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A “Suburban Grindhouse Memories” Classic: GANJA AND HESS (1973)

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2012, 70s Horror, Art Movies, Blaxploitation, Classic Columns, Cult Movies, DVD Review, Experimental Films, Indie Horror, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , on February 23, 2012 by knifefighter

(Editor’s Note: Because of circumstances beyond his control, Nick Cato wasn’t able to get me his latest SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES column this week. So I figured, instead of having a hole in our calendar, I’d just reprint one of his best old columns from 2010. Keep in mind, with the next installment, Nick will have written 47 columns of SGM for us here at Cinemaknifefight.com. This one was Number 4. A true classic that deserves a bigger audience. Mr. Cato will be back with a brand new column next time.)

******

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES No. 4:  Bill Gunn: a True Filmmaking Genius.
By Nick Cato

In the early 1970s, “blaxploitation” cinema was all the rage on the grindhouse circuit (be it urban OR suburban).  When director Bill Gunn was approached to make a film in the vein of BLACULA, he took the money and did something far more serious.  Instead of trying to make an exploitative quickie, Gunn went for the gusto and delivered an artistic deep-thinker that (to this day) has many who see it believing it’s a vampire film.  It isn’t.  In fact, Gunn went all-out as he wrote, directed, and stars in this surreal, nightmare of a film that requires at least three to four viewings before even half of what it has to say will hit you.

Since I was only five years old when GANJA & HESS was originally released, it was a treat to (finally) see this for the first time at a revival theater last month (April, 2010).  This was the first time that I knew–halfway through a screening–that I’d have to see what I was watching again (and as soon as possible) just to keep my train of thought (this turned out to be one of the most challenging films I’ve reviewed yet).  So I purchased a DVD the next day and watched it three more times.

The film follows Dr. Hess Green (played by legendary NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD star, Duane Jones), his new assistant George (Bill Gunn), and his assistant’s wife, Ganja (the lovely Marlene Clark).  Despite what some reviewers have said (I’m assuming they saw one of the several, heavily-edited/re-titled versions), Hess DOES NOT become addicted to blood AFTER being stabbed by his assistant; the very beginning of the film scrolls these titles (over some magnificently eerie music): “Doctor Hess Green … Doctor of Anthropology, Doctor of Geology … While studying the ancient Black civilization of Myrthia … was stabbed by a stranger three times … one for God the Father, one for the Son … and one for the Holy Ghost … stabbed with a dagger, diseased from that ancient culture whereupon he became addicted and could not die … nor could he be killed.”  So, for the record, Hess is already addicted to blood when his suicidal assistant George moves in; Hess is a wealthy anthropologist living in a tremendous mansion (African American stereotypes don’t exist in this film, instantly banishing a “blaxploitation’ label from it).  He even manages to stop George’s first attempt at suicide; George (apparently aggravated at this) eventually attacks Hess with the ceremonial dagger Hess had brought back from Africa.  Hess survives, but George ends up shooting himself in Hess’ bathroom.  When Hess discovers George’s body, we see him fall to his knees and lap his blood (the main scene I’m assuming has caused many to label this a vampire film).

George’s wife Ganja shows up at the Hess mansion to wait for her husband (Hess has him stored in a freezer in the basement).  And this is where GANJA & HESS truly becomes strange.  After discovering her husband in the freezer and assuming Hess killed him, she ends up believing Hess’ testimony of George’s suicide and she helps Hess to bury him.

Ganja & Hess fall in love, get married, and Hess eventually makes her a part of the “Myrthia” tribe, bringing its ‘blood curse’ upon her (one edited version, released in the 80s on VHS as BLOOD COUPLE, gave the film a standard (and false) vampire-film packaging).  Things get even stranger when Hess brings a man home for Ganja to feed on (she ends up having an affair with him first) and Hess begins to doubt his Christian roots when he finally begins to feel guilt after feeding from a young mother–guilt that nearly leads him to a nervous breakdown.

One of several misleading re-titles for Ganja & Hess: BLOOD COUPLE

It should be pointed out here that while everything I’ve just described is happening, the incredibly spooky score by Sam Waymon, along with some dazzling cinematography (I swear Dario Argento was inspired by much of this) helps to give GANJA & HESS a constant aura of surreal darkness that won’t leave your mind anytime soon.  One commentary track I listened to on the “GANJA & HESS: THE COMPLETE EDITION” DVD (Image Entertainment) mentioned that the opening sequence is told from 12 points of view (after re-watching it, I’m betting this is why so many are turned off to the film early on—it’s truly unlike anything you’ve seen before).  And this is just one thing that makes GANJA & HESS such a unique–and challenging–film.

GANJA & HESS is a film about religious identification and one man’s realization that he has strayed from the faith of his upbringing.  After making peace with God at a church service, he attempts to bring Ganja with him.  The film’s final moments feature Hess’ death and Ganja contemplating her own life: to me it’s apparent she likes what Hess has turned her into by smiling when she visualizes the dead man Hess had brought home for her running naked out of their pool.  And being a sequel-less film, we’re left to consider and debate if this is so.

Again, this is NOT a vampire film.  It’s an intense, unusual study of a millionaire who, despite having all there is to have in this world, is haunted by what lies beyond this life.  And yet despite this underlying theme (as well as a church service scene that goes on for WAY too long), I don’t think it was Gunn’s intention to make an evangelical film (and if it was, I’d like to know what church–in 1973– approved of extended shots of full-frontal male and female nudity, pagan blood drinking, and an artistic-look at suicide).

Watch GANJA & HESS.  Then watch it again, even if you don’t like it the first time.  Despite a few slow stretches, the film has plenty to offer to those who take the time to contemplate and dig out its treasures.

I can’t remember the last time a film has caused so much conversation between my friends and me.  GANJA & HESS, despite its all-black cast, is NOT a blaxploitation film.  It is a genuine hybrid of horror and art house filmmaking that stands alone.  It can not (and will not) ever be duplicated.

This is a true gem from Bill Gunn, and a gem I’ll surely be revisiting again and again.

© Copyright 2010 by Nick Cato

(Editor’s Note # 2 – This movie had a LOT of alternate titles during its (several) runs on the grindhouse circuit. They include: BLACK EVIL, BLACK VAMPIRE, BLOOD COUPLE, DOUBLE POSSESSION, VAMPIRES OF HARLEM and BLACKOUT: THE MOMENT OF TERROR. Confusing enough for you?)

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: THE CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Campy Movies, Monsters, Mutants!, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Troma! with tags , , , , , , on February 9, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
Dawn of the Nuclear Slime…
By Nick CatoReleased about six months after the unlikely success of THE TOXIC AVENGER, Troma Films’ second take on radioactive raunchiness, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH (1986), is another New York/New Jersey-lensed exploitation epic that Lloyd Kaufman’s crackpot film company managed to sort-of get right…at least if B-movies are your thing.

While I wanted to see this in Times Square (being it wasn’t in wide-release), a small theater in New Jersey actually featured it for one week only. I conned a couple of my buddies to join me on my quest for Tromaville,  and we headed to the Garden State hoping this would at least be half as good as the first TOXIC AVENGER.

Warren and his cute girlfriend, Chrissy, are among the few clean cut students at Tromaville High, which happens to be located right behind a nuclear power plant. The punk students (who look like rejects from a really bad ROAD WARRIOR rip-off) grow marijuana right outside the plant, and begin selling radiation-laced pot around the school. One early sequence of government officials checking the power plant for toxic leaks had the audience in stitches; some men fell to the ground stone-cold dead as others kept about their jobs, unaware of what was happening to their colleagues. It’s a nice bit of old-fashioned slapstick that worked among the coming gore, slime, and radioactive boobies.

Despite their nerdiness, Warren and Chrissy decide to partake of the toxic weed. As a result, Warren gains incredible strength, and Chrissy becomes incredibly horny…which leads to a wicked spin in the sack with her boyfriend…which leads to a pregnancy. Before long the entire school is having strange side effects, the best being Chrissy’s baby who turns out to be a ten-foot tall radioactive monster who eventually helps to wipe out the toxic punk drug dealers.

If you’ve never seen a Troma film before, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH is a prime example of the style that gave them notoriety during the splatter-film craze of the 1980s. One sequence, where an enraged Warren goes after a punk who has messed with him one time too many, features a silly (yet effective) special effect where he rams his fist down the guy’s throat. The New Joisey crowd ate this scene up, cheers growing louder as Warren’s arm eventually goes down further than his elbow with puke-inducing sound effects.

You don’t go to see something called CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH for artistic value.

While THE TOXIC AVENGER had a better crafted (if familiar) story, CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH is basically pure chaos: the simple premise is set in motion when a nerdy student freaks out during the opening scene, oozes green slime from his ears, then jumps out the second-floor window. The atomic marijuana is then introduced, along with an endless array of whacky characters. The two directors (Lloyd Kaufman and Richard W. Haines)—for some reason it took two directors to create this!—then let everything go ballistic in a brain-dead, toxic high school gore/sci-fi romp that (at the time) was a pure blast for its intended teenage audience. I’ve seen the film a few times over the years on VHS and DVD, and while there are still some laughs to be had, much of it gets tedious and it doesn’t hold up half as well as THE TOXIC AVENGER or Troma’s other fluke of a hit, TROMA’S WAR (1988). But I’m betting younger exploitation fans will still get a real charge out of this high-octane trip to Tromaville.

NUKE ‘EM HIGH’s horrible soundtrack, trademark Troma bad acting, and high school students who look way too old to be high school students has a certain charm that many modern-day made-for-cable/DVD exploitation films just don’t have. So throw your biohazard suit on and check this out for a near-lethal dose of old school Troma-rificness. And remember the tagline: READIN’ WRITIN’ AND RADIATION!

You’ve been warned.

(This film also spawned two sequels: CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH PART 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN (1991) and CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SUBHUMANOID (1994). While part 2 had its moments (especially a gigantic rodent named Tromie the Nuclear Squirrel), you’re not missing anything. Part 3 was one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. You’ve been warned again!).

© Copyright 2012 by  Nick Cato

The lovely Chrissy (Janelle Brady) realizes something is DEFINITELY wrong with her rapidly-growing radioactive baby…in THE CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH!

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THE THEATRE BIZARRE (2011)

Posted in 2012, Anthology Films, Midnight Movies, Nick Cato Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2012 by knifefighter

THE THEATRE BIZARRE (2011)
Midnight Movie Review by Nick Cato

Horror anthology films are usually hit or miss, from the Karloff/Bava classic BLACK SABBATH (1963) to TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972) and THE VAULT OF HORROR (1973), right up to recent titles such as TRICK OR TREAT (2007).  The one that worked on every level and kept tightly to its theme was George A. Romero’s CREEPSHOW (1982), a fan favorite that has stood the test of time.  In this A.D.D. generation, I’m surprised there aren’t a lot more films comprised of several shorts, but regardless of their scarcity, I’m always excited whenever a new one is released.

I attended the latest anthology offering, THE THEATRE BIZARRE (2011), at NYC’s Landmark Sunshine, as it opened to midnight audiences in several cities on January 27th.  With a theatre full of hardcore horror fans (not to mention one of the stars, producers, and directors in attendance), I couldn’t ask for a better way to screen this much-hyped film that spent 2011 touring the film festival circuit.

THE THEATRE BIZARRE begins when a young woman can’t stop staring at an abandoned-looking theatre across the street from her apartment.  She is drawn to it, finds the front door unlocked, and takes a seat among other scattered patrons.  A humanoid automaton (played by cult film legend, Udo Kier) pops out of a box and begins to address the silent crowd, introducing the first (and five following) stories.

A couple vacationing in the French countryside wander into an occult shop in THE MOTHER OF TOADS (directed by Richard Stanley of HARDWARE (1990) fame).  This one has the best atmosphere of the lot, is genuinely creepy, and manages to tell a monster tale in a non-campy manner.  Catriona (THE BEYOND, 1981) MacColl is perfect as a witch who allows our American antagonist to take a peak at a genuine copy of the Necronomicon.  It’s a nice blend of Lovecraftian terror and Argento-like cinematography, and a great opening piece.

Next up is I LOVE YOU, directed by Buddy Giovinazzo, the man responsible for the grim Vietnam veteran classic COMBAT SHOCK (1986).  A paranoid husband discovers that his paranoia was warranted; his wife has become unhappy over the years and has been sleeping with every man she could.  Told in sharp time-shifting edits, the ending can only be described as beautifully disgusting.

WET DREAMS (directed by and featuring Tom Savini as a psychiatrist) tells the tale of an abusive husband who’s erotic and violent dreams cause him to visit a shrink.  He’s taught how to talk himself out of bad dreams, but finds out he’s no match for his battered wife who has had enough (the wife is played by Debbie Rochon, here in one of her finer roles).  I usually don’t go for “dream” type horror stories, but this one’s done in a fresh way and the ending will make you cringe.

Just when I thought every story would be dealing with couples, along comes director Douglas Buck’s THE ACCIDENT, a heady piece about a young girl asking her mother why people have to die while traveling in their minivan.  An older biker passes them, then a younger one.  A few miles up the road, they discover the younger biker has crashed by hitting an elk and died as the older biker looks on from the side of the road.  Seen through the eyes of the young daughter (played by impressive Canadian newcomer Melodie Simard), THE ACCIDENT is a haunting and artistically shot piece that I actually found out of place in this anthology; it’s a bit more serious than the other films and—sandwiched in-between two of the more extreme stories—sort-of slows things down.  It’s one of the better offerings, but I felt it didn’t belong here.

Karim Hussain’s VISION STAINS turned out to be my favorite of the lot.  Kaniehito Horn plays a writer who lives among homeless junkies.  She has discovered a way to obtain these people’s memories, and logs them to preserve their history.  At the moment of death, the nameless writer injects a syringe into the victim’s eyeball, and then injects the vitreous fluid into her own eye, allowing her to see the person’s entire life, which she then frantically writes down.  Her room is loaded with volume upon volume.  Things take a dark turn when she decides to take the fluid from the unborn baby of a crack addict.  What happens changes her life and brings an unusual closure.  The special effects are difficult to watch if this isn’t your thing, but with a story this good it’s hard not to look away.

Closing things out is the strangest of the bunch.  SWEETS (directed by David Gregory), features a couple who share a massive addiction to cake and candy.  Estelle (played with over-the-top glee by Lindsay Goranson) breaks off her fling with Greg (the hysterical Guilford Adams—you’ve seen him on TV).  In a twist on the Hansel and Gretyl theme, the conclusion finds Estelle at a party with like-minded sweets addicts (headed by scream queen legend, Lynn Lowry) who turn out to have a taste for more than candy.  This is a darkly comic horror romp that ends things on a gruesome—but comical—note.

The woman who has viewed all these shorts now falls under the spell of Udo Kier’s transforming host, ending THE THEATRE BIZARRE with a hint of more to come.

While I didn’t find things as graphic as I had heard, the film does feature some disturbing moments, but not many scares.  SWEETS was the only short I’d consider bizarre, and as mentioned, THE ACCIDENT was too much of an art film to be considered horror and was simply out of place here.  The four other tales are solid slices of genre filmmaking, with new and classic actors popping up in the mix.

THE THEATRE BIZARRE is no masterpiece, but a good, well-made collaborative film worth seeing, as it offers something for most horror fans.

© Copyright 2012 by Nick Cato

Nick Cato gives THE THEATRE BIZARRE ~ THREE knives!

Kaniehito Horn plays a writer on a mission in "Vision Stains," one of the finer segments in THE THEATRE BIZARRE

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: DEATHSTALKER (1984)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Bad Acting, Barbarian Movies, Grindhouse, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Sword & Sorcery, VIOLENCE!, Warriors with tags , , , , , on January 26, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES PRESENTS:
DEATHSTALKER: Conan…Without Class!
By Nick Cato

I spent most of the time during the second half of my sophomore year in high school daydreaming about movies.  While horror preoccupied 90% of my mind, other exploitation films took about 8%, and the final 2% was dedicated to all things CONAN.  From the early Marvel comics to the 1982 Ah-Nuld film version, I was always a big fan of the sword & sorcery genre.  And while the success of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) spawned several rip-offs, none were as memorable as the 1984 schlock-fest DEATHSTALKER, which happened to be released as I trudged through the tenth grade.

Picture—if you will—a group of fifteen year-old male teenagers managing to get into an R-rated action film with no problem.  Now picture—if you will—that same group of ecstatic fifteen year-old teenagers giggling with glee as the sword & sorcery epic unreeling before them turned out to feature some of the worst acting, fakest-looking creatures, and massive amounts of jiggling boobs this side of a PORKY’S film.  Even one-time sex symbol Barbi Benton appears as a princess, although she was better off taking another cruise on THE LOVE BOAT than accepting whatever peanuts she was offered for her forgettable role here.

Besides the gratuitous boobs and brutal fight sequences, what truly made DEATHSTALKER such a joy to watch was the title character himself.  Deathstalker was played by stuntman/actor Rick Hill, and is far less noble a warrior than Conan: he’s a conscience-less murderer and rapist, taking any woman who even looks at him as he walks by with his bulging biceps.  And in what tries to pass for a plot, a king asks Deathstalker to try and redeem himself by rescuing his kidnapped princess daughter from a tattoo-headed tyrant.  Like any social misfit, Deathstalker basically tells the king where to go, then proceeds to eat (yes, EAT) half of the king’s poor dog!  At this point, you either buckled your seatbelt and prepared to enjoy the trash that followed, or you left the theater and spared your brain any further damage.

I stayed.

There was mumbling around the theater wondering  just why this king asked a known, savage rapist to rescue his daughter, and why he even cared if the guy redeemed himself.  But such are the mysteries of rip-off, grindhouse cinema.

In one scene that drove the audience wild, a brawl goes down where one burly man (with his gigantic mallet) smashes his opponent into a bloody pancake.  Popcorn flew around the (now defunct) Fox Twin Theatre in appreciation, and at one point I started to hope some of the older guys in attendance didn’t get any ideas after the film, out in the parking lot.

Between more bouncing boobs and heads getting lobbed off, there was talk of Deathstalker also having to find three objects that were allegedly part of the world’s creation (I remember one being a sword, which he finds, but can’t recall what the other two were…and you probably wouldn’t, either).  Deathstalker eventually rescues the princess (who actually looks like an old sea hag) and takes the sword of creation from the clutches of Munkar, the aforementioned tattoo-headed tyrant (and MAN did his head-tattoo look fake!).  Just WHY Deathstalker went ahead and did what the king asked —after saying he wasn’t interested—is anyone’s guess.

The remainder of DEATHSTALKER features our anti-hero joining a tournament where warriors battle other warriors to the death—sort-of like a sword & sorcery tribute to the Bruce Lee classic ENTER THE DRAGON (1973).  Here the blood flows deeper than your standard slasher film, as arms, legs, and heads fly, bodies are impaled; all the while Munkar looks on with a smirk, thinking everyone who stands in his way will eventually kill themselves off, leaving him to rule the world.  MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But as fate would have it, Deathstalker manages to kill the final opponent, a goofy-looking pig-faced warrior beast, and eventually destroys Munkar and the mystical objects of creation.

Unlike CONAN THE BARBARIAN, or better rip-offs such as THE BEASTMASTER (1982), DEATHSTALKER’s sloppy script and countless plot holes will cause even the most jaded fan of grindhouse cinema to shake their head in disbelief.  But, if you’re looking for a real GUY/party flick, full of hot babes, endless bloodshed, and acting so bad you can’t help but yell back at the screen (even if you’re watching it at home), DEATHSTALKER is a prime example of a so-bad-it’s-amazing film.  Most mind-boggling: this cinematic abortion was followed by three sequels, with Rick Hill returning in the title role for the fourth installment.  None were half as good (or bad) as the original.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill) battles a pig-faced beast during the exciting conclusion of DEATHSTALKER (1984)

© Copyright 2012 by Nick Cato

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NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FLICKS REDISCOVERED IN 2011

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2011, Best Of Lists, Campy Movies, Fun Stuff!, Gangsters!, Grindhouse, Killers, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , , on January 12, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES Presents:
NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FILMS REDISCOVERED IN 2011
By Nick Cato

3) ANOTHER SON OF SAM (1977).  If you enjoy inept filmmaking, horrendous 70s fashions, plot-holes galore, and a GENUINE grindhouse experience, pay attention: Harvey, who was sexually abused by his mother as a child, escapes a mental institution and goes on a shooting rampage at a park before taking hostages in a college dorm.  A SWAT team and local cops eventually apprehend him.  As a show of total CLASSLESSNESS, this film was released in 1977, BEFORE there was any other fictional film about the Son of Sam, and (I’m assuming) while Berkowitz was still at large.  If you like trashy, pointless films full of unintentional laughs, ANOTHER SON OF SAM is pure gold.  All others, turn and run away as fast as you can.

2) In my never-ending quest to see every obscure low-budget 70s film, I came across (no pun intended) a 1972 sex comedy titled THE GODDAUGHTER, which—among other things—just might be a precursor to the current crop of adult films that parody popular movies (not to mention “Nunsploitation” films).    While nowhere near as entertaining as last summer’s re-discovered 1981 Mafia flick GONE WITH THE POPE, THE GODDAUGHTER is an interesting piece of grindhouse trash for mob film completists with little-to-no conscience (some brief and ugly hardcore scenes guarantee this one will never be shown on Comedy Central).

1) THE GODFATHER AND THE LADY (1975).  The lunatics at Something Weird Video claim this had never been released, all the more amazing as it stars the legendary Jane Russell (who appears in her FINAL film role before doing a couple of TV shows in the 80s), as well as six (count ‘em, SIX) former boxing champions as hit men, including Rocky Graziano, Jake La Motta, and Willie Pep.  It’s a goofy comedy, featuring an opening brawl with sound effects right out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, atrocious acting, and a scam-the-inheritance plot that makes one wonder what episode of Scooby Doo they tried to rip off.  Lots of cornball fun.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

(All titles are available through Something Weird Video).

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THE DEVIL INSIDE (2012)

Posted in 2012, Cinema Knife Fights, Demonic Possession, Demons, Exorcism Movies, LL Soares Reviews, Nick Cato Reviews, Paranormal, Possessed By Demons with tags , , , , , , on January 9, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE DEVIL INSIDE
By L.L. Soares and Nick Cato

(THE SCENE: After a delayed flight, L.L. SOARES and NICK CATO arrive in Rome, Italy, where they grab a taxi to the Centrino Mental Hospital, where much of this week’s film was shot.  They’re both slightly jet-lagged when they enter the lobby of the large, isolated facility).

LS: I don’t get it…you’re afraid of flying but you drag me all the way to Italy to review a movie? What the hell, man.

NC: I figured if we’re THIS CLOSE to where they filmed that great exorcism sequence, we’d be re-inspired to give this one a solid review.

LS: (Rolling his eyes).  Well, at least you paid for the plane tickets, and don’t forget you promised to treat me to some REAL Italian food while we’re here. And some good wine, too.

NC: My cousin Antonio is expecting us in two hours…everything has been taken care of, buddy!

(A security guard asks them who they’re here to see.  When Nick reveals they just want to use the lobby to write a film review, the burly guard chases them out.  Amazingly, our American horror freaks manage to sneak into the back yard of the facility, where they squat behind a row of hedges, listening to some of the patients babble and sing strange songs).

NC: We’d better get started before that goon realizes we made it back in.

LS: Good idea. You begin this one.

NC: This week we have the latest entry into the “found footage/mock documentary” horror subgenre titled THE DEVIL INSIDE, which is basically an EXORCIST (1973) version of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999).   I’m a sucker for exorcism films, and have seen almost every EXORCIST rip-off that’s come down the pike since the early 70s.  While most are unwatchably bad, 2010’s THE LAST EXORCISM was a rare treat (and told things from a Protestant viewpoint, for a change), and for the most part, I’ve been enjoying this recent spout of exorcism films.

LS: Well, THE EXORCIST remains the gold standard for this kind of thing. I haven’t been too impressed with most exorcism movies since. I did like THE LAST EXORCISM, though. But, as for this “recent spout,” I can’t say every movie is worth seeing. I still think THE RITE (2011) was pretty lame.

I must admit, though, that I’m really digging the whole “found footage” style of filmmaking. I know it’s starting to become a cliché just as much as any other subgenre, but so far, I’m enjoying most of these movies, which is funny, because I didn’t care for BLAIR WITCH all that much – but I can’t deny how friggin influential that film was.

NC: So, as THE DEVIL INSIDE begins, Isabella Rossi is making a documentary about her mother, Maria, who in 1989 murdered three members of the clergy who tried to perform an exorcism on her.  Since then, she’s been shifted to a couple of mental hospitals.  When a jury found her innocent by reason of insanity in 1991, she was transferred overseas to Italy to the Centrino Mental Hospital, on whose grounds we now stand.  Spooky, huh?

LS: Not really. But go on.

(A guy dressed up in a WINNIE THE POOH costume comes over to them)

WINNIE: Hey fellas, what are you doing in the bushes?

LS: We’re reviewing a movie. Now go away kid, you bother me.

WINNIE: No you’re not! You’re looking for honey! I know it! I know it! Well, you better share it with me if you find some.

NC: Seriously, we’re not looking for honey. We’re reviewing a movie.

LS: Yeah, get lost you simpleton!

WINNIE: You guys sure are mean! I hate you both! (he runs away, crying)

NC: Now look what you did. He’s probably going to go tell one of the guards.

LS: Then you better go on with the review, right?

NC: Along with her cameraman, Isabella gets to visit her mother for the first time in over ten years.  The head doctor of the hospital shows Isabella footage of her mother’s violent rages (all captured on security camera from her room)…

LS: I have to admit, I laughed out loud during this scene. Possessed people are pretty funny.

NC: …and yet, for some reason still allows Isabella and her cameraman to enter the room, warning them not to mention anything about God or religion.  If THE DEVIL INSIDE has one major problem, it’s the too “easy access;” there are a few sequences where the audience is asked to accept a bit too much, but for now we’ll let that slide.

Suzan Crowley is simply fantastic as the possessed mother, Maria, and in this first meeting creates a real tension-filled scene.

Isabella goes to an exorcism class at a Vatican-run school, and is impressed at the variety of people in attendance.  She is befriended by two rogue Catholic priests, who eventually reveal they perform exorcisms without the church’s permission, in an attempt to help people; apparently THEY can tell when certain people are genuinely possessed regardless of what the church says.  Part of what made THE DEVIL INSIDE work for me are these two priests, Ben and David.  They’re both flawed, yet seem to want to do the right thing.  Ben’s more aggravated with the church than David is, but they both compliment one another’s work, Ben taking a strictly religious angle, while David (who is also a licensed physician) also uses scientific methods during their exorcisms.

LS: Yeah, I liked Ben and David, too. In fact, I thought all the cast were really good here. The trick in these kinds of movies is to seem as natural as possible. This is supposed to be documentary footage (even if it really isn’t). And everyone does a fine job convincing us of their sincerity. I also like Isabella and her mother a lot, too.

NC: My favorite sequence is when Fathers Ben and David take Isabella (and her cameraman) to witness a real exorcism.  Possessed girl Rosa (played with grueling detail by real life contortionist Bonnie Morgan) delivers an insane performance as our two priests attempt to deliver her from a demon.  As far as possession films go, this scene is worth the price of admission.

LS: Yeah, that was a good scene. I didn’t know she was a contortionist, but that makes the scene all the more impressive. Nice that it wasn’t all special effects for once.

(A short guy in a uniform comes over to them. He has one hand inside his coat and thinks he’s NAPOLEON)

NAPOLEON: What are you doing zere in ze bushes?

LS: Not another nut. Can’t we review a movie in peace?

NAPOLEON: How dare you, sir. Napoleon Bonaparte is not, how you say, a “nut.” And I know what you are doing. You are spies lurking in ze bushes, spying on Napoleon, trying to discover ze plans I have to take over Europe. I dare you to deny it!

LS: I deny it.

NC: Me, too.

NAPOLEON: Liars! You will get ze guillotine for this! I will go find ze guards.

LS: We better wrap this up.

NC: When our priests manage to convince the head of the Centrino Mental Hospital to let them have a couple of hours alone with Isabella and her mother, he reluctantly agrees and we’re set for yet another intense exorcism scene, this time even more violent and revealing.  BUT, this was one of the film’s hard-to-accept moments—the one rule the doctor imposes on Isabella is that Maria is not supposed to be reminded of God or religion—but two priests are allowed to spend time alone with her?

LS: And it’s not like they’re there just to visit her. They perform an exorcism. Even if Maria is really mentally ill, isn’t this going to make her incredibly hostile?

NC: If not for another great (attempted) exorcism scene here, this would have been unforgiveable (pun intended).  And I’m betting most horror fans just won’t go for this idea.

LS: I don’t know. I didn’t think it was logical either, but the scene is so good, I got sucked into it anyway.

NC: (POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT) Another scene that jades an otherwise intelligent possession film is when Father David almost commits murder during a baptism.  There is simply NO WAY he would ever have been able to leave the church, be it by the police or his fellow clergy holding him back.

LS: Not to mention angry family members.

NC: But he manages to return to his apartment as if nothing happened, and when Father Ben asks him why he did what he did, Isabella answers on his behalf with the goofiest piece of dialogue I’ve heard in years.  “Well, he’s been under a lot of stress lately.”  I will admit at this point that if this wasn’t about exorcism, I most likely would have been completely turned off to the rest of the film.  I don’t know how many others will be as forgiving (another pun!).

LS: Yeah, that was a pretty dumb thing for her to say. And enough with the puns!

(Another patient walks over to the hedges.  It’s a tall man wearing only a white bathrobe with sandals and black socks.  He says “Whooooo’s there?” like an owl then begins to jump up and down, singing the Tom Jones song, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL.)

NC: Looks like we’ve been spotted again.

LS: Damn, I hate these bushes. When you said we were going to Rome, I imagined seeing the Colliseum, not hiding in bushes.

NC: Well, despite all its flaws, I have to admit I was impressed with much of the early dialogue given in THE DEVIL INSIDE about exorcism, and I’m assuming this is part of what might turn off horror film fans who aren’t big on possession films; if this isn’t your thing, you’re not going to be interested, and hence will be less forgiving when the flaws come.

That said, THE DEVIL INSIDE has a fun time with its security footage, police file footage, and at-the-moment video footage, and does so in quite an entertaining manner.   Isabella (played by the very attractive Fernanda Andrade) delivers a fine performance, and while I’ve read some negative things about the priests, I thought they both did a fine job.

LS: I avoided any reviews of this, as I usually do, before I saw it. It helped that this one wasn’t screened for critics before it was released, so there weren’t a lot of reviews before the weekend.

NC: I never read reviews before seeing a film, either, but after the screening I attended I noticed the Internet was PACKED with negative reviews.

I must admit that I LOVED the ending.  I’ve heard most test audiences booed it, but to me, a horror film’s ending should be bleak and shocking.  The audience I saw this with was speechless.

****(Another SPOILER ALERT. However, it is impossible to discuss the main problem with this particular movie – and why audience members have been so angry – without discussing the ending)****

LS: I think you’re talking about the last scene, which I thought was fine. It is supposed to be “found footage,” after all. But the actual ending itself —if you really love how the movie ends—then we’re in complete disagreement. When I saw the movie, people were very pissed off with the ending, and I completely understood where they were coming from. I don’t usually discuss the ending of a film when reviewing it, but in this case, I’ll make an exception, mainly because THERE IS NO ENDING.

The movie has been doing a good job sucking you in. It was much better than I expected—especially since January is a notorious time to release the real stinkers that studios have in the vaults. This one was an exception to that rule. The audience was really getting into it and invested themselves in the story. And then the movie ends very abruptly at a key scene, and the URL for a website comes onscreen. We’re told this “found footage” was currently under investigation and to go to the website for more news. This ending elicits two reactions simultaneously:

On the one hand, if you’ve been enjoying the movie up to this point, the abrupt non-ending is going to leave you wanting more. This is presumably a good thing, especially if the filmmakers want to turn this movie into a franchise, like the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY films.

On the other hand, this kind of ending is pretty cynical. First off, it has “sequel” written all over it. It wants you to pay more money to see more in the next movie. The URL pretty much is a stand-in here for the words “TO BE CONTINUED,” and after sitting through this movie and giving it your time, this kind of ending seems like a complete slap in the face. At least give us an ending that satisfies us! That makes us feel like this whole journey hasn’t been a complete waste of time and a grab for our wallets!

When I saw the movie, the theater was packed. So obviously, people are going out to see this one. At the end, everyone was angry and cursing at the screen and felt cheated. Not exactly the best way to generate word of mouth buzz about a movie. In fact, even though I liked the movie, I found the ending insulting and it kind of ruined it for me.

NC: Well, to me the ENDING was the final IMAGE on the screen.  However, I’m a bit mixed on what happens AFTER the ending. That website is given (therossifiles.com) for viewers to go to to learn more about the continuing Rossi case.  One of the biggest questions in the film (which asks what happened between Father Ben and his late uncle, who was his exorcist mentor) is answered on the website in a video confession.  I believe this confession could have been intercut with the film’s last scenes, and would have left more viewers satisfied.  Personally, I would have been happy if this was NEVER explained, as it gives the film a sense of mystery that added to the tension.

LS: Personally, I didn’t think that was one of the biggest questions of the film—and I don’t care if that was explained or not either. But I’ll tell you, for some reason I have no desire to go to the website— I paid my money. Everything important should have been on the damn screen! I shouldn’t have to go searching for answers that should have been provided in the film itself.

NC: THE DEVIL INSIDE—with its post-Internet participation—becomes a gimmick film that wasn’t advertised as one.  Pretty cool IMO, although, again, I can see viewers not getting into it.

LS: Cool? The gimmick actually lowered the rating on this one, for me. I thought the ending sucked enough to ruin an otherwise solid exorcism film.

NC: As someone who has seen about twenty EXORCIST-rip offs and a dozen more possession films, I give THE DEVIL INSIDE~two and a half knives.  The screenwriters should have thought a bit more about the couple of easily-avoidable flaws in their script.  It’s easy to understand why many people will not be happy with this film.  But if you can let these issues slide, there’s plenty of spooky fun to be had.

LS: I had a hard time rating this one. On the one hand, I was going to give it three knives, up until the ending. I guess I liked it even more than you did. But after the rip-off at the end, I was angry enough to give it just two knives. If I’m fair and split the difference, I guess I end up giving it two and a half knives, as well. But seriously, screw the gimmick of making us go to a website to find out more. Show it on the damn screen.  I bet this gimmick angered enough people to generate some negative buzz—not good for future box office, or possible sequels. People just don’t like feeling cheated, especially these days when ticket prices are so damn high. But I enjoyed this movie a lot until that point. So my advice to our readers is this—wait and rent it. You won’t be as pissed off spending $5 to rent it on DVD or streaming video when the dumbass non-ending occurs, than you would if you and your date had spent $20 to go see it in a theater.

NC: (Answers his cell phone) “Yes Antonio…we’re just about done here.  We’ll be over in a few minutes.”  L.L….get ready for some old school, home-made pasta…hopefully without a pea soup appetizer!

(NAPOLEON comes running back, escorted by two hospital guards dressed in white)

NAPOLEON: Zere are ze spies I told you about. They want to know what Napoleon has planned next. Well, you will never know, you evil spies!

GUARD 1: Hey, what are you guys doing in the bushes?

GUARD 2: Yeah! Aren’t you guys I just tossed out of the lobby?

(LS and NC jump out of the bushes and run away, being pursued by the guards, Napoleon and the guy dressed as Winnie The Pooh, while fast “Benny Hill” exit music plays)

LS: See you next time on Cinema Knife Fight!

-END-

© Copyright 2011 by L.L. Soares and Nick Cato

L.L. Soares gives THE DEVIL INSIDE ~ two and a half knives!

Nick Cato gives THE DEVIL INSIDE~ two and a half knives

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: TERRORVISION (1986)

Posted in 2011, Aliens, B-Movies, Monsters, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, VHS Only Movies with tags , , , , , , , on December 29, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
“Lizard Tail Jerky!”
By Nick Cato

By the middle of my senior year of high school, I was 100% addicted to gore films and spent much time trading bootleg VHS tapes (via snail mail) through my old fanzine, STINK.  The sicker the title one acquired on the underground market, the better chance you had of trading it for something crazier.  Yet despite being controlled by the sleazier side of Sinema for close to ten years, a silly little science fiction farce was about to remind me that light-hearted fare could still be as entertaining as any Euro gut-munching cannibal caper or women-in-prison epic.  Or necrophiliac outing…

A couple of my friends were DJs at a local college radio station.  I’d often do movie reviews on their shows, and spent most of my time in the studio going through the new albums.  One that caught my eye was a soundtrack for a film titled TERRORVISION, a film that wasn’t to be released until February 1986 (this was about three months prior).  The main track, titled Terrorvision, performed by The Fibonaccis (whoever they were), is an addictive DEVO meets B-52s new wave jam that holds up great to repeated listens.  So, with the main track imbedded in my mind, TERRORVISION finally came to my town on a freezing cold winter day in February, 1986, to a nearly sold-out opening night.  Of ALL the films I’ve reviewed for this column, the theatre where this unspooled refuses to come to memory, but chances are it was the Lane Theatre, one of Staten Island’s last single-screen cinemas.

Produced by Charles Band’s Empire Pictures, TERRORVISION is chock full of cheesy acting, lame special effects, and a story that’s barely there…yet for some reason, the humor works.  A suburban couple (played by PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE’s Gerrit Graham and cult icon Mary Woronov) discovers that a strange creature keeps popping up on their television.  Figuring it must be some kind of interference (after all, they just had a huge satellite dish installed on their roof) they think little of it until the creature eventually POPS OFF the set and literally comes into their home.  Of course, the creature enters the home when the swinger parents are out, and the kids fail to train their strange new pet.  It then tries to eat each member of the family (which includes a nerdy kid who hangs out all day long with his crackpot survivalist grandfather and a teenage heavy metal sister with her rock-star wannabe boyfriend) as well as any friends or whoever just may happen to be stopping over for a visit.  The alien is able to “reproduce” the heads of those he’s eaten and mimic their voices in order to hide from police and an intergalactic alien cop (yeah, this one gets goofier by the minute).

It turns out the planet this creature came from has discovered a way to turn their trash into antimatter and dispose of it by shooting it into space.  This particular alien is an eating machine, forcing its home planet to get rid of him TRASH style!  Guess this family had REALLY bad luck having their satellite installed just as this batch of space junk was passing earth!

While much of the humor is just plain silly, I found (even upon a recent viewing) most of it still holds up, especially the aforementioned grandfather who lives on “lizard tail jerky.”  He keeps a pet lizard on him at all times, and yanks its tail off when he needs a snack.  He assures his grandson the tails keep growing back as the two of them hunt the creature who has invaded their home.  Although rated R, the only thing that MIGHT have given it this rating is the sleazy erotic artwork hanging around the house (remember, the parents are swingers!), much of it quite funny looking.

The highlight of the film (for me, anyway) is a late night horror film TV-hostess named Medusa (complete with a head full of snakes) who makes non-stop sexual puns, some pretty graphic for an otherwise exploitation-less film.  Just WHY she’s in the film is anyone’s guess, but she provides some fine eye candy nonetheless.

What surprised me (and the audience) most is the ending (SPOILER ALERT!):  Our grotesque alien (who dribbles non-stop BUCKETS of goo and slime) eventually eats the entire family and takes off for world domination in a taxi cab!  Who would’ve thought such a tame sci-fi comedy would end on such a dark (although in its context, funny) note?

Although a DVD has yet to be released, you can find VHS copies on eBay and Amazon.  With lots of laughs and a nifty soundtrack, this might not be as funny as SPACEBALLS (1987) or as exploitative as GALACTIC GIGOLO (also 1987), but being it was released before both, it deserves a little respect and hopefully one day a proper DVD release.  It’s good, slimy, goofy fun.

(This was also one of the earliest films I can remember coming to home video less than a month after its theatrical release).

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

TERRORVISION’s alien creature looks like poop-monster Chet in WEIRD SCIENCE (1985), although he probably didn’t smell as bad…

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS (1982)

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, Action Movies, Cannibals, Grindhouse, Italian Horror, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , on December 15, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS (1982)
Support Your Local Veterans!
By Nick Cato

Besides an overabundance of slasher films, the early 80s was also a hotbed of DAWN OF THE DEAD and ZOMBIE rip-offs, and if you lived in the right places, these (mainly) euro-schlock offerings seemed to be released every week.

Although zombie-mania is mainstream today, in 1982 it was still cool to be a zombie geek.  And upon seeing the above ad in my local newspaper for something called CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS, my geekdom hit an all-time high.  Here was a film I hadn’t read a thing about in any horror magazine or fanzine, and it starred John Saxon, an actor I had been a fan of since his stint as a robot opposite Lee Majors on the TV show THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN (1974-76 episodes).

Thankfully one of my buddies’ older brothers smuggled us into the Fox Twin Theatre, another defunct twin here on Staten Island that’s now the site of a multiplex.  For a Saturday afternoon, CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS was packed…but by the halfway point the theater had all but emptied.  The fools should have stuck out the slow middle…

I should point out—before I go any further—that I eventually discovered this film was a HEAVILY edited version of a 1980 Italian production released in Europe as CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE, and eventually released on VHS in America, still edited, as INVASION OF THE FLESH HUNTERS (got all that?).  As far as I know, this is the first Italian cannibal film to be shot almost entirely in Atlanta.  I forced myself to watch (okay—SCAN) through Image Entertainment’s uncut DVD version (under the title CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE) back around 2002, and am happy to report that the “uncut” version didn’t enhance or change my opinion of the film.  In fact, anyone seeking a gory cannibal/zombie outing can do themselves a favor and look elsewhere.

BUT: the film still has its moments.

Saxon locates a couple of P.O.W.’s in Vietnam.  To survive, the men resorted to cannibalism, and as Saxon tries to help one soldier out of a prisoner pit, he has a nice chunk taken out of his arm!  The theater DID go nuts over this opening sequence, which quickly ended and brought us back to modern-day Atlanta.  Giovanni Lombardo Radice (who would soon get a power drill through his head in Fulci’s THE GATES OF HELL (1983) ) plays one of Saxon’s ‘Nam buddies—and for some reason they’re both living in Atlanta.  When Saxon refuses to go out with him for a drink (apparently he’s still haunted by being bitten in ‘Nam), Radice heads to a local movie theater where instead of focusing on the feature, he watches some pervert lick his girlfriend’s body.  Radice has a flashback and decides to bite the poor girl’s neck, which causes the place to panic.  He’s chased by a bunch of crazed theater patrons, and a sorry-looking biker gang, into a thrift shop, where he’s eventually apprehended and sent to the hospital for observation.  DURING this fiasco, John Saxon is at home with a babysitter, who keeps giving him flashbacks every time she flirts by showing a little leg.  Knowing his wife is being unfaithful, Saxon gives in and goes down on her without literally eating anything, temporarily sating his cannibalistic urges with some playful nibbling.

At this point in the film, it became clear CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS wasn’t a zombie film, and while it moves well up to this point, the mid-section becomes quite tedious.  Patron after patron began to leave the theater, but my friends and I were confident something titled CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS simply HAD to have a pay off.

It does and it doesn’t.

The action slowly picks back up when Radice and the other rescued P.O.W. escape from a hospital along with a nurse they’ve bitten.  They run into the aforementioned biker gang right outside the hospital and a mini-brawl breaks out.  The trio goes on to infect unlucky citizens with their cannibal virus, and eventually meet up with their former captain, John Saxon.

The rest of the film turns into a violent action flick, complete with a nifty chase sequence through Atlanta’s sewers and a flamethrower battle at the finale.  The gore scenes cut out of this theatrical release (provided by ZOMBIE (1979) and THE BEYOND (1981)-alumni Gianetto De Rossi), which I finally saw on the DVD, include a gruesome close-up of Radice’s stomach after he gets a hole blown in it, a doctor having his tongue bitten off, and some sloppy mechanic having his leg sliced up like cold cuts at a deli.

I have no idea if director Antonio Margheriti was trying to make some kind of non-subtle point regarding the returning Vietnam vet as being the “real” monster, or if he just set out to make some cash by combining APOCALYPSE NOW and DAWN OF THE DEAD (both 1979).  What I came away with was a satisfying exploitation experience, despite the (then) lack of gore, which was made up for with uncomfortable sex scenes, plenty of action (despite the slow middle), and some of the worst left-over disco music ever to appear in a cannibal film (and THAT’S saying something).  I’ve read that John Saxon has publicly denounced the film, and co-star Radice has said Saxon seemed “out there” while the film was being shot.  Either way, CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS is must viewing for Saxon completists and lovers of so-bad-they’re-good grindhouse classics.  All others, stick to RAMBO…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

John Saxon discovers P.O.W.s just before getting bit in CANNIBALS IN THE STREETS!

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: THE BEACH GIRLS (1982)

Posted in 2011, Comedies, Drive-in Movies, Exploitation Films, Just Plain Fun, Nick Cato Reviews, R-Rated Comedy, Sexy Stars with tags , , , , , on December 1, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
Before Fast Times, Life was a BEACH!
By Nick Cato

The spring of 1982 was a fantastic time. I was closing in on the end of my junior high days and looking forward to my last summer before high school. Horror films were being released nearly every weekend, as were some decent comedies. But few comedies were as fun (or as memorable) as this silly little T&A flick that (thankfully) made its way to the Amboy Twin Cinema, Staten Island’s most notorious theater for letting us underage pests in with little to no hassle.

Nearly six months before film fans would become captivated with Jeff Spicoli’s antics in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, 1982’s THE BEACH GIRLS hit New York theaters and became something of an underground hit. I remember Roger Ebert giving it a positive review, claiming he’d rather watch it ten more times than have to re-watch whatever film he and Gene Siskel had trashed that week on their old TV show, SNEAK PREVIEWS. I went to see it two days in a row, but then again I was an eighth-grader who fell in love with the film’s star, Debra Blee—who—to my geeky pleasure—went on to appear in such classics as SAVAGE STREETS (1984) and HAMBURGER: THE MOTION PICTURE (1986) and a few others, before starring in her last film, 1987’s BEACH FEVER (Hey, at least she wasn’t afraid of being typecast!).

As far as party films go, THE BEACH GIRLS’s simple premise is quite funny: Sarah (Debra Blee) and her two friends are spending the summer at her uncle’s beach-front house. Her friends (the equally beautiful Val Kline and former real-life PLAYBOY playmate Jeana Tomasina) convince Sarah to throw a massive party. As they begin to get things underway, a drug-smuggling ship discovers they’re about to be intercepted by the coast guard, so they toss about a dozen tall black garbage bags filled with marijuana into the sea. Guess where they wash ashore?

While Sarah spends most of the early stages of THE BEACH GIRLS worrying and trying to get her friends to stop the party, the other girls make phone calls and begin inviting everyone they can think of to come over. The funniest call is made to a pizzeria, where one of the girls asks “Is your delivery boy cute?” Shady character after shady character begin to show up, each one handed a huge bag of weed at the front door as they enter the swanky house. I’d argue there’s more grass smoked in this film than in Cheech and Chong’s UP IN SMOKE (1978), or any other C&C film for that matter. There’s also some horrible music, goofy-dancing (I always wondered where these parties were, where all the girls danced around in bikinis) and a couple of really funny skits, including the coast guard eventually raiding the party and burning the rest of the pot on the front lawn, in turn getting everyone at the party (and themselves) even higher than they were! Of course, Sarah’s Uncle Carl comes home early from a trip and tries to shut the party down…but Sarah’s two friends use their boobs and a huge joint to make him change his mind.

THE BEACH GIRLS was one of those care-free party films released before the fear of AIDS began to tone things down. The California partiers on display here smoke weed, have orgies, and basically do whatever they want with reckless abandon, giving this young mind (and I’m sure many others) a false view of our coming teenage years. Then again, I grew up in New York, so who knows what I missed on the west coast?

While both audiences I saw this with laughed throughout most of it and had a good time, I wonder how today’s politically-correct theater-goers would handle the racial humor (there’s a goofy Mexican gardener who has a fight with a Chinese, kung-fu limo driver named Chang), blatant sexism, and mindless party-till-you-die attitude. As a curve ball, there’s even a couple of wacky scenes where the bags of grass talk to the partiers about to smoke them (one bag convinces a guy it’s really parsley!). I’m starting to believe all who made this flick did so under the influence of multiple controlled substances.

Unlike most modern teenage sex comedies, THE BEACH GIRLS doesn’t feature a bunch of nerds trying to lose their virginity or who are afraid to let it rip: EVERYONE who comes to this shindig drinks, smokes, and shags like the world is about to end (even a couple of dorks), all the while making fun of everyone and everything around them. The mood is basically anarchy incarnate.

And when it comes to cheesy teen comedies, what more could one want? How about one of the best lines in the film: when the pizza guy finally arrives, the girl who answers the door says, “Is that a pepperoni in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” When the guy says “Pepperoni,” and pulls a long one out of his pants, you either get this sophomoric classic or you run in the other direction.

Ah…the 80s…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

Jeana Tomasina, Debra Blee, and Val Kline make up the nucleus of THE BEACH GIRLS, in this publicity shot that sadly doesn’t appear in the film

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: WAR OF THE WIZARDS (1978)

Posted in 2011, Asian Horror, B-Movies, Fantasy Films, Kung Fu!, Magic, Martial Arts, Mythological Creatures, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , on November 17, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES:
Trying to Make Cash off of Clash
By Nick Cato

1981: While RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK was on its way to becoming a classic, those of us who knelt at the altar of stop-motion animation were thrilled when CLASH OF THE TITANS hit U.S. screens to showcase the talents of the great Ray Harryhausen.  Packed with countless monsters (and a mechanical owl!), this fun re-telling of the Greek myths brought the fun of classic creature-features back to the screen, along with a sword and sorcery theme.  I couldn’t get enough of how cool Medusa looked (let alone when she looses her head to Perseus’s sword, which featured a nice batch of red sauce seldom seen in a PG-rated movie) and I went back to see it three times.

And then one Friday afternoon in 1982 or ‘83, I spotted the ad (pictured above) in my local newspaper.  COOL!  Maybe this monster/sorcery thing was slowly catching on, and I’d be able to get my fix more often in a theater and not just between the pages of Marvel’s CONAN comics.

WRONG!

An older friend of mine managed to con his old man to drive us into New Jersey (GASP!) to see this, as it played everywhere in the tri-state area except for Staten Island.  I think it was twenty minutes into the film when I realized my buddy wouldn’t be letting me pick the movies anymore, and I was worried they’d leave me in the Garden State.

WAR OF THE WIZARDS turned out to be anything BUT a CLASH OF THE TITANS rip-off.  And it wasn’t until I recently attempted to find this film on the Internet (where it’s not even listed on imdb.com) that I discovered it’s actually a circa 1978 Hong Kong/Taiwanese film originally titled THE PHOENIX.  I KNEW something had to be up upon my initial (and only) viewing, when more screen time was dedicated to hokey martial arts action than monsters and sorcery.  But like a true trooper, I convinced my buddy and his dad to stay, and to this day haven’t heard the end of it.

The story (from what I could remember through the horrendous overdubbing) dealt with a fisherman who finds a bowl with magical powers at the bottom of a lake.  He becomes wealthy and begins to live the good life—until a couple of wizards and martial-artists discover he has this legendary artifact.  Two women manage to defeat all those attempting to get this magic bowl, and they both decide to marry the fisherman.  Like a true idiot, he begins to show off his wives (and his wealth) in public, causing more attacks on his life (including some really, really, REALLY bad-looking laser-beam effects from a magical religious cult).

The highlight of the film was the religious zealots attacking the wedding of our fisherman and his brides, when a cheesy-looking phoenix rescues the fisherman and takes him to a high mountain, where he’s trained to battle the animal spirits who control his wives, an extremely-sad-looking rock monster, and best of all, a hit-man of sorts played by non other than Richard Kiel (yes—THAT Richard Kiel, a.k.a. the metal-mouthed assassin “JAWS” from the James Bond films).  I’m assuming film producers in Hong Kong were so taken aback by Kiel’s performance in THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977) they just couldn’t wait to get him into one of their mythical kung-fu flicks (makes sense to me).  In keeping with his metal-persona, Kiel attacks our hero with a pair of steel gloves (so at least he didn’t have to bite through thick cable wire or Roger Moore’s neck this time around) but proves to be little match for the scrawny fisherman.

With horrendous special effects all around (especially when the fisherman rides to the aforementioned mountaintop on the neck of the phoenix, which looked more like a gigantic peacock), unconvincing fight sequences, and a storyline that makes even less sense than what I just attempted to explain, WAR OF THE WIZARDS is a horrible film in WHATEVER title one may see it under.

I managed to find ONE review of this film on the entire World Wide Web, making it the most obscure title I’ve covered for this column so far.  I have no idea if a VHS or DVD was released (I’m assuming it has in Hong Kong, most likely under a third or fourth title), but suffice it to say my solo theatrical viewing was more than enough.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

RICHARD KIEL (fresh off his first stint as 007 villain ‘Jaws’) now goes after a newly-rich fisherman in this hokey martial-arts mess.

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