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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 (2012)

Posted in 2012, Adult Fairy Tales, Bad Acting, Blockbusters, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Just Plain Bad, Melodrama, Twilight, Twist Endings, Vampire Movies, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A cemetery. L.L. SOARES has just finished filling up a grave. He rests on his shovel and looks at the tombstone with says “TWILIGHT.” MICHAEL ARRUDA arrives in a long black car and gets out.  He’s wearing a party hat and carrying balloons.  DRIVER of hearse steps out, appalled.)

DRIVER:  Balloons?  This is a funeral!  This is most inappropriate!

MA:  No it’s not.  This is a funeral for the TWILIGHT series.

LS (calling over):  Did you bring the vampire strippers?

MA (looks at Driver): And you think I’m inappropriate?

DRIVER:  I’m appalled!

MA: Don’t lose your shirt, Taylor Lautner.  (to LS) I didn’t bring any strippers.

LS: No strippers? Damn!

MA: We need to review a movie after all.  I didn’t think we needed the distraction.

LS:  Who asked you to think?

MA: Sorry.  Well, at least it’s over.

LS: You got that right.  We can finally put the damn TWILIGHT SAGA to rest. Best grave I ever dug. I made this one extra deep.

MA: All we have to do is to review BREAKING DAWN PART 2, then it will be over for good!

LS: True enough. (He is on the verge of tears). And then we’ll finally be done with this series. I thought this day would never come.

MA: Me, neither. I thought we’d be going to see these awful movies forever.

LS: If there’s a hell, then I’m sure someone is being forced to watch a never-ending marathon of these movies.

MA: So why don’t you give us a synopsis of this last movie.

LS: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 ended with the feisty, perpetually sneering heroine of the TWILIGHT series, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), finally getting what she’s been wishing for since the first movie — she finally got turned into a vampire like her beloved Edward (Robert Pattinson). We could tell because her eyes were bright red! Spooky!

As BREAKING DAWN PART 2 opens, Bella is trying to learn how to control her unquenchable thirst for blood. Edward takes his newly-vampiric bride into the deep woods so she can feast on a deer’s blood, but a mountain climber makes an unexpected appearance, and when he cuts himself, Bella goes nuts. Suddenly, that measly little deer doesn’t seem so filling.

MA: This series is so bad even “hunting” scenes like this are dull and boring, especially with Edward watching his new bride with that goofy grin on his face, as if we’re supposed to think, “Aww, isn’t she cute?  Bella’s hunting.”  Gag!

LS:  The big question was, would she be able to control herself and not bite a human, or would she just go nuts like a lot of “newbie” vampires do when they first get “turned.” Somehow, Bella is able to pass the test.

MA:  Because vampires in the TWILIGHT world would never feed on a human, or at least not vampires in the Cullen clan, the most mind-numbing vampire family you’ll ever meet.  Vampire family.  (Shaking his head)  That kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

LS: Speaking of which, Bella is then brought back to the home of the Cullens — the vampire clan that Edward belongs to, and now Bella does to — to meet her new baby, Renesmee. What kind of name is that anyway?

MA: An annoying one.

LS: Turns out everyone is afraid Bella will turn her newborn baby into dinner, since the girl is half human and has human blood running through her veins. If you remember from the previous movie, Bella got pregnant immediately after a wild bout of sex with Edward, and the baby threatened to kill her. Which is why Edward finally relented and turned her into a vampire— he pretty much killed her in order to save her life, if that makes any sense.

MA (mockingly nodding):  Of course it does.

(A couple of MOURNERS arrives, crying into their handkerchiefs)

MOURNER 1: Oh my God, it’s over! How will we ever go on with our lives?

MOURNER 2: This is just the saddest day ever. I don’t know if I want to live anymore!

MOURNER 1: I have an idea. Let’s make sure it never ends. Let’s go see BREAKING DAWN PART 2 again. And again. And then go back and read the books again and watch the DVDs again and then it will seem like the story goes on forever.

MOURNER 2: Oh my God, that sounds wonderful!

(LS suddenly raises his shovel and chops both of their heads off, with blood squirting everywhere)

LS: I’m sorry Michael, but I had to put those two poor, tortured souls out of their misery.

MA (grinning as blood spatters his suit): Totally understandable, although I was thinking more along the lines of a stern reprimand.

LS:  Anyway, in this new movie, the hateful Irina (Maggie Grace) spies Bella and her new baby and runs to tell the Voltari – those vampire overlords who act like the Vatican of bloodsuckers —because this is a big no-no in the tenants of vampire law. You see, in the past, babies and children who were turned into vampires were nothing but trouble, since they immediately stopped growing and stayed at their age (mentally and physically) forever. Suddenly, with a lust for blood and incredibly strength, they were huge threats to the human world (you don’t want to see a super-strong vampire baby have a tantrum!) and also threatened to expose the adult vampires who are always trying to stay a big secret to humankind. Thus, vampire babies are immediately destroyed. After Irana goes and finks on Bella (what a rat!), the Voltari are convinced that Renesmee is a baby turned into a vampire and the leaders of the group, especially big kahuna Aro (Michael Sheen), declare the child must be slain and those involved with her “creation” punished.

But, as we already know, they’re wrong, since Renesmee wasn’t “turned,” she was born a vampire/human hybrid because Bella was human during the child’s conception. Thus, the child is a rare creature and has started growing at an alarming rate. Like, she’s grown several years older in a matter of days!

The Voltari, however, have no interest in allowing a fair trial. If they could just talk it out, there would be no movie. Besides, Aro and his cohorts have had it in for the Cullens since the second TWILIGHT movie, NEW MOON (2009), and this is just the excuse they need to wipe out of the clan completely.

MA:  This is all so interesting.

LS:  I have to admit, it’s a little painful to remember all this stuff. I want to block it out of my mind.

The Cullens, in turn, find out about their impending doom when Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) has a vision that the Voltari are coming to get them. This puts a plan into motion where the Cullens travel the globe to gather friends and allies as “witnesses” to demand that the Voltari listen to reason. These same witnesses might also have to fight if the Voltari won’t listen to them.

Also along for the ride are Bella’s other love interest, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), and his pack of werewolves. Jacob has sworn to protect Renesmee with his life, partly because he has “imprinted” himself on the child (something that happened in PART 1). It seems that werewolves automatically “imprint” a bond with someone when they have found their true soul mate. It’s completely out of their control. And the fact that Jacob has imprinted with a baby is kind of creepy, except when you realize that Renesmee will probably be a full-grown adult in a few months, based on how fast she’s growing.

MA:  Werewolves are really nannies.  Who knew?  Why didn’t someone tell Lon Chaney Jr.?  Larry Talbot would have made the perfect baby guardian. Look, it’s Uncle Larry!  Of course, when the moon was full, he’d have eaten the kid, but he would have been good for a little while, anyway.

Werewolves protecting little kids?  And people want to know what’s wrong with this series?  Sheesh!

LS:  And don’t forget the imprint thing. Sounds like a certain shirtless werewolf might end up on a sex offenders website if he isn’t careful. He better wait until she’s at least 18….er, days…old before he consummates their passion.

So the Voltari are coming to slaughter the Cullens. The Cullens have gathered allies to speak on their behalf, or fight for them if necessary, and the werewolves have pledged to help. And that’s the story in a nutshell.

MA:  In a nutshell?  It must belong to a coconut.  That’s one detailed synopsis.  Do we really need to know that much about this movie?

LS: Are you knocking my synopsis?

MA:  No, it’s a terrific synopsis.  It’s just making me relive some things I’d rather forget— like the entire plot.

LS:  You mean you weren’t intrigued by questions like: Will the Cullens survive? Will the Voltari listen to reason? Will Jacob take off his shirt? Well, I can answer the last question: Jacob will definitely take off his shirt! And simpletons in the audience will “ooh” and “ahh” like they always do.

I thought BREAKING DAWN PART 2 was very telling. I have now sat through five TWILIGHT movies, and you would think that, after all this time, I would have grown to care about these characters, and be concerned about what happens to them. But the truth is, I hate all of these characters just as much as I did before. BREAKING DAWN PART 2 is not going to win over any new fans.

MA:  That’s a good point.  These characters have been so annoying for so long throughout this series that I can barely stand to look at them, let alone watch a movie about them.  And I didn’t find the three lead characters to be quite as an annoying in this movie, yet, it didn’t matter.  Based upon the previous movies, I just didn’t care about these folks.

That’s pretty bad.   As you said, you’d expect characters in a series to grow on you, not grate on you.

LS:  Of course, that doesn’t really matter, because the fans of the series who already exist are more than enough. I actually got my ticket online before the showing, because the past few times a TWILIGHT movie has come out, all the showings on the first day sold out immediately. But even though I bought my ticket in advance this time, I still had to stand in a long line before they let us into the theater (even with tickets!) and the place was pretty packed. So this series has just as many—if not more— hardcore fans as ever.

But in all seriousness, I thought this movie was excruciating to sit through. We’ve seen worse movies this year—the latest RESIDENT EVIL movie comes to mind—but TWILIGHT is the only series that consistently bores the hell out of me every time I sit through another chapter. I still think Bella is irritating and I have no clue what Edward or Jacob see in her. I think Edward and Jacob are morons. I think the Cullen family is a snooze. And I really hate the Voltari—who are lame-ass villains—even though their number includes Dakota Fanning as Jane and Michael Sheen as Aro, two actors I normally like.

And there’s some new stuff this time around. It turns out a lot of these vampires have super powers. As if being a super-strong, blood-drinking vampire wasn’t enough! One guy can shoot fire from his hands. Another one can shoot out tendrils of darkness that can blind or suffocate someone. Other ones can foretell the future, create electric shocks or create shields around themselves.

Who knew these sparkly vampires were really THE X-MEN!

I actually found this “look at my cool powers!” aspect to be extra annoying, since there’s no logical reason for these extra powers.

(THE SCENE suddenly SHIFTS to a field of colorful wildflowers. BELLA and EDWARD are sitting in the flowers, snuggling and giggling)

BELLA: Oh God, I love you so much.

EDWARD: And I, you.

BELLA: I love you so much it hurts. I love love love you.

EDWARD: Oh, how I love the word Love.

BELLA: It’s is a lovely word, isn’t it? And it’s so wonderful to be this much in love.

(SHOT moves to JACOB and RENESMEE, sitting in a different part of the garden)

JACOB: And I love you, too, little Renesmee. You’re just a toddler now, but soon we’ll be lovers and I’ll sweep you up in my arms and we can have long-winded conversations about love, like Edward and Bella.

RENESSEE: Uncle Jacob, you’re really starting to creep me out, man. Besides, I hate the name Renesmee. It sounds stupid. I much prefer to be called HONEY BOO BOO.

JACOB: Anything you wish, oh love of my life. Oh joy of my jowls. Oops, I spilled some Kool-ade on my shirt. Would you mind if I take it off? This stain offends me so.

RENESMEE A BOO BOO: Oh boy. Do what you gotta do, buster.

(THE SCENE returns to the graveyard. LS is off to one side, vomiting)

MA: Ahem, the camera is back on us again.

LS: Oh, sorry (wipes his mouth)

I’m also sick of the exaggerated emotions and affectations of the main characters here. Everyone is in love in big CAPITAL LETTERS. The characters are pretentious, sappy, and stupid. At least Bella and Edward get to have some sex in the BREAKING DAWN movies. After three movies before that where the two of them were forever locked in torturous abstinence, it’s nice to at least see them go at it, even if it’s all very sanitized and romanticized. What a tasteful nibble of a neck. What a very safe interlocking of naked limbs with not a glimpse of any naughty bits…

The audience I saw it with was so emotionally invested in these dumb characters that it was embarrassing. They had reactions that were as exaggerated as the characters on the screen. And they laughed at everything – even things that weren’t funny. Like everything out of Bella (and Edward and Jacob)’s mouth was the most clever, witty dialogue ever written. Let me tell you a secret – it wasn’t. The only scene that struck me as even mildly amusing was one where Jacob takes  his clothes off in front of Bella’s father, Charlie (Billy Burke) to show him how he turns into a big CGI wolf, and Charlie looks very uncomfortable, wondering if he just stepped into a scene from MAGIC MIKE. But otherwise, it wasn’t as clever or as emotionally charged as the audience pretended it was.

MA:  Yes, that was a funny scene.  Hey, after five movies, they got a scene right!

LS:  I really, truly hate this series. And seeing the saga finally come to an end filled me with joy. I give this movie one knife for the fact that the story is finally over alone! Otherwise, there’s nothing here I can recommend. It’s complete crap.

What did you think, Michael?

MA:  Well, the best thing I can say for this movie is that it’s the first TWILIGHT movie that didn’t bore me to tears, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.  It means that for once, things actually happened in this movie.  They may have been stupid things — like lame vampire superheroes— but they were things.  See, usually, these movies are so dull I start chomping on my fingernails once the popcorn is gone.  My fingernails survived this installment.

Another positive is BREAKING DAWN PART 2 gets all of its whining out of the way early.  Bella whines at Jacob because he imprinted on her baby daughter.  Now, in past movies, we’d have to suffer through multiple scenes of Bella’s angst.  She’d talk about it with Edward.  She talk about it with Jacob.  She’d go back and talk to Edward some more.  Edward and Jacob would talk.  Blah, blah, blah.  But here in BREAKING DAWN PART 2, it’s one and done.  That’s a good thing.

They also got the boring “Bella talks to her dad” scenes out of the way early as well.

That’s because in this movie, there’s actually a plot and things actually happen.  There’s a build-up to a big battle showdown.  Did I enjoy this build up?  Not really. But somehow this one just wasn’t as painful.  And of course there’s a big bloodbath at the end— not really.  It’s a pretty lame battle.  You’ll find more intense stuff in a Disney movie.

The acting is what you’d expect, although I have to admit the three leads didn’t annoy me as much this time around.  I think it’s because they spoke less in this movie.  The closest thing I came to enjoying a performance was watching Michael Sheen ham it up as Aro.  His over-the-top performance is one of the movies few highlights.

LS: He actually has a couple of funny scenes this time. I can’t blame the guy for wanting a decent paycheck.

MA: Director Bill Condon could have easily filmed BREAKING DAWN as one movie as opposed to dragging it out into two parts.  PART 1, basically a wedding, could have been condensed in about 15 minutes of screen time.  PART 2 is definitely better, but again, this isn’t saying much.

Melissa Rosenberg wrote the screenplay, and she wrote the screenplays for the entire series.  Not something I’d want on my resume.

LS: But I’m sure she’s happy it’s on hers. These movies made a shitload of money!

MA: It’s funny, here we have this paranormal romance, this love story, this love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob, but what is the series finale about?  Vampires with superpowers and the meddling Voltari.  The love triangle was resolved movies ago.

LS: And it was never much of a triangle. We always knew Bella had the hots for Edward. Her relationship with Jacob was always just an intense friendship. She never returned Jacob’s feelings like he wanted her to. So the triangle angle was almost kind of forced, don’t you think.

MA: Yep. To me, this just shows that this love story wasn’t much to begin with.  You’d think this series would be driven by a tale of unbelievable love, but it’s not, which just reinforces the ridiculousness of building a “saga” around these characters.

But, hey, at the end of the day, the TWILIGHT series will long be remembered for featuring the cutest werewolves ever!  One day, when Disney buys the franchise, we’ll see little Jacob-werewolf-nannies on the shelf next to Winnie the Pooh.

It goes without saying, but I am overjoyed that this series is finally over.  That being said, this last installment, TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2, didn’t torture me with mind-numbing boredom, and as you said at the outset, we’ve seen worse movies this year.

I give it two knives.

LS: Fair enough. You’re much more generous than me this time around. Maybe you’re just relieved it’s finally over…

Or maybe your heart has finally let the love in…

MA:  I don’t think so.

LS:  Of course, the way it ends, the storyline could always be continued. And there could be spin-offs…and you know the studios will seriously consider it…but for now, this moment in time, let’s pretend like TWILIGHT is really over. That we never have to see another TWILIGHT movie again. And, for the moment, let’s sparkle with happiness.

MA: Now let’s go somewhere and celebrate!

LS:  Sounds good.  (Looks at TWILIGHT tombstone.)  It’s hard to believe.  We’ve buried the TWILIGHT movies forever.

MA:  It’s about time.

LS:  That celebration is long overdue.  Let’s get out of here.

(MA & LS exit.  From behind a gravestone appear a young man and his hunchbacked assistant. The young man carries a shovel, the hunchback a camera. They dig up the grave.  The young man holds a TWILIGHT DVD in his hand.)

YOUNG MAN:  It’s just resting.  Waiting for a new life to come!

HUNCHBACK:  Yes, master.

YOUNG MAN:  We shall give it life again.  We shall re-make them!

(Loud groans and wails are heard off-camera):  Nooooooooooooooooo!!

—END—

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 ~ two knives!

LL Soares gives THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 ~one knife!

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Quick Cuts Presents: THE GREAT TWILIGHT SEND-OFF!

Posted in 2012, Quick Cuts, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , on November 16, 2012 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS:  THE GREAT TWILIGHT SEND-OFF!
Featuring Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Jenny Orosel, Mark Onspaugh and Paul McMahon

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Well, this Friday, November 16, the final installment of the TWILIGHT series opens in theaters, TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART II.  Don’t everybody cry at once!

So, here’s this week’s QUICK CUTS question:  if you could devise an appropriate send-off for the TWILIGHT series, what would it be? 

Our panel responds:

JENNY OROSEL: The whole vampire sparkly family takes a vacation to New York just in time to meet up with the giant tentacled alien from the end of the WATCHMEN comic book. That would be sweet.

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Very sweet!

MARK ONSPAUGH:  Anyone directly responsible for the movies and all the die-hard, crying on their vlog, Sparkle-Vamp-worshipping fans would be locked in a warehouse-turned-theater and strapped to “old school” wooden seats. The Twilight series would play round the clock – IV’s of stage blood and popcorn “butter” for sustenance and astronaut diapers all around… The rest of the world would celebrate as every book and DVD is recycled into clean fertilizer to feed a starving world.

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Ouch!  But oh-so-appropriate!

PAUL MCMAHON:  I’m going to quietly watch the TWILIGHT SAGA sail away. I will celebrate by visiting a large cathedral and lighting a prayer request candle. While it burns, I’m going to kneel and bow my head and say a novena that the Hollywood Gods Who Develop Book Series Into Movie Series seize the opportunity to create an awesome string of kick-ass films based on Jonathan Maberry’s JOE LEDGER books. Anyone want to join me?

The Joe Ledger series

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  We’ll meet you at the door.

As for me, really, in all seriousness, there is no better send-off than the knowledge that I will never have to sit through one of these movies again.  This in itself is a celebration. When I walk out of the theater after the end credits roll, I might even cry, I’ll be so happy!

L.L. SOARES:  Don’t go celebrating just yet. I heard a rumor that Stephenie Meyer, creator of the Twilight series, was in discussions to figure out a way to keep the franchise going…More sequels? A spin-off? I have no idea – but you know the studios aren’t going to put this cash cow to pasture any sooner than they have to.

(Pops open a bottle of champagne) So we may not have to say good-bye after all! I know Michael will be so relieved…

MICHAEL ARRUDA (ignores him):  Did you say something, LL? I’m having trouble hearing you!

 In the meantime, go forth all you moviegoers and do your duty by seeing something else!

 Thanks for joining us.  Have a good night, everybody!

—END—

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COSMOPOLIS (2012)

Posted in 2012, Cinema Knife Fights, David Cronenberg, Enigmatic Films, LL Soares Reviews with tags , , , , , , on September 1, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: COSMPOLIS (2012)
By L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: The interior of a stretch limousine. L.L. SOARES sits in back, dressed in a suit, when the door opens and MICHAEL ARRUDA looks in, dressed as a limo driver, with a shiny cap)

MA: Everything going okay back there?

LS: Of course. There’s a mini-bar. What else would I need?

MA: So what movie are you reviewing this time?

LS: The new David Cronenberg flick, COSMOPOLIS, starring Robert Pattinson from the TWILIGHT movies.

MA: Oh, that one’s only in limited release. It’s not playing anywhere near me.

LS: Sorry to hear that, but it is playing near me, so I saw it, and I’m going to review it.

MA (looks sad): You’re reviewing it alone?

LS: Looks like I don’t have a choice. Hey, why don’t you do me a favor? Why don’t you make yourself useful and go up front and drive this thing? I want to get a haircut.

MA: But you’re bald!

LS: Sshhhhh. Just do as your told, lackey! Here’s a dollar (hands him a crumpled dollar)

MA (frowns): Gee thanks.

(MA closes the limo door and goes up front to drive. The limo pulls away from the curb and begins its slow trek across midtown Manhattan during a traffic jam)

LS: So let’s take a look at the new David Cronenberg movie, COSMOPOLIS, shall we?

It’s based on a novel by Don DeLillo, and most of it takes place in a limousine driving through Manhattan, just like this one. It’s the story of Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson), a dot com billionaire who tells his driver he wants to go across town to get a haircut from the old guy who used to cut his hair as a child, and cut his father’s hair. But this is easier said than done. First off, the president is in the city, which means that traffic is moving at a snail’s pace. There’s also the funeral procession of a beloved rapper clogging the streets, and protestors blocking traffic in a scene that looks like the end of the world. Hell, at one point there’s even a water main break that floods some streets. So it takes the entire movie for Packer to make it from Point A to Point B.

The movie takes place during a single long day. During this day, Packer will lose millions of dollars in bad trading, break up with his wife (he’s only been married a few weeks) and try to avoid being killed by a disgruntled former employee.

The car is also moving so slow, that Packer can easily get out and do other things along the way. Like get into the cab his wife Elise (Sarah Gadon) is riding in and later meet her at a bookstore, and at a diner to have lunch. He also gets out to have sex with one of his security guards (Patricia McKenzie) in a hotel room.

(The limousine passes a guy holding a sign that reads “Michael Arruda is the smart one!” Suddenly a guy in a Motorhead T-shirt starts pounding on him. LS cannot hear the screams inside the limo)

 

But most of the people he interacts with come into the limo to see him. These include his associates Shiner (Jay Baruchel), who handles his computer security, and his business partner Michael (Philip Nozuka), who are both younger than him, in their early twenties (Eric is in his late 20s).

There are also several women who come into the limo at different times including Juliette Binoche as his lover and art dealer Didi (they have sex in the limo), his assistant

Jane (Emily Hampshire) who wonders why they’ve never had sex, and Samantha Morton as his “theory expert” Vija Kinsky, who rambles on and on about various theories she has about a multitude of things, some actually involving Eric’s business.

There’s also an odd scene where a big rapper named Kosmo Thomas (Gouchy Boy) enters the limo to tell Eric that Brother Fez has died. Eric loves Fez’s music “I play it all the time in one of my elevator,” and takes the news badly, with both men hugging each other at one point. By the way, Brother Fez is the guy who has the huge funeral procession, and in another surreal scene, we see his open coffin revealing his corpse to the world on the back of a truck as his mourners follow.

There are also strange protestors who wave dead rats around in public places while shouting “There’s a specter haunting the world. The specter of capitalism,” who would fit right in with the Occupy New York movement. They even carry a gigantic stuffed rat across the street in one scene, and attack Packer’s limo – spray painting it and trying to smash it apart – while Eric sits safely inside.

(The limousine passes Mickey Mouse, holding a sign that says “I am not a Rat!”)

Throughout everything, lead security guy Torval (Kevin Durand) walks alongside the limo, a microphone always in his ear, giving him information. He constantly tries to discourage Packer from this cross-city trek, but his warnings fall onto deaf ears, even when Torval explains that there is someone out to kill him, and that it is a very credible threat.

In another odd scene, Packer has a doctor enter the limo—he has a doctor give him a complete physical every day because he is terrified of dying young. On this particular day, his regular doctor takes the day off and sends an associate, who is roughed up by Torval before his story checks out and he can enter the limo. The doctor even checks his prostate (for what seems like a long time) while Packer has a conversation with Jane.

As you can see, the movie is just a series of strange vignettes, featuring interactions between Packer and the people of his daily world.

(The limo passes a legless Porky Pig on crutches with a sign that says “Don’t Eat Pork.”)

The dialogue, for the most part, is taken right from DeLillo’s novel, but while it might work well in prose, it doesn’t always seem very natural coming out of actors’ mouths. In fact, it sounds rather stagey at times, as if we’re watching a play, when it’s not sounding downright stilted. Most of the characters talk in a weird, unnatural way, including Packer, and it adds a real dream-like quality to the proceedings, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. At first, I found this unnatural dialogue to be annoying, but after awhile, it established a kind of rhythm that made it more palatable, and I even started to enjoy it as it went on.

The relationship between Eric and his wife is uncomfortable most of the time. She comes from a wealthy family, and while they have been married only a brief time, it already looks as if the marriage is unraveling. Whenever Packer suggests they have sex, she rebuffs him. It was her he originally was going to have sex with in that hotel room, where he instead screws the woman working for Torval as one of his security people.

Some characters are more annoying than others, though. Most of them grew on me as their scenes developed, but Samantha Morton’s character, Vija, spoke in such a meaningless, pretentious way that I almost wanted to strangle her. She was easily the most affected and irritating character in the movie.

There are also recurring questions. Everyone asks everyone else how old they are at various times. Considering how young many of the rich characters are, this seems to be a point of curiosity. Also, when the doctor tells Packer his “prostate is asymmetrical,” he takes it to heart and repeats it several times to various people, wondering exactly what it means.

(The limo passes a hideous-looking Jeff Goldblum, holding a sign that reads, “Flies Are People Too.”)

The movie goes on like this for awhile, yet it’s never boring and it kept me fascinated throughout, as if I were watching aliens interact on another planet, until a scene toward the end where Pattinson has a long conversation with Paul Giamatti as a character named Benno. Normally I think Giamatti is an amazing actor, but his long scene here goes on much too long, and brings the entire movie to a screeching halt in the process. By this point, I started to get bored, as the rhythm and pacing of the rest of the movie was ruined.

Pattinson, in the lead, is still an enigma to me. Considering the odd way everyone delivers their dialogue – including Packer – it’s hard to judge their acting here. I still am not sure how good an actor Pattinson is. I certainly can’t tell from his role as Edward in the TWILIGHT movies, and I can’t really tell here, either. But there must be something about him that makes him so fascinating to so many people. And he and Cronenberg became good friends during the filming of COSMOPOLIS and it’s already been announced that Pattinson will star in Cronenberg’s next film.

(The limo passes two guys fighting. One has a shirt that says “Team Edward” and the other has “Team Jacob” spray-painted on his bare chest)

As for Cronenberg, this is a filmmaker who was once one of my Top 5 favorite directors. He’s made several movies I would include in a list of all-time favorites, and yet his recent output has been disappointing. He seems to want to be taken seriously as of late, and has abandoned the genre trappings of his earlier films. It began, ironically enough, with his films A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (2005) and EASTERN PROMISES (2007), which I actually enjoyed a lot, even if they were a bit too mainstream for my tastes (when I go see a Cronenberg movie, I expect something different). But his last film, A DANGEROUS METHOD, which dealt with Sigmund Freud and Karl Jung, just seemed boring to me. Cronenberg movies used to be exceedingly WEIRD, similar to the way David Lynch films are weird, and Cronenberg seems like he’s trying to eliminate that part of his style. There was a time where unexpected things happened in his movies. They were unpredictable. Now, they’re much more conventional.

And despite the fact that the use of dialogue is so strange in COSMOPOLIS, there is only one real moment that I felt was unexpected and shocking. It involves Torval and it comes completely out of nowhere. But otherwise, the Cronenberg of old is hard to find.

COSMOPOLIS is a hard film to rate. I don’t know if a lot of people would find it entertaining. I’m sure TWILIGHT fans who went to see this because Pattinson is in it were scratching their heads. But I have to admit that, as it went along, I liked it a lot. Until the dreadful scene with Giamatti that just stops the movie cold.

I give it three knives. Because I enjoyed most of it. Because I was able to groove to its rhythm for most of the movie’s running time. But I would have given it a much better rating if not for that scene where poor Giamatti is misused.

MA (from the front): Are you done yet? We’re almost out of gas!

LS: Yep, I’m done. How about we get something to eat.

MA: Okay.

(The limousine runs out of gas, and LS and MA abandon it in the middle of the street.)

 

© Copyright 2012 by L.L. Soares

LL Soares gives COSMOPOLIS ~three knives.


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THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

Posted in 2010, Cinema Knife Fights, Garbage, Sequels, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2010 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: a river by a forest. Wolves are howling in the distance. LL SOARES and MICHAEL ARRUDA enter a clearing by the river, and stop to take a drink. Behind them, a young GIRL appears skipping along the river singing to herself.)

GIRL: Looking for my true love, my true love, my true love. Oh where shall I find my true love?—- aaahhh! (SPLASH as GIRL falls into the water)

LS: The river’s a good place to start. Try there.

MA (shaking his head): That’s really too bad that she, er— slipped.

GIRL: Help me! I’m drowning!

MA: We can’t help you. You’re on the wrong side of the river. That’s werewolf territory.

(Big phony CGI wolves appear, wearing ribbons and bows around their necks. They jump into the river.)

MA: Ready to start this week’s review of THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE?

LS: I’d rather eat broken glass.

MA: Let’s just get this over with.

(Behind them the wolves are attacking the GIRL in the river. MA and LS ignore the screams and continue talking.)

LS: Okay. ECLIPSE is the third movie in the TWILIGHT series, based on the books by Stephenie Meyer. It is basically a love triangle between three people: Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), a teenage girl just about to graduate from high school; Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vampire who Bella is in love with; and Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), a Native American boy about Bella’s age, who also happens to be a werewolf.

As we saw in the previous movies, TWILIGHT and NEW MOON, the three of them have gone through high school together. Bella’s love affair with Edward has only grown more intense as they approach graduation. She desperately wants to consummate her relationship with Edward, but, as a vampire, he’s afraid he may hurt her or even kill her in the throes of passion. So she has made a deal with him. She wants to become a vampire, too, so that they can make love without fear of danger. In return, he asks that she marry him first, because he’s “old school” and wants a commitment. She has agreed to marry him after graduation.

MA: There’s a part of me who wants to applaud Edward’s sense of honor towards Bella, that he doesn’t want to sleep with her until they’re married. But the problem I have with this, is the same problem I have with the rest of the movie, and that is, it’ s not realistically portrayed.

LS: Personally, I wish they’d just screw and get it over with.

MA: Okay, Edward’s this noble male. Great. But when do we get to see how he’s handling this? It’s clear that Bella has the hots for him, but doesn’t he have needs too? What’s he doing about them? He’s just so icy cold. Whatever happened to the classic vampires like Lugosi and Lee who had a sexual energy about them that was obviously very attractive to women?

(Vampires holding signs are picketing the area. They include Bela Lugosi in his Dracula cape, Christopher Lee, and Gary Oldman. Their signs read things like “Real Vampires Don’t Sparkle” and “I Want My Fangs Back.”)

MA: We don’t see Edward suffering from not being able to make love to Bella. The guy’s gotta be suffering, right?

LS: I think he’s a eunuch.

MA: To me, this is all a not-so-subtle message about chastity and virginity, two subjects I don’t have a problem with…

LS: I do! They make for BORING movies.

MA: …But I do have a problem when the message is delivered in a way that isn’t realistic. I’m sorry, but if you love someone the way Edward is supposed to love Bella, you’re going to be feeling certain things that if you repress, you’re going to be affected by it, and we just don’t see that. The passion is missing.

LS: “The passion is missing.” That’s the entire TWILIGHT series in a nutshell. Can I go home now?

MA: No. We owe it to our readers to explain WHY ECLIPSE is such a bad movie.

LS (sighs and continues): Everyone else in the movie thinks that Bella is moving too fast. That she wants to give up her mortal life (because in order to become a vampire, she has to die first) before she has even had a chance to experience it. Among the people who think she is making a mistake is Jacob, a pal since childhood who also loves Bella. In the last movie, NEW MOON, Bella admitted that she loved Jacob, but “not in that way.” In this movie, Jacob finally gets Bella to admit that she does love him in “that way,” but the problem is, she loves Edward more.

MA: The bigger problem is why should we care?

LS (snoring and MA nudges him): Wha-wha-what happened? I wasn’t asleep!

MA: Sure you weren’t.

LS: Should she go with Jacob, who is a werewolf, but who is also alive, and she would not have to change herself to be with him (in this series lycanthropy seems to be a genetic condition, rather than the result of a wolf bite)? Or should she give up her life to become a vampire and spend eternity with her soul mate Edward?

The whole thing is incredibly silly to me. If she’s that desperate to get laid, and will even commit what is essentially suicide to get a chance to sleep with Edward, then her priorities are really screwed up. She could at least have a fling with Jacob first and see what sex is like, before she gives up everything for Edward. But the fact that the central argument of the movie is “should Bella have sex or not” makes me also realize that there is not one adult emotion in the TWILIGHT movies. These are childish dilemmas written for an immature audience.

MA: Bella wants to have sex because she’s in love with Edward. To me, it’s obviously clear that she doesn’t love Mr. Buff Werewolf Jacob the same way she loves Edward, and so all this angst comes off to me as phony and a waste of time. It’s there for the sake of having a love triangle, which is yet another reason I didn’t like this movie, because I didn’t buy its love triangle. She loves Edward. End of story.

LS: Bella wants to have sex. Edward wants to wait until marriage. Jacob pines for Bella on the sidelines. It’s all very juvenile. Yes, I know it’s geared toward teenage girls. But what about the middle-aged women in the audience? I have to admit, their interest in this series baffles me.

MA: There were more adults in the packed theater with me than teens, and a lot of them were couples, so it wasn’t just a girl’s night out. The hubbies were there, too.

And when all the shirtless werewolf males sprinted onto the screen for the first time, the adult women behind me started “oohing,” and “aahing” and giggling. I immediately wanted to scream my favorite Charlton Heston line from PLANET OF THE APES (1968), “It’s a madhouse!!”

LS: Of course, the central romance can’t be the only storyline. There also have to be some genre trappings so that ECLIPSE can at least superficially claim it is a horror movie. So we get the plotline that Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard), the red-haired vampire from the last movie, wants revenge on Edward for killing her mate, James. So, because he took what she loved the most, she plans to take was Edward loves the most —Bella.

MA: Hey, here’s a message for Victoria- Get over it, girl!

LS: Since Victoria can’t take on the whole Cullen clan (Edward’s vampire “family”) by herself, she creates an army of vampires by “turning” as many people as she can. It turns out vampires are their strongest (and most out of control) the first three months after they become bloodsuckers, because they are slaves to their thirst for blood and have not yet acquired the knowledge and discipline to control it.

MA (opens mouth wide): YAWN!!!

LS: Victoria’s army seems almost like an afterthought. When they finally reach Forks, Washington, for the big showdown with the good guys, the movie is almost over. There is one big climactic battle—

MA: That was a battle? I thought it was a ballet.

LS: — between Victoria’s vampires and the Cullens (and the werewolves, who have joined forces with them to protect Bella) but it’s not much of a fight and this subplot adds nothing to the movie. I guess they just needed more to the story than just “Who loves Bella more?” but it doesn’t work.

MA: If you at home want to find out who loves Bella more, you should go see ECLIPSE. Isn’t that a compelling reason to see a movie?

LS: There’s also a council of the Volturi, the vampire overlords we last saw in NEW MOON, who are keeping tabs on the growing vampire army But they do nothing and are pretty much there to waste more screen time. Even Dakota Fanning, suitably spooky as the leader of the Volturi contingent, can’t make them interesting.

MA: The Volturi are even more boring than the Jedi councils we had to suffer through during the last three installments of the STAR WARS movies. Those Jedis were so horrible it’s no wonder Anakin Skywalker left them to follow the Dark Side! These folks are even worse! They really could have used some help from YODA.

(YODA suddenly appears.)

YODA: Help vampires I will, the force they should follow, dark side leave they must.

MA: English you should learn.

LS: Hey, Yoda, go jump in the river. Don’t make this review any longer than it needs to be.

YODA: Rude you men are (YODA exits with a SPLASH)

LS: As usual, the acting in this series is atrocious. Kristen Stewart as Bella continues to say her lines with a strange hesitation, as if she’s reading them as she goes along. This is especially confusing because I just saw Stewart as Joan Jett in the biopic THE RUNAWAYS (also with Dakota Fanning, strangely enough), and thought she was quite good in it. Which means Stewart can act when she wants to. She just chooses not to when she portrays Bella.

MA: I don’t mind Stewart’s acting, but I really have a problem with the character. There’s just something very annoying about Bella. I think it’s because she’s the center of all this attention and I just don’t get it. I mean everyone and their grandmother is out there trying to protect Bella. Why?

LS: I don’t get that either. What is so damned special about Bella anyway???

That must be a big reason why this series appeals to teenage girls so much. They want to be “special” and the center of all attention, just like Bella.

MA: To return to the STAR WARS analogy, not even Princess Leia had this much protection. And she was leading a rebel alliance against the evil galactic empire! What the hell is Bella doing? She’s waiting around to see who “loves her more!”

LS: You and those STAR WARS analogies. What are you, Joseph Campbell? Taylor Lautner as Jacob seems a little more confident this time around, but still has miniscule acting ability. His big thing seems to be walking around without a shirt and showing off his abs. In the audience I saw ECLIPSE with, the girls went nuts when we first see Jacob in the movie, leaning on a car with his shirt off. So it seems he doesn’t have to actually do any acting to get a favorable reaction, which is good because he is incredibly DULL.

(A horde of screaming women run by. “Where is he? Where is he?”)

MA: In the river. (The women jump in.)

LS: As for Edward, it’s hard to understand what Bella sees in him. All he ever does is either mope around or he is so overprotective of her, watching her every move, that he seems like more of her stalker than her lover.

ECLIPSE is just a snooze-fest. I looked at my watch and yawned constantly during this movie. And I was fidgeting in my uncomfortable seat a lot by the end.

MA: Just so there isn’t any misunderstanding on this point. What you just said is not an exaggeration. ECLIPSE is an excruciatingly boring movie.

LS: Last time, when NEW MOON first came out. I missed seeing it the first day it opened because all showings were immediately sold out. So this time, I got my ticket ahead of time. When I got there, I had to stand in a special line in order to be let in. I put up with all this in order to basically subject myself to a torture session for over two hours. It just doesn’t seem fair.

My main problem with the TWILIGHT movies is that, despite the presence of vampires and werewolves, these films are not HORROR MOVIES by any stretch of the imagination. They are romance movies. Everything revolves around declarations of love, not scares. There is not one moment in any of these movies that will elicit fear or outright terror.

MA: And I have to argue here that they’re not even very good romance movies. I’ve asked myself this question over and over: Is the fact that I’m not a huge fan of romance movies the reason I don’t like this franchise? My answer is no. Because if it were a good movie, I’d like it, or I’d at least recognize it as a good movie and then just say it wasn’t my cup of tea.

Last week I saw TOY STORY 3, a kid’s movie. There’s a scene near the end where Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and their toy friends face death, and while watching this scene, I told myself, it’s a Disney/Pixar movie, they’re probably not going to die, but the characters really believed they were going to die, and it was such a compelling moment, an emotional moment, that for a second, I really feared for them, and they’re toys!! It’s an example of good storytelling. There’s nothing like this in ECLIPSE, no moment where you go, “My God, what’s going to happen?” It’s dull and emotionless.

LS: I still think the CGI werewolves (which just look like giant wolves) are horrible. At one point, Jacob, in werewolf form, enters a scene and someone in the audience shouted “Awww, he’s so cute!” and the truth is, he was. He just looked like a big old puppy dog. And that is not how werewolves should be portrayed in horror films.

(A group of werewolves, including Lon Chaney Jr’s Larry Talbot, Paul Naschy and Benecio Del Toro are now holding picket signs that read things like “Real Werewolves Eat Human Flesh” and “Don’t Neuter Me.”)

In fact, everything about these movies is “cute.” And safe. And boring. The vampires may appear to have fangs, but the TWILIGHT series is ultimately toothless.

MA: Exactly. It’s as if these movies were produced by Disney. I half expect to see TWILIGHT dance numbers on parade at Disney World next year.

LS: Rumor had it that ECLIPSE might be the best movie of the series, but it’s not. I think it’s just slightly better than NEW MOON (2009), which was the worst.  The surprising part is that this one is directed by David Slade, who gave us the superior vampire flick 30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007). Then again, his hands are tied by the awful script by Stephenie Meyer and her constant collaborator in these films, Melissa Rosenberg. The best TWILIGHT film remains the first one (2008), partly for Catherine Hardwicke’s directing, and partly because, back then, these characters and lame storylines hadn’t been done to death yet. But even the first TWILIGHT was no prize, and was hard to sit through.

I would like to make a pact with you now, Michael that this is the last TWILIGHT film we will review for Cinema Knife Fight. I’ve done my time, and I just can’t sit through another one. These are NOT horror movies, and there is no reason for us to continue reviewing them for CKF.

MA: You don’t need to twist my arm. No more TWILIGHT.

LS (doing a happy dance): This is our last TWILIGHT review! Hurray!

So, is there anything else you want to say, Michael?

MA: Watching this movie, I felt like I was trapped in the back seat of a car for a two-hour trip, while in the front seat sat Edward, Bella and Jacob, and they started talking about their relationship. I listened, and I was fairly interested at first. I was curious. But after about 15 minutes, I was ready to move on, only the conversation never ended! Bella loves Edward, but Jacob loves Bella, and he’s not going to give up. Okay, okay. I get it. Let’s move on. But we don’t move on, and the entire car ride is spent listening to the same arguments over and over and over. That’s what watching ECLIPSE was like for me.

Believe it or not, there were a couple of things I did like about the movie. I thought the chemistry between Bella and Edward was stronger in this movie than in NEW MOON. I also liked the scenes Edward and Jacob had with each other, as they make good adversaries. Edward even gets one of the better lines in the movie when he says about Jacob, “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

I also liked a scene in the movie when Jacob learns that Bella is going to marry Edward, he tells her he’d rather she be dead than a vampire, the implication being that he’d actually kill her to save her from Edward. Of course, he’s just talking out of anger. This movie doesn’t come close to visiting a dark interesting place like that for real.

LS: I can’t believe you found ANYTHING to like about this movie!

MA: But, ultimately, ECLIPSE is about as engrossing as a Saltine cracker. Like the previous installment in the series, it’s talky and dull, and it’s so sanitized it’s nauseating! Everything is just so clean. I have to laugh, because in the movie the vampires complain about the werewolves smelling bad, and the werewolves complain about the vampire’s stink. Stink? This movie’s so clean it smells like window cleaner.

LS: The only thing that really stinks is this movie!

MA: If you like your vampire stories sterilized, stripped of passion and blood, and your werewolf tales all cutesy and buff, and your love stories superficial and immature, you’ll love ECLIPSE! Otherwise, stay away from this one. I give it one and a half knives.

LS: I give this movie no knives. I wish I could give it an even lower score.

MA: And to think, that of all the movies we’ve seen the past two years, the biggest audience has been for this series. There’s only one thing left for us to do.

(MA & LS jump into the river with a final SPLASH.)

-END-

© Copyright 2010 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

MICHAEL ARRUDA gave THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE – ONE AND A HALF KNIVES

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L.L. SOARES gave TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE – NO KNIVES


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