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DRIVE

Posted in 2011, Action Movies, Art Movies, Cars!, Cinema Knife Fights, Crime Films, Highly Stylized Films, The Mob, Thrillers with tags , , , , , on September 19, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: DRIVE (2011)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

 

(THE SCENE: A silver Chevy Impala parked on the street. MICHAEL ARRUDA is at the wheel. Two thugs sit in the back seat.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA (to thugs): You have five minutes. Everything that happens within that five minutes, I’m yours. After that, you’re on your own. Now go.

(Thugs put on bright red hats, grab their pizza boxes, and dash out of the car. They each race to a separate house.)

MA (to camera): Now, that’s what I call an efficient pizza delivery service! If these guys don’t make it back to the car within five minutes, they walk home, without pay, tips included. And if they give me any grief (flashes gun) they go home in a body bag, or if we’re out of bags, a giant pizza box. Either way, they’re not going home happy, since they’ll be dead.

(Another car, this one a big, black Cadillac pulls next to the Chevy Impala. L.L. SOARES is at the wheel, and two even bigger THUGS sit in the back seat of this car as well.)

L.L. SOARES (to his THUGS): Okay, you have— two minutes.

THUG # 1: Two? You said five before?

LS: Well, I changed my mind. Hey, you dummies going to sit there and argue, or are you going to do the job? The clock’s ticking,

(THUGS move to exit the car, but find the doors are locked.)

THUGS: What the—?

LS: You didn’t think I was going to make this easy on you, did you? Hey, if you work for me, you gotta earn it!

THUG # 2: Earn it? We can’t get out of the car!

LS: Two big strong apes like you, and you can’t get out of a car? I don’t think you guys are the real deal. Maybe you ought to go into accounting. (Pulls out a huge magnum and aims it at thugs): Can you get out of the car now?

(THUGS kick open doors and jump out of car. They race onto the lawn and tackle the pizza delivery thugs, sending pizza and dollar bills flying everywhere. The four thugs begin to kick the living daylights out of each other.)

MA (rolls down window and addresses LS): Two minutes? You always have to try to one-up me, don’t you?

LS: Not only that, my guys have been instructed to steal your pizzas and deliver them. So we don’t even have to spend money on pizza dough. No overhead.

MA: You realize, this means war!

LS: Bring it on, Pizza Boy!

MA: That’s Pizza MAN to you!

LS: No, PIZZA MAN is a bad Bill Maher movie from 1991.

(MA steps on gas, and the Chevy peels out , racing onto the road, and at the same time, LS steps on his gas pedal, and suddenly both cars are racing down the road at incredible speeds.)

MA (to LS): Hey! While we’re driving, this might be a good time to review this week’s movie, DRIVE (2011).

LS: Sure. Why don’t you go first? I don’t want to crash. (Barely misses running over a pedestrian)

MA: What? You can’t drive and review a movie at the same time?

LS: I can do better than that! (LS is suddenly driving, texting, and talking on a cell phone all at the same time.)

MA: Show off! Anyway, today we’re reviewing DRIVE, the new action thriller starring Ryan Gosling.

Gosling plays a character known simply as The Driver, which reminded me immediately of a 1970s movie, THE DRIVER (1978) in which Ryan O’Neal also played a character named The Driver who also drove getaway cars, but the thing I remember most—and liked the most— in that movie was Bruce Dern being cast against type as The Detective, the guy who’s out to catch The Driver.

LS: Maybe Dern stood out because Ryan O’Neal was never much of an actor. I know Ryan Gosling could act circles around him.

MA: Anyway, back to this Driver. Gosling’s Driver drives getaway cars when he’s not working as a stunt driver in the movies or as a mechanic at a local garage for his friend Shannon (Bryan Cranston).

LS: Where does he find the time?

MA: In the film’s stylish pre-credit sequence, we learn exactly how The Driver operates. He gives his associates five minutes to pull off the job, and if they make it back to him in five minutes, he’ll drive them, and if they don’t, he’s gone. And once he drives, he’s one cool cucumber, and, as his friend Shannon describes him, he’s never seen anyone as gifted behind the wheel.

When he’s not working, The Driver can’t help but notice his very cute neighbor Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her little boy, who live in the apartment next to him. They become friends, and soon they start spending lots of time together, and it’s obvious that The Driver and Irene have feelings for each other, even though she’s married, and her husband’s in prison. When her husband Standard (Oscar Isaac) returns home from prison, he finds that he can’t shake his past, and suddenly his family’s life is threatened if he doesn’t do another job. The Driver offers to help Standard pull off the job in order to protect Irene and her son.

Meanwhile, The Driver’s buddy and employer Shannon makes a deal with a local “businessman”(read “loan shark”) named Bernie Rose (Albert Brooks, in a deliciously dark performance) to borrow money from Rose in order to pay for a race car to be driven by The Driver. Rose and his partner Nino (Ron Perlman) are cold-hearted, brutal men who don’t take anything very lightly.

These two storylines cross when Standard’s robbery attempt goes wrong, and The Driver suddenly finds himself having to take on Rose and Nino in order to protect Irene and her son, as well as himself.

LS: Don’t look now, but here come the police!

(Two black and white police cars are suddenly behind them in high speed pursuit.)

MA: This is what I’m talking about! (Steps on gas and car speeds up even faster. LS accelerates his car as well.)

Anyway, I liked DRIVE a lot. While I called this one an action thriller, it’s really not in the traditional sense of the term. It doesn’t have massive explosions, elaborate gun battles, and beefed up heroes running around kicking the crap out of the bad guys. This one is much more stylish and subtle than all that, and I found it better for it.

The exciting pre-credit sequence captures the feel of this movie right away. The Driver is a man of few words, and he operates as if he’s an extension of the car. There’s something quiet about these scenes. You feel as if you’re inside the car with him, as you hear the engine sounds from the inside rather than the outside.

As a man of few words, The Driver doesn’t do a whole lot of talking with Irene, yet they share strong chemistry, and their relationship works. I believed in their feelings for each other. Granted, a lot of the time spent in the movie on their relationship is slow-paced, but the entire film has a deliberate pace, and so this didn’t bother me all that much.

LS: Gosling is so good that he speaks volumes with very few words. Despite the fact that The Driver is so taciturn, he communicates just fine. Although, you do wonder sometimes what is going through that mind of his. Which makes it all the more unpredictable.

MA: Once The Driver offers to help Standard, and things don’t go as planned, the movie takes off and never looks back, hitting high hear and remaining there. There are some really intense scenes, including a really cool car chase scene, as you would expect, and also some suspenseful fight scenes. The movie also becomes more brutally graphic as it goes along, building more and more tension all the way to its ending, which I found satisfying.

LS (licks lips): Oh yeah, the violence is great in this one.

MA: I really enjoyed the way Nicolas Winding Refn directed this one. I thought it was stylish from start to finish. The car chase scenes were well done, and the violence was sufficiently disturbing but not gratuitous.

I thought the screenplay by Hossein Arnin, based on a book by James Sallis, was excellent, as it also contributed to the style of this movie. The dialogue isn’t the standard action movie dialogue, and these characters aren’t stock action movie characters either. When Standard first meets The Driver, and confronts him about spending time with his wife and son while he was in prison, a lesser movie would have had Standard threaten The Driver, saying something like “stay away from my wife,” but he doesn’t. Yet, you still know he’s uncomfortable and unhappy about the relationship, just by the way he looks.

LS: The guy who wrote the original book, James Sallis, is a really good writer whose style seems cinematic by itself. I’m not surprised it translated so well to the screen. I’m just glad that there was a decent screenwriter who didn’t screw it up.

MA: When Standard is roughed up by some thugs, and The Driver asks him who did this to him, Standard replies, “Why? What are you going to do? Beat them up for me?” Which made me chuckle because I was thinking the same thing. There was something very refreshing about this script.

I also liked that the story was unpredictable. I wasn’t really sure where this story was going or what was going to happen and this remained true all the way down to the film’s final scene. That doesn’t happen very often.

LS: There’s a lot about this movie that isn’t business as usual. Another example is the relationship between The Driver and Irene. Not once do we see them in a hot and heavy sex scene, yet we completely buy that they love each other. Normally this would piss me off, because I think there’s a real Puritanical streak in modern Hollywood movies, but here it actually works. For some reason, you don’t need to see them in the sack to know they really want each other. They yearn for each other.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: This is the police! Pull over! (A police helicopter flies above them).

MA (sticks head out window): Sorry, we can’t pull over. We’re reviewing a movie!

VOICE FROM HELICOPTER: Who do you guys think you are? Cinema Knife Fighters?

LS (sticking head out window): In the flesh! Now go get bent so we can finish our review of this movie!

VOICE FROM HELICOPTER: Oh, well in that case, drive on. Just remember to wear your seatbelts.

MA: Yeah, yeah.

I enjoyed the characters, especially The Driver. I liked the fact that The Driver, as efficiently cool and tough as he was, wasn’t some Sylvester Stallone superguy hero who simply beats the crap out of the bad guys without breaking a sweat. With those types of characters, you know they’re going to come out on top. The Driver was different. He was vulnerable, and so you weren’t sitting there EXPECTING him to blow all the bad guys away. You weren’t so sure, and this worked to the film’s advantage. I thought Ryan Gosling did an excellent job creating this quiet heroic character.

LS: There’s something about existential heroes and fast cars. My favorite action film of last year was FASTER, where Duane “The Rock” Johnson played an amped-up, no-nonsense guy who gets revenge with very few words, and a fast car to get him there. DRIVE is like the smarter version of that movie in some ways. Hell, all of the acting here is top-notch, but Gosling owns the camera every time he’s onscreen.

I’ve been aware of Gosling ever since his mesmerizing performance as a neo-Nazi in 2001’s THE BELIEVER. He was also pretty great as a crack-addicted teacher in HALF-NELSON (2006). He’s an exceptional young actor who is capable of great intensity. DRIVE might just be his best movie yet. The fact that he is able to do so much with so little dialogue is amazing. I can’t praise this guy enough.

MA: But a movie is only as good as its villain, and Albert Brooks as Bernie Rose is every bit as good as he appeared to be in the previews. He’s one cold-hearted son of a bitch. I loved Brooks in this role. He’s GOODFELLAS scary, and he’d make Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci proud. He actually reminded me of someone else in this movie, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Even now I’m baffled. At times, his performance reminded me of Rod Steiger, but I don’t think that’s who I was thinking of. Anyway, there are lots of good parts about DRIVE, but the best part is Brooks’ performance. It’s Oscar-worthy.

LS: Well, I think Gosling is just as good and his role is just as Oscar-worthy, but it’s a very different performance. Brooks stands out because he is playing against type, and doing a terrific job at it. Remember, Brooks started as a comedian, directing and starring in movies like REAL LIFE (1979) and MODERN ROMANCE (1981). Heck, I remember when he was starting out making short, funny movies for SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE in the early days of that show. But he has come into his own as a dramatic actor. There’s a real likability to Brooks, and he plays off that here perfectly, as a man who seems to be your friend one minute and then turns deadly at the drop of a hat. He really is perfect in this role.

MA: Ron Perlman is also excellent as Rose’s partner Nino, but he’s not as good as Brooks. I enjoyed Carey Mulligan as Irene. She’s good looking, sure, but her quiet performance made her the perfect match for The Driver.

LS: I think Perlman is underrated here. He turns in another great performance. But he’s playing the kind of gangster who is violent and intimidating and who is the exact opposite of Albert Brooks’ character. That’s why their scenes together are so good. Perlman’s Nino is a musclehead who thinks he’s a lot smarter than he is. But he defers to Brooks’s Bernie Rose. Why? Nino appears to be the more threatening bad guy. But Brooks is even scarier, and he sells it. And part of why that works so well is because he has Perlman to play off of. The two have perfect chemistry as the bad guys here.

MA: Hmm, sounds like two other guys we know.

LS: Who?

MA (chuckles): Never mind.

LS: I also really liked Carey Mulligan as Irene. She got a lot of attention from her role in the 2009 film, AN EDUCATION, but it wasn’t a fluke. She’s a really good actress and is perfectly cast here. Like you said, she’s also cute as hell.

Hell, even the kid, Kaden Leos as Benecio, is really good here, and I rarely like child actors.

MA: That’s an understatement. You hate child actors! You’d rather eat them for breakfast than watch them in a movie!

LS: That’s not true at all. I never eat children— for breakfast.

MA: Bryan Cranston does a fine job as The Driver’s friend and employer Shannon. Cranston was just in CONTAGION, and he was very good in that too.

LS: I don’t care about CONTAGION. If you want to see Cranston at his best, just watch the amazing AMC show BREAKING BAD, where he’ll dazzle you every Sunday night as a high school chemistry teacher turned meth cook. This guy has come a long way from playing the goofy dad on MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE.

MA: And as Irene’s husband Standard, Oscar Isaac, who we saw earlier this year in SUCKER PUNCH (2011) does a nice job. He makes the guy a real person, not just an ordinary ex-convict cliché.

LS: Yeah, Oscar Isaac is good here, too. And don’t forget Christina Hendricks ( who plays the uber-sexy Joan on another AMC series, MAD MEN) as Blanche, a woman who is forced to go along with Standard on his little “mission.” It’s a small role, but Hendricks does a fine job trying to be less glamorous as usual (but hell, glamor is in this lady’s genes) as a woman without many options in her life.

I think the casting here is a big part of why the movie is so good at what it does. With a less-talented cast, DRIVE wouldn’t be half as much fun.

MA: Yep, DRIVE is the real deal. It’s a slick production that is as smooth and polished as a freshly waxed Thunderbird. It draws its audience in immediately, and then moves along with a quiet efficiency on all cylinders, taking them on one fulfilling thrill ride. I give it three and a half knives.

LS: Oh yeah, well I give it four knives. What do you think of that? I loved this movie, and it’s easily one of the best movies we’ve seen this year.

MA: Always trying to one-up me!

What’s sad about this is I saw DRIVE in a theater that was practically empty. I hope people go out and see this one.

(MA and LS suddenly realize they are headed straight for a cliff. They both jump out of their cars at exactly the right moment before the vehicles hurtle to their destruction)

LS (brushes himself off): Well, that was fun.

MA (gets up): Sure was. Now, what?

LS: How about a pizza?

MA: Sounds good. (Pulls out his cell phone). Hello? Guys, you there? Listen, I’m by the cliffs. I want that pizza. You have five minutes.

LS (Pulls out his cell phone): Okay, dummies, listen up. In two minutes—-.

-THE END-

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives DRIVE ~three and a half knives!

LL Soares gives DRIVE ~four knives.

2 Comments »

SEASON OF THE WITCH

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Demons, Nicolas Cage Movies, Witches with tags , , , , , on January 10, 2011 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: SEASON OF THE WITCH (2010)
by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

(The Scene: A Medieval forest. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES ride on horseback, leading a group of knights and priests transporting a jail carriage holding a caged witch through the forest.)

MA: Welcome, everyone! We’ve signed up for witch duty so we can review the new movie SEASON OF THE WITCH.

LS: Just what is “witch duty” anyway?

MA: Well, it’s when we get paid for—.

LS: We finally get paid? I like witch duty!

MA: Yeah, we get paid for helping these folks transport an evil witch through the forest so she can be tried by a group of monks in the hope of ending the Black Plague, since folks back in these medieval times believed that witches caused these sort of things.

LS: You just gave your plot summary.

MA: Pretty much. Anyway, we’ll kill two bats with one stone, as we’ll review the movie while transporting the witch.

LS (Looks back at girl in jail cart): But she’s so cute. How can she be a witch?

(Girl in cart waves, winks, and flirts with LS.)

MA (to LS): Hey, stop that! She’s supposed to be evil.

LS: What’s wrong with that?

MA: Need I remind you that you’re married?

LS: Not in Cinema Knife Fight World, brother…ahem…. Don’t you have a movie to start talking about?

MA: Yes, let’s get started. SEASON OF THE WITCH (2010) is a tale of two 14th-century knights, Behmen (Nicholas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman). The movie starts off with multiple battle scenes in which we get to see just how cool and bad-ass Behmen and Felson can be. They’re the “A-Team” of the Crusades. They never die, and they kill everybody, that is, until one day Behmen kills a defenseless woman, and then realizes he and his knight buddies have just slaughtered a castle full of women and children in the name of God. Disillusioned, Behmen and his buddy Felson desert the crusaders.

LS (laughs): What a dope. That’s not how the movie starts. The movie starts with three women being tried as witches and hung. And drowned. But one won’t stay dead.

MA: Dope? It’s impossible for you to get through a review without making insults. I guess you think you’re still in grade school.

A plot summary is a condensed version of the movie, bud. It’s not meant to include every friggin detail! Dummy.

This desertion doesn’t last long, because soon they’re recognized, captured, and brought to the ailing Cardinal D’Ambroise (Christopher Lee).

LS: It took me a little bit to realize that was Christopher Lee. He’s almost unrecognizable with that plague-scabbed make-up job. I dunno what gave it away for me – his eyes, his curled lip. But I was like “Hey, isn’t that the great Christopher Lee?” Isn’t he like 90 by now? But he keeps making movies!

MA: Yes, Lee is pushing 90. He’s 88.

The Cardinal is dying from the plague, and he beseeches Behmen and Felson to serve the church once more by transporting an evil witch across the dangerous countryside to an abbey where a group of monks in possession of a powerful prayer book will be able to try the witch, and if she is found guilty, she will be executed.

LS: Boy, you just said a mouthful.

MA: This is crucial, the Cardinal says, since he believes that this witch is the cause of the Black Plague which has infiltrated their town.

LS: Of course, it couldn’t be caused by rats and the fact that people crap in the street.

MA: Behmen refuses until he actually sees the witch in the dungeon. The innocent-looking girl (Claire Foy) reminds him of the woman he had slain, and so Behmen changes his mind, believing that if he can get this girl a fair trial, then he can make amends for the innocent blood he had spilled.

Joining Behmen and Felson on their journey is a priest (Stephen Campbell Moore), a soldier named Eckart (Ulrich Thomsen), a guide Hagamar (Stephen Graham), and a young former altar boy who wants to become a knight, Kay (Robert Sheehan.)

LS: Stephen Graham, who plays the sleazy swindler Hagamar (who guides them through the forest) looked awfully familiar to me, but I couldn’t place him. Turns out he’s the guy who plays Al Capone on the HBO show BOARDWALK EMPIRE. Imagine seeing Al Capone around back in the 1300s! I wonder if he could get me some bathtub gin!

MA: The rest of the movie is the tale of their journey, with the central question being, is this witch really a witch, or is she simply a girl? Well, that question is answered early on, (remember the title, folks!) and so our brave band of men are constantly fighting for their lives against the powers of darkness as they make their way towards the abbey. Along the way they deal with strange visions, a pack of supernatural wolves, and the old standby in a lot of movies over the years, the decrepit bridge swaying high above a treacherous rocky river, over which they must pass with their heavy jail cart, in one of the movie’s better scenes.

LS: Didn’t we see the same thing in MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL?

(A wizard suddenly materializes from thin air, wearing a horned helmet)

WIZARD: What is your favorite color?

LS (chops off his head with a battle axe): Red!

MA: Nice move. You just offed a wizard. He could have helped us on this journey.

LS: Well, guess what? He’s not helping us now!

MA: I can see that.

LS: You know, when I first heard about SEASON OF THE WITCH, I thought it might be a remake of George Romero’s film of the same name from 1972. But it has nothing to do with Romero’s movie.

MA: SEASON OF THE WITCH is also the title of the ill-fated third film in the original HALLOWEEN series, the one without Michael Myers, HALLOWEEN III:  SEASON OF THE WITCH (1983)

Anyway, back to this SEASON OF THE WITCH. The story leads to a conclusion where there is a slight plot twist, followed by the obligatory battle between good and evil.

I liked SEASON OF THE WITCH a lot. I loved the look of the film, as I’m a sucker for period pieces. Was it the most dazzling visual set piece I’ve seen in a while? No, but it was purdy darn good looking, as these things go!

My favorite part of the film though was the acting by the two leads. I really enjoyed Nicholas Cage and Ron Perlman and thought they shared a great camaraderie. They were fun to watch. I know I’ve spent recent weeks saying I’m not the biggest Nicholas Cage fan, but he’s excellent in this movie as Behmen, the troubled knight who’s fed up with bloodshed in the name of God. I thought Perlman was even better as his sidekick Felson, and he gets most of the best lines in the movie.

The rest of the cast is also very good. I really liked Claire Foy as the witch, or as she’s listed in the credits, as “the girl.” She was just as good as Cage and Perlman. Stephen Campbell Moore was solid as the priest Debelzag. Moore was one of the leads in THE CHILDREN (2008) a film I liked a lot but you didn’t, and he was good in that movie too. Robert Sheehan as the young knight wannabe Kay was sufficiently sincere and noble, and I liked that he didn’t really fall into the cliché categories we often see with these types of characters, you know, where they’re kind of silly and hokey (the Luke Skywalker syndrome) or overly angry that they’re not getting their due (see the other Skywalker, Mr. Vader himself, Annakin). Sheehan as Kay was very likeable without being wimpy and whiny or arrogant. You wanted to see him become a knight. And Stephen Graham was entertaining as the guide Hagamar.

But my favorite bit of casting by far: Christopher Lee as Cardinal D’Ambroise! Need I say more? Here we are in 2011 and we’re still blessed by Lee’s presence on the big screen. Amazing! Absolutely amazing! Now, Lee’s only in one scene, and he’s practically unrecognizable behind all the Black Plague make-up – he’s almost as unrecognizable as he was in his horror movie debut as the Creature in THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1957)—but to see him on that big screen even for just one scene— priceless. Heck, I’d tell you to go see this movie just for those few minutes of Christopher Lee!

LS: Come on! Lee is a great actor, but he’s not the best thing in this movie. He does what he was paid to do: another fine, but small, performance. This is not going to go on his resume as one of his last great roles. He just keeps the story moving!

MA: Did I say he’s the best thing in this movie, you ol’ ding dong? I said the fact that he’s still on the big screen makes this movie worth seeing! Pay attention!

LS: You know, you make about as much sense as a script by M. Night Shyamalan.

Voice: HALT!

(A flash of green smoke reveals the WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST from THE WIZARD OF OZ standing before them!)

LS: Look lady, we gotta keep going, or we’ll never get there.

WICKED WITCH: Not so fast. Where did you get those ruby slippers! (she points at MA’s feet)

MA: You need some glasses, lady. I’m wearing medieval knight boots.

WICKED WITCH: Don’t tell me what you’re wearing! What do you think I am, blind?

MA: Apparently.

WICKED WITCH: Those shoes once belonged to my sister, the Wicked Witch of the West. You must have killed her to get those shoes. And I want them back!

LS: Wrong movie. We don’t have time for this.

MA: I’m telling you, they’re boots! Hey, ask my friend here what his favorite color is.

WICKED WITCH: Why?

MA: Just do it. His answer will surprise you.

WICKED WITCH: Fine. (to LS) What’s your favorite color?

LS (swings axe and beheads witch.): Red.

MA: Thanks.

LS: Damn witches.

WITCH IN CAGE: So that’s what a real witch looks like.

LS: You don’t fool us. We know you’re not an innocent girl.

WITCH IN CAGE: Whatever do you mean?

MA: Real girls don’t have wings and talons.

WITCH IN CAGE: Oh.

MA: Back to our review – before we were so rudely interrupted.

LS: Overall, I was surprised by the acting, too. I mean, Nicolas Cage doesn’t have the best track record. I have to admit – I like him a lot. (to MA) Stop laughing! (Back to Audience) But I don’t like a lot of his movie choices. I can’t tell you how many Cage movies I completely avoided because they just looked torturous to watch. His roles seem to be either serious and thoughtful (which is rare) or completely over-the-top (which is often).

In SEASON OF THE WITCH, he does a little of both, with the quieter scenes where he’s broody, and then the majority of the movie where he hams it up, even if he may not completely mean to. (Who can tell?) But the truth is, he seemed to be having a lot of fun in this movie, especially in his scenes with Perlman (who’s good in everything he’s in, even the bad movies).

Voice: HALT!

LS: Not again! We’ll never finish this review.

(WITCHYPOO from the Sid and Marty Krofft show H.R. PUFNSTUF appears before them)

WITCHYPOO: How dare you enter my evil forest! Now hand over that talking flute and I will let you pass with your lives!

LS (Throws hatchet at her): Get your ass outta here!

(WITCHYPOO runs away)

MA: That was easy enough.

FREDDY THE FLUTE (in LS’s saddlebag): Whew. I’m sure glad she didn’t find me!

LS: Shut up, you damned flute!

MA: Anyway, I enjoyed the story of SEASON OF THE WITCH, as the journey the characters must make across the countryside is a rather compelling one. Admittedly, I would have enjoyed it more had it been more hard-hitting. This would have worked even better as a darker horror movie, as opposed to a fantasy flick, which is what it is now: a fantasy movie with dark elements. It plays more like LORD OF THE RINGS than a Vincent Price period piece.

LS: Oh yeah, this movie is fluff compared to the best of the witch trial movies, like Michael Reeves’s classic WITCHFINDER GENERAL from 1968 (aka THE CONQUERER WORM) starring Vincent Price, and MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970) with Herbert Lom. And there is a bit of that “epic journey” feel from LORD OF THE RINGS at times. And I hate those movies! But overall, I liked SEASON OF THE WITCH a lot, too.

MA: The ending was fair. It was predictable, and the battle between good and evil which unfolds is nothing I haven’t seen before. I thought the demon at the end of the film was cool-looking and better than some of the recent CGI creations I’ve seen, but was it amazing? No.

LS: In some scenes, the demon looked cool. In others it looked really fake. They should have gone with more of mix of make-up and CGI like they did in THE WOLFMAN (2010). Straight CGI just isn’t reliable if you’re striving for a realistic look.

MA: The best thing SEASON OF THE WITCH has going for it is the camaraderie between Cage and Perlman. They’re the main reason to see this movie, and the main reason why I liked it so much. They’re really entertaining. I also liked how they spoke in contemporary language. This might bother some people, but I thought it worked well here. They spoke like they belonged in the 21st century, with lines like “Let’s get the hell out of here,” and conversations about who’s buying the beer.

So, I enjoyed the screenplay by Bragi F. Schut. I thought the dialogue was excellent and the story passable. Sure, it was nothing I hadn’t seen before, but for what it was, it was entertaining.

LS: I dunno if the screenplay completely worked. This was the biggest gripe for me. The dialogue got pretty silly at times. So much so, that it had the audience I saw this with howling. Screenwriter Bragi Schut certainly didn’t do any research on the use of language in that time period. We’re not talking DEADWOOD here. It’s like a mash-up of period-speak (or a facsimile thereof) and modern speech. Even though it was goofy at times, I agree that it was entertaining enough. And the anachronisms certainly didn’t take away from any of the fun.

MA: The same can be said for director Dominic Sena. The film looks great and everything seems to work well, but there weren’t any “go for the throat” moments that would have made this one an instant classic. The best scene in the movie was where they had to cross the bridge, as that was fairly suspenseful, but it’s not like I haven’t seen that same exact scene done a thousand times before!

LS: I actually thought that scene was a snooze. It went on way too long and we’d seen stuff like it many times before. My favorite scene is actually the very first scene (the first witch trial) and then I love any scenes where Cage and Perlman banter. The two of them really do have great chemistry together and are believable as old friends. It’s that chemistry that saves SEASON OF THE WITCH from being a stinker.

MA: The fight with the wolves was so-so, and the CGI here was the same as most other CGI these days. It rarely wows me. And the ending battle was okay, with a neat-looking demon, but again, it wasn’t all that original.

However, the movie is entertaining and hard to dislike, even if it doesn’t go for the knockout. I wasn’t bored at all, and I had fun watching Cage and Perlman for 90 + minutes.

I give SEASON OF THE WITCH 3 knives.

LS: I give 3 knives as well. Not a bad way to start 2011.

MA: Not a bad way at all!

LS: Are we at our destination yet?

(A MONK approaches them from a stone building)

MONK: Look, we’re closed for the season. You’ve got to go back!

MA: MONK LAND is closed? But it’s my favorite medieval theme park!

MONK: Them’s the breaks you foul-looking rogues. Be off with you!

LS: We didn’t want to see your stupid theme park anyway!

MA: I did.

WITCH IN CAGE: So what happens to me?

(LS lifts crossbow and kills her)

MA: What did you do that for? She didn’t ask you what your favorite color was!

LS: Because we gotta wrap this up and that was the quickest way.

MA: That’s horrible! Poor girl. I’ll never forget the look of horror on her face when that arrow pierced her heart.

LS: Come on, let’s head to a pub.

MA: Pub? How can you think of drinking now? That girl—-.

LS: Forget about the girl.

MA (despondent): I can’t.

LS: I’m buying.

MA: Girl? What girl?

-END-

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
Michael Arruda gave SEASON OF THE WITCH - 3 KNIVES!

LL Soares gave SEASON OF THE WITCH - 3 KNIVES!

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I SELL THE DEAD

Posted in 2010, Cinema Knife Fights, Grave Robbing, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , on August 9, 2010 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: I SELL THE DEAD (2008)
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

(THE SCENE: a dark, filthy prison cell in nineteenth-century England. MICHAEL ARRUDA is chained to a wall. There is a skeleton chained to the wall across from him. The guard tells MA that he has a visitor, and L.L. SOARES enters the cell, dressed as a monk.  There is tremendous laughter from off-camera.)

LS (with hands on hips, faces audience):  What?

MA:  You’ve obviously been miscast.  I mean, a monk?  Come on!

LS:  You don’t think I can pull it off?

MA:  A monkey, maybe.  But I don’t know about a monk.

LS:  Well, I’m a monk for the moment. Deal with it.  Get back into character quick.  We have a movie to review.

MA:  Of course. (Clears throat.)  You’ve finally come to help me escape!

LS: Escape? No, I’m just here because we’ve got a movie to review. Then I’ve got to leave. But don’t worry. I hear the guillotine is kept so sharp, you won’t know what hit you.

MA: No! You can’t let them execute me. I didn’t do anything!

LS: Sure you did. You gave good reviews to some awful movies, and bad reviews to some good ones. The world will be better off without your type.

MA: And leave you in charge?  Then everybody will believe THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is an instant classic!  Over my dead body!

LS:  That’s the idea.

MA:  And just who will you have to bounce your jokes off of? Who will be your comic foil?

LS: Are you kidding? I’ve got a line half-way down the block, people looking to take your job.

MA:  Yeah?  They can have my salary, too.

LS:  Shh!  No need to scare them away!  Besides, I’m just kidding. I’ll help you escape. But first, we’ve got a movie to review.

This week’s movie is a DVD release, I SELL THE DEAD from 2008. This is another movie from Larry Fessenden’s production company GLASS EYE PICS, who have had a pretty good track record so far.

I SELL THE DEAD is a horror movie with a strong sense of humor and begins much like this column did, with a monk (Ron Perlman) visiting a prisoner (Dominic Monaghan) before the man’s execution. Arthur Blake (Monaghan) has been convicted of grave-robbing and murder, but he swears he is innocent of the murder part.

The monk sits down and takes out a book. He then asks Arthur to tell him about his life as a criminal. It turns out the monk is writing a book about grave-robbers and would like to hear the man’s story. Knowing that the more he talks, the more he puts off his imminent death, Arthur is happy to oblige.

MA: The movie actually begins with Arthur’s partner-in-crime, Willie Grimes (Larry Fessenden), being beheaded.

LS: Yes, and old Willie appears a lot in this movie despite his early demise. You see, he’s in almost all of the flashbacks as Arthur tells his tales.

MA:  I’m not a big fan of stories told through flashback, for the obvious reason that you know the guy telling the story has to survive the story in order to be there to tell the flashback.  Probably my favorite time it was used was in the Hammer classic, THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1957).  The opening of I SELL THE DEAD reminded me a little bit of the opening to THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN.  In terms of atmosphere, I SELL THE DEAD reminded me of a lot of the Hammer Films period piece movies from the 1950s and 1960s.

LS:  It turns out that Arthur was at one time an apprentice grave-robber, learning the trade from Willie. He goes on to explain how they were blackmailed into providing fresh corpses regularly for Dr. Vernon Quint (Angus Scrimm), a vile surgeon who threatened to call the law on them if they didn’t do his bidding. Things change, though, when the boys come across the staked body of a vampire, which leads to a new career, where they specialize in digging up and selling the “undead.”

MA: While this was an interesting plot point, taking things a step further than your average grave-robber tale, it begged the question, who’s buying “undead” bodies and why?  Now, the film does answer this question, as it’s explained that doctors were interested in undead bodies because they believed the undead held the keys to immortality, and the doctors wanted to experiment with these bodies.  As a result, the selling of the “undead” became a very lucrative trade for the grave-robbers.

The problem I had with this answer is the same problem I had with the entire movie, and that is, it’s too superficial.  I think digging up the “undead” is a cool idea, but it brings to mind a lot of other questions, like how are these undead bodies the keys to immortality?  Just what kind of research are the doctors doing on these bodies?  These are questions I asked, and I wanted to know their answers, but the movie doesn’t supply them.

LS: Later on, they make a pretty lucrative living hunting down strange coffins holding bizarre creatures like aliens and zombies.

MA: At this point, the movie really starts to get “out there” and, to be honest, began to lose my interest.

LS:  They even get a new apprentice at one point, a woman named Fanny Bryers (Brenda Cooney), who actually gets them in more trouble than she’s worth.  And then there’s the House of Murphy, a vicious rival gang who tries to beat them to the bounty, and attempts to steal bodies from Willie and Arthur when they get to them first.

MA:  I didn’t like the House of Murphy.  They’re supposed to be this cutthroat bunch of grave-robbers who Arthur and Willie are afraid of, but in reality they’re kind of idiotic, and they don’t do a whole lot of cutthroat terrorizing.  They sort of fail at everything they do in this movie.

On the other hand, I liked Fanny Bryers a lot, and I wish she had been in the movie more.

LS:  As a horror-comedy, I think I SELL THE DEAD works pretty well, mainly because of the excellent cast. Dominic Monaghan is going to be very familiar to most people as Charlie from the TV series LOST (and Merry from the LORD OF THE RINGS movies). He does a good job here as Arthur, keeping things pretty tongue-in-cheek throughout. Ron Perlman (HELLBOY) is good as the monk, Father Duffy. Larry Fessenden, who not only produced this movie, but is a respected indie film director in his own right (his films include HABIT (1995), WENDIGO (2001) and THE LAST WINTER (2006)) is also a really good actor, and I thought he was the best character in this movie, as Willie Grimes, Arthur’s mentor and partner.

MA: I didn’t find the cast all that excellent.  Dominic Monaghan in the lead didn’t really do it for me.  His character was a bit too lightweight for me.  Now, I know this is a horror comedy, but his Arthur either needed to be funnier—the guy who carries the film with his humor—or play it straighter—the guy who is just tormented by the arsenal of buffoons around him.  Instead, he was just sort of there, and I certainly didn’t find him strong enough to carry the movie.

Larry Fessenden was somewhat better as Willie, because his character was more over-the-top, but he too was a lightweight.  This guy’s a grave-robber.  He needs to be down and dirty, shady, unpredictable, scary, but he’ s not.  He’s too watered-down, too likeable, and he came off as a poor man’s Jack Nicholson.

LS: Oh, come on. I thought Fessenden was terrific!

MA:   His performance was nothing I haven’t seen before.  Early on in the movie, Willie attempts to kill a young Arthur, but he can’t go through with it, which is supposed to make the point that he’s simply not a murderer, but the point it actually makes is he’s simply not that scary.  While Fessenden does throw a lot of energy into his role as Willie, he ends up being more goofy than grave.

My favorite performance by far belonged to Ron Perlman as Father Duffy.  I wish he had been in the movie more.  What I liked about Perlman was he played Duffy straight, but this didn’t stop him from being funny.  He’s got some funny lines in the film, but he also has some serious moments that work very well.  His reaction to Arthur’s line about “Is this the first time you’ve paid to be alone with a man, father?” is dead on.  I wish this movie had been more about him.

LS: Oh, Perlman’s always good, but like you said, he doesn’t do a lot here except sit down and prod a story out of Monaghan. Sure, he has some funny lines, but he just wasn’t in it enough. But I can see why you liked him.

MA: I also liked Brenda Cooney a lot as Fanny Bryers.  She brought the right amount of energy and sassiness to the role, and again, I wish she had been in the film more.

LS: Yeah, she gets the boys in trouble, but isn’t that what a movie like this should be about? I liked Fanny a lot, too, and wish she’d joined them in their misadventures much earlier in the film. As it is, her addition later on, in the second half of the movie, almost seems like an afterthought.

And don’t forget Angus Scrimm in a small role as Dr. Quint. Scrimm—“The Tall Man” himself from the PHANTASM movies. I always love to see him in a movie.

MA:  Yeah, Scrimm is okay, but his brief appearance here is certainly not going to satisfy his fans.

LS:  I SELL THE DEAD was also very atmospheric and reminded me of some of Roger Corman’s Poe films of the 1960s, especially because it has such a strong sense of humor to go along with the ghastliness.

MA:  Yeah, as I said before, it reminded me more of the Hammer Films of the same period.

LS: Yeah. There were a lot of cool, atmospheric horror movies back then. And this tries to be in the same tradition.

MA:  And that part of I SELL THE DEAD I liked a lot, the fact that it captured the look and feel of those older atmospheric movies.

LS:  Last Friday we posted your review of Edgar Wright’s SHAUN OF THE DEAD, and you mentioned how a lot of horror comedies don’t work. But I thought I SELL THE DEAD did a pretty good balancing act. The comedy was more of a gallows-humor variety and didn’t conflict at all with the horror aspects. In fact, in this case, the two genres coincided quite well.

MA: I didn’t have a problem with the way the two genres mixed here.  You’re right.  They coincided rather well.  The problem I had with I SELL THE DEAD was that neither of its two genres worked all that well.  The horror is not that scary, and the comedy is not that funny.

LS (Scratches head): Make up your mind. First you say they coincided rather well, then you say they didn’t. Sheesh!

MA: You need to clean out your ears.  There’s a pitchfork over there in the corner you might want to use.

Yes, they work well together, meaning that it’s not a blatant shock that the movie tries to be funny and scary at the same time.  It’s a smooth marriage.  The problem is neither genre here is all that strong.  It’s mildly funny, and it’s mildly scary.  Think Ivory soap and baby shampoo.  They’re fine together, but they’re not all that potent.

LS: I didn’t think it was in the same league with SHAUN OF THE DEAD, or Sam Raimi’s EVIL DEAD movies with Bruce Campbell, but I found it enjoyable. I give it two and a half knives.

MA: It’s certainly not in the same league with SHAUN OF THE DEAD.  I SELL THE DEAD is a very minor movie.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not a bad movie, but it’s just not a very good one.

Now, I loved the atmosphere and the period costumes.  People were dressed correctly for the time, and they looked sufficiently dirty, but you can’t sell a movie just on atmosphere and costumes alone.

The biggest problem with I SELL THE DEAD is that it’s too superficial.  It does too little with too much, and as a result, it never satisfies.  I mean, it begins with the grave-robber tale, and for the most part, I liked this.  Then, it ups the ante as it introduces the “undead” elements, as suddenly Arthur and Willie are digging up vampires.  Then, it’s aliens, then zombies, and then there’s the subplot of the House of Murphy.  See where I’m going with this?  It’s bunch of things, all of them interesting, but none fleshed out enough to make for a compelling story.

(The SKELETON chained to the wall begins to laugh)

SKELETON: You said “fleshed out.” That’s funny.

LS: Shut up, you bumbling bucket of bones!

SKELETON: Aww. Aint’ you a rude one!

MA: I like movies about grave-robbers, too, as there have been some very good ones in the history of horror.  Probably my favorite is the Val Lewton produced, Robert Wise directed, THE BODY SNATCHER (1945) starring Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.  It’s one of Karloff’s best non-Frankenstein’s Monster roles, and it’s a terrific film, even though Lugosi’s role is sad and thankless.  There’s also THE FLESH AND THE FIENDS (1959) with Peter Cushing and Donald Pleasance, and THE DOCTOR AND THE DEVILS (1985) with Timothy Dalton, Jonathan Pryce, and Stephen Rea.

These movies are all excellent, and watching I SELL THE DEAD brought them to mind, but sadly, I SELL THE DEAD is not in the same league with these movies.  Yeah, I know, it’s a comedy, but I can argue, and I think you’d agree with me, that Mel Brooks’s YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974) is in the same league with the genre’s best Frankenstein movies.

LS: Actually, I like YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN a lot, but I don’t think it’s in the same league at all with the first two Karloff Frankenstein films, FRANKENSTEIN (1931) and BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935) – the two movies it draws most of its inspiration from.

MA:   I don’t know.  I would put YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN in a “Best of Frankenstein Movies” list any day.  While it may not be in the same league as those two movies you mentioned, what FRANKENSTEIN movies are?  Those two are the top of the heap.

LS:  And , if you like grave-robbing movies so much, there’s a very effective sequence at the beginning of the original 1931 FRANKENSTEIN.

MA:  I also thought the movie’s use of comic book sequences where the live action shots would dissolve into a comic book illustration was largely wasted and seemed to have no use here whatsoever.  It was as if it was thrown in just for fun, or perhaps at some point there was going to be more of a comic book connection.  As it stands now, these moments stick out like a sore thumb.

LS: Yeah, I thought that was going for a CREEPSHOW (1982) vibe, but it doesn’t work. It’s just distracting.

(The scene dissolves to a comic book illustration of MA and LS in the prison cell.  After a brief pause, it returns to live action.)

MA:  See how exciting that was?

LS:  No.

MA:  That’s my point.

And the film’s ending wasn’t satisfying.  I found it silly and light, rather than funny and dark.

SKELETON (behind them): All you do is complain!

MA: All in all,I SELL THE DEAD is a mild movie that might hold your interest if you’re in a really good mood, and it certainly won’t offend, but it won’t grab you either, as it has about as much teeth as an old Scooby Doo cartoon.  I give it two knives.

LS: Speaking of which, do you have any Scooby Snacks? I could really go for one right now.

MA: They’re in my other jacket. You’ve got to help me escape, first.

(GUARD comes back into the cell)

GUARD: That’s enough time with the prisoner, Guvna’. Time for you to be moving on.

LS (Looks hesitant and then shrugs): Oh well, I guess this is good-bye. I’ve got a jacket to find.

MA: Aren’t’ you supposed to do something right about now?

LS: Let’s see (Scratches his beard). Nope. Just go about my business.

MA: Dammit, I knew you’d leave me here to rot.

GUARD: You won’t be rotting anytime soon. The guillotine awaits.

(LS laughs and darts out of the room)

MA (Mutters under his breath): You won’t get rid of me that easily.

GUARD: I’ll be back in a minute to fetch you.

MA:  Don’t I get a phone call?

GUARD:  Sure.  (Hands him a cell phone and unchains his hands)  You do realize that cell phones haven’t been invented yet?

MA (Presses buttons on phone):  Ask me if I care?  Hello?  Baron Frankenstein?  It’s Michael Arruda.  I’m in a bit of a bind.  It’s the old “headed to the guillotine” bit.  I knew you’d have a solution.  What’s that?  Find a last minute switch?  Who did you use?  A priest?  Heh heh. As a matter of fact, there is a priest here.  And I can’t think of a better person for the job.

Oh guard?  Would you make sure that monk is present at the guillotine, for the last rites and all?

GUARD:  Of course.  (He leaves).

MA (Smiles):  Thank you.

(SKELETON begins to laugh again)

—END—

© Copyright 2010 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michal Arruda gave I SELL THE DEAD – Two knives

L.L. Soares gave I SELL THE DEAD – Two and a half knives


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HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Posted in 2008, Cinema Knife Fights, Comic Book Movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2009 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: HELLBOY II:  THE GOLDEN ARMY
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

(FADE IN: MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are seated in front of several television sets on which various horror movies are playing (from the 1931 FRANKENSTEIN to Hammer’s HORROR OF DRACULA to Tobe Hooper’s THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE). Cats run wild all around them. There is a hill of empty cans of Tecate beer on the floor beside them.)

MA:  We’re coming to you live this morning from the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, here to review the new movie by Mexican writer-director Guillermo del Toro, HELLBOY II:  THE GOLDEN ARMY. We are in the actual room where Hellboy himself resides with his wife Liz Sherman, and I can’t think of a better place from which to bring you this review.

LS (takes a lit cigar from his mouth and swigs from a beer can): Thanks, Red!

MA:  Red, for those of you who don’t know, is Hellboy’s nickname. He’s not here right now, as he’s out and about saving us from otherworldly monsters, no doubt. Frankly I’m glad he’s not here, because I’m not sure how he’d react to a less than glorious review of his new movie.

LS:  He’d knock you across the room is what he’d do.

MA:  Most likely, so let’s get this in before he comes back. As I already said, HELLBOY II:  THE GOLDEN ARMY is the new film by writer-director Guillermo del Toro, who also made the first HELLBOY movie, as well as the critically acclaimed and Oscar- winning PAN’S LABYRINTH (2006), which I know you liked more than I did.

LS (rubbing his eyes, and imitating MA’s voice):  It was too dark, and it didn’t have a happy ending. WAAAH! What kind of a horror guy are you anyway? And why do you keep repeating yourself?

MA (ignores him):  And del Toro is also slated to helm the upcoming HOBBIT movies to be produced by Peter Jackson. He’s a very talented director, and I have no problem with his work either here or in the other two movies. He knows how to satisfy his audience visually. In regards to his writing a compelling story, for me anyway, the jury’s still out.

LS: (puffs cigar): I couldn’t care less about THE HOBBIT. I wish del Toro would make his long-anticipated adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, instead. Hobbits give me the hives.

MA: In HELLBOY II, we find our lovable misfit crime fighters Hellboy (Ron Perlman), Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) and Hellboy’s pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz (Selma Blair) still working for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, still fighting the bad-guy monsters, while their boss, Agent Tom Manning (Jeffrey Tambor) tries to keep them and their work secret from the outside world, in a comic routine that grows old fast.

This time they square off against an underworld (as in “under the ground,” literally) prince named Nuada (Luke Goss) who sees it has his destiny to awaken a golden army and conquer the human race. As a result, most of the action takes place in this underground world of trolls, fairies, and monsters, with most of the proceedings playing like a chapter from THE LORD OF THE RINGS, only not as good.

LS (finishes his Tecate beer and tosses the empty can on the mountain of empty cans. He then pops open a new one): He’s not just an underworld prince. He’s the friggin Prince of the Elves!. Give the man some respect! Then again, elves give me worse hives than hobbits.

MA: The problem I have with this movie is the same one I had with the first HELLBOY, and that is, Hellboy, as played by Ron Perlman is a hilarious character, a scene stealer and incredibly entertaining. When he’s on screen, the movie rocks. Problem is, he’s not on screen enough. Also, the plots of both films don’t do Hellboy justice. Some of the best James Bond movies, for instance, were the ones that had the best villains. Prince Nuada is a bore. Luke Goss delivers an excellent performance, so there’s nothing wrong with the acting, but the character is so one-dimensional and so boring compared to Hellboy, they’re not even on the same playing field.

When Hellboy’s in the movie, you can’t go wrong, but when you’re left with the supporting cast, the film drops a few notches.

LS: Aw, you’re a crybaby. Sure Hellboy is the best thing in these movies. That’s why his name’s in the title. Perlman is terrific in the role. He’s a wise-cracking, cigar-chomping demon with one oversized stone hand that looks like it was swiped off The Thing from the Fantastic Four. Perlman’s tongue is firmly in his cheek throughout his performance, and it keeps the movie consistently entertaining. I even think there’s something very Jack Kirby-esque about the character, which I really like.

But what about Abe Sapien? He’s good, too. The talented movie chameleon Doug Jones (who has played everything lately from the faun in PAN’S LABYRINTH to the Silver Surfer) portrays Abe as an intelligent, sensitive outsider, and I actually liked him falling for Prince Nuada’s sister, Nuala (Anna Walton). Abe’s never been in love before, and it’s all new and strange to him. How can you not be touched by such a lovely little romance? How can you not have your eyes well up with tears when Abe and Hellboy sing a drunken rendition of Barry Manilow’s “I Can’t Smile Without You?”

MA: Duh, maybe because I was laughing my ass off!  It’s one of the funniest scenes in the movie. What the heck are you talking about, anyway, “eyes welling up with tears” and “lovely?”  Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly gone all romantic on us.

LS: (burps): Naw, I’m just drunk, is all. But I really do like Abe a lot. I think Jones makes him a very fleshed out character, as much as Hellboy. And I don’t know why you don’t give the fishy guy some credit. His scenes are good, too.

MA:  You know, people really love Abe Sapien. He’s kinda cool, I’ll grant you that. I like him, but he’s not on the same level as Hellboy. Could he carry a movie on his own?  No. Does his scenes without Hellboy rock?  No. He’s like Robin to Batman. He has his place, but he doesn’t kick ass.

And I missed the voice of David Hyde Pierce (from TV’s FRASIER) this time around.  Pierce provided the voice for Abe Sapien in the first HELLBOY movie in an uncredited performance, but he’s not in the sequel.

LS: Aw, forget about David Hyde Pierce. I like Abe’s voice better in this movie. Doug Jones can speak for himself just fine.

Also, you failed to give these nice people a real overview of what Prince Nuada is up to.

MA:  Maybe because I didn’t really care. You said it yourself. He’s an elf.

LS:  He’s not just ANY elf. In ancient times, the elves and the humans were in a long war, with the humans starting to win, until the elf king had the mechanical golden army created. These glittering automatons were merciless, unstoppable warriors and quickly turned the tide of the battle. But the king felt guilty over all the carnage they caused and decided to take pity on his enemies and make a truce with the humans. To keep the peace, he broke up his golden crown into three pieces – one to the humans, and two for himself, so that the golden army could never be revived again.

MA:  YAWN!  Wake me when they start baking cookies.

LS:  Poor Nuada feels that his father dishonored himself by making peace with the humans, especially since now his kind are forced to live underground and stay hidden as the humans dominate the earth. And he wants his birthright back. Of course, this involves reuniting the three pieces of the crown.

And that, my friends, is the story of the Golden Army.

MA: You’re blubbering. And no, explaining the plot doesn’t make it any better.

LS: You must be made of stone, Arruda. You’ve got a hole where your heart should be.

MA:  Maybe I should call Tony Stark and order an iron one.

LS:  And what about the hilarious Johann Krauss? It took three actors to portray this delightful bag of ectoplasm, including Seth MacFarlane of FAMILY GUY to do his voice, which reminds me of what Sigmund Freud might sound like.

MA:  Fascinating. It took three actors to create an unimaginative character who’s about as exciting to watch as an upright vacuum cleaner. What an accomplishment!

LS:  Krauss isn’t unimaginative at all! Agent Manning calls him in to control Hellboy, who he feels is jeopardizing the secrecy of the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, but Krauss is as weird and dysfunctional as Hellboy is. He’s more or less a ghost housed in one of those old time diving suits, who can inhabit and control objects when he releases himself from his costume. His gears and hissing vents reminds me of a steampunk character – a mixture of old technology and new. And the fact that he and Hellboy can’t stand each other leads to some hilarious scenes – especially the one where Krauss controls locker doors to pummel Hellboy into submission.

MA: That is a funny scene. HELLBOY II is not without laughs, that’s for sure. I have no problem with the humor in this movie. There are lots of scenes that are laugh-out-loud funny. The line about the troll baby is hilarious.

LS:  And I like Selma Blair, but I do admit, she isn’t given a lot to do in this movie. And her big “secret” is kind of an attempt to make the quirky Hellboy series more mainstream and sweet. I could have done without that. Hellboy’s a character who should revel in his quirks!

MA: I didn’t think the special effects were that great either. While the tooth fairies are creepy and effective, and a lot of the make-up on the various creatures is quite good, some of the effects, like the actual golden army, for example, are disappointing.

LS: I thought that the movie felt a lot like PAN’S LABYRINTH. From the tooth fairies (actually vicious little creatures with huge teeth who can strip you down to a skeleton in minutes) which reminded me of the fairies in PAN, to the eyeless Angel of Death whose eyes were on its wings – which reminded me of a similar monster in PAN.

I liked the special effects in this movie. And there were other cool creatures, like Nuada’s big henchman Wink, and the giant plant monster that towers over Manhattan like the son of CLOVERFIELD!

MA:  Yes, that scene was very reminiscent of CLOVERFIELD. And speaking of other monster movies, the giant plant monster bears a strong resemblance to the Japanese monster Biollante from GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE (1989).

LS: And the way Hellboy is trying to save a baby during all this action reminded me of John Woo’s classic movie HARD-BOILED.

I also really like del Toro’s attention to detail. All of his movies have scenes where we watch intricate moving parts, which adds a more intimate dimension to the big CGI moments. I also think that CGI works better here, in a movie that’s more outside of the real world, than it does in a more reality-based world like Spider-Man’s.

MA:  I disagree. I thought the CGI looked fake here, very cartoonish.

LS: CGI ALWAYS looks fake to me. But it didn’t bother me as much here. Except for maybe Selma Blair’s flames, which looked kind of lame.

But I really do dig del Toro’s artistic vision. I love the creatures he comes up with. And the strangeness of his unique style is a welcome relief to all of the standard by-the-numbers comic book movies out there like IRON MAN and THE INCREDIBLE HULK. Don’t get me wrong, I like those movies, too. But I think del Toro’s much more stylish films are a pleasant change of pace.

MA: I agree with you about the cool creatures he comes up with. I enjoy them too, but for me, it’s the story. I think both HELLBOY movies lack a good story. With it, both films would be a helluva lot better.

LS: What about the fun use of the soundtrack to add to the humor of the movie? From Eels’ “Beautiful Freak” while Hellboy takes a shower, to the aforementioned Manilow ditty (which I admit, might have been used a little too much).

MA: They’re funny.

LS: Then what is there to complain about? You had a good time, didn’t you? I know I did.

MA:  I had a great time. HELLBOY II is a hoot. But it would have been better if it had a stronger plot, and I could have done without all the elf and troll stuff. I prefer Hellboy on the streets of New York City, rather than under the ground in some elf fantasy land.

LS:  There seem to be two Guillermo del Toros. One is the guy who makes arty Spanish films that have a real emotional punch to them (THE DEVIL’S BACK BONE, PAN’S LABYRINTH), and then there’s the guy who works in Hollywood and has given us such horror/action films as BLADE 2, MIMIC and the HELLBOY movies. Personally, I prefer the arty guy a lot more, but I think HELLBOY 2 might be the best thing he’s done so far, in Hollywood mode.

I also had a mixed reaction to the first HELLBOY movie. I thought that the characters were great, but I wasn’t all that into the plot. I actually liked this plot better, and think HELLBOY 2 is the better movie.

MA:  I expected HELLBOY II to be the better movie, but I don’t think so. To me, they’re the same deal – a mixed bag of hilarious humor and stiff plots.

LS:  But I also think that something like HELLBOY 2 shows that del Toro’s sensibility is much more in tune with Lovecraft than Tolkein. His fantasy worlds are darker and creepier than the LORD OF THE RINGS type, and I still think that a Lovecraft adaptation would be far superior to making those HOBBIT movies.  Haven’t we overdosed on Middle Earth yet? But hey, Tolkein is where the money’s at these days. I just hope he actually makes AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS some day. He would do a magnificent version.

MA: Good enough. So, while I enjoy the character of Hellboy very much, so far, I don’t think either HELLBOY film has done him justice. Still, I wouldn’t mind watching a third try.

LS: Well, I liked this movie, so I’d be happy to see a third one, too.

(The door opens and HELLBOY comes in)

HELLBOY: Who the hell are you guys? And what are you doing drinking all my beer!!

MA: We’re the guys from Cinema Knife Fight. We review horror movies.

LS: Sit down and have a cigar, we’re done with our review anyway.

HELLBOY:  Critics?  Oh crap!

MA:  It’s okay.  We had permission to be here, remember? Agent Manning said—.

HELLBOY: Manning? I hate that guy. Get the hell out of here!

(LS and MA run for the door while Hellboy loads bullets into a gigantic gun.)

HELLBOY (aims gun): You better run! (look at the open fridge and frowns) Damn, I’m outta beer!

(FADE OUT)

—END—

(Originally published on Fear Zone on 7/13/08)

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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