediately after a wild bout of sex with Edward, and the baby threatened to kill her. Which is why Edward finally relented and turned her into a vampire— he pretty much killed her in order to save her life, if that makes any sense.

MA (mockingly nodding): Of course it does.

(A couple of MOURNERS arrives, crying into their handkerchiefs)

MOURNER 1: Oh my God, it’s over! How will we ever go on with our lives?

MOURNER 2: This is just the saddest day ever. I don’t know if I want to live anymore!

MOURNER 1: I have an idea. Let’s make sure it never ends. Let’s go see BREAKING DAWN PART 2 again. And again. And then go back and read the books again and watch the DVDs again and then it will seem like the story goes on forever.

MOURNER 2: Oh my God, that sounds wonderful!

(LS suddenly raises his shovel and chops both of their heads off, with blood squirting everywhere)

LS: I’m sorry Michael, but I had to put those two poor, tortured souls out of their misery.

MA (grinning as blood spatters his suit): Totally understandable, although I was thinking more along the lines of a stern reprimand.

LS: Anyway, in this new movie, the hateful Irina (Maggie Grace) spies Bella and her new baby and runs to tell the Voltari – those vampire overlords who act like the Vatican of bloodsuckers —because this is a big no-no in the tenants of vampire law. You see, in the past, babies and children who were turned into vampires were nothing but trouble, since they immediately stopped growing and stayed at their age (mentally and physically) forever. Suddenly, with a lust for blood and incredibly strength, they were huge threats to the human world (you don’t want to see a super-strong vampire baby have a tantrum!) and also threatened to expose the adult vampires who are always trying to stay a big secret to humankind. Thus, vampire babies are immediately destroyed. After Irana goes and finks on Bella (what a rat!), the Voltari are convinced that Renesmee is a baby turned into a vampire and the leaders of the group, especially big kahuna Aro (Michael Sheen), declare the child must be slain and those involved with her “creation” punished.

But, as we already know, they’re wrong, since Renesmee wasn’t “turned,” she was born a vampire/human hybrid because Bella was human during the child’s conception. Thus, the child is a rare creature and has started growing at an alarming rate. Like, she’s grown several years older in a matter of days!

The Voltari, however, have no interest in allowing a fair trial. If they could just talk it out, there would be no movie. Besides, Aro and his cohorts have had it in for the Cullens since the second TWILIGHT movie, NEW MOON (2009), and this is just the excuse they need to wipe out of the clan completely.

MA: This is all so interesting.

LS: I have to admit, it’s a little painful to remember all this stuff. I want to block it out of my mind.

The Cullens, in turn, find out about their impending doom when Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) has a vision that the Voltari are coming to get them. This puts a plan into motion where the Cullens travel the globe to gather friends and allies as “witnesses” to demand that the Voltari listen to reason. These same witnesses might also have to fight if the Voltari won’t listen to them.

Also along for the ride are Bella’s other love interest, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), and his pack of werewolves. Jacob has sworn to protect Renesmee with his life, partly because he has “imprinted” himself on the child (something that happened in PART 1). It seems that werewolves automatically “imprint” a bond with someone when they have found their true soul mate. It’s completely out of their control. And the fact that Jacob has imprinted with a baby is kind of creepy, except when you realize that Renesmee will probably be a full-grown adult in a few months, based on how fast she’s growing.

MA: Werewolves are really nannies. Who knew? Why didn’t someone tell Lon Chaney Jr.? Larry Talbot would have made the perfect baby guardian. Look, it’s Uncle Larry! Of course, when the moon was full, he’d have eaten the kid, but he would have been good for a little while, anyway.

Werewolves protecting little kids? And people want to know what’s wrong with this series? Sheesh!

LS: And don’t forget the imprint thing. Sounds like a certain shirtless werewolf might end up on a sex offenders website if he isn’t careful. He better wait until she’s at least 18….er, days…old before he consummates their passion.

So the Voltari are coming to slaughter the Cullens. The Cullens have gathered allies to speak on their behalf, or fight for them if necessary, and the werewolves have pledged to help. And that’s the story in a nutshell.

MA: In a nutshell? It must belong to a coconut. That’s one detailed synopsis. Do we really need to know that much about this movie?

LS: Are you knocking my synopsis?

MA: No, it’s a terrific synopsis. It’s just making me relive some things I’d rather forget— like the entire plot.

LS: You mean you weren’t intrigued by questions like: Will the Cullens survive? Will the Voltari listen to reason? Will Jacob take off his shirt? Well, I can answer the last question: Jacob will definitely take off his shirt! And simpletons in the audience will “ooh” and “ahh” like they always do.

I thought BREAKING DAWN PART 2 was very telling. I have now sat through five TWILIGHT movies, and you would think that, after all this time, I would have grown to care about these characters, and be concerned about what happens to them. But the truth is, I hate all of these characters just as much as I did before. BREAKING DAWN PART 2 is not going to win over any new fans.

MA: That’s a good point. These characters have been so annoying for so long throughout this series that I can barely stand to look at them, let alone watch a movie about them. And I didn’t find the three lead characters to be quite as an annoying in this movie, yet, it didn’t matter. Based upon the previous movies, I just didn’t care about these folks.

That’s pretty bad. As you said, you’d expect characters in a series to grow on you, not grate on you.

LS: Of course, that doesn’t really matter, because the fans of the series who already exist are more than enough. I actually got my ticket online before the showing, because the past few times a TWILIGHT movie has come out, all the showings on the first day sold out immediately. But even though I bought my ticket in advance this time, I still had to stand in a long line before they let us into the theater (even with tickets!) and the place was pretty packed. So this series has just as many—if not more— hardcore fans as ever.

But in all seriousness, I thought this movie was excruciating to sit through. We’ve seen worse movies this year—the latest RESIDENT EVIL movie comes to mind—but TWILIGHT is the only series that consistently bores the hell out of me every time I sit through another chapter. I still think Bella is irritating and I have no clue what Edward or Jacob see in her. I think Edward and Jacob are morons. I think the Cullen family is a snooze. And I really hate the Voltari—who are lame-ass villains—even though their number includes Dakota Fanning as Jane and Michael Sheen as Aro, two actors I normally like.

And there’s some new stuff this time around. It turns out a lot of these vampires have super powers. As if being a super-strong, blood-drinking vampire wasn’t enough! One guy can shoot fire from his hands. Another one can shoot out tendrils of darkness that can blind or suffocate someone. Other ones can foretell the future, create electric shocks or create shields around themselves.

Who knew these sparkly vampires were really THE X-MEN!

I actually found this “look at my cool powers!” aspect to be extra annoying, since there’s no logical reason for these extra powers.

(THE SCENE suddenly SHIFTS to a field of colorful wildflowers. BELLA and EDWARD are sitting in the flowers, snuggling and giggling)

BELLA: Oh God, I love you so much.

EDWARD: And I, you.

BELLA: I love you so much it hurts. I love love love you.

EDWARD: Oh, how I love the word Love.

BELLA: It’s is a lovely word, isn’t it? And it’s so wonderful to be this much in love.

(SHOT moves to JACOB and RENESMEE, sitting in a different part of the garden)

JACOB: And I love you, too, little Renesmee. You’re just a toddler now, but soon we’ll be lovers and I’ll sweep you up in my arms and we can have long-winded conversations about love, like Edward and Bella.

RENESSEE: Uncle Jacob, you’re really starting to creep me out, man. Besides, I hate the name Renesmee. It sounds stupid. I much prefer to be called HONEY BOO BOO.

JACOB: Anything you wish, oh love of my life. Oh joy of my jowls. Oops, I spilled some Kool-ade on my shirt. Would you mind if I take it off? This stain offends me so.

RENESMEE A BOO BOO: Oh boy. Do what you gotta do, buster.

(THE SCENE returns to the graveyard. LS is off to one side, vomiting)

MA: Ahem, the camera is back on us again.

LS: Oh, sorry (wipes his mouth)

I’m also sick of the exaggerated emotions and affectations of the main characters here. Everyone is in love in big CAPITAL LETTERS. The characters are pretentious, sappy, and stupid. At least Bella and Edward get to have some sex in the BREAKING DAWN movies. After three movies before that where the two of them were forever locked in torturous abstinence, it’s nice to at least see them go at it, even if it’s all very sanitized and romanticized. What a tasteful nibble of a neck. What a very safe interlocking of naked limbs with not a glimpse of any naughty bits…

The audience I saw it with was so emotionally invested in these dumb characters that it was embarrassing. They had reactions that were as exaggerated as the characters on the screen. And they laughed at everything – even things that weren’t funny. Like everything out of Bella (and Edward and Jacob)’s mouth was the most clever, witty dialogue ever written. Let me tell you a secret – it wasn’t. The only scene that struck me as even mildly amusing was one where Jacob takes his clothes off in front of Bella’s father, Charlie (Billy Burke) to show him how he turns into a big CGI wolf, and Charlie looks very uncomfortable, wondering if he just stepped into a scene from MAGIC MIKE. But otherwise, it wasn’t as clever or as emotionally charged as the audience pretended it was.

MA: Yes, that was a funny scene. Hey, after five movies, they got a scene right!

LS: I really, truly hate this series. And seeing the saga finally come to an end filled me with joy. I give this movie one knife for the fact that the story is finally over alone! Otherwise, there’s nothing here I can recommend. It’s complete crap.

What did you think, Michael?

MA: Well, the best thing I can say for this movie is that it’s the first TWILIGHT movie that didn’t bore me to tears, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. It means that for once, things actually happened in this movie. They may have been stupid things — like lame vampire superheroes— but they were things. See, usually, these movies are so dull I start chomping on my fingernails once the popcorn is gone. My fingernails survived this installment.

Another positive is BREAKING DAWN PART 2 gets all of its whining out of the way early. Bella whines at Jacob because he imprinted on her baby daughter. Now, in past movies, we’d have to suffer through multiple scenes of Bella’s angst. She’d talk about it with Edward. She talk about it with Jacob. She’d go back and talk to Edward some more. Edward and Jacob would talk. Blah, blah, blah. But here in BREAKING DAWN PART 2, it’s one and done. That’s a good thing.

They also got the boring “Bella talks to her dad” scenes out of the way early as well.

That’s because in this movie, there’s actually a plot and things actually happen. There’s a build-up to a big battle showdown. Did I enjoy this build up? Not really. But somehow this one just wasn’t as painful. And of course there’s a big bloodbath at the end— not really. It’s a pretty lame battle. You’ll find more intense stuff in a Disney movie.

The acting is what you’d expect, although I have to admit the three leads didn’t annoy me as much this time around. I think it’s because they spoke less in this movie. The closest thing I came to enjoying a performance was watching Michael Sheen ham it up as Aro. His over-the-top performance is one of the movies few highlights.

LS: He actually has a couple of funny scenes this time. I can’t blame the guy for wanting a decent paycheck.

MA: Director Bill Condon could have easily filmed BREAKING DAWN as one movie as opposed to dragging it out into two parts. PART 1, basically a wedding, could have been condensed in about 15 minutes of screen time. PART 2 is definitely better, but again, this isn’t saying much.

Melissa Rosenberg wrote the screenplay, and she wrote the screenplays for the entire series. Not something I’d want on my resume.

LS: But I’m sure she’s happy it’s on hers. These movies made a shitload of money!

MA: It’s funny, here we have this paranormal romance, this love story, this love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob, but what is the series finale about? Vampires with superpowers and the meddling Voltari. The love triangle was resolved movies ago.

LS: And it was never much of a triangle. We always knew Bella had the hots for Edward. Her relationship with Jacob was always just an intense friendship. She never returned Jacob’s feelings like he wanted her to. So the triangle angle was almost kind of forced, don’t you think.

MA: Yep. To me, this just shows that this love story wasn’t much to begin with. You’d think this series would be driven by a tale of unbelievable love, but it’s not, which just reinforces the ridiculousness of building a “saga” around these characters.

But, hey, at the end of the day, the TWILIGHT series will long be remembered for featuring the cutest werewolves ever! One day, when Disney buys the franchise, we’ll see little Jacob-werewolf-nannies on the shelf next to Winnie the Pooh.

It goes without saying, but I am overjoyed that this series is finally over. That being said, this last installment, TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2, didn’t torture me with mind-numbing boredom, and as you said at the outset, we’ve seen worse movies this year.

I give it two knives.

LS: Fair enough. You’re much more generous than me this time around. Maybe you’re just relieved it’s finally over…

Or maybe your heart has finally let the love in…

MA: I don’t think so.

LS: Of course, the way it ends, the storyline could always be continued. And there could be spin-offs…and you know the studios will seriously consider it…but for now, this moment in time, let’s pretend like TWILIGHT is really over. That we never have to see another TWILIGHT movie again. And, for the moment, let’s sparkle with happiness.

MA: Now let’s go somewhere and celebrate!

LS: Sounds good. (Looks at TWILIGHT tombstone.) It’s hard to believe. We’ve buried the TWILIGHT movies forever.

MA: It’s about time.

LS: That celebration is long overdue. Let’s get out of here.

(MA & LS exit. From behind a gravestone appear a young man and his hunchbacked assistant. The young man carries a shovel, the hunchback a camera. They dig up the grave. The young man holds a TWILIGHT DVD in his hand.)

YOUNG MAN: It’s just resting. Waiting for a new life to come!

HUNCHBACK: Yes, master.

YOUNG MAN: We shall give it life again. We shall re-make them!

(Loud groans and wails are heard off-camera): Nooooooooooooooooo!!

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 ~ two knives!

LL Soares gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 ~one knife!

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Quick Cuts Presents: THE GREAT TWILIGHT SEND-OFF!

Posted in 2012, Quick Cuts, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves with tags Breaking Dawn, kristen stewart, Quick Cuts, robert pattinson, Sparkles, taylor lautner, twilight, Vampires on November 16, 2012 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS: THE GREAT TWILIGHT SEND-OFF!
Featuring Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Jenny Orosel, Mark Onspaugh and Paul McMahon

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Well, this Friday, November 16, the final installment of the TWILIGHT series opens in theaters, TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART II. Don’t everybody cry at once!

So, here’s this week’s QUICK CUTS question: if you could devise an appropriate send-off for the TWILIGHT series, what would it be?

Our panel responds:

JENNY OROSEL: The whole vampire sparkly family takes a vacation to New York just in time to meet up with the giant tentacled alien from the end of the WATCHMEN comic book. That would be sweet.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Very sweet!

MARK ONSPAUGH: Anyone directly responsible for the movies and all the die-hard, crying on their vlog, Sparkle-Vamp-worshipping fans would be locked in a warehouse-turned-theater and strapped to “old school” wooden seats. The Twilight series would play round the clock – IV’s of stage blood and popcorn “butter” for sustenance and astronaut diapers all around… The rest of the world would celebrate as every book and DVD is recycled into clean fertilizer to feed a starving world.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Ouch! But oh-so-appropriate!

PAUL MCMAHON: I’m going to quietly watch the TWILIGHT SAGA sail away. I will celebrate by visiting a large cathedral and lighting a prayer request candle. While it burns, I’m going to kneel and bow my head and say a novena that the Hollywood Gods Who Develop Book Series Into Movie Series seize the opportunity to create an awesome string of kick-ass films based on Jonathan Maberry’s JOE LEDGER books. Anyone want to join me?

The Joe Ledger series

MICHAEL ARRUDA: We’ll meet you at the door.

As for me, really, in all seriousness, there is no better send-off than the knowledge that I will never have to sit through one of these movies again. This in itself is a celebration. When I walk out of the theater after the end credits roll, I might even cry, I’ll be so happy!

L.L. SOARES: Don’t go celebrating just yet. I heard a rumor that Stephenie Meyer, creator of the Twilight series, was in discussions to figure out a way to keep the franchise going…More sequels? A spin-off? I have no idea – but you know the studios aren’t going to put this cash cow to pasture any sooner than they have to.

(Pops open a bottle of champagne) So we may not have to say good-bye after all! I know Michael will be so relieved…

MICHAEL ARRUDA (ignores him): Did you say something, LL? I’m having trouble hearing you!

In the meantime, go forth all you moviegoers and do your duty by seeing something else!

Thanks for joining us. Have a good night, everybody!

—END—

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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS – NOVEMBER 2012

Posted in 2012, Coming Attractions, Hit Men, Martial Arts, Vampires with tags Breaking Dawn, Coming Attraction, hit men, Iron Fists, Killing Them Softly, Kung Fu Movies, RZA, twilight, Vampires on November 3, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
NOVEMBER 2012
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: A lavishly decorated bedroom. Several beautiful Asian women lay on a huge bed. L.L. SOARES karate chops his way through the bedroom door.)

ASIAN WOMAN: Can we interest you in some pleasure?

L.L. SOARES: You’re business. (Lifts axe above his head.) This is pleasure. (Swings axe, and women run away, screaming in terror.)

(MICHAEL ARRUDA enters the room.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Scaring the women away again, I see.

LS: At least I’m trying to scare them. What’s your excuse?

MA: Huh?

LS: When was the last time you went on a date?

MA: Shh! I’m too busy watching all these movies. Speaking of which, it’s time for our November Coming Attractions column. There are some interesting movies this month.

We kick things off this weekend with a review of THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS. I have to say, I’m really looking forward to this one, as the trailer is pretty cool. It looks like it’s going to be a hoot.

Directed by RZA of hip hop fame, with a screenplay by Eli Roth and RZA, this actioner takes place in feudal China and features assassins, warriors, and soldiers all fighting over a treasure of gold. It stars Russell Crowe, RZA, and Lucy Liu.

Based on its stylish and high-octane trailer, this one looks like fun.

LS: What’s not to love? I’m a big fan of RZA and the Wu-Tang Clan, I’m a big fan of Eli Roth, and this one is produced by Quentin Tarantino. It looks a little one of those super-stylized martial arts flicks, like Tarantino’s KILL BILL movies, and it should be a great time.

I hope it lives up to our expectations.

MA: On November 9, the action continues with our review of the new James Bond flick, SKYFALL. I’m actually reviewing this one with Nick Cato. (turns to LS) Do you have something against James Bond or something?

LS: Not really. I’ve just never been a big fan of the series. I know some people are nuts for James Bond movies, but I’ve found a lot of them to be kind of…well…boring. Truth is, I think Daniel Craig is great in the role, and I liked him a lot in CASINO ROYALE (2006), but I figured that the new one should be reviewed by hardcore fans, and I know you dig the series. And I know Nick is a huge fan, too. So I decided to sit this one out and let two Bondies review the new movie.

MA: Bondies?

LS: Or whatever it is you Bond fans call yourselves. Bondians? Besides, it gives me a weekend off.

MA: I remember not knowing what to expect with the first Daniel Craig Bond movie, CASINO ROYALE, because I’d heard they had made lots of changes, but I ended up loving that film and enjoying the next one QUANTUM OF SOLACE (2008) even more.

I enjoyed Craig’s interpretation of Bond: a much grittier, darker hero, than the previous Bonds, and he’s as rough and tough as Sean Connery’s original interpretation of 007. The two Craig Bond movies really didn’t play like previous Bond films. The filmmakers deviated from the traditional Bond formula, and the films were better for it.

The only thing I’m concerned about is I enjoyed the previous two films so much, I wonder if this film will be as good? Of course, there have been so many James Bond movies, and they have a proven track record, so I’m reasonably confident this movie is going to be good.

In addition to Daniel Craig as James Bond, the cast also includes notable actors Javier Bardem, who won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN in 2007, Ralph Fiennes, Albert Finney, and Judi Dench, who returns for the seventh time as M.

LS: On 11/16, we’ll be reviewing TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART II.

(MA groans).

LS: Don’t worry, it’s almost over. BREAKING DAWN PART II is the final film in the TWILIGHT series. At least I hope it is. You should be proud of yourself. We’ve sat through every single movie in the TWILIGHT franchise. That’s quite an accomplishment! We can’t just walk away and not watch the final one.

MA: Why not?

LS: Because the fans expect us to see it and review it. And, most likely, rip it to shreds.

MA: I have nothing to say about this one, other than I can’t believe I’m still alive after having to sit through the previous movies in this series. God-awful, and then some!

The weekend of 11/23, Thanksgiving weekend, has a couple of movies that might be of interest. First, LIFE OF PI opens on 11/21. I don’t know much about this one, other than it’s directed by Ang Lee and looks to be some sort of fantasy. Then there’s the remake of RED DAWN also opening that weekend.

LS: I think it’s a long-shot if we review either one. Most likely we’ll take that weekend off. Even we deserve a holiday. Besides, if no one else on the staff reviews them, we’ll no doubt have something else cooked up for our readers.

And we finish the month with a review of KILLING THEM SOFTLY, which opens on November 30. This one has Brad Pitt and James Gandolfini as hit men who are called in to handle some yahoos who robbed a mob-run poker game. It actually looks pretty cool.

MA: I agree that this one looks good. It looks like a hard-edged crime thriller, and it’s got a solid cast. Along with Pitt and Gandolfini, there’s Richard Jenkins, Ray Liotta, and Sam Shepard.

It should be a strong way to finish the month.

Okay, that wraps things up for November. We’ll see you on Monday with our review of THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS.

LS: Thanks for joining us, and we’ll see you again soon.

—END—

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Cinema Knife Fight Presents: THE WORST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Ghosts!, LL Soares Reviews, Michael Arruda Reviews, Vampires, Werewolves, Worst-Of lists with tags cinema knife fight, Daniel Craig, ghosts, twilight, Vampires, Werewolves, Worst of 2011 on January 3, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: WORST OF 2011
By MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES

(THE SCENE: A majestic movie theater, filled with well-dressed guests. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES sit on the stage in front of the movie screen.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome back to the second half of our end of the year column. Last time out, L.L. and I gave you our picks for the TOP 5 BEST FILMS of 2011. Now it’s time for us to unleash our picks for the WORST 5 MOVIES OF 2011.

L.L. SOARES: For the BEST OF column, our audience was filled with personalities from the movies we saw, all hoping for a chance to be selected as one of the year’s best. Let’s see how many brave souls have stuck with us now that we’re uncovering the stinkers of the year.

(Camera pans over audience, which is still filled to capacity, and includes superheroes, apes, aliens, vampires, cowboys, assassins, and Daniel Craig, busy having a 3-way conversation with a Goth girl with a tattoo, some cowboys and aliens, and some ghosts.)

LS: Still packed? These guys are braver than I thought.

MA: I think that giant cannon you have aimed at the exit has something to do with it.

LS: You think?

MA: Let’s get this party started. You went first last time, so I’ll go first this time. Again, tonight we’re looking at our picks for the TOP 5 WORST MOVIES OF 2011. My pick for Number 5 is—(reaches into his jacket and begins to pull out an envelope. An arrow flies by his head, piercing the screen behind him. MA puts the envelope back into his jacket.)

DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT. This was one weird movie, an attempt to bring horror and comedy together that just didn’t work. Based on an Italian comic book, this bizarre tale of a private detective, played by Brandon Routh, who makes it his business to keep the peace among the city’s warring population of vampires and werewolves, wasn’t funny enough to be a successful comedy, not quirky enough to be campy, and it wasn’t scary at all. Plus it told a far-fetched story that was hard to swallow.

I also hated the title, as it makes the movie sound like a kid’s cartoon. Coming up next: DYLAN DOG AND SCOOBY DOO MEET THE SPACE GHOST! Gag!

Granted, I didn’t hate this movie, but it was so mediocre, mild, and underwhelming, there’s no way I could keep it off this list.

LS: Well, I can’t chime in here, because I didn’t see this one. Although I did hear it was pretty bad. Thanks for confirming that – so I don’t have to see it.

My Number 5 pick for Worst Movie of 2011 is PRIEST. I had to sit through the trailer like 14 times (I think the movie’s release date was delayed a few times). The trailer showed us the entire story. So, by the time I saw the movie, I already felt like I’d seen it 15 times already! And every single time —it sucked. In a future where the Vatican has taken over the world, vampires are the big threat that church-trained assassins have to take down. Based on an anime. Sponsored by Ambien. I can’t tell you how excruciating this was to sit through. Easily one of the most boring movies of 2011. I just didn’t care about any of the characters at all.

MA: I’m with you. In fact, I think I disliked PRIEST more than you did, since it’s a little closer to Stinker Number 1 on my list. So, I’ll comment more on this one in a bit.

LS: My Number 4 pick is THE ROOMMATE. Take Barbette Schroeder’s SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, cast it with younger girls and have it take place on a college campus—oh yeah, and make it as dumb as possible—stir briskly, and you have this awful, cliché attempt at a horror movie, starring TV actresses Leighton Meester from GOSSIP GIRL and Minka Kelly from the short-lived CHARLIE’S ANGELS reboot. I heard that director Christian E. Christiansen was deported back to Denmark after he made this one. (just kidding). But man, it was awful.

MA: This one didn’t bug me as much as it bugged you. I remember it being more mediocre than awful. I also remember liking the acting in this one, especially the two leads, Meester and Kelly. While you hated THE ROOMMATE, I just found it VERY average.

It narrowly missed the cut for my TOP 10 Worst Movies of 2011.

My pick for Number 4 is DREAM HOUSE starring Daniel Craig. Craig has had a notable year. We saw him in three movies this year, and all of them made our lists. COWBOYS AND ALIENS made my Top 5 Best Movies List, and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO made your Top 5 Best Movies List. But with DREAM HOUSE, he hits rock bottom. To be fair, Craig is fine in this movie, so it’s not him. It’s everything else.

LS: Yeah, right.

MA: Of course, the most notorious thing about DREAM HOUSE was its trailer, which gave away a major plot twist! This twist takes place about half-way through the movie, and since I knew about it beforehand, the first half of this movie was a complete waste of time. Nice going guys! Way to go! Give away the film’s major plot twist before the audience sees the movie!

But even without this spoiler, the film is pretty lame. Craig plays a writer who quits his position at a publishing house to write a novel and in so doing spend more time with his family. Of course, family time becomes spooky time as they seem to be visited by ghosts, but there’s a twist (which those of us who saw the trailer already knew), and what Craig learns horrifies him and changes the plot’s direction, as he seeks out not a ghost but a murderer who’s very much alive.

DREAM HOUSE is supposed to be a haunted house/ghost story, but the ghostly elements are all peripheral at best. It eventually becomes more of a psychological thriller, but it fails here too because it’s not very thrilling. David Loucka’s weak screenplay is eventually done in by an even more ridiculous and extremely convoluted ending.

DREAM HOUSE is a complete fail. I didn’t like it at all.

LS: Well, I have to agree with you there, except I hated it even more than you did. DREAM HOUSE was Number 2 on my list. So I’ll get to it later.

MA: Number 3 on my list for Worst Movies of 2011 is the awful thriller PRIEST, which you already talked about, since it was Number 5 on your list.

I can sum up what’s wrong with this one just by reviewing its plot. PRIEST takes place in an alternate world where vampires and humans have battled for centuries, but the humans have finally won the battle because they have a secret weapon: warrior priests. Nuff said. Actually, the story goes on as the vampires kidnap the niece of the most famous priest warrior, and he of course must rescue her. Blah, blah, blah.

PRIEST has a horrible story, unexciting visuals, no character development, and the icing on the cake? It was in 3D.

PRIEST was one of the more forgettable movies of the year. In fact, I’ve already forgotten about it. You should too.

LS: Dammit, I forgot that PRIEST was in 3D, so we had to even pay extra money to be bored to death!! Yeah, this one smelled so bad the projectionist had to wear a gas mask.

My Number 3 pick is a movie I was excited to see beforehand. And it was a complete letdown. I’m talking about PAUL. I was actually looking forward to this one. It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the stars of such great indie comedies as SHAUN OF THE DEAD and HOT FUZZ. Unfortunately Pegg’s co-writer and director on those movies, Edgar Wright, has nothing to do with PAUL. Maybe that’s why it’s so damn awful. This time around, the director is Greg Mottola (who actually directed SUPERBAD and ADVENTURELAND, so he’s not that bad!), and this one is a big mis-step for everyone involved. Pegg and Frost play two sci-fi nerds who pick up an escaped alien in their RV in the middle of the desert. The creature, named Paul, has the voice of Seth Rogan and looks like your typical gray, big-headed Roswell extraterrestrial. In theory, this sounds pretty good, but the movie itself has almost zero laughs, except for Kristen Wiig as a fundamentalist’s daughter who has a hard time accepting that there’s other intelligent life in the universe. But otherwise, you can hear the crickets. Some movies just should never have been made.

MA: I didn’t see PAUL. I forget the reason I wasn’t available to review it that weekend, but after reading your negative review, I decided to skip it altogether, or at least save it for a rental.

LS: My Number 2 pick is a movie you’ve already talked about – DREAM HOUSE. Daniel Craig lives in a house with the ghosts of his wife and daughters. Daniel Craig finds out that he used to be in a sanitarium, but he doesn’t remember it. Daniel Craig finds out everyone thinks that he killed his family. Daniel Craig solves the mystery. Meanwhile—I struggle not to nod off. This movie had a lot of twists and turns, but in the end it all amounted to a big pile of stupid. Easily the worst movie Daniel Craig has made so far.

MA: I can’t argue with you there.

My pick for the Second Worst Film of 2011, A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS.

As much as I’ve really enjoyed the recent slate of raunchy Rated R comedies to hit the big screen in the past few years, I didn’t like this one. I have no problem with raunchiness as long as it’s funny, and that was the major problem I had with this movie: it wasn’t funny. The gags were vulgar and raunchy, but they weren’t making me laugh, and I guess the point I’m making is it wasn’t because they were vulgar and raunchy; it was because the comedy just wasn’t sharp.

I know they were going for the Cheech and Chong-style humor here, but there were far too many drug references. Again, it’s not the fact that it was a drug reference. It was that it wasn’t funny. They did the same thing with male genitalia. Every joke either ended as a drug reference or a male genitalia reference. Can’t make this joke work? Hmm. Let’s just end it with a line about getting high, or have someone say something like “Hey, is that your dick?” Lowest common denominator, bottom of the barrel writing.

And it was in 3D no less. Ugh! A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS makes coal in a stocking look pretty good!

LS: I liked the very first HAROLD AND KUMAR movie. I didn’t see the second one. And I’m sorry I saw this one. I actually like the characters, but you’re right, this one was not funny. I think I laughed twice. And the preachy “these stoners need to grow up and be responsible adults” storyline just bored the hell out of me. I don’t see a HAROLD AND KUMAR movie to see responsible adults. I see it because I want to laugh. But their 3D CHRISTMAS movie didn’t make me laugh enough.

Well, on to my Number 1 pick. And it is THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1. I know this is an obvious choice—but it really was the worst movie I saw in 2011. With no real plot (except Bella gets married, Bella gets pregnant, Bella has a baby) to speak of. Boring doesn’t begin to describe this one. And it’s so bad they had to cut it into two parts, so we’re not even done with the TWILIGHT series yet. NOOOOOOO! I was just surprised it wasn’t in 3D.

MA: My pick for the WORST MOVIE of 2011? No surprise, it’s also THE TWILIGHT SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1.

If I could just shriek right now, that would just about cover my feelings, both towards this movie and the entire series. And as you said, it’s not done yet! We have one more of these turkeys due out in 2012! Someone stop the madness!

I haven’t liked any of the TWILIGHT movies, but I may have hated this one most of all. First off, what an awful title! It takes longer to say the title than to summarize its plot! Moody girl marries bland vampire, pregnancy troubles follow. There you go folks. Let’s move on to Part 2 and hope we can add the tag line, “and everybody dies.” That would be a satisfactory ending.

LS: The ONLY satisfactory ending. Except, since most of the characters are vampires, dying wouldn’t get rid of them.

MA: THE TWILIGHT SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1 was yet another awful entry in probably the most boring movie series I’ve ever watched in my life. The first third of this movie is simply a wedding. Then it moves on to Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon—can you stand all this excitement? —and then it finishes with Bella’s life being in danger due to complications arising from her supernatural pregnancy.

There are too many things wrong with this movie (and this series) to talk about here, but I’ll just summarize them all by saying none of the other movies on my list today even come close to the dread inspired by this horrid waste of film. I know these movies appeal to a very specific niche, and that’s fine, but would it be too much to ask to offer something— some spark of creativity, humor, horror, anything!— to make it palatable to those of us outside this niche? Because as these movies stand now, they offer nothing to the general audience of moviegoers, other than an-after viewing headache due to overwhelming boredom.

I’d rather sit through Breaking Wind than BREAKING DAWN.

LS: Well, at least we agreed on the Worst Movie of 2011. You know there are a lot of bad movies in a year when SCREAM 4 comes out, and it doesn’t make my Top 5 of the worst movies.

MA: How true that is! I really thought I’d see SCREAM 4 on your Top 5 list. It was Number 7 on my list.

LS: It was Number 6 on mine.

MA: Well, that wraps up another year of movies here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT. With the exception of the movies we discussed today, I’d say that, all in all, 2011 was a very good year for movies.

LS: Well, as usual, I had a Top 10 of Worst films, rather than a Top 5. So there were a lot more bad movies than just these. But I’ll list the rest of mine in a separate column .

MA: Yeah, I had more than five on my WORST list too, but I also had a whole bunch of movies that I really liked, close to 20, on my BEST OF list. That’s more than usual for me, which is why I said it was a good year for movies.

MA: Thanks everybody for joining us. We’ll see you in 2012!

(The cannon explodes, blowing a huge hole through the exit doors.)

MA (to LS): What did you do that for?

LS: I just wanted to get the New Year started with a bang!

MA: Okie-dokie. Well, folks, there you have it. Another explosive ending to a CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT column.

(Everyone in the room runs screaming through the hole to get away)

—END—

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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Just Plain Bad, Sequels, Twilight Saga, Vampires, Werewolves with tags Breaking Dawn, Just Plain AWFUL, kristen stewart, Robert Pattison, taylor lautner, twilight, Vampires, Werewolves on November 21, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 (2011)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A clearing in the forest, richly decorated for a wedding party. As a young bride and groom prepare to exchange vows before their adoring guests, which include family members, vampires and werewolves, a twin-engine plane flies by low overhead. Inside the plane are MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES. )

(MA hurls tomatoes down at the crowd, while LS fires coconuts at them. Amidst the gasps and screams, they spot a film crew and take particular care to pelt the movie makers.)

MA (shrieking): STOP MAKING THESE MOVIES!!

LS (shouting crazily): DIE! YOU SICK BASTARDS! (Bonks the director on the head with a large coconut.)

(DISSOLVE to a tropical island setting. On a beautiful picturesque beach, an elegant beach house awaits the bride and groom. A banner flies overhead which reads “Welcome Vampire Lovers! Werewolves please check your shirts at the door.”)

(The twin engine plane has landed on the beach. LS approaches the beach house alone.)

LS: Hey, Michael! Where the hell are you? One second he’s with me, and the next he’s gone! He sure is acting weird today. I’ve never seen him this upset. I know he didn’t want to review this new TWILIGHT movie, but he better have not chickened out on me. I don’t feel like doing this review alone.

(The door to the beach house is open, and LS enters.)

LS: Michael? You in here?

(A frying pan flies across the room and plunks LS in the head.)

LS: What the—?

MA (looking crazed): You son of a bitch! This is all your fault!

LS: Calm down! (looks at bent frying pan) Now look what you did. You ruined a perfectly good frying pan!

MA: “Let’s review BREAKING DAWN,” you said! “We owe it to our readers,” you said!

LS: It’s true!

MA: I don’t care! I hate these movies and never want to see another one again! You bastard! (Fires a giant spatula at LS, who ducks out of the way.)

LS: Hey! This is good kitchen equipment you’re ruining!

MA: Too bad! I want you to say it!

LS: Say what?

MA: That we’re never seeing another TWILIGHT movie again.

LS: I can’t say that. Besides, there’s only one more. (A ladle flies past LS’s head and crashes through a window.) You know I’m right. You just need to calm down and start thinking with a clear head. (Three giant onions whiz through the air towards LS. He catches one and starts eating it like an apple.) Brings tears to my eyes. Look, the sooner we finish this review, the sooner we don’t have to talk about it anymore. Want me to start? Would that help?

MA: NO! I’m starting. I’m gonna make this as quick as possible. I’m not wasting any more of our time on this crap.

LS: Take a deep breath and settle yourself down. Here, want an onion?

MA: NO, I DON’T WANT AN ONION! (takes a deep breath) As you can see, I’m crying already. (takes another deep breath)

Okay, I can do this. I’m ready.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1 is—first of all, what a ridiculous title! Who calls a movie a saga? Really, imagine if George Lucas had done the same: THE STAR WARS SAGA: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK – EPISODE 5 PART 1 SEGMENT 2 STARS 4. Idiocy!

Anyway, this latest installment of the TWILIGHT SAGA, as you would expect, picks up where the last one left off. Bella (Kristin Stewart) and vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) are getting married, so the first third of this movie is—the wedding. Now, doesn’t that sound exciting?

LS (snoring and suddenly wakes up): Wha? What? I swear I wasn’t sleeping!

MA: At the very least, jilted werewolf lover Jacob (Taylor Lautner) —who, by the way, wastes no time taking his shirt off, as it is ripped off within the first few seconds of this movie!—could show up to wreak some jealous havoc, but we can’t even have that. No, the ever-so-noble Edward actually arranges for his arrival as a surprise for his sweetheart Bella. Can I vomit now?

LS (vomits into a bucket): Okay, now you can have it (Hands MA the bucket)

Yeah, in the very first scene Jacob runs out of the house, rips off his shirt and turns into a giant lame-ass CGI wolf, running into the woods. Why is he so upset? Because he got an in invitation to Bella’s wedding! He’s lost her forever! Boo hoo! But when he pulls off his shirt, all the tweeners in the audience screamed. Let’s face it; this guy doesn’t have to be able to act. What he does isn’t acting, it’s undressing.

And yeah, you’d think from this first scene that he’s all angry about the wedding, but he still gladly shows up at the wedding reception as Edward’s secret “wedding gift” for Bella. Jacob and Bella even dance together in the woods, as Edward looks on.

How friggin stupid!

MA: After the wedding, as logic dictates, it’s time for the honeymoon, on a tropical island much like this one, so the second third of the movie is—the honeymoon. How’s that for excitement? Still with me folks? I thought I might have lost you since this is such thrilling stuff.

LS (reading a book): What? Are you still doing the review?

MA: Now for the fun part (Not really….The fun part was when I ran out of the theater screaming as soon as the end credits began to roll.) Bella strangely becomes pregnant, and immediately starts “showing”—which, of course, isn’t possible because they just consummated their marriage like a second ago—but it turns out the pregnancy is very “wrong,” as they somehow know that Bella is carrying a strange baby, even though they haven’t taken her to see a doctor.

LS: I have never seen a series that is more anti-sex than the TWILIGHT SAGA. Up until now, Edward refuses to have sex with Bella because he’s afraid he’ll hurt or kill her, because he’s this big strong vampire and she’s a fragile little human. So what happens on the first night of their honeymoon? They have sex. Why couldn’t they have done this before? Edward promises to be as gentle as he can, and the house gets trashed in the process—wow, what a passionate lover! (LS yawns) —yet Bella isn’t harmed or killed. So I guess all of the teasing the series has done up to this point was complete crap.

But there has to be a reason why sex is still bad, so Bella gets suddenly pregnant with a monster baby that is eating up all the nutrients in her body and making her sicker and sicker, and supposedly they barely did it! To have full-on, complete sex, they have to both be vampires. So even a tiny bit of sex is enough to ruin Bella’s life! Maybe she should have really considered becoming a nun!

But they are both soooooo in love!

I have never seen characters like this before. The scariest thing in all of the TWILIGHT movies isn’t vampires or werewolves. It’s sex! These movies seriously need to grow up.

MA: Suddenly, Bella’s life is in danger, and so all of Edward’s vampire family—and Jacob and his werewolf buddies—rush to her aid for the final third of the movie, where Bella is sick in bed while the world waits on her hand and foot.

I think I’ll throw up now.

LS: Again? Please turn your head. These are new shoes.

But you didn’t mention that the werewolves aren’t really there to help or protect Bella (except for Jacob and two of his dopey sidekicks). The rest of the werewolves are hanging around because they’re there to kill Bella and her unborn child. Why?

It’s some kind of violation of the treaty between vampires and werewolves for Bella to have a hybrid baby, or some such garbage.

MA: And that’s why I didn’t mention it. Because I would have had to say the words “vampire/werewolf treaty.”

LS: I never fully understood why they couldn’t just leave her alone. They’re supposed to try to prevent her from having the child—but the Cullen clan and Jacob protect her—and then, once the child is born, they’re supposed to kill it. Why don’t they just go back to playing football without their shirts? I never saw such stupid werewolves in my life. Why do they even care?

MA: This movie is so bad and so stupid I’m really having a difficult time even standing here talking about it, because, really, there’s nothing more to say than it sucks and don’t waste your time or money.

But if you really want to know what’s wrong with it, read on.

There’s not a single character I like in this series. They’re all incredibly shallow and boring. And Edward’s vampire family has got to be the saddest vampire clan in movie history. First off, their make-up is ridiculous. They’re all pale with incredibly bad haircuts, they look like vampires. How is it possible that nobody in the “real world” of this movie knows they’re vampires? Of course, the werewolves have no problem knowing who’s a vampire and who isn’t, meaning the humans in this series must be incredibly stupid.

LS: That goes without saying. All of the human characters (like Bella’s friends and family) are mostly around to act dumb and provide comic relief.

But you’re right—the vampire are so obviously vampires with their incredibly pale skin which just looks like clown make-up. They’re just stupid-looking. Oh yeah, and red contact lenses when they’re angry. Spoooky! Oh, and they carry around big heavy things like they’re superheroes. Wow.

At least I don’t see them “sparkling” in the sunlight anymore. I guess they forgot about that in this installment of the saga.

As far as there not being one single good character in the series, I disagree. I still like Jessica Cullen (Anna Kendrick), only because I think Kendrick is the cutest chick in the movie, and she can actually act (although she isn’t given much chance to do that). I have no desire to talk about any of the other characters, though, because they’re all pretty boring.

MA: Bella, Edward, and Jacob have to be the dullest love triangle in film history. They wouldn’t know passion if it came up and bit them in the ass. I’d believe The Three Tenors had fallen in love before I buy the feelings of these three!

These three characters are about as fleshed out and well-written as three blind mice. The performances don’t help either. Robert Pattinson as Edward is the best of the three, but Edward the vampire is so vanilla-boring he makes Bela Lugosi seem like Hannibal Lector. His “noble character” shtick makes me sick. In a flashback, where we learn more of Edward’s past, we see that he killed and drank blood from murderers only, and even though Bella points out that he probably saved some lives by killing these bad guys, Edward still feels guilty about it. “But they were still human beings!” Hand me another barf bag, please!

LS: All three of these characters are so good and so noble, why don’t they just have a threesome already, since they’re all so loveable? Or better yet, how about some monster hunter finally shows up and puts them out of their misery? God, I hate these characters!

MA: Kristen Stewart, who I believe can act, is just so damn annoying as Bella. Her face seems permanently stuck in a depressed expression. She looks like she needs to spend her days writing brooding accounts in her personal diary. And Taylor Lautner is just plain awful as Jacob the werewolf. As you would expect, the CGI werewolves look just as bad as they have in the previous movies.

LS: Yeah, in this series, werewolves are just giant cartoon wolves. Lamest werewolves ever!

MA: I STILL have no idea why everyone in these movies is so interested in Bella, and frankly, I find it incredibly annoying. This has got to be one of the worst parts of the movie—of the entire series, actually—that there are always hordes of people trying to look out for, or help, Bella. Why? She’s BORING, people! Is she incredibly funny? No. Is she a screw-up who we feel sorry for? No. Is she bold and daring, and a kick-ass heroine who’ll really gives it to someone who’s out to get her? No. What is she then? Someone who needs to be taken care of by the dashing princes in her life (CUE: “Awww.”) She’d be annoying even in real life, but it’s even worse that it’s a movie, since movies are supposed to entertain us.

Bella’s so damn boring.

LS: You’ll get no argument from me. I hate all three of them. Another big problem with this movie is that it has no real villains. No outside characters come in and are clear-cut bad guys. Unless you consider Bella’s monster baby – but even that isn’t a villain, it’s just a vampire baby trying to stay alive in a puny human’s inadequate womb. When it’s born (at this point, I couldn’t care less about spoilers—this movie doesn’t deserve it), it’s so cute and sweet, you wonder why anyone would be afraid of it at all. So all of the “conflicts” here are pretty much meaningless: the werewolves want to kill Bella and her baby for reasons that are completely idiotic and contrived; the vampires and Jacob stand their ground; and any actual fighting is kept to a minimum.

The only real tension revolves around whether Bella should keep the baby or not: Edward wants to get rid of the baby because he knows its birth could kill Bella—who he has finally married and loves so much—while Bella refuses to do anything to harm the baby. This argument is more passionate than anything else in this dull movie.

Frankly, I wish someone would just get rid of the lot of them!

Oh yeah, and the big “shocking” final scene is one anyone could see a mile away. You don’t have to have read the books to figure this one out, especially since there’s a PART 2 still to come out. So much for any semblance of suspense.

MA: So, make sure you thank screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, who’s written the screenplays for all of the TWILIGHT movies, novelist Stephanie Meyer who wrote the books which these movies are based on, and director Bill Condon—give them all a nice big “thank you” by NOT seeing this movie.

Yeah, I know. It’s not going to happen. I’m sure the movie sold out across the nation this weekend. I know the three showings at my local theater the day I went were all sold out, and there wasn’t an empty seat in the theater I was at.

LS: Yeah, I went to see it early in the afternoon and the evening showings were all sold out already. And the showing I saw was packed to the gills. The TWILIGHT movies will be a money-making juggernaut til the very end. And I still have no clue why anyone can eat this stuff up without getting food poisoning.

MA: Because they’re hardcore fans of the series.

For the rest of us, stay away from this bland nonsense! I give THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1— ZERO KNIVES and rank it as one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year.

LS: I keep seeing these movies and think “This can’t get any worse.” But I swear—each movie is worse than the one before it—and this one is the worst one yet. It pretty much has no story to it. It’s just a wedding, a honeymoon, and a (difficult) birth, involving characters I can’t stand. I had to force myself to stay awake at times, because it’s also too long. I wish there were more ways to explain just how horrible this movie is. But words fail me.

So I give THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 a rating of negative 1 knife. Yes, NEGATIVE. As in, they owe me a knife for sitting through this sludge. I can only imagine how much more horrible PART 2 will be.

MA: I’ll save you the trouble. It’s going to suck. So, why don’t we just agree now to skip it?

LS: That would be unfair to our readers who enjoy what we have to say about these films. (to audience) I have to admit the real reason we see these films is the joy I get knowing Michael has to sit through them. But then again, so do I!

(To MA): We better get out of here before the “vampire lovers” arrive. Let’s just go to a bar and wash the memory of it from our minds.

MA: That’s the best thing you’ve said all day.

LS: I thought “Die! You sick bastards!” was pretty good.

See you next time folks. Anything we review next week has to look terrific after this pile of dung.

END

Michael Arruda gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ~ zero knives!

LL Soares gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ~ negative 1 knife!

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CKF COMING ATTRACTIONS – NOVEMBER 2011

Posted in 2011, 3-D, Apocalyptic Films, Cinema Knife Fights, Coming Attractions, Highly Stylized Films, Horror, R-Rated Comedy, Vampires, Werewolves with tags 3D, cinema knife fight, Coming Attractions, Harold, Immortals, Kumar, Piranha, twilight on November 4, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
NOVEMBER 2011
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: A beach full of bikini-clad college girls on Spring Break, and yeah, there are guys on the beach too, and they’re not wearing bikinis. L.L. SOARES sits on a beach chair wearing an oversized pair of 3-D glasses. MICHAEL ARRUDA approaches him, sipping some lemonade.)

MA: This sure is a strange setting for November. And shouldn’t you be wearing sunglasses, not 3D glasses?

LS: I’m wearing 3D glasses because I’m getting ready to see two 3D movies this month, A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS, and later in the month, the much anticipated sequel, PIRANHA 3DD. And what’s this I hear that you might miss both these movies?

MA: Well, I hope not to, but November is shaping up to be a strange month for me. First up, on November 4, as you said, it’s A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS (2011). I know very little about these movies, so why don’t you start us off.

LS: Harold and Kumar are a couple of stoner guys who have had a couple of previous adventures in HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE (2004) and HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY (2008). I’ve only seen the first one so far, but it was pretty funny. I am curious to see what trouble the guys get into for their Christmas movie. I’m not usually a fan of holiday-themed movies, but this one could be fun.

MA: Well, the trailer is hilarious, so if I do get a chance to see it, I’ll be looking forward to it.

Next up, on November 11, we’ll be reviewing 11-11-11 (2011), a neat looking horror movie that could go either way— could be really stupid, or it might just be a pleasant surprise. I’ve seen a couple of trailers for this movie I thought were just mediocre, and I’ve seen a couple where the film looks pretty cool, so we’ll find out.

It’s written and directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, the guy who directed SAW II (2005), SAW III (2006), and SAW IV (2007). Gag! I’m sure you’re more excited about this connection than I am.

LS: Eh, I dunno. The SAW movies were a bit of a snooze overall, but this one could be okay. I don’t know an awful lot about it, except that the number 11 shows up a lot and it has something to do with the possibility of a doorway opening from Hell into our world, or something. But I guess I’m curious about it. I just hope it’s better than the Jim Carrey “obsessed with numbers” movie – THE NUMBER 23 (2007)

MA: We’ll both be at a convention and book signing that weekend in New Hampshire, and so there is an ever so slight possibility that we might not review this one.

LS: The horror!! Yeah, we’re going to have to play that weekend by ear.

MA: But something tells me we’ll find a way. Also opening that weekend is IMMORTALS (2011), a rather silly looking movie. We hope to have someone reviewing this one as well.

LS: Yeah, hopefully someone will be brave enough to review IMMORTALS. It looks kind of hokey to me – definitely “inspired” by the look and feel of the movie 300 – but it is directed by Tarsem Sing, who previously gave us such visual spectacles as THE CELL (2000) and THE FALL (2006), so maybe it won’t be as one-dimensional and boring as it looks in the trailer.

(Suddenly, there is wailing and moaning, as a great dark cloud appears over the beach, blocking out the sun. People on the beach start screaming and run away in panic.)

LS: What is it? A great white shark? A school of piranhas, maybe?

MA: Nah, it’s just TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 (2011). Yep, folks, it’s the fourth movie in the TWILIGHT SAGA, in all its boring glory. Even better, they had to split this one into two parts. Oh goodie! (More screaming from the beach.) This horror (fights back tears) opens on November 18.

I can’t believe we’re going to sit through another one of these turkeys.

(THANKSGIVING TURKEY runs by.)

TURKEY: Hey, don’t insult me!

LS (holding an axe): Keep running Butterball! I’m hungry!

TURKEY: Gulp! (Flees)

MA: I really have nothing I want to say about TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 other than I’m dreading it. Seldom have I been as bored in the movie theater as I’ve been watching these TWILIGHT movies. Maybe I’ll bring a book with me this time.

LS: The thing is, I hate these movies, too, and I can’t wait until they’re done. But people seem to enjoy it when we review the TWILIGHT movies and tear them apart. So I guess we’ll be going to see the final two after all. I hope BREAKING DAWN is better than the previous movies in the series, but I’m not betting on it.

And we wrap up November with PIRANHA 3DD (2011), which opens on November 23. This time around, it’s directed by John Gulager, who gave us the low-budget FEAST movies (the first one was in 2005) -I guess Alexandre Aja, director of the last PIRANHA movie, was too busy this time. I like Gulager and I like the franchise, so I’m expecting this one to be a lot of fun, but I’m pretty sure you hated the last one.

MA: Yeah, I didn’t like the last one all that much. I thought it was too interested in boobs and gore, rather than thrills and chills.

Anyway, this happens to be Thanksgiving weekend, and since I’ll be spending it with family, I might miss this one.

LS: Yeah, since that’s a holiday weekend, we might have to play that one by ear, too. Very busy month ahead of us, I guess.

MA: Well, that wraps things up here. And look, the sun’s coming back out. It looks like it’s going to be a good beach day after all.

LS (looking around and seeing an empty beach): But where is everybody? The sun’s out, and we’re finished talking about TWILIGHT.

MA: Maybe they’re worried about PIRANHA. I’m sure they’ll be back soon. It is kinda weird though. Oh well. We’ll see you folks next time.

(Camera pans to reveal a horde of Thanksgiving turkeys all carrying axes standing behind MA & LS.)

LS: Ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

—END—

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Friday Night Knife Fights: TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM – Part 2

Posted in 2011, Friday Night Knife Fights, Garbage, Psycho killer, Sequels, Slasher Movies, Vampires, Werewolves with tags Bad Movies, Friday Night Knife Fights, saw, Scream, twilight, Vampires, Werewolves, Worst Movies on May 27, 2011 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS- Free-for-all Cage Match
TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM: Which one of the three is the WORST series? Part 2 (Conclusion)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

…..Previously, on FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:

(the camera buzzes as the film rewinds, then starts again)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Moving onto our next question, if you were allowed to improve one of these franchises, which one would you like to improve, and just how would you improve it?

L.L. SOARES: The way to improve these movies is to simply stop making them.

(A gargantuan cheer erupts from the audience, and suddenly LS is receiving a standing ovation. Even MA stands to give him a hand.)

MA: I couldn’t have said it better myself.

LS: I know.

(film fades to black)

And now the conclusion to FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:

(The camera starts again. The audience’s ovation finally dies down)

MA: Welcome back to FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS. L.L. and I are continuing our discussion of TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM, attempting to determine which one of the three is the worst series overall.

Now, LL, you were just saying that the best way to improve these movies would be to simply stop making them.

LS: Why continue making crap? End these things and put us out of our misery.

At least the SAW franchise claims to have done this. A new SAW movie always came out around Halloween time for years, but that’s gladly over with. Instead, we’ll get a new PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie every October.

How about something new and different, instead of retreads?

MA: Unfortunately, that’s the Hollywood formula. As long as the retreads keep making money, Hollywood will keep churning them out.

I definitely agree with you on this point, that the best way to improve these franchises is to stop making them. However, if I had to choose one I’d want to improve, I’d choose SCREAM. I’m not interested in touching either TWILIGHT or SAW.

To improve the SCREAM movies I would tweak the SCREAM formula by having the hip in-the-know-about-horror movies banter spoken only by characters whose lives aren’t in danger. As soon as these characters are threatened by the masked menace, I’d have them react realistically, meaning they’d be scared to death, and they certainly wouldn’t be making wisecracks about horror movies. That’s how it is now, and it kills any authenticity these stories might otherwise have.

And that’s all I have to say on the subject. I’m not really all that interested in improving these series. I’d prefer they’d just go away.

We’re getting closer to our goal of choosing the worst of the three. Of the three series, which one has been the most painful to sit through?

I’ll go first this time and answer my own question, and I’m going to cheat a little bit here, as I’m choosing two. See, for me it’s a tie between TWILIGHT and SAW.

By far, TWILIGHT has been the most boring series to sit through. Never in my life have I experienced boredom at the movie like this. It’s awful! I would pay someone to stop making these films, they’re so dreadfully slow and painful.

But as horribly boring as TWILIGHT has been, SAW has been just as painful, but for different reasons. For me, it comes down to the subject matter of these movies. I just don’t enjoy horror tales built around torture. Seeing people suffer agonizing tortures just because, and the films really don’t justify Jigsaw’s actions, is not my thing. How can you justify Jigsaw’s actions anyway? Even if he had just cause, what he does is indefensible. Jigsaw and his antics are about as fun as the flu, and as realistic as DYLAN DOG.

LS: See, this is where I have a problem with your argument, because, as far as I know, you haven’t seen that many of the SAW movies. I know I’ve had to review them alone for years. I’m guessing you only saw one or two of them. So it’s not really fair that you judge all of them if you haven’t seen them. On the other hand, I’ve had to sit through all of the movies we’re talking about.

MA: Not fair? What, are we on the playground? You’re right. I haven’t seen as many of the SAW movies as you have, but I’ve seen enough. Are you telling me that in the later films things get better?

LS: I’m saying that Jigsaw does have a justification for his actions—however lame—and that is he’s trying to put bad people in a life-and-death situation in order to wake them up and make them change their lives.

MA: What a thoughtful guy! And I already knew this, as this plot point was in the films I saw.

LS: I admit, this gets tired fast, but it is how he justifies his actions. I don’t think it’s any more stupid than every character in a SCREAM movie suddenly being an expert movie critic or Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt every five minutes in the TWILIGHT movies.

To be honest, the SAW movies just don’t bother me as much as the other two series do. I find the movies brainless, but entertaining. And they don’t repulse me like the SCREAM or the TWILIGHT movies do. The SAW movies may not be great, but I don’t mind them that much.

MA: At least SCREAM, for all its faults, has a set of recurring characters I enjoy watching, and the first movie had a good sense of humor and some decent thrills. I can’t find anything redeeming about TWILIGHT or SAW.

LS: Who needs “redeeming?” I just want to be entertained. The SAW movies are the only ones that even come close to doing this. So they’re the lesser of three evils. And while you enjoy watching the recurring characters in the SCREAM movies, I despise them all and wish they’d just die already. So not everyone shares your affection for those dumb-ass characters.

As for me, I’d say the worst of the bunch is a draw too, but between two different movies.

The SCREAM movies because they irritate the hell out of me, and the TWILIGHT movies because it’s torture trying to stay awake while watching them.

MA: And now for the big question, the final question of the night, when we decide the winner— or loser— of tonight’s competition: which one of the three- TWILIGHT, SAW, or SCREAM— is the worst series?

LS: The worst of the three is a tie between the SCREAM movies and the TWILIGHT movies.

MA: There seems to be a lot of ties tonight.

LS: They are bad in different ways. The SCREAM movies feature annoying, self-aware dialogue that doesn’t sound natural and thinks it is much cleverer than it is. Also, with each sequel they become more and more like the lame sequels they make fun of.

MA: True.

LS: The TWILIGHT movies, in comparison, don’t even try to be scary, because they’re not horror movies at all. They’re romance films playing dress up. And they’re abysmally boring.

MA: Also true.

Okay, my turn to pick the worst.

I’m going to go with the SAW movies as the worst of the three because they have so little to offer. Mindless violence, gruesome pointless tortures, and no story or decent characters whatsoever, the SAW films rely solely on the gross-out for their horror points, and this just doesn’t cut it—heh, heh— for me.

As much as I abhor the TWILIGHT movies, they don’t turn me off like the SAW movies. They just put me to sleep.

With SCREAM – I actually like the characters, and the story in the first one was a good one. Even though they’ve gone downhill since the first movie, the SCREAM films are still not as twisted and sick as SAW or as boring and dull as TWILIGHT.

So, my pick as the worst of the three is SAW.

It looks like then, since I picked SAW, and you picked both TWILIGHT and SCREAM, that we have a three way tie.

LS: Let’s be honest here. They all suck.

MA: I guess that’s apropos, that they each received a vote for The Worst Series.

With just the two of us here tonight, it would have been difficult to pick just one worst series anyway, unless that rarity of rarities occurred, and you and I agreed, and we both chose the same movie. Maybe we’ll do this again sometime with some guest panelists.

LS: I hope not. I really don’t want to talk about these movies again anytime soon.

MA: I agree with you there. Still, there may have to be a rematch at some point.

So, hopefully nobody out there is disappointed, but tonight’s results reveal a stalemate. Which one is the worst series? It’s a draw, as TWILIGHT, SAW, and SCREAM all received one vote, meaning, they’re all horrible!

There are no winners here tonight, only losers.

LS: I guess I need to get off the stage then.

MA: My prayers have finally been answered.

Well that wraps things up from here. This has been FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS. I’m Michael Arruda, and on behalf of L.L. Soares and myself, thanks for joining us tonight. Good night, everybody!

—-END—

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Friday Night Knife Fights: TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM! – Part 1

Posted in 2011, Friday Night Knife Fights, Garbage, Horror, Psychos, Sequels, Serial Killer flicks, Slasher Movies, Vampires, Wes Craven Movies with tags Bad Movies, Friday Night Knife Fights, jigsaw, saw, Scream, Team Edward, Team Jacob, twilight, wes craven on May 20, 2011 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS- Free-for-all Cage Match
TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM: Which one of the three is the WORST series?
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(BELL RINGS)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome to another edition of FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS. Tonight we have a special Free-for-all Cage Match.

L.L. SOARES: You mean we get to be in a cage, and I get to clobber you to a pulp?

MA: No, it means rather than having two subjects battling it out, tonight we have three. TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM: Which one of the three is the WORST series?

LS: Damn!

MA: What? You don’t like this topic?

LS: No. I just wanted to bash your brains in.

MA: Oh well. You’ll just have to settle for trying to do it in the figurative sense, although be prepared to have your figurative brains spread all over this arena. (smiles)

LS: This means war.

MA: Then, let’s have at it. TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM. Which one of these series is the absolute worst?

(LS hands MA a club, and he’s holding a large pick-axe.)

MA: What are we doing with these?

LS: I just have to do this to get this out of my system. Feel free to join me. (Dumps a heap of film canisters at their feet, and he begins to smash them to smithereens with his pick-axe.)

MA: Are those what I think they are?

LS: Yep. TWILIGHT, SCREAM, and SAW.

MA: I think I will join you. (They smash the film canisters into tiny bits and pieces.) That felt good.

LS: Too bad we have to talk about these clunkers now. Can’t we just tell people the films stink and go home?

MA: No, we have a bout to decide. We have to determine which one of these three series is the worst. To that end, here’s the first question for tonight.

Which one of these series is doing more harm to the horror film industry right now?

LS: All three franchises are guilty of putting out crappy product that makes the genre looks lame. But I don’t think the SCREAM movies are important enough to have much bearing anymore, and the SAW movies are supposedly finished.

MA: I hope so!

LS: The TWILIGHT movies don’t really count, because they have their own niche audience that has nothing to do with horror fans.

MA: You can say that again. I always thought TWILIGHT fans were young teenage girls, but at least in my neck of the woods—.

LS: And you mean that literally, because you do live in the woods!

MA: I don’t live in the woods! Sure, I live in a rural community, but it’s not the woods! Anyway, as I was saying, when I’ve seen these movies, the theaters have been packed with adult women, many of them middle-aged, and—even stranger— adult couples, as if these movies are good date movies. Very strange that the teen girls have been outnumbered.

I don’t think any of these movies are truly doing harm to the horror film industry, either. I don’t give these films that much credit or power.

I think SAW gives horror a bad name because it’s the kind of movie that people who aren’t horror fans point to when they complain about all that’s wrong with horror, and in this case, I’d have to agree with them. I know a lot of horror people who also think the SAW movies are pretty bad.

TWILIGHT, I think , is mostly laughable. The true fans like these movies because they love the books, but the rest of us see them for what they are: pretty boring love stories masquerading as vampire tales. They are the most boring films I’ve seen in many years.

I know in the past you’ve pointed to SCREAM as a franchise that has hurt horror, saying that SCREAM led to a bunch of weak horror movies that had teens for characters and were played for laughs, and you’re not the only person I’ve heard say this. I just don’t think SCREAM was ever that influential, and as far as having teens for characters, horror movies have had teens as main characters going back to films like HALLOWEEN (1978) and way, way back to the 1950s with films like I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF (1957) and I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN (1957).

But you’re right about there not being a whole lot of good horror movies during SCREAM’s heyday, but I think this is more a coincidence than a result of SCREAM’s influence.

LS: Well, I guess you’re entitled to your opinion. Even if it’s wrong.

MA: So, of these three series, which one do you think is the best?

LS: SAW is better than the other two because at least it tries to be interesting in creating different, elaborate ways to kill people.

MA: And I completely disagree!

LS: So what? You already had your say.

That said, the SAW movies are repetitious and predictable as well. Even though Jigsaw is dead, his disciples keep things going (and with flashbacks, it’s like Jigsaw never left). So it’s pretty much the same thing every movie. Basically, the SAW movies are just as bad in their own way— except they don’t annoy me as much as the SCREAM or the TWILIGHT movies.

MA: If I had to pick one I think is better than the others, I’d go with SCREAM.

(LS screams)

MA: SCREAM is better than the other two because I liked the first SCREAM movie better than any of the movies in the other two series. I actually liked the first SCREAM a lot. I thought it was clever, funny, and scary. The series just gradually went downhill from there

I didn’t like any of the SAW movies, and it goes without saying, I didn’t like any of the TWILIGHT movies either.

Moving onto our next question, if you were allowed to improve one of these franchise, which one would you like to improve, and just how would you improve it?

LS: The way to improve these movies is to simply stop making them.

(A gargantuan cheer erupts from the audience, and suddenly LS is receiving a standing ovation. Even MA stands to give him a hand.)

MA: I couldn’t have said it better myself.

LS: Thank you, thank you.

(Audience continues to cheer as camera pans away.)

-–END PART 1—-

COMING NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT: THE CONCLUSION OF FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS- Free-for-all Cage Match
TWILIGHT vs. SAW vs. SCREAM: Which one of the three is the WORST series?

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MONSTROUS QUESTION: WHAT’S WRONG WITH WEREWOLVES? (ANSWER #2)

Posted in 2011, LL Soares Reviews, Monstrous Question, Philisophical Discussions, Werewolf Movies with tags An American Werewolf in London, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Ginger Snaps, l.l. soares, monstrous question, twilight, Werewolves on April 27, 2011 by knifefighter

MONSTROUS QUESTION – ANSWER # 2 – L.L. SOARES

(Monstrous Questions provided by Michael Arruda)

What’s wrong with the werewolf as a movie monster? Why hasn’t he ever been as popular as other monsters, such as vampires and zombies?

******

FROM L.L. SOARES:

I think werewolves have been a bit more popular than you give them credit for. As you said, in the 80s, there was AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, THE HOWLING (and its sequels), and stuff off the beaten track like WOLFEN (all three of those movies came out in 1981). So they have had times where they were pretty popular. Around that same time was the remake of CAT PEOPLE (1982) too, which isn’t a werewolf movie, but it had shape shifters of another, similar sort. The Stephen King adaptation, SILVER BULLET, also came out in the 80s (1985).

In the early 00s, we had another mini-wave set off by GINGER SNAPS in 2000, as well as a prequel (GINGER SNAPS: THE BEGINNING) and a sequel (GINGER SNAPS: UNLEASHED), both from 2004. The GINGER SNAPS movies centered on two sisters in high school, one of whom becomes a werewolf, and the first movie, especially, is very good. Of course, the horrible werewolf flick CURSED (by Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson), also came out this decade (in 2005), and might just be the worst werewolf movie ever made.

Werewolf movies do seem to come in bunches. But you’re right, that they’ve never rivaled the popularity of vampires or, more recently, zombies, which just seem to be everywhere. Personally, the werewolf concept always intrigued me as a writer, because it’s an exploration of the animals within us – our past selves before we became civilized, and the potential to revert back to that state at a moment’s notice – and I think that is just as relevant and powerful as our reactions to death and immortality. I always felt DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE, another favorite creature of mine, explored similar territory.

Werewolves always have cycles where they become popular (like the cycles of the moon), but they just don’t have the kinds of rabid fans that vampires and zombies have. Vampires, especially, never seem to go out of style.

More recently, of course, there are the werewolves in the TWILIGHT movies, and they’re almost as popular as the vampires. Although, the way they’re portrayed – as giant CGI wolves – is just lame.

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