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NIGHTMARE! Finally On DVD!

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, Drive-in Movies, DVD Review, Gore!, Grindhouse, Italian Horror, Nick Cato Reviews, Psychos, Slasher Movies, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , on August 11, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
FINALLY!  The Wait is OVER…
By Nick Cato

Most (if not all) of my faithful readers are sick and tired of hearing me go on about the 1981 slasher film NIGHTMARE (a.k.a. NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN).  I’ve been telling people about it since 1982, when I first saw it on a double bill with MOTHER’S DAY (1980), and I’ve had countless family members and friends sit through my well-worn VHS copy over the years.  And yet despite the digital video uprising, a proper DVD had not been released in America (those with turbo-DVD players had the option to buy a British DVD that has been on the market for several years).  Enter CODE RED DVD, a specialty DVD company who release deluxe editions of rare and seldom-seen horror, action, and comedy films.  Since 2007, CODE RED had been promising a DVD of NIGHTMARE, and due to too many factors to discuss here, it was continually placed on their back burner.  We die-hard fans visited CODE RED’s blog nearly every day, awaiting word, and were occasionally teased with pictures and info of the coming DVD extras.

AT LONG LAST: on July 26th of this year, NIGHTMARE was finally released in a 2-disc package that has already become as controversial as the film itself (sorry about the plug, but for a full review of the film, see my chapter in the book BUTCHER KNIVES AND BODY COUNTS— to be released shortly from Dark Scribe Press).

Before I get to the DVD review, newcomers should know that NIGHTMARE is a generic slasher film.  It’s low budget, features some less than stellar acting, and has a sequence or two of gabbing and walking around that the editors should’ve cut in half.  But what set NIGHTMARE apart from other “psycho-leaves-nuthouse-too-early” films is its grueling tone, its over-the-top splatter scenes (how this was released with an R rating is anyone’s guess), and an amazing performance by star Baird Stafford, who portrays George Tatum, a killer haunted by a vicious murder he committed at a young age.

NIGHTMARE instantly made the UK’s “Video Nasty” list, and there was much controversy over who was responsible for the disgusting special effects (there’s a few extras on this DVD that deal with the Tom Savini-issue…if you haven’t heard about this, Google it— or better yet, get the DVD).

Before I sat down to review this DVD, I read what some fans were saying about it and was surprised to see so much arguing.  Some praised the three (yep—three!) transfers of the film included here, while others claim CODE RED did a sloppy job with all of them.  I watched the entire film in its newest transfer (a 2011 telecine), which looked fine to me.  I then scanned through certain scenes on the 2008 high definition transfer and the 2005 “corrected telecine transfer approved by director Romano Scavolini.”  To be honest, there are differences, but I’m not one of those “VIDEO WATCHDOG” anal-retentive film inspectors who spends countless hours deciding if someone’s toe made it into a certain frame or not: to me they ALL look good, and I’m just happy to have this film preserved on a digital edition (hence, if YOU’RE an anal-retentive DVD freak, go check out the arguments happening on Amazon.com and various message boards.  Life’s too short for this nonsense, in my opinion).

The DVD itself is a lot of fun: the main menu boards feature moving scenes from the film (although I thought it was a bit too spoiler-ish to show the intense finale on one of these) and each board is easy to navigate (as far as I know there are no “Easter Eggs” here).  Among the extras is a VERY informative audio commentary with star Baird Stafford and make-up effects man Cleve Hall.  There’s a very nice “Making Of” feature with more from Stafford and Hall, as well as ex-distributor Tom Ward.  But perhaps the most sought-after extra here is an interview with special effects maestro Ed French,  who gives his side of the Tom Savini story (again, Google this if you’re interested).  It’s a bit short, but good.  There are also two NIGHTMARE trailers, one that I hadn’t seen before.

NOW, where CODE RED has annoyed some fans: While it’s true that we NIGHTMAREians have haunted Code Red to release this film for years, one of the main reasons (besides financial) was the inability to have a 90-minute interview with the director translated and/or subtitled.  Yet the interview is included here in Italian–I’m assuming CODE RED did this to break our chops (and after you see the sarcastic blurbs and synopsis they’ve placed on the front and back of the DVD case, you just might agree).  I’m guessing those who aren’t die-hard fans of the film might get pissed off over this…personally, I found it funny.  TRUE, I’d like to hear what Romano Scavolini has to say about his only horror film, I guess I’ll have to wait until I can convince my grandmother to come over and translate for me…

Was the wait for this DVD worth it?  For me, while someone could’ve released it without all the extras and I’d still be happy, having the aforementioned commentaries and especially the Making Of feature was WELL worth the wait.  And although I actually spoke to Tom Savini at a 1985 FANGORIA convention about his involvement with the film, it was nice to hear two other sides of the story (and all three basically mesh).

If you have a cast iron stomach and want to see a gore film that’s actually spooky at times, give NIGHTMARE a shot; aside from the first EVIL DEAD (1982), it’s the one horror film where the splatter actually ADDED to the chills and caused a disturbing atmosphere.  I also believe any serious horror film DVD collector should have this seldom-seen gem in their collection (while they still can).

Now let me see what grandma is up to…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

George Tatum (Baird Stafford) dons a creepy old man mask, then checks to see if anyone's home in NIGHTMARE (1981).

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BLACK SHAMPOO!

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2011, Blaxploitation, Chainsaws!, Exploitation Films, Grindhouse, Soft-core, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, The Mob, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , on June 9, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES: Modern Memories
Hair Salons and Chainsaws!
By Nick Cato

Brooklyn’s “reRun Gastropub Theater” was the setting on Wednesday, June 1st for a screening of the 1976 blaxploitation classic, BLACK SHAMPOO. The reRun Theater is a fun little indie cinema, located in the back of a trendy restaurant. Its stadium-styled seating is made up of 60 seats ripped from mini vans (!), and a full bar with snacks are located right alongside them. A 12-foot screen features digitally projected, locally made films as well as independent features from around the world (so, if you’re ever in NYC I strongly suggest a visit). Back in January, I had the pleasure of viewing Alejandro Jodorowsky’s SANTA SANGRE (1989) here, and the picture and sound were phenomenal.

The BLACK SHAMPOO screening was actually part of author Mike White’s book tour (his collection of pieces from his long-running fanzine, “Cashiers du Cinemart,” has been compiled in a hefty volume titled IMPOSSIBLY FUNKY [2010 Bear Manor Media]—and although I’m only halfway through it I can HIGHLY recommend it to any serious film geek). Mike has a large section dedicated to the film BLACK SHAMPOO (his all-time favorite movie), featuring commentary and interviews with a few of the films’ stars, as well as director Greydon Clark (who is responsible for countless 70s/80s exploitation classics, such as SATAN’S CHEERLEADERS (1977), WITHOUT WARNING (1980) and the infamous arcade sex comedy, JOY STICKS (1983)). While Mike did a brief intro for the film and a reading/book signing afterwards, it was the film that was the highlight of the evening.

This was my first screening of BLACK SHAMPOO, and as a life-long fan of the blaxploitation genre, I can safely say you’ll be hard pressed to find a more entertaining, funny, violent and downright FUNKY film. While the first 20 minutes play out like a really bad 70s porn film (complete with some of the coolest music ever to grace this type of feature), BLACK SHAMPOO soon turns into a hybrid love/gangster/revenge story complete with everything we psychotronic film fans love about these types of films: stereotypical black men and women and stereotypical gay hairdressers that would probably cause a protest were they done this way today; a party sequence that’s so out of place it almost gives the film a surreal edge; insane violence that includes chainsaw mayhem, pool cue mayhem and a mob-orchestrated curling-iron anal rape shakedown (you read that correctly); deplorable acting; and so much more, it’s hard to remember half of what went down after just one viewing.

The film centers around Mr. Jonathan, the owner of “Mr. Jonathan’s” hair salon on the Sunset Strip. His reputation as the ultimate ladies man has caused an endless line of women to book appointments for his “services.” And while he’s in the private back room “shampooing” his clients, the front of the place features women having their hair done by Mr. Jonathan’s staff, which includes Artie and Richard, two gay hairdressers who are done so over the top you can’t help but laugh every second they’re on the screen (fans of “classic dialogue” would do well to keep a pad and pen on hand during the entire film).

Mr. Jonathan gets so much action he actually begins to find shagging a real chore (even when two seemingly underage rich white girls seduce him during a house call…only to get their butts whipped by their mom’s belt for stealing her appointment [in a sequence that brings the “roughie” films of the early 70s to mind]. The mother then goes on to shag Mr. Jonathan as the two girls watch from the pool!).

After all this opening soft-core madness, BLACK SHAMPOO gets down to business. It seems the new black secretary at the salon has actually run away from her white mob “boyfriend,” who has kept her in his mansion as a modern day sex slave. When Mr. Jonathan catches wind of this, he takes his new receptionist, Brenda, out on a date and the two quickly fall in love. When the mob finds out Brenda’s whereabouts, they come down to the salon and trash the place (after kicking Artie’s poor little white ass in one of the most unconvincing “fight” scenes ever filmed). Brenda’s ex-boyfriend turns out to be underworld kingpin Mr. Wilson (an amazingly non-stereotypical name for a gangster), who is now on a mission to get Brenda back. He employs three of the goofiest goons ever to grace a trash film (Maddux, appropriately nick-named “Schumck;” an unnamed, tall black guy who looks like he played for the Knicks in the mid-70s; and a hysterical chauffer who has a few scene-stealing lines and actions).

Feeling guilty over the beating Artie took (which left him in a neck brace) and the trashing of the salon, Brenda goes back to the mob’s mansion. Mr. Jonathan—by way of a mob “invite”—takes a trip to the mansion so Mr. Wilson can explain that Brenda’s now back where she belongs—and Brenda seems happy about it. Confused and pissed off, Mr. Jonathan heads out to his cabin in the woods to get his head together—and Brenda eventually meets him there with Mr. Wilson’s top secret book of money laundering information. Before long, the mob catches wind of this, and we’re all set for a bloody-good showdown in the woods.

BLACK SHAMPOO is unlike any blaxploitation film out there, mainly due to the character of Mr. Jonathan. He’s not a cop or pimp ala SHAFT (1971) and DOLEMITE (1975), just a heterosexual hairdresser who happens to be quite handy with a chainsaw and pool cue. And while his onscreen persona is actually quite boring (John Daniels has the acting skills of a parking meter), for some strange reason the audience revels in his booty-shaggin, belly-slashing schtick.

I mean, come on folks: what other film features a chainsaw-wielding black hairdresser dishing it out to the mob after laying pipe on half of Hollywood? Mr. Jonathan just may be the COOLEST blaxploitation character of all time (I’ll let you all know if this holds up to repeated viewings as good as DOLEMITE, the granddaddy of all blaxploitation films). Also, major kudos for a sonically-funky soundtrack that will stay in your head long after the film concludes.

I also recommend watching BLACK SHAMPOO with an audience of like-minded fans: while I’m sure I would have loved this had I watched it alone on DVD, I’m not sure how many non-fans of this subgenre will be won over by it.

But I still say give it a shot. Until next time, I’m off to the salon . . .

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

NOTE: For more about Mike White and his book IMPOSSIBLY FUNKY, check out his site: http://impossiblefunky.blogspot.com/

 

Mr. Jonathan (John Daniels) is seduced by two rich white girls, Meg (Kelly Beau) and Peg (Marl Pero) in BLACK SHAMPOO.

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: THE MUTILIATOR (1985)

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, 80s Horror, Gore!, Grindhouse, Nick Cato Reviews, Psychos, Serial Killer flicks, Slasher Movies, Sleaze, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , on May 26, 2011 by knifefighter

Suburban Grindhouse Memories Presents:
By Sword, By Pick, By Axe, BYE BYE!
By Nick Cato

When you were a sophomore in high school, and a horror fan, sophomoric horror films were always a sure-fire hit.  The bluntly titled THE MUTILATOR (1985) was no exception.

The audience didn’t know what to make of the opening sequence, where a young kid accidentally shoots his mother (through the kitchen wall) while he polishes his dad’s hunting rifles as part of a birthday present.  Despite his good intentions, his father comes home to find his wife bleeding to death and his son standing there with a rifle.  The kid manages to run away after his old man lays a beating on him, but the kid sneaks back and spies his father having a birthday drink with the mother’s corpse.  Call me sick, but I laughed so loud at the absurdity of this scene a friend of mine elbowed my side, causing half of my valuable popcorn to fall onto the sticky floor.

Shot under the working title FALL BREAK, I’m assuming director Buddy Cooper changed the title when he realized his generic slasher film sounded too much like a generic teenage T&A beach movie.  Either way, THE MUTILATOR’s “plot” jumps ahead to the aforementioned kid now grown up, hanging with his friends, when he gets a phone call from his father.  Seems his old man wants his son (who he hasn’t spoken to in years) to help him shut down his isolated condo for the winter…and of course his son’s bored friends egg him on to do it (figuring they’ll use the place to party while they’re there).

It doesn’t take long for the body count to begin, and being we know who the killer is three minutes into the film, there are no surprises, no tension, and absolutely NO scares.

But what THE MUTILATOR does have going for it (if you’re a slasher film completist, anyway) are classic 80s gore sequences, including a guy gutted via outboard motor, some poor girl having a fishing gaff shoved into her crotch, plus various decapitations and amputations via axe, pick, and nearly anything else this kid’s crazed old man could get his hands on.

While I don’t know how this holds up on home video (I’ve only seen it once upon it’s initial 1985 theatrical release), THE MUTILATOR—for a film with such little suspense—managed to have the crowd screaming and cheering for more inventive (and graphic) kill scenes.  Thinking back on it now, I’m sure if there were any psychiatrists in the audience they must’ve thought we had all flipped our lids.  But at the time, this was a bloody good time for any high school horror fan.

(SPOILER ALERT!) ***

If any film had an ending that’s nearly as silly, twisted, and ridiculous as PIECES (1982), it’s the conclusion to THE MUTILATOR.  After our slasher is cut in half at the waist (!), he manages to hack a policeman’s leg off with his handy axe, even though his guts are strewn all over the dirt floor.  We all laughed.  Some booed.  But in 1985, the blood-hungry crowd still left my local suburban grindhouse oddly satisfied.

Director Buddy Cooper (who I met at a 1989 Fangoria convention in NYC) didn’t set out to break any new ground, and in fact his directing is nothing to write home about (the film also suffers from some horrendous lighting and acting).  But what Buddy did was create a fun, gory slasher film that audiences were craving at the time…and while THE MUTILATOR is forgettable (except for the ending), I’m glad to have seen it in it’s prime.  (There’s an “extreme uncut version” DVD available…but without a cheering, shouting, giggling audience, a home viewing can’t be half as fun…)

-END-

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

 

It’s hard keeping your head on straight (or at all!) in THE MUTILATOR (1985)

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CKF on the Edge: HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

Posted in 2011, CKF On the Edge, Dark Comedies, Extreme Movies, Gore!, Grindhouse, LL Soares Reviews, Vigilantes, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , on May 24, 2011 by knifefighter

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN (2011)
Movie review by L.L. Soares

When Rutger Hauer first appears, riding a train car into town, in HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN, you have no idea how much of a wild ride you’re in for. Unless you know the movie’s backstory. Back in 2007, the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez team-up flick GRINDHOUSE was making the rounds, bringing back the movie double-feature and the spirit of the 1970s grindhouses. Part of the package was a bunch of fake trailers for totally insane movies. The funny thing is, some of these have been made into actual films. The first was Rodriguez’s MACHETE (2010). Now, we’ve got HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. If you don’t remember seeing that particular trailer when you saw GRINDHOUSE, it’s because the trailer only played in the Canadian version. But it’s been a Youtube  sensation since.

The beginning has a real 1970s vibe, from the music to the time-worn weariness of Hauer’s face in that boxcar. But that changes fast. I was kind of hoping for a homage to 70s vigilante flicks like DEATH WISH (1974) and WALKING TALL (1973), but HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN has more in common with those over-the-top Troma films of the 80s. In a way, I was sad to see it get so bizarre and unreal so quickly, in another way, it never stopped being a fun flick. And a big part of that is Hauer’s performance. You can tell this is a man who used to be an A-list actor, since fallen on hard times, just like that Hobo.

So Rutger Hauer walks into town, and finds himself in the middle of hell. The first person he sees is a guy filming bum fights, offering Hauer a ten dollar bill to join in. People openly brutalize other people in the streets, and the proceedings are lorded over by the town kingpin, Drake, who turns all this carnage into a kind of reality show. When someone crosses him, he puts a manhole cover around their necks, drops them into an open sewer, and then decapitates them using a barbed wire noose and the fender of a speeding car or motorcycle. His thug sons hold guns on the onlookers, demanding they applaud  the goings-on.

This sounds awful grim on paper (or on a computer screen), but it’s played so over-the-top that it’s downright cartoony (is that Troma honcho Lloyd Kaufman I see among the bystanders?), and that’s kind of what saves this film from being a complete downer.

The Hobo is one of the witnesses to “The Drake Show” and he is horrified by the utter anarchy that surrounds him. This is even worse than the Wild West. Anyone can die at any time, and many do. The majority of the populace are so horrified, they don’t lift a finger to stop things, and most of the police force are on Drake’s payroll.

The Hobo has a dream. He is going to buy a lawnmower at a local pawn shop. He is going to start his own business and stop traveling the rails. He is going to settle down and make a home for himself. What the hell is this guy thinking? This is not the kind of place where you settle down!

After being brutalized himself, and saving the life of a prostitute, who almost becomes another casualty at the hands of Drake’s son Slick (the other son, Ivan, is a complete idiot muscleboy who gets high on hurting people), the Hobo decides to fight back. Instead of that lawn-mower, he buys a shotgun on the wall for the same price. And then he goes about using it.

He starts to make news. He’s single-handedly starting to clean up this hellhole. One man begins to make a difference. Drake is so infuriated he first declares it open season on homeless people, hoping to get rid of the Hobo, then he hires a couple of metal-clad killers who call themselves The Plague to finish things (they look like two low-rent Iron Man wannabes).

The performances are actually pretty good for this kind of thing. I already sang the praises of Hauer, who is pretty much the main reason HOBO exists. Throughout this movie, I found myself wondering why we don’t see him more in big budget Hollywood pictures. He’s certainly good enough.

Brian Downey as the evil Drake is a force of nature. This is a role that is pretty one-dimensionally evil, and could be annoying, but Downey is just terrific. He pretty much steals every scene he’s in, and is a lot of fun, in his own psychotic way. A movie villain can make or break a movie like this, and Downey does his part to make HOBO work.

Molly Dunsworth, as the hooker Abby, is also pretty good. She’s the one Hauer’s hobo decides to protect, and while their relationship isn’t really a romantic one, she makes you believe that Hauer would be so concerned about her welfare. And when the going gets tough, she’s not afraid to help with the fighting.

Director Jason Eisener (with a script he wrote with John Davies and Rob Cotterill), took a simple concept, originally meant to be a joke, and turned it into an entertaining feature film. It’s not a great work of art, but it’s not meant to be. It’s a lot of gore and violence and vengeance, and we’ve seen this kind of thing before, but somehow, it works, in the same way that over-the-top gore cartoons that have been coming out of Japan lately, like TOKYO GORE POLICE and MACHINE GIRL (both from 2008) work. Live-action cartoons where anything can happen, and the camera lens gets splashed with blood a few times along the way.

If you’re into this kind of thing, then you’ll dig HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. It’s like eating your dessert before dinner, but don’t expect it to have much in the way of nutrients. If this sounds pretty awful to you, then just avoid it. It’s not meant for you, anyway.

Me, I give it three knives.

© Copyright 2011 by L.L. Soares

Note: HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN has been playing some film festivals around the country and is currently available on cable OnDemand in some cities. I’m not sure if it will get an actual theatrical release or if it will go straight to DVD.


Rutger Hauer is mad as hell in HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN.

LL Soares gives HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN – 3 knives

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HELLDRIVER

Posted in 2011, Asian Horror, Colleen Wanglund Reviews, Geisha of Gore Reviews, Japanese Horror, VIOLENCE!, Zombies with tags , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by knifefighter

HELLDRIVER (2010)
Movie Review by Colleen Wanglund, the Geisha of Gore


Yoshihiro Nishimura has done it again folks! In his first solo directorial outing since TOKYO GORE POLICE (2008), Nishimura has delivered another blood-soaked splatterific gore fest courtesy of Sushi Typhoon. For those who don’t know, Sushi Typhoon is the brainchild of Yoshinori Chiba for Nikkatsu Studios. On April 28 my daughter and I attended the New York premiere of HELLDRIVER (2010) at the Japan Society. The version we got to see was the Director’s Cut…..sixteen extra minutes that won’t be in the general release. The event, co-sponsored by Subway Cinema, was for charity with proceeds going to the Japan Earthquake Relief Fund which was established in the wake of the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear disaster that occurred in March. Following the screening, there was a Q & A with guests Nishimura and Eihi Shiina (AUDITION {1999}, TOKYO GORE POLICE {2008})—the movie’s Zombie Queen—along with a party that featured the Brooklyn death metal band Vaura, some delicious food, and plenty of Sapporo….and I got one as soon as I could to get to the bar.

Okay, now on to the movie!

Kika (Yumiko Hara) is a teenage girl viciously abused by her psychotic mother Rikka (Eihi Shiina) and Uncle Yasushi (Kentaro Kishi). Kika storms off after witnessing Rikka and Uncle feasting on her father’s legs. Yes, Rikka and Uncle are cannibals….this is one seriously twisted family. Rikka goes after Kika and during the mother/daughter showdown a meteor strikes Rikka dead center in the chest, leaving quite a hole in her anatomy. Enraged, Rikka rips the still-beating heart out of Kika’s chest and sticks it in the hole, where it attaches itself. Rikka is then taken over by a starfish-shaped creature and the newly born zombie spews an ash-like substance into the air, infecting the inhabitants of the surrounding area and creating more zombies.

Miraculously, Kika survives and is taken to a hospital where even the doctor (Marc Walkow doing his best not to butcher his Japanese) is amazed at the girl’s survival. Cut to scenes of Tokyo—chaos ensues in the wake of the encroaching apocalypse. Refugees have flooded the city and food and shelter are at a premium. People are eating all manner of things and one particular gaijin is aggravated to all hell (Norman England). A militarized wall has been erected separating the human south from the zombie north and politicians and regular folk alike are debating the status of the zombie population.

Some time has passed and Kika has been dumped at the wall that splits Japan in two. She is discovered by Taku (Yurei Yanagi) and his companion No Name, or Nanashi (Mizuki Kusuki). Kika is now equipped with a mechanical heart that also powers one of the most badass weapons I’ve ever seen in a movie, a chainsaw samurai sword! Seriously, I want one of my own. Taku takes Kika back to the orphanage, explaining that money is tight so he does what he can. This includes sneaking into the zombie territory to acquire something that the Yakuza will pay top dollar for. Swept up in a raid, the three companions are given a choice—“volunteer” to go on a mission to destroy the Zombie Queen or….well, die.

Our “volunteers” are dropped into the zombie zone and are immediately attacked by zombies. A former cop decked out like a cowboy (Kazuki Namioka) comes to their aid driving a truck that’s ready for battle. He takes the group to what looks like a bizarre club. Seems they’re trying to establish their own society behind that wall. There are human survivors that the zombies have rounded up and among them is No Name’s sister. And who runs this zombie establishment, you might ask? None other than zombie Uncle. Fights break out and the blood spray is plentiful. I mean, that IS what you see a Nishimura film for, right? There’s even a chase scene involving a very imaginative vehicle. When our little band of misfits finally reaches their destination they’re in for a big surprise….and I mean BIG! The only complaint I have is that the opening scenes of Kika rescuing some poor sap from the zombies after he falls off the wall don’t fit with the rest of the movie once it’s run all of the way through. It’s still a really fun sequence, though.

HELLDRIVER is one heck of a good movie. It’s just what I expect from Nishimura’s movies—gore, comedy, and plenty of carnage to go around. The characters are just as outrageous as the makeup effects, which are phenomenal. Yumiko Hara is beautiful as the damaged teenage protagonist Kika, displaying a believable strength and tenacity in the character. The gore-geous Eihi Shiina plays Rikka, both before and after her transformation into the Zombie Queen, with wicked glee. And I can’t say enough about Kentaro Kishi who seems to relish playing the very demented Uncle Yasushi. There are also appearances by Nishimura regulars Cay Izumi as a pregnant zombie (and as Yumiko Hara’s stand-in for some bizarre pole-dancing), Asami as a wall guard and director Takashi Shimizu (JU-ON series, MAREBITO [2004], REINCARNATION [2005]) as a man looking for his zombified wife. Director Iguchi Noboru also makes a brief appearance but I won’t spoil it by telling you what it is.

In addition to being the director of HELLDRIVER, Yoshihiro Nishimura is the screenwriter (along with Daichi Nagisa), editor, character designer and special makeup effects supervisor. Even with all of those jobs on his plate he managed to film the movie in only two weeks! Along with special effects makeup artist Taiga Ishino and visual effects artist Tsuyoshi Kazuno, Nishimura created some beautiful and unique zombies. Unlike the usual shamblers of Western zombie fare, Nishimura’s zombies have distinct expressions and facial features, as well as markedly colorful and psychedelic costumes. The “horns” on the zombies’ heads are a nod to the annual Yubari Fantastic Fest which is where HELLDRIVER had its first screening. The small town of Yubari in Hokkaido is known for its expensive melons—I’m talking fruit, people—and the horns are identical to the stems of the melons. There’s also a giant melon marking the Yubari Fantastic Fest in the movie.

HELLDRIVER is a revenge road movie and it’s chock full of social and political satire. The zombies aren’t just swarming the northern part of Japan looking for food, they are establishing their own culture with the Zombie Queen as their monarch. The humans in the southern part of the country are arguing over and protesting for or against “zombie rights”. We see a Catholic priest advocating for inclusion of the zombies—they were human once—even hiding a few in Tokyo. There is a sub-plot involving a government coup with Prime Minister Hatoda (Minoru Torihada) going so far as holding a press conference in front of the wall (which doesn’t go very well) while his potential successor Osawa (Guadalcanal Taka) is pushing for the outright annihilation of the zombies. I loved the public service announcement about the dangers of the zombies and the laws put in place by the government…it was hilarious!

The Geisha of Gore and director Yoshihiro Nishimura ham it up at the New York premiere of HELLDRIVER.

What I also saw in HELLDRIVER is the subtext of family—both those related to us by blood and those people who come into our lives by chance and become family. Rikka, Uncle and Kika are a family—as messed up as they are. No Name is searching for his sister, and there are a brother (Takumi Saito) and sister (Asami) among the wall guards. People are searching for their family members even though they might be zombies and Kika becomes part of another family when Taku takes her into the orphanage, no questions asked. Yosihiro Nishimura even has his daughter playing a zombie!

The special effects are, as usual, over-the-top and fantastic to see. Nishimura took great care in his character design and it shows. While most of the gore acts as a comedic device, there were a few times where it felt, to me at least, a bit darker than Nishimura tends to go. In a scene where Uncle has No-name’s sister tied to a chair in a room of the club, Nishimura takes a stab at the phenomenon of cutting among young Japanese women. While he’s done this in all of his movies, it was always intentional in-your-face satire whereas in HELLDRIVER he seemed to employ a more subtle and seemingly more serious jab with just a lingering shot of the girl’s arm covered in red scars. I also felt the manner in which the sister is attacked by Uncle has a darker and more sinister feel than what I’m used to.

There’s another scene where the priest going on about “zombie rights” brings someone to a room where he’s been hiding zombies. The door opens and a group of zombies in a darkened room turn to face the humans and something that may be food is thrown in to distract them. While the placards the zombies wear with their names on them are funny this is another case where I felt the humor was overshadowed by a more serious quality. I’ve always loved the comedic aspect of Nishimura’s horror, but I liked the more serious and sinister aspects. It adds a new depth to his splatter-comedy style and I hope it continues. It throws an uncomfortable curve at the viewer…and horror should have some measure of discomfort for its viewers.

As I’ve said I took my daughter with me and she’s not the biggest fan of this type of film. She thought character development was lacking, with some characters just being flat. Darlene is mixed on the special effects with some of it looking good and some of it cheesy, but she did like the originality Nishimura employed for the zombies. She also thought the story was thin and some of the scenes went on too long. She gives it two stars out of five….she liked MUTANT GIRLS SQUAD (2009) better. Other than that she had a good time. Darlene isn’t the fan girl geek that I am. And she insisted I add her opinion of HELLDRIVER and she usually gets what she wants out of me.

(from l to r) Yoshihiro Nishimura, Colleen's daughter Darlene and Eihi Shiina

Prior to the film, announcements were made regarding the lineup for the New York Asian Film Festival and the overlapping Japan Cuts series in July…and I can’t wait to go! HELLDRIVER was then introduced by Marc Walkow of Subway Cinema, Nishimura and the film’s star Eihi Shiina. In the intro Nishimura stressed that HELLDRIVER was made almost a year ago and in no way was any kind of statement about the disaster in Japan. It was a bit bizarre to see that some aspects of the movie’s storyline mirror the aftermath of the earthquake….location and destruction, mostly, but some of the politics as well. There was a Q & A session after the movie, which began with Nishimura wearing his trademark fundoshi (that’s a traditional Japanese undergarment for men) making his way along a row of seats while swinging a zombie baby over his head by its umbilical cord. I can’t make this stuff up, people. He was joined on-stage by Marc Walkow, also in a fundoshi, and Eihi Shiina, who remained fully clothed—much to the chagrin of most of the men in attendance, I imagine. There were questions about HELLDRIVER but quite a few fans wanted to ask Ms. Shiina about AUDITION and many held up DVD copies of the Takashi Miike masterpiece. She even gave a quick re-enactment of sorts of the famous “kiri, kiri, kiri” from AUDITION’s torture scene.

Afterward the theater emptied out into the lobby where there was plenty of food and Sapporo. Autographs were signed and pictures were taken. I was thrilled to finally get to meet Eihi Shiina, and she signed my DVD of AUDITION! This was her first trip to New York and to the United States. It was very cool to meet Nishimura again and see Marc, and of course I enjoyed a nice night hanging out with my daughter Darlene.

I must thank my friend Norman England, who did the English subtitling for HELLDRIVER, and Marc Walkow for their help….and huge thanks to Norman for the use of one of his set photos.

© Copyright 2011 by Colleen Wanglund

HELLDRIVER behind-the-scenes set photo © copyright - Sushi Typhoon/Nikkatsu Studios


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SUPER!

Posted in 2011, Campy Movies, Dark Comedies, Superheroes, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2011 by knifefighter

SUPER (2011)
Movie Review by L.L. Soares

On first glance, SUPER, the new movie by director James Gunn, might seem like a low-rent version of the other recent superhero-with-no-powers film, KICK-ASS (2010), but that would be selling it short. Not only did Gunn write the screenplay for this project years ago (it took him until now to finally get it made), but it takes the whole “average guy who becomes a superhero” concept to an even more depressing level. That might turn some people off, but personally, I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Frank Darbo (the great Rainn Wilson, who most people will know as Dwight Schrute from the NBC comedy series, THE OFFICE), is a down-on-his-luck short order cook, who really has nothing going on in his life until he meets Sarah (Liv Tyler), a waitress at the diner where he works. Somehow, his quirkiness appeals to her and they get married, but it doesn’t last long. One day, Sarah just leaves and takes all her clothes with her, to move in with the drug dealer, Jacques (Kevin Bacon). It turns out Sarah was a former addict and has gone back to her old ways, and Jacques is more than happy to supply the drugs. Poor Frank.

A broken man, Frank has no idea what to do with his life. Was he put here for any purpose at all, besides flipping burgers? And then it comes to him in a vision (oh yeah, Frank also has religious visions sometimes), that he should devote himself to fighting crime, after he sees a Christian superhero program on TV called “The Holy Avenger.” In the show, the Holy Avenger (Nathan Fillion), fights the villainous devil, Demonswill (played by James Gunn himself!) for the souls of a bunch of high school kids. Frank takes this show (and a sequence where his brain appears to be touched by the finger of God), as a sign of what direction his life should be going.

He makes a costume which was shown to him in his vision, and takes on the moniker “The Crimson Bolt” (his costume is long red underwear and a mask). And he goes to a local comic book store to do research on how he should tackle his new profession. There, he meets Libby (Ellen Page, who most people know from 2007′s JUNO), who works there. Libby is more than happy to point him in the right direction when he asks about superheroes who don’t have powers, and he loads up on comic books.

Armed with a monkey wrench, The Crimson Bolt stalks the streets looking to stomp out criminals, with a hearty shout of “Shut Up, Crime!” He becomes something of a local celebrity, attacking drug dealers and various low-level criminals. But when he attacks someone at a movie theater for cutting in line, it appears that he might be taking his zealousness a bit too far.

Frank struggles with his sanity, wanting to give up his secret identity as Crimson Bolt and going back to a normal life, but he’s already gone beyond the point of turning back. He decides that his main mission will be to confront Jacques and his goons and get Sarah back.

However, he doesn’t really plan on what to do when someone shoots guns at him.

After getting shot, Frank goes to Libby’s apartment for help, (he doesn’t know who else to turn to) and she desperately tries to convince him to take her on as his sidekick. She even has a costume all made and a list of names for her heroine (she decides on “Boltie”).

Frank, meanwhile, appears to sink even deeper into madness and is determined to attack Jacques at his fenced off estate. Boltie damands to go along. And so they head off to free Sarah.

SUPER is a very dark comedy, with some very funny scenes, as well as some gory ones. Somehow, the movie does a good job of balancing the comedy and the violence. Part of this is the great script and direction by James Gunn. He wrote the screenplays for TROMEO AND JULIET (1996), the movie version of SCOOBY DOO (2002) and the remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004), however, it’s his last movie as writer and director, SLITHER (2006), that you should really check out. SLITHER also had a mix of comedy and horror that worked quite well.

The cast is another big plus here. Rainn Wilson is pretty much perfect as sad sack Frank. You actually believe that this misfit would don a superhero costume and believe he could make a difference in the world. Liv Tyler is believable as Sarah – you can see her innocence shining beneath the bottoming-out drug addict. Kevin Bacon as the villainous Jacques and Michael Rooker as his main thug, Abe, also turn in great performances, and Bacon especially seems to be having a lot of fun with the role.

My favorite character, aside from Frank, would easily be Ellen Page as Boltie. She just has a kind of goofy joy in her scenes. She has a very quirky sense of humor, but also a manic glee when they’re fighting criminals. In one scene she literally jumps up and down and laughs uncontrollably at the fact that she is actually a costumed superhero. Her enthusiasm is hilarious, and contagious.

There’s also a strange sexual tension between Frank and Libby. She is obviously attracted to him, but he is very repressed and religious and asserts that he is still a married man, despite the fact that Sarah left him without a second thought. The scenes where this tension manifests are awkward and uncomfortable – but for that reason seem completely believable.

There are some pretty grim moments in the film, but I thought they worked quite well. And overall, the movie really won me over. I really had no idea what to expect from SUPER, and I was pleasantly surprised.

SUPER had a brief run in theaters (mostly arthouse joints), but is currently available on OnDemand on Comcast (and may be available on your cable system as well). If so, it’s definitely worth checking out!

If I had to rate this one, I’d probably give it three and a half knives.

© Copyright 2011 by L.L. Soares


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Suburban Grindhouse Memories Goes To PIECES

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, 80s Horror, Drive-in Movies, Gore!, Nick Cato Reviews, Slasher Movies, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES: When Slashers Became Absurd
By Nick Cato

“You Don’t Have To Go To Texas For a Chainsaw Massacre!”

With a poster blurb like that (not to mention the artwork), what horror fan wouldn’t be lured into the theater in less than a second?  And in 1982, my gang of high school freshman gorehounds and I hit the (you guessed it—now defunct) Rae Twin Cinema (where waiting in line to get in was often scarier than the film you were waiting to see: an adjacent OTB was often the scene of fights, ticked-off, bottle-tossing losers and drug deals gone awry).

You’ve heard of a “so-bad-it’s-good” movie?  Well, PIECES is a “so-bad-it’s-mind-boggling-awesome!” masterpiece.

Some poor eight-year-old’s mother finds his puzzle of a naked woman (and his stash of porn magazines hidden in his toy chest), but instead of throwing them out, the nag burns them right in front of the poor, young perv.  Furious, the kid decides his mother has earned herself an axe in the head and wastes no time making his dream a reality.  To say the audience went wild with laughter and gasps is an understatement.

In following the traditional slasher-film pattern, the movie then flash forwards forty years (to 1983), where there’s been a string of murders on a college campus.  Some psycho has been chain-sawing female victims, taking different parts from each one and leaving a string of amputees.  Christopher George (you’ve seen him in Fulci’s CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD (1980), as well as 1981′s GRADUATION DAY), Frank Brana, and Christopher’s wife, Linda Day George, all play detectives and head an all-star trash film cast, including  Paul Smith of MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (1978) and CRIMEWAVE (1985), and Jess Franco alumni Jack Taylor.  The nearly-inept screenplay was co-written by Dick Randall, who was responsible for a bunch of EMANUELLE and kung-fu films.

Oh yes, there’s also a host of cute college girls who get chainsawed and sliced & diced with more nudity than your average genre outing.  PIECES—as another poster blurb states—is “Exactly What You think It Is!”  The film never hid the fact that it was simply an excuse to show excessive gore, and as a young gorehound, I was in my glory here, especially when the camera didn’t cut away during one kill scene where we actually see a chainsaw cut through a victim’s mid-section.  While I didn’t find this sequence too entertaining during a recent DVD viewing, it sent me into a state of gorehound glee when viewed at this 1982 opening night screening.  With the exception of 1970’s THE WIZARD OF GORE (which I wouldn’t see until a few years after this, thanks to VHS), no other horror film (including the original version of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE) actually showed the audience something this graphic before.

To be honest, PIECES is an awful, pointless mess of a movie, existing only to exploit gore and nudity: (i.e. it’s a teenage-boy’s-night-out type of film—and being a teenaged boy at the time, it was right up my alley!).

So while modern viewers can forget about any kind of story here, they can still thrill to Linda Day George—after she is too late to save a victim—scream the word “Bastard!” about 5 times in a row, in what could easily qualify for the worst piece of dialogue and acting ever committed to celluloid.  They can also have fun trying to figure out how the killer is able to sneak a 2-foot long chainsaw onto a tiny elevator simply by hiding it behind his back, right in front of his next victim (despite its ridiculousness, the scene is actually quite claustrophobic and cringe-worthy).

And next to the gore and nudity, the creators of PIECES also thought it’d be good to feature a bizarre foot fetish scene, a wacky karate instructor, a killer who dresses like he’s in a serious Giallo film and some scared girl peeing her pants.  (I should mention here that Italian exploitation/porn film icon Joe D’Amato was one of the three screenwriters…if his name’s unfamiliar, Google him—but don’t say I didn’t warn you).

Spoiler Alert! This Spanish-shot film (that tries to fool audiences into thinking this is all happening somewhere in America) has one of the most ridiculous endings next to THE MUTILATOR (1985).  It seems our killer (GASP!) happens to be the boy who had his porno puzzle burned 40 years earlier (making him one of the oldest slashers in horror film history), and has been busy building a human body puzzle from his freshly-cut victims (so those of you who thought MAY (2002) was original, sur-prise!)  This half-baked film then concludes with the freshly-stitched female Frankenstein coming to life and ripping some poor guy’s manhood off.  Yowch…

They just don’t make ‘em like PIECES anymore.

For grindhouse fiends, that’s sad news.  For serious cinephiles, that’s a blessing.  Either way, PIECES is one slasher film that no one who sees it ever forgets…and that’s saying something.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

NEVER get between a boy and his smut collection!

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CKF ON THE EDGE: THE WOMAN

Posted in 2011, Extreme Movies, John Harvey Reviews, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2011 by knifefighter

CKF ON THE EDGE
THE WOMAN Is Not for the Faint of Heart
Movie review by John Harvey

THE WOMAN is an extremely disturbing, emotionally-draining film that you should not recommend to friends lightly, or without a great deal of preparation. Even if a particular friend boasts casual ease at viewing franchise extreme horror (think SAW and HOSTEL), you still need to explain to them “Oh no … this is something else entirely.”

On that note, though you probably have not seen THE WOMAN, you might be familiar with the controversy surrounding the film’s premiere at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. In a nutshell, at the tail end of the showing, a man in the audience was so entirely offended by the film’s subject matter that he went a bit nuts and had to be escorted out of the theater. You can see the videos (which went spectacularly viral) here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Frliyp33sM and here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3lUAZLB4JY.

Aside from handing the film a massive amount of free publicity, it’s also obvious that this man didn’t get the film at all. THE WOMAN, written by Jack Ketchum and Lucky McKee (who also directed), tells the story about a brutal, sadistic psychopath of the most terrifying sort (one who blends into our society) and the women he abuses and oppresses at home. Outwardly, Chris Cleek (Sean Bridgers) is a successful and well-liked elder care and estate lawyer in northern New England, but it becomes clear pretty early on that he’s not wired like your average upper-middle class husband and father.

Cleek goes hunting near his home one day and encounters a feral Woman (Pollyanna McIntosh in an amazing and savage performance) washing herself in the river.  He’s aroused in all the wrong ways, and quickly forms a plan. Once back home, he “remodels” the root cellar near his barn and cheerily tells his family he’s got a surprise for them. His family also gives off a strong whiff of being completely broken, but hiding it for appearance’s sake. The wife, Belle (Angela Bettis who also starred in McKee’s MAY (2002)), and daughter Peggy (Lauren Ashley Carter) exist essentially as cowed and helpless prisoners. Both actresses give great performances. I’m not sure if this is a compliment, but nobody gives you twitchy and train wrecked like Bettis. Cleek’s son, Brian (Zach Rand), on the other hand is … well … definitely his father’s son.

Once Chris and his family complete modifying the root cellar, Cleek pulls the cover back on his surprise: he traps the feral Woman and manacles her in the basement. Why? The family has a new project. They’re going to “fix her.” Of course, Chris Cleek’s concept of “fixing” has little to do with rehabilitation in any rational sense.

At this turn of events, the film begins to pick up a tone that verges on the absurd. Though not in a winking-at-the-audience, pandering sense. Ultimately, this movie frames the real horror of abuse by magnifying the scale and outcomes by a factor of a thousand. Though, one could point to multiple news stories about men who’ve trapped women and kept them locked up for weeks, months, or even years of torture, and argue that perhaps it isn’t absurd so much as it’s that rare horror movie that actually portrays abuse as stomach-turning and emotionally sickening. As opposed to most franchise extreme horror, where elaborate violence has become light entertainment.

And this is the point in the film where McKee really starts to gradually ratchet up the tension and discomfort levels. And though Chris Cleek is already revealed as a monster and a sociopath, McKee continues to show more and more about his (and his son’s) depravity to the point where it becomes oppressive. Also, it becomes obvious to the more thoughtful viewer that McKee and Ketchum have a feminist streak a mile wide. Though men in the film do horrible things to the women almost continuously, it’s not done with the titillating (and in some cases, just plain dirty) sensibility of the old sexploitation films of the 1970s. Rather, McKee and Ketchum exponentially exaggerate the disparity of power between men and women in this movie, and therefore the crime and horror that sources from that disparity.

The amazing thing is that throughout most of the film, there’s very little gore and flying buckets of blood. Now, be forewarned that this changes drastically in the film’s last half hour. But up until that point, McKee and Ketchum manage to disturb on the most profound level without resorting to the gross-out shots. This may sound odd with regards to a movie that is so profoundly brutal, but it’s an elegant way to make a horror film. Another elegant touch is that the movie manages, in a few strategically-placed scenes, to be distressingly funny. Distressing because, in most films, humor is used to diffuse tension, while in THE WOMAN the humor makes the film that much darker.

It should be noted that if you see THE WOMAN, you may come under the impression that you’ve missed some plot points. The fact is that THE WOMAN is a sequel to OFFSPRING (2009), a film that was also based on Jack Ketchum’s book of the same name. If you haven’t seen or read OFFSPRING, then you won’t have any problems following THE WOMAN, but there’s a few scenes in THE WOMAN that make a little more sense if you’re aware of the story that preceded it.

THE WOMAN is a film that will polarize both reviewers and rank-and-file audience members alike. I’d argue that THE WOMAN is not suitable for wide, general audiences. The fact is that most moviegoers don’t want to be profoundly disturbed and uncomfortable when they leave the cinema. They want to be entertained. And this is why McKee is the first person to admit that he’s got no future in commercial films with major studios. But if you are the sort of person who likes their horror films to adhere to the literal definition of the word “horror,” then THE WOMAN was made for you.

– END –

© Copyright 2011 by John D. Harvey

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DRIVE ANGRY 3D!

Posted in 2011, 3-D, Action Movies, Campy Movies, Cinema Knife Fights, Demons, Fast Cars, Nicolas Cage Movies, Satanists, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2011 by knifefighter

Cinema Knife Fight: DRIVE ANGRY 3D
By L.L. Soares (and Michael Arruda)

FADE IN

(The scene: A long stretch of highway. LL SOARES is driving a Dodge Charger as fast as it can go, miles of desert on either side of him. Motorhead’s song “Ace of Spades” plays loud over the car stereo)

LS (shouting): Oh there you are. I’m here driving solo, reviewing the new movie DRIVE ANGRY that just came out in theaters. My sidekick is bowing out on this one…

(The music stops and MICHAEL ARRUDA’s voice comes on the radio)

MA: Hello? You there?

LS: Hey! I was enjoying that song!

MA: Yeah, well, I just want to set the record straight. I didn’t bow out on this one on purpose. I’m stuck at my house buried under several feet of snow; snow, it seems, that has been falling since January!  I mean, the snow banks around here have gotten so big they’re going to start lending money.

LS (turns off radio):  Like anybody cares. I was enjoying that song. Hopefully, he’s gone now. (Turns on radio. “Ace of Spades” is playing again.)  That’s more like it. So, where was I?  Yeah, DRIVE ANGRY.

(MA’s voice returns on the radio.)

MA:  What do you mean?  Nobody cares?  I have readers who would care if I’m stuck in the snow someplace.

(Flash to a little old lady seated in front of a computer, tapping impatiently at the screen rather than the keyboard.)

LITTLE OLD LADY:  Where’s that Michael Arruda?  I haven’t seen his reviews in a while. He writes such sweet things about these movies.

(Scene returns to LS driving in car.)

LS:  Hey, how did you know what I said if I shut the radio off first?

MA:  Actually, you dissed me as you were turning the radio off.

LS (grimaces at camera):  Yeah, I’ll buy that. Sure.

MA: So what did you think of DRIVE ANGRY?

LS: Actually, the full title is DRIVE ANGRY 3D, I guess. Although I’m sure some theaters somewhere were showing it in 2D.

DRIVE ANGRY gives us Nicolas Cage as John Milton (get it?)—.

MA:  —That would be a reference to that classic of literature, PARADISE LOST by John Milton.

LS:  Thank you, Professor. But this John Milton is a long-haired, intense guy who just escaped from hell in a souped-up car.

Turns out Hell is just a giant prison, and he’s a breakout artist. The reason he’s come back is to save his baby granddaughter, who has been abducted by Satanists. The baby’s mother – John’s daughter – was part of a cult, but got second thoughts, so the leader, the charismatic Jonah King (Billy Burke), killed her and took her baby, and is planning to use the infant to make a blood sacrifice to Satan. The plan being to open a portal and bring Hell to earth.

Meanwhile, a demonic lawman, called only The Accountant (William Fichtner) is hot on Milton’s trail, intent to bringing him back to the land of fire and brimstone. (Most people probably know Fichtner as the crooked federal agent from the TV series PRISON BREAK.)

Along the way, Milton picks up feisty blonde firecracker Piper (Amber Heard), at first for her car, and then later the two bond and she agrees to help him get his granddaughter back.

So Jonah King and his men are out to kill Milton. So is The Accountant. And Milton is intent on avoiding The Accountant and killing King and his minions, and saving the baby. Got it so far?

MA: Yep.

(We go back to the LITTLE OLD LADY, who is now getting into a souped-up 1957 Chevy and is gunning the engine)

LITTLE OLD LADY: I’ll teach them to give me a Cinema Knife Fight review without sweet little Michael Arruda! GOSH DARN IT!

(She peels out in a screech of tires)

(Back to LS)

LS: This movie creates its mood right from the get go, letting us know this is going to be an all-out, over-the-top, balls-to-the-wall, live-action loony tune from the very first scene. Nick Cage does his usual hammy overacting (he gives an enjoyable performance here, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe this guy once won an Oscar) as Milton, and Fichtner is damn near perfect as the demonic Accountant (who looks exactly like the FBI man he keeps telling everyone he is – his suit doesn’t get rumpled even once). Hell, the acting is good all around here, including Burke (the dad from the TWILIGHT movies – I knew he looked familiar) as the very charismatic Jonah King (you can believe this guy leads a cult) and the hot, tough, and fun-to-watch Heard as Piper. Other good supporting players include David Morse as Milton’s long-time friend, Webster, and Tom Atkins as the chief of police trying to chase everyone else down.

From the trailers, I thought this was just going to be a straight story of a normal guy chasing down the cultists who stole his daughter (is Nick Cage really old enough to play grandfathers now? I guess he is). I didn’t find out about the supernatural elements until a few days before the movie opened, and I didn’t know what to expect from that. All this talk of Hell and demons and vengeance smacks a lot of a previous Cage outing, GHOST RIDER (2007), which was flawed at best. But for some reason, it all works better here. John Milton is a man on a mission and Cage gives us enough intensity and his just plain patented goofiness throughout to keep the fans wanting more.

(Cherry red ’57 Chevy roars up behind him and drives up beside him)

LITTLE OLD LADY: Where is Michael Arruda this week, you mean man!

LS: Huh? What are you talking about? I’m trying to do a movie review here, lady.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Damn, smartass kids!

(She pulls out a shotgun and aims it at LS)

LITTLE OLD LADY: I represent “Old Timers For Arruda” and we are not going to tolerate reviews that leave him out.

LS: Lady, he’s stuck in the snow. It’s not my fault.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Not good enough, sonny!

(Before she can shoot, LS rams her car with his, and she goes over the railing, spinning down the hills, bursting into a giant ball of flame)

LS: So long, sucker! (cackles in glee)

Where was I?

MA (voice on the radio): You were wrapping up your review, I think. I have to admit, I’m sad you killed that old lady. She sounded very smart.

LS: Yeah, it is kind of sad to think I might have killed off your only fan.

MA: Get to the review!

LS: The dialogue gets a little absurd at times, but the silliest lines are the ones coming out of Cage’s mouth, and he says them as if they were diamonds. No one makes bad dialogue sound good and funny like Nicolas Cage.

For the most part, the script is pretty good, the acting top-notch, and the direction by Patrick Lussier – whose remake of MY BLOODY VALENTINE (also in 3D) in 2009 was one of the better horror flicks since the new 3D renaissance – keeps things moving at a nice speed throughout. Sure, there are plenty of goofy aspects to the proceedings, but they’re all part of the ride—speaking of which, there are also some very cool cars in this flick, too.

Is the 3D worth it? Well, there are stretches where you kind of don’t notice (as is the case with a lot of 3D movies), and then, suddenly, a bullet will come your way, or part of someone’s skull will hurtle towards you. This movie earns its R rating with plenty of blood and dismemberment, as well plenty of nude girls, so what’s not to love? That said, I’m still not a big fan of the whole 3D thing, and didn’t think it added that much to the movie. I still think the entire 3D craze is a sham created to raise ticket prices and sell new televisions. But when a movie is an entertaining as this one – and most 3D movies aren’t – I’m willing to let it slide. But I bet it would have been just as fun in regular 2D.

MA:  I’m with you on this point. The majority of the new 3D movies haven’t been worth the extra ticket prices.

LS:  So is this movie worth seeing? Hell yeah. After the showing I went to, there were surveys so I filled one out. One question asked “Why did you want to see this movie?” and I checked off “Nicolas Cage” with a giant X next to his name, and smaller x’s for William Fichtner and the fact that it was “Directed by the guy who made MY BLOODY VALENTINE.”

DRIVE ANGRY is a hoot and a holler and a drag race out of hell and back. I give it three and a half knives.

MA:  Sounds like a lot of fun, and I’m sorry I missed it.

(LITTLE OLD LADY’s voice come on the radio)

LITTLE OLD LADY: You better be part of the next review, Michael! I am boiling mad!

(LS turns off the radio. The vast desert on either side of him turns into walls of flame as he takes a right turn into Hell)

LS: Well, I’m home. So long folks! See you next time.

FADE OUT

© Copyright 2011 by L.L. Soares (with some input from Michael Arruda)

LL SOARES gives DRIVE ANGRY 3D – three and a half knives

Meanwhile, MICHAEL ARRUDA is stuck in the snow


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HATCHET (2007)

Posted in 2007, Horror DVDs, LL Soares Reviews, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , on February 16, 2011 by knifefighter

(Here’s a blast from the past – my review of the original HATCHET from September 2007, during HATCHET’s brief theatrical release before it went quickly to DVD ~LLS)

MOVIE REVIEW: HATCHET (2007)
by L.L. Soares

I saw the movie HATCHET, and I have two reactions to it. The first reaction is that it’s the equivalent of a fun (but dumb) amusement park ride. My second reaction is that I feel like I’ve been cheated.

You see, I was really looking forward to HATCHET because it’s been advertising itself as “Old School American Horror.” To some of us, that phrase means something. It hearkens back to the golden decade of the 1970s, when we got treated to intense horror classics like the original THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), the original HALLOWEEN (1978), the original DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) (Don’t you just hate that I have to put the word “original” in front of each of those movies, so you know what I’m talking about?), and the soon to be “original” LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) (since we all know it’s inevitable that will get the official remake treatment at some point too)  (EDITOR’S NOTE: AND I WAS RIGHT!).

HATCHET was building up a lot of buzz on the premise that it was a throwback to the horror films of the ‘70s, and me being the silly person I am, I thought this meant suspenseful, brutal, edge-of-your seat filmmaking. But it turns out I was wrong.  “Old School American Horror” wasn’t meant to imply the 70s at all in this context. Instead, HATCHET is  like the horror films of the ‘80s, especially stuff like FRIDAY THE 13th PART III (1982) – you know, when slasher films were getting a bad name and were becoming jokes because of all the damn sequels and cliches?

Which is kind of funny, because the monster in HATCHET is played by Kane Hodder who played Jason in FRIDAY THE 13TH Numbers 7 – 10. See how everything comes full circle?

HATCHET revels in the whole “jokey horror” genre, where we get as many jokes and one-liners as we get thrills. And frankly, I’m getting a little tired of that, since it’s seldom done well.  The story is simple enough – hell, it seems a bit too simple. A bunch of friends are at Mardi Gras. One of them, Ben (Joel David Moore) refuses to have a good time because he’s a whiner who’s devastated over his recent breakup with his girlfriend (who can blame her?). So his buddy Marcus (Deon Richmond) agrees to go with him on a late night “swamp tour” through the spooky bayou to lift his spirits. There are other people on the tour, including an older couple, a sleazy filmmaker and his two “actresses” (who constantly pull their tops down “Girls Gone Wild” style), and a weird girl who won’t say much. The guide for the tour is an Asian guy who talks in a cajun accent and pretends to be a local – but he has no idea what he’s doing. While out on the swamp, their boat gets damaged and they have to run to shore before the alligators get them. But, in the woods, there is a worse danger. His name is Victor Crowley.

Victor (Kane Hodder) is a deformed freak who looks an awful lot like the monster in Tobe Hooper’s THE FUNHOUSE (1981) with some ELEPHANT MAN (1980) thrown in for good measure. As a child, Victor was taunted by other children because of his tragic appearance. One Halloween, some kids threw firecrackers at his house to torment him and ended up burning the place down by accident. Trapped inside, poor Victor panicked and struggled to get out. His father, trying to get inside, used a hatchet on the door. Unfortunately, Victor’s face is pressed close to the other side….and you get the picture from there.

For some untold reason, Victor’s still alive. And, after being born deformed, then burned, hatcheted and left for dead, you can understand why he’s boiling mad!

What happens next is just what you think. The group of morons who got stranded in the woods get picked off one by one by the deranged freak.

Once Victor appears, the movie does take a big leap forward. Let’s face it, no matter how flawed the movie is, he’s a cool character who deserved a better storyline. But, until he shows up, it’s just a lot of lame jokes and annoying characters. And it is kind of fun how he constantly pops up when people least expect it, to kill and mutilate. There were rumors that this movie was going to get an NC-17 rating originally, and you can see why. There’s tons of decapitations, bodies getting cut in two, and arms being ripped off. But it’s more cartoony than scary.

A little Victor Crowley goes a long way, but unfortunately, he’s not enough to save the movie. And it certainly wasn’t good enough to justify the ten dollar ticket price I paid.

Sure, I laughed a few times, and I dug the carnage, but HATCHET was ultimately a disappointment. If they’d actually played it straight and emulated the films of the 1970s – you know, real OLD SCHOOL AMERICAN HORROR -  then maybe HATCHET would have been a film worth recommending. I know I was expecting something much more intense. If this sounds like the kind of goofy fun film you’d enjoy, then by all means, check it out. Everyone else, you can wait for the DVD.

Another lesson in “Don’t believe the hype.”

© Copyright 2007 by L.L. Soares

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