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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for MAY 2013

Posted in 2013, 3-D, Action Movies, Bad Situations, Coming Attractions, Disaster Films, Dystopian Futures, R-Rated Comedy, Sequels, Superheroes with tags , , , , , on May 3, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
MAY 2013
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  The interior of a HUGE laboratory, with STARK ENTERPRISES logos all around, and various Iron Man suits on display.  MICHAEL ARRUDA &. L.L. SOARES enter lab.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome to the Coming Attractions column for May 2013.

L.L. SOARES:  Our time to tell you what we’ll be reviewing in the month ahead

MA:  We’re here at Stark Enterprises not only because we’ll be seeing IRON MAN 3, the first big release of the month, the weekend of May 3, but because this place is humongous, and it’s symbolic of the blockbuster movies that are finally starting to roll out in theaters this month.

LS:  Whatever.  I’m just glad we’re here.  I can’t wait to try on one of these funky Iron Man suits.

MA:  I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Mr. Stark explicitly said we could do our review from here if we don’t touch anything.

LS:  Since when do I care what you think?

MA:  If you blow yourself up fiddling with one of those suits, don’t blame me.

LS:  I won’t blame you.  I’ll come back to haunt you though.

MA:  Oh joy.  Anyway, we kick off the month of May with a review of IRON MAN 3, opening in theaters on May 3.  I love the Marvel superhero movies, and so it goes without saying that I’m really looking forward to this one.

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The original film in this series, IRON MAN (2008) is one of my all-time favorite Marvel superhero films.  The second one IRON MAN 2 (2010), not so much.  I realize this is the third film in the series, and so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it played like a third film in a series and wasn’t so good.

But I really enjoy Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, and I like Gwyneth Paltrow a lot, and the Marvel films have just been so good, I think this one will play better than a third film in a series.  Of course, I feel as if I’ve already watched IRON MAN 3, when I watched last year’s phenomenal THE AVENGERS (2012), which I liked even more than the original IRON MAN.

IRON MAN 3 features Ben Kingsley as the villain, The Mandarin, and Guy Pearce and Don Cheadle.  It’s directed by Shane Black, with a screenplay by Black and Drew Pearce.  Looking forward to it.

LS:  Yay, the Mandarin is finally in an IRON MAN movie! The Mandarin, in the comics, is like Iron Man’s big villain, the equivalent of the Joker for Batman, so it’s about time he made it to film. I wonder if the Mandarin’s giant blue killer robot ULTIMO will be making an appearance – with today’s CGI efforts, they’d be able to do him justice, but I didn’t see any sign of Ultimo in the trailers. The Mandarin’s main powers emanate from rings on his fingers that involve alien technology, and he’s a criminal mastermind. It looks like they have changed him a bit for the movie, making him more like an international terrorist, which is okay, as long as the basic essence of the character is there. The fact that he is played by Ben Kingsley means we should get a decent bad guy in this movie. Let’s hope they don’t waste him like they did Whiplash (as played by Mickey Rourke) in IRON MAN 2.

MA:  Yes, Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash was very disappointing, surprisingly so.

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LS:  Then, the weekend of May 10, we’ll be reviewing AFTERSHOCK.  Looks like another “End of the World” type movie, with a cast that includes director Eli Roth. Roth also acted in Quentin Tarantino’s INGLORIOUS BASTERDS, 2009 (and his Grindhouse entry DEATH PROOF in 2007), so he should do fine here. Aside from that, I don’t know much about it. But I hope to be entertained.

MA:  I liked the trailer for this one.  It looks like it’s going to be an intense movie.

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Moving right along, on May 17 we’ll be reviewing STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS, director J.J. Abrams’ follow-up to his successful STAR TREK (2009) movie, which was a reimagining of the classic 1960s TV show which I thought worked very well.

It’s been hush-hush with this sequel, as very little information has surfaced as to what this movie will be about.  Even the film’s trailers haven’t given too much away, which is a good thing.

The cast from the first movie are all back again, and this is also a good thing, since they all did a terrific job the first time around capturing the personalities of the iconic crew of the Starship Enterprise.  Chris Pine is back as Captain Kirk, Zachary Quinto returns as Mr. Spock (he was phenomenal in the first movie), Karl Urban as Dr. McCoy, Simon Pegg as Scotty, Zoe Saldana as Uhura, Anton Yelchin as Chekov, and John Cho as Sulu. 

I’m looking forward to this one.

LS:  Me, too. I enjoyed Abrams’ first STAR TREK movie. It actually held up pretty well, even though he kind of put his own spin on these iconic characters. So I’m expecting more of the same with INTO DARKNESS. Should be a good time.

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On the weekend of May 24, we’ll be reviewing THE HANGOVER PART III (2013).  Do we really need a PART III? I don’t know. I liked the original a lot, the second one wasn’t as good, but it had some big laughs. I’m sure PART III will have laughs, too, but where else can they go with this series? As usual, Hollywood gets a hit and they flog it to death. But maybe THE HANGOVER series still has more to offer. We’ll see.

MA:  I’m looking forward to it.  I’m actually looking forward to the entire month of May’s releases.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been largely disappointed with the movies that have come out so far in 2013, generally speaking. I’m hoping that May’s releases change this.

LS: I haven’t been too disappointed. I’ve seen at least four movies so far this year that might make my “Best of 2013” list, so I can’t complain too much. I’m usually not a big fan of brainless big-budget blockbusters, but this year’s crop of May movies look better than average.

MA: I can think of two so far that would make my “Best of” list, and we’re about to enter May, so like I said, I haven’t been too impressed by this year’s crop of films.

But I do love THE HANGOVER movies, although I recently re-watched PART 2 on Blu-Ray and didn’t find it as funny as I did the first time.  Still, how can you not enjoy the insanity which surrounds Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis)?  The stories in the first two movies are just so over the top I find it nearly impossible not to laugh at them.  I suspect the third film in the series will be just as nutty.

If you like your comedy with an edge, then THE HANGOVER movies are the films for you.

LS: Don’t gush too much. I guess THE HANGOVER movies have kind of an edge for mainstream R-rated comedies, but I really haven’t found them all that shocking. I do hope there is more of Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) this time around, though.

MA: It’s directed by Todd Phillips, who directed the previous two HANGOVER movies, but once again it’s not the original writers penning the script.  It’s written by Phillips and Craig Mazin, the same pair who wrote PART II.

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We finish May with a promising thriller, THE PURGE, which opens on May 31.  Starring Ethan Hawke, this dark actioner tells the tale of a futuristic society that allows crime to run rampant for one night of the year and what happens to one family in particular on this brutal night.  From the producers of the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and SINISTER (2012), this one is written and directed by James DeMonaco, who doesn’t have a whole lot of credits, but he did write the screenplay for the remake of ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (2005) which I remember liking a lot.

This one looks like it has promise.

LS:  The trailer for this one looks really cool. And there are more sinister villains in masks, reminiscent of THE STRANGERS (2008). Ethan Hawke also had a really good showcase in his last movie with these producers—SINISTER, which I liked a lot—so I am eager to see what they come up with this time.

MA:  Also opening on May 31 is the thriller NOW YOU SEE ME (2013), an interesting-looking yarn about a team of illusionists who rob banks.  It’s got a great cast which includes Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Elias Koteas.

It’s directed by Louis Leterrier, who directed the CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010) remake, which I didn’t like, but he also directed THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008) starring Edward Norton, which I really liked.

It’s written by Ed Solomon, Boaz Yakin, and Edward Ricourt.  I hope to review this one solo as well on this last weekend of May.

LS: Yeah, if you review that one, you’ll be seeing it by yourself. However, I might be reviewing a few movies solo this month too, if they are showing near me. Some films coming out in limited release in May include THE ICEMAN, starring Michael Shannon as a real-life hitman and serial killer; the indie vampire movie KISS OF THE DAMNED; and the new movie by Ben Wheatley, who made my favorite film of last year, KILL LIST; this one’s called SIGHTSEERS, and I’m sure I’ll be reviewing at least one of these before the month is over.

MA: All in all, it looks like May is going to be a good month for movies.

LS:  Okay, I have my Iron Man suit on.  Now it’s time to take it on a flight.

MA (shaking head):  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

LS:  Ignition!  (Rockets ignite, blasting MA in a fiery ball of flame.)  Oops! 

MA (charred and smoking):  Oops?   That’s all you have to say?

LS:  How about, “See ya!” (Ignites rockets and flies off into the sky).

MA: He really burns me up (drum beat). Anyway, folks, we’ll see you this weekend with a review of our first May movie, IRON MAN 3. 

LS: Look out below!  (LS in IRON MAN suits flies into the ground, creating a huge smoky crater.)

MA:  Oops!

—END—

 

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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for APRIL 2013

Posted in 2013, Action Movies, Aliens, Coming Attractions, Crime Films, Demons, Horror, Possessed By Demons with tags , , , , , , on March 29, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
APRIL 2013
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  A cabin in the woods.  MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES are inside, looking at books.  LS is reading the Book of the Dead, while MA is reading the E-book version of the same.)

LS:  I had no idea the Book of the Dead is available as an E-book now.

MA:  It just came out.  It’s a sign of the times.  It even has this interactive menu.

LS:  Let me see that.  (MA hands the E-Reader to LS.)

MA:  I wouldn’t go clicking any icons if I were you.  It is the Book of the Dead, after all.  At least wait until after we finish this column.

LS:  You’re no fun.  And I’ll press buttons if I want to!  See, I just clicked on the “Kick my Ash” icon and nothing happened.

MA:  Will you stop!  We have a column to do!

LS:  Wimp!  But you’re right.  We do have a column to do.

Welcome to the COMING ATTRACTIONS column for April 2013, where we preview which movies we’ll be reviewing in the coming month.

Up first on April 5, it’s the remake/reimagining of THE EVIL DEAD (2013).  Most people reading this column are probably familiar with Sam Raimi’s 1981 original version. It’s the movie that put him on the map, as well as star Bruce Campbell. Based on the trailer for the new EVIL DEAD, it looks fairly faithful to the original story, but I’ll be surprised if it’s half as good. I’m a big fan of the original and I’m not expecting the remake to blow me away. But, as usual, I would love to be surprised and find out this is a really good version. So we’ll see.

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MA:  Honestly, I haven’t seen the original EVIL DEAD (1981) in years, but I remember it fondly, as well as its sequels. That being said, I was never a big fan of the trilogy.  I liked them, but I didn’t love them.

I am looking forward to this remake or reimagining, or whatever the heck it is.  We just haven’t had a lot of horror movies out at the theaters of late, it seems, so it should be fun to finally have a major horror release on the big screen.

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Also opening on April 5 is a new thriller 6 SOULS (2013).  I know very little about this one, other than that it stars Julianne Moore, who I like a lot.  If it opens near me, I’ll be seeing it and reviewing it.

LS:  Yeah, I don’t know much about this one. But if it does come out near us, you’ll be reviewing it solo.

MA:  On April 12, we’ll be reviewing SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013).  I had enough of this series after just the first movie.  The fact that we’re up to 5 is ludicrous.  All I can say about this one is ugh!

LS: I agree. I also saw the very similar HAUNTED HOUSE (2013), starring Marlon Wayans earlier this year (Wayans was one of the originators of the first few SCARY MOVIEs) and I enjoyed it. But SCARY MOVIE 5 seems to be covering a lot of the same territory, so the jokes may already be stale. I’m not expecting much from this one.

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MA: However, there are a couple of talented writers involved here, Pat Proft and David Zucker. .

Proft has a ton of writing credits.  He worked on the screenplays for the NAKED GUN movies, as well as a bunch of other parodies, including the previous two SCARY MOVIE movies.

David Zucker, of course, is one of the men behind AIRPLANE! (1980), which he co-wrote and co-directed.  He also co-wrote the NAKED GUN movies and directed SCARY MOVIE 3 (2003) and SCARY MOVIE 4 (2004).  So, maybe there’s hope.

Then again, the film stars Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.

LS:  On April 19 we’ll be reviewing OBLIVION (2013) starring Tom Cruise.  This is going to be a big science fiction blockbuster starring Cruise as a guy doing cleanup on a destroyed Earth after an alien invasion. It looks like it could have potential, and Cruise is usually okay in these kinds of things.

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MA:  I enjoyed Cruise’s previous movie JACK REACHER (2012) a lot, so I’m kinda looking forward to this one.  The trailers don’t make it look like anything great, but it’s science fiction, so I’m intrigued and hopeful.

It’s directed by Jospeh Kosinski, the guy who directed TRON: LEGACY (2010), which wasn’t too bad.  Kosinski also co-wrote the screenplay, along with a couple of other writers, including Michael Arndt, who wrote the screenplays for LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE (2006) and TOY STORY 3 (2010).  Arndt is also on tap to write the screenplays for the upcoming HUNGER GAMES sequel and the next STAR WARS movie.

And in addition to Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman, OBLIVION also features everyone’s favorite crazy mother, Melissa Leo.  Leo of course nailed that crazy mama persona in her Oscar winning performance in THE FIGHTER (2010).

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LS:  While I think OBLIVION might be fun, I am much more excited about another movie coming out that weekend, Rob Zombie’s new film THE LORDS OF SALEM (2013).  If this one comes out near me, I’ll be reviewing it solo. It concerns some DJs in modern-day Salem, Massachusetts who get a mysterious vinyl record in the mail by a new band that may be steeped in witchcraft. I’ve been waiting for Rob Z to come out with a new original film ever since he made the last two HALLOWEEN films. He’s so much better working from his own original ideas, so I’m very hopeful that this one might put him back on track as an ambitious horror filmmaker again.

MA:  And we finish the month with a review of PAIN AND GAIN (2013),  a movie billed as a— and I’ll try to say this with a straight face— crime drama comedy about weightlifters caught up in a kidnapping scheme gone wrong, starring Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, directed by Michael Bay.

That about says it all.

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LS:  PAIN AND GAIN might be fun. Both Wahlberg and Johnson have been in good movies, and bad ones, so this one could go either way. But the trailer looks pretty good. It’s the Michael Bay thing that worries me.

MA: Exactly!  And I thought the trailer was all over the place.  I couldn’t tell if it was serious or a comedy, and it turns out it’s both, which is fine, but for some reason I thought it looked goofy.

And that wraps things up for April.  Can I have the E-reader back now?  (LS hands it back to MA).  Hey, what did you do to the screen?

(A giant vine shoots out from the E-Reader screen and wraps itself around MA and pulls him to the ground, where they wrestle violently.)

LS:  Wow, the 3D function really works!  And you don’t even need glasses!

—END—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for March 2013

Posted in 2013, Action Movies, Adult Fairy Tales, Body Horror, Coming Attractions, Crime Films, Demons, Exorcism Movies, Fantasy, GIANTS!, Occult with tags , , , , , on March 1, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
MARCH 2013
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  The magical land of Oz, outside the Emerald City to be exact.  Munchkins are dancing and singing, good witches are flying about singing cheerful songs, and MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES stroll down the yellow brick road.)

L.L SOARES:  Being here brings back so many memories.

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Like the day you met your cousins, the flying monkeys?

LS: That was a special day.  Teaching them how to be scary, and how to beat tin men over the head with clubs.  Ah, memories!  But I was actually talking about watching THE WIZARD OF OZ as a kid. Back in the days before videotape, it only played once on TV every year, and was a really big deal.

MA:  I’ve never liked THE WIZARD OF OZ.

LS:  What?  Was it too scary for you?

MA: I used to find it depressing.  I enjoyed Hammer Films much better.

GOOD WITCH:  Welcome, Cinema Knife Fighters!  Are you here to review OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL?

LS:  Not yet.  We’re here today for our MARCH COMING ATTRACTIONS column.

MA:  That column where we announce which movies we’ll be reviewing in the coming month, and we’re here in Oz, because OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is probably the month’s biggest movie.

LS:  But it doesn’t open until March 8, and so we have some other films to discuss first.

GOOD WITCH:  Carry on.

MA:  First up in March, we’ll be bringing you reviews of two movies.  I’ll be reviewing JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013), and L.L. will be reviewing THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 (2013).  Both these films open on March 1.

While no fan of the recent rage of fantasy fairy tale movies aimed at adults, films like HANSEL & GRETEL:  WITCH HUNTERS (2013) and SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (2012), based on the trailers, I don’t think JACK THE GIANT SLAYER looks half bad.

LS: I think you’ve been eating too many magic beans!

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MA:  It looks like it might be taken seriously enough to be a successful movie.  I know the CGI effects in the previews look pretty good, and the giants look formidable.  Sure, it’ll probably be stupid, but I’m hoping it might have an edge to it, something along the lines of the movies Terry Gilliam used to make.

LS: You said the CGI effects look good and the giants look formidable? I’m not sure we saw the same trailer. The giants I saw looked pretty damn hokey. Incredibly fake-looking giants don’t tempt me to see this movie much.

MA: Nicholas Hoult is playing Jack, and we just saw Hoult in WARM BODIES (2013).  As much as I didn’t really like that movie, Hoult wasn’t bad in it, so hopefully he’ll be decent as Jack.

LS: Another reason I’m glad I’m not seeing it.

MA: The cast also includes Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, and Ian McShane, so there’s some pretty good talent involved here.

It’s directed by Bryan Singer, who directed X-MEN (2000) and X2 (2003) and SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006), a film you liked more than I did, but again, there’s talent involved in this movie, so it just might be good.

LS:  I like Singer, but nothing about the trailers for this one makes me want to see it. Then again, the trailer for THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 looks like it could be awful, too. This movie really didn’t need a sequel, but the reason why the first movie was so good was because the lead guy, the exorcist Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian), made the story compelling. It looks like he’s not even in this second movie. So I don’t have high hopes for it. It just looks like the usual exorcism shenanigans.

I doubt either one of us will see something great, but at least we’ll get two solo reviews out of it.

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MA:  Yeah, THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 looks like one of those movies that has no business being made.  Now, I liked the first movie a lot, but, like you said, the main reason for liking that one was the main character, the preacher Cotton Marcus, but this second movie isn’t about him, it’s about the young girl from the first movie, Nell (Ashley Bell) and her story just isn’t as interesting.

Plus the trailer for this one makes it look really silly.

LS:  On March 8 it’s the big release of the month, OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL.

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MA:  I have to admit, this one looks really good, but I can’t say I’m overly excited about it, since I’ve never been a fan of THE WIZARD OF OZ.  But it is Sam Raimi at the helm, and I do liked James Franco a lot, and Mila Kunis is nice to look at, so I probably will end up liking this one.

LS: I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who didn’t like THE WIZARD OF OZ before. You’re an odd gent.

MA: Really?  I know a lot of people who aren’t fans of THE WIZARD OF OZ. I can’t speak for them, but for me, when it was on TV each year when I was a kid, I used to watch it and like it, but eventually found myself sick of the story, especially the final scene where Dorothy’s relatives chuckle at her story about Oz, obviously dismissing her tale as a figment of her imagination.

LS:  What did you want them to do?  Believe her?  Tell me, is it possible this scene bothered you because when you were a child, people didn’t believe your stories?

MA:  Vampires are real and living in my basement!  (suddenly composing himself).  Sorry.  No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anyway, on March 15 we’ll be reviewing the new thriller THE CALL (2013), starring Halle Berry as a 911 operator who becomes entangled with a serial killer.  Now, if you’ve seen the trailer for this one, you’ve probably seen the entire movie.  It’s pretty extensive, and I feel like I’ve seen the film already, so I’m really not that excited about it.

It also stars Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine herself.

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LS:  Oh boy! Maybe she’ll sing! But seriously, I am not looking forward to this one at all. It looks pretty awful, and you’re right, the trailer makes you feel like you already saw the movie. So why bother?

LS:  On March 22, we’ll be bringing you a DVD review of CELL COUNT.  This one is part of our up-and-coming filmmaker series, where we review new movies by directors who are trying to make a name for themselves. I hope it’s good.

MA:  I don’t know much about CELL COUNT, but I’m looking forward to seeing it.

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We finish the month with two reviews on the same weekend yet again.  I’ll be reviewing G.I. JOE:  RETALIATION (2013), and L.L. will be reviewing THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES (2012).  Something tells me you’re getting the better end of this deal!

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION I’m sure will be absolutely stupid.  G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF THE COBRA, which I saw in 2009, was not only one of the worst movies I saw that year, but one of the worst movies I’ve seen period!  Ever!

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Yet, somehow, this one’s got a decent cast— actually more than decent— with the likes of Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum, Ray Stevenson, RZA, Arnold Vosloo, Byung-hun Lee from I SAW THE DEVIL (2010), and Jonathan Pryce.  So, who knows?  It might be good after all!

Plus, the screenplay was written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, the same guys who wrote ZOMBIELAND (2009).

LS:  Yeah, I can’t stand G.I. JOE movies, so I’m glad I’ll be missing this one.

MA:  I just don’t get why we even have G.I. JOE movies.  When I hear “G.I. Joe” I think of the popular toy action figure from years back, but is it even still around today?  I’m sure it is, but is it popular?  I don’t get it.

LS:  THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES is a mystery starring Ryan Gosling, and it involves some kind of heist, based on the trailer. I’m eager to see this one.

MA:  Yeah, it features Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper, two of my favorite actors, so I’d say this one sounds like a winner.

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And that wraps things up for our MARCH COMING ATTRACTIONS column.  We’ll see you next week with reviews of JACK THE GIANT SLAYER and THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2.

GOOD WITCH:  Remember to give OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL a positive review.

MA:  That depends on whether we like it or not, because if we don’t like it, then we can’t in good faith—.

(GOOD WITCH zaps MA with her wand and turns him into a frog.)

LS:  Wow. You’ll have to show me how to do that!  But what’s the idea of turning Michael into a frog?  I thought you were a good witch?

GOOD WITCH:  I am.  When it comes to casting magical spells, I’m good!

LS: I’d ask you to change him back, but that would be so unlike me.  Okay, folks, we’ll see you next weekend!  Don’t worry.  Michael will be back to his normal self in time to review JACK THE GIANT SLAYER.   I know this for a fact, because there’s no way I’m going to see it!

FROG:  Rib-bit!  Rib-bit!

—END—

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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS: FEBRUARY 2013

Posted in 2013, Action Movies, Aliens, Coming Attractions, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on February 1, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
FEBRUARY 2013
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  A city street, infested with zombies, shambling along aimlessly.  MICHAEL ARRUDA, in full zombie make-up, joins in on the action, while L.L. SOARES watches from the sidelines.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA (to LS):  What are you doing over there?  You’re missing all the fun.

L.L SOARES:  I’m sick of zombies!

MA:  Your loss.  Hey, didn’t we do this at a convention once? Get made up as zombies?

L.L. SOARES:  Yes we did.  But we didn’t have real zombies with us then!

MA:  Yikes!  These are real zombies?

LS:  Do you think those are actors? (points to several zombies chomping on a body, ripping out its insides and munching on intestines).

MA (grimaces):  I just lost my appetite.  (Looks at LS who has a cell phone to his ear.)  What are you doing?

LS:  I’m ordering take-out!  All this feasting is making me hungry!

MA:  Anyway, folks, welcome to our Coming Attractions column for February, that column where we preview the movies we’ll be reviewing for the coming month, and no, we’re not kicking off February with a WALKING DEAD movie.

LS:  No such luck. But speaking of THE WALKING DEAD, the TV series comes back with new episodes in February….

MA:  But the zombies here are to promote the new teenage zombie movie, WARM BODIES, opening Friday, February 1.

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WARM BODIES believe it or not, looks to be a romantic zombie comedy.  Now, I love movie zombies, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the zombie comedies as well, movies like SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) and ZOMBIELAND (2009).  But, I don’t know about this one.

While the trailer makes it look halfway decent, I’m thinking it just might be a bit too silly for my tastes, and by silly, I don’t mean comedic.  Laughs are fine. I mean it might just be too light and airy to make much of an impact.

LS:  As I’ve said before, I’ve gotten really sick of zombies. And I never liked teen romance movies that pretend to be horror. So this one has two strikes against it from the start. Based on the trailer for this one, a zombie falls in love with a human, and that love reanimates his dead heart, so it starts beating again. How heart-warming. Excuse me while I throw up.  I’ll see this one and review it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

MA: Also opening on February 1, it’s the latest Sylvester Stallone action pic, BULLET TO THE HEAD.  Now, I’m a Stallone fan, so in spite of the fact that this one looks like just another buddy cop action film, I’m looking forward to it.  I always find Stallone entertaining.

LS: Too bad he doesn’t play a teenage zombie in that one.

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MA: That being said, the trailers do very little for me, as it looks pretty standard.  The plot could have been lifted from any 80s action buddy movie.  And it’s directed by Walter Hill, the guy who gave us some of those 1980s buddy action movies, including 48 HOURS (1982) starring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, and RED HEAT (1988) which paired Arnold Schwarzenegger with James Belushi.  So, the guy’s had lots of practice.  Hill might be most famous for directing THE WARRIORS (1979), the controversial film that was blamed for inciting gang violence back in the day.  Hill also directed a little movie I liked a lot—again, back in the day— THE DRIVER (1978) in which the two lead actors were cast against type, as Bruce Dern played the cop, and Ryan O’Neal played the villain, the driver.

LS: THE WARRIORS was a lot of fun. He also directed STREETS OF FIRE (1984).

MA: Walter Hill is a veteran filmmaker, and so perhaps BULLET TO THE HEAD will be a better than average movie.

LS:  Yeah, with Hill at the helm, I bet it’s not too bad, even if it does rip off the title of one of John Woo’s best Hong Kong movies.

And opening in limited release on February 1 it’s HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2 (2013).  I have no clue if this one will be playing near me, but if it does, I’ll check it out. If I remember correctly, the first one wasn’t too bad.

The-Haunting-in-Connecticut-2-Ghosts-of-Georgia-Poster-18853_650x400

(Zombies crowd around MA and are about to attack him, when LS pulls out a shotgun and blows their heads off)

MA: And to think I complained that you didn’t do the zombie makeup thing with me.

LS: Someone’s gotta shoot them in the heads.

On February 8, we’ll be reviewing Steven Soderbergh’s latest movie SIDE EFFECTS.  Like one of his previous movies, CONTAGION (2011), this one seems to give everything away in the trailer, which annoys me to no end. But maybe it will be good. It’s about a new anti-anxiety drug that has murderous side effects – or that’s how it looks, at least.

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MA:  I know very little about this one, as it hasn’t been heavily promoted in my area.  I do like both Rooney Mara and Jude Law.  On the other hand, it’s by the same writer/director team— Scott Z. Burns and Steven Soderbergh— who gave us CONTAGION—and this isn’t a good thing, as I didn’t like CONTAGION all that much.

LS: Soderbergh is hit or miss, but I think he’s made more good movies than bad ones, so I’m hoping SIDE EFFECTS is a good one.

MA: Moving ahead to February 15, I’ll be reviewing the latest in the DIE HARD franchise, A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD (2013) starring Bruce Willis as everybody’s favorite super cop, John McLane.

LS: He’s not my favorite super cop!

MA: Now, I enjoyed the original DIE HARD (1988) a lot, but I can’t say that I’ve ever warmed up to the sequels all that much.  They’ve all been exceedingly far-fetched— not that the original was all that realistic.  However, I do enjoy Bruce Willis, so I’m willing to have an open mind about this one.

Let’s see, this movie comes upon the heels of Stallone in BULLET TO THE HEAD which followed Schwarzenegger in THE LAST STAND in January— have we gone back in time?  It’s the 1980s action line up all over again!

LS:  I’m not a fan of the DIE HARD franchise. I didn’t mind the first one, but I went out of my way to avoid the sequels. Instead, I’ll be reviewing the new Don Coscarelli movie, JOHN DIES AT THE END that week. A new movie by the director who gave us PHANTASM (1979) and BUBBA HO-TEP (2002) might just be something to get excited about.

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MA:  We finish the month with a review of the February 22 release DARK SKIES (2013), a science fiction thriller directed by Scott Charles Stewart, the guy who directed PRIEST (2011) and LEGION (2009).  Ugh!

LS: That doesn’t bode well.

Dark-Skies

MA: But it’s produced by the folks who gave us the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and INSIDIOUS (2010), so this helps, I guess.  The trailers do look pretty creepy.

LS:  The trailer for DARK SKIES looks pretty good. So I’m looking forward to it. I hope it’s more like INSIDIOUS than PRIEST.

MA:  And that wraps up February. There’s nothing really amazing that I want to see coming out this month.  (looks at zombies)  You guys actually don’t look so bad.

(Zombies begin to jump and cheer behind them.)

MA:  Don’t get too excited.  I still don’t have high hopes for your movie.

(Zombies frown and start closing in on MA & LS)

LS (loads his gun):  On the other hand, it could be just the genre film we’re looking for!

(Zombies stop, and as they ponder LS’s words, LS & MA run away.)

LS & MA: Stupid zombies!

(Zombies shrug and return to foraging for food.)

—END—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

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CKF COMING ATTRACTIONS FOR JANUARY 2013

Posted in 2013, 3-D, Action Movies, Adult Fairy Tales, Chainsaws!, Comedies, Coming Attractions, Crime Films, Gangsters!, Horror with tags , , , , , , on January 4, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
JANUARY 2013
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: A hotel lounge, the day after a New Year’s party. Patrons are either passed out or drearily wobbling towards the exits. Hotel staff are cleaning the area, taking down streamers, putting away dirty dishes, and putting away food. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES sit at a table, wide awake and ready to go, with a bottle of champagne and two glasses in front of them.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Happy New Year everybody! Welcome to 2013!

L.L. SOARES: We hope you’ve had a happy and safe New Year’s Eve celebration, and you’re ready to ring in the New Year.

MA (looks around them): Hopefully you’re feeling better than the folks at this party.

LS: And if not, go back to bed, take a nap, and catch us later, because we’ll still be here.

MA: That’s right. Cinema Knife Fight isn’t going anywhere, and we’re excited to be bringing you all kinds of movie reviews and goodies in 2013.

LS: Let’s get the ball rolling. (Kicks a shiny “Happy New Year!” ball across the lobby.)

MA: That’s the way to kick off the year.

(Off camera comes the sound of glass breaking followed by a loud scream.)

Today we’re bringing you our COMING ATTRACTIONS column for January 2013, where we preview the movies we’ll be reviewing this month.

LS: First up, on January 4, it’s TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013). When I first heard about this, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear about yet another sequel, but supposedly this one is a direct sequel to Tobe Hooper’s original film from 1974, and takes place between that movie and Hooper’s THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2 from 1986. Even better, it pretends as if the incredibly tepid remakes never existed, which is fine by me. I’m still not expecting a masterpiece here – Tobe Hooper had nothing to do with this one – but maybe it won’t be so bad.

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MA (shaking his head): I don’t know about this one— truth be told, I’ve just never been a fan of Leatherface and his TEXAS CHAINSAW movies, and along comes yet another one, in 3D no less— I don’t know.

LS: Not even the original? Man, you’re not much of a horror fan, are you? Maybe you’d prefer a nice little romantic comedy instead.

MA: Let’s move on to January 11. On this date we’ll be reviewing the glossy-looking gangster flick GANGSTER SQUAD (2013), a film I’m looking forward to—sort of.

I’m looking forward to it because I like Ryan Gosling, Josh Brolin, Sean Penn, and Emma Stone, but I’ve seen the trailer for this one forever now, and I feel as if I’ve seen everything that’s going to happen in this movie already. Are there any surprises left?

Plus, it’s clearly reminiscent of Brian DePalma’s THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987) even though it is based on a different story. Its director, Ruben Fleischer, also directed ZOMBIELAND (2009), so that’s a good thing,

I expect that I will like GANGSTER SQUAD, but only if it offers more than what’s been shown in its ubiquitous trailer.

gangster-squad-poster

LS: I’m not all that excited about this one, and it may be for the same reasons. The trailer has been shown in theaters for months now, and to tell you the truth, I thought this one already came and went. The idea of actually having to sit through it sounds a little tedious to me. And Sean Penn looks kind of cartoony in the previews as an over-the-top Mickey Cohen. Maybe it will surprise me. I sure hope so.

Also, on this same weekend, John Harvey will be reviewing ZERO DARK THIRTY, and we’ll definitely be looking forward to his review.

On January 18, we’ll be reviewing the new horror movie MAMA (2013). It’s about a guy who takes in his two nieces when they’re found living a feral existence in the woods. Him and his girlfriend (played by Jessica Chastain, an actress I like a lot) seek to civilize them, but then there’s the issue of who, or what, their Mama is. Seems to be some kind of monster or evil spirit or something. A lot of people have been thinking, based on the trailer, that this one is directed by Guillermo Del Toro, but he was only the executive producer on this one. You’re going to have to wait until July for del Toro’s new movie as a director—the giant monster flick PACIFIC RIM.

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MA: I’m looking forward to MAMA. The trailer looks creepy, and I have a feeling that after TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D I’m going to be in the mood for a good horror movie.

LS: Who’s saying they both won’t be good? Either way, what are you doing slamming a movie that you haven’t even seen yet? They’re going to be completely different kinds of horror movies to begin with, so you shouldn’t be comparing them.

MA: Yeah, one good and one bad. I’m just joking. Who knows? I might love CHAINSAW and hate MAMA. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing it.

Also coming out that weekend is THE LAST STAND (2013), the new action movie starring everybody’s favorite Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s the story of a small town sheriff (Schwarzenegger)—yeah, that’s believable!—who has to defend his town from a ruthless drug cartel, with only his small town “Barney Fife” associates to help him.

LS: Yeah, his sidekick in this one is Johnny Knoxville from JACKASS.

laststand2

MA: Everything about this movie seems silly and ridiculous, but it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I have so many fond memories of Arnold’s movies from the 80s and 90s, that I can’t help but want to see this one, and as goofy as it looks, I’m looking forward to seeing it.

LS: Yeah, you’re alone on that one.

MA: Interestingly enough, it’s directed by Jee-woon Kim, the South Korean director who directed the grisly, relentless horror movie I SAW THE DEVIL (2010). Something tells me THE LAST STAND isn’t going to be as intense as I SAW THE DEVIL.

LS: What the hell! Why is Jee-woon Kim directing crap like this??

MA: Also worth mentioning is the presence of Harry Dean Stanton in the cast. Always good to see him in a movie.

And we finish the month with another ridiculous looking movie, as on January 26 it’s HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013). As much as I like Jeremy Renner, this one looks awful, and I’m not looking forward to seeing it.

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LS: Yeah, it looks kind of awful. The trailer makes ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER look great. I have no desire to see this one, but I guess we gotta.

The R-rated comedy MOVIE 43 (2013) also opens this weekend, and I’ll be reviewing this one solo. Hopefully it will clean my palette after HANSEL AND GRETEL. It looks to be in the spirit of old comedy anthology movies like KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE (1977) and AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON (1987). Lots of different skits, lots of big name stars, raunchy comedy. I hope it’s half as good as it looks.

MS: Yes, MOVIE 43 looks epic in its raunchiness. It has a huge cast. I’m guessing all those folks aren’t in it very much.

movie-43

And on a very busy weekend, Jason Statham also has a new movie coming out, PARKER (2013), and I’ll be reviewing this one solo. PARKER looks pretty standard. Statham plays a thief, bad guys screw him over, Statham seeks revenge.  I like Statham a lot, and so it should be fun watching him do his thing, but again, this one doesn’t look like anything special.

parker-movie

That being said, it’s directed by veteran director Taylor Hackford, who’s given us such films as DOLORES CLAIRBORNE (1995), THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE (1997), and RAY (2004). And it has a screenplay by John J. McLaughlin, who wrote the screenplays for HITCHCOCK (2012) and BLACK SWAN (2010), based on a novel by Donald E. Westlake, a novelist and screenwriter who wrote among other things the screenplay to the original THE STEPFATHER (1987).

This one also features Jennifer Lopez, Nick Nolte, and Michael Chiklis in its cast.

Hmm. Maybe this one will be more than a standard actioner after all.

LS: Good luck with that.

MA: That wraps things up for us here. Thanks for joining us everybody, and we’ll see you next Monday with our review of TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D.

LS: So long everybody!

MA (offering glass to LS): Champagne?

LS: Are you kidding? They’ve got tequila shots in the next room.

MA: I’m with you. (puts glass down. They exit towards bar.)

—END—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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Cinema Knife Fight Coming Attractions for DECEMBER 2012

Posted in 2012, Action Movies, Coming Attractions, Crime Films, Fantasy Films, Murder!, Tarantino Films with tags , , , , , , on December 7, 2012 by knifefighter

Cinema Knife Fight – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
DECEMBER 2012
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

 

(THE SCENE: A prairie somewhere in the Deep South.  MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES ride in on horses and come to a stop under a tree.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome to this month’s COMING ATTRACTIONS column. The column where we preview what movies we’re reviewing for the month.

L.L. SOARES:  And we’re riding in on horseback, I reckon, because we’re on our way to Mississippi to review the big movie of the month—and the one I’m most looking forward to—Quentin Tarantino’s DJANGO UNCHAINED.

MA:  Which takes place in Mississippi just before the Civil War.  But this highly anticipated movie doesn’t open until the end of the month, and so we have a few other movies to review first.

LS: Dang it!

Well, the weekend of December 7th, I’ll be reviewing the movie DEADFALL starring Eric Bana as a criminal on the lam after shooting a cop. It looks like it might be pretty good, but I think it’s in limited release, which means Michael won’t be able to see this one. That’s okay, because I can take the following weekend off.

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MA:  Yep, the weekend of December 14th, I’ll be reviewing THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY (2012), Peter Jackson’s follow-up to his LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy.  I’ll either be reviewing this one solo or with a guest reviewer, as L.L. here will be sitting this one out.

LS:  Yeah, I’m allergic to hobbits.

MA: Really? You’re physically allergic to them?

LS: Okay, not really. But  I hate ‘em. They’re annoying little bastards.

(Little hobbits run by and toss some cream pies at LS.  He ducks out of the way, and the pies hit MA in the face.)

LS (laughing):  Sucker!

MA (licking cream off his fingers):  It’s okay.  I love cream pies.

I also loved Jackson’s LORD OF THE RINGS movies, so I’m looking forward to THE HOBBIT, even though I’m not quite sure I’m ready for a trilogy based on Tolkien’s book “The Hobbit.”  I mean, it’s not like “The Hobbit” is an epic 1,000 page book.  But THE LORD OF THE RINGS movies were nearly flawless in their attention to detail, and I was thoroughly captivated by all three movies, enjoying the journey into Middle Earth, and I believed it, every step of the way.

LS:  Gullible fool.

MA:  Ian McKellen returns as Gandalf, reprising the role he played in the three LORD OF THE RINGS movies, and Martin Freeman will be playing Bilbo Baggins.  Peter Jackson directs once again, and is also one of the four screenwriters, in a group that includes Guillermo del Toro.

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LS:  I wasn’t a big fan of the LORD OF THE RINGS s movies. The first one was okay, the second one bored me to death, and I didn’t even bother seeing the third one, so I’m not the best person to review THE HOBBIT, and I’m more than happy to sit this one out.

MA: It’s too bad you missed the third one.  It might be the best of the three.

On December 21, we’ll be reviewing JACK REACHER, an action thriller starring Tom Cruise.  I’m not really a Tom Cruise fan so I can’t say I’m all that excited about this one.  The trailer makes it look like an updated variation of the Dirty Harry movies, and seeing Cruise in this tough guy role is about as convincing as if he were being played by Justin Bieber.  Nuff said.

It does have a decent supporting cast though, including Robert Duvall and Richard Jenkins, so at least we’ll have those guys to watch.

It’s written and directed by Christopher McQuarrie, the guy who wrote VALKYRIE (2008) the OK Nazi thriller starring Tom Cruise, and way-back-when he wrote THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995), a film I liked a lot.

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LS: I’m actually more excited about this one than you are. I think the trailer for JACK REACHER looks pretty cool. I’m not a big Tom Cruise guy, either, but he’s good at playing these cold-blooded hitman types. I enjoyed COLLATERAL (2004) a lot, for example, where Cruise played a hired killer opposite Jamie Foxx as a cabbie who drives him around.

I’m looking forward to it.

Speaking of Foxx – the movie I’m looking forward to most is Quentin Tarantino’s new one, DJANGO UNCHAINED, coming out on Christmas Day. A new Tarantino movie is always a reason to celebrate, as far as I’m concerned. I love all his movies, and I expect to love this one, too. He delivers the goods.

This time around, Jamie Foxx plays Django, a slave who bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz, who was so terrific in Tarantino’s last film, 2009’s INGLORIOUS BASTERDS) takes under his wing. Django has information about some guys Schultz is hunting down, and in return for his cooperation,  Schultz agrees to set Django free and help him find his wife. With Leonardo DiCaprio as an especially sleazy bad guy named Calvin Candie, this one looks like a lot of fun.

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MA:  Yep, I’m really looking forward to DJANGO UNCHAINED as well.  It’ll be fun to see a new Quentin Tarantino movie, and while I’m not the biggest fan of Jamie Foxx, I do like Leonardo DiCaprio a lot, and I also remember really enjoying Waltz’s performance in INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.

It should be a strong way to finish the month, and—since this is December—the year as well.  I think 2012 has been a good year for movies.

LS:  Yeah, it’s been pretty good. Speaking of which, don’t forget to look for our BEST OF and WORST OF columns at the end of December, or early on in January. I’m sure both of those lists will be pretty easy to write this time around.

MA:  That’s right.  And that’s it for now.  Thanks for joining us everybody!  (to LS) Shall we ride off into the sunset?

LS:  Sure (hits the back of MA’s horse, and the animal panics and tears away with MA trying to control it.)  (LS smiles)  I’m such a basterd.

(Hobbits reappear and throw more cream pies as LS and his horse.)

LS:  Now you went and done it. My horse hates cream pies!

(LS and horse chase the little hobbits up the hill in zany fast motion while BENNY HILL music plays.  Meanwhile, MA finally slows his horse down just in time to be trampled first by the frightened hobbits and then by LS and his horse.)

—END—

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CKF COMING ATTRACTIONS for October 2012

Posted in 2012, 3-D, Action Movies, Based on a Video Game, Coming Attractions, Demons, Ghosts!, Horror with tags , , , , , , on October 5, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
OCTOBER 2012
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  Halloween Night.  A residential street filled with lots of little trick-or-treaters and their parents.  Among them walk two big trick-or-treaters, MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES, who are not in costume.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  I just love Halloween.  It’s fun seeing all the trick-or-treaters.

L.L. SOARES:  I guess.  I’d rather be home answering the door, scaring all the trick-or-treaters.

MA:  No can do.  We’re going to a Halloween party this year.  Besides, you don’t have to be home to scare the little tykes.  You can do that right here on the street.

LS:  Good idea.  I might even get some of their candy.

MA:  You wouldn’t stoop that low, would you?  Stealing Halloween candy from trick-or-treaters?

LS:  Of course not!  But when they drop their bags onto the street as they flee in terror, I can’t just leave it on the ground.  That would be littering! (laughs).

(A group of trick-or-treaters approach.  LS growls at them, but they don’t run away.)

BOY DRESSED AS VAMPIRE:  Cool, mask, mister!

LS:  Mask?  I’m not wearing a mask!

GIRL DRESSED AS PRINCESS:  I like your ghoul mask.

LS:  I’m not wearing a mask!  This is my real face!

MA:  Scary, isn’t he?

LS:  Boo!

(Kids run away screaming.)

LS:  That’s more like it.  Although they didn’t leave any candy behind.

MA:  Let’s get to our first movie.  Up first this October is not a horror movie, but an actioner, the Liam Neeson sequel TAKEN 2 (2012) opening on October 5.  I’ve become a big Neeson fan of late, so I’m disappointed that I have to miss this one.

LS:  Yep, our very own John Harvey will be reviewing this one, since he’s our go-to-guy for action movies. I actually did see TAKEN, and I liked it, but I’m not all that eager to see the sequel, so I’m kind of relieved that John stepped in.

Our newest staff member, Sheri White, will be reviewing a movie this weekend, as well: Tim Burton’s FRANKENWEENIE.

MA:  I’m not disappointed I’m missing FRANKENWEENIE.

On October 12, we will be reviewing a horror movie, which is appropriate for the month of Halloween, and it’s also the first of three in a row, which is pretty cool, since it seems there haven’t been many horror movies on the big screen of late.  Anyway, on October 12 we’ll be seeing SINISTER (2012), a horror flick by the same people—specifically the same producers— who brought you INSIDIOUS (2010), a film I liked.

This one looks good too, although one problem I do have is the trailer is pretty extensive and it seems as if they give a lot of the plot away.  I’m not sure what’s left in terms of surprises.

It stars Ethan Hawke, who was decent in the vampire flick DAYBREAKERS (2009).

It’s written and directed by Scott Derrickson, who wrote and directed THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE (2005), an OK exorcism movie that was nothing to write home about.

LS:  Yeah, I have no idea what to expect with SINISTER. I’m not a big Ethan Hawke fan, but this one looks like it might have potential. I hope it’s at least as good as INSIDIOUS, which a lot of people really seemed to like.

Then on October 19, we’ll be reviewing PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4. I know it’s a sequel, but I always have fun at these movies. They’re well made for what they are—and the audiences are always very interactive, in a way that actually enhances your enjoyment of the movie. I’m definitely one of these people who hate it when people talk or make noise during a movie, but with the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY series, it’s all part of the experience.

MA:  I have to agree.  I’m looking forward to this one too, because the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies have definitely grown on me.  They’re scary, and seeing them in a packed theater with lots of people screaming and yelling out jokes to ease the tension is a lot of fun.

Originally, I didn’t enjoy them as much, since I didn’t feel their stories were all that great.  I still feel the same way, but I can’t deny that the experience of seeing them in a packed theater is a lot of fun.

LS: If you rent one of the PARANOMRAL ACTIVITY movies and watch it at home, there is no way you’re going to fully understand what’s so good about them. These movies are best experienced in a movie theater.

MA: And we finish the month with a review of SILENT HILL: REVELATIONS (2012).  It’s a sequel to SILENT HILL (2006), a film I didn’t like.  I saw it on DVD and really struggled to get through it.  I found it dull and confusing.
That being said, the trailer for this movie looks pretty good, so perhaps this will be a case where the sequel is better than the original.  We’ll see.

It’s written and directed by Michael J. Bassett, and he wasn’t involved in the previous movie, so the fact that it’s someone completely different at the helm this time bodes well for the production.

Our old friend Malcolm McDowell is in it, and hopefully he’ll be better here than he was in the Rob Zombie HALLOWEEN movies.  And it’s in 3D.  Nuff said about that!

LS:  I actually thought the first SILENT HILL was one of the better video game-based movies I’ve seen. Since that was made back in 2006, I figured it didn’t do very well and there wouldn’t be another one. It’s strange that it took them six years to make a sequel, but you’re right, it looks like it might be good. I’m looking forward to it.

MA:  So, that takes care of October.  At least we’ve got some horror movies to look forward to.  That’s something.  And none of them have the word “Saw” in the title.

LS:  I’m looking forward to the day when we can add the words RESIDENT EVIL to that list of franchises that decided to stop making movies.

MA:  Hey, we’ve reached the party.  Let’s put our masks on.

(MA & LS put on masks of SISKEL & EBERT.)

LS:  I refuse to say “Two thumbs up!”  Real men use knives!

MA:  I agree!  Well, at least this way people will recognize us as film critics!

(They enter the party.  Someone shouts, “Hey, look, it’s ABBOTT AND COSTELLO!”)

—END—

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Cinema Knife Fight Coming Attractions for SEPTEMBER 2012

Posted in 2012, 3-D, Based on a Video Game, Based on Comic Book, Based on TV Show, Coming Attractions, Science Fiction, The Future, Time Travel with tags , , , , , on September 7, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
SEPTEMBER 2012
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  A carnival.  MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES are standing in front of various trick mirrors that make them look incredibly short, amazingly tall, exceedingly fat, and with humongous oversized heads.)

LS:  So, what’s with all the trick mirrors?  (looks at his reflection which gives him a huge head.)  Are you trying to tell me I have a big ego or something?

MA:  Too obvious.  No, these mirrors symbolize this September’s movies.

LS:  How do you figure?

MA: Well, there seems to be a lot of deceit and trickery in this month’s movies, so I thought this carnival would be the perfect setting to have us tell the folks what we’ll be reviewing in September.

LS:  Really?  Well, there’s no trickery in the month’s first offering, THE IN-BETWEENERS, which opens on September 7.  At least I don’t think so. It’s based on a British TV show, and is about four nerdy kids who will do anything to have sex while on vacation. It looks like it will try to push the envelope like the HANGOVER movies. I can’t really tell if it will be funny or just plain embarrassing. The teen protagonists look incredibly annoying.

MA:  I like British humor, and I’m looking forward to this one.  I’m just not sure how wide a release this one is getting, and so it may not be playing at a theater near me.

If this proves to be the case, I will most likely review something else, as there are a couple of other movies opening this weekend.

There’s THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY, a new thriller starring Henry Cavill, the star of IMMORTALS (2011) and the next Superman in next year’s MAN OF STEEL, as a young man whose family is kidnapped while they’re on vacation, and he learns that his father (Bruce Willis) works for the CIA.  It doesn’t sound all that exciting to me, mostly because it doesn’t seem all that original.

The one thing that I am looking forward to regarding this one is that Sigourney Weaver is playing the villain, so that might be worth something.

It also has a pretty bad title.

The other film of interest that opens this weekend is the science fiction thriller BRANDED (2012), another conspiracy story, this one about a futuristic society in which people are deliberately brainwashed by product ads by an evil corporation, and one man’s attempts to buck the system and fight back.  This one stars Max Von Sydow as the baddie.  Could be good.  Could be unoriginal and uninspiring.

LS: I remember seeing the trailer for that awhile back. Once again, a movie that might be in limited release. I think I’d rather see BRANDED over THE IN-BETWEENERS. But I guess it’s possible we might see neither the weekend of September 7th. I’m getting sick of movies only being in limited release. So it may be a surprise which ones we end up reviewing this weekend.

I wonder how many movies we’ve announced in COMING ATTRACTIONS that we said we were going to review, but never did because the movies never played anywhere near us.

MA: I’d say quite a few.  It’s a pain.

On September 14, we’ll be reviewing the latest RESIDENT EVIL movie, RESIDENT EVIL:  RETRIBUTION (2012).  And it’s in 3D.  Oh joy!

While I like the RESIDENT EVIL movies, I’m hardly excited by them.  Why?  I find their stories to be a bit of a bore.  For instance, in this one, what do we have?  We have Alice (Milla Jovovich) once again fighting the evil Umbrella Corporation.  Ho hum.

Granted, Jovovich is very good in these movies, and she’s the main reason I like them, but she can only carry them so far.  The trailer for this one makes it seem like a rip-off of TOTAL RECALL as it goes on about everything she ever knew in her life being fake, an implanted memory, blah blah blah.

It’s written and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.  This is the third RESIDENT EVIL movie he’s directed, and he’s written all five of them.

LS:  I remember liking the last one okay. That was in 3D, too. But it ended in such a blatantly obvious way—right in the middle of the story—that you knew a sequel was already in the works. Talk about flogging a dead horse. End this damn series already! It’s starting to get tedious. Even if I agree about Jovovich—she’s the only reason to see any of these movies—I really don’t understand why anyone continues to go see them.

MA:  On September 21, I’ll be reviewing DREDD (2012) solo, since L.L. will have that weekend off.  I can’t say that I’m looking forward to this one either, but it’s an action movie based on the comics’ character, so there’s hope for it I guess.  And not to be outdone by RESIDENT EVIL, it’s also coming to us in 3D!

It stars Karl Urban as Judge Dredd, and I have to admit I’ve enjoyed this guy’s performances in recent years.  He was excellent as Dr. McCoy in the J.J. Abrams reboot of STAR TREK (2009), and he was the only good thing in the awful horror movie PRIEST (2011) as he played the villain Black Hat.  So, if he’s allowed to act and not just be a special effect in one fight scene after another, this one just could be good after all.

LS:  I actually want to see DREDD, since the character (who originated in British comic book 2000 AD) is pretty cool. Unlike that lame Sylvester Stallone movie from the 80s. I bet you the new movie is a big improvement, if they stick to the source material. Maybe I’ll see it afterwards and provide a follow-up review to yours, if it’s worth seeing.

And then, on September 28, I’ll be reviewing LOOPER solo as it’s Michael’s turn to have the weekend off.  This one could be interesting. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a hit man who kills people for the future who are sent back in time for elimination. But what happens when the guy he’s supposed to kill is an older version himself? With Bruce Willis as Levitt’s older self. This might be one time travel flick worth seeing. I hope.

MA:  As much as I like time travel stories, based on the previews, this one doesn’t excite me, so I’m not unhappy I’ll be missing it.  I do enjoy Bruce Willis though, who seems to be popping up in a new movie every couple of weeks these days!  So maybe— maybe I’ll see this one afterwards and then write my own follow-up review to yours.

LS:  Copycat!

MA:  So, that wraps things up for the month of September.  Sadly, none of the movies this month do much for me.

LS:  Yeah, it’s sounds like a mediocre month at the movies.

MA:  Personally, I could be just as entertained by these goofy carnival mirrors.  And I wouldn’t have to pay extra for 3D glasses!

LS:  That’s just like you to suggest something boring and then think it’s fun!  What are you going to do?  Sit around here all day and watch people look at themselves in these mirrors?  That’s creepy!

MA:  No, what’s creepy is when someone looks into one of those mirrors and sees something they’re not expecting to see.  Hmm.  That gives me an idea.  (whispers in LS’ ear.)

(CUT TO: Several little kids laughing at their images in the carnival mirrors, but when they get to the fourth mirror, they scream and run away.  Camera reveals the mirror is missing, and in its place, in the center of the empty frame, stands LS in horror make-up with blood dripping from his lips.  Camera pulls back to see MA wearing a top hat and speaking into a megaphone.)

MA:  Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and see the hideous monster in the mirror.  More hideous than Freddy Krueger, scarier than a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie, one look and you’ll scream in terror!  (aside to camera) We have to earn a living somehow!

—END—

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

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CInema Knife Fight – Coming Attractions for AUGUST 2012

Posted in 2012, Action Movies, Based on a True Story, Cinema Knife Fights, Coming Attractions, David Cronenberg, Ghosts!, Haunted Houses, Horror, Possession, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on August 3, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
AUGUST 2012
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A room filled with futuristic contraptions.  L.L. SOARES sits in a chair wearing a weird space-age apparatus on his head.  MICHAEL ARRUDA enters.)

MA:  What’s that on your head?  Are you doing the Recall thing?

LS:  Recall?  Nah.  I was just listening to music.

MA:  I’ve never seen headphones like that before.

LS:  It’s the latest thing:  3-D music.

MA:  What’s 3-D music?

LS:  Where the music jumps out at you, like this.  (Lifts a guitar and smashes it over MA’s head.)

MA:  Wow!  I’ve never had music touch me so directly.  It really resonates!  Let me try.  (puts on futuristic headphones and starts nodding his head to a beat.  Picks up a tuba and conks LS on the head with it.  The tuba breaks in half.)

LS:  3-D is overrated.

MA:  Anyway, welcome everybody to our Coming Attractions column for August!  We’re here in this hi-tech playroom because first up on our list of movies to review this month is TOTAL RECALL (2012), the remake of the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

I remember liking the Schwarzenegger movie a lot, but I can’t say that I’m looking forward to this remake.  You know, in general, I don’t have problems with remakes.  I like to see different takes on the same story, but these days, there’s just too many of them!  It’s ruining all the fun.  I really don’t see the need for a remake of TOTAL RECALL, a movie that came out in 1990, just twenty-two years ago.  I guess that’s a long time, but I don’t know, it doesn’t seem long enough.

This one stars Colin Farrell in the Arnold Schwarzenegger role.  Farrell, if you remember, starred in the FRIGHT NIGHT remake which came out this time last year, and he more than held his own in that movie, which wasn’t half bad, and so perhaps there’s hope for this one after all.

Of course, it also stars Kate Beckinsale from the UNDERWORLD movies, Jessica Biel, and Bryan Cranston, so it’s got a decent cast.  And the guy who directed it, Len Wiseman, directed some of the UNDERWORLD movies and also wrote them.

LS:  I like Kate Beckinsdale a lot, but I’m not a fan of the UNDERWORLD series, so I don’t have high hopes for this one. The trailers look very bland. I have no clue why TOTAL RECALL needed a remake, either. Especially since there are other Philip K. Dick stories that have not been adapted for film yet, that they could have chosen instead.

I remember that the original RECALL was a lot of fun. I hope this one surprises us. Otherwise, it will be a long night at the movies.

(ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER enters, dressed as the Terminator.)

ARNOLD:  I’m back.

MA:  Good to see you, but you’re dressed for the wrong movie.  TOTAL RECALL is being remade, not THE TERMINATOR.  Not to worry though.  You’re on the screen for real in THE EXPENDABLES 2, which we’re reviewing later this month.

ARNOLD:  Oh goodie.  I’m in a new movie.  Perhaps I’ll have some new lines to say other than retreads of famous past ones.

LS:  I wouldn’t bet on it.

MA:  Ten to one you’ll say something like “I’ll be back” again.

ARNOLD:  Damn!  I need to start writing my own lines.  I’ll go off and do that now.  I’ll be back.  Damn!  I just said it again!  (Exits in the midst of a conversation with himself).

MA: The following weekend, August 10, John Harvey will be filling in for us as he reviews THE BOURNE LEGACY (2012) as we shift from remakes to sequels.

I like the BOURNE movies and at first was disappointed that Matt Damon wouldn’t be appearing in this one, but I do like lead actor Jeremy Renner, seen recently in THE AVENGERS (2012) as Hawkeye.  Edward Norton (the former Hulk) is also in the cast.

I’m looking forward to reading John Harvey’s review.

LS:  Yeah, I like Jeremy Renner, too, and I’ve been following his career since he wowed us in THE HURT LOCKER (2008). I bet this one is okay, but I haven’t seen the previous BOURNE movies and I’m not really all that eager to. Besides, it will be nice to have a weekend off from going to the movies.

On August 17, we’ll be reviewing two movies   I’ll be reviewing COSMOPOLIS (2012) – the new David Cronenberg movie starring Robert Pattinson – Edward himself from the TWILIGHT movies. This one should be interesting. I’m not sure how much of a genre film it is – it’s about a billionaire taking a drive across Manhattan to get a haircut, and the bizarre things that happen to him – but Cronenberg is an iconic director, and his teaming up with Pattinson might be fun. The two of them have already started work on their next movie together, so I guess they got along pretty well. COSMOPOLIS also stars Juliette Binoche and Paul Giamatti, so that’s promising…..

MA:  ….And I’ll be reviewing THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) the star-studded testosterone-filled sequel to Sylvester Stallone’s action flick THE EXPENDABLES (2010).  I enjoyed the first film but didn’t love it, as it fell short of the lofty expectations set by its exciting cast.

The sequel boasts an equally impressive ensemble of action stars, and includes Stallone, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren, among others.

(ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER re-enters the room, reading from piece of paper held closely in front of his face.)

ARNOLD (reading his freshly penned lines):  I’m— here.  I’m walking by in front of the camera, looking forward to shooting some bad guys.  Have you seen any bad guys?  (glares at MA & LS.)

MA:  Don’t look at us.  We’re just critics.

ARNOLD:  Even worse!  (turns towards exit)  I’ll be—leaving now.  Hasta la vista, boobies! (Exits)

MA:  I don’t think he has a career in screenwriting.

LS:  The boobies line worked for me.

MA:  Back to THE EXPENDABLES 2, the first movie was a lot of fun and contained plenty of action, but it was done in by a very weak story that didn’t do its cast justice.  A new set of writers are on board for the sequel, so that’s a good thing.  Stallone also passed the directing duties (he directed the first one) on to Simon West.

LS: Sounds like I got the better movie to review, at least!

MA: On August 24, we’ll be reviewing THE APPARITION (2012) a new horror movie (finally!) about ghosts and paranormal research. The gimmick in this one is that the paranormal baddies are created by fear.  If you believe in them and are afraid, they come to life, or as the tag line says, “Once you believe, you die.”  It reminds me of the old William Castle/Vincent Price movie THE TINGLER (1959) which used a similar concept.  In that one, people had to scream to kill the monster which had come to life through people’s fear.

This PG-13 thriller features a mostly young cast led by Ashley Greene, who plays Alice Cullen in the TWILIGHT movies.  I can’t say that I’m impressed.

LS:  Another TWILIGHT alumnus, oh boy! Seriously, it will be nice to finally see a new horror movie again. It’s been awhile. I just hope it’s not too awful. And we finish off August with another horror movie, on August 31, when we review THE POSSESSION (2012).

MA:  Even though this one is “based on a true story,” I enjoyed its trailer, and as a result, I’m looking forward to it a bit more than THE APPARITION.  On the other hand, I can’t say that I’m too excited about it.  It looks like another standard ghost/possessed by an evil spirit story.  Worse yet, its two screenwriters, Juliet Snowden and Stiles White, also wrote the screenplay for the god-awful BOOGEYMAN (2005).  Ugh!

However, THE POSSESSION does feature Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the lead.  Morgan as you might recall was excellent as the Comedian in WATCHMEN (2009).

Well, that wraps up August.  It looks to be a less than stellar month, as it’s full of remakes, sequels, and potential bottom-of-the-barrel horror movies.

LS:  Let’s get back to our 3-D music.

MA:  Good idea.  Okay folks, we’ll see you Monday with our review of TOTAL RECALL.

LS:  Thanks for joining us for our August Coming Attractions column!  See ya!

(LS & MA put on their futuristic head-sets.  A heavy metal band jumps out from behind LS and begins to pummel MA with their guitars.  MA rolls away, gets to his feet, and motions to a large marching band which stomps towards LS, attempting to knock him over and trample him.  Marching band members and heavy metallers begin brawling in the street as the camera fades to black.)

—END—-

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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for JULY 2012

Posted in 2012, 3-D, Action Movies, Aliens, Blockbusters, Cinema Knife Fights, Coming Attractions, Crime Films, DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Superheroes with tags , , , , , , on July 6, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT COMING ATTRACTIONS: JULY 2012
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  A crowded beach in July.  Sunbathers and swimmers are everywhere, and MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are sitting on beach chairs, catching up on some summer reading.)

L.L. SOARES (puts down his copy of “Justine” by the Marquis de Sade):  As much as I’m enjoying this book, I wish things would liven up around here.  A visit from a great white shark, or some hungry piranhas would be just the thing!  Any chance these creatures will be showing up in our July movies this summer?

MICHAEL ARRUDA (puts down his copy of “SpongeBob Squarepants and Patrick Go to the Movies”): Unfortunately, no.  Just a couple of superheroes, a silly comedy, and Oliver Stone’s latest.

LS:  No piranhas?

MA:  I’m afraid not.  Didn’t you get your fill of piranhas last month with your review of PIRANHA 3DD?

LS:  It was over all too soon.

MA:  Which, for the rest of the planet, was a good thing!  How about we start our July Coming Attractions column?

LS:  Sure.

MA:  Up first, it’s THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012), which actually opens on Tuesday, July 3, so technically, the first weekend of July, we’ll be doing two Cinema Knife Fights because we’ll also be reviewing Oliver Stone’s SAVAGES (2012) which opens on Friday, July 6.

In regards to THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, admittedly, I’m a sucker for superhero movies, especially the Marvel movies of the past decade, and so yes, I am definitely looking forward to this movie.  But that being said, there’s a part of me who isn’t into it, the part of me who feels it’s just too soon after the Sam Raimi/Tobey Maguire movies to be starting a new Spider-Man series, but that’s just me.

Based on the previews, Andrew Garfield looks like he’s going to make a good Spider-Man, and the film as a whole looks pretty good, again, based on the trailers I’ve seen.  No Mary Jane in this one, as Peter Parker’s love interest here is Gwen Stacy, as played by Emma Stone, who was in THE HELP (2011), and she was also in ZOMBIELAND (2009) a few years back.

And this time around the villain is The Lizard.

LS:  I’m not sure what to expect, either. Originally, I wasn’t too thrilled about them rebooting the series, telling Spider-Man’s origin all over again, etc. But the more I see of it, the more I think it could work. I was getting very tired of Tobey Maguire in the role of Peter Parker, and while I think Sam Raimi can be great, he was getting incredibly tiresome as the director of the Spider-Man series. SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007), especially, was a horrible movie. So it needed some fresh blood.

(BARNABAS COLLINS walks by, holding an umbrella to block out the sun)

BARNABAS: Did I hear someone say “fresh blood?”

LS: None for you, you Johnny Depp look-alike.

BARNABAS: Drat! How did you know I was a vampire?

LS: The heavy white-make-up, the aversion to the sun, the fangs?

BARNABAS: Oh!

LS: Now stop bothering us before I put a stake in you.

BARNABAS: Be seeing you guys (BARNABAS hurries off the beach)

LS: Have I mentioned lately how much I hated Tim Burton’s version of DARK SHADOWS? It’s actually one of these movies that I dislike MORE the more I think about it.

MA: I didn’t like it either, and I also have to agree with you about SPIDER-MAN 3.

LS:  Where was I? Oh yeah, Spider-Man. I think Andrew Garfield could be an improvement as Peter. Gwen was his first girlfriend, so it makes sense she would be in this reboot and not Mary Jane (who came later in the comics—Sam Raimi had it all backwards). And the Lizard is one of Spider-Man’s better villains. So this one has potential. I hope it blows the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies out of the water. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Next up is SAVAGES, as you said. Based on the book by Don Winslow, it’s about three pot dealers who go up against a vicious drug cartel who wants to cut in on their business. I’m actually looking forward to this one a lot more than THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. I’m not a big Spider-Man fan, and SAVAGES looks more up my alley. A crime drama with lots of violence. It looks like Oliver Stone could be getting his mojo back. I hope so.

MA:  Yes, I’d expect you to be salivating over this one, since it stars one of your favorite actors, Taylor Kitsch (who earlier this year starred in BATTLESHIP and JOHN CARTER).  I didn’t like him in either of those movies, and so I’m looking forward to giving him another chance.

LS: Yeah, Kitsch deserves some success for a change.

MA: If anything, SAVAGES looks like it’ll be intense.  And yes, it’s directed by Oliver Stone, but truth be told, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen an Oliver Stone movie that I’ve really liked.  Interestingly, one of the screenwriters, Shane Salerno, also wrote the screenplay for ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM (2007), the second Alien vs. Predator movie, and one that I liked a lot.

Besides Taylor Kitsch, the other male lead in this one is Aaron Johnson, who played Kick-Ass in KICK-ASS (2010), and who looks completely different here. And the female lead is played by the beautiful Blake Lively, who we saw in last year’s THE GREEN LANTERN (2011).

I’ll also be looking forward to seeing Benicio del Toro in this one.

LS: Me, too. And don’t forget Salma Hayek as the head of the cartel. I’m betting this one is going to be a lot of fun.

MA: On July 13, there isn’t anything of interest opening at the theaters, and so most likely we’ll be bringing you a DVD review instead.

On July 20, we’ll be reviewing this summer’s most anticipated release, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES   (2012), Christopher Nolan’s third and final BATMAN movie.  I’m certainly looking forward to this movie, as I absolutely loved THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) and enjoyed BATMAN BEGINS (2005) a lot, too.  THE DARK KNIGHT is my favorite superhero movie of all time, as I believe it transcended the genre.  It’s one of my favorite movies period!

LS: I believe Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker transcended the genre. Otherwise, I thought THE DARK KNIGHT was a pretty standard superhero movie. I like it, but I don’t think it’s some kind of masterpiece like you do.

MA: That being said, I can’t really imagine THE DARK KNIGHT RISES topping THE DARK KNIGHT, so my expectations for this movie aren’t that high.  I’m still looking forward to it, though.  Batman’s always been one of my favorite superheroes, and I’ve enjoyed the various portrayals of Batman over the years, from Adam West to Michael Keaton.  Strangely, as much as I’ve loved the Chris Nolan Batman movies, I haven’t really enjoyed Christian Bale as Batman all that much.  He’s okay, but he hasn’t been the reason why I’ve liked these films so much.

Anyway, it has a great cast, it’s got Nolan at the helm, and it looks terrific, so there you go.

LS:  THE DARK KNIGHT RISES might be interesting. I think the villain, Bane, has a lot of potential. In the comics, he broke Batman’s back. I wonder if that will happen here.

MA:  Yes, I agree.  I think Bane has the potential to be another cool villain.

LS:  I’m not as excited about Anne Hathaway playing Catwoman, but we’ll see what happens. I think DARK KNIGHT RISES will be better than you’re expecting, for some reason. As for the character of Batman, I still maintain that anyone can play him. He’s a cipher. Under that cowl, Paul Reubens could be playing Batman, and it wouldn’t matter.

(PEE-WEE HERMAN dressed as Batman skips by them, carrying a huge beach ball.  He stops, aims and throws the ball at MA, but it bounces off the arm of MA’s beach chair and slams PEE-WEE in the head.)

PEE-WEE:  Ouch!  Hey, I meant to do that!

MA:  Yeah, right.  Hit the road, Pee-wee.

PEE WEE:  Pee-wee?  I’m Batman!

LS:  You’re Pee-wee!

PEE-WEE:  I know you are, but what am I?  (Skips away)  Has anyone seen my Bat Bicycle?  (Exits)

LS:  And then the month concludes with the July 27th release of THE WATCH. This one features Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill as members of a neighborhood watch group who come across some extraterrestrial monsters. It could go either way.

MA:  I don’t have much to say about this one, except that based on the previews, it seems very mediocre.  We’ll see.  I like Ben Stiller sometimes, but I’ve never been much of a Vince Vaughn fan, and Jonah Hill is following up on the success of 21 JUMP STREET (2012).  I really enjoyed Hill in MONEYBALL (2011).

And it’s written by Seth Rogen, who last year gave us the uninspired THE GREEN HORNET (2011).

LS: Everyone involved has done good stuff—and some stuff that wasn’t so good. So like I said, it could go either way. I hope it’s good. I hope it’s funny. I just don’t have high expectations for it. But I certainly go into a movie hoping it will be better than I expect.

MA: Well, that sums up our movies for July.  Shall we get back to our reading?

LS:  I still wish we’d get a visit by some hungry piranhas.

MA:  Well, don’t look now, but you’re about to get your wish.

LS:  Really?

MA:  Look over there.  (points to ocean.)

(A group of swimmers start screaming, and a huge pool of red darkens the water.)

LIFEGUARD:  Everybody out of the water!  Piranha!  Piranha!

LS:  Ah, the sights and sounds of a beach on a summer’s day.  All is right with the world.  Hey, how did you know the piranhas were coming?

MA: A little bird told me.

(A seagull flies above them with a piranha in its mouth.)

LS: I guess it’s true that seagulls will eat anything.

—END—

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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