QUICK CUTS: Fairy Tale Movies We Want to See
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel Keohane, and Jenny Orosel
MICHAEL ARRUDA: With the recent the release of HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2103) and the upcoming JACK THE GIANT SLAYER, a re-working of the Jack and the Beanstalk fairy tale, due out on March 1, the “fairy tale re-imaginings” are out in full force.
Let’s see, we’ve already had RED RIDING HOOD (2011) and SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (2012). I don’t know about you, but enough is enough!
But since this new take on the fairy tale genre doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon, it’s time for the Cinema Knife Fighters to get in on the action.
Today’s QUICK CUTS question: Which fairy tale would you like to see turned into a movie!
DANIEL KEOHANE: I’d go with THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL.
Sent away from her home and left to die but saved from death by a long retired CIA operative Max Samaritan, Lillie devotes herself to stopping evil whenever – and wherever – it appears. She leaves the arcane world of wooden matches behind in favor of a stylish Zippo, which proves invaluable when all seems lost and she finds herself near a constant supply of combustible materials.
JENNY OROSEL: I would like to see BLUEBEARD done, this time starring either Larry King or Rush Limbaugh.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: I’ve always liked RUMPELSTILTSKIN. In my movie version, entitled KNOW MY NAME OR PAY UP YOU LOSER! Jim Carrey in full make-up with CGI effects added plays Rumpelstiltskin, and Chloe Grace Moretz plays the poor miller’s daughter. In this movie version, rather than just guess his name, Moretz kicks the crap out of Carrey’s Rumpelstiltskin to the point where he’s a mass of pulpy flesh.
She then travels the countryside in search of demonic dwarves who terrorize young women.
Also starring Robert Downey Jr. as the King.
I’d also like to see WEE WILLIE WINKIE made into a horror movie where Mr. Winkie is a sinister gent who goes around terrorizing young children, whisking them away from their beds at night, taking them to some uncertain dark future, perhaps to a castle where a cannibalistic witch lives who loves children in her stews. Rated R, with Sacha Baron Cohen as Wee Willie Winkie, Sigourney Weaver as the Witch, and Mark Wahlberg as the parent of a missing child who’s had enough and decides to step up and take justice into his own hands.
L.L. SOARES: That’s easy. I’d like to see a movie version of THE WORLD OF MOTHER GOOSE starring Andrew Dice Clay.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: And there you have it, fairy tale movies we’d like to see.
Thanks for joining us, and we’ll see you next time on QUICK CUTS!
© Copyright 2013 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel G. Keohane and Jenny Orosel, as applicable.