TOP TEN REMAKES I’M GLAD WEREN’T MADE IN 2011
By Jenny Orosel
10-BIRTH OF A NATION, directed by Mel Gibson. As appropriate as that pairing is, that would be wrong on so many levels.
9-GOODBYE UNCLE TOM directed by Steven Spielberg. He would have to tack on a happy ending. Sexploitation about slavery in the US shouldn’t have a happy ending. Just saying.
8-EL TOPO directed by Michael Bay. Somehow there would be an exploding midget if these two were combined.
7-SALO: 120 DAYS OF SODOM directed by Tim Burton. Sadism at its worst, but with bright colors and a Danny Elfman soundtrack. That seems wrong.
6-UROTSUKIDOJI from Pixar. The only good thing about this would be seeing the merchandising of tentacles in the Disney stores.
5-MY DINNER WITH ANDRE directed by Eli Roth. Instead of discussing philosophy and life, Wallace and Andre would spend two hours trying to rip the flesh from each others’ faces.
4-FACES OF DEATH directed by Gus Van Sant. Do we really need a shot-for-shot remake the way he did with PSYCHO?
3-THE WHALES OF AUGUST directed by Alejandro Jodorowsky. Those who know me would be shocked—Jen opposed to a Jodorowsky movie? THE WHALES OF AUGUST is a beautiful, sensitive movie starring Vincent Price in the twilight of his life. Jodorowsky would make the star Marilyn Manson, and somewhere there would be sex with the whales. But because it was a Jodorowsky flick, I would have to see it. Then I would be traumatized.
2-CAT PEOPLE directed by the guy who makes the Maru videos for YouTube. You know those videos of a large cat jumping into boxes? That’s Maru. Now imagine him in a movie about repressed sexuality. Yeah, I don’t want to, either.
1-ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST directed by Charlie Sheen. You know what? Scratch that—I would totally go see this!
© Copyright 2011 by Jenny Orosel