CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: QUICK CUTS
THE THREE STOOGES Recast
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Paul McMahon, Mark Onspaugh, and Colleen Wanglund
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome to another edition of QUICK CUTS.
Today we’re talking about The Three Stooges, because today, April 13, the new movie THE THREE STOOGES opens with a new trio of actors playing the iconic dunderheads. Based on the trailers, it looks pretty bad. Who are these guys playing the Stooges anyway? Well, they’re all TV actors and not exactly household names.
So, the subject of today’s QUICK CUTS is this: if you were in charge of casting a new movie about THE THREE STOOGES, who would you choose to play Moe, Larry, and Curly? In other words, who’s your perfect cast to play THE THREE STOOGES?
Take it away Cinema Knife Fighters. Mark, you’re up first.
MARK ONSPAUGH: Can we resurrect the dead? Because I think Moe Howard, Larry Fine and Curly Howard are three “perfect” Stooges.
L.L. SOARES: Don’t forget Shemp! He was pretty cool, too.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Hmm, Zombie Stooges. That might work.
L.L. SOARES: Yeah, the original Stooges are the best, and I see no need for a modern day remake with new actors in the roles.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: I agree, but since the new movie has already been made, let’s get on with our question.
MARK ONSPAUGH (Sighs): I still say resurrecting the originals is the only “real” way to go – that said, I would go with these:
TOUGH OLD BIRDS
Clint Eastwood as Moe
Clarence Williams III as Larry
Michael Ironside as Curly
Clint Eastwood as Moe?
WOMEN CAN BE STOOGES, TOO
Lisa Lampanelli as Moe
Joan Rivers as Larry
Monique as Curly
WHY NOT HORRIFYING STOOGES?
Bela Lugosi as Moe
Lon Chaney Jr. as Larry
Tor Johnson as Curly
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Fun choices, although we might be seeing your last category, “Horrifying Stooges” for real in the upcoming movie! Actually, I’m hoping it’ll be better than it looks, because I for one could really be into a goofy funny Three Stooges remake.
L.L. SOARES: Dream on!
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Okay, Paul, what are your choices?
PAUL MCMAHON: Having always been a huge fan of Dennis Dugan’s BRAIN DONORS (1992), a… remake?… reboot?… “appreciation…” of the Marx Brothers classic A NIGHT AT THE OPERA (1935), where Dugan used John Turturro, Mel Smith and Bob Nelson as Groucho, Chico and Harpo Marx, I would cast a similar “appreciation” for the Three Stooges.
Moe – John Leguizamo
Larry – Colin Mochrie
Curly – Gabriel Iglesias
Gabriel Iglesias as Curly?
To assure the derision I know will come, I would also cast Dwayne Johnson to play their nemesis, and I’d use his “People’s Eyebrow” at least twice.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: I’ve never seen BRAIN DONORS. I’m gonna have to check that one out.
PAUL MCMAHON: Oh, it’s hilarious. It’s a very underrated movie.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: I love the Marx Brothers, so it sounds like fun.
Time for my Stooges picks.
The Deadly “Are you looking at me?” Stooges – Robert DeNiro as Moe, Al Pacino as Larry, and Joe Pesci as Curly.
Al Pacino as Larry?
The “Night at the Museum” Stooges - Ben Stiller as Moe, Owen Wilson as Larry, and Robin Williams as Curly.
The “Highbrow/We’d Like to Win an Oscar” Stooges – George Clooney as Moe, Ryan Gosling as Larry, and John Goodman as Curly.
The “Women/We’ll Take that Oscar First, Thank You, ‘Cause We Got Meryl” Stooges – Sigourney Weaver as Moe, Elisabeth Shue as Larry, and Meryl Streep as Curly.
The “Expendables” Stooges- Sylvester Stallone as Moe, Jason Statham as Larry, and Bruce Willis as Curly.
The “Tim Burton” Stooges- Johnny Depp as Moe, Helena Bonham Carter as Larry, and Sacha Baron Cohen as Curly.
And last but not least, the “Slam Dunk/We Just Hit a Casting Home Run” Stooges - Adam Sandler as Moe, Mike Myers as Larry, and Zach Galifianakis as Curly.
Colleen, you’re frowning.
COLLEEN WANGLUND: Yes, I am.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: What’s the matter? Sitting too close to L.L.?
(L.L. SOARES reaches for table behind him, grabs a cream pie, and flings it at MICHAEL ARRUDA who ducks out of the way.)
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Hey, it’s too early for that. We’ve got a panel to run.
L.L. SOARES: Remind me to murder you later.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: I’ll make a note of it. So, Colleen, you were frowning.
COLLEEN WANGLUND: Well, I’ve been mulling over my answer— Okay here’s my answer…
I wouldn’t cast anyone to play Moe, Larry and Curly because I wouldn’t make this movie.
(A great cheer erupts)
COLLEEN WANGLUND: For us older folks who grew up on the old movies and shorts, I don’t think this flick has any appeal because it isn’t the original. As for the younger audience, I think the Stooges, unfortunately, have no relevance.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Well, while I can’t argue with your logic that this movie shouldn’t be made, I do know a few middle school students who are interested in seeing this movie, so maybe it will strike a chord with younger audiences.
Okay, L.L., time for you to weigh in.
L.L. SOARES: Well we kind of already have a new Three Stooges. It’s too bad they’re so lame.
Bella Swan as Moe
Edward Cullen as Curly
Jacob Black as Larry
Edward Cullen as Curly?
At one point, the Farrelly Brothers’ THREE STOOGES movie was going to star some A-list actors: Sean Penn as Moe, Benicio Del Toro as Larry and Jim Carrey as Curly. I’m sorry that fell through, because even if it was bad, it would have been really interesting to see those guys play the Stooges.
But seriously, I don’t think anyone can replace the original guys. On the one hand, I would love to see a new Three Stooges movies, but since it can’t be the originals, it’s just not “real.” I have really mixed feelings about this new movie, and I think chances are incredibly slim that it will be any good. But who knows? I’ve been wrong before.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: So, that wraps things up. Thank you everyone, for joining us on this week’s QUICK CUTS.
(L.L. SOARES throws another cream pie. MICHAEL ARRUDA again ducks out of the way, and the pie instead hits PAUL MCMAHON in the face.)
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Here we go.
MARK ONSPAUGH: It’s show time!
COLLEEN WANGLUND: I think I’ll pass on this segment.
L.L. SOARES: Not so fast. (He takes cream pie and squishes it in her face, while laughing.)
(PAUL MCMAHON hurls pie across panel and plugs L.L. SOARES in the face. L.L. throws back, but blinded, hits MARK ONSPAUGH instead. Everyone on the panel is throwing pies now, and strangely, MICHAEL ARRUDA has not been hit.)
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Well, it looks like I’m the only one to escape this cream pie madness, so once again, thank you all for joining us. (Suddenly, Michael is hit by a barrage of pies. He wipes cream off his face and licks his fingers. ) Mmm, this is pretty good! Did Jenny make this?
—END—-
Will the real THREE STOOGES please stand up!
