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Quick Cuts: NICOLAS CAGE VS. LIAM NEESON

QUICK CUTS: NICHOLAS CAGE OR LIAM NEESON?
Featuring a Panel of Cinema Knife Fighters

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MICHAEL ARRUDA: Today on QUICK CUTS we ask our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters, “If you had to choose between Nicholas Cage or Liam Neeson, which one would you rather see in a movie?”

We pose this question because both these guys have carved out niches for themselves of late, starring in a string of successful action movies. And because they both make a ton of movies, they each have had their share of misfires.

CHALLENGER # 1 – NICOLAS CAGE

So, Cage or Neeson? Does anyone have an opinion on this?

GARRETT COOK: Hell yes, I have an opinion on this!

L.L. SOARES: I should hope so! You’re on the flippin panel!

MICHAEL ARRUDA: We might as well start this one off with a bang.

L.L. SOARES: So, what’s your opinion?

GARRETT COOK: With the exception of his roles in DRIVE ANGRY (2011) and KICK-ASS (2010) Nicholas Cage makes me want to bite him until he dies every time he plagues my screen with this vomity acting, slow talking, and stupid, stupid face.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Wow, I guess you do have an opinion! Is “vomity” even a word?

GARRETT COOK: You know what I mean.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: I certainly do. And I can’t say I disagree with you.

L.L. SOARES: Well, I disagree, but I’ll wait a bit before I prove you wrong.

MARK OSNPAUGH: Ouch!

GARRETT COOK: Liam Neeson is a street-smart man-god, who kills white slavers and was the best character in GANGS OF NEW YORK (2002). I forgive him for his involvement in STAR WARS EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999).

Neeson over Cage.

L.L. SOARES: Actually, Daniel-Day Lewis was the best thing in GANGS OF NEW YORK. In fact, I thought he was the only thing memorable about that movie.

MARK ONSPAUGH: My turn.

While I love the goofball eccentricity Cage brings to his roles, I find myself thanking God every day he was not Superman…

(The panel rises in unison and cheers, except for L.L. SOARES, who boos)

L.L. SOARES: Cage would have made an excellent Superman!

MARK ONSPAUGH: I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. Also, if the there was a chance to see either one in a kick-ass movie, then I would go with Neeson—his voice is awesome (witness the voice-overs for Star Wars: The Old Republic commercials) and he brings a certain gravitas to his serious roles… Was he not a major bad-ass in TAKEN (2008)? And let’s not forget he was DARKMAN (1990), Gawain in EXCALIBUR (1981), Kegan in KRULL (1983), ROB ROY (1995), Zeus in CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010)… AND freaking Ras Al-Ghul in the Nolan Batman trilogy…

MICHAEL ARRUDA: While I liked him as DARKMAN, I can’t say I was ever too excited by those other roles.

MARK ONSPAUGH: Plus, he’s proved he can have fun in popcorn fare like THE A-TEAM (2010). I don’t know if it’s his training or his tragedy (probably both), but I “buy” Neeson much more than Cage… Did I mention he’s Aslan in NARNIA?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Nope, and I wish you hadn’t!

CHALLENGER # 2 - LIAM NEESON

MARK ONSPAUGH: Now, the real question—how about the two together as in-laws?

L.L. SOARES: Well, for the record, I have to admit, I love them both.

MARK ONSPAUGH: Hmm, maybe we should be considering Cage, Neeson, and Soares as in-laws?

L.L. SOARES: Huh? Wait, how many in-laws can a person have?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: All three of you could be brothers-in-law.

L.L. SOARES: Too confusing. Let me just make my points.

When Cage brings his over-the-top lunacy to a movie, it can turn a mediocre film into a campy treat. But there was a time when he was a serious actor. Back when he won the Oscar for LEAVING LAS VEGAS (1995), and had roles in WILD AT HEART (1990) and KISS OF DEATH (1995).

But by the time he started appearing in action fare like THE ROCK (1996) and CON-AIR (1997), he had already become a parody of himself. Then something weird happened. He took that parody version of himself and pushed it all the way through to the other side.

Now in stuff like BAD LIETUENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS (2009), and DRIVE ANGRY (2011), he’s turned his eccentricities into an art form.

GARRETT COOK: Yeah, bad art!

L.L. SOARES: Even though I look forward to most movies Cage is in, I won’t see everything. I still haven’t seen his NATIONAL TREASURE movies, nor do I plan to.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Smart move. You’re not missing much.

L.L. SOARES: I can also live without seeing FAMILY MAN (2000) and THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE (2010). I just have no desire to see Cage in any kind of “family” film.

Neeson is the more serious of the two, but even he has had his low points. As Garrett mentioned, he was Qui-Gon Jinn in STAR WARS EPISODE 1 – THE PHANTOM MENACE, a character who just did nothing for me. And he was a ho-hum Zeus in the awful CLASH OF THE TITANS remake. But even in bad movies and less than stellar roles, he seems to rise above the crap and maintain his dignity. There is an air of authority and gravitas that Neeson brings to every role, so he’s always watchable, at least. His more recent action fare with TAKEN, UNKNOWN (2011) and THE GREY (2012) have been a lot more entertaining than they have any right to be, and I can’t wait to see more of this “new” Liam Neeson.

Neeson's latest film is THE GREY.

But at this point, I look forward to any new movie either of them puts out. Even if they’re in bad movies, they’re still more entertaining than 90% of the rest of the actors out there.

COLLEEN WANGLUND: I’ve liked Nic Cage in a handful of movies—.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Nic Cage?

MARK ONSPAUGH: I’m adding Colleen to the in-law list with Cage, Neeson, and Soares.

L.L. SOARES: Huh?

MICHAEL ARRUDA (laughing): Yeah, she’s the sister in-law.

COLLEEN WANGLUND: As I was saying, I’ve liked Nic Cage in a handful of movies, like LEAVING LAS VEGAS (1995), WILD AT HEART (1990), RAISING ARIZONA (1987), and MOONSTRUCK (1987)—but for the most part I think Cage “phones it in”.

L.L. SOARES: I don’t think so. I think he hams it up in a fun way, and sometimes people miss that in his performances.

COLLEEN WANGLUND: Well, in my opinion, Liam Neeson is just a better actor, regardless of the movie role.

L.L. SOARES: I agree Neeson is the better actor, but Cage won an Oscar! That said, they’re both doing their best work in movies that many people might consider beneath them. Well, beneath Neeson at least…

GARRETT COOK: We’re talking too much about Cage. Someone hand me a barf bag!

COLLEEN WANGLUND: Well, that’s my answer.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Liam Neeson or Nicholas Cage?

L.L. SOARES: Yeah, that’s the question, you dolt. Are you going to answer it or repeat it again?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: For you, I might just repeat it, but since we have an entire panel here tonight, I’ll let it go. But now it’s my turn.

Up until a few years ago, I wasn’t a fan of either one of these actors.

Way back when, I did like Neeson in his early roles, in films like SUSPECT (1987) and THE MISSION (1986), and of course, he was outstanding in SCHINDLER’S LIST (1992). But surprisingly he failed to impress me in LES MISERABLE (1998), and then came a string of roles that just didn’t wow me, starting with STAR WARS EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE and including such movies as BATMAN BEGINS (2005), the NARNIA movies, and CLASH OF THE TITANS. Of course, I didn’t see everything Neeson made during these years, but what I was seeing wasn’t doing much for me. I mean, he was fine in these films, but he wasn’t outstanding.

However, I’ve really enjoyed Neeson lately in films like CHLOE (2009), UNKNOWN and THE GREY. He’s been excellent in these movies.

L.L. SOARES: I liked CHLOE a lot, too.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Cage always seems to grate on my nerves.

GARRETT COOK: Would you like a barf bag?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: No thanks. He never made me want to throw up, but he does get under my skin.

Like with Neeson, I did enjoy some of his early movies, like RAISING ARIZONA (1987) and MOONSTRUCK (1987)

L.L. SOARES: MOONSTRUCK? That’s what you consider to be a good Nicolas Cage movie? Gimme LEAVING LAS VEGAS and WILD AT HEART over those any day.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: I think he’s pretty darn good in MOONSTRUCK, but as his career went on he appeared in movies I either didn’t like or wasn’t interested in seeing. His appearance in THE ROCK (1996) began a stretch of action movies I wasn’t crazy about.

Also like Neeson, I’ve enjoyed some recent performances by Cage, in such movies as SEASON OF THE WITCH (2011) and DRIVE ANGRY 3D (2011). However, the big difference between the two is Neeson’s recent roles have left me wanting to see whatever he’s doing next. I can’t say the same for Cage.

Nicolas Cage's new movie GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE comes out this weekend!

So, Liam Neeson or Nicholas Cage?

L.L. SOARES: Are you repeating the question again?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: That’s my gift to you.

Anyway, I’m going with Neeson.

NICK CATO: Here’s my two cents.

L.L. SOARES: Hey, Nick! You’re here!

NICK CATO: Yep, I’m here.

L.L. SOARES: You’ve been so quiet, I hadn’t noticed you!

DANIEL KEOHANE: I’m here too. Waiting patiently, while you guys continue to dominate the conversation.

L.L. SOARES: Quit whining! We’ll get to you!

DANIEL KEOHANE: I’d like to think you’re saving the best for last.

L.L. SOARES: You can think that all you want, but it’s not true! (laughs).

MARK ONSPAUGH: I could add you to the “in-laws” list if that would make you feel any better.

GARRETT COOK: How about a barf bag?

DANIEL KEOHANE: No, no. I’m good. (Feigns a pouty face.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: How about your two cents, Nick?

NICK CATO: I’ve been a big Nicolas Cage fan since seeing him in RAISING ARIZONA (1987).

While there’s no denying Liam Neeson is a great (and better) actor —I especially liked him in KINSEY (2004) —a lot of roles he chooses simply don’t interest me. Cage is always over the top, comical, and while a lot of people don’t care for it, I love his constant neo-Elvis persona (his role as Sailor Ripley in David Lynch’s WILD AT HEART (1990) was priceless). Regardless of who is directing him (be it Lynch, Werner Herzog, or the Coen Brothers), Cage always makes these unique roles his own.

L.L. SOARES: I think a lot of people don’t get Nicholas Cage.

GARRETT COOK: I get him. He just makes me sick!

DANIEL KEOHANE: Is it finally my turn?

L.L. SOARES: Yes, it’s finally your turn!

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Go for it.

DANIEL KEOHANE: The way they each approach their roles is completely different. Cage takes on more “Everyman” characters caught in larger-than-life situations. Neeson, though also in predicament-type movies, seems more bent on suspense films vs. Cage’s science fiction/fantasy/action roles.

And Neeson carries a more—if this makes any sense—literary air about himself.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Yeah, I know what you mean. There’s an intellectual presence in his roles. He almost carries himself like he’s a college professor

L.L. SOARES: Yeah, a college professor who kicks some serious ass!

DANIEL KEOHANE: Cage does more of a comic book kind of thing.

Or here’s an even worse metaphor: Neeson is multi-grain to Cage’s Wonder Bread. I like them both, depending on my appetite.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: I don’t see Cage as Wonder Bread. He’s more like Beer Bread.

L.L. SOARES: What the hell is beer bread?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Bread made with beer. It’s good. But if you eat too much of it, you won’t be feeling too good. Kinda like watching Nicholas Cage.

Well, thanks everyone for taking part in tonight’s QUICK CUTS column. For what it’s worth, the voting tonight went LIAM NEESON – 6, NICHOLAS CAGE – 3, so this panel clearly favored Neeson.

On behalf of Garrett Cook, Mark Onspaugh, Colleen Wanglund, Nick Cato, Dan Keohane, L.L. Soares and myself, Michael Arruda, thank you all for joining us, and we’ll see you next time!

—END—

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou Presents: THE REVENGE OF DR. X (1970)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 1970s Movies, 2012, Asian Horror, Bad Acting, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Drive-in Movies, Ed Wood!, Low Budget Movies, Mad Doctors!, Plant Monsters!, William Carl Articles with tags Bills Bizarre Bijou, Ed Wood, James Craig, Japanese Horror, Plant Monster, Revenge of Dr X, Venus Flytrap on February 16, 2012 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

THE REVENGE OF DR. X (1970)

(A.K.A. VENUS FLYTRAP, BODY OF THE PREY, THE DOUBLE GARDEN, and THE DEVIL GARDEN)

Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you, so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes!

Now this is what I’m talking about! THE REVENGE OF DR. X (1970) is a movie that’s almost incomprehensible to modern viewers, an assault on all that is good and decent in quality motion pictures; a viewing experience so weird and wacky that it boggles the mind. You want to expose your friends to how entertaining a terrible movie can be? This is the stinker to show them the true wonders of crap cinema!

The movie starts with poorly matted credits, and we get a little excited. This stars John Ashley, Angelique Pettyjohn, and Ronald Remy. . . hey, what a minute. These are the exact credits for THE MAD DOCTOR OF BLOOD ISLAND, the green-blooded zombie exploitation hit from 1968. They’ve used all the wrong credits, so it’ll take some digging to identify any cast and crew members for this turkey. Luckily, that dialogue is instantly identifiable. Even in the first scenes, when rocket scientist Dr. Bragan is worrying about the fate of his newly lunched space probe, we get classics like:

Dr. Bragan: How in the hell can anyone be so stupid as to build a rocket base on the coast of Florida?

Dr. Stanley: Dr. Bragan, there could be a possible error in our calculations.

Dr. Bragan: Could be? Could be, Dr. Stanley? There is no room for ‘could be’s’ in this project. You see this? A mathematical error the width of this small coin in space could represent the distance between New York and Tokyo. A ‘could be’ in space could throw our rocket a million miles off its targets. Dr. Stanley, ‘could be’s’ I cannot use! Gentlemen, I want the facts! The facts, do you hear? Paul, you take these ‘could be’s’ and make the necessary corrections and bring me the reports. And get these (motions to other scientists) things outta my sight. Get them outta here!

Yes, friends, the words bear the unmistakable stamp of the wonderfully untalented Ed Wood Jr., writer and director of such joyfully bad films as PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE (1959), BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (1955), and the inimitable GLEN OR GLENDA? (1953.) By the late 1960s, our favorite cross-dressing director had fallen on hard times, and Ed Wood Jr. was writing soft-core (and even some hardcore) pornography. He brought us delights such as ONE MILLION AC/DC (1969),TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE (1970), and the delightfully titled THE SEXECUTIVES (1967). Somewhere between his naughty nudie movies, he managed to whack out a script entitled VENUS FLYTRAP, which was purchased by Japan’s Toei Studios and was anonymously directed. Nobody on any website I searched appeared to know who directed THE REVENGE OF DR. X. It wasn’t even good enough for Alan Smithee.

They did wrangle an aging matinee idol from yesteryear, James Craig, who often stood in for Clark Gable and still sported his pencil-thin moustache in 1970, when DR. X was filmed. Craig had an interesting career spanning from the 1930s to the early 1970s. After establishing himself as a handsome, rugged actor, ala Gable, he starred in several real classics, such as KITTY FOYLE (1940). THE HUMAN COMEDY (1943), KISMET (1944), and OUR VINES HAVE TENDER GRAPES (1945). By the Fifties, Craig was working on television shows like DEATH VALLEY DAYS and HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL while still churning out fun B-Pictures like THE CYCLOPS (1957). In the novel MYRA BRECKENRIDGE, Gore Vidal named him the most desirable film star of yesteryear. By 1970, he not only starred in THE REVENGE OF DR. X, he was also in the grade-Z movie BIGFOOT(1970) and the Nazi Biker flick THE TORMENTORS (1971). Yes, oh how the mighty have fallen!

As we saw earlier, Dr. Bragan is a NASA scientist who has a meltdown while waiting for his probe to arrive at whatever space-place it’s aimed for, so his Japanese assistant, Dr. Nakamura, tells him to take a vacation in Japan. Bragan packs his car and drives to the airport —by way of North Carolina, if the signs are right! Stopping for repairs at a rural gas station, he is aided by a friendly white rube in black-face who has a special fondness for snakes. While he fixes the doctor’s car, Bragan discovers a Venus Flytrap and takes it with him. No, there doesn’t seem to be any constraints on transporting a large carnivorous plant across the ocean and into a strange, alien environment. Once he arrives in Japan, he is picked up by the beautiful and, unfortunately completely untalented Noriko, Nakamura’s lovely cousin. They decide to set up Bragan’s laboratory at her father’s old place where there is a greenhouse. You know, because all space physicists are also botanists in their spare time. The road getting there is rough, including passing a volcano which is spewing lava and ash hundreds of feet into the air. Nariko informs the unshaken scientists that “the volcano is never really dangerous.” Hello? Lava? Falling rocks? Okay, I’ll eat my popcorn and watch.

Norika emotes!

The house is a sprawling mansion with a huge greenhouse tended by a Japanese mute hunchback who plays Danse Macabre on the giant pipe organ in the living room. Doc X (Note: not once in the movie is Bragan referred to as Dr. X, despite the movie’s title!) replants his beloved Venus Flytrap in the greenhouse and begins to go a little crazier. He decides he needs to mate his plant with another carnivorous plant that walks around on the ocean floor. He believes even Charles Darwin could respect such a creature, that even Darwin secretly believed humans to have evolved from plants. Luckily, Noriko knows several nubile women who like to pearl dive topless, and they get the walking plant for the scientist, who marvels over its beauty. It’s a huge tube with long roots to walk with a more scraggly tubers sticking out of its top. When he gets it back to his lab, he injects it with new glands and vitamins so he can make the plant “as human as the human element itself.” What what what? All the while, the thing whimpers like a puppy. Plants can cry? I am learning so much from this movie that I never knew before. Yeah, okay, shut up Bill and eat your popcorn.

A mad scientist, his hunchbacked assistant....and, oh yeah, Noriko.

Noriko: But, Doctor Bragan, that’s impossible.

Bragan: Don’t tell me anything’s impossible! I refuse the word ‘impossible!’”

Suddenly, the Venus Flytrap is six feet tall with shiny red papier-mâché mouths and the whole greenhouse looks like Frankenstein’s lab. There is a pulley system which Bragan uses to heft the mutant Plantenstein to the roof during a storm and there are lots of those metal shocking things that go buzzzzz bzzzzt buzzzz. Animated lightning crackles on the set as Bragan screams at the storm, “Your mother was the Earth! The rain your blood! The lightning your power! Ah hahahahahaha!”

The resulting creature must be seen to be believed. It’s as if someone who’d watched too many Ultraman episodes was given a fifty dollar budget at Hobby Lobby. It’s a rubber suited monster with pipe cleaners sticking out of its head, flytrap hands and feet, and a scowling skull face. And, yes, the zipper is plainly visible, even in the grainy print I witnessed.

PLANTENSTEIN ATTACKS!!

Bragan starts sleeping by the creature, and the mute hunchback begins raising puppies in the greenhouse (uh-oh!), and Noriko begins fighting with the good doctor.

Noriko: You must eat, Doctor Bragan. You must keep your strength.”

Bragan: I can watch after myself, thank you very much! I’ve been doing it for quite some time already.

Bragan attempts to feed the monster one of the puppies, but Norika gets upset. Puppies are off the menu! But, apparently, woodland creatures like mice and squirrels are fair game, and the plant creature grows even larger and makes duck-like quacking noises when it moves. Every time it feeds, the screen goes red. Bragan even goes to a local hospital at night (on a mountaintop?) and steals blood from people getting transfusions to give the Plantenstein its protein supplement for the day. It attacks the hunchback (who, in all fairness, was teasing the monster with a white bunny treat), and the doctor takes the plant’s side.

Noriko: You are no longer Dr. Bragan, brilliant scientist. You are Dr. Bragan, madman.

Bragan: There is nothing wrong with my MIND!

Finally, the creature breaks its bonds and goes rampaging down the hill toward a local village. You know, the one right underneath the lava-spewing, non-dangerous volcano. Soon, villagers take to the streets, carrying pitch-forks and torches. Bragan, using a baby goat as bait, lures the monster to the rim of the volcano, and the scientist and his monstrous creation tumble into the lava stock footage together, while the adorable goat bleats and watches. Just like the end of THE MANSTER(1959)!

So, Ed Wood Jr. wrote it and a fallen star headlined it and apparently nobody directed it, yet you can’t take your eyes off the damned thing! Nor your ears. The music isn’t credited to anyone, and it’s pretty obvious that stock library music was used by randomly putting a needle down on a record and recording. It never stops! And it is rarely appropriate for the scene. Most of it involves xylophones, oboes, and wooden blocks, and the whole doggone thing reminded me of the percussion band we had in music class in the third grade! It’s hard not to laugh when comical xylophone music is playing over footage of an argument or 1960s beach style pop is heard every time someone drives a car. It’s so schizophrenic that an idiot savant seems to have scored it.

Be warned, in no way does THE REVENGE OF DR. X resemble a good movie—and that’s a wondrous thing! James Craig acts as if he’s portraying the dastardly villain tying ladies to railroad tracks. Noriko spouts phonetically learned speeches with no inflection whatsoever. Men in rubber suits attack small children and puppies. Volcanoes can’t hurt anyone till they have to. Inappropriate music, NASA stock footage, snakes in a barn, Ed Wood Jr. dialogue . . . it’s bad movie heaven!

For normal moviegoers, 1 out of 4 non-dangerous volcanoes. For people like us, 4 out of 4 non-dangerous volcanoes. You know you wanna see it!

THE END (..OR IS IT??)

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: THE CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Campy Movies, Monsters, Mutants!, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Troma! with tags Grindhouse, Lloyd Kaufman, mutants, Nuke Em High, Richard W. Haines, troma, Tromie on February 9, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
Dawn of the Nuclear Slime…
By Nick CatoReleased about six months after the unlikely success of THE TOXIC AVENGER, Troma Films’ second take on radioactive raunchiness, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986), is another New York/New Jersey-lensed exploitation epic that Lloyd Kaufman’s crackpot film company managed to sort-of get right…at least if B-movies are your thing.

While I wanted to see this in Times Square (being it wasn’t in wide-release), a small theater in New Jersey actually featured it for one week only. I conned a couple of my buddies to join me on my quest for Tromaville, and we headed to the Garden State hoping this would at least be half as good as the first TOXIC AVENGER.

Warren and his cute girlfriend, Chrissy, are among the few clean cut students at Tromaville High, which happens to be located right behind a nuclear power plant. The punk students (who look like rejects from a really bad ROAD WARRIOR rip-off) grow marijuana right outside the plant, and begin selling radiation-laced pot around the school. One early sequence of government officials checking the power plant for toxic leaks had the audience in stitches; some men fell to the ground stone-cold dead as others kept about their jobs, unaware of what was happening to their colleagues. It’s a nice bit of old-fashioned slapstick that worked among the coming gore, slime, and radioactive boobies.

Despite their nerdiness, Warren and Chrissy decide to partake of the toxic weed. As a result, Warren gains incredible strength, and Chrissy becomes incredibly horny…which leads to a wicked spin in the sack with her boyfriend…which leads to a pregnancy. Before long the entire school is having strange side effects, the best being Chrissy’s baby who turns out to be a ten-foot tall radioactive monster who eventually helps to wipe out the toxic punk drug dealers.

If you’ve never seen a Troma film before, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH is a prime example of the style that gave them notoriety during the splatter-film craze of the 1980s. One sequence, where an enraged Warren goes after a punk who has messed with him one time too many, features a silly (yet effective) special effect where he rams his fist down the guy’s throat. The New Joisey crowd ate this scene up, cheers growing louder as Warren’s arm eventually goes down further than his elbow with puke-inducing sound effects.

You don’t go to see something called CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH for artistic value.

While THE TOXIC AVENGER had a better crafted (if familiar) story, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH is basically pure chaos: the simple premise is set in motion when a nerdy student freaks out during the opening scene, oozes green slime from his ears, then jumps out the second-floor window. The atomic marijuana is then introduced, along with an endless array of whacky characters. The two directors (Lloyd Kaufman and Richard W. Haines)—for some reason it took two directors to create this!—then let everything go ballistic in a brain-dead, toxic high school gore/sci-fi romp that (at the time) was a pure blast for its intended teenage audience. I’ve seen the film a few times over the years on VHS and DVD, and while there are still some laughs to be had, much of it gets tedious and it doesn’t hold up half as well as THE TOXIC AVENGER or Troma’s other fluke of a hit, TROMA’S WAR (1988). But I’m betting younger exploitation fans will still get a real charge out of this high-octane trip to Tromaville.

NUKE ‘EM HIGH’s horrible soundtrack, trademark Troma bad acting, and high school students who look way too old to be high school students has a certain charm that many modern-day made-for-cable/DVD exploitation films just don’t have. So throw your biohazard suit on and check this out for a near-lethal dose of old school Troma-rificness. And remember the tagline: READIN’ WRITIN’ AND RADIATION!

You’ve been warned.

(This film also spawned two sequels: CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH PART 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN (1991) and CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SUBHUMANOID (1994). While part 2 had its moments (especially a gigantic rodent named Tromie the Nuclear Squirrel), you’re not missing anything. Part 3 was one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. You’ve been warned again!).

The lovely Chrissy (Janelle Brady) realizes something is DEFINITELY wrong with her rapidly-growing radioactive baby…in THE CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH!

Suburban Grindhouse Memories: DEATHSTALKER (1984)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Bad Acting, Barbarian Movies, Grindhouse, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Sword & Sorcery, VIOLENCE!, Warriors with tags Barbarian, COnan Wannabe, Deathstalker, Grindhouse, Rick Hill, Violence! on January 26, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES PRESENTS:
DEATHSTALKER: Conan…Without Class!
By Nick Cato

I spent most of the time during the second half of my sophomore year in high school daydreaming about movies. While horror preoccupied 90% of my mind, other exploitation films took about 8%, and the final 2% was dedicated to all things CONAN. From the early Marvel comics to the 1982 Ah-Nuld film version, I was always a big fan of the sword & sorcery genre. And while the success of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) spawned several rip-offs, none were as memorable as the 1984 schlock-fest DEATHSTALKER, which happened to be released as I trudged through the tenth grade.

Picture—if you will—a group of fifteen year-old male teenagers managing to get into an R-rated action film with no problem. Now picture—if you will—that same group of ecstatic fifteen year-old teenagers giggling with glee as the sword & sorcery epic unreeling before them turned out to feature some of the worst acting, fakest-looking creatures, and massive amounts of jiggling boobs this side of a PORKY’S film. Even one-time sex symbol Barbi Benton appears as a princess, although she was better off taking another cruise on THE LOVE BOAT than accepting whatever peanuts she was offered for her forgettable role here.

Besides the gratuitous boobs and brutal fight sequences, what truly made DEATHSTALKER such a joy to watch was the title character himself. Deathstalker was played by stuntman/actor Rick Hill, and is far less noble a warrior than Conan: he’s a conscience-less murderer and rapist, taking any woman who even looks at him as he walks by with his bulging biceps. And in what tries to pass for a plot, a king asks Deathstalker to try and redeem himself by rescuing his kidnapped princess daughter from a tattoo-headed tyrant. Like any social misfit, Deathstalker basically tells the king where to go, then proceeds to eat (yes, EAT) half of the king’s poor dog! At this point, you either buckled your seatbelt and prepared to enjoy the trash that followed, or you left the theater and spared your brain any further damage.

I stayed.

There was mumbling around the theater wondering just why this king asked a known, savage rapist to rescue his daughter, and why he even cared if the guy redeemed himself. But such are the mysteries of rip-off, grindhouse cinema.

In one scene that drove the audience wild, a brawl goes down where one burly man (with his gigantic mallet) smashes his opponent into a bloody pancake. Popcorn flew around the (now defunct) Fox Twin Theatre in appreciation, and at one point I started to hope some of the older guys in attendance didn’t get any ideas after the film, out in the parking lot.

Between more bouncing boobs and heads getting lobbed off, there was talk of Deathstalker also having to find three objects that were allegedly part of the world’s creation (I remember one being a sword, which he finds, but can’t recall what the other two were…and you probably wouldn’t, either). Deathstalker eventually rescues the princess (who actually looks like an old sea hag) and takes the sword of creation from the clutches of Munkar, the aforementioned tattoo-headed tyrant (and MAN did his head-tattoo look fake!). Just WHY Deathstalker went ahead and did what the king asked —after saying he wasn’t interested—is anyone’s guess.

The remainder of DEATHSTALKER features our anti-hero joining a tournament where warriors battle other warriors to the death—sort-of like a sword & sorcery tribute to the Bruce Lee classic ENTER THE DRAGON (1973). Here the blood flows deeper than your standard slasher film, as arms, legs, and heads fly, bodies are impaled; all the while Munkar looks on with a smirk, thinking everyone who stands in his way will eventually kill themselves off, leaving him to rule the world. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But as fate would have it, Deathstalker manages to kill the final opponent, a goofy-looking pig-faced warrior beast, and eventually destroys Munkar and the mystical objects of creation.

Unlike CONAN THE BARBARIAN, or better rip-offs such as THE BEASTMASTER (1982), DEATHSTALKER’s sloppy script and countless plot holes will cause even the most jaded fan of grindhouse cinema to shake their head in disbelief. But, if you’re looking for a real GUY/party flick, full of hot babes, endless bloodshed, and acting so bad you can’t help but yell back at the screen (even if you’re watching it at home), DEATHSTALKER is a prime example of a so-bad-it’s-amazing film. Most mind-boggling: this cinematic abortion was followed by three sequels, with Rick Hill returning in the title role for the fourth installment. None were half as good (or bad) as the original.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill) battles a pig-faced beast during the exciting conclusion of DEATHSTALKER (1984)

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Special Movie Review for Christmas Day: THE ROOM (2003)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2011, Art Movies, Bad Acting, Campy Movies, Cult Movies, LL Soares Reviews with tags Camp Classics, Cheep cheep, Cult Movies, Juliette Danielle, Phillip Haldiman, The Room, Tommy Wiseau on December 25, 2011 by knifefighter

SPECIAL MOVIE REVIEW!
THE ROOM (2003)
By L.L. Soares

There’s a long history of movies that are considered “so bad, they’re good.” And one of the best in recent memory is THE ROOM by Tommy Wiseau. Since it was released in 2003, it has gone on to become a cult favorite, with midnight showings across the country and even audience interaction (supposedly, at key scenes, the audience throws plastic spoons at the screen, among other things). The “cult” began on the west coast and is slowly creeping east (there were midnight screenings in Boston and New York this year), and there’s good reason for this. The movie is pretty hilarious. But it may be hard to explain why in the course of a review.

The story, for what it is, centers on Johnny (Tommy Wiseau, who also directed, wrote and produced the film) and Lisa (Juliette Danielle), a young couple who live in San Francisco (there are lots of shots of the Golden Gate Bridge) and are in love. Or are they? When we first see them, they are telling each other how much in love they are, Johnny has bought Lisa a sexy red dress, and they go upstairs for an awkward soft-core sex scene that goes on for awhile and has awful soft rock playing over it. But things are not so rosy in the world of THE ROOM.

We next see Lisa talking to her mother, Claudette (Carolyn Minnot), and telling her how much she hates Johnny, and that she doesn’t want to marry him (even though they are supposed to get married within a month’s time!). She says Johnny is boring and while he can offer her financial stability, she doesn’t love him any more. Claudette, for her part, tells Lisa to stay in the relationship, and get married, because money is better than happiness, but Lisa doesn’t agree.

Lisa then goes on to seduce Johnny’s best friend, Mark (Greg Sestero), who seems completely baffled when he comes over for a visit and finds Lisa coming on to him, but who quickly succumbs to her wiles. Lisa tells him it’s him that she loves and she doesn’t want to be with Johnny anymore. Mark gives lip service to the fact that “Johnny is my best friend,” but five minutes later he’s up in her bed, and they have a long, awkward sex scene with bad soft rock playing over it.

When Johnny doesn’t get a promotion at the bank where he works, as he was promised, this appears to be the last straw for Lisa, who gets him drunk (he normally does not drink, but she convinces him it will make him feel better) and then later tells people he hit her (but he didn’t). She does nothing but talk trash about Johnny behind his back, yet when she’s around him, she only tells him how much she loves him.

Among the other strange characters who come for regular visits are Denny (Phillip Haldiman), a rather simple young man who Johnny wanted to adopt at one point, and whose college tuition is paid for by Johnny. Denny sees Johnny as a father figure, and loves him dearly. He also has the hots for Lisa. Denny is an odd boy who in one scene follows Lisa and Johnny up to their bedroom because he likes watching them (!) – they kick him out so they can be intimate – and in another scene is almost killed by a drug dealer he owes money to named Chris-R (Dan Janjigian), who holds a gun on Denny but it taken away when Johnny and Mark intervene.

There are also Michelle (Robyn Paris) and Mike (Scott Holmes) who sneak into Johnny and Lisa’s apartment to do some “homework” while the place is empty and have sex on the coach.

As more and more people find out Lisa’s secret (she doesn’t feel compelled to hide it from too many people), her friends plead with her to be honest with Johnny and break it off. That he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. But Lisa seems to truly enjoy screwing around behind Johnny’s back. There’s a real hatred there, that is never explained or explored except when she says things like Johnny is “boring” or she doesn’t love him anymore. She also implies that he treats her badly, even though we see no evidence of this. In fact, he seems to worship the ground she walks on.

Things culminate at Johnny’s birthday party, where everyone is invited and Lisa and Mark have an angry argument, which should finally tip Johnny off, but he’s still rather slow at coming around to the realization. When he does, Mark and Johnny have a couple of scuffles, and when Lisa finally leaves Johnny for good, there are tragic consequences.

Interspersed between all this are several scenes where Johnny and his buddies toss around a football in various locations (this seems to have real significance, but really doesn’t), Johnny calls a couple of his friends “chickens” (“Cheep cheep cheep”), people constantly walk in and out of Johnny and Lisa’s apartment, often without knocking (as Claudette says in one scene, “It’s like Grand Central Station around here”), and at one point, Claudette tells her daughter that the tests have come back and she definitely has breast cancer (Lisa tells her she’ll be okay, then switches the topic so she can complain more about the fact that she doesn’t love Johnny).

The acting is pretty awful throughout, although Wiseau has a certain charisma, even when he is spouting lines badly, laughing at inappropriate times, and being emotionally confused (at one point he can be shouting with anger, and suddenly calm down to say “Oh, hi Mark.”). No matter how bad his acting abilities are, Wiseau is definitely watchable, and hilarious. The rest of the cast isn’t much better, although the very strange and awful script (by Wiseau) probably makes them seem worse than they are. Their motiviations are often muddled and often things are said or done that make no sense.

Aside from Wiseau, who looks like a muscular Frankenstein Monster with long black hair and has an oddly Eastern European accent, the next most entertaining performance here is definitely Juliette Danielle as Lisa. Lisa is the villain of this piece, even if she refuses to acknowledge it. The way she’s able to declare her love for Johnny in one scene, and then run him down to her friends and mother in others, is pretty funny (although everything is played completely straight – which is the charm of this film).

And what exactly does the title mean? What is THE ROOM? I am sure it must refer to the bedroom upstairs in Johnny and Lisa’s apartment, since this is the only room we go to several times, but what, exactly, is the significance of THE ROOM? Why is it the title of this movie? What makes it so special and different from any other room?

Sure it’s badly acted, badly written, and nobody acts or says things like real people act and speak, but that’s what makes THE ROOM such a classic of its kind. This movie really needs to be seen to be believed, and if you’re a fan of “so bad they’re good” flicks, you owe it to yourself to check this one out, if you haven’t seen it yet.

My only real complaint is that Wiseau hasn’t made more films like this since. In 2004, he made a serious documentary about homelessness called Homeless in America (which he directed with Kaya Redford) and has appeared in a few other short films (one called The House That Dripped Blood on Alex is especially hilarious) and the occasional odd TV show (Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! on the Cartoon Channel’s “Adult Swim”), but he hasn’t made any other feature films since 2003. No THE ROOM PART 2 or anything equally enjoyable. Why not? I’m sure I speak for everyone who has gone to a midnight showing of THE ROOM, and most people who have watched the DVD in the privacy of their homes, when I say “Please Tommy, make more movies!” One is definitely not enough!!

We want more of the magic you gave us with THE ROOM!

In a strange bizarro world where tossing around footballs is an important, manly ritual and calling someone a chicken is the greatest insult, where sudden, inappropriate laughing and crying are the norm, I would give this movie four knives.

(A special thank you to Robert, Kathleen and David for introducing me to this one!)

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