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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou’s TOP 20 MOVIES OF 2012

Posted in 2012, 2013, Best Of Lists, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Comedies, Drama, Horror, Musicals, Science Fiction, Superheroes, William Carl Articles with tags Battleship, Best Movies of 2012, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Les Miserables, Life of Pi, The Avengers, William Carl on January 3, 2013 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

Presents

Top 20 Movies of 2012

I hate admitting it, but 2012 turned out to be an exceptional year for film entertainment. When I made out my list of favorites for the year, I was astounded to find twenty six movies listed, and these were the ones I really, REALLY liked. So, in all fairness to the year that was, I am making a list of twenty best this year. Please keep in mind, I have not been able to view everything released. I still haven’t seen THE MASTER, ZERO DARK THIRTY, PROMISED LAND, and others, but I have seen the films listed below, and they were all terrific in their own way.

And now, counting backwards:

20. THE AVENGERS – A comic book movie done right! Exciting, funny, if a bit too long; it was always entertaining.

19. SAVAGES – Oliver Stone brings us a wickedly twisted take on Don Winslow’s great novel and gives Salma Hayek her best role ever as a Mexican drug kingpin.

18. CABIN IN THE WOODS – A hoot and a half for horror lovers, this clever film turned the viewer into an active participant.

17. MAGIC MIKE – Filmed in beautiful pastel hues, this is more than a stripper movie; it’s a rom-com with just the right bit of silliness to combat the sweet. I hate admitting how good this is or how good Channing Tatum is in the lead.

16. THE RAID: REDEMPTION – Asian action to the tenth degree, this movie was more exciting than a hundred Hollywood blockbusters at a hundredth of the budget.

15. JOHN CARTER – Maligned by critics who never read Edgar Rice Burroughs, this is a faithful, old-fashioned and FUN film that brought out the twelve year old boy in me.

14.THE BAY – I thought I hated found footage films by now, but Barry Levinson made it fresh again with a truly horrifying take on a parasitic outbreak. It brought immediacy to the drama without making me scream “Put down the damn camera and run!” at the screen. Best horror film of the year.

13. PITCH PERFECT – Aca-hilarious! This does for acappella choirs what BRING IT ON (2000) did for cheerleading. A funny, wise-assed script, terrific music, and the best use ever for a John Hughes ending. I loved this even though I knew I shouldn’t.

12. THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS and WRECK IT RALPH– Who expects wit in a cartoon? These are both full of wit and wonder, beautifully animated, funny, and better than anything Pixar has done in years.

11. THE IMPOSTER- Riveting documentary about a boy who disappeared and the young man who claimed, four years later, to be that missing kid. Why didn’t the family report him to the police when it is so obvious he wasn’t their son?

10. LIFE OF PI – Easily the most beautiful and transcendent of the top twenty, Ang Lee’s terrifying story of a boy trapped on a life raft with a Bengal Tiger is scary and moving, opening up questions about truth and story-telling. Every writer should watch this one.

9. LINCOLN – Absorbing historical film with a riveting performance by Daniel Day Lewis. Some say it is slow moving, but the scenes of Congress battling over the future of slavery are gripping and beautifully written and directed. Spielberg’s best film since 2005’s MUNICH.

8. BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD – Nobody I know saw this lyrical, gorgeous, fascinating story of a childhood in poverty and the beauty a little girl creates within her fantasy world to block out reality. Rectify this and watch it now.

7. LOOPER – The best science fiction movie in years. Thoughtful, well-acted, and intense in ways most thrillers aren’t. Welcome back to the fold, Bruce Willis. We missed you.

6. MOONRISE KINGDOM – Wes Anderson’s lovely film about childhood and how we want to protect our children from themselves. It’s also a perfect blend of whimsy and Anderson’s perfect visual compositions.

5. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED – A wonderful comedy that sneaks up on you and remains with you forever. Snarkiness is rampant, but the heart of this movie is worn on its sleeve, and the ending will make you believe in love and the impossible.

4. DJANGO UNCHAINED – Quentin Tarantino’s homage to Italian Westerns is an incredible piece of work with numerous great performances, terrific music and songs, the best shoot-out since THE WILD BUNCH (1969), and the funniest scene ever involving the KKK.

3. ARGO – Possibly the most entertaining movie of the year with a great script, tight direction, lots of suspense, humor, and John Goodman and Alan Arkin in career bests. This is crackerjack Hollywood filmmaking, the kind you rarely see anymore, and everything in it works. Ben Afleck has become one of our best directors. How the hell did that happen?

2. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK – This is how you make a crowd pleaser without resorting to mawkishness and pandering. Two fragile, emotionally disturbed people meet, become friends, and help each other win a dance contest. Sounds hokey, right? It isn’t. This movie is so well acted and directed that I can’t imagine anyone not being moved by it.

1. LES MISERABLES – With all the faults of the stage play, this is still a wondrous experience in a theater. The actors sang their songs live – something unheard of in movie musicals – with varying results, but the immediacy and emotion this brought out of the score make this the closest we’ll ever get to a live Broadway Show on film. Plus, someone just engrave Anne Hathaway’s name on the Oscar now. I was reduced to an emotional puddle by the end, as was the entire audience.

*****

WORST FILM OF THE YEAR – No competition! BATTLESHIP was everything an action movie shouldn’t be…overblown, overlong, dull, unfunny, badly acted, with the dumbest script I have ever heard. My mouth hung ajar over this fiasco. And not in a good, “let’s make fun of it” manner! This snoozefest blew up everything in its path and still nearly put me to sleep.

Honestly, what a great year!

BATTLESHIP (2012)

Posted in 2012, Aliens, Based on a Board Game, Cinema Knife Fights, Outer Space with tags Alexander Skarsgard, alien invasion, Based on Board Game, Battleship, Brooklyn Decker, liam neeson, Peter Berg, Rihanna, Taylor Kitsch on May 21, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: BATTLESHIP (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A beach. On the ocean in the distance, a massive battleship is battling an even more massive alien spaceship. On the beach, MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES sit across from each other on beach chairs, with a table between them, playing the board game BATTLESHIP. They seem oblivious to the commotion on the sea behind them.)

MA: A-1.

LS: Steak Sauce!

MA: This isn’t a quiz! A-1.

LS: Miss.

MA: Miss? Where the hell are your ships? I haven’t hit one yet! Are you cheating?

LS: I never cheat! You’re just not very good at this game.

MA: What’s to be good at? You just call out letters and numbers, and eventually you’ll hit some ships.

LS: That’s why you’re losing. You don’t have any strategy.

MA: Really? What’s your strategy?

LS: I hide my ships well.

MA: Yeah, like off the board! (There is a massive explosion on the ocean, and for a moment MA & LS turn their attention to the sea battle.)

LS: Those guys are still going at it.

MA: It gets boring after a while, doesn’t it? Kinda like this week’s movie.

LS: I take it you didn’t like it?

MA: No.

LS: Care to tell us about it?

MA: Not really, but since I’m losing this game, anyway, I might as well.

Today we’re reviewing BATTLESHIP (2012), the new movie based on the Hasbro game BATTLESHIP. There’s been a lot of joking about this one for months now, since its plot—a story about the navy battling aliens from outer space—has nothing to do with the board game.

LS: As you folks can see, there are just battleships on this board. No space ships.

MA: Not yet anyway. I kept thinking during the movie that the marketing department will come out with a new version of the game which will include alien spaceships.

LS: That’s not so far-fetched. If this movie is a hit, I bet that new version of the game will be coming out next week!

MA: All joking aside, I had hoped that this one wouldn’t be bad. After all, it’s about battleships battling alien space ships. How bad can it be? Very bad, as it turns out. But I’ll get to that in a moment, maybe even in half a moment, since the plot synopsis isn’t going to take long.

BATTLESHIP is about Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), a young man with no direction, unlike his older brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) who is very responsible and in the Navy and looks out for his younger brother. When Alex tries to impress a sexy woman at a bar, in a comedic sequence that is embarrassingly awkward and out of place, he ends up afoul of the law and hits rock bottom. Stone put his foot down and tells Alex—in order to pull his life together—he has to join the Navy.

LS (shouting): Chicken Burrito!

MA: That’s not funny.

LS: I dunno, I saw Liam Neeson crack a smile at it in this movie.

MA: AAARGH!

(Suddenly, a loud Disco beat can be heard getting louder, and someone is chanting “The Navy, The Navy, The Navy.” Suddenly, the VILLAGE PEOPLE appear on the beach, in costume and dancing around on the sand)

VILLAGE PEOPLE: IN THE NAVY!

YES, YOU CAN SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS!

IN THE NAVY!

MA: No, no, no! Reviewing this movie is bad enough. I will not be subjected to disco music as well!

LS: I kinda like it.

MA: Go away! Now! All of you!

(The VILLAGE PEOPLE look dejected as they stop singing and dancing and walk away)

LS: Spoil sport.

MA: We have a review to do. We don’t have time for that stuff. Anyway, where was I?

Of course, it turns out that the woman in the bar, Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker) is the daughter of Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson)… who is, of course, a big wig in The Navy…

(The VILLAGE PEOPLE come back, singing and dancing)

VILLAGE PEOPLE: IN THE NAVY!

YES, YOU CAN PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE!

IN THE NAVY!

MA: No, no! Go away! Go away!

(The VILLAGE PEOPLE skulk off)

MA: Samantha, of course, immediately falls madly in love with Alex—why? I don’t know—and they want to get married, but first he has to ask permission from her father, the hard-assed Admiral. Again, we have to suffer through some awkward cliché comedic moments.

Meanwhile, scientists have built a communication network to communicate with other earth-like planets in the universe. Suddenly, the signal is answered as NASA tracks a group of ships descending towards Earth. These ships get here in a few minutes. They must have some pretty fast ships!

As you already know, ships land, aliens emerge with more fighting machines, and it’s up to the Navy to protect the Earth. More specifically, it’s up to Lieutenant Alex Hopper to prove that he really is a good officer, because it’s his ship that has to battle it out with the aliens, and it’s Alex who suddenly finds himself in command. Well, that’s believable!

Unfortunately, the good Admiral Shane and the rest of the Navy are blocked from the action by a gigantic wall of energy that prevents them from getting through to the battle, which means Liam Neeson disappears for the bulk of this movie.

LS: Lucky for him! I bet that was in his contract! “I’ll appear in this huge piece of dog crap if you give me lots of money and I get to disappear for most of the movie!”

MA: Not only does Alex get to save the world, but he has to worry about his girlfriend, because Samantha is also in harm’s way, in another dull clichéd storyline that I won’t even get into here.

LS: Yeah, it is pretty dull. I didn’t care about her storyline at all. But I guess I did kind of like Gregory D. Gadson as Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales, who appears in her part of the movie. Gadson was a real-life soldier and a double amputee. His role isn’t very well written and he’s not a great actor, but the man does have charisma on a movie screen. I just wish they’d done something more interesting with him

MA: So, how does it all end? Let’s put it this way: “Aliens from outer space, we hardly knew ye!”

There is so much wrong with this movie, I don’t know where to start. I hated this movie. I was bored within the first ten minutes, and this is a two hour and ten minute movie. It was a long night at the theater.

By far, the worst part is the writing. It’s so obvious that the screenplay by Erich Hoeber and Jon Hoeber was thrown together for the sole purpose of marketing a movie based on the game BATTLESHIP. It’s not like they had a real story to tell and set out to tell it. They had a script to write based on a game. There’s a HUGE difference. There’s nothing stimulating or moving about this story. It doesn’t connect at any level. It’s an insult to our intelligence as moviegoers.

This movie is so full of clichés it’s nauseating. The loser hero who must make good, who has to prove to his potential father–in-law that he’s good enough for his daughter, who has to set aside all his doubts and prove that he can lead. There’s more, but why go on?

I didn’t like any of the characters. The performances for the most part are fine, but everyone’s stuck in this dreadful story, and so none of the players come close to saving this one. The only guy who could have saved this movie is Liam Neeson, but his character is off-screen for the bulk of the action. Had this film pitted Neeson’s Admiral against the aliens, I’m sure I would have liked it better. It would have at least given me a character to root for.

LS: I agree. Neeson as the movie’s hero would have probably improved things a lot.

MA: Taylor Kitsch plays Alex Hopper. Kitsch, as you might remember, played John Carter in JOHN CARTER (2012). I didn’t like him in that movie much, and I didn’t really like him here, either. A big part of the problem is Kitsch comes off as so laid back, as if he should be carrying a surfboard on a beach like this. I didn’t really buy him as a Navy officer.

LS: See, this is where I start to disagree with you. I like Kitsch a lot. He’s no Liam Neeson—-.

MA: I’ll say! He’s more like Ashton Kutcher. Ugh!

LS: NO FRIGGIN WAY! Aside from one awful performance in X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009), where he adopted a horrendous Cajun accent to play Remy LeBeau (aka Gambit), in a role he was completely miscast for, I’m actually a big fan of Kitsch. I was a big fan of his long-running TV show, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHT (2006 – 2011), where he played high school football star Tim Riggins. And I still say that JOHN CARTER was one of the best movies of this year so far. I was really bummed out when Disney proclaimed the movie a flop and even fired a few executives who had greenlit it. I think the movie is terrific and I bet it goes on to become a full-fledged cult movie.

In BATTLESHIP, however, I just felt sorry for him. The guy has charisma, and can actually carry a movie, but this is a completely thankless role. I just hope that if TRANSFORMERS—er, I mean, BATTLESHIP—is a flop, Kitsch won’t get part of the blame again, because he does the best he can with a completely horrible script.

MA: I dunno. I didn’t like JOHN CARTER all that much, and I certainly didn’t like BATTLESHIP, so as far as I’m concerned, in recent movies, the guy’s 0 for 2.

LS: What do you know? I really hope he gets a chance to redeem himself in the upcoming Oliver Stone movie, SAVAGES.

MA: Okay, that one looks good, so maybe he’ll win me over yet.

Brooklyn Decker is beautiful as Samantha Shane, and she’s okay for the most part, but again, she’s stuck in a role that we’ve seen countless times before. The rest of the cast is the same. No one is able to lift this movie to a better place.

LS: That’s true. I actually liked a lot of people in this cast, but nobody could have saved this flounder. By the way, Brooklyn Decker was okay, but I wasn’t sure what the fuss was all about. She’s a model-turned-actress, and she’s not horrible here. And she is pretty. But she’s no Megan Fox!

MA: She’s pretty close.

LS: Not really.

MA: Yeah, I thought she was pretty hot.

LS: She’s hot, but she’s no Megan Fox. And I didn’t care all that much for her character. I was much more interested in singer Rihanna as Petty Officer Cora “Weps” Raikes. She was one tough cookie, and she fought right alongside the men. Sure, she her role was a complete cliché, just like every other role here, but the lady has more charisma onscreen than Decker.

MA: Nah! She kinda annoyed me. I thought she was a Michelle Rodriguez wannabe.

LS: Hey, I like Michelle Rodriguez, too!

I also liked Alexander Skarsgard as Alex’s older brother, Stone Hopper. Actually, “liked” is the wrong word, since I don’t think his character amounted to much, either. More like it was cool to see Skarsgard in this movie, even if he was just filling space. Fans of the HBO series TRUE BLOOD will recognize Skarsgard as the vampire Eric Northman. He is one of the best things on TRUE BLOOD, but his movie career hasn’t been too impressive so far. Roles in that awful remake of STRAW DOGS (2011) and this pile of dog crap don’t help. But it’s still good to see him. Someone give this man a decent movie role already!

Fans of Taylor Kitsch’s TV show, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, will also be happy to see Kitsch reunited with another actor from that show, Jesse Plemmons, who played Landry Clarke on FNL. Here he plays “Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy “Ordy” Ord.” Who the hell came up with these names?? Plemmons is good at playing comic relief-type characters, and he does what he can here with, once again, an underwritten character. There sure are a lot of those in this movie!

MA: Director Peter Berg includes lots of CGI battle scenes, but why was I bored throughout? Because I’ve seen scenes like this a hundred times before—take your pick, from WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005) to BATTLE L.A. (2011).

LS: I actually like Peter Berg, too. He started out as an actor on the TV series CHICAGO HOPE (1995 – 1999), and then went on to direct the funny but flawed VERY BAD THINGS (1998). Since then, he’s directed more high-profile movies like FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (2004) —he was also the Executive Producer of the TV series version, see a pattern here? —THE KINGDOM (2007) and HANCOCK (2008). Needless to say, not everything he’s done has been great, but I like him, and I think this movie was a waste of his talents.

But you’re right; BATTLESHIP is an awful lot like BATTLE: LOS ANGELES. There’s nothing new here at all.

MA: Yep, BATTLESHIP offers nothing new.

This one plays like a Roland Emmerich movie, but worse! His stories are actually better! What this movie really reminded me of was the dreadful G.I. JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA (2009) movie, another film based on a toy. That was another movie with tons of action and adventure, with a plot thrown in as an afterthought. Please, stop making movies based on games and toys!! They’re horrible! Unless, of course, you actually have a decent story to tell.

And how about those aliens? We know nothing about them. They’ve come here to invade, obviously. I guess so, anyway. They just land and start shooting at us. But maybe they’re not invading. Maybe they just want us to stop playing our music so loud. Or perhaps they worship chickens on their planet and are horrified at the way we treat the fowls. I don’t know, because the movie doesn’t tell us!! Even the alien ships are disappointing, as they look like TRANSFORMERS.

LS: This isn’t TRANSFORMERS, it’s BATTLESHIP!

MA: I know that. I was making a comparison.

LS: Oh…I don’t know. I didn’t think the aliens in BATTLESHIP were all that amazing, but I didn’t completely hate them, either. With their weird, oversized hands and human-like faces, I thought they were at least interesting to look at.

MA: For about ten seconds, yeah, but as soon as it became apparent that they weren’t actually going to do anything, I lost interest.

LS: But the ships, yeah. These aliens definitely went to their local TRANSFORMERS dealership.

MA: BATTLESHIP is so fake, phony, forced and contrived, it’s painful. It also has a cookie-cutter ending that will amaze you in its simplicity. If we can dispose of bad-ass aliens this easily, no one’s ever going to invade us again!

LS: Yep, I have to agree. The ending is sappy as hell and completely lame.

MA: BATTLESHIP is a horrible movie. Stay away from this one so the powers that be will get the hint that turning board games into movies is a bad idea.

I give it 0 knives.

LS: Wow, you really hated this one. I can’t say I blame you. It’s dumb, the script is awful, there are big chunks that are boring, the CGI seems like a retread of TRANSFORMERS, and the entire concept of a movie based on a board game is kind of insulting to people plunking down ten bucks for a movie ticket.

But I didn’t hate it as much as you did. Mainly, because there were a few people in the cast who I liked, who kept me from nodding off completely. And I still say Taylor Kitsch has a lot of potential to become a big movie star. He’s just had awful luck so far. JOHN CARTER was a great movie that got a bad rap. And BATTLESHIP is just plain bad.

For the cast alone, I’ve got to give this one ~ one and a half knives.

But that’s not to say I like this movie at all, or that I’m recommending that anyone go see it. If you want to see this thing, wait until it comes out on DVD and rent it. Like Michael said, we do not want to encourage Hollywood to keep making bad movies based on board games! Hasbro, go back to the toy store!

You know what really makes me angry? I reviewed the trailer for this movie back in August 2011 in my TRASHING TRAILERS column, and even back then I could see it was a complete dog. I’m angry that I had to actually sit through this movie. I could have reviewed it based on the trailer alone and saved myself ten bucks and over 2 hours of my life!

MA: There you have it, folks. It looks like this BATTLESHIP is dead in the water.

LS: You know my other big problem with this movie? When I saw it, there was a commercial for The Navy beforehand, and I swear, there were times in BATTLESHIP when I couldn’t tell the difference. I thought I was watching the commercial all over again. And I’m sorry, THAT’S NOT ENTERTAINMENT!

MA: You’re right. This movie was a lot like a bad commercial, one that unfortunately lasted 2 hours and 10 minutes! (LS and MA both groan really loud)

(VOICE from off-screen shouts)

VOICE: What did you say it was a commercial for?

LS: The Navy!

(The VILLAGE PEOPLE suddenly reappear on the beach, singing and dancing to a loud disco beat)

MA: Oh my God, not this again!! I’m getting out of here.

LS: Suit yourself. (He gets up and dances along with them)

THE END

Michael Arruda gives BATTLESHIP~ ZERO knives!

LL Soares gives BATTLESHIP ~ ONE AND A HALF knives!

Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS: MAY 2012

Posted in 2012, Aliens, Based on TV Show, Coming Attractions, ROBOTS!, Superheroes, Vampires with tags Battleship, Chernobyl Diaries, cinema knife fight, Coming Attractions, Dark Shadows, May 2012 Movies, The Avengers, The Dictator on May 4, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
MAY 2012
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A gothic mansion shot in grainy black and white. Spooky music is playing.)

WOMAN’S VOICE-OVER NARRATION: My name is Victoria Winters. I used to introduce each episode of DARK SHADOWS with a voice-over just like this one. This month, on May 11, a new version of DARK SHADOWS will be released, and this new version will be a comedy. A comedy? A flippin friggin comedy!!!

(WOMAN shrieks and pulls her hair, kicking and screaming as she runs away. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES enter the scene.)

L.L. SOARES: Boy, was she angry!

MICHAEL ARRUDA: I can’t say that I blame her. I’m pretty miffed that the new DARK SHADOWS movie by Tim Burton will be played for laughs. But hey, if it’s funny and it works, I’ll be sure to change my mind about it. But right now— let’s just say I had been really looking forward to it, until I saw the previews. Now I’m nowhere near as excited about it.

But anyway, welcome to another edition of our COMING ATTRACTIONS column, where we preview the movies we’ll be reviewing in the month ahead.

LS: Welcome to our May 2012 edition.

(MA & LS enter the mansion and find the main room full of superheroes, busily signing autographs for long lines of fans.)

MA: Up first on May 4 is the highly anticipated Marvel Superhero extravaganza THE AVENGERS, featuring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, Chris Evans as Captain America, Mark Ruffalo debuting as the Hulk, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, and Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow.

LS: Don’t forget Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye. Then again, when I first saw him, I didn’t even know it was Hawkeye, without his distinctive mask. The guy has a simple costume, what’s up with the bare face?

MA: Like legions of Marvel comics fans, I’m looking forward to this one big time, but would it be unfair of me to say my expectations have dropped somewhat?

HULK: Very unfair! Hulk Smash!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Not to mention, unpatriotic!

LS: Hey, enough of that! No politics allowed within these pages!

MA: Amen to that!

LS: No religion either!

MA: Well, that’s not to say we frown upon politics or religion. We just don’t want to talk about them here. Only movie talk allowed.

So, getting back to the point I was about to make about the Marvel movies, the last couple of Marvel movies, CAPTAIN AMERICA and THOR, were good, but they weren’t great. I wonder if the Marvel movie formula is growing old and tired?

TONY STARK: Old and tired? I’ve never looked better! (A group of women coo, “Oh, Tony!”)

MA: Show off!

LS: Don’t worry about it. We have our own set of adoring fans. (Behind them a long line of cheering zombies, undead, werewolves, vampires, and other assorted monsters and misfits.)

MA: That’s true.

Anyway, perhaps THE AVENGERS will be just the ticket the series needs to get back on its feet again? We’ll find out on May 4.

The impressive cast also includes Stellan Skarsgard, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. Also listed in the cast is Harry Dean Stanton, and for some reason, I could have sworn he had died. I guess I was wrong.

LS: That’s awful! Stanton is one of my favorite actors!

MA: Same here, so I’m actually relieved that he’s still with us.

THE AVENGERS was written and directed by Josh Whedon, who wrote the screenplay for THE CABIN IN THE WOODS. Can he have back to back hits? Let’s see.

LS: Whedon didn’t just write this one, though. He directed THE AVENGERS, too.

I am on the fence about this one. I grew up reading the comics and I guess I should be excited that The Avengers are finally coming to the big screen (and look, they beat DC’s Justice League there!). But you’re right about that formula. Marvel superhero movies have become so standardized, so boilerplate, that you just know there aren’t going to be any real surprises.

I’m sure I’ll find something about it to like. But, if the trailers are any indication, I won’t be in geek heaven as I watch it.

The wild card here is Whedon. The guy has talent. I just hope he’s able to pump some fresh blood into this movie.

On May 11, we’ll be reviewing Tim Burton’s DARK SHADOWS.

(MA & LS enter another room where the Collins clan is sitting down for dinner.)

Another movie I was excited about when I first heard about it. But then I saw the trailer, and found myself wincing all the way through it.

MA: Like I said, I had been really excited about this one too, until I saw the trailers, and saw that it was a comedy. I’ll reserve final judgment until after I see the movie, but as it stands right now, I’m not thrilled about it.

I used to be a big fan of Tim Burton, but nowadays I’d say it’s hit or miss with him. I didn’t like SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (2007)

LS: I didn’t mind SWEENEY TODD. It was fun for what it was.

MA: …and I had no interest in seeing ALICE IN WONERLAND (2010) or CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005). The last Tim Burton movie I liked was SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999), and the last one I REALLY liked was ED WOOD (1994).

LS: I liked SLEEPY HOLLOW a lot, and ED WOOD even more.

MA: I have to admit, though, DARK SHADOWS does have an impressive cast, topped by Johnny Depp, but there’s also Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green [who I really liked in the Daniel Craig James Bond flick CASINO ROYALE (2006)], Chloe Grace Moretz…

LS: Hit Girl!

MA:….Helena Bonham Carter, and Jackie Earle Haley as Willie Loomis. It also features some original cast members in cameos, including the original Barnabas Collins Jonathan Frid, and even Christopher Lee gets in on the fun! It’s a cast that’s hard to beat.

I’m still dreading it though.

LS: Me, too. This is such great material, with so much potential as a straight horror film. It doesn’t need the campy humor and stale jokes. Both DARK SHADOWS and Johnny Depp deserve better. What was Tim Burton thinking?

On May 16, I’ll be reviewing THE DICTATOR. This is the new movie by Sacha Baron Cohen who previously gave us the ALI G TV show, and the movies BORAT and BRUNO, both of which were also directed by Larry Charles (who directed THE DICTATOR, too). Cohen’s trademark has been playing these characters as real, and interacting with real people who reacted to his hijinks. THE DICTATOR is a departure from that. This time, there’s no hidden camera tomfoolery. Cohen plays a fictional dictator of a fictional Middle Eastern country who comes to America. When he comes to visit America, he ends up having his trademark beard shaved off and can’t convince anyone who he really is. And, from the trailer, we see that hilarity ensues…..

God, I hate that phrase!

I like Cohen, and while I’ve seen the trailers for this movie way too many times and expect a lot of the jokes to no longer be funny, I’m still looking forward to this one. I hope it has lots of laughs I don’t know about yet.

MA: On May 18, we’ll be reviewing BATTLESHIP, starring Liam Neeson, and I guess this one is based on the popular game, but I’d say it’s loosely based on it. I mean, it’s a cool game and all, but I don’t remember the game ever having anything to do with aliens, which this movie is about, battleships fighting aliens.

(Booming explosions occur outside a window. MA looks out window to see a battleship firing on an alien spaceship.)

MA: I had no idea this place was on beachfront property.

(LS looks out window.)

LS: Me neither. Hey, look at all those hot chicks in bikinis playing volleyball. (MA returns to the window just as there’s another loud explosion.) Oops! Never mind.

MA (shrugs) To me, BATTLESHIP looks pretty silly. It looks like it’s going to be on the level of the TRANSFORMERS movies, which I’m not crazy about. I can only hope it’ll be better, but I won’t be holding my breath.

LS: Yeah, I actually reviewed the trailer for this one way back in the only installment of my column TRASHING TRAILERS, a concept I keep meaning to do more of. Back then, I said that the trailer looked pretty abysmal. That hasn’t changed. This one stars Liam Neeson as a Navy admiral, Taylor Kitsch (from JOHN CARTER) and Alexander Skarsgard from TRUE BLOOD. Hell it even has the singer Rihanna in it. Sounds like a wasted cast to me. I hope it’s better than it looks, but I still can’t understand how the board game turned into an alien invasion movie. Doesn’t’ the game take place during World War II or something?

And we’ll finish off the month with a review of the very cool looking CHERNOBYL DIARIES on May 25. This is the new movie by Oren Peli, who wrote the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies, and he co-created the recent ABC series THE RIVER (which I don’t think will be renewed for some reason). I like Peli’s work so far, and this one looks interesting.

A bunch of young American tourists in Russia visit the site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. They think the town is abandoned, but someone seems to be watching them. Someone who might be dangerous.

It doesn’t look like this one is filmed in the fake documentary style that Peli usually uses for his film and TV projects. That might be refreshing. This movie has potential, and I hope it lives up to it.

MA: Yeah, this one looks pretty good, and it’s horror, which seems to be a rarity among mainstream movies here in 2012. Like you said, one of the writers who worked on the screenplay is Oren Peli, the guy who wrote all three PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and directed the first one, so this is a good thing. But unfortunately, he didn’t direct this one. Bradley Parker did. And this is his directorial debut.

Also a good thing is I don’t know a whole lot about it, other than what I saw in the trailer, and so I’m hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

Okay, that wraps up our column and another month here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.

LS: We’ll see you on May 4 with our review of THE AVENGERS.

(MA & LS return to the main hall full of superheroes. Thor is showing off his muscles to his fans, while Tony Stark has his arms around two beautiful babes.)

MA: Maybe we should have gone into the superhero business.

LS: Nah! I’ll take our fans any day of the week! (puts his arms around two undead rotting corpse girls with parts missing)

(Cute vampire girl snuggles up to MA.)

VAMPIRE GIRL: Want a hickey?

MA: Now, you’re talking!

—END—

TRASHING TRAILERS!

Posted in 2011, LL Soares Reviews, Movie Trailers, Trashing Trailers with tags Apes, Battleship, Movie Trailers, Spider-Man on August 3, 2011 by knifefighter

TRASHING TRAILERS # 1
By L.L. Soares

In most cases, the movie trailer is the number one marketing tool to get you to go see a movie. There was a time when trailers were pretty simple—just show you some good scenes, get you interested, and draw you in. But now, it’s a lot more complicated than that, as trailers give away more and more for free. For example, we’ve all seen trailers (especially for comedies) where all of the best scenes are stitched together for the trailer, and then you go see the movie and it’s a complete letdown, because you’ve already seen the funniest stuff 20 times already and it’s not funny anymore. The studios think this is great because they tricked you into paying for a movie ticket. This can happen for horror movies, too—for example, when the trailer for QUARANTINE (2008) came out, and gave away the ending of the movie!

Then there’s that other annoying trend where a trailer shows you THE ENTIRE STORY of a given movie. This happened for me with movies like LEGION (2009) and PRIEST (2011) -which, coincidentally, both starred Paul Bettany. Not only do you know every important plot twist in the story, but, after seeing the trailers several times, you feel like you’ve already seen the movie and have no desire to see the “longer” version.

It’s sad, because there was a time when movie trailers were an art form and left you wanting more.

As someone who goes to the movie theater almost every single week, I see a lot of movie trailers. And I see a lot of the same ones multiple times (which can be torturous, if you hate certain trailers), I thought it might be interesting to write a column where we take a look at a few upcoming trailers and what we have to look forward to (or dread) in the future.

Here’s a few that stood out recently:

BATTLESHIP

Liam Neeson is a Navy admiral. Taylor Kitsch (from the FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS TV series) is a rebellious recruit going to officer school, and he’s dating Neeson’s daughter. Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman from the HBO series TRUE BLOOD) is another officer. During maneuvers, they come across something that looks like the ruins of a ship floating in the ocean. Some guys go to check it out. Someone touches it and is blown out to sea by some kind of energy. The sinking ship turns out to be some kind of giant Transformer wannabe— a hissing giant robot. The Navy ships blast it, with disasterous results.

A lot of people have been complaining about this one, because they played the game BATTLESHIP as a kid, and don’t remember any alien giant robots in it. In fact, as far as I can remember, the game takes place during World War II. I’m sure whoever came up with this concept thought it was brilliant, and I’m sure whoever he/she pitched it to thought it was, too. But just about everyone who has seen this trailer thinks it looks stupid. And I have to agree.

Having gone out of my way to avoid the TRANSFORMERS movies, I have no desire to see a lame rip-off of that series. I’m not a big fan of movies where cars and ships and vehicles transform into giant robots. That said, I’ll probably have to review this one when it comes out.

Based on the trailer, I’d give BATTLESHIP an “F” if I had to grade it, even though Neesom is okay, and I like Kitch (although he was HORRIBLE as Gambit in X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE), and I really like Skarsgard. It’s nice to see Kitch and Skaarsgard trying to break into movies. I just wish it wasn’t this one.

Will I be completely surprised by the actual movie? I doubt it. But there’s a first time for everything.

See the trailer for yourself here.

****

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (aka SPIDER-MAN 4)

This time around, Peter Parker isn’t a science nerd. He’s played by Andrew Garfield (THE SOCIAL NETWORK), as some kind of cool loner kid who wears a hoodie in class. In this version, his girlfriend is blonde Gwen Stacy (which makes sense, since in the comics, he went out with her for years before she died and then he got involved with Mary Jane), played by Emma Stone (EASY A). This new trailer (which I saw before COWBOYS & ALIENS) does not reveal who the bad guy is going to be (I’m not sure how many villains are in this one, but I know one of them is The Lizard), but we do see Peter get bitten by the radioactive spider yet again. And, at the end of the trailer, we see a bunch of stuff from Spidey’s point of view as he’s climbing walls and swinging over buildings, and I can’t tell if it’s cool or way too much like a first-person video game.

Based on this trailer, this one could go either way. I have no idea why we need to see Spider-Man’s origin story again— everybody already knows who he is, and how he got his powers. The movie also seems to disregard the three Sam Raimi films that came before it (which is just dumb). I don’t mind a darker take on the character, and anything would be an improvement over SPIDER-MAN 3 (Raimi quit at the perfect time). Andrew Garfield looks way too cool as Peter Parker (at first, I had a hard time accepting Tobey McGuire in the role, but he was a good enough actor to grow on me. Who knows if this kid is.). I am dreading having to sit through the same story I already saw in the first SPIDER-MAN (2002) movie, which is my biggest problem with the trailer, and so I’d give the trailer a C-.

Let’s hope the movie is a LOT better than what we’ve seen so far.

I couldn’t find this new theatrical trailer for THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN on Youtube yet.

****

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

James Franco is a scientist who discovers a cure for Alzheimer’s disease that can regrow brain cells. He uses it on a chimp who becomes increasingly intelligent, perhaps even surpassing his human counterparts. At one point, they close down the experiment and put the chimp in a zoo, where he feels completely alienated from his wild(er) relatives. The chimp escapes, uses the drug (in gas form) to transform more apes and monkeys. They all get intelligent and decide to take over, using tools like axes and clubs (why no guns?). Apes jump down from trees to attack cars on a bridge. This is how it all begins.

Based on the trailer, this is the origin story of how we got to THE PLANET OF THE APES (there was a variation of this origin in the third original APES movie, 1972′s CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES). It’s also somewhat of a reboot, because, as far as I can tell, it has nothing to do with Tim Burton’s HORRIBLE remake of the original movie (thank God!) That alone gives it positive points. James Franco is also a plus. The intelligent chimp looks really odd (obviously there’s a lot of CGI at work here, rather than the make-up effects of the original movies), and sometimes it looks cool and sometimes it looks incredibly fake. The same thing goes for the other intelligent apes at the end of the trailer.

I give this trailer a B. It could go either way. Either it will be a complete surprise and charm the hell out of me, or it will be awful (although I can’t imagine ANYTHING being as awful as Burton’s take on this subject). I’m hoping for the the former. This one will be interesting, because it comes out this weekend, and I’ll be able to compare the trailer and the movie right away.

A friend of mine who saw the trailer said something to me like, with all the technology we have today, why wouldn’t we just use high-tech weapons and wipe the apes out in five minutes. Seriously, I don’t have an answer to that one. Yet. Hopefully the actual movie addresses this.

See the RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES trailer for yourself, here.

That’s it for this installment. As more trailers gnaw at my brain tissue, I’ll shine the spotlight on them.

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Archive for Battleship

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TRASHING TRAILERS!

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