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A “Suburban Grindhouse Memories” Classic: GANJA AND HESS (1973)

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2012, 70s Horror, Art Movies, Blaxploitation, Classic Columns, Cult Movies, DVD Review, Experimental Films, Indie Horror, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , on February 23, 2012 by knifefighter

(Editor’s Note: Because of circumstances beyond his control, Nick Cato wasn’t able to get me his latest SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES column this week. So I figured, instead of having a hole in our calendar, I’d just reprint one of his best old columns from 2010. Keep in mind, with the next installment, Nick will have written 47 columns of SGM for us here at Cinemaknifefight.com. This one was Number 4. A true classic that deserves a bigger audience. Mr. Cato will be back with a brand new column next time.)

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SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES No. 4:  Bill Gunn: a True Filmmaking Genius.
By Nick Cato

In the early 1970s, “blaxploitation” cinema was all the rage on the grindhouse circuit (be it urban OR suburban).  When director Bill Gunn was approached to make a film in the vein of BLACULA, he took the money and did something far more serious.  Instead of trying to make an exploitative quickie, Gunn went for the gusto and delivered an artistic deep-thinker that (to this day) has many who see it believing it’s a vampire film.  It isn’t.  In fact, Gunn went all-out as he wrote, directed, and stars in this surreal, nightmare of a film that requires at least three to four viewings before even half of what it has to say will hit you.

Since I was only five years old when GANJA & HESS was originally released, it was a treat to (finally) see this for the first time at a revival theater last month (April, 2010).  This was the first time that I knew–halfway through a screening–that I’d have to see what I was watching again (and as soon as possible) just to keep my train of thought (this turned out to be one of the most challenging films I’ve reviewed yet).  So I purchased a DVD the next day and watched it three more times.

The film follows Dr. Hess Green (played by legendary NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD star, Duane Jones), his new assistant George (Bill Gunn), and his assistant’s wife, Ganja (the lovely Marlene Clark).  Despite what some reviewers have said (I’m assuming they saw one of the several, heavily-edited/re-titled versions), Hess DOES NOT become addicted to blood AFTER being stabbed by his assistant; the very beginning of the film scrolls these titles (over some magnificently eerie music): “Doctor Hess Green … Doctor of Anthropology, Doctor of Geology … While studying the ancient Black civilization of Myrthia … was stabbed by a stranger three times … one for God the Father, one for the Son … and one for the Holy Ghost … stabbed with a dagger, diseased from that ancient culture whereupon he became addicted and could not die … nor could he be killed.”  So, for the record, Hess is already addicted to blood when his suicidal assistant George moves in; Hess is a wealthy anthropologist living in a tremendous mansion (African American stereotypes don’t exist in this film, instantly banishing a “blaxploitation’ label from it).  He even manages to stop George’s first attempt at suicide; George (apparently aggravated at this) eventually attacks Hess with the ceremonial dagger Hess had brought back from Africa.  Hess survives, but George ends up shooting himself in Hess’ bathroom.  When Hess discovers George’s body, we see him fall to his knees and lap his blood (the main scene I’m assuming has caused many to label this a vampire film).

George’s wife Ganja shows up at the Hess mansion to wait for her husband (Hess has him stored in a freezer in the basement).  And this is where GANJA & HESS truly becomes strange.  After discovering her husband in the freezer and assuming Hess killed him, she ends up believing Hess’ testimony of George’s suicide and she helps Hess to bury him.

Ganja & Hess fall in love, get married, and Hess eventually makes her a part of the “Myrthia” tribe, bringing its ‘blood curse’ upon her (one edited version, released in the 80s on VHS as BLOOD COUPLE, gave the film a standard (and false) vampire-film packaging).  Things get even stranger when Hess brings a man home for Ganja to feed on (she ends up having an affair with him first) and Hess begins to doubt his Christian roots when he finally begins to feel guilt after feeding from a young mother–guilt that nearly leads him to a nervous breakdown.

One of several misleading re-titles for Ganja & Hess: BLOOD COUPLE

It should be pointed out here that while everything I’ve just described is happening, the incredibly spooky score by Sam Waymon, along with some dazzling cinematography (I swear Dario Argento was inspired by much of this) helps to give GANJA & HESS a constant aura of surreal darkness that won’t leave your mind anytime soon.  One commentary track I listened to on the “GANJA & HESS: THE COMPLETE EDITION” DVD (Image Entertainment) mentioned that the opening sequence is told from 12 points of view (after re-watching it, I’m betting this is why so many are turned off to the film early on—it’s truly unlike anything you’ve seen before).  And this is just one thing that makes GANJA & HESS such a unique–and challenging–film.

GANJA & HESS is a film about religious identification and one man’s realization that he has strayed from the faith of his upbringing.  After making peace with God at a church service, he attempts to bring Ganja with him.  The film’s final moments feature Hess’ death and Ganja contemplating her own life: to me it’s apparent she likes what Hess has turned her into by smiling when she visualizes the dead man Hess had brought home for her running naked out of their pool.  And being a sequel-less film, we’re left to consider and debate if this is so.

Again, this is NOT a vampire film.  It’s an intense, unusual study of a millionaire who, despite having all there is to have in this world, is haunted by what lies beyond this life.  And yet despite this underlying theme (as well as a church service scene that goes on for WAY too long), I don’t think it was Gunn’s intention to make an evangelical film (and if it was, I’d like to know what church–in 1973– approved of extended shots of full-frontal male and female nudity, pagan blood drinking, and an artistic-look at suicide).

Watch GANJA & HESS.  Then watch it again, even if you don’t like it the first time.  Despite a few slow stretches, the film has plenty to offer to those who take the time to contemplate and dig out its treasures.

I can’t remember the last time a film has caused so much conversation between my friends and me.  GANJA & HESS, despite its all-black cast, is NOT a blaxploitation film.  It is a genuine hybrid of horror and art house filmmaking that stands alone.  It can not (and will not) ever be duplicated.

This is a true gem from Bill Gunn, and a gem I’ll surely be revisiting again and again.

© Copyright 2010 by Nick Cato

(Editor’s Note # 2 – This movie had a LOT of alternate titles during its (several) runs on the grindhouse circuit. They include: BLACK EVIL, BLACK VAMPIRE, BLOOD COUPLE, DOUBLE POSSESSION, VAMPIRES OF HARLEM and BLACKOUT: THE MOMENT OF TERROR. Confusing enough for you?)

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: THE CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Campy Movies, Monsters, Mutants!, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Troma! with tags , , , , , , on February 9, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
Dawn of the Nuclear Slime…
By Nick CatoReleased about six months after the unlikely success of THE TOXIC AVENGER, Troma Films’ second take on radioactive raunchiness, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986), is another New York/New Jersey-lensed exploitation epic that Lloyd Kaufman’s crackpot film company managed to sort-of get right…at least if B-movies are your thing.

While I wanted to see this in Times Square (being it wasn’t in wide-release), a small theater in New Jersey actually featured it for one week only. I conned a couple of my buddies to join me on my quest for Tromaville,  and we headed to the Garden State hoping this would at least be half as good as the first TOXIC AVENGER.

Warren and his cute girlfriend, Chrissy, are among the few clean cut students at Tromaville High, which happens to be located right behind a nuclear power plant. The punk students (who look like rejects from a really bad ROAD WARRIOR rip-off) grow marijuana right outside the plant, and begin selling radiation-laced pot around the school. One early sequence of government officials checking the power plant for toxic leaks had the audience in stitches; some men fell to the ground stone-cold dead as others kept about their jobs, unaware of what was happening to their colleagues. It’s a nice bit of old-fashioned slapstick that worked among the coming gore, slime, and radioactive boobies.

Despite their nerdiness, Warren and Chrissy decide to partake of the toxic weed. As a result, Warren gains incredible strength, and Chrissy becomes incredibly horny…which leads to a wicked spin in the sack with her boyfriend…which leads to a pregnancy. Before long the entire school is having strange side effects, the best being Chrissy’s baby who turns out to be a ten-foot tall radioactive monster who eventually helps to wipe out the toxic punk drug dealers.

If you’ve never seen a Troma film before, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH is a prime example of the style that gave them notoriety during the splatter-film craze of the 1980s. One sequence, where an enraged Warren goes after a punk who has messed with him one time too many, features a silly (yet effective) special effect where he rams his fist down the guy’s throat. The New Joisey crowd ate this scene up, cheers growing louder as Warren’s arm eventually goes down further than his elbow with puke-inducing sound effects.

You don’t go to see something called CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH for artistic value.

While THE TOXIC AVENGER had a better crafted (if familiar) story, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH is basically pure chaos: the simple premise is set in motion when a nerdy student freaks out during the opening scene, oozes green slime from his ears, then jumps out the second-floor window. The atomic marijuana is then introduced, along with an endless array of whacky characters. The two directors (Lloyd Kaufman and Richard W. Haines)—for some reason it took two directors to create this!—then let everything go ballistic in a brain-dead, toxic high school gore/sci-fi romp that (at the time) was a pure blast for its intended teenage audience. I’ve seen the film a few times over the years on VHS and DVD, and while there are still some laughs to be had, much of it gets tedious and it doesn’t hold up half as well as THE TOXIC AVENGER or Troma’s other fluke of a hit, TROMA’S WAR (1988). But I’m betting younger exploitation fans will still get a real charge out of this high-octane trip to Tromaville.

NUKE ‘EM HIGH’s horrible soundtrack, trademark Troma bad acting, and high school students who look way too old to be high school students has a certain charm that many modern-day made-for-cable/DVD exploitation films just don’t have. So throw your biohazard suit on and check this out for a near-lethal dose of old school Troma-rificness. And remember the tagline: READIN’ WRITIN’ AND RADIATION!

You’ve been warned.

(This film also spawned two sequels: CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH PART 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN (1991) and CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SUBHUMANOID (1994). While part 2 had its moments (especially a gigantic rodent named Tromie the Nuclear Squirrel), you’re not missing anything. Part 3 was one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. You’ve been warned again!).

© Copyright 2012 by  Nick Cato

The lovely Chrissy (Janelle Brady) realizes something is DEFINITELY wrong with her rapidly-growing radioactive baby…in THE CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH!

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: DEATHSTALKER (1984)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Bad Acting, Barbarian Movies, Grindhouse, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Sword & Sorcery, VIOLENCE!, Warriors with tags , , , , , on January 26, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES PRESENTS:
DEATHSTALKER: Conan…Without Class!
By Nick Cato

I spent most of the time during the second half of my sophomore year in high school daydreaming about movies.  While horror preoccupied 90% of my mind, other exploitation films took about 8%, and the final 2% was dedicated to all things CONAN.  From the early Marvel comics to the 1982 Ah-Nuld film version, I was always a big fan of the sword & sorcery genre.  And while the success of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) spawned several rip-offs, none were as memorable as the 1984 schlock-fest DEATHSTALKER, which happened to be released as I trudged through the tenth grade.

Picture—if you will—a group of fifteen year-old male teenagers managing to get into an R-rated action film with no problem.  Now picture—if you will—that same group of ecstatic fifteen year-old teenagers giggling with glee as the sword & sorcery epic unreeling before them turned out to feature some of the worst acting, fakest-looking creatures, and massive amounts of jiggling boobs this side of a PORKY’S film.  Even one-time sex symbol Barbi Benton appears as a princess, although she was better off taking another cruise on THE LOVE BOAT than accepting whatever peanuts she was offered for her forgettable role here.

Besides the gratuitous boobs and brutal fight sequences, what truly made DEATHSTALKER such a joy to watch was the title character himself.  Deathstalker was played by stuntman/actor Rick Hill, and is far less noble a warrior than Conan: he’s a conscience-less murderer and rapist, taking any woman who even looks at him as he walks by with his bulging biceps.  And in what tries to pass for a plot, a king asks Deathstalker to try and redeem himself by rescuing his kidnapped princess daughter from a tattoo-headed tyrant.  Like any social misfit, Deathstalker basically tells the king where to go, then proceeds to eat (yes, EAT) half of the king’s poor dog!  At this point, you either buckled your seatbelt and prepared to enjoy the trash that followed, or you left the theater and spared your brain any further damage.

I stayed.

There was mumbling around the theater wondering  just why this king asked a known, savage rapist to rescue his daughter, and why he even cared if the guy redeemed himself.  But such are the mysteries of rip-off, grindhouse cinema.

In one scene that drove the audience wild, a brawl goes down where one burly man (with his gigantic mallet) smashes his opponent into a bloody pancake.  Popcorn flew around the (now defunct) Fox Twin Theatre in appreciation, and at one point I started to hope some of the older guys in attendance didn’t get any ideas after the film, out in the parking lot.

Between more bouncing boobs and heads getting lobbed off, there was talk of Deathstalker also having to find three objects that were allegedly part of the world’s creation (I remember one being a sword, which he finds, but can’t recall what the other two were…and you probably wouldn’t, either).  Deathstalker eventually rescues the princess (who actually looks like an old sea hag) and takes the sword of creation from the clutches of Munkar, the aforementioned tattoo-headed tyrant (and MAN did his head-tattoo look fake!).  Just WHY Deathstalker went ahead and did what the king asked —after saying he wasn’t interested—is anyone’s guess.

The remainder of DEATHSTALKER features our anti-hero joining a tournament where warriors battle other warriors to the death—sort-of like a sword & sorcery tribute to the Bruce Lee classic ENTER THE DRAGON (1973).  Here the blood flows deeper than your standard slasher film, as arms, legs, and heads fly, bodies are impaled; all the while Munkar looks on with a smirk, thinking everyone who stands in his way will eventually kill themselves off, leaving him to rule the world.  MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But as fate would have it, Deathstalker manages to kill the final opponent, a goofy-looking pig-faced warrior beast, and eventually destroys Munkar and the mystical objects of creation.

Unlike CONAN THE BARBARIAN, or better rip-offs such as THE BEASTMASTER (1982), DEATHSTALKER’s sloppy script and countless plot holes will cause even the most jaded fan of grindhouse cinema to shake their head in disbelief.  But, if you’re looking for a real GUY/party flick, full of hot babes, endless bloodshed, and acting so bad you can’t help but yell back at the screen (even if you’re watching it at home), DEATHSTALKER is a prime example of a so-bad-it’s-amazing film.  Most mind-boggling: this cinematic abortion was followed by three sequels, with Rick Hill returning in the title role for the fourth installment.  None were half as good (or bad) as the original.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill) battles a pig-faced beast during the exciting conclusion of DEATHSTALKER (1984)

© Copyright 2012 by Nick Cato

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NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FLICKS REDISCOVERED IN 2011

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2011, Best Of Lists, Campy Movies, Fun Stuff!, Gangsters!, Grindhouse, Killers, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , , on January 12, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES Presents:
NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FILMS REDISCOVERED IN 2011
By Nick Cato

3) ANOTHER SON OF SAM (1977).  If you enjoy inept filmmaking, horrendous 70s fashions, plot-holes galore, and a GENUINE grindhouse experience, pay attention: Harvey, who was sexually abused by his mother as a child, escapes a mental institution and goes on a shooting rampage at a park before taking hostages in a college dorm.  A SWAT team and local cops eventually apprehend him.  As a show of total CLASSLESSNESS, this film was released in 1977, BEFORE there was any other fictional film about the Son of Sam, and (I’m assuming) while Berkowitz was still at large.  If you like trashy, pointless films full of unintentional laughs, ANOTHER SON OF SAM is pure gold.  All others, turn and run away as fast as you can.

2) In my never-ending quest to see every obscure low-budget 70s film, I came across (no pun intended) a 1972 sex comedy titled THE GODDAUGHTER, which—among other things—just might be a precursor to the current crop of adult films that parody popular movies (not to mention “Nunsploitation” films).    While nowhere near as entertaining as last summer’s re-discovered 1981 Mafia flick GONE WITH THE POPE, THE GODDAUGHTER is an interesting piece of grindhouse trash for mob film completists with little-to-no conscience (some brief and ugly hardcore scenes guarantee this one will never be shown on Comedy Central).

1) THE GODFATHER AND THE LADY (1975).  The lunatics at Something Weird Video claim this had never been released, all the more amazing as it stars the legendary Jane Russell (who appears in her FINAL film role before doing a couple of TV shows in the 80s), as well as six (count ‘em, SIX) former boxing champions as hit men, including Rocky Graziano, Jake La Motta, and Willie Pep.  It’s a goofy comedy, featuring an opening brawl with sound effects right out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, atrocious acting, and a scam-the-inheritance plot that makes one wonder what episode of Scooby Doo they tried to rip off.  Lots of cornball fun.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

(All titles are available through Something Weird Video).

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: TERRORVISION (1986)

Posted in 2011, Aliens, B-Movies, Monsters, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, VHS Only Movies with tags , , , , , , , on December 29, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
“Lizard Tail Jerky!”
By Nick Cato

By the middle of my senior year of high school, I was 100% addicted to gore films and spent much time trading bootleg VHS tapes (via snail mail) through my old fanzine, STINK.  The sicker the title one acquired on the underground market, the better chance you had of trading it for something crazier.  Yet despite being controlled by the sleazier side of Sinema for close to ten years, a silly little science fiction farce was about to remind me that light-hearted fare could still be as entertaining as any Euro gut-munching cannibal caper or women-in-prison epic.  Or necrophiliac outing…

A couple of my friends were DJs at a local college radio station.  I’d often do movie reviews on their shows, and spent most of my time in the studio going through the new albums.  One that caught my eye was a soundtrack for a film titled TERRORVISION, a film that wasn’t to be released until February 1986 (this was about three months prior).  The main track, titled Terrorvision, performed by The Fibonaccis (whoever they were), is an addictive DEVO meets B-52s new wave jam that holds up great to repeated listens.  So, with the main track imbedded in my mind, TERRORVISION finally came to my town on a freezing cold winter day in February, 1986, to a nearly sold-out opening night.  Of ALL the films I’ve reviewed for this column, the theatre where this unspooled refuses to come to memory, but chances are it was the Lane Theatre, one of Staten Island’s last single-screen cinemas.

Produced by Charles Band’s Empire Pictures, TERRORVISION is chock full of cheesy acting, lame special effects, and a story that’s barely there…yet for some reason, the humor works.  A suburban couple (played by PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE’s Gerrit Graham and cult icon Mary Woronov) discovers that a strange creature keeps popping up on their television.  Figuring it must be some kind of interference (after all, they just had a huge satellite dish installed on their roof) they think little of it until the creature eventually POPS OFF the set and literally comes into their home.  Of course, the creature enters the home when the swinger parents are out, and the kids fail to train their strange new pet.  It then tries to eat each member of the family (which includes a nerdy kid who hangs out all day long with his crackpot survivalist grandfather and a teenage heavy metal sister with her rock-star wannabe boyfriend) as well as any friends or whoever just may happen to be stopping over for a visit.  The alien is able to “reproduce” the heads of those he’s eaten and mimic their voices in order to hide from police and an intergalactic alien cop (yeah, this one gets goofier by the minute).

It turns out the planet this creature came from has discovered a way to turn their trash into antimatter and dispose of it by shooting it into space.  This particular alien is an eating machine, forcing its home planet to get rid of him TRASH style!  Guess this family had REALLY bad luck having their satellite installed just as this batch of space junk was passing earth!

While much of the humor is just plain silly, I found (even upon a recent viewing) most of it still holds up, especially the aforementioned grandfather who lives on “lizard tail jerky.”  He keeps a pet lizard on him at all times, and yanks its tail off when he needs a snack.  He assures his grandson the tails keep growing back as the two of them hunt the creature who has invaded their home.  Although rated R, the only thing that MIGHT have given it this rating is the sleazy erotic artwork hanging around the house (remember, the parents are swingers!), much of it quite funny looking.

The highlight of the film (for me, anyway) is a late night horror film TV-hostess named Medusa (complete with a head full of snakes) who makes non-stop sexual puns, some pretty graphic for an otherwise exploitation-less film.  Just WHY she’s in the film is anyone’s guess, but she provides some fine eye candy nonetheless.

What surprised me (and the audience) most is the ending (SPOILER ALERT!):  Our grotesque alien (who dribbles non-stop BUCKETS of goo and slime) eventually eats the entire family and takes off for world domination in a taxi cab!  Who would’ve thought such a tame sci-fi comedy would end on such a dark (although in its context, funny) note?

Although a DVD has yet to be released, you can find VHS copies on eBay and Amazon.  With lots of laughs and a nifty soundtrack, this might not be as funny as SPACEBALLS (1987) or as exploitative as GALACTIC GIGOLO (also 1987), but being it was released before both, it deserves a little respect and hopefully one day a proper DVD release.  It’s good, slimy, goofy fun.

(This was also one of the earliest films I can remember coming to home video less than a month after its theatrical release).

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

TERRORVISION’s alien creature looks like poop-monster Chet in WEIRD SCIENCE (1985), although he probably didn’t smell as bad…

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS (1982)

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, Action Movies, Cannibals, Grindhouse, Italian Horror, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , on December 15, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS (1982)
Support Your Local Veterans!
By Nick Cato

Besides an overabundance of slasher films, the early 80s was also a hotbed of DAWN OF THE DEAD and ZOMBIE rip-offs, and if you lived in the right places, these (mainly) euro-schlock offerings seemed to be released every week.

Although zombie-mania is mainstream today, in 1982 it was still cool to be a zombie geek.  And upon seeing the above ad in my local newspaper for something called CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS, my geekdom hit an all-time high.  Here was a film I hadn’t read a thing about in any horror magazine or fanzine, and it starred John Saxon, an actor I had been a fan of since his stint as a robot opposite Lee Majors on the TV show THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN (1974-76 episodes).

Thankfully one of my buddies’ older brothers smuggled us into the Fox Twin Theatre, another defunct twin here on Staten Island that’s now the site of a multiplex.  For a Saturday afternoon, CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS was packed…but by the halfway point the theater had all but emptied.  The fools should have stuck out the slow middle…

I should point out—before I go any further—that I eventually discovered this film was a HEAVILY edited version of a 1980 Italian production released in Europe as CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE, and eventually released on VHS in America, still edited, as INVASION OF THE FLESH HUNTERS (got all that?).  As far as I know, this is the first Italian cannibal film to be shot almost entirely in Atlanta.  I forced myself to watch (okay—SCAN) through Image Entertainment’s uncut DVD version (under the title CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE) back around 2002, and am happy to report that the “uncut” version didn’t enhance or change my opinion of the film.  In fact, anyone seeking a gory cannibal/zombie outing can do themselves a favor and look elsewhere.

BUT: the film still has its moments.

Saxon locates a couple of P.O.W.’s in Vietnam.  To survive, the men resorted to cannibalism, and as Saxon tries to help one soldier out of a prisoner pit, he has a nice chunk taken out of his arm!  The theater DID go nuts over this opening sequence, which quickly ended and brought us back to modern-day Atlanta.  Giovanni Lombardo Radice (who would soon get a power drill through his head in Fulci’s THE GATES OF HELL (1983) ) plays one of Saxon’s ‘Nam buddies—and for some reason they’re both living in Atlanta.  When Saxon refuses to go out with him for a drink (apparently he’s still haunted by being bitten in ‘Nam), Radice heads to a local movie theater where instead of focusing on the feature, he watches some pervert lick his girlfriend’s body.  Radice has a flashback and decides to bite the poor girl’s neck, which causes the place to panic.  He’s chased by a bunch of crazed theater patrons, and a sorry-looking biker gang, into a thrift shop, where he’s eventually apprehended and sent to the hospital for observation.  DURING this fiasco, John Saxon is at home with a babysitter, who keeps giving him flashbacks every time she flirts by showing a little leg.  Knowing his wife is being unfaithful, Saxon gives in and goes down on her without literally eating anything, temporarily sating his cannibalistic urges with some playful nibbling.

At this point in the film, it became clear CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS wasn’t a zombie film, and while it moves well up to this point, the mid-section becomes quite tedious.  Patron after patron began to leave the theater, but my friends and I were confident something titled CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS simply HAD to have a pay off.

It does and it doesn’t.

The action slowly picks back up when Radice and the other rescued P.O.W. escape from a hospital along with a nurse they’ve bitten.  They run into the aforementioned biker gang right outside the hospital and a mini-brawl breaks out.  The trio goes on to infect unlucky citizens with their cannibal virus, and eventually meet up with their former captain, John Saxon.

The rest of the film turns into a violent action flick, complete with a nifty chase sequence through Atlanta’s sewers and a flamethrower battle at the finale.  The gore scenes cut out of this theatrical release (provided by ZOMBIE (1979) and THE BEYOND (1981)-alumni Gianetto De Rossi), which I finally saw on the DVD, include a gruesome close-up of Radice’s stomach after he gets a hole blown in it, a doctor having his tongue bitten off, and some sloppy mechanic having his leg sliced up like cold cuts at a deli.

I have no idea if director Antonio Margheriti was trying to make some kind of non-subtle point regarding the returning Vietnam vet as being the “real” monster, or if he just set out to make some cash by combining APOCALYPSE NOW and DAWN OF THE DEAD (both 1979).  What I came away with was a satisfying exploitation experience, despite the (then) lack of gore, which was made up for with uncomfortable sex scenes, plenty of action (despite the slow middle), and some of the worst left-over disco music ever to appear in a cannibal film (and THAT’S saying something).  I’ve read that John Saxon has publicly denounced the film, and co-star Radice has said Saxon seemed “out there” while the film was being shot.  Either way, CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS is must viewing for Saxon completists and lovers of so-bad-they’re-good grindhouse classics.  All others, stick to RAMBO…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

John Saxon discovers P.O.W.s just before getting bit in CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS!

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: WAR OF THE WIZARDS (1978)

Posted in 2011, Asian Horror, B-Movies, Fantasy Films, Kung Fu!, Magic, Martial Arts, Mythological Creatures, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , on November 17, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES:
Trying to Make Cash off of Clash
By Nick Cato

1981: While RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK was on its way to becoming a classic, those of us who knelt at the altar of stop-motion animation were thrilled when CLASH OF THE TITANS hit U.S. screens to showcase the talents of the great Ray Harryhausen.  Packed with countless monsters (and a mechanical owl!), this fun re-telling of the Greek myths brought the fun of classic creature-features back to the screen, along with a sword and sorcery theme.  I couldn’t get enough of how cool Medusa looked (let alone when she looses her head to Perseus’s sword, which featured a nice batch of red sauce seldom seen in a PG-rated movie) and I went back to see it three times.

And then one Friday afternoon in 1982 or ‘83, I spotted the ad (pictured above) in my local newspaper.  COOL!  Maybe this monster/sorcery thing was slowly catching on, and I’d be able to get my fix more often in a theater and not just between the pages of Marvel’s CONAN comics.

WRONG!

An older friend of mine managed to con his old man to drive us into New Jersey (GASP!) to see this, as it played everywhere in the tri-state area except for Staten Island.  I think it was twenty minutes into the film when I realized my buddy wouldn’t be letting me pick the movies anymore, and I was worried they’d leave me in the Garden State.

WAR OF THE WIZARDS turned out to be anything BUT a CLASH OF THE TITANS rip-off.  And it wasn’t until I recently attempted to find this film on the Internet (where it’s not even listed on imdb.com) that I discovered it’s actually a circa 1978 Hong Kong/Taiwanese film originally titled THE PHOENIX.  I KNEW something had to be up upon my initial (and only) viewing, when more screen time was dedicated to hokey martial arts action than monsters and sorcery.  But like a true trooper, I convinced my buddy and his dad to stay, and to this day haven’t heard the end of it.

The story (from what I could remember through the horrendous overdubbing) dealt with a fisherman who finds a bowl with magical powers at the bottom of a lake.  He becomes wealthy and begins to live the good life—until a couple of wizards and martial-artists discover he has this legendary artifact.  Two women manage to defeat all those attempting to get this magic bowl, and they both decide to marry the fisherman.  Like a true idiot, he begins to show off his wives (and his wealth) in public, causing more attacks on his life (including some really, really, REALLY bad-looking laser-beam effects from a magical religious cult).

The highlight of the film was the religious zealots attacking the wedding of our fisherman and his brides, when a cheesy-looking phoenix rescues the fisherman and takes him to a high mountain, where he’s trained to battle the animal spirits who control his wives, an extremely-sad-looking rock monster, and best of all, a hit-man of sorts played by non other than Richard Kiel (yes—THAT Richard Kiel, a.k.a. the metal-mouthed assassin “JAWS” from the James Bond films).  I’m assuming film producers in Hong Kong were so taken aback by Kiel’s performance in THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977) they just couldn’t wait to get him into one of their mythical kung-fu flicks (makes sense to me).  In keeping with his metal-persona, Kiel attacks our hero with a pair of steel gloves (so at least he didn’t have to bite through thick cable wire or Roger Moore’s neck this time around) but proves to be little match for the scrawny fisherman.

With horrendous special effects all around (especially when the fisherman rides to the aforementioned mountaintop on the neck of the phoenix, which looked more like a gigantic peacock), unconvincing fight sequences, and a storyline that makes even less sense than what I just attempted to explain, WAR OF THE WIZARDS is a horrible film in WHATEVER title one may see it under.

I managed to find ONE review of this film on the entire World Wide Web, making it the most obscure title I’ve covered for this column so far.  I have no idea if a VHS or DVD was released (I’m assuming it has in Hong Kong, most likely under a third or fourth title), but suffice it to say my solo theatrical viewing was more than enough.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

RICHARD KIEL (fresh off his first stint as 007 villain ‘Jaws’) now goes after a newly-rich fisherman in this hokey martial-arts mess.

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: FIEND (1980)

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, B-Movies, Killers, Nick Cato Reviews, Paranormal, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Supernatural, Weird Movies with tags , , , , , , on November 9, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
So Bad It’s . . . Not Good or Bad…. Just … Hmmmmm …
By Nick Cato

Faithful readers of this fine column have heard me mention Staten Island’s (now defunct) Fox Twin Cinema. The more my suburban memory is refreshed, the more I realize just how many amazing double features were shown there during the early 80s—1982 being out of control.

And in 1982, the Fox Twin introduced me to the wacky world of low-budget film maker Don Dohler. Among Don’s nearly-unwatchable achievements are the painfully bad THE ALIEN FACTOR (1978) and NIGHTBEAST (1982), both which feature unconvincing monsters and acting that’d make H.G. Lewis blush. But in 1980, Don ALMOST got it right, and the result has been debated by underground horror fans since its release.

FIEND (1980) was re-released in 1982 with the gruesome DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE (another film originally released in 1980), in one seriously uneven double-bill. After two years of seeing stills from FIEND in horror magazines and fanzines, I was thrilled to finally catch it. DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE was first, and a more brutal R-rated film would never be released (how this one hit American theaters unrated is anyone’s guess). Its depraved scenes of some lunatic killing women in his fire-proof basement with a flame thrower had the theater screaming out loud, and the film managed to work even despite its PSYCHO-inspired conclusion.

After a brief intermission, FIEND hit the screen, and within the first five minutes I can recall at least six people walking out…not due to anything disturbing, but due to a “special effect” so cheesy, it’s amazing any of us stayed for the rest. But I’m glad I did. Kind of.

Some red “spirit” is seen floating around a dark graveyard in the aforementioned special effect. It enters a grave and reanimates some 70s-looking guy, complete with big mustache and ugly sports jacket. Just WHY this happens is never explained, but we now have the title creature who—instead of eating flesh or drinking blood—decides to buy a large house in Maryland where he opens a music school!

(BRIEF PAUSE FOR MY MENTAL STABILITY: It’s my interest in plots like these that have caused me to age at an unusual rate and lose friends. Now back to the review.)

The FIEND takes the name Eric Longfellow, and spends a lot of film time wandering around the front yard of his new home where his neighbors stare at him with odd expressions. It should be pointed out that Longfellow, played by Don Dohler regular Don Leifert, does a fine job here and gives off a truly eerie vibe.

We’re eventually clued in as to just why Longfellow is a FIEND and not a ZOMBIE: if he doesn’t take other people’s “life forces” on a regular basis, he starts to grow old. When fully charged, Longfellow looks to be about 35-40 years old. But as he ages, the cheap special effects attempt to make him look like he’s in his 80s. The unique angle of the FIEND is how this freshly-risen creature kills his victims: by strangulation!  When the FIEND chokes some poor soul, his body glows the same shade of ghastly red that reanimated him in the first place. And while this could’ve been a real laugh-riot (especially with the below-grade-Z effects), there’s a certain sense of dread and some decent atmosphere that makes these sequences work.

A couple of nosey, goody-two-shoes neighbors eventually begin to suspect there’s something weird about their new neighbor, and decide to investigate. (The one thing I laughed at by the middle of the film was the absence of students or any actual music playing in Longfellow’s home academy…perhaps this is what caused suspicion in his neighbors?).

FIEND is a seriously flawed film, but worth a look if only for Leifert’s fine performance as the soulless title monster, and some unusually solid atmosphere for a low budget picture. But as fans of B-horror know, there’s stretches of boredom here that will challenge even the most jaded of trash film junkies. But if you can get through these areas, FIEND isn’t too bad a time (and it didn’t help seeing this after DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE, a superior film on every level).

(NOTE: In researching this film, I discovered FIEND star Don Liefert had passed away just recently in 2010. Hopefully his rest won’t be interrupted by a tacky-looking, malevolent spirit…)

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

 Showing his early 80s horror-film colleagues you don’t need sharp weapons to be effective,
the FIEND (the late Dan Liefert) takes another soul.

(Note: Because there wasn’t a Suburban Grindhouse Memories column last Thursday, Nick agreed to write a new one this week, as well as his regular column again for next Thursday)

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: CHOPPING MALL (1986)

Posted in 2011, 80s Horror, Campy Movies, Nick Cato Reviews, ROBOTS!, Slasher Movies, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , on October 20, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES:
The Dangers of Advanced Security
By Nick Cato

March, 1986: While I’m assuming most fellow members of the class of 1986 were busy scouting colleges and making plans for their post-high school graduation, I was transfixed on the above advertisement I spotted one Friday in the New York Daily News’s weekend section. CHOPPING MALL: “Where shopping costs you an arm and a leg.” Priceless. Perfect. How come no one had thought of this earlier? Who knows? Either way I made my way to the (now defunct) Rae Twin Cinema on opening night despite the frigid temperature, not knowing what to expect.

Judging from the brief TV ad, it looked like a typical slasher film set in a mall. But CHOPPING MALL turned out to be a sci-fi-tinged outing, although it basically follows a slasher-film pattern.

A bunch of teenagers (who don’t look like teenagers) decide to hide in a shopping mall. Their plan is to party once everyone has gone home for the night. What they don’t realize is the place has recently installed a state-of-the-art computerized security system, which not only locks the place down tighter than Fort Knox, but also unleashes three 1950s-looking robots, armed with high-tech laser weapons (because, you know, all malls need laser-spitting robots to protect the priceless merchandise).

Among our group of partiers are Barbara Crampton (who, at the time, the audience referred to as “HEY! It’s that hot chick from REANIMATOR!”), who provides one of the mandatory topless scenes, main star Kelli Maroney (who had roles in NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984) and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982), before battling these robots and becoming a TV star) and Tony O’Dell, who had starred a year earlier in the wonderfully inept and insane EVILS OF THE NIGHT (1985).

Wouldn’t you know the same night our partiers get things going, a nasty thunderstorm sends lightning into the mall’s roof antenna, causing the high-tech security system to malfunction? And, besides our teens not being able to get in or out, the three laser-spitting robots are now running amuck, their first victim a night janitor played by cameo king Dick Miller. He gets zapped in some of the most horrible-looking “electric” effects since the psychic-battle at the finale of Ted V. Mikels’s BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS (1972). Come to think of it, most of the teens are killed by the robots electrocuting them.

So what about those laser beams?

In the film’s most memorable scene (next to Barbara Crampton showing off her post-REANIMATOR ta-tas) one poor lass (played by the cute Suzee Slater, who also had a role in LAS VEGAS SERIAL KILLER the same year as this masterpiece) has her head blown to smithereens by a killbot (the film was titled KILLBOTS in pre-production, and expensive theater posters with this title can be found at sleazier horror conventions or on eBay). The effect is quite effective, causing everyone in the theater to scream. I was a bit taken back, too, as no one thought these little rolling ‘bots had this much aggression in them (not that electrocuting or pushing people off the second level into a hot pretzel stand is anything mellow). This glorious four seconds of celluloid was as gruesome as the head explosions in both DAWN OF THE DEAD (1979) and SCANNERS (1981). Kudos to special effects artist Anthony Showe—who—despite not being a common name among genre fans—has a respectable list of credits under his belt, including 1982’s CONAN rip-off, SORCERESS, 1985’s slasher classic THE MUTILATOR, and horror comedy effort SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK (1988). I challenge you to find ANYONE who has seen this film and ask them what they remember about it. It won’t be Crampton’s rack or the silly-looking killbots. It’ll be this gooey, disgusting, explosive display of cranial destruction.

The audience got a real charge (full pun intended) out of our heroes, when they realize what’s happening and start looking for things to protect themselves with. When one guy comes walking out with an M-16, I nearly fell out of my chair in hysterics. While I don’t recall any shopping malls in my area selling any type of guns (let alone a military-issued assault rifle), I think the film would have had a TAD more credibility had he armed himself with a cheese grater, or a shiatsu massager, or..I don’t know…ANYTHING you’d find more easily in a mall than an M-16!

But what else can you expect when you plunk down your cash to see something titled CHOPPING MALL? It’s goofy…it’s a borderline slasher satire…and it has a few interesting kill scenes. AND it has Dick Miller.

What more does a grindhouse fan need?

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

Leslie (Suzee Slater) about to have a high-tech facial make-over in CHOPPING MALL (a.k.a. KILLBOTS).

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: Lucio Fulci’s THE GATES OF HELL

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, Cult Movies, Demons, Gore!, Italian Horror, Lucio Fulci, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Zombies with tags , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
You’ll PUKE Your Guts Out!
By Nick Cato

During the spring of 1983, a black and white version of the poster seen above graced the film sections of NYC newspapers. While it didn’t take much to get us horror fans into the theater, it was even easier when a film came out UNRATED and was directed by some Italian guy only a handful of us had heard about. Remember, this was still the age of no Internet. The only sources of horror news came through FANGORIA magazine and, for a select chosen few, a small network of crudely-made underground horror film fanzines.

I had missed Lucio Fulci’s ZOMBIE (1979) when it hit American shores during the summer of 1980, and was tired of hearing people rave over how wonderfully disgusting it was. But three years later, here was another one from the same director with an equally as creepy ad campaign. To say I was psyched was putting it mildly (I later found out GATES had been released in 1980 in Italy, a year after ZOMBIE premiered there.).

Thankfully, THE GATES OF HELL opened at the (now defunct) Amboy Twin Cinemas, the easiest theater in all of NY’s five boroughs to get into if you were underage. And despite being UNRATED, the Amboy Twin still allowed me and my gang of pimple-faced freshman gore geeks to march right in on opening night.

Let’s back-track one more time: Everything about this film gave the theater itself an uneasy aura: from it’s startling title (that I still prefer over its official DVD release as CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, as well as over twenty other international titles) to it’s threatening blurb at the bottom of its poster (“This film contains scenes which may be considered shocking. No one under 17 admitted.”). A brief NYC television ad even featured a Catholic priest slipping a noose around his neck as a luminous voice said “The gates of HELL are about to be opened!” In other words, there was no bootleg VHS copies available, no Pay-Per View previews on cable TV… just good, old-school advertising and a short & sweet trailer I’ve been trying to track down since the night I saw it on late night television. If memory serves right, even FANGORIA didn’t run pictures until AFTER the film had been in theaters.

While, at the time, none of us saw Fulci as the gore-god he would soon become known as, it was evident the guy wasn’t playing with even half a deck: I can’t recall any other film featuring a zombie apocalypse caused by a priest hanging himself. Well, maybe it wasn’t an apocalypse per se, as all the action took place in a small town.

The strong point of GATES is its constant sense of dread. As soon as the suicidal priest does his business, supernatural-type zombies began to appear all over the small town of Dunwich, ripping out unsuspecting people’s brains, shown in gooey, graphic detail that would become any gorehound’s glory. And just WHY this dead priest caused the dead to rise is anyone’s guess (if you’ve never seen a Lucio Fulci film, logic is rarely—if ever—something to bother looking for). But the audience and myself really didn’t CARE why, as we were having too much fun watching zombies rip out brains, and others become possessed: one poor woman begins to cry blood before puking her guts up (literally) in what seemed like a five-minute sequence. While I actually laughed as this happened, due to the ultra-fake looking teeth during the close-up, most of the audience screamed and gasped, causing me to laugh harder. But any laughs had during this cheap-looking effect were made up for in BUCKETS over the film’s most infamous sequence.

The mentally-challenged Bob (played by the soon-to-be Euro-cult film icon Giovanni Lombardo Radice) is thrown onto a table by his father. On the table is a stationary power drill, which Bob’s head is slowly—ever so slowly—pushed onto. The camera doesn’t cut away. The theater freaked out. I was glad when I eventually found out Giovanni was making another film as I was CONVINCED they had killed the poor guy for this scene! If you haven’t seen it, it’s arguably one of the most gruesome, realistic special effects ever devised for a film. Hats off to FX artist Gino de Rossi for pulling off one of the greatest gore sequences I ever had the pleasure of witnessing in a theater.

Now, despite all the fun we were having, and despite the non-existent plot (and DO NOT even get me started on the ridiculous, completely pointless ending), what TRULY bothered me about the film was its star, Christopher George, who plays a New York City reporter who, for some reason, is in New England covering the priest suicide story. While it’s true George has starred in numerous horror and exploitation films (most notably 1982’s PIECES and 1980’s THE EXTERMINATOR), I’ve just always had a hard time buying him in any role. Thankfully, the lovely Catriona MacColl co-stars as a psychic who helps him discover what happened the night the priest hung himself at a local cemetery.

THE GATES OF HELL, with its slow-moving first half and horrendous acting, is truly an acquired taste. But once things get underway—and if you’re willing to ignore the fact there’s not much of a story to go with—you just might enjoy this gross, over-the-top splatter-fest from the “legendary” Lucio Fulci. And again, despite a few people attempting to explain the ending to me over the years…trust me: IT MAKES NO SENSE!

With all his flaws, I truly miss Fulci and his few films I was lucky enough to see during the Golden Age of the Splatter Films.

And THE GATES OF HELL was one of his better efforts.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

Bob (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) at the start of one of the most grueling sequences in horror film history.


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