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Quick Cuts Plays “WHAT’S MORE LIKELY?”

Posted in Comic Book Movies, Vampires, Zombies, Quick Cuts, DC Comics, Based on Comic Book, Twilight, 2013, Sam Raimi with tags , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2013 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS: WHAT’S MORE LIKELY?
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Nick Cato, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon, and Jenny Orosel

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome to another edition of QUICK CUTS.  Tonight we’ll be playing a little game.

IRON MAN 3 opened in theaters last Friday, May 3rd.  The Marvel superhero movies have enjoyed a nice run going back to X-MEN (2000) and Sam Raimi’s first Spider-Man movie, SPIDER-MAN (2002).  Here we are in 2013 and they’re still going strong.

So, tonight we’re going to play a little game called “What’s More Likely?”

Our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters includes, in addition to L.L. Soares and myself, Nick Cato, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon, and Jenny Orosel.  Thank you all for coming.

So, tonight’s game, “What’s More Likely?” works like this.  Looking ahead to the next ten years and answer the following questions. 

First question:  What’s more likely? That there will be more Marvel movies in the next ten years, or more zombie movies?

 Spider-Man-2-Movie

NICK CATO:  I think there will always be both, but superhero films seem to be more lucrative.

ARRUDA:  So, more Marvel movies then?

CATO:  Yes.

JENNY OROSEL:  Seeing as they’re now owned by Disney, we’re going to see more Marvel movies than ever.  I fully expect they’ll do two direct-to-video sequels or prequels for every one they have in the theater.

ARRUDA:  I hope not.  There’s nothing like a direct-to-video release to kill off a movie series.  Ugh!

dawn_of_the_dead(2004) L.L. SOARES:  Oh, what do you know!

Turning to the zombie genre for a moment, hopefully, oversaturation will result in a dwindling of zombie movies.

Marvel, however, has a nice variety of characters they can draw from (including many who have never been in a movie before), and should go strong for many years.

ARRUDA:  I agree.

PAUL MCMAHON:  With the success of THE AVENGERS (2012), there will definitely be more Marvel movies. I won’t be sure about zombie movies until we see how much money WORLD WAR Z (2013) makes. With all the buzz about production problems, it could either bring about a reanimation of the zombie sub-genre or put a bullet through its head.

SOARES:  I’m sick of zombies.  I wouldn’t mind putting a bullet through the head of the genre.

DANIEL KEOHANE: I’m going with Marvel movies, without a doubt.

Zombie movies are popular right now, but the superhero movies have a much wider reach and end up making more money, overall. And there are so many characters and teams to choose from, whereas zombies pretty much lumber along the same way each time.

ARRUDA:  I’m going with Marvel movies as well.

Okay, on to our second question: 

What’s more likely? That we’ll still be seeing Marvel movies in ten years, or that we’ll still be seeing movies based on books by Stephenie Meyer?

the-avengers-1235-wallmages

Dan, why don’t you start us off this time?

KEOHANE:  Marvel movies.

(The panel cheers.)

KEOHANE:  Thank you, thank you.

SOARES:  We’re not cheering you.  We’re cheering your pick.

KEOHANE:  Don’t ruin my moment.

Where was I?  Marvel movies.  Because as good a writer for her age group as Stephenie Meyer is, she can only crank out so much content.  Marvel not only has a slew of new comics coming out every month, they have half a century of classic stories already in the can ready to become movie-ized. Even the Avengers movie was loosely based on one of the first Avengers comics (I think). Not to mention DC’s Superman movies. They’ll keep making the same origin story over and over ad infinitum.

Twilight_poster_4

SOARES:  What are you bringing up DC comics for?  This question is about Marvel movies!  Pay attention, Dan!

ARRUDA:  But he makes a good point.  Not only does Marvel have more stories to choose from, but they can remake their own origin stories. Heck, they just did it with their latest SPIDER-MAN movie.

Let’s move on.  I don’t want to give Meyer any ideas.  The last thing I want is a TWILIGHT remake!

SOARES:  I predict that Stephenie Meyer will find a way to continue the Twilight series.

ARRUDA:  No!

SOARES:  You just don’t put a cash cow like that out to pasture.

However, the future for Meyer-related projects is iffy – especially if something new grabs the public’s interest. Meanwhile, I think Marvel movies will be going strong in 10 years.

CATO:  Ten years from now?  Hopefully Meyer will be retired by then.

ARRUDA:  I’m with you.  I hope she’s retired.  I’ll be happy if I never have to see another movie based on a Stephenie Meyer book ever again.

KEOHANE:  I think Meyer is a very talented writer, and you’re not giving her enough credit.

ARRUDA:  Maybe so, but the TWILIGHT movies were awful, and they killed any interest I might have had in seeing THE HOST (2013).

SOARES:  I think you secretly like the TWILIGHT movies.  You talk about them so much.

ARRUDA:  Yeah, right!

MCMAHON:  Marvel movies, no question. They have new ideas and maybe some new-to-the-screen heroes as well.

And sorry, Michael, but it’s entirely possible, though, that in ten years they’ll be remaking the TWILIGHT movies. We can hope not.

ARRUDA:  That’s a horrible thought, though I agree with you.  In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it’s bound to happen.  If film history has taught us anything, it’s that remakes are always with us.

What about you, Jenny?  In ten years, Marvel movies or Stephenie Meyer movies?

OROSEL:  Ooh, that’s a tough one, since I fully expect Disney to eventually buy Stephenie Meyer, and turn Bella into a Disney Princess. 

ARRUDA:  This panel is getting more painful by the minute.

OROSEL:  I call it a tie.

ARRUDA:  Okay, it’s time for the third and final question of the night.

What’s more likely? Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark/Iron Man again, or Christian Bale plays Batman again?

Robert Downey Jr. in IRON MAN 3, and still going strong.

Robert Downey Jr. in IRON MAN 3, and still going strong.

MCMAHON:  Downey is already going to play Tony Stark in THE AVENGERS 2. There will probably be an IRON MAN 4. I can’t see him ditching that cash cow while the iron is hot. Ahem.

(Someone in the audience groans.)

MCMAHON:  I don’t think Christopher Nolan intends to do another Batman movie, and I can’t see Christian Bale playing that character under another director

ARRUDA:  Good point.  And I agree with you.

I say Robert Downey Jr. plays Iron Man again.  Between THE AVENGERS movies and the IRON MAN series, you’d think that he’d at least be back one more time as Iron Man if not more.

From what I’ve read, Bale is done as Batman.  You never know about these things, but I don’t expect him to play Batman again.

 

Christian Bale is Batman in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

Christian Bale is Batman in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

OROSEL:  It’s going to be hard for Bale to keep it going as Batman as he ages, while even if Downey looks ragged and worn, it fits the Stark character.  Unless he ends up in rehab again.  Then all bets are off.

KEOHANE:  Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man without a doubt. This is just a guess–.

SOARES:  Really, Dan, it’s a guess?  You mean you don’t know? 

KEOHANE:  Sorry.  I left my crystal ball at home.

So, this is just a guess, but Downey seems to be enjoying himself immensely up there on the screen, whereas Christian Bale puts so much angst into his characters, his doctors will probably have him committed if he even thinks about doing another one of those.

CATO:  It may be too early to tell, but hopefully Downey will continue to play Stark…he’s perfect in the role, whereas we have yet to find a Batman everyone seems to agree on.

SOARES:  That’s for sure.  It’s all about the mask anyway.  Anyone can play Batman.

Both Downey and Bale probably want to focus on more artistic movies. That said, I think Batman is replaceable, as we’ve seen several people play him over the years, while Downey remains the definitive Tony Stark. I think it’s more likely Downey will be convinced to play Stark again.

ARRUDA:  Okay, there you have it.  It seems the general consensus is that Marvel movies will be around for a while.

That’s all the time we have for tonight.  Thanks for joining us everybody, and we’ll see you next time on QUICK CUTS.

—END—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Nick Cato, Daniel G. Keohane, Paul McMahon and Jenny Orosel

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Friday Night Knife Fights Presents: SHAUN OF THE DEAD vs. ZOMBIELAND – Part 3 (of 3)

Posted in Zombie Movies, Horror-Comedies, Zombies, Friday Night Knife Fights, 2013 with tags , , on April 26, 2013 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:  SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) vs. ZOMBIELAND (2009)
PART 3 (of 3)
With Michael Arruda, L. L. Soares, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon, Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel, and Colleen Wanglund

2013-03-13-shaun_of_the_dead_ver2

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome back to Friday Night Knife Fights.  Tonight it’s Part 3 of our battle of the zombie comedies, SHAUN OF THE DEAD vs. ZOMBIELAND.

So far, SHAUN OF THE DEAD has opened up a very wide lead, as it’s ahead of ZOMBIELAND by a score of 4 rounds to 1.

PAUL MCMAHON:  As it should be.  SHAUN OF THE DEAD is a much better movie than ZOMBIELAND.

ARRUDA:  Says you.  But that’s what we’re here to decide.

Once again, L.L. Soares and I are joined by Dan Keohane, ZOMBIELAND hater Paul McMahon, Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel, and Colleen Wanglund.  Thank you all for joining us tonight.  We’ve got a great panel, and tonight’s the night that we conclude the debate.  Even though SHAUN OF THE DEAD has a comfortable lead, there’s still time for ZOMBIELAND to make a comeback.

Okay, it’s on to Round 6.  

Which movie has the better screenplay?  Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick for ZOMBIELAND, or Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright for SHAUN OF THE DEAD?

SHERI SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL: ZOMBIELAND has a better screenplay, I would say.

The plot is less predictable than that of SHAUN OF THE DEAD. As I mentioned, I like SHAUN, but ZOMBIELAND is written better and executed more effectively.

The ending of SHAUN seemed a little odd. Life kind of goes back to normal. It doesn’t really ring true. At the end of ZOMBIELAND, the characters are changed, but there’s no illusion that things go back to “normal.”

MCMAHON:  This is so obviously SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

If you take the zombies away, Shaun was the story of a man whose life was crumbling under his own complacency. He embarked on a journey to win back his girl, distance himself from his mooch of a best friend, make amends with his mom and stepdad and generally “sort his life out.” The zombies made the film awesome, but they weren’t the main focus.

ARRUDA:  Come on!  Do you really think without zombies SHAUN OF THE DEAD would stand as having a decent story?  I don’t think so.  Take away the zombies and you’re left with a bunch of losers fighting over pub food.

MCMAHON:  It’s a better story than ZOMBIELAND.

In ZOMBIELAND, you had one putz following the standard zombie movie plot by searching for his family, you had two brainless putzettes who believed zombies wouldn’t enter amusement parks, and then you had the biggest putz of all on a nationwide hunt for Twinkies snack cakes. Take the zombies out and you’ve got squat.

ARRUDA:  I wouldn’t want to take the zombies out of either movie, actually.  But I think the characters in ZOMBIELAND are just as satisfying as the characters in SHAUN, perhaps more so since they’re so over the top.

MCMAHON:  Nah.  SHAUN OF THE DEAD by a landslide.

ARRUDA:  Well, I think both screenplays work.  Both are hilariously funny, and both manage to be excellent zombie movies to boot. 

How to choose?  While this one may seem too close to call at first, after thinking about it— now don’t fall out of your chair, Paul— but I give the edge to Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright for SHAUN OF THE DEAD.  Their screenplay works from beginning to end. 

MCMAHON:  I told you.

ARRUDA:  While I enjoy Reese and Wernick’s ZOMBIELAND screenplay, their story runs out of steam somewhat as the movie approaches its final act at the amusement park.  And the Bill Murray scenes, while funny the first time, didn’t hold up as well upon further viewing.

L.L. SOARES:  I think both scripts are good. But I think SHAUN is a little smarter.

ARRUDA:  SHAUN OF THE DEAD wins Round 6.  Our updated score is SHAUN 5, ZOMBIELAND 1.

It’s time now for the seventh and final round.

And since ZOMBIELAND is so far behind, the only way now that it could win this contest would be by a knockout.  A knockout occurs when one movie sweeps the round, meaning all the panel members vote for the same movie.  Something tells me, though (looks at Paul McMahon) that that’s not going to happen today.

Bienvenidos_a_Zombieland-565000159-large-e1339351714563

Anyway, on to Round 7.  Which one is the better movie?

COLLEEN WANGLUND:  They may both be horror comedies, but the movies are very different from one another. 

I did like ZOMBIELAND, overall, enjoying immensely the title sequence using Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls.”

I thoroughly enjoyed both movies and would watch either one again.  The acting and directing were superb in both.  I will give SHAUN OF THE DEAD a slight edge here, however because the characters just feel more real to me.  I do appreciate the fact that it doesn’t go full-on apocalypse, so it’s a bit different than most zombie films. 

So my pick for which one of the two is the better film goes to SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

DAN KEOHANE:  SHAUN OF THE DEAD is a quieter, more subtle film that builds the laugh, and tension, as it goes along, and breaks as many of the zombie “rules” as it celebrates. It’s a British film, so the humor and social references are, well, British. If you’ve never been able to get into their sense of humor, you’d probably say ZOMBIELAND was better, especially as an American film – jumps right into the action, with in your face jokes and humor (and American cultural references – “Twinkies” versus “crisps” for example).

I love British humor as much as American. So my pick would probably depend on my mood at the time.  Yes, this is a long-winded, borderline pompous way of saying, “Neither, they’re just as funny in their own way.”

My final pick:  I call it a draw.  It’s a tie.

SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL:  I think ZOMBIELAND is an overall better film. The plot works better for me.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD suffers, I think, because the first half of the film is largely expositional. Sure, in ZOMBIELAND, we have “the Rules,” which are expositional, but it’s done in such a funny way that we hardly notice.

SOARES: Yeah, “the Rules” were clever.

SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL: In ZOMBIELAND, we don’t know much about the characters, and we learn about them as they learn about each other. The problem with SHAUN OF THE DEAD is that by the end we can kind of figure out what’s going to happen because it’s all been set up for us.

My choice for the better film is ZOMBIELAND.

ARRUDA:  This one is a very difficult question to answer.  I tend to prefer ZOMBIELAND because I prefer its in-your-face zombie style to the more reserved British humor of SHAUN OF THE DEAD, but does that make it a better movie?

I’m not sure.

I think the acting in both movies is equally as good, although I prefer the cast in ZOMBIELAND, so I give a slight acting edge to ZOMBIELAND.  Both directors do phenomenal jobs, but I think Ruben Fleischer is a bit more creative with his style, so again I give the edge to ZOMBIELAND.  I give a slight writing edge to SHAUN, but again the scripts are both terrific.

Based on this model, ZOMBIELAND wins two of the three rounds, so heck, I’m going with ZOMBIELAND.  I choose ZOMBIELAND as the better movie.

MCMAHON (to Michael and Sheri):  Poor misguided souls, the both of you.

Do I have to say this yet again?

SHAUN OF THE DEAD. I’ve seen it twelve times at least.

ARRUDA:  I’m so very happy for you.  What do you want? A medal?

SOARES:  Hey, don’t be rude to our guests!  That’s my department! 

MCMAHON:  In all the time since I watched ZOMBIELAND, I have not once wanted to go back and see it again. The only reason I did was to refresh my memory of it for these answers. I’m still underwhelmed. Without George A. Romero, SHAUN OF THE DEAD wouldn’t exist. Without SHAUN OF THE DEAD, ZOMBIELAND wouldn’t exist. Winner: SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

Can you tell I hated ZOMBIELAND?

SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL:  I’m beginning to see that, yes.

WANGLUND:  You’ve made it loud and clear.

KEOHANE:  And yet there’s still a modicum of obscurity, a morsel of doubt.  I’m not sure.

MCMAHON:  Very funny.

SOARES:  So it’s my turn, huh? What’s the best movie? Well, that’s very subjective, isn’t it? I would say, from a quality standpoint, SHAUN OF THE DEAD has the edge. But as to “What movie did I enjoy more?” Which movie do I personally like better, that’s more neck and neck.

I guess a good yardstick is which one would you watch again, and my answer this time around is neither. I like both of these movies, but I don’t love them. If I was channel surfing and found one of them, I might watch it, but I wouldn’t consciously sit down and watch one of them from start to finish again. I’m just not that big a fan of most zombie movies.

If I was going to rewatch any zombie flick, it would be either one of Romero’s classics or an especially good episode of THE WALKING DEAD. That’s about it.

So that means I’m the tie-breaker here. Colleen and Paul went with SHAUN. While Michael and Sheri went with ZOMBIELAND. And while I am sort on the fence, I refuse to take the easy way out like Keohane did and call it a tie.

I would say that, as far as pure enjoyment, and both of these films are meant to be entertaining above all else, I would have to go with ZOMBIELAND.

ARRUDA: Oh my God, I think it’s an upset! That means three votes ZOMBIELAND,  two votes SHAUN OF THE DEAD and one tie for Round 7 – which is the Knockout Round.

MCMAHON (to SOARES): I don’t believe you just did that, you bastard.

SOARES: Blame Keohane. He couldn’t make up his mind.

****

ARRUDA (reads the rule book): Errr.. not so fast. I just read the rules. The final knock-out round has to be unanimous. So ZOMBIELAND didn’t win after all.

SOARES: Dammit! I thought it was just whatever won the final round wins by TKO. That’s a stupid rule! If one movie is ahead all the way through, the chances of everyone unanimously agreeing to the other movie in the final round is pretty much impossible.

(Takes rule book from ARRUDA and rips out that page)

ARRUDA: Actually, you’re right, that probably is never going to happen. I guess it is a stupid rule. But, we can’t just change the rules at the last minute.

So here’s the solution. From this point on, the Knockout Round does not have to be unanimous. If a movie is ahead, but the other one wins the final round, then it wins by TKO, unanimous or not. That will make things more interesting.

But for this contest, we really should stick with the original rules.

MCMAHON (jumping up and down): So that means….SHAUN OF THE DEAD WINS!

ARRUDA: It sure looks that way.

MCMAHON: Yay! Now I don’t have to hang myself.

ARRUDA: Which movie is the zombie comedy champion of the world?  Well, tonight, it’s SHAUN OF THE DEAD!

On behalf of L.L. Soares, Dan Keohane, Paul McMahon, Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel, Colleen Wanglund, I’m Michael Arruda saying so long and thanks for joining us on Friday Night Knife Fights.  We’ll see you again next time.

(In the background, PAUL MCMAHON is chasing L.L. SOARES around with an axe)

MCMAHON: How dare you scare the bejeesus out of me like that!

ARRUDA: Good night everybody!

-END-

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel G. Keohane, Paul McMahon, Sheri-Sebastian-Gabriel and Colleen Wanglund

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Friday Night Knife Fights: SHAUN OF THE DEAD vs. ZOMBIELAND – PART 1 (of 3)

Posted in Zombies, Friday Night Knife Fights, 2013 with tags , , , , , on April 12, 2013 by knifefighter

FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS:  SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) vs. ZOMBIELAND (2009).  – PART 1
With Michael Arruda, L. L. Soares, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon, Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel, and Colleen Wanglund

zombieland

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome to another edition of FRIDAY NIGHT KNIFE FIGHTS.

We have a great panel for you tonight, and the debate is:  SHAUN OF THE DEAD vs. ZOMBIELAND.

Will this shape up to be a contest between British humor (SHAUN) and American humor (ZOMBIELAND)?  A battle between fast and slow zombies?  In your face laughter vs. subtle snickers?  Let’s find out.

Joining L.L. Soares and I on our panel tonight are fellow Cinema Knife Fighters Dan Keohane, Paul McMahon, Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel, and Colleen Wanglund.  Thank you all for taking part in today’s panel.  Let’s get started.

L.L. SOARES: It’s your yacking that’s holding us up.  Let’s go!

ARRUDA:  Hey, I’m trying to do an intro. here!

Tonight’s contest consists of seven rounds of questions.  Whichever movie wins the most rounds wins the match, and by our special “knock-out” rule, if one movie wins the final round by a unanimous vote, that movie scores a knockout and wins the match regardless of the previous score.

Okay, let’s get this mêlée started.

The first question tonight is which movie is flat out funnier?  Which film did a better job making you laugh, where you laughed so hard you split a gut?

Colleen, we’ll start with you.  Which movie do you find funnier, SHAUN OF THE DEAD or ZOMBIELAND?

COLLEEN WANGLUND:  ZOMBIELAND (2009) and SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) are both very funny films.

SOARES:  Did you bust a gut watching them?

WANGLUND:  No.  I can’t say that I did.  But they’re both very funny, both fun to watch.

ARRUDA:  So you think both are equally as funny?

WANGLUND:  Yes.

SOARES:  You’re not supposed to pick both.  You’re supposed to pick one, but I’ll blame Michael for this, since once again, he’s picked two movies that are simply too close to call.  This is going to be tough.

ARRUDA:  It wouldn’t be fun if it were easy.

PAUL MCMAHON:  It’s not tough for me.  I hated ZOMBIELAND.

ARRUDA:  You hated ZOMBIELAND?

SOARES:  How can you hate ZOMBIELAND?  That’s un-American!

MCMAHON:   I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but I still hated ZOMBIELAND, in the way you hate a comedian who constantly repeats old material.

DAN KEOHANE:  Oh, I didn’t hate ZOMBIELAND.

MCMAHON:  I know, I know.  I’m probably the only guy in the world who he hated it.

ARRUDA:  I’m sure there are a few others.

KEOHANE:  I agree with Colleen.  They’re both funny, but in different ways.

When I first watched SHAUN OF THE DEAD I was laughing out loud—.

SOARES:  Did you split a gut laughing?

KEOHANE (counts on his fingers):  Three. Plus a few blood vessels.

But this side-splitting laughter didn’t happen until the latter half of the movie. It’s the kind of movie that creeps up on you, first making you realize things are off, then making you smile, then when you’re on board with the plot and overall feel of the film, you’re busting a gut. Or in my case, guts.

ARRUDA: Who knew laughter could be so brutal?

KEOHANE:  However, as soon as ZOMBIELAND began I was laughing, and really never stopped. Granted, slapstick – and there’s a lot more slapstick in the traditional sense (relentless physical comedy) in ZOMBIELAND – garners more laughs on average I think.

Based on the number of laughs it gets, I’d go with ZOMBIELAND as the funnier movie.

SHERI SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL:  I agree with Dan.

SOARES:  There’s too much agreeing on this panel!

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MCMAHON:  I’ll change that as soon as I throw in my two cents.

SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL:  I like both ZOMBIELAND and SHAUN OF THE DEAD, but there are more laugh-out-loud moments in ZOMBIELAND.

ARRUDA:  My turn.  I’m actually going to disagree with Dan and Sheri.

SOARES:  Finally!

ARRUDA:  I’m picking SHAUN OF THE DEAD as the funnier film.  I think the jokes work better, and there’s something outlandish about British humor that just makes this one click.

While ZOMBIELAND does have some creative bits, the bulk of its humor is based on scenes of visceral zombie kills and the like.  As Dan said, slapstick, and I love slapstick, but in ZOMBIELAND’s case, there’s really not enough of it.

Re-watching both these movies for purposes of this column, I found ZOMBIELAND less funny than I remember it being.

The laughs in SHAUN OF THE DEAD were the result of creative comic writing, while ZOMBIELAND relied on in-your-face sight gags that didn’t hold up as well on a second viewing.  I found the comic style of SHAUN OF THE DEAD held up better.

Okay.  So, Paul, you have more to say on this question?  You’ve been drooling for a while now.  Here’s your chance to answer.

SOARES:  Here, have a napkin.

MCMAHON:  I prefer to use the back of my hand.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD‘s humor came from the characters as they made efforts to better themselves. These were people who cared about real things and acted out of their own responsibilities toward their relationships with each other.

ZOMBIELAND was full of brainless asshats trying to find Twinkies and get laid. And don’t ‘But Bill Murray’ me. First off, I’ve never understood the pop-culture deification of the guy. I can’t see that he’s any funnier than any other comic actor of his time.

SOARES: Hey, I love Bill Murray!

MCMAHON:  They sent the guy, dressed like a zombie and acting like a zombie, to surprise a nervous kid with a rifle. I don’t see what’s so funny about the scene at all.

ARRUDA:  I kinda have to agree with you on that one.  I’ve never found that scene funny.

MCMAHON:  What did they think was going to happen? Dumb scene, dumb characters, dumb movie.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD is the funnier movie.

2013-03-13-shaun_of_the_dead_ver2

SOARES:  I think that both movies are pretty good, and that they both have good casts and funny moments. But I’d have to give a slight edge to SHAUN OF THE DEAD, mainly because it’s a bit smarter and more aware of the history of zombie movies. There are references to George Romero movies that I thought were clever, and the script was just a tad better written.

I think it’s a close call, but I give this one to SHAUN.

ARRUDA:  Okay, after one round, SHAUN OF THE DEAD  jumps out to the early lead  and leads ZOMBIELAND 1-0.

On to Round 2.  Next question:  Which movie has better zombies?  Sheri?

SEBASTIAN-GABRIEL:  The ZOMBIELAND zombies work best for me because they’re not the classic shuffling zombies. It makes things a little more challenging for Tallahassee and the crew.

ARRUDA:  I agree. I liked the zombies better in ZOMBIELAND, too.

I liked how they moved faster and seemed vicious and ferocious, as opposed to the more traditional, slow-moving lumbering zombies found in SHAUN OF THE DEAD.  I will add, however, that in both movies, the zombies look great.

SOARES:  I would say they’re about equal. But if I had to choose, I’d give a slight edge to SHAUN, if only because it stuck more closely to Romero’s creations.

WANGLUND:  I thought the special effects in both movies were equally well-done.  I liked the zombies in both.

ARRUDA:  You just won’t rock the boat today.

WANGLUND:  Smooth sailing so far.

SOARES:  Screw that!  I want a tsunami!

WANGLUND:  The Geisha of Gore doesn’t joke about tsunamis.

ARRUDA:  Let’s move along before we all get seasick.  Dan?  How about you?  Which movie’s zombies do you prefer?

KEOHANE:  Since both films have the more traditional, lumbering zombies, there’s not a lot of comparison.

ARRUDA:  Actually, the zombies in ZOMBIELAND move much faster than the traditional movie zombies.

SOARES:  Weren’t you paying attention, Dan?  We just said the zombies in ZOMBIELAND were quicker.  Did you even watch the movie?

KEOHANE (feigns sheepish sadness and shame):  I remember them being typical lumbering zombies.  What can I say?

SOARES:  Maybe you should look at the screen the next time you watch the movie!

ARRUDA: I’m sure in some scenes they moved like traditional zombies.  Let’s cut Dan some slack.

SOARES:  I’ll cut him a new pair of eyes.

ARRUDA:  You were saying, Dan?

(SHERI hands DAN a pair of dark sunglasses, and COLLEEN hands him a walking stick.)

KEOHANE:  Very funny.

As I was saying, SHAUN tends to poke less fun at the monsters than the human survivors, whereas it’s just the opposite in ZOMBIELAND, so in that regard, SHAUN’s zombies are a tad better.

The zombie clown from ZOMBIELAND.

The zombie clown from ZOMBIELAND.

MCMAHON:  Eh hem.  When is it my turn?  Are you relegating the ZOMBIELAND hater to the back of the line?

SOARES:  Shut your pie hole and go back to drooling!

ARRUDA:  It’s just a coincidence that you’re last. Go ahead.

MCMAHON:  Years after watching SHAUN I can remember the big zombie twins, the cashier girl, the one-armed-zombie, Tyres from Spaced, and the big black guy with the vinyl record sticking out of his head.

I remember seeing a clown crawling under a bathroom stall door in ZOMBIELAND, and I remember a generic zombie getting crushed by a piano, which struck me as stupid because that’s a one and done defense unless you’re holing up in a piano distribution warehouse.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD clearly has the better zombies.

ARRUDA:  So, Round 2 goes to SHAUN OF THE DEAD which means after two rounds, the score is 2 to 0, in favor of SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

That’s all the time we have for PART 1.  Join us next Friday night for PART 2, when the SHAUN OF THE DEAD vs. ZOMBIELAND debate continues.

Good night everybody!

—END PART 1—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel G. Keohane, Paul McMahon, Sheri-Sebastian-Gabriel and Colleen Wanglund

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Meals for Monsters Feeds THE LAUGHING DEAD (1989)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 1980s Horror, 2013, Bad Acting, Evil Spirits, Jenny Orosel Columns, Just Plain Bad, Meals for Monsters, Occult, Reanimated Corpses, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on March 13, 2013 by knifefighter

MEALS FOR MONSTERS: THE LAUGHING DEAD (1989)
Movie Review and Recipes by Jenny Orosel

The Laughing Dead 1989 online

There are horror movie fans who can appreciate a good scare, a well-crafted look at the darkness of the human soul, perfectly paced suspense. This one is not for those fans. No, this time I present a Meals for Monsters for those of us who love garbage. Yes, you, with the TROLL 2 T-shirt, the well-worn VHS of WEASELS RIP MY FLESH, the ones who have every line of PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE memorized. For those of you eagerly searching, hoping that there might be one movie left out there even worse than the ones you’ve seen before. Whatever the worst one is that you’ve seen, here is one to top them all: THE LAUGHING DEAD (1989).

A priest leads a group to explore some Aztec ruins. The cast of characters include some obnoxious New Agers, an obnoxious runaway, a couple of obnoxious frat-boy-style tourists, and an obnoxious former nun kicked out when she gave birth to a now-obnoxious teenager. Oh, and that teenager is the secret love-child of said priest in question. Luckily, the former nun kept the parentage quiet so, while she was defrocked and defamed, he happily got to keep his post (something which embittered her to no end). Did I mention the priest was no prize either? They get to the ruins and come to find that an evil doctor is trying to bring the evil Death God to life, and in the process, raises a bunch of the dead. Cue battle for the fate of humanity.

How painful is this to watch? Let me count the ways: poor performances, poor dialogue, poor pacing. Not a single character is remotely likeable, so there’s no one to root for. And by the time they’re killed off, you’ve got such a ‘blah’ feeling about the movie as a whole, it’s hard to bring yourself to cheer. What makes it even more painful is that the director should have known how to make a halfway decent fright flick. THE LAUGHING DEAD was directed by horror writer and one-time Horror Writers Association president S.P. Somtow. So it’s not like this was directed by a sixteen year old who’d never crafted a story before. And the majority of actors aren’t professional…actors, that is. They’re writers, which makes for some interesting trivia (Tim Powers, Bruce Barlow, Gregory Frost, Wendy Webb, Ed Bryant and Forrest J. Ackerman all show their faces), but let’s face it: unless you’ve seen them around or at conventions, you’ll have no idea who’s who, especially the ones in zombie attire. Playing “spot the writer” isn’t as much fun when you wouldn’t recognize them in front of you.

There are a few things you can do when encountering a movie this painfully bad. You could block it from memory and pretend you never witnessed it. You could dedicate a small portion of your life warning others to stay as far away as possible. Or you can have a party with your other bad film fan friends and share your pain. And what better way than throwing an Endurance Party? You all gather around to watch the flick, and each person who groans, curses at the screen, or runs screaming from the room is eliminated. The last person holding in their pain wins.

Alcohol would definitely help make THE LAUGHING DEAD more enjoyable to watch. But, during an Endurance Party, that is the last thing you want to do. But what if your friends refuse to watch without some adult beverage refreshment? I recommend the Faketail. They’ll think they’re getting a good, strong drink, but they’ll be left sober enough to experience every painful frame:

THE FAKETAIL

drink

Ingredients:
Cherry Juice
Apple Juice
Gin

Directions:

Pour one part cherry juice and one part apple juice. Gently float one tablespoon of gin on top of the drink. The drink will smell like an alcoholic beverage, and for the first few sips, taste like one.

*****

I pondered making an authentic Aztec meal. After all, the movie is based on the Aztecs, right? Plantains were a staple in ancient Aztec cultures. Then I started thinking about how well-researched and historically correct the Aztec references are in THE LAUGHING DEAD, and adjusted my recipe to the movie’s level of authenticity. I present to you:

MEAT BANANA SPLITS (aka Stuffed Baked Plantains)
(Serves 3, adjust the recipe depending on how many people are in attendance.)

dinner

Ingredients:
3 green plantains
3 tbsps. Butter
1 ½ pounds various meats (I used 1/2lb taco meat, 1/2lb chicken sausage and 1/2lb pulled pork)
Salsa
Cheese

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cut a slit in each plantain, through the peel, about halfway through. Stuff 1 tablespoon butter into each slit. Bake for an hour, or until the plantains soften.

Peel the plantains. Half the plantains lengthwise, using the slit as a guide. Arrange on a plate with three scoops of meat. Place the cheese directly onto the meat and top with salsa. Add a vegetable or salad for a side if you feel the need to make it a somewhat rounded meal. Otherwise, enjoy!

*****

After enduring the entirety of THE LAUGHING DEAD, a reward is definitely in order. I leave it to you whether or not the ‘drop-outs’ at your party deserve cake. Not just any cake, but…

BLEEDING CAKE

dessert

Ingredients:
1 box lemon cake mix (plus ingredients as directed on the box)
1 jar cherry jam
1 package unflavored gelatin
1 tub vanilla frosting

Directions:

Bake the cake in a 13” x 9” pan, as directed on the package. Cool in pan for an hour. Meanwhile, melt the jam down over medium heat. When it just begins to bubble, dissolve the gelatin package into the jam. Heat and stir until completely dissolved.

Using the back of a wooden spoon, poke holes in the cake of varying deepness. Spread the melted jam over the top of the cake, making sure to fill the holes. Refrigerate for an hour or until set. Spread the frosting over the cake until you can no longer see the jam layer. Can be made up to two days in advance.

I’m not normally one to advocate putting your friends through pain. But, as many other bad flick fans can attest, there’s a certain thrill at finding one that’s even worse than any you’d ever experienced. And that is one thing I can give THE LAUGHING DEAD, and one thing that makes me sad. I think I might have truly found the worst of the worst, and it’s going to be a long haul trying to top this one. And, in a sick, masochistic way, I look forward to the challenge.

© Copyright 2013 by Jenny Orosel

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Meals for Monsters Presents: THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES (1964)

Posted in Drive-in Movies, B-Movies, Zombies, 1960s Horror, Cult Movies, Jenny Orosel Columns, Meals for Monsters, Just Plain Weird, Bad Acting, "So Bad They're Good" Movies, Gypsy Curses, Hypnotic Horror, 2013, Carnival Chills, Ray Dennis Steckler with tags , , , , , on February 6, 2013 by knifefighter

MEALS FOR MONSTERS: THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES (1964)
Review and Recipes by Jenny Orosel

poster

It could be argued that the best part of THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES (1964) is the title. It wouldn’t be hard to argue that, because it is a bad movie. Ninety five percent of this movie is plain awful. But that five percent that isn’t is such pure awesomeness that it makes up for the rest and does make it a fun flick for a movie night.

The title sums up only a portion of INCREDIBLY STRAGE CREATURES. The movie opens with a carnival fortune teller turning a drunk into one of those mixed-up zombies after he spurns her advances. Flash-forward to three not-so-young young people (can’t any low-budget directors find anyone under the age of thirty to play a teenager?) looking for kicks at the local carnival. Jerry and his friends go in for a psychic reading with Madame Estrella from the prologue. She is not appreciative of their silly manner, especially the obnoxious Jerry. So she enlists the help of her sister, a stripper, in bewitching the juvenile delinquent. Soon he abandons his buddy and his girlfriend and only wants to watch Carmelita take it off. She, Madame Estrella and her henchman Ortega turn Jerry into a hypnotized assassin. Can they be stopped before Jerry goes full-blown into mixed-up-zombiness?

I’ve seen some great movies made on a near nonexistent budget. This is not one of them. The acting is horrible (the director cast himself in the lead, presumably to save a few bucks). The story seemed like an afterthought and the pacing was lousy (after the prologue there was barely any reference to the mixed-up zombies until near the end). The tagline for INREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES was “The First Monster Musical”. Reading that, I was expecting…well, a musical. Not so here. Instead, we had a movie with song and dance numbers by the strippers and showgirls thrown in whenever they couldn’t think of anything else to do with that time slot. And I use the term “dance” loosely; it was more like walking around in sync.

So why am I recommending INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES?  Because it’s fun. It’s so far from being politically correct (Estrella and Ortega are a mishmash of the worst stereotypes for Hispanic, Gypsy and Jewish combined) that you feel almost naughty just for watching it. Plus, there are parts of the flick that just straight up look awesome. The dream sequences alone were stunning (it’s worth mentioning that, in the midst of this film involving mostly non-professionals, cameraman Vilmos Zsigmond went on to win a cinematography Oscar for CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)).

When coming up with cocktails for these movies, I try to avoid really bad puns. But I don’t always try very hard. Hence, I bring you the:

MIXED-UP ZOMBIEdrink

Ingredients:
1 shot rum
1 shot peach schnapps
1 shot apple schnapps
8 ounces fruit punch

Directions: Take the four ingredients and, well, mix them up.

Seeing as most of the movie takes place at a carnival, it would be fitting to make carnival food. My personal favorite is the corn dog. However, if you don’t have a deep fryer big enough to make Paula Deen weep, it can get very messy very fast. And baked corn dogs resemble their carnival counterparts the way a pug resembles a guard dog. So instead I bring you the best of the corn dog flavors, but in a less messy vehicle:

CORN DOG CAKE dinner

Ingredients:
1 package corn bread mix
½ cup milk
4 hot dogs, cubed
2 miniature pickles, cubed

Directions:Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Spray a 9 inch loaf pan with nonstick spray. In a bowl, mix the first three ingredients, then fold in the last two. Bake for 20-25 minutes, depending on how hot your oven runs (mine took 22 minutes). Invert onto a plate, slice and serve with mustard/ketchup sauce and a salad (so you can claim something resembling nutritious for dinner).

MUSTARD/KETCHUP SAUCE:
Ingredients:
¼ cup mustard
3 tbsp. ketchup
3 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

Directions: Combine in saucepan and heat on low until warmed and mixed well together. Serve over Corn Dog Cake

Candy apples come with similar problems to corn dogs. To get that good, hard, bright red cinnamon exterior you need to deal with melted sugar at insanely high and precise temperatures. Ten degrees too hot or too cold can completely ruin it. Then there’s the problem of spillage—on kitchen equipment, it’s a bitch to clean off and spilled on flesh is really not something you ever want to experience. So, again like dinner, dessert captures all the flavors of the candy apple, but in a much easier way:

CANDY APPLE PIE

dessert

Ingredients:
1 pre-made refrigerated 2 part pie crust
5 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and sliced.
½ cup sugar
3 tbsps. cornstarch
1 2oz bottle Red Hot cake decorations (or equivalent bulk candy)
1/3 cup butter, cut in cubes

Directions: Preheat oven to 425. Place first crust layer inside a 9 inch pie plate. Mix the apples, sugar, cornstarch and candies in a bowl. Pour into the crust, and scatter the butter cubes around the filling. Top with second crust dough, seal the edges and do NOT forget to poke air holes in the top crust (yes, this was learned the hard way). Put the pie plate on a cookie sheet to catch any drips or overflow. Bake 50 minutes, or until crust is nicely browned. Serve with whipped cream, ice cream, or the souls of your enemies.

The director, Ray Dennis Steckler, is responsible for some of the greatest titles in drive-in history: RAT PFINK A BOO BOO (1966), THE MAD LOVE LIFE OF A HOT VAMPIRE (1971) and THE HOLLYWOOD STRANGLER MEETS THE SKID ROW SLASHER. Whether these movies live up to the promise of those titles has been debated by film fans worldwide. But after giving THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES a try, I suggest exploring some of his other titles. I’m willing to bet you’ll have more fun than an evening of toenail clipping. And, if you need help enjoying them, go ahead and add an extra shot or two to your Mixed-Up Zombie.

© Copyright 2013 by Jenny Orosel

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WARM BODIES (2013)

Posted in Cinema Knife Fights, Zombies, Comedies, Dark Comedies, CGI, 2013, Romance, Teen Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: WARM BODIES (2013)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Warm_Bodies_6

(THE SCENE: Morning in a quaint little New England village. MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are walking along the deserted street, surprised that no one else is up and about)

MA: It sure is quiet around here.

LS: It’s strange, because I heard there was some kind of zombie virus going around. But I don’t see any sign of it here.

MA: Maybe it was a hoax?

(A ZOMBIE dressed in a bathrobe and slippers comes out of a house and walks toward them, to check his mailbox)

ZOMBIE: Well hello there! Nice to see some visitors to our humble little town.

LS: You can talk!

ZOMBIE: Of course I can talk. It took a lot of practice to learn again after I died, but I can talk just fine.

MA: You’re not going to try to eat us, are you?

ZOMBIE: No, of course not! Just because I’m a zombie doesn’t mean I’m uncivilized! I am a very cultured zombie and have learned to refine my tastes to more, inoffensive food sources.

LS: That’s wonderful!

MA: All is right with the world now!

ZOMBIE: Well, I must get back before my zombie wife and zombie kids wonder where I’ve gone to. Have a delightful day and welcome to Zombie Village.

(ZOMBIE goes back to his house)

MA: That sure was a pleasant conversation.

LS: Not very scary, was it?

MA: Not at all.

LS: After all the years we’ve been going to see horror movies, that’s not much of a zombie, right?

MA: You said it.

LS: Which leads us to this week’s movie review, the new zombie movie WARM BODIES, which gives us a lesson in the rejuvenating power of love!

MA: Oh, that sounds wonderful!

LS: You can cut the crap now.

MA: Thank you. I was about to throw up if I went on any further.

LS: WARM BODIES begins with the humorous witticisms of a young zombie named simply “R” (Nicholas Hoult) who delights us with some funny comments right off the bat. He wonders what he’s doing in an airport, wandering around with the other zombies, and finds his new “life” a little monotonous. Things perk up a bit when some humans infiltrate their “home,” led by Perry (Dave Franco) and Julie (Teresa Palmer), young lovers who are on a mission to get medical supplies for the humans. Julie is also the daughter of the president of what is left of the United States, Grigio (played by John Malkovich).

R and his pals attack the humans (they are hungry zombies, after all, and need some nourishment), but R instantly falls for Julie, who he goes to great lengths to save from a horrendous fate. He sneaks her past the other zombies and brings her back to a deserted airplane that he calls home (for some reason, no other zombies go there). He struggles to speak and lets her know that he is going to keep her safe. At first, Julie is terrified, but she slowly learns to trust R (who can’t remember his real name, but knows it started with an “R”).

MA: Isn’t that cute?

LS: Painfully so.

MA: Seriously, that’s the word that kept surfacing throughout this movie: cute. Isn’t this a cute movie, I could hear people saying? And it is. So, I guess if you want to see a cute zombie movie, this is the flick for you. But for the rest of us—.

LS: Can I finish this damn plot summary now?

MA: Please.

LS: Don’t be so polite! I can’t take “polite” after this movie!

MA: Get on with the friggin summary!

LS: That’s better.

As they spend time together, R begins to change. His once-dead heart starts beating again, and he slowly becomes more and more human. And it affects his zombie friends as well, until there are a whole bunch of zombies who have working hearts and long for the tender warmth of love.

(A girl plays a harp in the background as they walk by)

Oh, I forgot to mention the “bonies,” who are zombies who have decayed to the point where they are just skeletons, and are the most vicious and least recognizably human of the creatures. The bonies kill anything alive without hesitation, but we start to see the more “human” zombies rebelling against them, even helping the living humans fight against them! How spirited!

Another conflict involves Julie getting her gung-ho zombie-killing father to wake up to the fact that the zombies are curing themselves! Will he listen to her, or just continue to blast away at any zombies he sees?

WARM BODIES is aptly titled, because it really does warm the cockles of your heart as you watch it, between the gentle humor and the sweet love story, this movie will get your heart beating again, just like those zombies!

MA: Give me a barf bag! And for the record, you’re being sarcastic, right?

LS: You think?

It’s bad enough that zombies have been coming out of our ears. The word overkill has taken on new meaning. Sure, there are some worthwhile zombie-related movies and TV shows, but they’re few and far between. Enough already! It’s gotten to the point where my first reaction to a new zombie movie is to cringe before I even see it. But that’s not the worst thing about WARM BODIES.

MA: Not at all. While I agree with you about the overkill aspect, I like the zombie movies and TV shows we’ve been inundated with, so I had a very open mind about this one.

(A “Bonie” hovers nearby, licking its skeletal chops as it closes in on MA’s head.)

MA: Not that open!

(LS pulls out a shotgun and blows Bonie away.)

MA: I could have easily enjoyed this one, but for reasons you’re about to explain, I didn’t.

Warm-Bodies-new-poster-2-616x913

LS: WARM BODIES takes zombies and mixes them with a TWILIGHT-inspired love story. Two teenagers fall in love—a zombie hunk and a blonde honey—and inspire each other to reach new heights. How completely and utterly…..nauseating. It’s bad enough I had to sit through the TWILIGHT movies to review them. To be subjected to movies that aspire to follow in TWILIGHT’s footsteps is just intolerable.

MA: I agree. And can I say this right now, at the risk of alienating some in our audience? WARM BODIES is a chick flick, pure and simple. That’s what it is. A chick flick disguised as a horror comedy.

LS: I’m offended. But WARM BODIES has something the TWILIGHT movies—for the most part—do not. A sense of humor. Instead of self-important vampires who strut around the TWILIGHT series, we’ve got a self-deprecating zombie with a heart, and he’s even got a funny friend. How original—a zombie movie with a humorous attitude. This has never been done before. SHAUN OF THE DEAD and ZOMBIELAND were obviously figments of our imagination.

MA: Well, WARM BODIES is nowhere near as funny as those movies. Or as good.

(A TEENAGE ZOMBIE in a red hoodie approaches them)

TEENAGE ZOMBIE: Hello, welcome to Zombie Village.

MA: Yeah, thanks.

TEENAGE ZOMBIE: Is there anything I can do for you gentlemen? Do you have a lawn that needs mowing? A car that needs washing? I really like to help people, and I just finished my paper route.

LS: Don’t you have some brains to go eat or something?

TEENAGE ZOMBIE: That is pretty funny, sir. No, I’m just a typical, sweet, boy-next-door zombie looking to give a helping hand to whoever needs it.

MA (throws up his hands): Oh get out of here already.

LS: Yeah, beat it you wimpy zombie, before I blow your head off.

TEENAGE ZOMBIE: You guys aren’t that friendly, are you? Well, I’ll be shuffling off.

(Shuffles away)

MA: Back to our review?

LS: Yeah, the sooner we finish, the better. This village gives me the creeps.

There are several aspects of WARM BODIES that I really didn’t like.

First off, the zombies are never scary. Not for a moment. Even when a bunch of them attacks the humans and starts chomping on them in the beginning, it’s not overly gruesome or scary in any way. In fact, “R” is cracking jokes and revealing the fact that he has a conscious mind way before Julie even comes into the picture and steals his heart.

MA: Exactly! I had a problem with this too, because it defeats the point the story is making, that it was his connection to Julie that set this “cure” in motion.

LS: How are we supposed to get sucked into a dramatic transformation when it never really happens? From what I could tell, R was funny and sweet from the first scene. He doesn’t really change at all, he just gets more verbal when Julie enters his “life.”

If he had started out as a shambling, dangerous, flesh-eating monster from the beginning and slowly became self-aware and funny and sweet, it would have been much more dramatic.

MA: Absolutely.

LS: But the fact that he’s really all these good things from the get-go means he’s never scary and, frankly, he’s never really a zombie. Zombies aren’t self-aware. They don’t crack jokes. THEY’RE DEAD. R is more a half-dead creature than a real zombie. And the fact that his heart starts beating again so easily shows he probably was never really dead (well, not completely) to begin with. Even his name is wrong. Instead of “R,” they should have called him “PG-13,” which also happens to be the rating for this toothless monster movie.

Secondly, the “bonies,” are a joke. If they are decayed to the degree that they are just skeletons, chances are they would be very fragile and easy to defeat. They’re rotted. They’re frail. They would NOT be more formidable than their more fleshy counterparts. And the fact that the bonies are fast-moving CGI creatures that look incredibly FAKE insures that they won’t be scary. They’re just stupid.

MA: Yep, the bonies look like rejects from an old Ray Harryhausen movie.

LS: Don’t even mention Harryhausen’s name in the same breath as those fake-looking losers!

MA: And they are fake-looking, that’s for sure. I’m not sure which ones annoyed me most, the bonies in this movie or the cute werewolves in the TWILIGHT series. I think I’d go with those werewolves.

(A “BONIE” pops up from behind a bush)

BONIE: Darn it. If I wasn’t afraid my teeth would fall out, I’d bite you for saying that!

LS: Get out of here before I blow your skull off.

(BONIE runs away, and his legs fall off. His upper body crawls away)

MA (laughing): Look at him go!

LS: The acting is okay for the most part, considering the more stupid aspects of the script.

MA: To me, that’s the one thing that saved this film. The actors in it did a nice job, even if they were playing characters I didn’t like.

LS: Nicholas Hoult is likable enough as R, I guess. We’ve seen Hoult before in movies like CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010), where he played Eusebios, and, more memorably, Hank McCoy (the Beast) in X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (2011). He’ll also be playing Jack in the upcoming JACK THE GIANT SLAYER. I have to admit, I wasn’t a big fan of his zombie character, R, but people sitting in the audience seemed to think he was great. Maybe it was those hunky good looks and piercing blue eyes that won them over? So much for rotting, ugly monsters.

MA: Don’t even get me started about the theater audience. I saw WARM BODIES in a packed theater, and they were oohing and ahhing, and giggling— I thought I was in the wrong movie, watching a re-showing of MAGIC MIKE (2012) or something. They even clapped at the end of the movie…..

LS (cringes): Oh god, it was like TWILIGHT all over again.

MA: …I clapped too – because it was over!

But getting back to Hoult, yeah, I wasn’t into his character at all, but I can’t deny that he made the guy likeable. Between R and Edward from TWILIGHT, I’d rather hang out with R. And I’m going to gag saying this, but he makes R seem like a really nice guy, the kind of guy girls would want to bring home to their parents.

LS: Sorry, but I don’t go to horror movies to see monsters who are “really nice guys” you can bring home to meet the parents.

Teresa Palmer as Julie obviously went to the Kristen Stewart School of Acting. She sports a similar sneer in some scenes, and clearly thinks she’s more of a badass than she really is (it’s clear that when her boyfriend Perry was around, she called the shots). You might have seen her in some recent movies like THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE (2010) and I AM NUMBER FOUR (2011). I didn’t think she was awful in the role of Julie, and she’s pretty enough, but she didn’t really do anything all that original to make her stand out for me.

MA: And I would have liked her a lot better had she not reminded me of Kristen Stewart so much with those sneers. But for the most part I enjoyed her performance as Julie. I bought that she fell in love with R, although she did get over her old boyfriend awfully quick!

LS: Maybe that’s because her first boyfriend, Perry, was a loser. How do we know this? Because after R kills Perry during the big attack in the beginning, he takes big chunks of Perry’s brain and puts them in his pocket to eat later. Every time he munches on Perry brains, he gets these vivid flashbacks to milestones in Perry’s life. He starts to absorb Perry’s memories. And Perry isn’t really all that interesting. And those brain chunks sure do seem to last a long time. Perry must have had a pretty big brain—something I wouldn’t have guessed to look at him.

Speaking of eating brains. It is never addressed in this movie what revitalized zombies eat! Another key plot problem. As we all know, real zombies eat human flesh, and are overwhelmed by a violent need to feed. Our pal R must be on a diet, because he doesn’t seem to be controlled by his hunger all that much. In fact, once he meets Julie, he pretty much forgets all about eating (except for those occasional brain snacks). After he starts to “cure” himself, he doesn’t eat at all. So much for overwhelming urges—which could have provided a powerful dramatic conflict—to love the girl or eat her. This never comes up with R.

MA: He’s just too nice a guy for conflict.

LS:  So what do zombies who are becoming human again eat? Do they eat brains? Do they eat normal food? Do they eat raw hamburger? That would have been something interesting to explore. But the movie just ignores all that. Just like it ignores most dramatic elements that would have made the script more interesting.

warm-bodies-poster

But back to the cast.

Rob Corddry plays R’s friend “M,” and he’s one of the few characters I liked at all, even though he’s not all that “fleshed out.” But it’s Rob Corddry, and I like him, and he has the funniest line in the movie, even if he’s relegated to the boring sidekick role here and not given a helluva lot to do except help his buddy out. Most people will know Corddry from the movie HOT TUB TIME MACHINE (2010) and as Dr. Blake Downs on the current Cartoon Channel/Adult Swim live-action series CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL, where’s he’s pretty funny. He was even a member of the UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE (TV series from 1998 – 2000).

MA: Yep, I liked Corddry too, but as much as I liked his character, he was nowhere near as funny as he could have been, which goes back to the problems this movie has with humor. It’s all very light, and inoffensive, I might add.

LS: John Malkovich, a normally strong actor, is pretty much sleepwalking through his role as President Grigio. Which makes sense, because he could play such a one-dimensional character in his sleep, and proves it.

MA: Can you say, ‘paycheck?’

LS: Definitely. You’d be better off renting BEING JOHN MALKOVICH (1999), the underrated RIPLEY’S GAME (2002), or even CON-AIR (1997) for better Malkovich performances.

MA: I also liked Analeigh Tipton as Julie’s best friend Nora. I thought she had some of the funnier lines in the movie, and there was a quirky honesty about her character which I enjoyed.

LS: I liked her, too. It’s funny, I liked her and Corddry—the two “sidekicks” —better than the nominal leads here.

As a horror movie, WARM BODIES isn’t scary and isn’t particularly horrific in any real way.

MA: It’s about as horrific as MAMMA MIA! (2008). In fact, Pierce Brosnan’s singing in that movie is scarier than anything in WARM BODIES!

LS: Some of the characters are zombies (or so we’re told – I still say they’re not really zombies, since many of them are self-aware and non-threatening from the start), but that’s not enough to make it a horror movie. As a romance, WARM BODIES is trite and annoying, and completely unoriginal (see the aforementioned TWILIGHT). As a comedy, WARM BODIES is just too toothless to have any kind of edge to it, and too sweet-natured to really have anything satirical to say about zombies or teen romances masquerading as horror movies.

The script by Jonathan Levine (who also directed), based on the novel by Isaac Marion, fluctuates from being tolerable to being completely irritating.

I give this one one and a half knives. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but not exactly something I would recommend to anyone, either. And it’s kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back for me after watching all those awful TWILIGHT movies. I’m really, completely sick of teen romance movies where one of the lovers is a monster. I think I liked this one a little better than the typical TWILIGHT flick, but not much more. The concept is now beyond irritating. And I am so glad we decided not to review BEAUTIFUL CREATURES when it comes out this Valentine’s Day, since it’s about a teenage witch who falls in love with a mortal. I am SOOOOOO sick of this teen romance pablum!

MA: Same here. And the problem with these movies, as you’ve already said, is they’re too trite. There’s nothing to them, and so you’re left with watching very light and weak material that just doesn’t resonate, and as a result, doesn’t satisfy.

I didn’t like WARM BODIES either, for all of the same reasons you gave, but I did like it a bit better than you did, mostly because I warmed up to (off camera there is a collective groan) R and his feelings towards Julie. R is a fairly entertaining character in a mildly nice guy sort of way, but he would have been funnier if it had been more difficult for him to win Julie over. Think Woody Allen as a zombie.

LS: Now that would be hilarious!

MA: Here, instead, it’s more like Tom Cruise as a zombie. He’s not going to have a difficult time winning over the girl.

LS: And he obviously won over lots of people in the audience for the same reason. I’m sure this movie will do well at the box office. But I still don’t like it.

MA: That being said, R is not an arrogant Tom Cruise-type character. He’s self-conscious and vulnerable, but everything he touches ends up smelling like roses. So even though he’s a “nice guy” and even though his running comments throughout the movie are somewhat entertaining and made me chuckle a couple of times, there’s no real conflict here, everything comes easy for him. Not the best recipe for strong storytelling.

Also, there’s a reason nice guys don’t make the best movie characters. They’re boring.

I liked Julie a little less, but at least I believed in her feelings towards R, and I also believed in R’s feelings towards her. This is another advantage this film had over the TWILIGHT movies. In TWILIGHT, everybody loves Bella, and for the life of me, I could never understood why. At least here, Julie isn’t always brooding and depressed. She seemed likeable enough, and I could see what R saw in her. I bought into their romance. I just wish it hadn’t been the main topic of an entire movie. Had it been one part of a more entertaining film, had there been more about M for example, this might have been a better movie. Then again, maybe not.

For those reasons, I didn’t hate this one, but I certainly can’t recommend it.

I give it two knives.

Okay, we’re done here. Let’s get out of here before I start throwing up.

(Zombie approaches them.)

ZOMBIE: Leaving so soon? We’re about to have a poker party. Won’t you join us?

MA: Really? A zombie poker party? What’s next? Zombie zumba?

ZOMBIE: That’s across the street.

(LS shoots Zombie in the head.)

LS: Now, so are your brains.

MA: That wasn’t very nice, but somehow, in this case, it felt right.

(Other zombies start coming out of their houses to see what is going on)

LS: Let’s get out of here before they try killing us with kindess.

(LS & MA flee.)

—END—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives WARM BODIES ~ two knives!

LL Soares gives WARM BODIES ~one and a half knives.

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Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS: FEBRUARY 2013

Posted in 2013, Action Movies, Aliens, Coming Attractions, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on February 1, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
FEBRUARY 2013
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene:  A city street, infested with zombies, shambling along aimlessly.  MICHAEL ARRUDA, in full zombie make-up, joins in on the action, while L.L. SOARES watches from the sidelines.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA (to LS):  What are you doing over there?  You’re missing all the fun.

L.L SOARES:  I’m sick of zombies!

MA:  Your loss.  Hey, didn’t we do this at a convention once? Get made up as zombies?

L.L. SOARES:  Yes we did.  But we didn’t have real zombies with us then!

MA:  Yikes!  These are real zombies?

LS:  Do you think those are actors? (points to several zombies chomping on a body, ripping out its insides and munching on intestines).

MA (grimaces):  I just lost my appetite.  (Looks at LS who has a cell phone to his ear.)  What are you doing?

LS:  I’m ordering take-out!  All this feasting is making me hungry!

MA:  Anyway, folks, welcome to our Coming Attractions column for February, that column where we preview the movies we’ll be reviewing for the coming month, and no, we’re not kicking off February with a WALKING DEAD movie.

LS:  No such luck. But speaking of THE WALKING DEAD, the TV series comes back with new episodes in February….

MA:  But the zombies here are to promote the new teenage zombie movie, WARM BODIES, opening Friday, February 1.

Warm-Bodies-new-poster-2-616x913

WARM BODIES believe it or not, looks to be a romantic zombie comedy.  Now, I love movie zombies, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the zombie comedies as well, movies like SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) and ZOMBIELAND (2009).  But, I don’t know about this one.

While the trailer makes it look halfway decent, I’m thinking it just might be a bit too silly for my tastes, and by silly, I don’t mean comedic.  Laughs are fine. I mean it might just be too light and airy to make much of an impact.

LS:  As I’ve said before, I’ve gotten really sick of zombies. And I never liked teen romance movies that pretend to be horror. So this one has two strikes against it from the start. Based on the trailer for this one, a zombie falls in love with a human, and that love reanimates his dead heart, so it starts beating again. How heart-warming. Excuse me while I throw up.  I’ll see this one and review it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

MA: Also opening on February 1, it’s the latest Sylvester Stallone action pic, BULLET TO THE HEAD.  Now, I’m a Stallone fan, so in spite of the fact that this one looks like just another buddy cop action film, I’m looking forward to it.  I always find Stallone entertaining.

LS: Too bad he doesn’t play a teenage zombie in that one.

bullet_to_the_head_banner

MA: That being said, the trailers do very little for me, as it looks pretty standard.  The plot could have been lifted from any 80s action buddy movie.  And it’s directed by Walter Hill, the guy who gave us some of those 1980s buddy action movies, including 48 HOURS (1982) starring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, and RED HEAT (1988) which paired Arnold Schwarzenegger with James Belushi.  So, the guy’s had lots of practice.  Hill might be most famous for directing THE WARRIORS (1979), the controversial film that was blamed for inciting gang violence back in the day.  Hill also directed a little movie I liked a lot—again, back in the day— THE DRIVER (1978) in which the two lead actors were cast against type, as Bruce Dern played the cop, and Ryan O’Neal played the villain, the driver.

LS: THE WARRIORS was a lot of fun. He also directed STREETS OF FIRE (1984).

MA: Walter Hill is a veteran filmmaker, and so perhaps BULLET TO THE HEAD will be a better than average movie.

LS:  Yeah, with Hill at the helm, I bet it’s not too bad, even if it does rip off the title of one of John Woo’s best Hong Kong movies.

And opening in limited release on February 1 it’s HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2 (2013).  I have no clue if this one will be playing near me, but if it does, I’ll check it out. If I remember correctly, the first one wasn’t too bad.

The-Haunting-in-Connecticut-2-Ghosts-of-Georgia-Poster-18853_650x400

(Zombies crowd around MA and are about to attack him, when LS pulls out a shotgun and blows their heads off)

MA: And to think I complained that you didn’t do the zombie makeup thing with me.

LS: Someone’s gotta shoot them in the heads.

On February 8, we’ll be reviewing Steven Soderbergh’s latest movie SIDE EFFECTS.  Like one of his previous movies, CONTAGION (2011), this one seems to give everything away in the trailer, which annoys me to no end. But maybe it will be good. It’s about a new anti-anxiety drug that has murderous side effects – or that’s how it looks, at least.

sideeffects2

MA:  I know very little about this one, as it hasn’t been heavily promoted in my area.  I do like both Rooney Mara and Jude Law.  On the other hand, it’s by the same writer/director team— Scott Z. Burns and Steven Soderbergh— who gave us CONTAGION—and this isn’t a good thing, as I didn’t like CONTAGION all that much.

LS: Soderbergh is hit or miss, but I think he’s made more good movies than bad ones, so I’m hoping SIDE EFFECTS is a good one.

MA: Moving ahead to February 15, I’ll be reviewing the latest in the DIE HARD franchise, A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD (2013) starring Bruce Willis as everybody’s favorite super cop, John McLane.

LS: He’s not my favorite super cop!

MA: Now, I enjoyed the original DIE HARD (1988) a lot, but I can’t say that I’ve ever warmed up to the sequels all that much.  They’ve all been exceedingly far-fetched— not that the original was all that realistic.  However, I do enjoy Bruce Willis, so I’m willing to have an open mind about this one.

Let’s see, this movie comes upon the heels of Stallone in BULLET TO THE HEAD which followed Schwarzenegger in THE LAST STAND in January— have we gone back in time?  It’s the 1980s action line up all over again!

LS:  I’m not a fan of the DIE HARD franchise. I didn’t mind the first one, but I went out of my way to avoid the sequels. Instead, I’ll be reviewing the new Don Coscarelli movie, JOHN DIES AT THE END that week. A new movie by the director who gave us PHANTASM (1979) and BUBBA HO-TEP (2002) might just be something to get excited about.

John-Dies-at-the-End-Poster

MA:  We finish the month with a review of the February 22 release DARK SKIES (2013), a science fiction thriller directed by Scott Charles Stewart, the guy who directed PRIEST (2011) and LEGION (2009).  Ugh!

LS: That doesn’t bode well.

Dark-Skies

MA: But it’s produced by the folks who gave us the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and INSIDIOUS (2010), so this helps, I guess.  The trailers do look pretty creepy.

LS:  The trailer for DARK SKIES looks pretty good. So I’m looking forward to it. I hope it’s more like INSIDIOUS than PRIEST.

MA:  And that wraps up February. There’s nothing really amazing that I want to see coming out this month.  (looks at zombies)  You guys actually don’t look so bad.

(Zombies begin to jump and cheer behind them.)

MA:  Don’t get too excited.  I still don’t have high hopes for your movie.

(Zombies frown and start closing in on MA & LS)

LS (loads his gun):  On the other hand, it could be just the genre film we’re looking for!

(Zombies stop, and as they ponder LS’s words, LS & MA run away.)

LS & MA: Stupid zombies!

(Zombies shrug and return to foraging for food.)

—END—

© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

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JUAN OF THE DEAD (2011)

Posted in 2012, Apocalyptic Films, Comedies, Dark Comedies, Exotic Locales, Foreign Films, Gore!, Horror, Just Plain Fun, LL Soares Reviews, Zombie Movies, Zombies with tags , , , , , on November 26, 2012 by knifefighter

JUAN OF THE DEAD (2011)
Movie Review by L.L. Soares

In 2004, SHAUN OF THE DEAD gave us a horror comedy that hit all the right notes. Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost gave us a “dead on” comedy firmly planted in the world of the zombies created by George A. Romero in such classic films as NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968), DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), and DAY OF THE DEAD (1985). The reason why it was so brilliant is because it was so well-versed in the world Romero created and played off that smartly.

SHAUN opened the floodgates for other zombie comedies. Some of them have been pretty forgettable, others like 2009’s ZOMBIELAND, have given us clever riffs on similar material. And now, along comes JUAN OF THE DEAD (aka JUAN DE LOS MUERTOS),  a zombie comedy that comes from (and is set in) modern day Cuba. How does it stack up to its predecessors? Quite well, actually.

Directed by Alejandro Brugues, JUAN OF THE DEAD begins with Juan (Alexis Diaz de Villegas) and his buddy Lazaro (Jorge Molina) floating on a raft, fishing. They catch a strange-looking fish that turns out to be a dead body. But it suddenly lifts its horrific head and tries to bite them! Lazaro shoots a harpoon through its skull, and the friends agree to keep this a secret.

But not long afterward, they find themselves in the middle of a full-blown zombie infestation in Havana!

As zombies fill the streets, Juan and Lazaro decide it’s time to take a stand—they start a service where they hire themselves out to kill zombies. They are joined by Lazaro’s son, Vladi California (Andros Perugorria), a young hippie lady’s man, as well as a transvestite named La China (Jazz Vila) and her hulking boyfriend, El Primo (Eliecer Ramirez). They all have their special weapons: Juan uses paddles from his raft, Lazaro has machetes, El China has a slingshot and El Primo uses his fists—and, because he faints at the sight of blood—El China blindfolds him and has to lead him around.

There’s also Juan’s daughter, Camila (Andrea Duro) who is visiting from Miami where she lives with her mother. She hasn’t seen Juan in years and picks the worst possible time to come visiting. Of course, as the movie progresses, we find out that Camila, who Juan is always trying to protect, is as tough as he is.

The name of their enterprise becomes “Juan of the Dead” quite by accident (it’s the way Vladi answers their ancient-looking telephone the first time they get a job). They are soon being hired to go to rich people’s houses to exterminate their loved ones, and hotels to get rid of occupants who are no longer breathing.

Juan and friends look for work during a zombie apocalypse in JUAN OF THE DEAD.

There are lots of scenes of Juan and his friends getting in bloody brawls with zombies, so there’s lots of gore. They also meet some interesting characters along the way, including a gun-toting preacher who only speaks English (albeit with a thick Cuban accent) and who no one else can communicate with (they only know Spanish). And, at one point, the gang is apprehended by soldiers who order them to take their clothes off and they are chained together in the back of a transport vehicle. Unfortunately, one of the other prisoners turns out to be a zombie, which leads to chaos.

The movie has its share of laughs. One scene came toward the end involves Lazaro telling Juan he has been bitten by a zombie and won’t make it to morning. It sounds pretty intense, but it turns out to be pretty funny.

It’s also interesting to get to see Havana, which was obviously a beautiful city once, but is now rundown and crumbling. We don’t get to see real Cuban locales on film very often, but I hope JUAN OF THE DEAD won’t be the last movie we get from Cuba anytime soon.

It’s a good cast, and Alexis Diaz de Villegas has a lot of heart in the lead role. While I didn’t think it was as funny as SHAUN OF THE DEAD, I thought it was a fresh take on the whole zombie apocalypse thing, and it’s worth checking out.

I give JUAN OF THE DEAD ~ three knives.

© Copyright 2012 by L.L. Soares

LL Soares gives JUAN OF THE DEAD ~three knives.

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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: THE DISEMBODIED (1957)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 1950s Movies, 2012, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Femme Fatales, Jungle Horror, Voodoo Movies, William Carl Articles, Zombies with tags , , , , on September 27, 2012 by knifefighter

BILL’S BIZARRE BIJOU

By William D. Carl

This week’s feature presentation:

THE DISEMBODIED (1957)

Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made.  If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it.   Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you, so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open.  Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.

The 1950s gave the discerning male viewer a long string of beautiful women in science fiction/horror B-movies, early scream queens who graced our drive-in theater screens and gave adolescent boys one more terrific reason to watch scary flicks.  Susan Cabot, Mara Corday, Marla English, and the wonderful, immortal Beverly Garland were but a few of these monster-menaced madonnas, and they were each great in their own way.  But nobody ever held the screen like the wonderfully campy Allison Hayes.  This dark-haired beauty knew exactly what kind of ‘films’ she was headlining, and she knew how to vamp it up while onscreen.  Whether she was being sent back in time and getting accused as a witch (THE UNDEAD, 1957), aiding a psychotic hypnotist (THE HYPNOTIC EYE, 1960), or growing to gargantuan proportions and stalking her tiny husband Harry (ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN, 1958), she gave it her all with a wink at the camera and a body to die for.  One of my personal favorites in the Allison Hayes oeuvre is the 1957 voodoo jungle flick THE DISEMBODIED, where Miss Hayes turns the heat up to a sultry eleven!

THE DISEMBODIED opens with credits rolling over footage of a woman’s hands manipulating a voodoo doll, wasting no time in getting to the meat of the picture.  When the camera rolls back, we find the raven-haired Allison Hayes using rope to strangle the doll while she watches her husband, Dr. Carl Metz (John Wengraf of GOG, 1954 and THE RETURN OF DRACULA, 1958) choke on the front porch.  He orders his manservant, Suba, played by Dean Fredericks (PHANTOM PLANET, 1961 and LIGHT IN THE FOREST, 1958), to get him water, and Suba catches the wife, Tonda (aka Allison Hayes), in the act of tossing the strangled doll into a cabinet.  She slinks out onto the porch in her black dress and plays nice with the hubbie.  Still, she is distracted by the jungle drums, and she longs to take a walk into the trees.  The drums say that three white men approach (like the three main characters already introduced aren’t white?), and that one of them is injured.  The idea of white men gets Tonda all hot and bothered.  “Why should they not be allowed here?” she cries.  “We see no one.  It would be a nice change.”

A famous scene featuring Allison Hayes from DISEMBODIED.

In the jungle, surely enough, Suba takes shots at the three men, over their head to scare them away, but Tonda, intrigued by these strangers, slinks over to them and overrides her husband’s orders.  They bring the men into the rather lavish hut, and Dr. Carl gets to work on the lion-attack victim.  Dr. Carl, assisted by Tonda, operates on the man using his own techniques.  The leader of this exploration party is Tom Maxwell, played by tall, dark, and much handsomer than Dr. Carl, Paul Burke, star of the NAKED CITY TV series (1960-1963).  He runs into Tonda on his walk, and she explains “The natives are a very strange people.  They distrust what they do not understand.”  He says, “I’m rather curious by nature.  I don’t understand how a young, beautiful woman can be happy living out here in the jungle.”  She purrs back, “How do you know I’m happy.”  As he leaves, Suba emerges from the bushes, and Tonda accuses him of spying on her.  He says, “You make love to white man?  Maybe I tell the doctor.”  She starts to seduce Suba, and he calls her a “Bad, bad woman!”  Still, he kisses her passionately just in time for his wife to walk up to them.  Tonda finishes the kiss with a rough slap.  There’s a lot of slapping in this movie.

Tonda waits till her husband’s asleep, then she goes into the room of the injured man and performs voodoo jungle mojo  on him while he slumbers.  In minutes, she is in a sarong, writhing to the jungle drums, surrounded by dancing natives while Suba lays zombified on an altar.  The white men go into the jungle to watch the sweating, boogieing Tonda as she slaps Suba in the chest with a live chicken!  Then, she stabs a little doll of the injured man.

Voodoo can be lethal in THE DISEMBODIED.

In the morning, the two white men are shocked to find their buddy has almost completely recovered and his wounds are healed.  Even Dr. Carl seems surprised by the miraculous recovery.  Suba’s body is discovered by his wife, and she points the finger at Dr. Carl, who comforts her by slapping her.  The body looks like it was killed by a lion, except his heart was cut out.  Could it have something to do with Tonda, Suba, and the squawking chicken slap?  Hmm.

Deciding something is up, the jungle guide Gogi (Paul Thompson, star of numerous jungle non-epics) and the other white guy (played by Joel Marston of HEAVEN CAN WAIT, 1978 and THE LAST VOYAGE, 1960) decide to run back and get their Jeep, circle around the jungle, and pick up their injured friend.  This seems like a cue for Tonda to make nice-nice with Tom.  It also allows time for Tom and Dr. Carl to discuss voodoo and the transmigration of souls from one body to another.  Hmm again.

During a ceremony to help Suba’s soul pass on, the unconscious lion victim gets up and walks outside into the jungle to the ceremonial voodoo grounds.  When he approaches the newly widowed Mara, she recognizes something in him, even as he takes up a huge knife.  He goes after Tom, just as Tom and Tonda are playing tonsil hockey, and they fight until Tom knocks his friend, Joe, back into a coma.  When he regains his senses, he is speaking a jungle language which only Tonda understands.

Tonda weaves a deceptive web against her husband, framing him for the voodoo she willingly practices, making it look as if he hypnotizes her at night and forces her into the jungle.  Mara, in the meantime, figures out that her dead husband Suba’s soul is now in the white man Joe’s body.  She takes him away with her into the jungle.  When Gogi and the other white guy get back, they all decide to leave in the morning and consider Joe as dead.  When Tonda finds out everyone is leaving her alone with her husband the next day, she dons her sexiest outfit, sans bra but with a big knife on her belt, and she attempts to seduce Tom into taking her with him.  Her efforts pay off, and Tom vows to help her.  Next, she tries to convince Tom to murder her husband, using every seductive charm she possesses.  “Tom, you’ll do it.  You’ll do it because you love me.  Because you want me.”  Well, this is too much for Tom, and he gets a good slap on her face.  She cries, “Beat me if you want to, but don’t leave me.  Don’t hate me!”  So much for women’s liberation!

Will the men escape from the evil voodoo priestess or will they end up as jungle fodder?  Will Tonda convince Tom to kill Dr. Carl, or will he wise up to his wife before she does something else to him?  And just what happened to Suba’s soul in a white man, and his widow?  Before the movie is over, we’ll see knifings, betrayals, a spear in the Jeep, more seduction, more voodoo rituals, crazed bongo drummers, and hints about where Dr. Carl found Tonda.  Oh, and at least one more good slap across a face.

THE DISEMBODIED is a fun little movie, capably directed by Walter Grauman, who went on to a prolific television career, directing everything from STEVE CANYON to THE FUGITIVE to MURDER, SHE WROTE.  The low budget shows in the very few sets and the flat black and white photography, but everything is done as well as possible on a budget that wouldn’t cover the caterer on a Hollywood production of the Fifties.  The script was by Jack Townley, who penned this at the end of a long career in which he wrote 114 different movies and TV shows, and it’s a little slow, but there are a couple of nice twists, even if the dialogue is stilted.  Originally on a double bill with the killer tree island flick FROM HELL IT CAME (1957), this would have been a night of jungle terror that probably terrorized nobody except small children.

Let’s face it, the reason to see this is Allison Hayes in all her seductive glory.  Every move she makes is cat-like and sexualized.  Every glance contains a multitude of suggestive innuendos, and her voice is as smooth as velvet.  Plus, she looks terrific in a leopard print sarong and a halter top!  She’s so much fun, she makes up for any plot holes and slow spots in the film.

Allison Hayes in all her glory.

Sadly, Allison Hayes’ health deteriorated in the 1960s, and she died in 1977 due to blood poisoning caused by calcium supplements given to her by her doctor.  She was only 46 years old.

Warner Archive has issued a beautifully restored print of THE DISEMBODIED.

I give the film three chicken slaps out of four.

© Copyright 2012 by William D. Carl

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Lady Anachronism’s Fallout Shelter: THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK (1976)

Posted in 2012, 70s Horror, Apocalyptic Films, Lady Anachronism's Fallout Shelter, Mutants!, Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel Columns, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012 by knifefighter

“Lady Anachronism’s Fallout Shelter” Takes on
THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK (1976)
By Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel

Pull up a chair, pass around some rations, and get comfortable. Here at Lady Anachronism’s Fallout Shelter, I’ll take you back into time, when Atomic Age cats and dolls fretted over the bomb and visions of alien invaders flickered on the big screen at the local drive-in. Technological or political developments may have made these films obsolete, but I hope you’ll join me in rediscovering forgotten Cold War-era cinema.

THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK (1976) is a rare treat, a mélange of science fiction and horror, all while blatantly ripping off George Romero. Directed by Argentinian director Leon Klimovsky (THE WEREWOLF VERSUS THE VAMPIRE WOMAN, 1971), the film opens to a bright bedroom. Lily (Maria Perschy) is awakened by her husband, Victor (Tomas Pico). They have to plan for a party they’ll be throwing later that night.

The scene cuts to the office of a Russian ambassador. We know he’s Russian because he calls someone “comrade,” and there’s a picture of Lenin proudly displayed in his office. He’s speaking with someone on the telephone about leaving the country. We discover something bad might happen, but maybe not, at least according to the ambassador.

We move on to the party at Lily and Victor’s mansion in the countryside. Lily and Victor discuss who will be attending. It becomes clearer that this is going to be a kinky party. Doctors and businessmen, who are instructed to wear these bizarre rubber masks, are there to have a decadent meal with plenty of wine and narcotics—and a lovely selection of prostitutes to satisfy their needs. (For the under-18 or nudity-sensitive crowd, there is no explicit sex and only a small amount of nudity.)

Before things can get really kinky, the basement room where the Marquis de Sade-inspired debauchery was to take place begins to shake violently. The ceiling cracks open. The servants come in screaming, their eyes completely white. A pigeon crashes into the house, also devoid of its eyesight.

Dr. Fulton (Alberto de Mendoza) tells everyone he believes Europe has been hit by a nuclear bomb. The cellar-level bordello is the perfect place to hide out until it becomes clearer what steps they should take.

The following day, the men venture out to the village to gather supplies in a scene that looks remarkably like something straight out of THE LAST MAN ON EARTH (1964). While there, they discover everyone in the village is blind, suffering from some strange disease brought on by the nuclear fallout. In one of the stranger scenes, the men break into a grocery store to get some food. They’re accosted by the storeowner, who is blind and doing his best to protect his store. Victor, who seemingly lacks all human decency, takes out his switchblade and jabs it into the guy.

The rest of the men attempt to deliver some of their ill-gotten food to the monastery, where the blinded masses are moaning and wandering around aimlessly. Victor wants nothing to do with their sappy, bleeding-heart charity, and he steps outside to smoke a cigarette. Some of the blind villagers find him and grab at him like zombies. He begins shooting them, but Dr. Robertson (Ricardo Palacios) strangles him to death before he can hurt anyone else.

No one tells Lily what has happened to her husband, beyond the fact that he is dead, out of respect for Dr. Robertson. Even so, murdering Victor takes a toll on Dr. Robertson. He wanders around in a catatonic state for a while, but then starts acting like an animal. The rotund doctor even takes to crawling around the mansion on all fours in the nude. Dr. Messier (Emiliano Redondo) tries to comfort the nutcase with a transistor radio. The radio has been silent since the bomb hit, but Messier tells Robertson that perhaps one day the radio will play music again.

Fulton and the lovely Clara (Nadiuska, who is perhaps best known for her portrayal of Conan’s mother in 1982’s CONAN THE BARBARIAN), find love despite the horrifying circumstances. It’s actually a believable, beautiful relationship, a bond that lasts throughout the film.

The film features Paul Naschy, Spain’s answer to Lon Chaney, who also starred in Klimovsky’s THE WEREWOLF VERSUS THE VAMPIRE WOMAN. He portrays Bourne, a man with flared nostrils who is ready and willing to shoot, punch, or kick anything in sight. Between Bourne and the blind zombie-like folks, the members of the party are in a dangerous spot.

Meanwhile, the blind zombies are being led around by a man who was blind before the bomb struck. He instructs them to attack the members of the party. One woman has her eyes gouged out by the horde. Another is shot in the mouth.

Suddenly, the transistor radio begins playing music. An announcer comes on to tell the survivors of the blast where they should report for further instructions. Between the blind people and the shotgun wielding Bourne, the remaining party members must fight for their lives. Few succeed.

Fulton and Clara make it after escaping into the woods while the others fight it out among themselves and the zombie horde. They flag down a bus driven by two men in radiation suits. Fulton gives them his identification. The two board the bus, which is occupied by other healthy people.

I won’t give away the ending to those who are eager to see this Spanish delight, but it left me feeling cold and frustrated. This was an exceptionally good film with an ending that fell flat for me.

It is obvious Klimovsky was heavily influenced by NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) and THE OMEGA MAN (1971), or its predecessor THE LAST MAN ON EARTH. He brought his own style and vision to the table, and it makes for a refreshing take on the theme. The film is not without its plot holes. Some of the characters’ reactions to a horrifying situation don’t make much sense, but perhaps Klimovsky intended to demonstrate that people act irrationally when faced with a crisis. Despite its flaws, I highly recommend it.

© Copyright 2012 by Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel

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