(Here’s another installment of our monthly column where we discuss what movies are coming out this month.)
CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: COMING ATTRACTIONS: MARCH 2010
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
(THE SCENE: the great void of space. Blackness dotted with shimmering stars. Not a sound is heard. The camera pans back to reveal MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES seated on futuristic chairs in front of a large screen, on which they are viewing the galaxy.)
MA: Hear that?
LS: I don’t hear anything.
MA: That’s because space is a vacuum. There’s no sound.
LS: I know, I know. I saw ALIEN, too. “In space, no one can hear you scream.” But that’s out there. We’re in here. So I can hear you just fine.
MA: Shh! Don’t ruin my point.
LS: Which is?
MA: That the month of March is like the great void of space in terms of new horror movies. There’s not a lot happening this month.
LS: You mean you rented this ship, took us to the farthest reaches of the galaxy, just to say there’s not a whole lot coming out in March?
MA: Sort of, yeah. Would you have rather just stayed on Earth?
LS: Hell, no! I just wanted to know what we were doing out here, that’s all. I thought maybe we’d be hunting some acid-bleeding aliens or something.
MA: No, sorry to say, there aren’t any aliens on the horizon this month. In fact, March 5, there aren’t any genre films opening at all, other than the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp/Disney fantasy ALICE IN WONDERLAND, and since that’s probably geared more for the kiddies, we’ve decided to take our Cinema Knife Fight elsewhere that weekend.
Our most likely destination instead will be SORORITY ROW (2009), a film we passed over during its initial theatrical run. It’s being shown on ONDEMAND (cable TV) this month. Look for our review of SORORITY ROW to be posted on Monday March 8.
SORORITY ROW is the story of a group of sorority sisters who tangle with a serial killer when they try to cover up the accidental death of one their friends. Sounds like one big college prank to me!
LS: SORORITY ROW was another one of those movies where they gave away the entire story in the trailer. Way too much information. It’s also yet another horror movie remake. There must have been something better out that week for us to review. But do you notice how these movies come back to haunt us? If we didn’t review them then, we end up reviewing them now on the weeks where nothing is in theaters.
(Door slides open and a group of beautiful sorority girls burst into the room and envelop MA and LS with their affections.)
MA: Hello girls! Good of you to stop by!
LS: Hey, I’m married! Stop that!
(Girls giggle and exit).
LS: Wait, where are you going?
MA (Blushing, trying to keep his composure): Well, based on that display, maybe it’ll be a good movie after all! Then again, it could be as foolish and cliché as the sorority girl depiction we just gave you!
Hmm, on March 8, we’ll let you know.
(LS is suddenly holding onto a basket)
MA: Where did that come from?
LS: I want you to meet my little friend.
MA: A machine gun?
(He opens the lid and a strange, malformed CREATURE pops its head out)
CREATURE: It’s me, Belial, the little brother from the classic horror film BASKET CASE (1982), directed by Frank Hennenlotter.
LS: Yep. There’s nothing new coming out on March 12th, so I’ll be doing a solo review of Frank Hennenlotter’s new movie, BAD BIOLOGY, that recently came out on DVD. I don’t know much about it, but I’m a big Hennenlotter fan, and I’m looking forward to it.
BELIAL: Yay! He made a new movie!
LS: Yeah, it’s been awhile. For some reason, Michael doesn’t want to review this one with me. I guess he’s too scared.
MA: Let’s put it this way. Unlike you, I wouldn’t use the words “classic” and BASKET CASE in the same sentence
Then on March 19, at long last, we’ll be reviewing a new theatrical release, the science fiction thriller REPO MEN starring Jude Law and Forest Whitaker. Its story is set in the future, and it’s about the harvesting of human organs. Sounds pretty scary, and I for one am looking forward to seeing it.
LS: Yeah, this one definitely seems to have horror overtones. These guys repossess organs from people who can’t pay up. The idea reminds me a lot of the Monty Python movie, THE MEANING OF LIFE (1983). There’s a skit in there where two guys knock on someone’s door and announce that he’s a “live organ donor.” It’s like they took that skit and made a whole movie out of it. I hope the movie is as bloody as the Python sketch.
MA: And we finish March with a review of PANDORUM (2009), another movie we passed over in its initial theatrical release, because it sounded like Pan-bore-dom! It’s also playing ONDEMAND this month, and since this is a slow month in terms of new movies, we thought me might finally give it a look.
PANDORUM is a space thriller— see, there was another reason for us coming out here in space. It ties in with one of our movies— starring Dennis Quaid, who we saw recently in LEGION, and before that, in about a billion other movies! Truth be told, PANDORUM sounds rather dull, and I remember the preview looking even duller, but hey, we’re not here to pre-judge. That being said, I still don’t have high hopes for PANDORUM.
LS: I didn’t think it sounded that bad. In fact, I’m curious to see it. I’m sorry we missed it the first time around.
MA: There is a chance that PANDORUM might be postponed, however. There are two theatrical releases the weekend of March 26, that don’t fall clearly into the horror category. They’re more of the thriller variety, but they look fairly interesting. There’s CHLOE, starring Julianne Moore, a drama about a woman who suspects her husband of cheating on her and what she does about it (No, it’s not a biopic about Tiger Woods!), and there’s THE ECLIPSE, which I think sounds rather intriguing, the story of a widower plagued by disturbing visions which may or not be ghost-related. It stars Aidan Quinn.
LS: Ghosts? Sounds like it could be a horror movie to me. I don’t know much about either movie, and there’s a chance they may be in limited release. So I guess we’ll see what happens.
MA: Just a note that the movie THE ECLIPSE should NOT be confused with the upcoming third installment of the TWILIGHT series, called ECLIPSE. That one is due out on June 30. Excuse me for just one moment. (Sticks his head outside window and SCREAMS!!! Not a sound is heard).
LS: How about that? In space no one can hear you scream!
MA: Sorry about that. I just can’t believe I had to mention the TWILIGHT saga again.
LS: Enough! Before I scream!
MA: Anyway, there is an outside possibility we may review one of these instead of PANDORUM. A lot of it depends on what kind of release they get, and if they appear to be more closely related to horror. Right now, they appear to be on the fence. We’ll let you know.
In the meantime, I suppose we should turn this ship around so we can get back and get working on these reviews.
LS (Turns green): Yeah, I’m starting to get a bit space sick. (sprouts pointy ears.)
MA: Whoa! Let’s get this ship home fast! (to audience) See you all next weekend! Hopefully.