CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT
COMING ATTRACTIONS: July 2011
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
(THE SCENE: The stark surface of the moon. An astronaut slowly makes his way through zero gravity.)
ASTRONAUT (crackly audio): Mission Control? Come in.
MISSION CONTROL: Mission Control, here. Go ahead.
ASTRONAUT: I don’t believe this, Mission Control. We’re not alone up here. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. There’s—-.
MISSION CONTROL: Transformers?
ASTRONAUT: No. Cinema Knife Fighters.
(MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES are seated in front of a wide screen TV set watching the trailer for APOLLO 18. They both turn towards the Astronaut.)
MA: That’s right. We’re here on the moon.
LS: We were here before you, and we’ll be here long after you’ve left, through the power of cyberspace.
ASTRONAUT: How is it you can breathe without a space helmet? There’s no oxygen up here!
MA: We can do whatever we want. We’re writers.
LS: For example, when we’re sick of talking to you, we can make you disappear, like so. (Snaps fingers and Astronaut disappears with a poof!).
MA: That wasn’t very nice.
LS: That’s why I did it.
MA: Anyway, we’re here on the moon to bring you our COMING ATTRACTIONS column for July, and we’ve chosen this setting because the first new movie to be reviewed this month is TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON.
LS: I’d rather be reviewing APOLLO 18, but that one’s coming out in August.
MA: Actually, it’s just been changed to September. No lie. Get this, the release date for APOLLO 18 has already changed 5 times! Right now, it’s slated to open on September 2, but I’m not holding my breath. Five release date changes? That’s crazy. Anyway, this one’s not opening in July, so we’ll move on to the July releases and talk about APOLLO 18 later, whenever the hell they decide to release the damn thing.
So, we begin July with a review of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON, or I should say, I begin July, as you won’t be reviewing this one with me.
LS: Nope. I’ve given you the honor. (Laughs hysterically).
MA: I’ll actually be reviewing TRANSFORMERS 3 with Dan Keohane, as he’ll be filling in for you that weekend.
I really don’t like the Transformers movies. The first one was tolerable, but the second one was awful. They say that #3 is going to be really good, and the previews don’t look half bad, but I’m not holding my breath on this one, and I fully expect not to like it.
It’s directed by Michael Bay. ‘Nuff said.
LS: On July 8 we’ll be reviewing the R-rated comedy HORRIBLE BOSSES.
This one actually looks pretty good. It stars Jason Bateman, Ed Helms (from the HANGOVER movies) and Charlie Day (from one my favorite shows, IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA) as put-upon workers out to get rid of their bosses (played by Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell and Jennifer Aniston, respectively). I like Charlie Day a lot, and he seems to be popping up in a lot of movies lately. I also thought Aniston looked the hottest I’ve seen her in the trailer for this movie.
MA: HORRIBLE BOSSES looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun. It’s directed by Seth Gordon, who directed a documentary several years back called THE KING OF KONG: A FISTFUL OF QUARTERS (2007). The film was about two men competing for the world record high score for the arcade game Donkey Kong, but I liked it because it was filmed at a place I visit regularly, the Fun Spot arcade in Weirs Beach, New Hampshire, which bills itself as the largest arcade in the world.
On July 15, it’s time for HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 2. This one will be covered by Dan Keohane.
(A great cheer erupts, and suddenly a humongous crowd of little green moon men stand applauding.)
What are they cheering for?
LS: That they don’t have to see HARRY POTTER either. Thanks, Dan, for sparing us all!
MA: Yes, thanks, Dan!
LS: As fans of the series know, DEATHLY HOLLOWS PART 2 is the final Harry Potter movie, so this is a big deal for Potter-heads, or whatever fans of Harry call themselves. Dan has been following the series –first in book form and then the movies – since the beginning, so he’s best qualified to review the last film.
MA: Also, we don’t want to see it.
LS: And it’s in 3D, too!
MA: Okay, on July 22, it’s CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER.
I’m looking forward to CAPTAIN AMERICA. I think the previews look great, and dare I say it, even the 3D effects look good in the previews! So, I have high hopes for this one.
It’s directed by Joe Johnston, who also directed THE WOLFMAN (2010) remake, so this bodes well for CAPTAIN AMERICA. The screenplay was written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, the same two writers who wrote the screenplays for all three CHRONICLES OF NARNIA movies. This does not bode well for CAPTAIN AMERICA!
LS: It could be worse. It could be written by writers who gave us the TWILIGHT movies.
MA: Captain America will be played by Chris Evans. Let’s hope he has better luck this time around as a superhero, because he failed to wow me as the Human Torch in the FANTASTIC FOUR movies. However, Evans was memorable in SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (2010) as one of the evil ex’s.
LS: I actually don’t mind him that much. I hope he makes a great Cap!
MA: Hugo Weaving will play The Red Skull. Weaving has been in a ton of movies, like the MATRIX series, and he played Inspector Abberline in THE WOLFMAN.
LS: The Red Skull is a classic bad guy. I think Weaving should be pretty good in the role.
MA: The cast also includes Stanley Tucci and Tommy Lee Jones.
LS: Captain America hasn’t had the best luck with movie versions so far. In fact, some of the past ones have gone straight to video, or have been TV-movies. This is the first time Cap gets the real big-budget treatment. I’m hoping this one turns out great, and, at this point, Marvel’s movie line has become pretty reliable. I’m not expecting anything here that will blow me away, but it should be fun, at least.
MA: And we finish July with COWBOYS AND ALIENS, opening on July 29.
LS: This one could go either way, but the trailer actually looks pretty decent. And I like Daniel Craig, who’s the star of this one.
MA: I’m not sure what to make of COWBOYS AND ALIENS. I love the cast. Teaming Daniel Craig with Harrison Ford is inspired casting, and I can’t wait to see them in action together.
It’s directed by Jon Favreau, the director of the two IRON MAN movies, so this is a good sign, and it was written by Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Damon Lindelof, Mark Fergus, and— yep, one more, Hawk Ostby. Five screenwriters. Incredible.
LS: Hey – Damon Lindelof was one of the creators of LOST, with J.J. Abrams!
MA: Well, that’s good news.
And the wild card— COWBOYS AND ALIENS is produced by Steven Spielberg! He just produced another movie we reviewed here – J.J. Abrams’ SUPER 8. Actually, he’s just one of the producers involved with COWBOYS AND ALIENS. Just how many producers were there? Ready for this ? Fifteen!
I have to say that number again. Fifteen! And in addition to Spielberg, Ron Howard is also in the mix. With all that talent behind it, the film has to be good? Right? Not really. We’ll find out for sure on July 29.
Well, that about wraps things up for us here. I might as well stay here on the moon since I’ll be reviewing TRANSFORMERS 3 this week. I think I’ll join the little moon men for a drink while I wait. (to LS) Care to join us?
LS: Sure. As long as I’m gone before the movie starts. I’m glad you’re seeing it without me. I hear that the TRANSFORMERS movie is in 3D too, which means you’ll have to pay more for a ticket! (Laughs hysterically).
MA: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
LS: I am!
(Small moon men walk by, carrying packages of something called “Green Cheese”)
MA (to little moon men): Any of you guys want to see the new TRANSFORMERS movie with me? (They all start laughing.) I didn’t think so.
Well, folks, it looks like I’ll be boldly going where many have gone before but few want to return.
See you at the movies!