Superheroes |

Archive for the Superheroes Category

IRON MAN 3 (2013)

Posted in 2013, 3-D, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Comic Book Movies, Marvel Comics, Superheroes, Surprises! with tags ben kingsley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Iron Man, Mandarin, marvel comics, Robert Downey Jr., Shane Black on May 6, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: IRON MAN 3 (2013)
Review by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: The sky. Two figures in Iron Man suits zoom by. Inside the body armor are MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: This is so cool! I can’t believe Tony Stark was okay with our borrowing these suits.

L.L SOARES (laughs): Who said anything about borrowing?

MA: But you said you spoke with Stark and he agreed that—.

LS (laughs some more): And you believed me? What a doofus!

MA: So, you’re telling me that we stole these suits?

LS: Something like that. But don’t worry. We’ll fly these babies back before anyone even notices they’re gone. I just thought it would be cool to be wearing them while we review today’s movie.

MA: From up here? While we’re flying in these things?

LS: What’s the matter? Can’t you do two things at once?

MA: I most certainly can, and I’ll prove it to you by going first and starting the review.

LS: Suit yourself. (snickers) That’s a pun.

(MA Socks LS with his iron fist, sending him away flailing.)

MA: And that’s a punch. You owe me after all the trouble you’ve gotten me into today.

Anyway, welcome folks, today we’re reviewing IRON MAN 3 (2013) the third movie in the wildly popular Marvel Iron Man series starring Robert Downey Jr. as everybody’s favorite superhero alter ego, Tony Stark. We’ve been talking about this a lot lately, how the Marvel superhero movies have enjoyed a tremendous run during the past decade with a string of well-made hits. Iron Man, thanks to Robert Downey Jr., might be their most popular movie character to date.

LS (returns): By the way, I owe you this.

(LS punches MA, sending him hurtling toward the Earth. At the last minute, he stops his descent and flies back up into the sky)

MA: Let’s call a truce until the end of the review at least. I’m really looking forward to this one.

LS: Okay okay. We’ll have our big battle after the review.

MA: So, as I was saying, Iron Man is a very popular character in an amazingly successful series. The Marvel movies have done so well because for the most part, they’re made so well. And IRON MAN 3 only adds to the list of high quality movies.

LS: How about ending the commercial for Marvel Comics and get on with the review? Not all their movies are that high quality. I wasn’t all that impressed with IRON MAN 2, for instance. The script was pretty lame. So I’m not really sure why you’re gushing so much.

MA: I gotta give credit where credit is due. They’ve got a tremendous track record.

LS: Michael, your autographed photo of Stan Lee just arrived! He signed it, “To my favorite shill.”

MA: In this one, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) just isn’t the same guy anymore. He’s suffering the after-effects of his traumatic encounter with both aliens and a massive worm hole at the end of last year’s blockbuster Marvel movie THE AVENGERS (2012). He can’t sleep, he suffers anxiety attacks, and things aren’t going too well with the love of his life, Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow).

LS: I thought this was interesting, that Stark actually had some psychological fallout after the events of THE AVENGERS. In the comics – and most superhero movies – it’s like these guys take everything in stride and never get affected. So that was an interesting idea, having him suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Except they never really do anything interesting with it. Stark just has some panic attacks at some inopportune moments. But the movie only really touches upon this in a very superficial way. When the real action starts, it’s pretty much an afterthought. This was a clever idea that wasn’t used all that well.

MA: I disagree. I thought he had confidence problems throughout the film, even at the end. I thought the film did a good job highlighting his weaknesses.

But back to the story. A terrorist by the name of The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) has set his sights on humiliating the United States and in particular the President (William Sadler). Leading the team to find and destroy The Mandarin is Tony Stark’s buddy Colonel James Rhodes (Don Cheadle). Rhodes dons a patriotic red white and blue Iron Man suit and goes by the name of Iron Patriot. He tells Stark that he doesn’t need his help, as catching The Mandarin is government business, not superhero business.

LS: Yeah, the big joke is that they changed the name of War Machine (Rhodes’ original name when in the metal suit) to Iron Patriot because “War Machine” didn’t do well in a focus group. This is a kind of satirical point, but sadly, also reflects the way the movies dumb down and sanitize comic book characters to fit certain audience expectations. Kind of ironic, actually.

MA: You’re thinking too much. It was funny, plain and simple.

LS: Yeah, I’m thinking too much about the things that annoyed me about this movie.

As for the Mandarin, they take a character who is supposed to be a Chinese warlord longing for the days of the ancient dynasties, and turn him into an Osama Bin Laden wannabe. Maybe that is more timely, but it also seems really cliché.

MA: But when Stark’s friend and personal security chief Happy Hogan (Jon Favreau- yep, the same Jon Favreau who directed IRON MAN & IRON MAN 2) is critically wounded in a terrorist blast credited to the Mandarin, Stark calls out the villain in a public rant in front of news cameras where he gives out his home address to the baddie and says he’ll be waiting for him.

(WAR MACHINE suddenly flies toward them and stops)

WAR MACHINE: What the hell are you guys doing here? And where did you get those suits?

MA: Uh oh.

LS: How do you know one of us isn’t the real IRON MAN?

WAR MACHINE: Because you’re just hovering in the sky, arguing about movies.

LS: Oh.

WAR MACHINE: I suggest you take it down to Earth, before you get mistaken for enemy crafts. This is monitored airspace.

MA: I told you this was a dumb idea.

LS: I still think it’s fun.

WAR MACHINE: Fun? These suits are a responsibility, not a game. Does Stark even know that you have them?

MA: Errr.

LS: Sure he does.

WAR MACHINE: I think I’ll call in and check with Mr. Stark. (Talks on radio) Tony, did you let two idiots borrow Iron Man suits today?

(Looks around)

WAR MACHINE: Where did those guys go?

(LS and MA are back on the ground)

LS: That guy is a real stick in the mud.

MA: These suits are probably worth millions of dollars. I think we should bring them back.

LS: All in good time, my friend. We’ve got to finish the review. Race you to the other end of the beach.

MA: Okay.

(They continue talking as they have a foot race in the Iron Man suits)

LS: Was it just me or was Favreau incredibly annoying in this movie?

MA: Oh, he might have been a little annoying, but I kinda liked him, and he really wasn’t in it enough to be too annoying.

LS: His character, Happy Hogan (who he has played in all three IRON MAN movies) is just grating in this movie. Every time he appeared onscreen, I just wanted him to go away. I don’t remember him being this annoying in the previous films. I’m just glad that, after he gets caught in an explosion, he’s stuck in a hospital bed and we only see him rarely.

MA: And like all good movie villains, the Mandarin wastes no time in descending upon Stark’s compound and blowing it to bits. But not before Stark is visited by a former girlfriend Maya Hansen (Rebecca Hall) who tells him she thinks her boss Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce) is working for the Mandarin.

LS: How intriguing!

MA: Her boss, Killian, is a brilliant scientist who, along with Maya, has been working on experiments involving the process of regeneration. Their treatment allows humans to grow back limbs. Killian once tried to work with Tony Stark, but Stark snubbed him.

Killian also dated Pepper Pots for a time. It’s a small world.

LS: Too small. The scene where Stark first meets both Killian and Maya (New Year’s Eve 1999, on the eve of Y2K, in Switzerland) starts the movie, and while it’s not a bad opening, I have to admit, the more this movie went on, the more I didn’t really care about these characters at all.

MA: After the Mandarin destroys Stark’s compound and kidnaps Pepper Potts, all bets are off, and Tony Stark makes it his mission to track down the terrorist and rescue the love of his life. Along the way, there’s a major plot twist that I didn’t see coming, and I can easily see how hardcore fans might not like it, but I thought it was refreshing and quite funny.

LS: Yeah, let’s not spoil it, except to say there’s a very interesting twist that involves the Mandarin’s reason why he’s involved in all this skullduggery. The thing is – I’m a big fan of the character, and I had a mixed reaction to the big surprise. On the one hand, I felt a little cheated, except that this character not once seemed like the Mandarin from the comics. On the other hand, I thought the surprise was clever and funny, and maybe the only truly inspired moment in the entire movie. So I can’t complain too much.

MA: I have to say, I really liked IRON MAN 3 and place it among my favorite Marvel superhero movies. While not quite as good as THE AVENGERS or the first IRON MAN movie, it’s right behind them, and is way better than IRON MAN 2 (2010) which I barely remember.

LS: I remember IRON MAN 2 just fine, and I wish I didn’t. It was pretty bad. And totally wasted the Iron Man villain Whiplash (played by Mickey Rourke in that one, and except for one cool scene, he mostly just sits around doing nothing). Like IRON MAN 2, the third one eventually pushes aside a great villain from the comics to focus on a more generic bad guy, in this case, Guy Pearce’s Killian.

There are so many better villains who could have been in this movie instead, involved in the plot with the Mandarin. And if the effects guys want to give us tons of guys in armor, then why not do it right and give us the Crimson Dynamo or Titanium Man? No, instead we get Pearce’s Killian, who is about as compelling as toothpaste.

MA: I liked Killian. I think Pearce gave him an edge that made him better than he should have been.

LS: An edge? (laughs) You really think so? Good for you.

There’s also a subplot about how Killian founded the organization Advanced Idea Mechanics (A.I.M.), which opened up a ton of possibilities. In the comics, A.I.M. is an organization of evil that gave us MODOK – a major bad guy in the Marvel Universe! When A.I.M. was first mentioned in IRON MAN 3, I immediately hoped this meant that we’d eventually get an appearance by MODOK, but no such luck, at least not in this movie. Another total letdown.

And what’s with the need to have a hundred people in Iron Man suits in every movie? They did a variation of this in the second one, and in this one, there are a ton of remote-control Iron Man suits (pretty much an army of robots) in the big final fight, and it’s mostly boring. How about one really cool and powerful Iron Man instead of a hundred second-rate ones? But I guess it keeps the CGI guys busy.

MA: That didn’t bother me. This one actually plays better than its story, which is nothing special, but the writing, the dialogue, the special effects, and most of all the acting lift it to the top. And while the story wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen before, it was interesting and entertaining. I liked the regenerative science Killian was working on.

LS: The Lizard did it better in the last SPIDER-MAN movie, and even that movie wasn’t that great. And why do people who get this regenerative upgrade from Killian have the side-effect of turning into a crispy critter? At first, I thought they were Lava Men, another old-time Marvel reference, but no, it’s just a drug side-effect that makes no sense at all.

MA: Well, I found it interesting. I liked the terrorist plot involving the Mandarin and the later twists which went along with it. I liked how Tony Stark had to deal with his post-AVENGERS trauma. I liked that Pepper Potts was more involved in this story, and I enjoyed the stuff about her relationship with Stark. All in all, it was a very likable story. I thought it was a very successful screenplay by Drew Pearce and Shane Black.

LS: I thought that, except for the big plot surprise in the middle and a couple of good scenes, the script was pretty crappy for most of the movie’s running time. In fact, I will go so far as to say this one is on the same quality level as IRON MAN 2. Which is nothing to get excited about.

MA: I don’t think so at all. The script here is far superior to the one in IRON MAN 2. Just the Tony Stark/Pepper Potts relationship alone is an upgrade.

LS: But we still haven’t gotten to the worst thing in the movie…

MA: I think all that high altitude flying we just did went to your head. Not only is IRON MAN 3 a decent movie, it’s one of the best Marvel movies period! I think you’re letting your affection for the comics cloud your judgment. Jeesh!

LS: This movie pretty much made me forgot about any affection I had for the comics while it was onscreen. So it can’t be that. Maybe it’s….just a bad movie?

(Tony Stark appears above them in his IRON MAN suit)

STARK: Stop right there and identify yourselves.

MA: We’re the guys from Cinema Knife Fight, Mr. Stark.

LS: Yeah, don’t worry. We’ll return your dopey iron suits.

MA: I swear, I had no idea he didn’t ask you first.

LS: What a stool pigeon.

STARK: I have now taken control of the suits. You will have to vacate them.

(The suits open up, dropping LS and MA on the beach)

STARK: You’re lucky I don’t press charges, or kick your butts.

LS: Oh go play with your transistors.

STARK: I’ll let you two morons off the hook this time – against my better judgment. But don’t let it happen again.

(IRON MAN flies away, followed by the two radio-controlled suits)

MA (Looks around the beach): Do you even know where we are? How are we going to get home.

LS: Just finish the review. We’ll worry about that later.

MA: I guess so.

Shane Black also directed, and I thought he did a fantastic job here. The pacing was great. The movie clocks in at over two hours, but for me, it flew by, and there was barely a dull moment. Yet, this doesn’t mean it was non-stop boring action. It’s not. There’s quite a bit of story here.

LS: Black does an okay job directing this one, but the script, which he co-wrote, didn’t excite me at all. It has one good moment, and then it’s business as usual.

I also found the big “Battle of 100 Iron Men” showdown at the end went on way too long and was tedious as hell. Black previously directed the 2005 movie, KISS KISS BANG BANG, a kind of neo-noir, which also starred Robert Downey, Jr. Otherwise, he’s mostly known as a writer, best known for the screenplays of the LETHAL WEAPON series. This movie looks good, but overall, it’s a very mediocre effort by Black.

MA: I didn’t find that final battle long at all. I thought the timing was just right.

While the film looked great, I saw it in 3D, and I can’t say I was impressed. This is one you could probably enjoy just as well in 2D.

LS: I saw it in 3D as well. Only because all of the 2D showings were SOLD OUT way ahead of time. What does this tell you? That this movie is going to be a big hit. But also that the audience is sick of being gouged by the more expensive 3D tickets, which only rarely are worth the added expense. If I see a movie that’s in 3D and 2D these days, which one I choose to see is based more on the convenience of the show time than anything else. I didn’t want to pay extra for 3D here, but I had no choice.

That said, I was completely underwhelmed by the 3D effects in IRON MAN 3. For most of the time, I didn’t even realize I was watching a 3D movie. I urge our readers – if you have to see this one –don’t spend the extra money for 3D. It’s not worth it.

MA: But the best part of IRON MAN 3 is the performances, starting with Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man. He’s the most compelling superhero out there right now, mostly because—and this has always been the best part of the Marvel Universe—he’s a deeply flawed character. He’s a guy who’s impulsive, quirky, and incredibly fun to be around. He has no business being a superhero, but he is, and that’s what makes his story so cool. Downey has played Stark in four movies now, and I can’t say that I’m even close to being tired of watching him. I hope he plays the role again.

LS: God, you eat this stuff up, don’t you? Downey is fine as Stark. But he deserves better scripts than this.

MA (laughs): As far as eating this stuff up, what can I say? I sit through tons of bad movies every year. The Marvel movies are not among them. The odds says these film should be tiring by now. They’re not.

LS: The first IRON MAN was a decent movie, and he brought his A-game to it. He was also a real highlight in THE AVENGERS. But the IRON MAN sequels have been pretty embarrassing in comparison. Downey really needs to move on to better movies. Right now, he’s kind of trapped in a dumpster. Someone needs to open the lid and let him out.

MA: He brings his A-game here as well. And if he’s smart he’ll keep making these films because it’s the perfect role for him, and there’s still more he can do with it.

LS: They’re the perfect movies to keep his bank account full. But a challenge for him as an actor? I don’t think so. Unless the scripts get better, he’s spinning his wheels.

MA: I really like Gwyneth Paltrow too, and she’s splendid here as Pepper Potts. She’s played Potts four times now as well, and it’s probably her best performance as Potts. She certainly has more to do in this movie than she’s had in the others. Stark and Potts, as played by Downey and Paltrow, make a very likeable couple.

LS: I don’t know. I find Paltrow really stilted in these films. There’s this sense that she feels she’s too good to be acting in this kind of movie. Maybe she is. She never once seems relaxed or natural in this role. She has a couple of okay moments (one where she gains some strange super powers temporarily), but overall I just didn’t care for her. And I think if there’s any chemistry between Downey and her, it’s because Downey is doing enough acting to make them both look good. I’m just not a Gwyneth Paltrow fan, I guess.

MA: I don’t get that sense at all. Maybe one of the reasons she doesn’t appear relaxed is because her character is dating Tony Stark!

Don Cheadle, one of my favorite actors, took over the role of Colonel James Rhodes in IRON MAN 2, and I remember not being all that impressed. He’s excellent this time around, though, and it helps that Rhodes is integral the plot here.

LS: I think Cheadle is wasted in these movies. He’s Iron Man’s uptight sidekick. (Yawns). It’s funny how many good actors are wasted in this thing.

MA: Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin, I suspect, is going to generate some strong reactions from fans. Diehard fans of the comics will probably hate him, while those of us, myself included, who aren’t as familiar with the comics, will find his performance refreshing and funny. I loved it.

LS: I’m a diehard comics fan, or at least I used to be, and I didn’t hate him at all. I was disappointed they made him a Bin Laden clone—that just seemed very lazy to me—but despite any problems I have with the character here, I think Kingsley is the best thing in the movie. Maybe even better than Downey, because he doesn’t have to appear onscreen in almost every scene like Downey does, and doesn’t seem as burnt out.

MA (shaking his head): Downey doesn’t come off as burnt out at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Guy Pearce is excellent as the villainous Aldrich Killian. Killian is a particularly cold-hearted scientist, and Pearce does a good job bringing him to life. I enjoyed Pearce here more than in last year’s PROMETHEUS (2012).

LS: When we first see Killian in a flashback, he looks like a reject from REVENGE OF THE NERDS (1984), with sloppy hair and bad teeth. When we see him in modern day, “cold” is the operative word here. Pearce might as well be playing a robot. He has about as much depth as a puddle. I really didn’t like him, and usually I’m a fan. I also hated the whole Killian character and storyline. He’s a major villain here, and yet he seemed generic and boring. The villain(s) might just be the most important thing about a superhero movie (if it’s not an origin story). And as one of the major villains here, Killian, is a complete snooze.

MA: For a complete snooze, he’s pretty damn deadly! He has the upper hand over Tony Stark/Iron Man throughout the film, and he was believable doing it. I liked him.

I also enjoyed Rebecca Hall as Maya Hansen. Hall was memorable in Ben Affleck’s THE TOWN (2010), and here as Maya she’s sexy, smart, and she has a dark side as well. I liked her a lot.

LS: I liked Hall a lot, too. I didn’t care about her character’s storyline all that much, but I found that she was warm and human onscreen in ways Paltrow never comes close to being. Rebecca Hall just seems to relax in front of the camera and seems like a real person, and her scenes with Paltrow just make the contrast all that more glaring. Based on this movie, I’d rather date Rebecca Hall any day of the week. Paltrow comes off as an android ice queen.

MA: I’d have no problem dating either one of them.

The supporting cast is also very good. I particularly enjoyed Jon Favreau as Happy Hogan. He was a bit goofy, but I found him likeable.

LS: I already said what I thought about Favreau. They should have killed the character off in the explosion scene and spared us.

You didn’t mention James Badge Dale, who plays Eric Savin, Killian’s right hand man. I had a mixed reaction to him. It’s not like Savin has much of a personality either, but there are a few times where he seems to be trying to do something with the role. Most of the time, he’s just this killing machine, but I actually thought he was pretty good.

MA: Overall, I loved IRON MAN 3. As the third film in the series, I had hoped it would be good, but wouldn’t have been surprised if it dropped off a bit in quality. Far from this, it was better than I expected. It just might be my favorite film of the year so far. Then again, I have a soft spot for the Marvel superhero films, mostly because they tend to feature strong acting, solid writing and storytelling, and impressive visual effects. IRON MAN 3 is no exception.

I give it three and a half knives.

LS (stares at him): You’re joking, right?

MA: No way. I loved it.

LS (shakes his head): And I notice you completely overlooked some of the worst aspects of the movie. Just didn’t mention them at all.

MA: Like what?

LS: Like a character named Harley Keener. Who is he? He’s a kid who helps Stark out after his Iron Man suit crash lands in Kansas. He’s a cute kid who lives with a single mother we never see, and Stark meets him when he stashes his damaged suit in the garage behind the kid’s house. There’s this big chunk of the movie that’s just about Stark and Harley, to give us some kind of surrogate father/son bonding that is meant to warm our hearts and show us that Stark has a heart of gold after all.

They have this cute banter back and forth, and Stark says some obnoxious stuff to the kid, and you think, “Wow, he’s still the same wise-cracking Tony Stark,” but he’s not. He’s gone soft, and he’s gotten stupid. This entire storyline played like an outtake from REAL STEEL (2011), another movie about a cute kid and a metal guy. These scenes were sappy and dripping with saccharine.

MA (laughing): No they’re not! The scenes in REAL STEEL were much more syrupy sweet than these! These scenes were just amusing, and I didn’t mention them because I didn’t think much of them. They’re a small part of the movie – it’s not like the kid is main player in the film. He’s not. So, there’s a big difference between REAL STEEL and this.

LS: It’s long enough. It seemed to last a good half hour. It probably felt longer than it actually was.

In IRON MAN 3, Simpkins plays a sickeningly cutesy kid who is the visual equivalent of fingernails on a friggin blackboard. Every time he was onscreen, I completely hated this movie. And Stark’s smart-ass interplay with him was just as aggravating. This sequence made the entire movie grind to a halt, and the movie never fully recovers, going forward.

MA: I think you just hate kids.

LS: I didn’t have any problem with Pierce Gagnon, the kid in LOOPER (2012), or Haley Joel-Osment back in THE SIXTH SENSE (1999). I don’t have any problem with kids who can act, and aren’t in a movie just to provide some sappy subplot.

I also think that Marvel movies are starting to get in a rut. They take the comics and dumb them down, sandpaper away any real rough edges, and then hook them up to a script that is by-the-numbers and predictable. Aside from one surprise in IRON MAN 3, the movie is so predictable that it could have been written in someone’s sleep. These movies are all cookie-cutter products, and anything that was cool about them is going stale pretty quickly.

MA: Wow. I don’t view IRON MAN 3 as dumbed down or predictable at all. And you think it could have been written in someone’s sleep? Then that guy must be pretty smart to come up with a major unexpected plot twist in the middle of his nap! It’s a cool story. I can’t believe you’re complaining about it so much.

LS: THE AVENGERS was a rare exception. But for the most part, the more recent Marvel movies have been pretty bland. And I grew up on Marvel Comics. I was a hardcore fan of the comics and these characters. So I should be the target audience, right? Someone who actually cared about these superheroes? Not even close. These movies aren’t made to appeal to long-time fans. They’re made to appeal to the widest audience possible—compromises and illogical changes are embraced without question—to separate them from their money.

MA: They also appeal to people who appreciate good movies! I can see why you, as a fan of the comics, would be more critical of the Marvel movies, but it’s not like for the rest of us the movies suck. They’re well-produced, well-written, and well-acted. I don’t see them as cookie-cutter movies at all. That’s not to say that the Marvel movies don’t all follow a similar formula. They do, but it’s a formula that so far is still working.

LS: But it’s not just about comparing this stuff with the comics. If I was a hardcore comics fan and that was my only gripe, then I would hate the movie because of the way it treats the Mandarin, for example. But that’s not my problem. My problem is the script is very weak. Maybe it is no surprise that Marvel is now part of the Disney family. Because anything that was unique and exciting about Marvel’s characters is being washed away to give us the most assembly-line type of product possible.

I wish Downey would move on to better movies. He’s done what he could to make Tony Stark cool, despite completely moronic scripts. And he deserves to get the chance to actually act again.

MA: No. He should keep playing Tony Stark. He has yet to wear out his welcome, and he might not.

LS: I give IRON MAN 3 just one knife. And that’s only for Ben Kingsley and Rebecca Hall, and maybe 10 minutes of Robert Downey’s Tony Stark here. Otherwise, I think this movie is a waste of time. I’m sure it will make a gazillion dollars. I’m sure there are there are fans who will go completely gaga over it. But I’m one long-time Marvel fan who thinks it’s a dud.

There’s an end credit montage after the movie, that looks like a 70s action TV show, and it’s more fun than the entire movie that came before it.

Oh, and by the way, this one has a “cookie” at the very end. A secret scene after all the final credits role. Just like almost all other Marvel movies recently. This is annoying, because the end credits of this movie seem to go on forever, and the secret scene isn’t worth the wait at all!

MA: I laughed at the last scene. I thought it was funny. And unlike you, I think people should run out to see this one. It’s one of the more entertaining films of the year.

So how are we going to get back home?

LS: Hitchhike, of course!

(The two of them walk across the beach to the road and stick out their thumbs. A huge military-looking vehicle stops for them. The door opens)

LS: DOCTOR DOOM! I sure am glad to see you.

DOOM: Hop inside, gentlemen. You can accompany me in my latest plan for world domination.

LS: Excellent! After seeing IRON MAN 3, some world domination sounds like a great antidote!

MA: How do I get into these situations?

-END-

Michael Arruda gives IRON MAN 3 ~ three and a half knives!

LL Soares gives IRON MAN 3 ~one friggin knife!

5 Comments »

Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for MAY 2013

Posted in 2013, 3-D, Action Movies, Bad Situations, Coming Attractions, Disaster Films, Dystopian Futures, R-Rated Comedy, Sequels, Superheroes with tags aftershock, Coming Attractions, hangover 3, into darkness, iron man 3, the purge on May 3, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
MAY 2013
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: The interior of a HUGE laboratory, with STARK ENTERPRISES logos all around, and various Iron Man suits on display. MICHAEL ARRUDA &. L.L. SOARES enter lab.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome to the Coming Attractions column for May 2013.

L.L. SOARES: Our time to tell you what we’ll be reviewing in the month ahead

MA: We’re here at Stark Enterprises not only because we’ll be seeing IRON MAN 3, the first big release of the month, the weekend of May 3, but because this place is humongous, and it’s symbolic of the blockbuster movies that are finally starting to roll out in theaters this month.

LS: Whatever. I’m just glad we’re here. I can’t wait to try on one of these funky Iron Man suits.

MA: I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Mr. Stark explicitly said we could do our review from here if we don’t touch anything.

LS: Since when do I care what you think?

MA: If you blow yourself up fiddling with one of those suits, don’t blame me.

LS: I won’t blame you. I’ll come back to haunt you though.

MA: Oh joy. Anyway, we kick off the month of May with a review of IRON MAN 3, opening in theaters on May 3. I love the Marvel superhero movies, and so it goes without saying that I’m really looking forward to this one.

The original film in this series, IRON MAN (2008) is one of my all-time favorite Marvel superhero films. The second one IRON MAN 2 (2010), not so much. I realize this is the third film in the series, and so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it played like a third film in a series and wasn’t so good.

But I really enjoy Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, and I like Gwyneth Paltrow a lot, and the Marvel films have just been so good, I think this one will play better than a third film in a series. Of course, I feel as if I’ve already watched IRON MAN 3, when I watched last year’s phenomenal THE AVENGERS (2012), which I liked even more than the original IRON MAN.

IRON MAN 3 features Ben Kingsley as the villain, The Mandarin, and Guy Pearce and Don Cheadle. It’s directed by Shane Black, with a screenplay by Black and Drew Pearce. Looking forward to it.

LS: Yay, the Mandarin is finally in an IRON MAN movie! The Mandarin, in the comics, is like Iron Man’s big villain, the equivalent of the Joker for Batman, so it’s about time he made it to film. I wonder if the Mandarin’s giant blue killer robot ULTIMO will be making an appearance – with today’s CGI efforts, they’d be able to do him justice, but I didn’t see any sign of Ultimo in the trailers. The Mandarin’s main powers emanate from rings on his fingers that involve alien technology, and he’s a criminal mastermind. It looks like they have changed him a bit for the movie, making him more like an international terrorist, which is okay, as long as the basic essence of the character is there. The fact that he is played by Ben Kingsley means we should get a decent bad guy in this movie. Let’s hope they don’t waste him like they did Whiplash (as played by Mickey Rourke) in IRON MAN 2.

MA: Yes, Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash was very disappointing, surprisingly so.

LS: Then, the weekend of May 10, we’ll be reviewing AFTERSHOCK. Looks like another “End of the World” type movie, with a cast that includes director Eli Roth. Roth also acted in Quentin Tarantino’s INGLORIOUS BASTERDS, 2009 (and his Grindhouse entry DEATH PROOF in 2007), so he should do fine here. Aside from that, I don’t know much about it. But I hope to be entertained.

MA: I liked the trailer for this one. It looks like it’s going to be an intense movie.

Moving right along, on May 17 we’ll be reviewing STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS, director J.J. Abrams’ follow-up to his successful STAR TREK (2009) movie, which was a reimagining of the classic 1960s TV show which I thought worked very well.

It’s been hush-hush with this sequel, as very little information has surfaced as to what this movie will be about. Even the film’s trailers haven’t given too much away, which is a good thing.

The cast from the first movie are all back again, and this is also a good thing, since they all did a terrific job the first time around capturing the personalities of the iconic crew of the Starship Enterprise. Chris Pine is back as Captain Kirk, Zachary Quinto returns as Mr. Spock (he was phenomenal in the first movie), Karl Urban as Dr. McCoy, Simon Pegg as Scotty, Zoe Saldana as Uhura, Anton Yelchin as Chekov, and John Cho as Sulu.

I’m looking forward to this one.

LS: Me, too. I enjoyed Abrams’ first STAR TREK movie. It actually held up pretty well, even though he kind of put his own spin on these iconic characters. So I’m expecting more of the same with INTO DARKNESS. Should be a good time.

On the weekend of May 24, we’ll be reviewing THE HANGOVER PART III (2013). Do we really need a PART III? I don’t know. I liked the original a lot, the second one wasn’t as good, but it had some big laughs. I’m sure PART III will have laughs, too, but where else can they go with this series? As usual, Hollywood gets a hit and they flog it to death. But maybe THE HANGOVER series still has more to offer. We’ll see.

MA: I’m looking forward to it. I’m actually looking forward to the entire month of May’s releases. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been largely disappointed with the movies that have come out so far in 2013, generally speaking. I’m hoping that May’s releases change this.

LS: I haven’t been too disappointed. I’ve seen at least four movies so far this year that might make my “Best of 2013” list, so I can’t complain too much. I’m usually not a big fan of brainless big-budget blockbusters, but this year’s crop of May movies look better than average.

MA: I can think of two so far that would make my “Best of” list, and we’re about to enter May, so like I said, I haven’t been too impressed by this year’s crop of films.

But I do love THE HANGOVER movies, although I recently re-watched PART 2 on Blu-Ray and didn’t find it as funny as I did the first time. Still, how can you not enjoy the insanity which surrounds Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis)? The stories in the first two movies are just so over the top I find it nearly impossible not to laugh at them. I suspect the third film in the series will be just as nutty.

If you like your comedy with an edge, then THE HANGOVER movies are the films for you.

LS: Don’t gush too much. I guess THE HANGOVER movies have kind of an edge for mainstream R-rated comedies, but I really haven’t found them all that shocking. I do hope there is more of Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) this time around, though.

MA: It’s directed by Todd Phillips, who directed the previous two HANGOVER movies, but once again it’s not the original writers penning the script. It’s written by Phillips and Craig Mazin, the same pair who wrote PART II.

We finish May with a promising thriller, THE PURGE, which opens on May 31. Starring Ethan Hawke, this dark actioner tells the tale of a futuristic society that allows crime to run rampant for one night of the year and what happens to one family in particular on this brutal night. From the producers of the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and SINISTER (2012), this one is written and directed by James DeMonaco, who doesn’t have a whole lot of credits, but he did write the screenplay for the remake of ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (2005) which I remember liking a lot.

This one looks like it has promise.

LS: The trailer for this one looks really cool. And there are more sinister villains in masks, reminiscent of THE STRANGERS (2008). Ethan Hawke also had a really good showcase in his last movie with these producers—SINISTER, which I liked a lot—so I am eager to see what they come up with this time.

MA: Also opening on May 31 is the thriller NOW YOU SEE ME (2013), an interesting-looking yarn about a team of illusionists who rob banks. It’s got a great cast which includes Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Elias Koteas.

It’s directed by Louis Leterrier, who directed the CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010) remake, which I didn’t like, but he also directed THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008) starring Edward Norton, which I really liked.

It’s written by Ed Solomon, Boaz Yakin, and Edward Ricourt. I hope to review this one solo as well on this last weekend of May.

LS: Yeah, if you review that one, you’ll be seeing it by yourself. However, I might be reviewing a few movies solo this month too, if they are showing near me. Some films coming out in limited release in May include THE ICEMAN, starring Michael Shannon as a real-life hitman and serial killer; the indie vampire movie KISS OF THE DAMNED; and the new movie by Ben Wheatley, who made my favorite film of last year, KILL LIST; this one’s called SIGHTSEERS, and I’m sure I’ll be reviewing at least one of these before the month is over.

MA: All in all, it looks like May is going to be a good month for movies.

LS: Okay, I have my Iron Man suit on. Now it’s time to take it on a flight.

MA (shaking head): I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

LS: Ignition! (Rockets ignite, blasting MA in a fiery ball of flame.) Oops!

MA (charred and smoking): Oops? That’s all you have to say?

LS: How about, “See ya!” (Ignites rockets and flies off into the sky).

MA: He really burns me up (drum beat). Anyway, folks, we’ll see you this weekend with a review of our first May movie, IRON MAN 3.

LS: Look out below! (LS in IRON MAN suits flies into the ground, creating a huge smoky crater.)

MA: Oops!

—END—

QUICK CUTS: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SAM RAIMI MOVIE?

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2013, Classic Films, Crime Films, Demonic Possession, Demons, Drive-in Movies, Fun Stuff!, Horror, Indie Horror, Marvel Comics, Quick Cuts, Sam Raimi, Superheroes with tags A Simple Plan, EVIL DEAD, sam raimi, Spider-Man on March 15, 2013 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SAM RAIMI MOVIE?
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel Keohane, Kelly Laymon, and Paul McMahon

MICHAEL ARRUDA: With Sam Raimi’s latest movie OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (2013) now in theaters, we’ve decided to celebrate the occasion by asking our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters to name their favorite Sam Raimi film.

Okay Cinema Knife Fighters, What’s your favorite Sam Raimi movie, and why?

*****

DANIEL KEOHANE: I’d have to say SPIDER-MAN (2002), being a major web-slinger fan as a kid. Granted, ARMY OF DARKNESS (1992) was a hoot when I saw it at 2:00 am during a 24-hour film festival… but overall, his first SPIDER-MAN is on top of the list.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Yeah, I have to agree with you. My favorite has to be the first SPIDER-MAN (2002), as well. True, SPIDER-MAN 2 (2004) might be the better movie, but I remember being so blown away and impressed by the first one, for me, it remains my favorite Raimi picture.

Sure, there are his EVIL DEAD movies, and his thrillers like THE GIFT (2000), and the current OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is pretty amazing, but personally, I prefer Spidey over the Wizard and a bunch of munchkins any day of the week.

KELLY LAYMON: I have zero interest in the new OZ flick. Partly because I thought it was released four weeks ago when they had the giant premiere by my old apartment and I had to see James Franco, Mila Kunis, and Michelle Williams in a true giant hot air balloon above my apartment.

But as much as I enjoy the EVIL DEAD films and the SPIDER-MAN flicks, I might have to go A SIMPLE PLAN (1998) on this one. (And I’m overlooking his baseball flick, which people know kills me!) But I just love a good crime movie where money and some dead bodies muddy the entire situation. I love stories about people who are presented with an opportunity and act drastically.

PAUL MCMAHON: THE EVIL DEAD (1981) is my favorite Raimi film. I had a co-worker hand me a VHS tape of it.

“This is the worst-looking movie you’ll ever love,” he said.

I watched it twice in a row that night and ordered my first copy the next morning. The rest of his work is pretty good (with the possible exception of SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007), but I can’t imagine living in a world where THE EVIL DEAD doesn’t exist.

L.L. SOARES: Yeah, I have to agree with Paul. I remember seeing THE EVIL DEAD the first time at a drive-in theater. It was the second feature after George A. Romero’s DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), which I had seen about 10 times by then. I’d heard about EVIL DEAD but hadn’t seen it, and it was a real treat. It was just gory and insane and Bruce Campbell was amazing as Ash. While I’ve enjoyed Raimi’s work since then, including his often-overlooked slapstick flick CRIME WAVE (1985) and the underrated DRAG ME TO HELL (2009), nothing comes close to the original EVIL DEAD for me.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Well that’s it for this edition of QUICK CUTS. See you again next week with reviews of more new movies.

—END—

4 Comments »

Dan Keohane’s Picks for THE BEST FILMS OF 2012

Posted in 2012, 2013, Best Of Lists, Daniel Keohane Reviews, James Bond, Superheroes with tags Avengers, Beasts, Best of 2012, Dan Keohane, Hunger Games, Les Miserables, Spider-Man on January 9, 2013 by knifefighter

DAN KEOHANE’S TOP 10 FILMS OF 2012
By Dan Keohane

Ok, so, though you haven’t seen much of me in these webbie, wobbly… thingies we call Cinema Knife Fight, that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen my share of movies this year. In fact, I was pretty amazed how many 2012 releases I’d seen (still nowhere near enough, however). There are a number of movies I did not, or have not yet been able to see (DJANGO UNCHAINED, CLOUD ATLAS, LIFE OF PI and HITCHCOCK to name only a few), but of the films I did manage to see, here are my FAVORITE FILMS OF 2012:

1. THE AVENGERS—I was left a little wanting with CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011) especially in its latter half, and IRON MAN 2 (2010) was a pretty weak sequel in my opinion, so I was worried about how THE AVENGERS would work out. Oh, Me of Little Faith. Joss Whedon hit this out of the park, as did every cast member. It says a lot when an entire cast’s performance makes Samuel L. Jackson’s seem almost boring. Great fun, especially for a lifetime comic fan like myself.

2. LES MISERABLES—I know, this isn’t a genre film, but I had to include it. My wife cried pretty much all the way through this, and she’d seen the play 3 times before this. I didn’t cry, but was blown away by the vocals, the acting, the choreography—you name it. The movie was brilliant. It should tell you something that I had to pee for the last 45 minutes but didn’t get up until the credits rolled.

3. FLIGHT—A sleeper that I don’t think many people saw, unfortunately. This intense, heroic and sad story of a pilot who saves a crashing airliner only to face his own demons (alcoholism and drug abuse) gives star Denzel Washington a chance to command the screen every moment he’s up there. Powerful movie.

4. SKYFALL—In my opinion, this is the best James Bond movie ever. I hear that some people fell victim to raised expectations going in and I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. If you thought Roger Moore was the best James Bond, with all the gimmicks and jokes, you might not like this back-to-basics, serious spy flick. But I did—a lot. In my mind, Daniel Craig is the best Bond, hands down.

5. THE HUNGER GAMES—An extremely good adaptation of the masterful YA novel, with a cast pulled right from the pages. The editing during battle scenes was choppy and scattered—but this was deliberate both to show the chaos and to keep the film from getting an R rating (thus excluding 90% of its audience). But that was the only negative aspect in my opinion. Besides, if I didn’t include it here, my daughter will never forgive me.

6. THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY—This was exactly what I had hoped from Peter Jackson & Co., and more so. I actually left the theater wishing we’d seen the 3D version, which is unlike me, because it was so visually stunning. Very well cast, the film pays loving homage to the first third of the relatively short Hobbit novel, while adding enough extras (from other Tolkien sources) to keep you interested for 2.5+ hours. The Gollum vs. Bilbo scene itself is worth the price.

7. LOOPER—A smart, fast-paced science fiction film which does not try to explain every little detail but appreciates the intelligence of 80% of its audience. This time travel story of a man from the future trying to keep his past self from killing him in the past is fast-paced and exciting and not as confusing as I make it sound—besides, this is only half the story.

8. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN—I was not sure how this reboot / reimagining of the Spidey mythos would work (though I knew it needed something after 2007’s repetitious SPIDERMAN 3). I was pleasantly surprised. It was fun, funny, clever and exciting, as it should be.

9. WRECK-IT RALPH—Came into this one with my 21-year old son not knowing much about it, but left warm and fuzzy having seen a clever, funny and sweet film which gives many nods to the video games that were around when I was 21.

10. BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD—This odd, almost experimental film is not for everyone. My wife Linda did not like it. I was spellbound from the beginning to the end. What exactly is going on it not always clear, except that these are some poor, poor people living off an unforgiving land which is about to get even more unforgiving. The relationship between the little girl and her semi-abusive, semi-loving father is equally warm and heart-wrenching.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

THE LORAX (was sweet and clever and did my favorite Dr. Seuss book justice)

THE WOMAN IN BLACK (a great and spooky gothic horror, with minimal music blasts to scare you, just creepy settings and scary scenes)

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (very good finale to the series, but not my favorite of 2012, and not *quite* as good as the first two films).

Finally, even though they’re on TV and not the big screen, want to at least give a nod to THE WALKING DEAD and DOCTOR WHO as very enjoyable, unique and captivating viewing as always.

(If you noticed PROMETHEUS is missing from these lists, yes, I still have a couple of healing wounds, but I blame my own expectations for the film, not Mister Scott. He made the film he wanted to and it was vey good in its own right. )

There were many more that did not make the Top 10 but which were extremely good films in my option (CHRONICLE, THE GREY, MOONRISE KINGDOM, among others) and some not so good, but I’m out of room. I wish everyone a wonderful 2013 and hopefully we’ll see each other here more often in the months to come.

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou’s TOP 20 MOVIES OF 2012

Posted in 2012, 2013, Best Of Lists, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Comedies, Drama, Horror, Musicals, Science Fiction, Superheroes, William Carl Articles with tags Battleship, Best Movies of 2012, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Les Miserables, Life of Pi, The Avengers, William Carl on January 3, 2013 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

Presents

Top 20 Movies of 2012

I hate admitting it, but 2012 turned out to be an exceptional year for film entertainment. When I made out my list of favorites for the year, I was astounded to find twenty six movies listed, and these were the ones I really, REALLY liked. So, in all fairness to the year that was, I am making a list of twenty best this year. Please keep in mind, I have not been able to view everything released. I still haven’t seen THE MASTER, ZERO DARK THIRTY, PROMISED LAND, and others, but I have seen the films listed below, and they were all terrific in their own way.

And now, counting backwards:

20. THE AVENGERS – A comic book movie done right! Exciting, funny, if a bit too long; it was always entertaining.

19. SAVAGES – Oliver Stone brings us a wickedly twisted take on Don Winslow’s great novel and gives Salma Hayek her best role ever as a Mexican drug kingpin.

18. CABIN IN THE WOODS – A hoot and a half for horror lovers, this clever film turned the viewer into an active participant.

17. MAGIC MIKE – Filmed in beautiful pastel hues, this is more than a stripper movie; it’s a rom-com with just the right bit of silliness to combat the sweet. I hate admitting how good this is or how good Channing Tatum is in the lead.

16. THE RAID: REDEMPTION – Asian action to the tenth degree, this movie was more exciting than a hundred Hollywood blockbusters at a hundredth of the budget.

15. JOHN CARTER – Maligned by critics who never read Edgar Rice Burroughs, this is a faithful, old-fashioned and FUN film that brought out the twelve year old boy in me.

14.THE BAY – I thought I hated found footage films by now, but Barry Levinson made it fresh again with a truly horrifying take on a parasitic outbreak. It brought immediacy to the drama without making me scream “Put down the damn camera and run!” at the screen. Best horror film of the year.

13. PITCH PERFECT – Aca-hilarious! This does for acappella choirs what BRING IT ON (2000) did for cheerleading. A funny, wise-assed script, terrific music, and the best use ever for a John Hughes ending. I loved this even though I knew I shouldn’t.

12. THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS and WRECK IT RALPH– Who expects wit in a cartoon? These are both full of wit and wonder, beautifully animated, funny, and better than anything Pixar has done in years.

11. THE IMPOSTER- Riveting documentary about a boy who disappeared and the young man who claimed, four years later, to be that missing kid. Why didn’t the family report him to the police when it is so obvious he wasn’t their son?

10. LIFE OF PI – Easily the most beautiful and transcendent of the top twenty, Ang Lee’s terrifying story of a boy trapped on a life raft with a Bengal Tiger is scary and moving, opening up questions about truth and story-telling. Every writer should watch this one.

9. LINCOLN – Absorbing historical film with a riveting performance by Daniel Day Lewis. Some say it is slow moving, but the scenes of Congress battling over the future of slavery are gripping and beautifully written and directed. Spielberg’s best film since 2005’s MUNICH.

8. BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD – Nobody I know saw this lyrical, gorgeous, fascinating story of a childhood in poverty and the beauty a little girl creates within her fantasy world to block out reality. Rectify this and watch it now.

7. LOOPER – The best science fiction movie in years. Thoughtful, well-acted, and intense in ways most thrillers aren’t. Welcome back to the fold, Bruce Willis. We missed you.

6. MOONRISE KINGDOM – Wes Anderson’s lovely film about childhood and how we want to protect our children from themselves. It’s also a perfect blend of whimsy and Anderson’s perfect visual compositions.

5. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED – A wonderful comedy that sneaks up on you and remains with you forever. Snarkiness is rampant, but the heart of this movie is worn on its sleeve, and the ending will make you believe in love and the impossible.

4. DJANGO UNCHAINED – Quentin Tarantino’s homage to Italian Westerns is an incredible piece of work with numerous great performances, terrific music and songs, the best shoot-out since THE WILD BUNCH (1969), and the funniest scene ever involving the KKK.

3. ARGO – Possibly the most entertaining movie of the year with a great script, tight direction, lots of suspense, humor, and John Goodman and Alan Arkin in career bests. This is crackerjack Hollywood filmmaking, the kind you rarely see anymore, and everything in it works. Ben Afleck has become one of our best directors. How the hell did that happen?

2. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK – This is how you make a crowd pleaser without resorting to mawkishness and pandering. Two fragile, emotionally disturbed people meet, become friends, and help each other win a dance contest. Sounds hokey, right? It isn’t. This movie is so well acted and directed that I can’t imagine anyone not being moved by it.

1. LES MISERABLES – With all the faults of the stage play, this is still a wondrous experience in a theater. The actors sang their songs live – something unheard of in movie musicals – with varying results, but the immediacy and emotion this brought out of the score make this the closest we’ll ever get to a live Broadway Show on film. Plus, someone just engrave Anne Hathaway’s name on the Oscar now. I was reduced to an emotional puddle by the end, as was the entire audience.

*****

WORST FILM OF THE YEAR – No competition! BATTLESHIP was everything an action movie shouldn’t be…overblown, overlong, dull, unfunny, badly acted, with the dumbest script I have ever heard. My mouth hung ajar over this fiasco. And not in a good, “let’s make fun of it” manner! This snoozefest blew up everything in its path and still nearly put me to sleep.

Honestly, what a great year!

Remote Outpost Looks at: THE FALL 2012 TV SEASON

Posted in 2012, Comedies, Horror, Mark Onspaugh Columns, Remote Outpost, Science Fiction, Superheroes, Television, TV Pilots, TV Shows with tags American Horror, Animal Practice, Arrow, Beauty and the Beast, Last Resort, Mockingbird Lane, Remote Outpost, Revolution, Television on November 21, 2012 by knifefighter

REMOTE OUTPOST Takes a Look at
THE FALL 2012 TV SEASON
Written by Mark Onspaugh

You find yourself on a barren and desolate world, light years from anything or anyone you know… Without much food or water, your oxygen running low, you strike out for the distant hills… After days of torturous climbing, you see an oasis below. An installation of Quonset huts bedecked with hundreds of television antennae. Congratulations, Traveler, you’ve reached… the REMOTE OUTPOST.

****

OUTPOST UPDATE: By now you’ve probably seen the President’s address, the various news specials and viewed the onsite footage. Since it’s been declassified, I can tell you the Outpost had been infested with Tofugitives. As you know, this is a plague of giant, sentient slugs that target populations of carnivorous, T-bone eating humans; consuming them and producing soy-based replicants nearly indistinguishable from the original. Since many on my crew are often in a somnolent state or snorting Snart, it was impossible to determine there had been an outbreak until the Outpost was overrun. But everything’s… everything’s fine, now… send your research ships… and tourists… yes, lots of tourists… the more, the better. And some blocks of tofu would be… most appreciated, humans… er, friends.

And now, on to today’s exciting column.

WHAT’S NEW IN GENRE TV, ANYWAY?

Well, it was just like Christmas at the Space-Orphanage: a few gifts around the tree, some disappointing, a couple surprisingly wonderful, and the rest a pile of used astro-diapers, steeped in a puddle of tears and hair torn out in frustration.

****

REVOLUTION (NBC, Mondays at 10pm EST)

The network is touting this as a breakout hit, and probably think they’ve caught lightning in the LOST (2004-2010) bottle. The show was created by Eric Kripke, who also created SUPERNATURAL. The series concerns an inexplicable catastrophe that shuts down all electrical power. Nothing works, and the pilot had planes falling from the skies as cities went dark. We pick up some fifteen years later, when some have created small, rural communities and others are forming fascistic attempts at a new world order. And, certain people have a strange medallion which sometimes lights up and powers any machinery or devices in the immediate area. I have to admit I bailed on SUPERNATURAL in the first season, because I just never felt invested in the Brothers Winchester, much as I wanted to be. I found the same problem with REVOLUTION. I love science fiction, and desperately hope for something as engaging as the best of the STAR TREK universe, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (2004-2009) or STARGATE: UNIVERSE (2009-2011). I just found the villains on the show to be over-the-top mustache-twirlers, and the heroes tiresome and (frankly) boring. But, I have been wrong before. I gave up on STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (2001-2005) early on because of the characters, then a good friend told me how terrific the story arcs were in later seasons. And you know what? He was right. If such a person tells me I missed the boat on REVOLUTION, I’ll rent the DVD’s.

****

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM (FX Channel, Wednesdays at 10pm EST)

I loved the first season of AMERICAN HORROR STORY – it was fresh and inventive, had engaging characters and some genuinely scary and creepy moments. I applauded the idea that each season would bring a different setting and story arc, though some of the actors would be the same. ASYLUM bounces back and forth between a couple visiting an abandoned asylum and running afoul of a serial killer called “Bloody Face,” and the same asylum in its heyday in the 60’s. Besides serial killers and a Nazi doctor a la Mengele (and H.G. Wells’s Moreau), the first two and a half episodes had an exorcism, alien abductions and a nun possessed by the devil. The cast has some terrific actors, including Jessica Lange as Sister Jude, James Cromwell as Dr. Arden and Zachary Quinto as Dr. Thredson. Maybe I am just tired of hospitals and asylums as a setting for horror stories… It could be the torture aspects, which I have never been crazy about (and were lacking in season one)… But… Watching the episodes I had TiVo’ed just felt like homework, which is a bad sign. It may be that there are just too many elements – Nazis, aliens, demons and nuns? I’d love to see creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk develop a series about alien abductions in the 60’s – that would probably be scary as hell… Or just nuns and demons… Or just Nazi experiments in creating animal-men… Again, if I find later I have given up prematurely, I will re-check it out.

****

LAST RESORT (ABC, Thursdays at 8pm EST)

I had been looking forward to this series, because I am a big fan of Andre Braugher (HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET, 1993-1998, THIEF,2006 and MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE, 2009-2011) and the series was created by Shawn Ryan, the man behind the awesome series THE SHIELD (2002-2008). If that ain’t enough cred, Robert Patrick is just terrific as Master Chief Prosser. Patrick was the living metal Terminator in TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991) and Agent John Doggett on THE X-FILES (1993-2002). LAST RESORT concerns the USS Colorado, a nuclear sub commanded by Captain Marcus Chaplain (Braugher). The sub picks up a contingent of Navy Seals with a prisoner. Soon after, they are commanded to nuke Pakistan. Since the orders come from a secondary relay, Chaplain refuses. Then the U.S. fires on the Colorado, trying to destroy it. Chaplain commandeers a remote island and declares a 200 mile barrier around it until they can sort things out. To prove his point, he fires a nuke at Washington, its actual course taking it out to sea so no one is killed. The show is filled with conflict, both on the sub and the island and back home. Has there been a coup? Who can be trusted? Loyalties and alliances constantly shift and dangers come from within and from without (including the islanders themselves). I don’t know where the show is going, but it’s very, very engaging, and that’s what I want more than ever. Homework? Not this one.

Scott Speedman, Robert Patrick and Andre Braugher in LAST RESORT.

****

ARROW (The CW, Wednesdays at 8pm EST)

Another pleasant surprise, although the trailer had sold me. Many think this is a SMALLVILLE (2001-2011) version of the Green Arrow, and it’s easy to understand why. SMALLVILLE had its own version of the Green Arrow. He was also an incarnation of GA where Oliver Queen is shipwrecked and develops his archery skills to survive until he is rescued. But that Oliver was embroiled in SMALLVILLE’s brand of soap opera teen angst, which often took precedence over the action. This version of the Green Arrow is much grittier. Here, Oliver is a shallow playboy who convinces his girlfriend’s sister to go with him on a pleasure cruise on his father’s yacht. The yacht goes down, and only Oliver, his father and another man survive. Knowing they only have limited rations and Oliver is no fighter, his father gives him a journal outlining the corruption in Starling City before killing the other man and taking his own life. Oliver is helped on the island by a Chinese sort of Robinson Crusoe and undergoes a profound change. Upon returning, he pretends to be the shallow billionaire playboy, but by night he dons the Lincoln green and goes after the people on the list… And this Green Arrow kills! Finally, a superhero with lethal skills going the distance. (I’m lookin’ at you, Wolverine!) Mind you, I wouldn’t want to see Superman or Batman killing people, but Queen as a murderous vigilante brings a whole new level to the story. Stephen Amell is quite good as Oliver, and his girlfriend is an attorney named… Dinah Lance. Black Canary, anyone? Hmm, maybe – she already mentioned to Oliver that she regretted wearing fishnets to a Halloween party… Green Arrow and Black Canary? Yes, please!

****

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (The CW, Thursdays at 9pm EST)

I know as a galactic pilot and critic I should take one for the team (that being you Earthers), but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch this. I could barely make it through the promos, and this did seem like a SMALLVILLE-ified version of the series made famous in 1987-1990 with Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton. I guess partially because the “beauty” in this case is Kristin Kreuk, who played Lana Lang in SMALLVILLE. If you love the show, let me know. Otherwise, let’s pretend it’s not even on and move on…

****

MOCKINGBIRD LANE (Aired on NBC on October 26, 2012 – Unsold Pilot)

Another show I looked forward to because I loved THE MUNSTERS (1964-1966) as a kid and this was Bryan Fuller’s take… Fuller created DEAD LIKE ME (2003-2004), which is still one of my all-time favorite series. I knew this would be a grittier take on Herman and his family, because I had read that Eddie “wolfs out” and kills several members of his Scout troop. (Hmm, another show made attractive by murder… Paging Dr. Freud!) Anyway, I didn’t want to read anything else, and that was both a blessing and a curse. This is actually a version of the Munsters where they have been liberally mixed with THE ADDAMS FAMILY (1964-1966) – these Munsters look perfectly human, but also know they are special. There is a nice sight gag when we first meet Herman – standing in the shadows, a hanging lamp behind him alters his silhouette into the block-headed and bolted Monster we all know and love. Herman is played by Jerry O’Connell, who was a lot of fun in SLIDERS (1995-2000) and seemed more famous in later years for marrying Rebecca Romijn (“Mystique” in X-MEN 2000), but he is quite good here. His Herman only has one piece of “original” equipment, his heart, which is giving out. He is afraid a new heart will change him. Lily is played by the wonderful Portia de Rossi, so damn funny in BETTER OFF TED (2009-2010), and her first appearance is right out of Ray Bradbury, as spiders spin a gown on her shapely form. Grandpa? Eddie Izzard. Man, I’d tune in just to watch Izzard alone. His grandpa looks like Eddie, but can morph into a bat-winged demon (part gargoyle, part Nosferatu) to feed. The pilot was sly and well written, and underneath was the running thread of love and family unity… and people… people who feed on people, being the luckiest people in the world. I was ready to make MOCKINGBIRD LANE part of my week, but sadly, this is an unsold pilot, aired to recoup some network bucks… Sad, because the writing, acting and production values were all top-notch, including the cameo by Spot at the end, which was just killer. Oh, well…

****

The short-lived series ANIMAL PRACTICE

ANIMAL PRACTICE (NBC, Wednesdays at 8pm EST – Canceled)

A word about this show, which has already been cancelled while dreck like the NBC sitcom WHITNEY survives like some malignant virus. ANIMAL PRACTICE concerned a vet who didn’t like people and his best friend, Dr. Rizzo, a small capuchin monkey in her own lab coat. Tyler Labine was also in the show (if you haven’t seen him and Alan Tudyk in TUCKER AND DALE vs EVIL, 2010, you’re missing a true gem), and it was pretty off-the-wall. Not a show that would be deemed a classic (not yet), but damn, that monkey made me laugh – every… stinking… episode. TV needs more monkeyshines, less Whitney.

****

Final Note: My favorite shows currently are THE WALKING DEAD (AMC, Sunday nights at 10pm EST), SONS OF ANARCHY (FX Channel, Tuesdays at 10pm EST) and BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO, Sundays at 9pm EST ). All are just terrific, and each is well written, acted and produced – well worth your time. I also have high hopes for the SyFy series DEFIANCE, coming in the near future.

OUTPOST… out.

1 Comment »

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012)

Posted in 2012, Action Movies, Based on Comic Book, Cinema Knife Fights, DC Comics, Revenge!, Superheroes with tags Anne Hathaway, Bane, batman, Catwoman, christian bale, christopher nolan, gary oldman, Superhero Movies. Dark Knight, Tom Hardy on July 24, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(SCENE: INTERIOR OF THE BAT CAVE. MICHAEL ARRUDA enters and presses a button that opens a secret panel. Inside is a BATMAN costume, which he puts on. He is next seen standing in front of a mirror, looking at himself)

ARRUDA
(Looks very serious)

I’m Batman.

(L.L. SOARES suddenly appears behind him, also wearing a BATMAN costume.

SOARES

No, I’m Batman.

ARRUDA

Not this again! We can’t both be Batman!

SOARES

That’s right. So you’ll have to change.

ARRUDA

I was Batman first.

(ALFRED the Butler arrives and pushes the two of them apart)

ALFRED

Enough of this fighting! You two hooligans have a movie to review.

SOARES

He’s right, you know. Alfred’s always right.

ARRUDA

Then why don’t you start it off, then.

SOARES

Maybe I will!

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012) is the third movie in the Batman trilogy by director Christopher Nolan, which began with BATMAN BEGINS (2005) and THE DARK KNIGHT (2008). As this new movie begins, it is eight years after the events of the last one. The death of Harvey Dent, the crusading district attorney who was also the villainous Two-Face in the last movie, has been blamed on Batman. Bruce Wayne—who is Batman’s alter ego for anyone who just arrived from Mars…

(JOHN CARTER walks by.)

JOHN CARTER

Thanks for letting me know.

SOARES

So, as I was saying, Bruce Wayne not only retired his caped persona, he completely retired from the outside world, holing up in his room and becoming a mysterious, unseen figure who everyone thinks is a reclusive nut like Howard Hughes. Wayne now walks with a cane and has his meals delivered to his room by servants.

Enter Selina Kyle, a waitress for a party at Wayne’s mansion, who is really a nefarious cat burglar (although she is never called it in the movie, she’s obviously the Batman nemesis Catwoman!!). She sneaks up into Bruce Wayne’s room to deliver his dinner, and robs his safe in the process. He lets her get away because he has a tracking device on the pearl necklace she swiped.

ARRUDA

Actually, the movie begins with a bang with the villain Bane kidnapping a Russian scientist from an airplane in mid-flight. It’s a rapid-fire action scene, that was very Bond-like.

SOARES

True enough. I liked that scene a lot, by the way, and I wish the whole movie was as action-packed.

What makes Bruce Wayne return to the world, especially his beloved Gotham City, is the arrival of the murderous Bane, who takes up residence in the sewers of the city, with an army of mercenaries who will do anything for him, even die. As Wayne (and we) eventually learns, his past and Bane’s are actually linked. And in this bad guy, Batman might have finally met his match.

So Bane is the main baddie here, but Selina Kyle shows up a lot to provide more villainy, although hers is less obviously bad, since there’s a lot of sexual tension between her and Batman. In a lot of ways, Catwoman seems more like an anti-hero who makes her living stealing expensive stuff than a true villain. And while there are moments when she proves she might not be the best person to trust, there are other scenes that give her a chance to redeem herself.

By the time Bane has taken over Gotham City with his gang of thugs, cutting the city off from the outside world by blowing up all ways out, and getting that previously mentioned Russian scientist to activate a nuclear bomb (formerly a fusion device to create unlimited clean fuel, but now turned into a weapon)in order to hold the city ransom, the story has become a comic book-inspired epic with only Batman standing between the life and death of Gotham! Bane tells the citizenry that he is doing this for their own good—leading a revolution to give the city back to the people—a revolution that includes freeing all violent convicts from their prison for some reason…

Of course, Batman isn’t much help later on in the movie when his back is broken!

ARRUDA

Yes, his back is broken, but not his spirit.

SOARES

Well, once again, Christopher Nolan delivers a big, nicely shot film with lots of atmosphere. Let’s face it, Nolan movies look great.

ARRUDA

I agree.

SOARES

But I had some big problems with this one. While I thought it looked good, and I liked the story for the most part, I thought THE DARK KNIGHT RISES was way too long, and that the pacing was incredibly slow at times.

ARRUDA

I don’t know if I’d call it incredibly slow, but yes, there were some parts where things slowed down a bit.

SOARES

This is not the first time I’ve felt this way about a Nolan movie. Both of his previous Batman films were over two hours long as well, with BATMAN BEGINS clocking in at 140 minutes and THE DARK KNIGHT coming in at 152 minutes. But THE DARK KNIGHT RISES has them both beat, clocking in at 164 minutes—well over two and a half hours!—and there were lots of times when the movie felt that long to me, if not longer. Instead of being an action movie, more than half of THE DARK KNIGHT RISES is an inaction movie. But this isn’t just the case with his Batman movies. I felt the same way about Nolan’s INCEPTION (2010), which was also big and complex and ambitious and flashy, but also painfully slow at times. This guy needs an editor who can actually say “no” sometimes. And if he finds one, he should lend the person out to Martin Scorsese, too, who has been just as indulgent the last couple of decades.

I just really don’t like the pacing here at all. And I think Nolan is only able to get away with this because he’s considered a director with “vision” —and the fact that these movies make a ton of money!

In comparison, a movie like Marvel’s THE AVENGERS is a lot less complex, but twice as much fun.

ARRUDA

Yes, THE AVENGERS is more fun, and I definitely liked THE AVENGERS more than THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, but it’s more fun because the whole Marvel superhero world is more fun than the darker DC Batman world.

SOARES

But there’s a lot to like here as well. The performances by the lead characters are great. Christian Bale again plays Bruce Wayne/Batman, and he does a decent job here, even if I think Batman is a lot more interesting than Wayne.

ARRUDA

I would have to say that of his three performances as Batman, Bale impressed me the most here in this movie. I bought that he had given up on the world, after the death of his girlfriend Rachel in THE DARK KNIGHT. I liked his Bruce Wayne scenes here much more than in the other two movies, I think because he wasn’t going around as the silly billionaire playboy. Bruce Wayne seems to be facing some problem in nearly every scene he’s in.

And I really felt his anger as Batman when he was trying to defeat Bane and failing. Batman feeds off this anger as the movie goes on, and he uses it to drive himself to get back into shape, to heal his body and break out of prison and eventually get back to Gotham.

I really enjoyed Christian Bale’s performance in this movie, more so than in the previous two Batman movies.

SOARES

Anne Hathaway actually surprised me as Selina Kyle/ Catwoman. I have to admit, when I first heard she had been cast in the role, I thought it was a mistake, but she turns out to be one of the best things about THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. She’s pretty much perfect in her scenes, and I wished she was onscreen more!

(CATWOMAN pops up in a window)

CATWOMAN

That’s a simply puuurrrr-fect description of my role in this movie.

SOARES

Why thank you!

ARRUDA

I liked Hathaway a lot too. She delivers a fine performance. However, I was more wowed by Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman in BATMAN RETURNS (1992). Of the two, Pfeiffer delivered the more dominating performance.

(THE PENGUIN pops up from under the floor)

PENGUIN

But how come I’m not in this one? Quack quack quack.

CATWOMAN

You can’t be in all the movies.

PENGUIN

But I’ve never even heard of this Bane guy before. Quack quack.

SOARES

I always wondered, Mr. Penguin. Why do you always quack like a duck when you’re supposed to be a penguin?

PENGUIN

How dare you, you whippersnapper! I might just whack you with my old umbrella. Quack quack quack.

ARRUDA

I always wondered that too.

CATWOMAN

Me, too!

SOARES

I don’t think he knows a whole lot about birds.

ALFRED

The real Batman is on his way! He’s coming!

PENGUIN

Yikes! I better waddle out of here! Quack quack.

CATWOMAN

Me, too!

SOARES

I also really liked Tom Hardy as Bane. Not only is he a character who underwent the same physical training as Batman, and is not just brawn but brains as well, but his fight scenes with Batman are very intense and really seem dangerous. He’s a formidable bad guy who isn’t afraid to get his hands (or anything else) dirty, and Hardy makes him pretty menacing. With his thick, muscular body, and a freaky mask that looks like something out of the SAW films, Bane is visually intimidating as well.

ARRUDA

I liked Hardy a lot too, and his performance as Bane was one of my favorite parts of the movie. As you said, he’s a formidable foe—brutal, scary, and intense—and that first fight scene between Bane and Batman is one of the better scenes in the movie. You really feel that Batman just wants to pound this guy, but since they’re so evenly matched, he can’t, and then, once Bane gets the upper hand, the shift in power make Bane all the more deadly and reduces Batman to a near-dead prisoner.

SOARES

I thought that fight scene, especially, was amazing. It’s so visceral. It has more in common with a great boxing movie than a superhero movie.

ARRUDA

I had heard that it was really difficult to understand what Bane was saying in the movie, but I didn’t find this to be the case. Other than maybe for a brief line here and there, I understood him fine.

SOARES

Yeah, I understood him for the most part, too. But with that intricate mask of his, it is sometimes a little difficult to hear what he’s saying. Before I saw the movie, I’d heard a lot of people saying it was hard to hear him, too, but I noticed, if you listen carefully enough, it’s not that bad. Rumor has it that, for the final movie, Hardy redubbed some of his lines to make them more understandable, and yet sometimes you still have to listen closely to figure out what’s being said. For a big summer blockbuster, I don’t understand why his voice couldn’t have been even clearer. You shouldn’t have to struggle at all to hear a main character talk every time he’s onscreen.

ARRUDA

Like I said, I didn’t have a problem with this at all.

SOARES

I also thought Hardy should be applauded for keeping his mask on throughout the movie. If you notice, most actors want you to see their real face as much as possible. Think of Iron Man, who, even when he’s suited up, we get to see inside the helmet to see Robert Downey Jr.’s face a lot. It’s no doubt a matter of ego—actors, by nature, want to be seen—but in the comics, masks are a big party of the story, and movies that give us a lot of unnecessary unmaskings just to appease actors’ vanity (the Tobey Maguire SPIDER-MAN movies come instantly to mind) just annoy the hell out of me. If you’re going to play a masked character, go all the way with it, and Hardy does just that. But it doesn’t matter if you get to see his real face or not; he’s terrific in the role, and not seeing his face actually makes his character even darker. You forget that Tom Hardy is playing him and believe that this is Bane onscreen. The illusion isn’t broken.

As for the other characters in the movie, I always feel that the masked characters are the most interesting ones in a Batman movie, and I don’t care about the “normal” people as much. And the same is true here. No matter how much I think Gary Oldman is a great actor, his Commissioner Gordon mostly bores me to tears, as do most of the characters who aren’t the “big three.” Even Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a “cop with a secret,” while he might be the most compelling of the “civilian” characters, wasn’t exactly all that riveting a lot of the time. And Michael Caine is an acting legend, but his Alfred Pennyworth is one of his more mediocre roles at best.

ALFRED

How dare you!

ARRUDA

The role might be mediocre, but Caine certainly isn’t! He’s excellent here as Alfred. The same can be said for Gary Oldman as Commissioner Gordon. Neither one of these guys is boring.

SOARES

Says you!

ARRUDA

And while Joseph Gordon-Levitt is very good here, I felt the movie spent too much time on him. I would have rather seen more Catwoman scenes.

SOARES

Me, too. More Catwoman!!

But I’ve felt this way about all of the Nolan Batman movies, and thought this was the most glaring in the middle film, THE DARK KNIGHT, which might also have been the best film of the trilogy, where compared to Batman, Two-Face and especially Heath Ledger’s amazing turn as the Joker, the normal people were a total snooze.

ARRUDA

I completely disagree! There’s not a boring nanosecond in THE DARK KNIGHT, what are you talking about?

SOARES

Maybe if you weren’t such a fawning fanboy, you’d know what I’m talking about. The whole Asian gangster storyline in THE DARK KNIGHT especially, is tedious as hell. The slowness of the rest of the movie is what makes the Joker scenes even better, because Heath Ledger is the only one in the movie with a real pulse!

ARRUDA

That’s crap. The Asian gangster storyline in THE DARK KNIGHT isn’t dull at all. Have you forgotten the scene where Batman abducts the head Asian gangster from his heavily guarded skyscraper in a daring airplane escape, not to mention the scene where the Joker humiliates the Asian villains in front of the other gangsters?

But we should move on from THE DARK KNIGHT and get back to today’s movie, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.

SOARES

What this means is when costumed characters on not onscreen, the movie lags. And when a movie has as many pacing problems as THE DARK KNIGHT RISES does to begin with, this can be a little painful.

(A strange little creature appears out of thin air, dressed in a little Batman outfit)

SOARES

Who the hell are you?

BAT MITE

I’m Bat Mite! Don’t you recognize me from the old Batman cartoons of the 1970s? They added me so that little kids would watch the show. How come I’m not in this movie?

ARRUDA

Maybe because you’re awful.

SOARES

Yeah, for some reason I think you’d be out of place in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. You’re kind of a silly character.

BAT MITE

Silly? How dare you! I’ll have you know that I was even more popular than Scrappy Doo!

ALFRED

The real Batman’s coming! He’s almost here!

BAT MITE

Yikes, I better get out of here before he yells at me!

(BAT MITE disappears in a puff of smoke)

SOARES

I never understood what kind of creature Bat Mite was supposed to be. Do you know?

ARRUDA

Enough about that. Finish the review before the real Batman catches us here!

SOARES

Okay.

The screenplay by Christopher and Jonathan Nolan (based on a story by Christopher Nolan and comic book-screenwriter extraordinaire David S. Goyer)is uneven, but has a lot of potential. With a decent editor, tighter pacing, and the removal of unnecessary scenes that do not further the plot, this script, and the movie, could have been terrific. But it’s weakened a lot by its inability to keep things brisk and exciting throughout.

There are also lots of holes in logic if you look at it closely, one of which is how Bane and his gang were able to occupy Gotham for three whole months without the government or anyone else being able to stop them. And where are the other superheroes in the DC Universe? I guess they don’t exist in Nolan’s movies, but Superman could have been a big help here.

And, when Bruce Wayne finds himself in a weird prison called The Pit in another country, how does he get back to Gotham City when he finally finds his way out? It looks like he’s in the Middle East somewhere. And it’s not like they left him with his wallet and American Express traveler’s checks.

And did I mention the movie lags at times?

I thought there was a lot to like about THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, but also plenty that inhibited it from being the masterpiece Nolan set out to make. It’s more a movie with lots of potential than one that totally delivers the goods. For that reason, I give it three knives out of five, mostly because of the film’s epic scope and the fine acting of the leads.

What did you think of it, Michael?

ARRUDA

I liked it, but I can’t say that I loved it.

I can’t ignore the inevitable comparison to THE DARK KNIGHT, a movie that fired on all cylinders and was nearly perfect in its execution. It’s nearly impossible to repeat perfection, and THE DARK KNIGHT RISES is no exception. I agree with what you said about it being uneven.

First and foremost, the story isn’t as strong as the story in THE DARK KNIGHT. I understood completely where the Joker was coming from in THE DARK KNIGHT and what he was doing. He was all about one thing: chaos. It was simple, but it worked.

SOARES

Not entirely. The Joker’s storyline worked. Even the Two-Face stuff was pretty good. But the rest of it wasn’t all that compelling. I actually think, in some ways, the story in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES was a little better.

ARRUDA

I thought THE DARK KNIGHT story was tighter and much more compelling from start to finish.

Back to THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, I didn’t find Bane’s motives quite as easy to understand, and as much as I liked Bane as a villain, Tom Hardy doesn’t quite match the brilliance of what Heath Ledger did with his Joker.

SOARES

The characters are as different as apples and oranges. Bane was powerful and visceral and mostly spoke with his fists. The Joker was compelling because he was completely insane and unpredictable. Of course the more flamboyant role is going to be more entertaining.

ARRUDA

I don’t care if they’re not the same type of character. They’re both villains, and as such, Ledger’s performance as the Joker was off the charts. Hardy’s performance as Bane wasn’t.

The action scenes all looked good, but none of them really blew me away. I did like that first fight scene between Batman and Bane, but the second time they meet, the fight should have been better, but it’s not. That was disappointing.

I mentioned earlier how the opening scene was very James Bond-like, but at times, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES reminded me of another movie series: ROCKY. Like Rocky Balboa, Batman loses his “bout” to a stronger foe midway through the film, and then he has to train his older, broken body to fight against a stronger foe. I could almost hear Bill Conti’s ROCKY theme playing when Batman was building himself back up in that prison.

Like you, I wasn’t wowed by the screenplay, thought there were too many characters, and would have preferred a tighter story about Batman, Catwoman, and Bane, because I really liked these three characters.

And again, I think this was Bale’s best performance as Batman.

I place THE DARK KNIGHT RISES in the middle of Nolan’s Batman trilogy, behind THE DARK KNIGHT but better than the first one, BATMAN BEGINS.

I give THE DARK KNIGHT RISES three knives.

SOARES

That’s all? I was sure you were going to like this movie more than I did!

ARRUDA

In my book, three knives is a very good rating. I view two and a half knives as average, and I certainly found THE DARK KNIGHT RISES to be above average.

SOARES

Barely…

(The REAL BATMAN enters the room and is shocked to find two imposters wearing his costume)

REAL BATMAN

Alfred, what’s going on here? Who are these two idiots?

ALFRED

I have no idea, sir. I told them they couldn’t stay here, but they won’t leave.

ARRUDA

Uh oh, I guess we’ll have to wrap this one up.

SOARES

Yeah, thanks a lot for finking on us, Alfred! (to Arruda) We better get out of here before he tries to break our backs.

REAL BATMAN

(Shaking his fist)

I’ll get you two yet!

-END-

Michael Arruda gives THE DARK KNIGHT RISES~three knives.

LL Soares also gives THE DARK KNIGHT RISES ~three knives.

2 Comments »

Quick Cuts Presents: “I’M BATMAN!”

Posted in 2012, DC Comics, Quick Cuts, Superheroes with tags batman, johnny depp, Michael Cera, Quick Cuts, taylor lautner on July 18, 2012 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS: “I’m BATMAN!”
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Garrett Cook, and Dan Keohane

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Okay, everybody, it’s time for QUICK CUTS.

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012) opens on July 20, which means once again Batman will be lighting up the big screen.

Now, some people contend that anyone can play Batman, that it’s all in the mask. All you have to do is put the mask on, and you’re good to go. I’d say there’s some truth to this, if you look at some of the actors who’ve played Batman in recent years, Christian Bale, George Clooney, and Val Kilmer, for example.

L.L. SOARES: It is all in the mask. Just about anyone can play Batman, including me. (Puts on Batman mask. and grabs MA by the shoulders.) I’m friggin Batman! Now get the hell out of Gotham before I kick your ass! (takes off mask). See?

MA: I see that with or without the mask, you’re still a maniac. It makes no difference what you wear on your head.

Anyway, let’s have some fun.

The question for today’s panel is, who would you NOT want to see play Batman? Who’s the guy you absolutely would not want to see wear that Batman mask—EVER!

Garrett, who’s that guy for you?

GARRETT COOK: I, for one, while I am of the unpopular minority that thinks SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (2010) was a lot of fun and strangely heartfelt—.

LS: Good movie!

MA: I liked it, too!

GC: Anyway, with that being said, I would not want to see Michael Cera as the Dark Knight. While Will Arnett’ s Alfred would be an interesting mentor in life, I think the casting would be in the words of Gob Bluth “a big mistake.”

LS: I guess that cancels out Jesse Eisenberg, too, since he’s kind of a Michael Cera look-alike.

MA: My turn.

I’m going to go with Taylor Lautner. I don’t want to see Batman take his shirt off. If Lautner were to play Batman, it’d just about make me sick.

I also wouldn’t want to see Steve Carrell play Batman. I can see some director thinking that Michael Keaton did it, so why not tap another comedian? While I think Steve Carrell is great, I wouldn’t want to see him as Batman. He’d be the first millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne who couldn’t score with the women.

Lastly, I wouldn’t want to see John Cusack in the role. He’d be too intense, and as a result I think he’d be pretty unlikeable.

MA: Okay, Dan, who’s your pick?

DAN KEOHANE: OK, easy one right off the bat, and I’m surprised that none of you mentioned him yet: Johnny Depp.

MA: Good choice!

DK: I truly enjoy the actor in so many things, but I was a bit troubled by his Barnabas Collins role, both for the cartoonish freak he made him into, and for the disturbing fact that I actually found his performance quite creepy—no, liar!… no really—I hated the film, but liked him..

ANYWAY, please NO Johnny Depp for Batman, no, no, no!

My other contender for NEVER playing Batman would be Owen Wilson. Mostly because I think Batman might not be taken seriously if the nose on his cowl is bent all the time.

MA (to LS): Is there anyone you wouldn’t want to see in the role?

LS: Sure. There’s one guy I hope never gets the role, and that’s Corey Feldman! He’s so awful, he could ruin any role.

MA: Okay, folks, there you have it, our picks for the guys we least want to see put on that Batman cowl!

Until next time, thanks for tuning in!

—END—

1 Comment »

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

Posted in 2012, 3-D, Cinema Knife Fights, Marvel Comics, Superheroes with tags Amazing Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield, Denis Leary, Emma Stone, Marc Webb, The Lizard on July 9, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: The top of a skyscraper. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES walk along the edge looking down at the tops of smaller buildings and the tiny cars and trucks driving along the streets below.)

MA: I definitely wouldn’t like being Spider-Man. I don’t like heights.

LS: What? Are you afraid you’d fall or something? Or worse yet, that someone might push you, like this? (Shoves MA off the building, and MA is heard screaming as he falls). Yeah, I know we usually save these shenanigans for the end of the column, but we thought we’d shake things up a bit, and have some fun right off the bat. (someone taps LS on the shoulder. He turns to see MA standing behind him.)

MA: Your turn. (He shoves LS off the building, and we hear LS cry out, “Yippee!!”) I was going to cry payback, but he’s having too good a time, the crazy bastard. (Someone taps MA on the shoulder. It’s SPIDER-MAN.)

SPIDER-MAN: Will you two stop fooling around, stop playing with the special effects equipment and get to reviewing the movie? I want to hear what you have to say about it.

MA: I dunno. After you hear what we have to say, you may be the one pushing us off buildings.

SPIDER-MAN: I wouldn’t do that. I’m SPIDER-MAN. I’m a good guy.

LS (climbs up the side of the building until he reaches the top): Hey, Spidey! How’s it hanging?

MA: He wants us to review today’s movie. He’s anxious to hear what we have to say.

LS: Sure. Today we’re reviewing THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012), the latest Marvel superhero movie to hit the big screen.

I wasn’t really sure what the point was of rebooting the series. Everyone already knows Spider-Man and the cast of characters. Why not just make it a new Spider-Man movie? Even if they pretended the three Sam Raimi-directed movies didn’t happen, did we really need his origin story told again?

MA: I’m with you in this line of questioning. I just didn’t see the need, and for me, it seemed way too soon for a reboot. That being said, I went into this one with an open mind. I felt the same way before seeing last summer’s X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (2011), and I ended up loving that movie.

LS: Despite this, the movie does an okay job of retelling things with just enough spin to make it a little different this go-round.

MA (grimaces): I don’t know about that, but continue.

LS: This time, the focus is on Peter Parker’s parents, who drop him off at the house of his Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) and Aunt May (Sally Field) and disappear into the night, never to be seen again. Were they secret agents or something?

MA: It would have been nice if the movie had shed some light on this, but it doesn’t.

LS: Peter was old enough to remember it all vividly, but young enough so that Ben and May raise him for the majority of his life, and you can tell they’re a close-knit family.

The origin is tweaked a little, as Peter gets bitten by a spider while poking around in the genetics lab of Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans), who, it turns out, worked closely with Peter’s father at one point. Connors now works for Oscorp., the shady conglomerate owned by Norman Osborne (who, we know from the previous films—and the comics—is really the Green Goblin, but we never see him in this movie – we just hear that he is gravely ill). Connors is trying to develop a way to splice animal and human genes in order to combat disease—something that his unseen “boss” needs to stay alive. But Connors is also in this for himself, since he lost an arm and is eager to grow one back using reptile genes.

Peter finds some old documents linking his father to Connors and then goes to seek him out. It’s in that Oscorp. lab that special spiders are being bred to create very strong web strands (sold by Oscorp. to manufacturers). There are hints that maybe Peter was predisposed beforehand to take on the powers of the spider that bites him, since those same spiders (and their amazingly strong webs) were the result of an early experiment by his father. Is there a chance Daddy altered young Peter’s DNA somehow? Well, if he did, we certainly won’t find out in this movie!

Along the way we meet Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone)—at least the new movie gets this right. In the comics, Gwen was Peter’s first real girlfriend and Mary Jane came later (something Sam Raimi got backwards)—who is an intern at Oscorp., working for Dr. Connors. She also goes to Peter’s high school and he’s had a crush on her from afar. Her father is Captain Stacy (Denis Leary), who is in charge of the NYC police force. And who becomes obsessed with capturing Spider-Man once the masked crime-fighter makes his presence known.

The death of Uncle Ben, a pivotal event in the creation of Spider-Man is also handled a bit differently here, as a guy robbing a convenience store where Peter is buying milk, runs into Ben (who is looking for Peter) and shoots him in a scuffle. Where in the first Raimi movie, Peter’s failing to stop the criminal led to his taking on “responsibility” in the form of Spider-Man, there’s the added motivation here that Peter is also trying to track down the guy who shot Uncle Ben and got away – so that vengeance is a big part of why he dons the red and blue costume.

And those super-strong spider webs that Oscorp makes? Scientific genius Peter uses them as part of his costume, thus coming full circle, since one of those spiders was the one that gave him his powers.

Meanwhile, Dr. Connors has finally figured out how to make his regeneration serum work (thanks to an equation provided by Peter) and injects himself in an act of desperation that first grows him a new arm, then turns him into the vicious creature known as The Lizard. And it’s up to Spider-Man to stop him.

While I still don’t see the point of starting the story all over again from the beginning, I guess it works here because of the entirely new cast of actors in these roles, and the new director, Marc Webb. A fresh start isn’t all that awful, but THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN has as many flaws as it has fresh spins.

MA: I’ll say, and then some!

LS: First off, Andrew Garfield is pretty annoying as Peter Parker.

MA: I’ll second that right here. I did not like Garfield as Peter Parker.

LS: The way he almost twitches as he speaks, his inability to articulate his thoughts, his occasional stammer, he’s more a collection of tics than the nerdy guy we know from the comics (and the Raimi movies). In fact, his mannerisms are actually kind of creepy. I actually found it irritating to watch Garfield onscreen. I was never a big fan of Tobey Maguire as Parker, but I almost missed him in comparison to Garfield. Which is too bad, because Garfield looks right physically. It’s just his odd behavior that throws things off a little. And if you don’t really like the “hero” in a movie like this, it kind of limits how much you’re going to enjoy the movie overall.

MA: I agree. That might have been my biggest problem with this movie, that I didn’t enjoy Andrew Garfield’s performance. Pretty hard to like a movie called THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN when you don’t like Spider-Man!

I actually liked Tobey Maguire a lot as Spider-Man, so it goes without saying, I missed him here. I also missed the wise-cracking Spider-Man from the comics. He’s nowhere to be found in this movie.

LS: What about the scene, when he first starts patrolling the streets as Spider-Man, and jokes about a car thief pulling out a knife. “You found my weakness, small knives!”

MA: That was one of the rare times Spider-Man tries to be funny. Garfield and the writers seemed to be going for a darker element here—perhaps taking a page out of Christopher Nolan’s BATMAN series—because for the most part things seemed more serious here and less like the Spider-Man comics I remember. But the trouble is, while it may be serious, it’s not all that dark. In fact, I found Garfield’s interpretation of Spider-Man dull.

LS: You’re right, he is dull. This Peter Parker doesn’t have much of a personality. And, for the record, there is no reason why Spider-Man has to be particularly dark. In the early days, what made him so interesting was that he was constantly telling jokes when he fought villains. He was the complete opposite of dark. Despite what Hollywood thinks, not every superhero has to be dark! Spider-Man certainly doesn’t need to be. It would have been a lot more refreshing if he was constantly cracking jokes.

MA: I also didn’t buy him as a high school student. He seemed older.

LS: I liked Emma Stone as Gwen, but she isn’t given an awful lot to do here except fall for Peter and become his confidante.

MA: I didn’t like Stone either. Again, as was the case with Garfield, I didn’t buy her as a high school student. And she seems to be head over heels in love with him almost immediately, and I didn’t understand why. We never really see them get to know each other. Yeah, they do share some onscreen chemistry once they’re together, but that’s because they’re a real life item. In the movie, I didn’t really buy their relationship.

LS: Denis Leary is okay as Captain Stacy, the guy who declares Spider-Man a menace, but I really missed Daily Bugle editor J. Jonah Jameson, who is nowhere to be found in this version of the story. There’s a cable channel like CNN called the Daily Bugle, and that’s all we see of it. Maybe the newspaper went out of business?

MA: That’s another huge drawback to this movie, in my book. J. Jonah Jameson, as annoying as he is, has always been one of my favorite Spider-Man characters, and he’s nowhere in this movie. His absence created a void that the movie was unable to fill.

Yeah, Leary is okay, but I thought Captain Stacy was pretty boring. And the scene near the end when he comes to Spider-Man’s rescue and declares, “No, he’s not alone!” nearly made me throw up!

LS: Sheen and Field are appropriately sappy in their roles as Peter’s uncle and aunt. I didn’t think Field actually looked scrawny and sickly enough to be Aunt May (in the comics, there used to constantly be the threat that she’d have a heart attack and Peter would be alone).

MA: Sappy and then some! I think Sheen was covered in maple syrup in his scenes. Again, I nearly gagged when Peter Parker is listening to his uncle’s voice message after he’s died and Sheen says “You’re my hero.” I almost expected to hear Bette Midler start singing.

LS: Yeah, that was hard to sit through. I hate when movies get that sappy.

MA: I missed Cliff Robertson from the Raimi movies.

LS: Me, too.

MA: I also didn’t find Uncle Ben’s death scene anywhere near as dramatic as it was portrayed in the Raimi movie.

And you’re right about Sally Field. She didn’t seem sickly enough to be Aunt May. She wasn’t sick or weak at all, for that matter.

LS: Yeah, she’s just way too healthy-looking. And whether or not she actually is an appropriate age, she didn’t seem old enough to play the character.

Rhys Ifans is okay as Curt Connors, but nobody is really amazing in this movie. Everyone for the most part is just doing their job.

MA: Agreed. Although one supporting bit that I did like was by C. Thomas Howell. He plays the father of a little boy who Spider-Man rescues on the bridge, in probably the movie’s best sequence. It’s a brief bit, but Howell makes the most of it.

And although you mention Curt Connors, you didn’t mention his alter-ego, The Lizard. Yes, this is another knock on this movie: I didn’t like The Lizard. I thought he was just another standard CGI creation with little personality. When it comes to superhero movie villains, I thought he was a big-time fail. I wasn’t even that impressed with the way he looked. Next to Willem Dafoe as The Green Goblin in the first Raimi SPIDER-MAN film (2002), The Lizard is a tadpole in comparison.

LS: Let’s not go there. I HATED the way the Green Goblin looked in the Raimi movies. I swear he looked like one of the Power Rangers.

MA: Well, okay, I guess that came out wrong. I was talking more about Willem Dafoe’s performance as the Green Goblin, rather than just how the Green Goblin looked, because you’re right, the look was silly, but I liked the way Dafoe made him menacing.

LS: And I wasn’t as disappointed with the way The Lizard looked as you were. Sure, there’s too much CGI involved, which makes him look fake some of the time. And instead of a lizard’s snout they give him a weird grin – he looked like The Joker or something (or 1961’s MR. SARDONICUS!). But, over time, it grew on me.

Stuff I liked: the scenes with Spider-Man swinging around the city and his fights with The Lizard, aren’t half-bad. I’ve always liked The Lizard as one of Spider-Man’s more interesting villains.

MA: Yes, the special effects were better than the Tobey Maguire movies, but that’s to be expected, since the CGI technology seems to get better and better. The scenes of Spidey swinging around the city look great. However, while the special effects have improved, that doesn’t translate into quality scenes. I wasn’t impressed by the Spider-Man vs. The Lizard battle scenes, nor did I find much in this movie that made it all that cinematic. I liked the one sequence on the bridge, as that was impressive, but other than that, I wasn’t impressed by the directorial effort by Marc Webb.

And once again, I thought the 3D effects were unnecessary and added next to nothing to this movie.

LS: Luckily, I didn’t see this one in 3D, so I didn’t have to pay extra and I didn’t have to feel like I wasted money once again.

But I have lots of questions, too. If the serum changed Curt Connors’ genetic structure, why would he revert back to his human self after a short time? Wouldn’t he stay The Lizard permanently?

MA: You’d think so.

LS: And what was up with the stupid storyline about The Lizard having some kind of gas that turns other people into Lizards like him? It seemed tacked on like an afterthought, they never really developed it or made the transformed people look dangerous, and the people (mostly cops) get “cured” way to easily by the end. Once again—a very convenient resolution for a serum that is supposed to change people on a cellular level.

And, to back up for a moment, once Peter is aware of his new powers, why does he use them so many times in public, where there are lots of witnesses? This just seems incredibly stupid. It’s like he doesn’t even try to hide his “secret” from the outside world. Why don a mask later on, then? There’s this whole series of scenes early on that annoyed the hell out of me. You’re telling me that all the people who saw him do amazing things in school couldn’t figure out he was later Spider-Man. Aren’t there any smart kids in that high school?

MA: Yup, I was thinking the same thing. My take on it was that the writers didn’t seem as if they wanted to be bothered with these details. It was almost as if they felt the previous movies had explained things so they wouldn’t.

I thought this movie lacked details. I didn’t know, for example, how Peter Parker even felt to be Spider-Man in this movie. Was he upset about it? Happy? Psyched? At first, he’s totally unable to control his new abilities, yet he doesn’t even seem upset by this. The next thing we know he’s outside swinging from buildings like he’s been doing it for years. Yep, just another day at the office. I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty excited about these new abilities. I didn’t get this from Garfield’s Spider-Man.

LS: Taken on its own, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN just seemed kind of mediocre to me.

MA: I found it less than mediocre.

LS: Nothing really “amazing” at all, but not completely horrible, either. And it actually goes up a notch when compared to the last Sam Raimi Spidey flick, SPIDER-MAN 3, which was just abysmal and ranks with the worst supherhero movies of all time (and what a waste of the Sandman and Venom!). Despite its flaws, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN is at least an improvement over where Raimi was going with his Spider-Man movies.

I give it two and a half knives. Which isn’t a great rating. Either catch a cheap matinee or wait until it comes to cable or Netflix.

MA: I didn’t like SPIDER-MAN 3 either, but I also didn’t enjoy THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN.

The biggest problem with this movie is it never drew me into its world. I missed the wise-cracking Spider-Man from the comics, as Andrew Garfield’s interpretation of Peter Parker/Spider-Man lacked humor and heart. There was something “off” about it, and as a result, I never got into his character.

I liked Garfield in one scene, where he breaks down over a confrontation with his Uncle Ben about his dad. This was a very good scene, and Garfield’s excellent in it, but for me, that was as good as it got. This movie seemed to be setting up Spider-Man to be a darker character, but the story never makes good on this promise.

Speaking of set-up, early on, a lot is made of Peter Parker’s parents, especially his dad, and their subsequent disappearance, so much so that it appears their fate will play a role in the story later on, but strangely, the movie never goes in that direction. Parker’s missing dad is mentioned throughout the movie, but no further light is shed on his fate. I found this disappointing.

LS: You just know the “secret” of his parents will be explored more in the sequel. None of these movies is self-contained anymore. Everything has to leave loose ends for next time. If that’s not the line between art and consumerism, I don’t know what is. They just want you to buy one product after another, instead of just telling a complete, satisfying story.

MA: I didn’t love any of the characters and found them all to be mediocre at best, and I was very disappointed with The Lizard as the villain.

I was also disappointed with the screenplay. I thought it did a poor job developing the characters, especially the romance between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy. I didn’t think it did a good job of carving out the Spider-Man character either, as he seemed pretty generic here, and the conflict between Spidey and The Lizard wasn’t all that interesting.

This surprised me, because one of the writers, Alvin Sargent, a screenwriter who’s been in the business since the 1950s, also wrote the screenplay for SPIDER-MAN 2 (2004).

LS: The one with Dr. Octopus. That might be my favorite of the Spider-Man movies.

MA: Then again, he also was one of the writers involved with SPIDER-MAN 3. One of the other writers who worked on the screenplay for THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, Steve Kloves, also wrote the screenplays for the HARRY POTTER movies. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised by my disappointment.

I also didn’t enjoy the direction by Marc Webb. Other than the scene on the bridge, there really weren’t a lot of cool scenes in this one, and there was very little that made this movie seem cinematic.

I really didn’t like THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN at all. Except for the fact that it was pleasing to the eyes, I thought it was a dud.

I give it one and a half knives, and I sincerely hope they don’t make another one. This is not the kind of movie that should inspire a series.

LS: Well you’re not going to get your wish. Plans are already moving forward for the next one. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN was a box-office hit the first day it opened. Which proves you don’t need quality to keep a franchise alive and bringing in the cash.

Also, like all Marvel movies these days, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN has an extra scene during the end credits (luckily, you don’t have to wait until the very end of the credits to see it). I didn’t think it was as good (or as clear) as similar “easter eggs” in other Marvel movies, but you might want to stay a little bit when the credits start rolling, to see it.

MA: If it wasn’t a scene showing Spider-Man about to join The Avengers, I wasn’t interested! Like the rest of the movie, this scene was a dud.

LS: Yep, it doesn’t help clarify anything.

Well, we disagree on this one. I didn’t love this movie, but I’m surprised that I liked it a little more than you did. I thought you’d be sticking up for THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN.

SPIDER-MAN: I can’t say that I like either one of your opinions of this movie. I loved it!

LS: Spider-Man! You’re still hanging around.

SPIDER-MAN: Sure I am, I wanted to hear your review.

MA: But don’t you think you deserve better? You’re one of my all-time favorite comic book characters! This movie doesn’t do you justice, and you shouldn’t settle for something like this!

SPIDER-MAN: I dunno. They paid me a lot of money. It’s hard to dislike something that pays so well. How much do you guys get paid?

(MA & LS push SPIDER-MAN off the building.)

LS: Sore topic.
MA: Yep, he hit a nerve. Let’s go grab a bite to eat before we review our next movie. Shall we take the elevator?

LS: Elevator? Who needs an elevator in Cinema Knife Fight land? (Leaps from building) Geronimooooooooooooooooo!

MA: I’ll still take the elevator. (Presses button, door slides open, to reveal THE LIZARD in the elevator.)

THE LIZARD (grinning and revealing his mouthful of sharp teeth): Going down?

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN~ one and a half knives!

LL Soares gives THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN ~two and a half knives.

1 Comment »

Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for JULY 2012

Posted in 2012, 3-D, Action Movies, Aliens, Blockbusters, Cinema Knife Fights, Coming Attractions, Crime Films, DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Superheroes with tags batman, Ben Stiller, Coming Attractions, Jonah Hill, Savages, Spider-Man, The Watch on July 6, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT COMING ATTRACTIONS: JULY 2012
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(The Scene: A crowded beach in July. Sunbathers and swimmers are everywhere, and MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are sitting on beach chairs, catching up on some summer reading.)

L.L. SOARES (puts down his copy of “Justine” by the Marquis de Sade): As much as I’m enjoying this book, I wish things would liven up around here. A visit from a great white shark, or some hungry piranhas would be just the thing! Any chance these creatures will be showing up in our July movies this summer?

MICHAEL ARRUDA (puts down his copy of “SpongeBob Squarepants and Patrick Go to the Movies”): Unfortunately, no. Just a couple of superheroes, a silly comedy, and Oliver Stone’s latest.

LS: No piranhas?

MA: I’m afraid not. Didn’t you get your fill of piranhas last month with your review of PIRANHA 3DD?

LS: It was over all too soon.

MA: Which, for the rest of the planet, was a good thing! How about we start our July Coming Attractions column?

LS: Sure.

MA: Up first, it’s THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012), which actually opens on Tuesday, July 3, so technically, the first weekend of July, we’ll be doing two Cinema Knife Fights because we’ll also be reviewing Oliver Stone’s SAVAGES (2012) which opens on Friday, July 6.

In regards to THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, admittedly, I’m a sucker for superhero movies, especially the Marvel movies of the past decade, and so yes, I am definitely looking forward to this movie. But that being said, there’s a part of me who isn’t into it, the part of me who feels it’s just too soon after the Sam Raimi/Tobey Maguire movies to be starting a new Spider-Man series, but that’s just me.

Based on the previews, Andrew Garfield looks like he’s going to make a good Spider-Man, and the film as a whole looks pretty good, again, based on the trailers I’ve seen. No Mary Jane in this one, as Peter Parker’s love interest here is Gwen Stacy, as played by Emma Stone, who was in THE HELP (2011), and she was also in ZOMBIELAND (2009) a few years back.

And this time around the villain is The Lizard.

LS: I’m not sure what to expect, either. Originally, I wasn’t too thrilled about them rebooting the series, telling Spider-Man’s origin all over again, etc. But the more I see of it, the more I think it could work. I was getting very tired of Tobey Maguire in the role of Peter Parker, and while I think Sam Raimi can be great, he was getting incredibly tiresome as the director of the Spider-Man series. SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007), especially, was a horrible movie. So it needed some fresh blood.

(BARNABAS COLLINS walks by, holding an umbrella to block out the sun)

BARNABAS: Did I hear someone say “fresh blood?”

LS: None for you, you Johnny Depp look-alike.

BARNABAS: Drat! How did you know I was a vampire?

LS: The heavy white-make-up, the aversion to the sun, the fangs?

BARNABAS: Oh!

LS: Now stop bothering us before I put a stake in you.

BARNABAS: Be seeing you guys (BARNABAS hurries off the beach)

LS: Have I mentioned lately how much I hated Tim Burton’s version of DARK SHADOWS? It’s actually one of these movies that I dislike MORE the more I think about it.

MA: I didn’t like it either, and I also have to agree with you about SPIDER-MAN 3.

LS: Where was I? Oh yeah, Spider-Man. I think Andrew Garfield could be an improvement as Peter. Gwen was his first girlfriend, so it makes sense she would be in this reboot and not Mary Jane (who came later in the comics—Sam Raimi had it all backwards). And the Lizard is one of Spider-Man’s better villains. So this one has potential. I hope it blows the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies out of the water. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Next up is SAVAGES, as you said. Based on the book by Don Winslow, it’s about three pot dealers who go up against a vicious drug cartel who wants to cut in on their business. I’m actually looking forward to this one a lot more than THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. I’m not a big Spider-Man fan, and SAVAGES looks more up my alley. A crime drama with lots of violence. It looks like Oliver Stone could be getting his mojo back. I hope so.

MA: Yes, I’d expect you to be salivating over this one, since it stars one of your favorite actors, Taylor Kitsch (who earlier this year starred in BATTLESHIP and JOHN CARTER). I didn’t like him in either of those movies, and so I’m looking forward to giving him another chance.

LS: Yeah, Kitsch deserves some success for a change.

MA: If anything, SAVAGES looks like it’ll be intense. And yes, it’s directed by Oliver Stone, but truth be told, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen an Oliver Stone movie that I’ve really liked. Interestingly, one of the screenwriters, Shane Salerno, also wrote the screenplay for ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM (2007), the second Alien vs. Predator movie, and one that I liked a lot.

Besides Taylor Kitsch, the other male lead in this one is Aaron Johnson, who played Kick-Ass in KICK-ASS (2010), and who looks completely different here. And the female lead is played by the beautiful Blake Lively, who we saw in last year’s THE GREEN LANTERN (2011).

I’ll also be looking forward to seeing Benicio del Toro in this one.

LS: Me, too. And don’t forget Salma Hayek as the head of the cartel. I’m betting this one is going to be a lot of fun.

MA: On July 13, there isn’t anything of interest opening at the theaters, and so most likely we’ll be bringing you a DVD review instead.

On July 20, we’ll be reviewing this summer’s most anticipated release, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012), Christopher Nolan’s third and final BATMAN movie. I’m certainly looking forward to this movie, as I absolutely loved THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) and enjoyed BATMAN BEGINS (2005) a lot, too. THE DARK KNIGHT is my favorite superhero movie of all time, as I believe it transcended the genre. It’s one of my favorite movies period!

LS: I believe Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker transcended the genre. Otherwise, I thought THE DARK KNIGHT was a pretty standard superhero movie. I like it, but I don’t think it’s some kind of masterpiece like you do.

MA: That being said, I can’t really imagine THE DARK KNIGHT RISES topping THE DARK KNIGHT, so my expectations for this movie aren’t that high. I’m still looking forward to it, though. Batman’s always been one of my favorite superheroes, and I’ve enjoyed the various portrayals of Batman over the years, from Adam West to Michael Keaton. Strangely, as much as I’ve loved the Chris Nolan Batman movies, I haven’t really enjoyed Christian Bale as Batman all that much. He’s okay, but he hasn’t been the reason why I’ve liked these films so much.

Anyway, it has a great cast, it’s got Nolan at the helm, and it looks terrific, so there you go.

LS: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES might be interesting. I think the villain, Bane, has a lot of potential. In the comics, he broke Batman’s back. I wonder if that will happen here.

MA: Yes, I agree. I think Bane has the potential to be another cool villain.

LS: I’m not as excited about Anne Hathaway playing Catwoman, but we’ll see what happens. I think DARK KNIGHT RISES will be better than you’re expecting, for some reason. As for the character of Batman, I still maintain that anyone can play him. He’s a cipher. Under that cowl, Paul Reubens could be playing Batman, and it wouldn’t matter.

(PEE-WEE HERMAN dressed as Batman skips by them, carrying a huge beach ball. He stops, aims and throws the ball at MA, but it bounces off the arm of MA’s beach chair and slams PEE-WEE in the head.)

PEE-WEE: Ouch! Hey, I meant to do that!

MA: Yeah, right. Hit the road, Pee-wee.

PEE WEE: Pee-wee? I’m Batman!

LS: You’re Pee-wee!

PEE-WEE: I know you are, but what am I? (Skips away) Has anyone seen my Bat Bicycle? (Exits)

LS: And then the month concludes with the July 27th release of THE WATCH. This one features Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill as members of a neighborhood watch group who come across some extraterrestrial monsters. It could go either way.

MA: I don’t have much to say about this one, except that based on the previews, it seems very mediocre. We’ll see. I like Ben Stiller sometimes, but I’ve never been much of a Vince Vaughn fan, and Jonah Hill is following up on the success of 21 JUMP STREET (2012). I really enjoyed Hill in MONEYBALL (2011).

And it’s written by Seth Rogen, who last year gave us the uninspired THE GREEN HORNET (2011).

LS: Everyone involved has done good stuff—and some stuff that wasn’t so good. So like I said, it could go either way. I hope it’s good. I hope it’s funny. I just don’t have high expectations for it. But I certainly go into a movie hoping it will be better than I expect.

MA: Well, that sums up our movies for July. Shall we get back to our reading?

LS: I still wish we’d get a visit by some hungry piranhas.

MA: Well, don’t look now, but you’re about to get your wish.

LS: Really?

MA: Look over there. (points to ocean.)

(A group of swimmers start screaming, and a huge pool of red darkens the water.)

LIFEGUARD: Everybody out of the water! Piranha! Piranha!

LS: Ah, the sights and sounds of a beach on a summer’s day. All is right with the world. Hey, how did you know the piranhas were coming?

MA: A little bird told me.

(A seagull flies above them with a piranha in its mouth.)

LS: I guess it’s true that seagulls will eat anything.

—END—

2 Comments »

Archive for the Superheroes Category

IRON MAN 3 (2013)

Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for MAY 2013

QUICK CUTS: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SAM RAIMI MOVIE?

Dan Keohane’s Picks for THE BEST FILMS OF 2012

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou’s TOP 20 MOVIES OF 2012

Remote Outpost Looks at: THE FALL 2012 TV SEASON

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012)

Quick Cuts Presents: “I’M BATMAN!”

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

Cinema Knife Fight COMING ATTRACTIONS for JULY 2012

Pages

Follow “”