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GHOUL (2012)

Posted in 2013, Cable movies, Family Secrets, Grave Robbing, Horror, Monsters, Paul McMahon Columns, Supernatural, The Distracted Critic, TV-Movies with tags Barry Corbin, Brian Keene, Chiller Channel, Dane Rhodes, Ghoul, horror, Nolan Gould, TV Movies on April 3, 2013 by knifefighter

GHOUL (2012)
Review by Paul McMahon, The Distracted Critic

GHOUL is a movie I’d been following since I heard it was in production. Brian Keene’s novel remains my favorite work of his, and one of the more effective horror novels I’ve read. The reason Keene’s novel works is because the main horrors do not come from the creature haunting the graveyard, but from the parents who have the responsibility of raising their children in a safe and secure environment. This means, however, that a lot of the novel’s effectiveness comes from internal dialogues and the inner thoughts of the characters, both of which are very difficult to show on screen. As thrilled as I was that someone was finally filming a Brian Keene story, I thought that they couldn’t have picked a tougher story to adapt. Because of this, I went into the movie with high hopes but low expectations.

We start with Timmy (Nolan Gould, from the TV show MODERN FAMILY) digging his comics out from under his bed. As soon as he gets comfortable, his mom calls lights out. It demonstrates that kids are at the mercy of their parents’ rules and whims, setting the tone for the film. The next morning, Timmy watches cartoons while his Dad demands his attention. “The start of summer vacation doesn’t save you from your chores!” Timmy’s grandpa shushes him, pretending that he’s watching TV as well. Frustrated, Dad leaves the room. Grandpa (Barry Corbin, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, 2007) calls Timmy over and asks what he and his friends are planning to do with the underground clubhouse they’re building near the cemetery. Timmy is shocked because they thought nobody knew about it. Grandpa assures him nobody else does.

Later on, Timmy and Grandpa are working in the garden and Timmy’s friend Doug (Jacob Bila) bikes up out of breath, having been chased by a stray dog. Grandpa offers to finish Timmy’s chores and sends him on his way. Doug and Timmy go to Barry’s house, where Barry’s Dad (Dane Rhodes, DJANGO UNCHCAINED, 2012) bullies them, calling Doug a fag and telling him that’s probably why his Dad left. Timmy responds by accusing him of making Barry do his job while he sleeps off last night’s bottle. Barry’s dad forbids them to play near the cemetery again.

Dane Rhodes, as Mr. Smeltzer, terrorizes Timmy and Doug in Brian Keene’s GHOUL.

Timmy and Doug meet up with Barry (Trevor Harker) and together they head to their clubhouse. They look at Doug’s hand-drawn map of the surrounding area. Suddenly, they hear Timmy’s Mom calling him. She’s frantic, distraught. “It’s your Grandpa, honey, I’m sorry.”

There are a lot of other things going on, and we get quick scenes depicting some of it. Three older kids on bikes, obviously up to no good, are searching the woods for the clubhouse. A pair of lovers making out in the woods are attacked and presumably killed.

After Grandpa’s funeral, Timmy and his friends are in the cemetery when Doug falls waist-deep into a sinkhole. Barry and Timmy pull him out. Barry says the sinkholes are all over the place because of the old mining operations. While Barry goes for the first aid kit, the stray dog appears, charging and barking. Barry grabs a shovel and attacks the dog viciously, cussing it out while he wails on it. The ferocity of his actions shocks Timmy and Doug. Later on, as they help Barry put away the tools, they discover another sinkhole in the caretaker’s shed, covered by a jagged piece of plywood. That night, over dinner, Timmy asks his dad about the stories of the ghoul. His dad tells him the ghoul is the equivalent of Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.

Steve, one of the three bullies from earlier, spied Timmy and his friends in the shed. That night, Ronnie and Sammie join him and they break into the shed, planning to vandalize what they think is the kids’ clubhouse. They wonder how Timmy and his friends could have shoveled out the maze of tunnels they find, and then Ronnie and Steve continue on, leaving Sammie to stand watch. Predictably, Ronnie and Steve are attacked. Sammie runs back the way they came, arriving at the hole to see Barry’s Dad staring down at her. She pleads with him for help. “You shouldn’t play where you’re not invited,” he says, then pulls the plywood over the hole while she screams.

It’s difficult to distance yourself from a novel as good as GHOUL in order to take a movie adaptation on its own terms. Part of what makes the book so memorable is that it reaches beyond the usual coming-of-age story. These kids are dealing with some heavy-duty subject matter. Doug confesses that his mother comes to him at night and does things to him. Barry’s Dad regularly and brutally beats on him and his mom. From an acting standpoint, staying true to these emotional wallops would tax even the most practiced actors. The three kids in these roles do all they can, and in some scenes they fare pretty well, but in many others they seem disconnected from what’s going on. It felt like they saved their energy for the “big scenes,” which left many of the slower scenes flat.

Nolan Gould, Jacob Bila and Trevor Harker give their all while tasked with monumental acting challenges.

The biggest problem I had with the movie is that it didn’t flow as a whole. It felt bumpy, as if I was watching something that had been heavily edited to fit time constraints. You learn to expect that from a made-for-TV movie, but with this one every time I started to get a handle on what was happening, the scene jumped away, plunging me into something else with no transition time.

Changes have been made to the story as well. Timmy’s parents are not what they were on the page. His mother is more prominent and caring, while his dad is in only two scenes and comes off as simply crabby and overworked. The most traumatic scene of the book has been cut entirely from the movie. If you read the book, you know what scene I’m talking about. There was also a major change to the ending, which I understand kept the focus on the humanity of the story, but it’s not a change any fan of the book will embrace.

GHOUL was a bold choice to put before the cameras, but, sadly, I can’t recommend the finished product. Fingers crossed that the upcoming DARK HOLLOW is a stronger film and more worthy of Keene’s name.

I give GHOUL 1 and one half stars, with 2 timeouts.

The Remote Outpost Discovers SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK…AGAIN (1996)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 1990s Horror, 2012, Demons, Mark Onspaugh Columns, Remote Outpost, Sequels, Straight to Video with tags 90s Horror, Alexis Arquette, Hilary Swank, Michael Gross, Sometimes They Come Back, stephen king, TV Movies on December 19, 2012 by knifefighter

REMOTE OUTPOST presents:

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK AGAIN (1996)
Written by Mark Onspaugh

You find yourself on a barren and desolate world, light years from anything or anyone you know… Without much food or water, your oxygen running low, you strike out for the distant hills… After days of torturous climbing, you see an oasis below. An installation of quonset huts bedecked with hundreds of television antennae. Congratulations, Traveler, you’ve reached… THE REMOTE OUTPOST.

SOMETIMES… THEY COME BACK WITH A SEQUEL

A little while back we discussed the made-for-TV movie SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (1991), with Tim Matheson and Brooke Adams, based on a Stephen King short story. Five years later, producers released a direct-to-video sequel entitled SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… AGAIN (1996). There is only a tenuous connection to the original, as we shall see. Trimark, the production company behind this sequel, was formerly Vidmark, whose investors owned 20/20 Video—this gave them a unique resource for making sure each project would turn a profit, and it seems all their direct-to-DVD ventures did so. They were later purchased by some obscure company named (checks notes) Lionsgate.

SOMETIMES… AGAIN jumps right in with eerie music and an old woman fondling the world’s largest butcher knife. She cuts her finger… Her razor-sharp knives are within easy reach while Band-Aids are on the topmost shelf—really? As she strains to reach those pesky adhesive bandages, they move away. Gramma falls and strikes her head on a cast iron pig… Cut to an ambiguous and crappy set, where sparks fly from a junction box over a pool of oil or sewage and something humanoid begins to emerge… By now people were either glued to their set or turning to MURDER, SHE WROTE (1984-1996).

Our protagonist, Michael Gross (FAMILY TIES, 1982-1989, and TREMORS, 1990), is Dr. Jon Porter, a kindly psychiatrist. Dr. Jon is one of those “there is nothing in the dark that wasn’t there in the light” types… Just the kind of guy you want to see plagued by demons, ghosts or alien zombies. His demon-fodder-daughter (Hmmm… note to self: next project to be called “Demon Fodder Daughter,” or “Our Fodder, Who is a Daughter”) Michelle is played by Hillary Swank (also in some awfully fine films, and some finely awful ones like THE CORE, 2003 and THE REAPING, 2007). Michelle tells her dad Gramma is dead.

Off to the funeral! Guests include Jules and Maria, played by Jennifer Elise Cox (“Jan” in THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE, 1995) and Jennifer Aspen (“Kathy” in A VERY BRADY SEQUEL, 1996). Jules is a nice girl with psychic tendencies, and her friend Maria is a boozing slut. Also in attendance is that horror movie staple, the Crazy Old Man, or C.O.M. This fellow is always the harbinger of doom and sometimes the “Keeper of the Exposition.” He is often a gardener (usually first glimpsed with sharp shears or monstrous hedge clippers), the owner of a desert gas station (keeps gila monsters as pets) or, as he is here, a man of the cloth.

Absent at the funeral but there bright and early the next day is a King staple, the mentally-challenged character. However, he has no psychic ability or supernatural power, which King’s characters (like Tom Cullen of THE STAND or John Coffey of THE GREEN MILE) usually do. The gardener is named Steve (hmm) and has a mower with “Speed Racer” painted on the side. Hmmm… nice guy, riding lawnmower, demons… I think we can all see where this is going.

Michael Gross and a young HIlary Swank in SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK..AGAIN!

Dr. Jon and his daughter bond while packing up Gramma’s junk. Both Gross and Swank are accomplished actors, and there is an ease and believability here missing from a lot of low-budget horror. (I believe it’s called “acting.”) We also meet Gramma’s pet pig Newton… (Named for Pig Newtons, the pork and fruit cookie sensation.)

Going through Gramma’s crap, Dr. Jon finds a pair of binoculars. He flashes back to being a kid, up in the ol’ tree house with his best friend, spying on his older sister (really?) and her friend as they undress. (Dr. John’s sister wears a pocket watch on a chain around her neck, which is important.) They see the arrival of Tony Reno, played by Robert (later Alexis) Arquette (THE WEDDING SINGER, 1998 and BRIDE OF CHUCKY, 1998), and his two no-goodnik friends, Vinnie and Sean, played by Bojesse Christopher (DEAD SILENCE, 1991 and SLEEPWALKERS, 1992) and Glen Beaudin ( Malcolm Frink on SUPERHUMAN SAMURAI SYBER-SQUAD, 1994-1995—I never saw this show, but I did like typing “Malcolm Frink).

Back in present day, Michelle finds clippings of her late aunt that proclaim, “Young Girl Found Dead in Cave.” She also takes us on a tour of the world’s creepiest doll collection – including one doll with just empty eye sockets (I think Mattel’s “Baby No-Eyes™” was a big seller that year).

Michelle grabs a burger with her new pals (The Psychic and the Slut, new this fall!) and Jules demonstrates her psychic gifts. A stranger puts a quarter in the jukebox, and it’s… Tony Reno. Michelle admires a feminine pocket watch necklace Tony wears, so he gives it to her.

The next day, friendly Tony Reno drops by with flowers. I will say, this was one of the better scenes in the movie. When Tony turns and reveals himself, Michael Gross does a great job of subtly registering recognition. He then calmly picks up a fireplace poker and, without brandishing it, asks Tony what they can “do” for him. Demon and dad’s eyes lock, then Tony smiles and lets himself out.

Alexis Arquette in SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK..AGAIN!

That night, Dr. Jon hears Michelle moaning—he finds her straddling demonic-looking Tony as his flesh-colored tail? tentacle? wraps around her. The scene manages to be erotic and disgusting at the same time, and Dr. Jon wakes with a start, probably reminding himself that “sometimes, a tentacle is just a tentacle.”

Through a series of flashbacks, we learn that Dr. Jon’s big sister was killed by the demonic trio as part of a ritual – and that Lil’ Dr. Jon (also new this fall!) electrocuted them and sent them into the abyss… (not permanently, tho’, ya knucklehead!).

Back in the present, Dr. Jon goes to pay a visit to Father Old Man (first name Crazy). The church is nice and modern on the outside and the inside… but downstairs? Hooboy. Accessed by a secret trapdoor, the decor is all cobwebs and occult drawings. Father C.O.M. tells Dr. Jon that thirty years ago he interrupted a cabalistic sabbath. Father C.O.M. has been keeping the demons at bay with his own blood, but he is growing old and weak. He tells Dr. Jon his sister was a sacrifice, and no one knows precisely when a cabalistic sabbath is… My guess is you wait for an email from the Abyss. Something on the order of:

CABALISTIC SABBATH NEXT TUES.

Sacrifice, demonic resurrection, face-painting for the kids

Bring a non-alcoholic beverage and a covered dish – no potato salad

Father C.O.M. gives Dr. Jon a book and tells him to look up Jim Norman, another fellow who “interrupted a cabalistic sabbath.” Aha! So there’s our connection to Movie #1.

Meanwhile, Slow Steve gets acquainted with his mower. Lots of blood spray and then a severed hand in the grass. Tony makes some terrible quips (“Looks like a bad hair day!” and “Mind giving me a hand?”). Yech.

Back at the mine, Tony draws a pentagram with Steve’s ground-up teeth (nice), then consecrates the pit/pond with blood from Steve’s severed hand. Another demon rises, complete with stubby little horns and an extremely long prehensile tail. The demon is nude, and its genitalia is an odd lump. I have to give the director/makeup team props for at least addressing sexuality in such a creature. The new demon convulses and becomes Vinnie.

Dr. Jon calls Jim Norman, but Jim’s “wife” says he died that morning. It’s actually Tony Reno! All we see of the brave school teacher from the original movie is a hand and forearm dangling in the frame, bleeding out.

At home, Jules and Maria throw a birthday party for Michelle—just the three of them. Possibly the most depressing 18^th birthday party ever. Especially when they go to the kitchen and find a pentagram drawn in blood and Newton the pig’s severed head in the fridge.

Worst… party… ever.

The Sheriff is called in—she’s a petite, gum-cracking woman with a comically oversized sheriff’s hat. Although a pet pig has been decapitated, she doesn’t seem too concerned. Is she in league with the demons, or does every party in this town end with a pig losing his head?

Dr. Jon realizes someone else must die for Tony’s last friend to rise. He also sees allusions to a “False Prophet,” who can keep the latch or gate closed by severing a finger – AHA! (In King’s original story, the teacher had to amputate a finger to rid himself of the demons, but this was not in the first film.)

Michelle’s friend Maria seems solely concerned with booze and getting in Tony Reno’s demon-drawers. Even when she finds human teeth in his pocket she says nothing. This girl really needs to get out more.

After necking in the woods, Vinnie tells Maria she has ears “cute enough to nibble on…” (Uh oh!) Maria tells him she has a “surprise” for him. While Vinnie closes his eyes, she removes her top – Vinnie smiles and says, “I have a surprise for you, too…” Maria opens her eyes to find Vinnie all demon-y. She screams and it’s the last we see of the carefree girl with the mini-bar purse.

Back at the home of Dr. Jon is a’studyin’ on demonology. In one of the best scenes in the movie, third demon Sean delivers a package—Michelle opens it to find Maria’s ears with her diamond earrings still in them. A thoughtful note says, “Thought Michelle might like these.” Michelle—who apparently got ears for her last birthday—screams.

Father Crazy tells Dr. Jon he must desecrate Tony like he has desecrated him. Huh? Then, Father C.O.M. gives Dr. and daughter a one-item scavenger hunt: find something Tony has touched, that Dr. Jon’s sister touched, that the Darkness has also touched. Can you guess? (Hint: tick, tick, tick.)

Tony and his pals take Jules to the top of a dam – who knew there was a dam in the vicinity? Tony gives Jules a tarot reading, flinging cards so they embed in her palm, forehead, etc. (Insert joke about being “damned” and “carded” here.)

The dreaded Tarot of death!

At home, Dr. Jon and Michelle frantically look for the watch Tony stole from Dr. Jon’s sister and gave to Michelle.

In the church basement, Father C. intones, “In the magic circle the False Prophet must sever a digit.” Using a ceremonial knife, Father C. cuts off his thumb – there is surprisingly little blood. Before performing the rest of the ritual, Tony and friends kill the old coot. Michelle is certainly going to remember this birthday!

Arriving at the church, Dr. Jon and Michelle split up because she refuses to go down into the wacky basement. Dr. Jon finds the corpse of Father Crazy. Instead of rushing to check on his daughter (The Demon Fodder), he pokes around while Michelle is being called out of the church by the voice of Jules… (Point of discussion: If Tony and friends were already in the church, why lure her outside now? Act out different parts with your lab partner.)

Dr. Jon sees the demons have used blood to write: “See no evil,” “Hear no evil” and “Speak no evil.” At this point, I was really wishing a demonic monkey would appear to liven things up.

Would an infernal devil monkey spice things up?

Would an infernal devil monkey liven things up?

At the mine, Michelle is trussed up and Tony draws a pentagram in blood on Michelle’s chest as she wails. Just before Tony stabs her, dad arrives and shoots him in the head. Tony reverts to his demon form, as do the others. They chain Dr. Jon to the electrical panel in a manner that is laughable, and he escapes and grabs yet another handy severed cable. The demons, who apparently forgot everything from the beginning of the movie, cross the oily pit/pool to get him and Dr. Jon electrocutes them. As they convulse and scream, Dr. Jon severs his own thumb and then smashes the watch, telling Tony, “Die you miserable (expletive deleted).” Tony, ever the wise guy, says, “Catch ya later” as he and the others are sucked down into the Abyss.

It seems like a happy ending, Dr. Jon’s ghost sister even waves goodbye, but, at the end of the credits, Tony Reno proclaims, “I’m back!”

For all my carping and snide remarks, SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… AGAIN is not a horrible movie. It’s definitely low budget, but its performers help elevate the material, and the makeup work is quite good for a direct-to-DVD effort. I especially liked that each demon looked different. The mythology is a bit muddled, and that mineshaft is a giant plot hole as well as a literal one – is it running? If not, why is the power on? If it’s a going concern, why is no one ever working there? Why is that pool/pond/pit still there? Why are the shackles that held Dr. Jon’s sister years ago still there? Questions, questions.

Hilary Swank makes love to something with..er…tentacles in SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK…AGAIN!

It’s clearly not up to the benchmark of the original King story, although they do borrow the severed finger angle. The film was directed by Adam Grossman, who also directed the regrettable Wes Craven remake of CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1998) for Trimark. The movie was written by the director with Guy Riedel, who also conceived the story. Reidel is better known as a producer, having been involved with such films as WEDDING CRASHERS (2005), CLOVERFIELD (2008) and SUPER 8 (2011).

All in all, it would be a fine rental to razz with your friends while admitting that some of the acting and makeup were above average.

Outpost… out.

SUPPLEMENTAL TRANSMISSION: Mr. Soares kindly pointed out that I never reviewed or mentioned 666 PARK AVENUE in my last column about the Fall 2012 TV season. I was looking forward to the Terry O’Quinn’s next endeavor, post-LOST (2004-2010), but the promos didn’t wow me. I watched the pilot and quickly grew bored. When there is some really great stuff on (WALKING DEAD, BOARDWALK EMPIRE, FRINGE), why waste time with mediocre programming? I’ve heard the show has already been cancelled. I hope Mr. O’Quinn goes on to something worth his talents.

The very cool Spanish movie poster for SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK AGAIN

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Remote Outpost: SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (1991)

Posted in 1990s Horror, 2012, Demons, Gangs, Ghosts!, Mark Onspaugh Columns, Remote Outpost, Stephen King Movies, TV-Movies with tags Brooke Adams, Bullies, demons, Robert Rusler, Sometimes They Come Back, stephen king, Tim Matheson, Tom McLoughlin, TV Movies, William Sanderson on September 19, 2012 by knifefighter

# #

Direct from THE REMOTE OUTPOST:
SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (1991)
TV-Movie Review by Mark Onspaugh

We all know the problem with sequels. Sometimes a movie is great and can stand just fine on its own, then greedy producers want to go to that well again and again. Usually, what results is a series of films that steadily decline in budget and quality. Films like the original version of THE PLANET OF THE APES (1969). The first is a masterpiece, the second is quite good, the third is okay… By number four (CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, 1974), the miniscule budget forced the production to film in Century City, and many of the ape makeups were crude masks. If it wasn’t for Roddy McDowell’s brilliant turn as Caesar, the film would probably have been forgotten and the fifth film would never have happened.

Titling sequels is also an issue. Do you go with numbering (LETHAL WEAPON XXVIII) or new titles? Do you do both, hoping to show creativity but still cash in on that brand? (GREMLINS II: THE NEW BATCH, 1990).

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (1991) is a good movie, and needs no sequel. It almost seems as if producers were kicking around joke titles and decided to greenlight the merriment. Thus, we would eventually be enjoying the demonic hijinks of SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… AGAIN (1996) and SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… FOR MORE (1998).

This leads me to believe we will eventually see other installments, like, SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… BECAUSE THEY FORGOT SOMETHING; SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… FOR THE FOOD, BUT STAY FOR THE PIE; and SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK… BECAUSE THEY MISSED THEIR FLIGHT AND HAD TO RETURN AND YOU JUST GOT THE GUEST ROOM CLEANED AND NOW THESE ANNOYING DEMONS ARE BACK AGAIN – DAMN.

(Warning: SPOILERS abound below! It’s a SPOILER Wonderland!)

The first movie in the series is based directly on a Stephen King story of the same name, first published in Cavalier Magazine in March 1974 and then later collected in 1978’s Night Shift. Jim Norman is a teacher who’s had a sketchy history (wife injured in a hit-and-run, a mental breakdown) and is finally back teaching in his old home town. His last class of the day is an easy class largely in place to give jocks something they can pass so they can play sports.

But Jim has another secret—his older brother was murdered when the two were just kids. The Norman brothers were assaulted by teenaged toughs near a railroad tunnel. Jim escaped, but his brother was brutally stabbed. Years later, he still has nightmares about the four toughs who took away his brother Wayne. As Norman works through the school year, students begin to disappear. Each time one does, a transfer from “Millford” shows up, and it’s one of the thugs from his past, now dressed in contemporary style but still seventeen. They tell Jim he is unfinished business, and that they mean to finish him.

In investigating these delinquents, Jim finds out “Millford” is not a school, but a cemetery (nice touch, that). All the toughs (but one) were killed six months after his brother. Once Jim’s wife is killed, he makes a deal with some dark entity in an occult ritual where he sacrifices both his index fingers. The toughs show up, but are done in by a demonic version of Jim’s older brother. At the end, Jim knows this dark thing he has invited into his life will also… come back.

The story is a good one, and King does not compromise or cop out with a happy ending. In King’s world, dealing with dark forces often means a sacrifice, usually a big one.

Not so the film version. SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK was originally going to be an installment of CAT’S EYE, the 1985 anthology film that would also feature adaptations of the Night Shift stories “The Ledge” and “Quitters, Inc.” The producers decided SOMETIMES would be better as a stand-alone story, and substituted “General,” a story original to the film where a cat protects a little girl (Drew Barrymore) from a murderous troll.

The movie of SOMETIMES was produced for television by Dino De Laurentis (at one point in the film, Jim Norman and his family watch Dino’s KING KONG from 1976 on the old VCR). Jim Norman was played by Tim Matheson, who has been acting since he was five, and may be best remembered as the ultra-cool ladies man Otter in ANIMAL HOUSE (1978). Matheson commits fully to the role of a troubled teacher haunted by demons from his past. In fact, he saves one of the film’s more maudlin moments from sinking into a vat of treacle.

Tim Matheson and Brooke Adams in SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.

SOMETIMES takes its time developing Jim’s character and that of his family, as well as his normal (if somewhat troubled) world. This is fairly standard in King’s writing; he makes sure we are fully grounded before bringing in the more fantastic elements of his story. The TV-movie, unsure if people will have read the story, hedges its bets by having Tim Matheson doing a voice-over that mentions his brother’s murder and his subsequent troubles, and concludes with, “If I had known the horror we were facing, I’d have taken Sally and Scotty in my arms like my parents took me, and run from this town forever.”

Although the story is fairly close to King’s, there are some important differences. In the film version, the hoods block the two brothers as they are going through the tunnel, parking their car on the tracks. Instead of deliberately stabbing Wayne in the stomach and crotch (ouch), Wayne is jostled by one thug and runs into the switchblade of another. When the train comes, Jimmy grabs up the car keys from the ground as the thugs pile in. One escapes, but the thugs and Jimmy’s brother are consumed in a train-meets-car fireball.

The phantom car.

Present day, Jim is married to Brooke Adams (INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 1978 and THE DEAD ZONE, 1983) and also has a young son. (NOTE: I always wished they had cast Adams in SUPERMAN, 1978, because I thought she would have made a much sexier Lois Lane than Margot Kidder.)

As with Jack Torrance of The Shining, Jim Norman has had troubles because of his temper. In the movie we see each student who is killed off as they are murdered, and, in the first instance, the student is run off the road by a phantom car that only Jim and the student can see. Jim snaps at the thugs as they begin to take over his classroom, and also has a clairvoyant dream where he sees a bright female student being murdered. Jim leads the police to her hanging body, which casts suspicions on him for the murder.

A great bit in both prose and film versions is class jock and bully, Chip, confiding in Mr. Norman that these new students scare him, and mean the teacher real harm. In the story, Chip runs off (and is presumably killed), but in the movie he is taken for a ride in the phantom car and shown just what his new friends really look like—with burned corpse makeups right out of EC Comics… Cool, Daddy-O!

: SOMETIMES THEY COMES BACK and burn!

Another nice bit is that Jim periodically hears the train whistle, although the train stopped running years ago.

In the movie, Jim tracks down the only member of the gang to survive, Mueller, who is played by the great William Sanderson (BLADERUNNER, 1982 and TRUE BLOOD, 2008). Mueller is also “unfinished business” for the hoods.

In the end, everyone gathers at the railroad tunnel for a nice reunion from Hell, and the thugs plan to kill Jim and his wife and kid. Mueller valiantly takes a knife for Jim and his family, saying, “When someone dies… (urk, ack… expire)”

Out of a shimmering white hole emerges Wayne Norman, still looking twelve years old. He and Jim fend off the thugs until the Phantom Train from Hell arrives, right on time. It takes the thugs and their ghost roadster to the Abyss.

Wayne is confused, and thinks Jim’s son is Jimmy. Once he realizes he’s dead, Wayne wants Jimmy to come with him, and Jim tearfully explains his family needs him. It is a very corny moment, but Matheson manages to elevate it into something poignant and real. Wayne goes back to Limbo, knowing now he will be able to pass on to something better, and Jim will see him again someday.

Robert Rusler as the leader of the thugs who COME BACK.

Obviously, the movie ends happily, and there is no hint of dark magic, sacrifices or Jim unleashing something hellish. While King’s story is more satisfying in that regard, I found the movie to be entertaining, well written, directed and acted. The film was directed by Tom McLoughlin, who wrote and directed JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13^TH PART VI (1986) and was a writer and director of a whole lot of TV. The movie was written by Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, who also wrote such fine films as SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE (1987), STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991), the remake of PLANET OF THE APES (2001) and everyone’s favorite Nic Cage sorcery film THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE (2010) —or was that SEASON OF THE WITCH (2011)? Which one has Cage screaming, “The bees! The bees!” with a beehive on his head? Oh, right, THE WICKER MAN (2006) —but I digress. Acting-wise, besides Matheson and Adams, the thugs were all good, especially the leader, played by Robert Rusler, who was also in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, PART 2: FREDDY’S REVENGE (1982) and VAMP (1986). In fact, the only bad actor in the entire ensemble was the fellow that played Jim as a kid. He had an unfortunate resemblance to Jerry Mathers (TV’s LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, 1957-1963) and he always looked constipated when he cried, which was a lot. I checked his credits, and he only did one voice-over job after this effort…

Sometimes it’s good they don’t come back.

And There’s More to Come! A public service from your friends at THE REMOTE OUTPOST. Not only will we review the two sequels to SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK, we will give you a fairly detailed synopsis – that way, you need never watch either, or you’ll know how far to fast-forward if you just want to see Hilary Swank in tentacle porn.

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Remote Outpost: SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS (1973)

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2012, 70s Horror, Devil Movies, Mark Onspaugh Columns, Remote Outpost, Satan, TV-Movies with tags 1970s horror, Aaron Spelling, ABC Television Movie, Cheryl Ladd, Kate Jackson, Pamela Franklin, Roy Thinnes, Satan, School for Girls, TV Movies on April 25, 2012 by knifefighter

The Remote Outpost by Mark Onspaugh
SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS (1973) —DORMS OF THE DAMNED

“…this venerable institution has been providing young women with a quality education and an appreciation for the arts for over 300 years. Located on several acres that look deceptively Californian, this Massachusetts landmark features a small lake, treacherous woods and more thunderstorms than the Brazilian rainforest. In addition to private rooms, each student is provided with a flammable and fragile hurricane lamp in case of a power outtage, since a flashlight would be impractical for the third act.

…have been with us for years, perhaps centuries. The headmistress, called “The Dragon Lady”, seems more befuddled than mean. The head of the art department, Mr. Clampett, serves his students large amounts of wine and advises them to “hang loose.” And the professor of psychology, Dr. Delacroix, just may be an escaped Nazi scientist…

Prospective students often ask, “Why is it necessary I be an orphan?”, “Why did the last girl commit suicide?”, and “Is Satan on the faculty?”

- from the brochure for The Salem Academy for Women

***

SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS is sadly not the name of the academy in this made-for-TV fun fest from Aaron Spelling, who would go on to help create horrors like DYNASTY (1981-1989), BEVERLY HILLS 90210 (1990-2000), MELROSE PLACE (1992-1999), CHARMED (1998-2006) and Tori Spelling. Aaron Spelling, whose house is about the size of Utah, also brought us CHARLIE’S ANGELS (1976-1981), which has a direct bearing on our hellish center of higher learning. (Listing Aaron Spelling’s credits would take most of the day, and there are some hugely successful shows we haven’t mentioned. Did he make a deal with the Devil? Is that why he got the Devil to do a guest spot in this movie? These are questions best left to professionals who aren’t afraid of ending up with a multi-eyed goat chasing them or having their face melt in some demonic weather anomaly… Neither of those things happen in this movie, which is too bad, but they happen with some regularity to those who piss off The Prince of Darkness, so I am going to let that sleeping three-headed-dog lie.)

We do not begin our adventure at the school, but with a pretty young girl named Martha Sayers driving a GM muscle car down a dirt road at a high rate of speed. POV shots show us she is all over the road and the tires squeal in protest. She keeps looking behind her for long beats, making me sure she was going to wrap her car around a tree or maybe one of Satan’s minions. Was this the school’s defensive driving course? Were the girls training to be chauffeurs for foreign potentates or possible GF’s for Jason Statham? The questions pile up as she passes a pay phone outside the standard “gas station in the middle of nowhere.” She stops, considers the phone. “Keep driving, you idiot!” I yell at my screen. She ignores me (they always do) and parks next to the phone. She tries to reach someone, but the party she is calling does not answer. She tells the operator that “Elizabeth” promised to be there. Before the operator can tell her this is not the phone company’s problem, our girl Martha sees a disheveled man lurch toward the phone. She tosses her cigarette and screams, runs to the car and peels out. He picks up the cig and takes a puff, and shakes his head in that world-weary way the TV homeless do.

Terry Lumley is a scream as Martha Sayers in SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.

Martha reaches a lavish house next to a lake, and pounds on the front door… No one is home. She looks through the windows, growing more and more frantic. An old man walks up carrying a sickle. Confirming that Martha is Martha, he tells her her sister had to go out to the grocery store and left the house keys with him… Martha, displaying more courage than sense, moves in close enough to take the keys… Ah, turns out he is old Mr. Red Herring, the caretaker. Martha lets herself in and does not get filleted. The old man shakes his head in that world-weary way that TV caretakers who are not murderers do.

It’s a nice home —just what does her sister do for a living? —and Martha is relieved. She looks out at the lake, thinking everything just might turn out all right… Then, she realizes something is standing behind her. She turns, and her eyes go wide and she screams —the actress, Terry Lumley actually looked crazy, which was unnerving.

NOW Elizabeth comes home. She’s played by Pamela Franklin, who was also in THE INNOCENTS (1961), NECROMANCY (with Orson Welles! 1972) and THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE (1973). She finds the caretaker and two cops at her front door. The caretaker heard her sister scream and called the police. Although Elizabeth is standing there, the cops try to break down the door—she pushes past them and unlocks it with her key. But the skimpy chain has been drawn—Elizabeth asks the cop to break in… In one of my favorite moments, he does not slam into the door, but SHOOTS THE CHAIN —had I made this movie, Martha would already have died, but now have a bullet wound, as well. Alas, this does not happen —although we never learn just where that shot went. Everyone barges in and we find that Martha has hanged herself. It’s one of the worst reunions ever.

Elizabeth is sure her sister was murdered, because she was so happy. No one has a clue that she was unhappy… Except the caretaker, who no one bothers to talk to… The little fact that he was the last person to see Martha alive seems to have been forgotten… But when cops are trying to break down doors and using bullets as keys, a lot must get lost in the shuffle.

Elizabeth decides she will find out what happened to her sister. In true 70’s transition, we see a jumbo jet take off and wing eastward. First stop, Martha’s BFF Lucy, played by Gwynne Gilford of BEWARE! THE BLOB (1972) and MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987). Lucy serves sherry but keeps trying to get Elizabeth to drink some vodka… It’s a weird bit that never goes anywhere. When Elizabeth decides she will visit the school, Lucy freaks out and begs her not to tell anyone they talked. Elizabeth seems to take this is stride and leaves Lucy and her liquor cabinet for the gentle, rolling hills of Hell U.

Now, mind you, Elizabeth does not fill out any applications or go to some shady back alley for fake ID, transcripts, etc. She seems to have merely called ahead and is accepted that day for classes. This sort of thing only happens in bad movies and commercials for trade colleges. Elizabeth drives another GM muscle car (can you deduce who provided vehicles for SSFG?) and is met at her parking spot by two angels and a head case. Actually, that would be Roberta (Kate Jackson, an original Charlie’s Angel), Jody (Cheryl Ladd, the “cousin” of Farrah Fawcett’s Angel) and Debbie (Jamie Smith-Jackson), who we know is artistic because she wears a bandana on her head. Various ominous comments are made about the headmistress, who the girls call “The Dragon Lady.” To get Elizabeth ready for her first encounter with this gorgon, they give her a brandy snifter full of chardonnay —this is the sort of glass that serves as a fish tank in romantic comedies, but here it is just filled with wine, albeit, enough wine to get everyone in Hrothgar’s great hall drunk.

Pamela Franklin as Elizabeth and future Charlie's Angel Kate Jackson as Roberta in SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.

Elizabeth goes off to meet the headmistress, Mrs. Williams. She’s played by Jo Van Fleet who was in great films like EAST OF EDEN (1955), GUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. CORRAL (1957), COOL HAND LUKE (1967) and THE TENANT (1976). She welcomes Elizabeth to the school and gives her a schedule of classes that start immediately. I kept yelling at Elizabeth that it was a trap, but it didn’t matter —no one discovers Elizabeth’s subterfuge until she herself admits it much later.

We meet her first teacher, art instructor and department head Dr. Clampett, played by Roy Thinnes, who did a whole slew of roles, but is best remembered by us at the Outpost for his turn as David Vincent on THE INVADERS (1967-1968). Clampett is good-looking and all the girls are gaga over him. He reviews a couple of paintings by the girls, including Debbie’s. Debbie’s painting is of Elizabeth’s sister Martha in an ancient room, looking terrified. Elizabeth makes a mental note to grill the artist later… which is probably what the school founder (hint: horns, tail, pitchfork) is also planning.

Dr. Clampett encourages them to “hang loose,” and reminds the girls he is having a wine party that evening… Can we trust him? He certainly is the sort the magazine was thinking of when they asked “What sort of man reads Playboy?” —he has the groovy clothes and one can only imagine a state-of-the-art stereo and NaugahydeÔ furniture… Probably a GM muscle car, too (maybe a Barracuda or a Road Runner), but we never see anything but his classroom.

Elizabeth questions Debbie in the hall —who was in the painting, why did she paint it, was she influenced by Seurat at all? (Sorry, that last was just me showing off.) Debbie can’t remember much, but is pretty sure she was in that room at some point, which is “down under the building.”

Next, it’s off to Behavioral Psychology… Why they are teaching this course in a fine arts college, I don’t know. It may be that the rats in the class were all they could afford for a “creep factor,” though domesticated rats are pretty low on the spectrum. The instructor here is Dr. Delacroix, played with stern intensity by Lloyd Bochner, who seems to have guested on every TV show ever made, including the role of “The Old Vampire” in THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERBOY (1988-1992), which I must rent immediately, and THE DUNWICH HORROR (1970). Delacroix is teaching rats to run a maze and find food behind a red door. When they master that, he’ll switch to a white door, and then back again—over and over and over. While we puzzle over who is supporting such questionable research (my money is on Monsanto or McDonald’s), he demands the girls explain why he is torturing rodents. Only newcomer Elizabeth knows the answer, to “make them passive.” Delacroix takes this metaphorical ball and runs with it, saying such minds would become pliable and could be made to do anything. He’s like a Bond villain without the budget, and you kind of feel sorry for him.

After class, Debbie starts raving and freaks out, collapsing in the hall and going on about rats and red doors. Do the girls call the nurse? Do they call for a teacher? Nope, and don’t expect one to show up, either. Either the staff is deaf or students go mad with some regularity. It’s off to bed with a cold washcloth on her forehead. Roberta says they’ll watch her —if she’s not better by morning, they’ll tell the Dragon Lady. As if on cue, Debbie rouses and wants to gnaw on… a vegan snack. Or granola.

Clampett’s wine party does not, I am sorry to say, take place in his groovy bachelor pad. Just in the art studio. He is, however, the only adult and the only male. This is the sort of situation that either becomes a sitcom, a Police song or an episode of Law & Order SVU. The girls drink, Clampett leers, and a good time is had by all…

Idyllic campus life is interrupted by the news that alumni Lucy has committed suicide. Debbie remarks, “That’s two of us,” and Elizabeth pumps her for more info. During a storm of epic proportions (thunder like Thor’s hammer, doncha know), Elizabeth steals Debbie’s painting of Martha from the art studio and goes searching for a room that matches it… She goes down into the basement with just her hurricane lamp and the painting, past a room full of creepy theatrical props. Going through an empty wine cellar (no wonder, with the way everyone on campus is swilling the stuff), she finds an ancient-looking door. Beyond that door is the room in the painting. Elizabeth is scanning the room for signs of what killed her sister (cabalistic symbols, demon spoor, a hoof print or two) when she sees someone in the shadows with a straight razor. Not being a fool, Elizabeth hightails it out of there, fast.

Elizabeth goes to Roberta since she seems the most level-headed. She tells Roberta what she has seen and says that Debbie is terrified of the room in the sub-sub-basement. Roberta tells her that’s because a group of girls supposedly hung themselves in a basement room during the time of the Salem Witch Trials. She agrees to help investigate the spooky room with Elizabeth, who is now certain she saw Delacroix with the razor.

The next evening, poor Debbie makes a break for it, running off campus. Later, Elizabeth and Roberta find her in the secret room, strangled with pantyhose. They go to the Dragon Lady, and tells her it looks like Debbie is another suicide… Eh? Dragon Lady mutters she must call the sheriff. She does the old “dialing while I have my finger on the disconnect bit.” She tells the girls to wait. They look for files on the girls who committed suicide —they are missing, including Debbie’s… So is Delacroix’s file. Elizabeth tells Roberta that she is actually Martha’s sister. They search for the missing files in Delacroix’s classroom and find them conveniently placed next to his rat maze. Delacroix confronts them, sure they are in league with you-know-who. He panics at something unseen and jumps out a window.

Enter heroic and handsome Dr. Clampett. He learns Elizabeth’s true identity and tells the girls to stay put. Rather than wait for the sheriff who isn’t coming, he is sure he can talk Delacroix into giving himself up.

Delacroix runs through the woods, tripping over every root, rock and shadow. He then blunders into the lake. In a mildly creepy scene, he is nearly surrounded by girls on the dock and on shore who poke at him with long poles. In case you were wondering, none of the girls is wearing a PETA shirt, since that organization won’t be founded for another seven years.

Clampett goes to the Head Mistress and tells her he wants the school evacuated. While Roberta and Elizabeth wait patiently, all the other girls are being loaded onto buses and a van… Only eight girls are left, but Clampett assures the others he will see to them. Elizabeth, hearing the buses leave, runs out to see what is going on. Seeing that everyone is being evacuated, she goes to her own car, only to have dead and soggy Dr. Delacroix spill out of the driver’s seat.

Elizabeth goes back to Roberta, who lures her back to the secret room. She shoves Elizabeth in, where Clampett (in a black robe) waits with the other girls (all in white). Roberta, of course, is one of his girls. In a rather cool aside, she tells Elizabeth that he is “Malleus Maleficarum,” or “The Witches’ Hammer”—I had to look this up, and it’s a famous medieval treatise on witches designed to help priests and magistrates identify witches. Not sure how Clampett came by the title, but it does sound kind of cool, especially if you don’t know what the Malleus Maleficarum really is.

Clampett then explains that he “lost” his girls a long time ago, and it’s taken him “many years” to find replacements. All I can say is, this particular Son of Darkness is a real underachiever —it’s taken him over 300 years to find the right girls? Dude’s been spending too much time drinking chardonnay and listening to bebop.

Elizabeth now takes her trusty lamp and throws it at the ground. It shatters and flames spread quickly. Elizabeth makes a run for it, and no one stops her. Clampett tells his comely disciples to wait, that soon they will all be together. Elizabeth manages to get Mrs. Williams out and throws another unsafe lantern into Clampett’s path. He smiles, and goes back to the secret room, now an inferno. With no more concern than stepping into a tepid bath, he walks on in…

Elizabeth watches her brief alma mater go up in flames, sure that the guilty have been punished. On a nearby hillside, Clampett watches the fire and smiles, then fades away, leaving a patch of scorched earth with a little wisp of smoke… If you were hoping for even a cheesy devil head or man-in-a-rubber-demon-suit, I am afraid this is the only evidence you get that Clampett was indeed Satan, or, at least, one of his more suave minions.

A few burned matches pretty much covers the effects budget for SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.

For all my carping and sniping, this is not a horrible movie. True, the constraints of television at the time (1973) mean no nudity and almost no gore. Budget constraints were probably the reason we do not get a cool reveal of Thinnes as the Devil—even some modest horns and bad skin would have been fine, but alas… However, the acting is all good across the board, and Pamela Franklin’s Elizabeth is brave, committed and strong —she is proactive and every bit the heroine, never wimping out or seeking help from (the admittedly small pool of) males.

The movie was remade in 2000 with Shannen Doherty, another Spelling favorite. Kate Jackson returned to play the Head Mistress, now called the Dean. It looks like the remake is much more centered around a mini-coven of five witches who want to rule the world. I wanted to compare and contrast the movies, but only snippets of the remake seem available at this time. If I can hunt down a copy we may revisit these not-so-hallowed halls again.

One last note: I am not sure I understand the motivation of Satan finding seven orphan girls only to have them kill themselves—seems like the guy should have plenty of souls by now (almost as many as hamburgers served by McDonald’s). Why not train them to go out and spread misery and malice around the world, corrupting and terrifying the populace—wouldn’t that be more devilish and hellish? I guess when you spend all your time looking cool for teenage girls and finally manifesting your demon side as charred grass and less smoke than a Camel cigarette, our expectations of you as a The Fallen One should be very, very low.

Remote Outpost… out.

(Mark Onspaugh is currently editing an anthology entitled The Forsaken with Stoker Award winner Joe McKinney for 23 House. His essay, “Evilution: A Short History of Monsters from Black & White to Blood Red” appears in “Butcher Knives and Body Counts: Essays on the Formula, Frights and Fun of the Slasher Film” edited by Vince A. Liaguno for Dark Scribe Press.)

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Remote Outpost: SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS (1973)

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