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Transmissions to Earth: THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2013, 70s Horror, B-Movies, Bad Situations, Disease!, Horror, LL Soares Reviews, Low Budget Movies, Monsters, Mutants!, Science Fiction, Trasmissions to Earth, Unfortunate Astronauts with tags 70s Monster Movies, Alex Rebar, Low-Budget Movies, Melting Man, Rainbeaux Smith, Rick Baker, So Bad They're Good Movies, William Sachs on June 13, 2013 by knifefighter

TRANSMISSIONS TO EARTH Presents:

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977)
Review by L.L. Soares

In this business I come upon a lot of bad movies. But what makes them “so bad they’re good” or just plain bad? Sometimes it’s pretty easy to answer that.

But I’m still not sure which one THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) is.

Sure it has some funny aspects about it. But it’s also pretty much a waste of time, and has a storyline so thin, it could slip between your fingers.

It’s actually amazing that this one was made in 1977. It has the look and feel of a bad 1950s sci-fi film.

As we begin, three astronauts are passing through the rings of Saturn! Pretty cool. This must be in the far future, right? Well, not really, when we get back to Earth, it still looks an awful lot like 1977. Who knew we’d perfect faster-than- light interplanetary space travel so quickly?

As they pass through the rings, something goes wrong. This is when we see stock footage of sunspots close up, in negative. It’s supposed to be the astronauts “seeing the sun through the rings of Saturn,” and they’ll use it a few more times in the movie. Two of the astronauts die soon after. The third one, Steve West (Alex Rebar) survives, but is horribly disfigured.

We have no clue how he gets back to Earth, but he does, and it’s kept under wraps (how do you keep the return of an astronaut secret, anyway?). Astronaut West is also “under wraps” literally as he’s wrapped up in bandages. When we see him after his return home, he’s bandaged and strapped to a bed in an undisclosed hospital. All of a sudden he just gets up, breaks the straps, and runs away, chasing an overweight nurse through the hallways.

Suddenly, Steve West is on the loose. But he’s not the same guy anymore. Now he’s the INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN, whose skin is constantly oozing off his body. His face looks like a skull covered with dripping wax. Oh, and he’s radioactive! So you don’t want him to touch you. He goes around killing people, and we’re told he needs new cells to survive, but it’s not clear how he gets those cells. Is he eating people or what? One guy has his head torn off and thrown into a waterfall, another person is ripped apart – if Steve is eating people for their cells, then he sure does love to play with his food!. We never actually know what’s he’s doing to his victims, but they end up a bloody mess.

Meanwhile, everywhere he goes, he leaves dripping oozy flesh in his wake. You would think someone like this would be easy to track down, but no way! Doctor Ted Nelson (Burr DeBenning) is ordered to go find Steve and bring him back to the army hospital by General Michael Perry (Myron Healey), but Nelson spends most of the time goofing off. At one point he’s home making a sandwich for his wife. Pretty awful tracking job, Dr. Nelson! He tells his associate Dr. Loring (Lisle Wilson) that his wife has had three miscarriages about this same stage in her pregnancy and she’s nervous something will go wrong again. This is about the time Nelson realizes that Steve West, who he is supposed to recapture for the government, is radioactive, and he’s worried that this might affect his wife (one of the few real dramatic aspects of the script, although it’s soon forgotten). Maybe that’s why he doesn’t seem to try very hard to find West.

When Dr. Nelson has no luck finding West, General Perry comes to town, demanding results. Meanwhile, the monster who used to be Steve West continues on his rampage until there’s a big showdown in some kind of power plant.

There’s not much of a plot, as you can tell. It basically amounts to 1) man comes back from space as some kind of monster, 2) government guys try to track him down when he goes on a killing spree, and 3) big showdown where the monster is killed. Pretty-by-the numbers, and not very compelling.

The acting is so-so for the most part, but no one stands out here as a Shakespearean actor! Burr DeBenning (also in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: DREAM CHILD, 1989, and lots of TV shows like MATLOCK and FALCOLN CREST), as Dr. Ted Nelson, seems to love standing around, wasting time, and I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be funny, but he is. He comes off as completely incompetent. Myron Healey is convincing as General Perry, in a “TV general” kind of way. Healey had a long career as a cowboy or a military man in the movies and on TV, and was actually in tons of westerns in the 1950s and 60s, as well as such other horror/sci-fi classics as VARAN THE UNBELIEVABLE (1962) and THE UNEARTHLY (1957) , and the TV-movie V (1983), and was also Colonel Wright in one of the best episodes of KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER, “Mr. R.I.N.G.” (from 1975). Local Sheriff Neil Blake (Michael Alldredge, who was also in THE ENTITY, 1982, and V, 1983) is okay as the frustrated cop who wants answers – that the government just isn’t giving him. Ann Sweeny is likable enough as Ted Nelson’s wife, Judy, and Alex Rebar is serviceable as Steve West/the Melting Man, since all he has to do is put on crazy makeup and run around causing trouble.

There’s also a great (but short) scene where a photographer tries to coerce a model to take off her top on the beach, until the monster shows up. The model is played by genre legend Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith. Future movie director Jonathan Demme also has a cameo as a character named Matt Winters, another one of the monster’s victims.

Probably the biggest star in this one is the makeup artist, the legendary Rick Baker, in one of his earlier jobs. The Melting Man is not one of his best creations, but it certainly looks too good for this movie! It’s amazing what Baker would do with a bigger budget and real equipment (see AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, just four years later in 1981).

Rick Baker’s makeup effects for the monster might be the ONLY reason to see THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN!

Star Alex Rebar (the Melting Man) had roles on TV shows like THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS and MURDER, SHE WROTE. He was also one of the (9!) writers of the Italian exorcism classic, BEYOND THE DOOR (1974), and his first acting job was in a movie called MICROSCOPIC LIQUID SUBWAY TO OBLIVION (1970), which I would love to see, just for the title alone.

Director William Sachs also gave us GALAXINA (1980) and SPOOKY HOUSE (2002).

Not bad enough to be good, and not good at all, THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN is for fans of bad cinema only- who don’t mind wasting 90 minutes of their lives – or Rick Baker completists.

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GHOUL (2012)

Posted in 2013, Cable movies, Family Secrets, Grave Robbing, Horror, Monsters, Paul McMahon Columns, Supernatural, The Distracted Critic, TV-Movies with tags Barry Corbin, Brian Keene, Chiller Channel, Dane Rhodes, Ghoul, horror, Nolan Gould, TV Movies on April 3, 2013 by knifefighter

GHOUL (2012)
Review by Paul McMahon, The Distracted Critic

GHOUL is a movie I’d been following since I heard it was in production. Brian Keene’s novel remains my favorite work of his, and one of the more effective horror novels I’ve read. The reason Keene’s novel works is because the main horrors do not come from the creature haunting the graveyard, but from the parents who have the responsibility of raising their children in a safe and secure environment. This means, however, that a lot of the novel’s effectiveness comes from internal dialogues and the inner thoughts of the characters, both of which are very difficult to show on screen. As thrilled as I was that someone was finally filming a Brian Keene story, I thought that they couldn’t have picked a tougher story to adapt. Because of this, I went into the movie with high hopes but low expectations.

We start with Timmy (Nolan Gould, from the TV show MODERN FAMILY) digging his comics out from under his bed. As soon as he gets comfortable, his mom calls lights out. It demonstrates that kids are at the mercy of their parents’ rules and whims, setting the tone for the film. The next morning, Timmy watches cartoons while his Dad demands his attention. “The start of summer vacation doesn’t save you from your chores!” Timmy’s grandpa shushes him, pretending that he’s watching TV as well. Frustrated, Dad leaves the room. Grandpa (Barry Corbin, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, 2007) calls Timmy over and asks what he and his friends are planning to do with the underground clubhouse they’re building near the cemetery. Timmy is shocked because they thought nobody knew about it. Grandpa assures him nobody else does.

Later on, Timmy and Grandpa are working in the garden and Timmy’s friend Doug (Jacob Bila) bikes up out of breath, having been chased by a stray dog. Grandpa offers to finish Timmy’s chores and sends him on his way. Doug and Timmy go to Barry’s house, where Barry’s Dad (Dane Rhodes, DJANGO UNCHCAINED, 2012) bullies them, calling Doug a fag and telling him that’s probably why his Dad left. Timmy responds by accusing him of making Barry do his job while he sleeps off last night’s bottle. Barry’s dad forbids them to play near the cemetery again.

Dane Rhodes, as Mr. Smeltzer, terrorizes Timmy and Doug in Brian Keene’s GHOUL.

Timmy and Doug meet up with Barry (Trevor Harker) and together they head to their clubhouse. They look at Doug’s hand-drawn map of the surrounding area. Suddenly, they hear Timmy’s Mom calling him. She’s frantic, distraught. “It’s your Grandpa, honey, I’m sorry.”

There are a lot of other things going on, and we get quick scenes depicting some of it. Three older kids on bikes, obviously up to no good, are searching the woods for the clubhouse. A pair of lovers making out in the woods are attacked and presumably killed.

After Grandpa’s funeral, Timmy and his friends are in the cemetery when Doug falls waist-deep into a sinkhole. Barry and Timmy pull him out. Barry says the sinkholes are all over the place because of the old mining operations. While Barry goes for the first aid kit, the stray dog appears, charging and barking. Barry grabs a shovel and attacks the dog viciously, cussing it out while he wails on it. The ferocity of his actions shocks Timmy and Doug. Later on, as they help Barry put away the tools, they discover another sinkhole in the caretaker’s shed, covered by a jagged piece of plywood. That night, over dinner, Timmy asks his dad about the stories of the ghoul. His dad tells him the ghoul is the equivalent of Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.

Steve, one of the three bullies from earlier, spied Timmy and his friends in the shed. That night, Ronnie and Sammie join him and they break into the shed, planning to vandalize what they think is the kids’ clubhouse. They wonder how Timmy and his friends could have shoveled out the maze of tunnels they find, and then Ronnie and Steve continue on, leaving Sammie to stand watch. Predictably, Ronnie and Steve are attacked. Sammie runs back the way they came, arriving at the hole to see Barry’s Dad staring down at her. She pleads with him for help. “You shouldn’t play where you’re not invited,” he says, then pulls the plywood over the hole while she screams.

It’s difficult to distance yourself from a novel as good as GHOUL in order to take a movie adaptation on its own terms. Part of what makes the book so memorable is that it reaches beyond the usual coming-of-age story. These kids are dealing with some heavy-duty subject matter. Doug confesses that his mother comes to him at night and does things to him. Barry’s Dad regularly and brutally beats on him and his mom. From an acting standpoint, staying true to these emotional wallops would tax even the most practiced actors. The three kids in these roles do all they can, and in some scenes they fare pretty well, but in many others they seem disconnected from what’s going on. It felt like they saved their energy for the “big scenes,” which left many of the slower scenes flat.

Nolan Gould, Jacob Bila and Trevor Harker give their all while tasked with monumental acting challenges.

The biggest problem I had with the movie is that it didn’t flow as a whole. It felt bumpy, as if I was watching something that had been heavily edited to fit time constraints. You learn to expect that from a made-for-TV movie, but with this one every time I started to get a handle on what was happening, the scene jumped away, plunging me into something else with no transition time.

Changes have been made to the story as well. Timmy’s parents are not what they were on the page. His mother is more prominent and caring, while his dad is in only two scenes and comes off as simply crabby and overworked. The most traumatic scene of the book has been cut entirely from the movie. If you read the book, you know what scene I’m talking about. There was also a major change to the ending, which I understand kept the focus on the humanity of the story, but it’s not a change any fan of the book will embrace.

GHOUL was a bold choice to put before the cameras, but, sadly, I can’t recommend the finished product. Fingers crossed that the upcoming DARK HOLLOW is a stronger film and more worthy of Keene’s name.

I give GHOUL 1 and one half stars, with 2 timeouts.

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Me and Lil’ Stevie: CREEPSHOW II (1987)

Posted in 2013, 80s Horror, Anthology Films, Ghosts!, Me and Lil' Stevie, Monsters, Peter Dudar Reviews, Sea Creatures, Stephen King Movies with tags 80s horror, Chief Wood'nhead, Creepshow 2, gore, Michael Gornick, scares, stephen king, The Hitchhiker, The Raft on March 27, 2013 by knifefighter

Me and Lil’ Stevie
Periodically Enjoy
CREEPSHOW II (1987)
By Peter Dudar

(Exterior-day: Establishing shot of quiet Maine town by morning. There is a little boy sitting on his bicycle just outside the local newsstand, waiting for a very special delivery. An old army-style canvas-covered delivery truck adorned with comic book graphics pulls up, and the little boy sits up tall on his bike. The truck parks, and then there is a figure rummaging around the back of the truck, sorting through bundles of magazines. The figure tosses a bundle out onto the curb, and the boy goes to reach for it. Suddenly, the boy stops and looks up at the figure in the back of the truck. The camera pans upward and we see that the figure is a man holding a ventriloquist dummy in the form of Master of Horror, Stephen King.)

Lil’ Stevie: I wouldn’t do that, son…I really wouldn’t.

Peter: Why not? Little Billy, here, just wants the very first copy.

Billy: Yeah! It’s all mine! I got here first!

Peter: Go ahead, Billy. Open it up. You’ve earned it.

(Billy opens up the package. Instead of being filled with comic books, the package is filled with autographed pictures of Justin Beiber.)

Billy: Nooooooo! (abandons his bicycle and runs away screaming).

Lil’ Stevie: Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk…they fall for it every time!

Peter: Welcome, Constant Viewer, to another fun-filled episode. Today, we’ll be discussing Michael Gornick’s 1987 film directorial debut, CREEPSHOW II. Gornick, like a lot of other directors that have cut their teeth on Stephen King projects, has a long history of working in the cinema, serving as a cinematographer, production manager, camera and sound engineer, actor, and producer. He is equally steeped in made-for-television projects as well. So, when George Romero (director of the original CREEPSHOW, 1982) passed on the project, Gornick stepped in (he was cinematographer on CREEPSHOW, and was familiar with the spirit of the project).

Lil’ Stevie: And the fans of CREEPSHOW rejoiced! Boo-ya!

Peter: Not exactly. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. As you already know, Constant Viewer, we examined the original CREEPSHOW back in episode 7, and we happen to consider it a favorite of ours, so we want to treat this entry as fairly and unbiased as possible.

Lil’ Stevie: Which means we sat our butts down and re-watched it, for old time’s sake.

Peter: The film begins pretty much as we’ve established with the delivery truck, turning Little Billy’s wraparound segment into an animated storyline featuring him and “The Creep” (Tom Savini, special effects maestro and character actor, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, 1996).

Lil’ Stevie: You’re already getting it wrong. The Creep is played by Joe Silver (RABID, 1977).

Peter (sighing): Silver provided the voice. Now, quit interrupting. It bears mentioning that the original film was constructed with comic book panels and artwork interspersed with the live action sequences. It made the movie feel like a comic-book-come-to-life, which was an enormous part of the campy charm that made the original so cool (not to mention comic art veteran Bernie Wrightson’s stunning contributions). All of that is traded off for “The Creep’s” animated spookshow-host narration. I found this to be an annoyance more than an upgrade. At the time of this film’s theatrical release, HBO was already knocking ‘em dead with their “Crypt Keeper” in TALES FROM THE CRYPT. This feels like a bad rip-off.

Lil’ Stevie: Can we talk about my stories? My stories are what bring the movie to life!

(Peter reaches down and snatches up an autographed photo of Justin Beiber)

Peter: Here, this is for you. Aren’t you his “Number-one fan?”

(Lil’ Stevie turns aside and throws up).

Peter: Holy cow! How are you doing that? You’re a puppet. You can’t throw up!

Lil’ Stevie: (Dragging his sleeve across his mouth) Oh yeah? Well, you can’t write for beans!

Peter: (Shaking his head). You disgust me. Anyway, the REAL Stephen King provided three stories for the film; OLD CHIEF WOOD’NHEAD, THE RAFT, and THE HITCHHIKER (with THE RAFT being the only one of the three segments to appear as a published story. It was released in Gallery magazine in 1982, and then in the collection SKELETON CREW in 1985). The first story, OLD CHIEF WOODN’HEAD, concerns Ray and Martha Spruce (George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour). The Spruces (a loving nod, perhaps, to Tabitha King’s family) are an elderly couple who own and operate the only general store in Dead River, Arizona. The town, it seems, has washed up and blown away, and its few remaining citizens (most of them being Native American) are in debt to the Spruces. Ray Spruce doesn’t seem all that concerned, though. He’s done very well over the years, and feels obligated to give back to the people that supported him.

Lil’ Stevie: The beginning of the story sees Ray outside his store, painting new war stripes on Chief Wood’nhead; the cigar store-style Indian statue that stands on the store’s front porch.

Peter: While he’s working, his neighbor, Benjamin Whitemoon (Frank Salsedo, MAGIC IN THE WATER, 1995) pays him a visit. Whitemoon brings a pouch of Native American jewelry that he has collected from his people as a kind of promissory note to pay off the debts his people have incurred. “I’ll guard it with my life,” Ray promises. He tries to convince Whitemoon that prosperity is in the air and that the town is going to come back, but he and Whitemoon already know this isn’t to be. The pouch is the only payment he is going to see for his kindness, and by taking it, he allows Whitemoon’s people to remain borrowers rather than beggars.

Lil’ Stevie: You NEVER promise to guard something with your life. You just don’t do it.

Peter: That’s right. Because Whitemoon’s nephew Sam (Holt McCallany, GANGSTER SQUAD, 2013) and his buddies want that wampum. They hold up the store, taking what little cash the Spruces have, but Sam has his eye set on the pouch of jewelry. The heist quickly turns into a killing spree, with Martha gunned down while her husband watches helpless, trying to talk Sam out of what he’s about to do. When Ray refuses to let go of the treasure he promised to guard with his life, he, too is murdered and the pouch is pried from his cold, dead hands. And then Sam and his buddies are racing off to leave Dead River for new digs in Hollywood.

Lil’ Stevie: Not if Old Chief Wood’nhead can help it…

Peter: Precisely. In E.C. Comics-style vengeance, the Chief (Dan Kamin, MARS ATTACKS, 1996) comes to life and goes on the warpath against the hooligans who killed the folks that took such good care of him. The siege doesn’t end until all three are dead, with Sam’s scalp (which he treasured) clutched in his hand as he finds rest at his original post outside the store. The Chief is the real star of this story, and the makeup effects for the statue come-to-life by Gregory Nicotero and company deserve mad props. This film is one of the last of its breed; the kind with guys in rubber suits and prosthetic appliances providing the scares rather than CGI. It pays off as you watch the Chief’s subtle facial movements and statuesque body motions.

Lil’ Stevie: …and the blood shots, squirting all over the walls as the Chief swings his tomahawk.

Peter: On kind of a funny off-note, I’d always believed that Rodney Grant played Sam Whitemoon. Grant is the Native American actor that portrayed Wind In His Hair in 1990’s DANCES WITH WOLVES. It turns out that Holt McCallany isn’t even Native American. Crazy, huh?

Lil’ Stevie: Hilarious. You’re an imbecile.

Peter: (pulls out a tomahawk and crunches it into Lil’ Stevie’s head.) Heh. That’s funny, too. The second story, THE RAFT, is about four college kids who race off to a lake after the summer season has ended to go for a swim in the lake’s secluded waters. A joint is passed around as Deke and Randy drag their best gals, Laverne and Rachel, to the lake in Deke’s bitchin’ Camaro. They arrive at the lake with the radio blasting terrible 80s music, and the boys race right into the lake and begin paddling toward The Raft. The girls follow reluctantly, and as they are swimming, the boys notice a weird, oily membrane floating on the water (the membrane eats a duck alive, to their horror). Once they are all up on the raft, the kids are held hostage by the membrane, which now seems to move and have a mind of its own. Rachel buys it first, gently prodding the membrane to see what it is, only to have the membrane snatch her off the raft and eat her up. Deke dies next, as the membrane slides effortlessly between the raft’s slits and begins chewing away his flesh.

Lil’ Stevie: Randy and Laverne manage to survive all night, but thanks to Randy’s randy hormones, Laverne falls prey to the membrane. As the gelatinous blob eats her alive, Randy decides to make a break for it and swim to the shore…but will he make it out alive?

Peter: This was my favorite segment of the film, and Gornick’s cinematography skills really shine in how this was shot. It’s beautifully done, the way the camera floats past the kids on the raft at eye-level. It’s great stuff. Again, all that’s missing is the neat comic book panels from the original film.

Lil’ Stevie: The acting was a tad weak in this one. None of these kids had star quality, and none of them had any meteoric rise to fame because of this movie.

Peter: Sad but true. The last segment, THE HITCHHIKER, stars Lois Chiles (MOONRAKER, 1979) as Annie Lansing, the wife of a successful attorney. Lois has been throwing her husband’s hard-earned money at her favorite gigolo for sex, but in spite of her infidelity, she’s terrified of being home one minute late from the affair as it will anger her husband severely. So, after an evening of wanton sex with her lover, she notices she’s late and will never be home on time. She floors the pedal of her BMW in her bid to get home, and in the process, she accidentally runs over some hapless hitchhiker (Tom Wright, BARBER SHOP, 2002) holding a sign reading DOVER.

Lil’ Stevie: Stephen King cameo! King plays a truck driver, who happens to be the first on the scene after Annie Lansing disappears in her BMW.

Peter: The shaken adulterer speeds away, trying to convince herself that she can always turn herself in if she can’t live with the guilt, but the guilt has already begun to manifest itself. It seems the Hitchhiker isn’t really dead, and will haunt her ride home. The corpse seems to turn up over and over again, until Annie is literally running his body into trees, and then driving back and forth over the poor guy’s remains until he is the nastiest road kill you’ve ever seen.

Lil’ Stevie: We really ramped up the gore on this one. Like the first segment, this tale is all about revenge.

Peter: It’s really all about guilt. We don’t honestly know if the Hitchhiker is really haunting her, or if she’s injured her head in the accident and is hallucinating the whole thing. But Annie eventually makes it back home and parks her totaled car in the garage, where the Hitchhiker visits her one last time…

Lil’ Stevie: And her husband finds her dead body in a haze of carbon monoxide. Maybe she couldn’t live with the guilt after all.

Peter: A couple of things about this movie…Putting aside the lack of comic book panel framing, this film’s stories verge more on the serious side rather than the campy side that the original movie had. The first film’s characters were more like caricatures, more stereotypical than typical. This film opted to play it straight, leaving the comedy to the goofy animated “Creep” segments, and that detracts from the overall impact of the movie. It’s no wonder that so many King and Romero fans were disappointed with this film (and that’s taking into consideration that Romero wrote the screenplay based on King’s stories). The stories are very stripped down and one-dimensional, making them predictable in their outcomes. But they work. They are entertaining stories built on morality plays. What would you do if you accidentally ran someone over and killed them? What would you do if you and your friends were stuck on a raft with something trying to eat you?

Lil’ Stevie: I’d make sure you got eaten first!

Peter: Thanks. I can always count on you. I guess my final word on this one is that it falls under the category of “What could have been…” This could have been great if it stuck to the formula that made the first movie so great. It could have been great if they left out “The Creep” and stuck with the nifty comic book with its pages flapping in the breeze. It could have been great with a bit more campy humor. And it could have been great with one or two more stories. The three tales (and the wraparound story with Billy getting chased by the bullies) just don’t offer a satisfying meal for us to feast on. Two vengeance tales and a badly-acted hostage story fall short of a complete anthology film.

Lil’ Stevie: Unless you’re Mario Bava. BLACK SABBATH (1963) rocks!

Peter: In the meantime, we’ll keep hoping King and Romero get it together and put out a legitimate CREEPSHOW III, unlike the one that was released in 2006 that had nothing to do with either of them. Agreed?

Lil’ Stevie: Agreed. Well, boils and ghouls, we’ll be slaying ya…er, seeing ya next month! Bwahahahaha!

(Peter leans down and picks up Billy’s bicycle and climbs on, setting Lil’ Stevie on the handlebars.)

Peter: Thanks a lot, Billy…thanks for the ride! (Pedals away).

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Pickin’ the Carcass Visits THE RIG (2010)

Posted in 2013, B-Movies, Just Plain Fun, Michael Arruda Reviews, Monsters, Pickin' the Carcass with tags B-Movie, Fun Flicks, Monster, Monster Movie, The Rig, William Forsythe on February 27, 2013 by knifefighter

PICKIN’ THE CARCASS: THE RIG (2010)
By Michel Arruda

I’ve said it many times before but it’s true: I’m a sucker for monster movies, and so today’s PICKIN’ THE CARCASS feature, THE RIG (2010), in spite of the fact that it’s a clear rip-off of the ALIEN formula, won me over. It’s actually a pretty fun movie, worth checking out as long as you’re not expecting something original.

THE RIG takes place on an oil rig—so that’s where they got the title! —that’s suddenly in the path of a raging hurricane. The head of the crew, Jim Fleming (William Forsythe) orders the bulk of the crew to evacuate temporarily, leaving just a skeleton crew on board until after the dangerous storm passes.

Hmm. A hurricane raging all around, a few crew members trapped on a hulking oil rig in the middle of the ocean, I wonder what would happen if a man-eating monster showed up and decided to prey upon the unsuspecting crew? Sounds like the formula for a good old-fashioned monster movie, which, in effect, is exactly what THE RIG is, a throwback to monster movies like ALIEN (1979) and THE THING (1982).

Is it as good as those movies? No way! But it remains true to its traditions, and on this level, it succeeds.

So, yes, a monster does show up to wreak havoc amongst the skeleton crew. That’s because the film opens with an undersea camera poking around the depths of the ocean, only to be destroyed by some unknown aquatic presence. This thing later climbs on board the rig, a la the Creature from the Black Lagoon. It’s obviously not happy with the results of its photo shoot and is seeking a re-take. Actually, it’s just a hungry beast that likes to eat humans.

On the rig, we have our cliché-ridden cast of characters, but what makes these folks enjoyable is the actors who play them actually do a decent job. The head of the rig, Jim Fleming is busy contending not only with the storm but with his adult daughter Carey (Serah D’Laine) who’s in love with one of the oil men, Kyle Dobbs (Scott Martin). Jim just doesn’t want his daughter involved with an oil man. He wants more for his little girl. Gag. Yep, you can see this storyline coming a mile away, and it’s something we’ve seen a million times before, but luckily the movie doesn’t spend too much time on this plot point. The bulk of the time is fortunately spent on the monster story.

Then there’s Freddy Brewer (Stacey Hinnen), the tough-as-nails rig worker who’s enjoying a fling of his own, with his hot co-worker, Rodriguez (Carmen Perez). Freddy is also dealing with his younger brother who has requested to get off the rig because he’s tired of living in his older brother’s shadow.

Fortunately, all these stories go away once the monster shows up and starts feasting on human flesh. Once that happens, the remainder of the crew bands together and fights for survival, hoping to survive long enough for the storm to pass, so they can either get off the rig or have help arrive.

As I said, THE RIG isn’t going to earn any points for originality. Its best scenes we’ve seen before in films like ALIEN and THE THING, but because it handles these scenes well, it still manages to entertain.

Probably my favorite part of THE RIG is that director Peter Atencio chose not to use CGI effects for the monster. Instead, he uses an old-fashioned man in a suit, which once seen isn’t anything to brag about, but for the bulk of the film, director Atencio goes with the “less seen the better” philosophy, and it works.

Most of the creature scenes feature quick snippets of the monster, and so for the majority of the movie, you don’t see the creature, and this style works. It’s scarier wondering just what exactly is around that dark corner, as opposed to seeing some fake-looking CGI creation that imbues no reality whatsoever. So, for the most part, the creature scenes in this movie are effective. Sure, towards the end, when we see more of the beast, it’s a bit of a disappointment, but it’s still better than a cartoony CGI beasty.

The cast also acquits itself well. William Forsythe is solid as oil boss Jim Fleming. Sure, he must have been fighting not to throw up as he delivered some of his cliché-ridden lines, but he really makes for a believable oil rig chief.

Forsythe is a veteran actor who’s been in a ton of movies. I remember him most from way back when, with his performance in ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984) where he co-starred with Robert De Niro. He was also memorable more recently in the awful HALLOWEEN (2007) remake.

Stacey Hinnen is also very good as Freddy, the tough guy, who becomes the “go to” guy once the creature shows up. Serah D’Laine is okay as Jim’s daughter Carey. She runs hot and cold, and she’s certainly no Sigourney Weaver. Carmen Peres fares better as Rodriguez, in a supporting role.

Probably the weakest link of the main cast is Scott Martin as Serah’s boyfriend Kyle. When it comes to tough guy heroes, he’s more Michael Biehn than Kurt Russell. I’d rather have Kurt Russell.

The weakest part of the movie, no doubt, is the screenplay by Scott Martin—yep, the same guy who also plays Kyle in this one—Mariliee A. Benson, Lori Chavez, and C.W. Fallin, which is full of one cliché after another, some really bad dialogue, and characters so familiar they seem like family members. Yet, in a strange way, it works, because it gets the monster stuff right, and since this is a monster movie after all, if you’re going to get something right, it might as well be the monster story.

When you come right down to it, THE RIG plays like a 1950s B movie, and for those of us who love monster movies, this isn’t a bad thing.

THE RIG offers some good old-fashioned monster movie fun, which as long as you’re not expecting anything new, provides a decent enough diversion for 90 minutes to make it worthwhile.

I give it two and a half knives.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE RIG ~ two and a half knives!

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JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)

Posted in 2013, Apocalyptic Films, Bizarro Movies, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Dark Comedies, ESP, Fun Stuff!, Heightened Abilities, Highly Stylized Films, Just Plain Fun, Just Plain Weird, LL Soares Reviews, Monsters, Plot Twists, Psychic Powers, Something Different, Twisted, Unusual Films with tags Angus Scrimm, Chase Williamson, Clancy Brown, David Wong, Don Coscarelli, Doug Jones, John Dies at the End, Paul Giamatti, Twisted Fun on February 11, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)
By L.L. Soares (with a guest appearance by Michael Arruda)

(THE SCENE: An all-night Chinese restaurant at midnight. DAVID WONG —looking a lot like actor Chase Williamson—sits in a booth. MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES enter and sit down across from him)

WONG: I didn’t think you’d make it.

LS: We’re professionals. Of course we made it.

WONG: Did anyone follow you?

MA: No, I made sure to drive erratically to throw anyone off our trail.

LS: You drove like that on purpose?

MA: Of course I did.

LS: Yeah, sure.

WONG: Enough of your bickering. I only have a limited time to tell you all about the soy sauce and the creatures from another dimension and the remarkable Dr. Albert Marconi.

LS: No need. We just saw the movie. We’re all up to date.

WONG: Are you sure? Did you watch the right movie?

LS: Of course we did!

MA: Calm down. Why don’t you tell him what you saw?

LS: Okay, sure. The movie JOHN DIES AT THE END is the tale of David Wong, who looked just like you…

(WONG nods)

LS: Wong is in a restaurant, just like this one, telling his tale to a reporter named Arnie Blondestone (Paul Giamatti). It’s about how he was pulled into a secret plan to save the Earth, along with his friend John (Rob Mayes), who sings in a punk rock band called Three Armed Sally.

Wong’s story begins with a chance meeting with a Jamaican guy at a party named Robert Marley, who tells David several things he should not know. Later that night, or rather the next morning at 3am, David is awoken by a call from his friend John, begging for help. He goes to help John battle some supernatural baddies and then ends up in a police station where a detective tells him that the night before, a bunch of people went to the trailer of a certain Robert Marley after a party and four are missing, the rest are dead, and John is a suspect. David has no clue what is going on, but a phone call from John (that was made the night before but just reaches him now) tells him he needs to get out of there. But he has to fight a man who appears to be a cop (but isn’t) first.

To explain beyond this (early) point would be kind of pointless. JOHN DIES AT THE END isn’t that kind of linear, straight-forward movie that caters to an easy synopsis. Suffice to say that David Wong goes on an adventure that involves a girl named Amy (Fabianne Therese) who has one prosthetic hand, her dog Bark Lee, Dave’s friend Fred (Jimmy Wong), a white rapper wannabe named Justin White (Jonny Weston), the world-famous magician Dr. Marconi (Clancy Brown), and John, who dies early on in the movie, but doesn’t exactly stay dead.

The catalyst for all this is a drug called “soy sauce” (because that’s what it looks like). When you take it, either it creates vivid hallucinations or opens your mind to realities we aren’t normally aware of. I’m not saying which. It’s also alive and when ingested it either kills you, or uses you for its own purposes. And those purposes ultimately involve a plot by people in an alternate world who worship a living machine called Korrok (voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson), and their desire to enter our plane of existence and make our world like theirs—a horrible place that lives only to serve Korrok.

The movie was based on the novel by David Wong…

(WONG nods)

LS: …this is getting a little confusing.

The movie is pretty good. mainly because you’re never sure what is going to happen next. I liked the fast, witty repartee in this one, and the rapid-fire pacing. A lot of times critics compare certain movies to amusement park rides, like roller coasters, but this movie lives up to the comparison.

It was directed by the great Don Coscarelli, who also gave us the classic PHANTASM (1979), THE BEASTMASTER (1982) and BUBBA HO-TEP (2002), and he does another cracker jack job here, bringing the novel to life.

The cast is pretty solid. I liked Chase Williamson as Wong a lot, he was a strong central character here…

(WONG nods)

LS: And the great Paul Giamatti rarely gives a bad performance. He’s good here, too, but his character is mostly around so Wong can tell him his story (and in the process, tell us). Rob Mayes, who plays John, might be familiar to some people from TV shows like the new version of 90210 and THE CLIENT LIST. And Clancy Brown, as the all-powerful Marconi, has been in tons of stuff from THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BONZAI ACROSS THE 8^TH DIMENSION (1984) to THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994) to STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997) and lots of television shows. I thought he was especially good in the sadly short-lived HBO series CARNIVALE (2003 – 2005), where he played Brother Justin Crowe.

Other recognizable faces include Angus Scrimm (the “Tall Man” from the PHANTASM movies) as a priest named Father Shellnut. And Doug Jones—mostly known for roles where he’s not so recognizable, including Abe Sapien in the HELLBOY movies, the Faun and the Pale Man from PAN’S LABYRINTH, 2006, and the Silver Surfer in FANTASTIC 4: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, 2007—plays a strange alien being named Roger North.

The cast is really good and the story gives us a good mix of thrills and laughs. The sheer unpredictable nature of the movie is what makes it so unique and enjoyable. Not everything is perfect—but for the most part I thought it worked really well. I give it three knives. People should check this one out.

WONG: Just three, huh?

LS: Errr…Tell him what you thought of it, Michael?

MA: I didn’t see it.

LS: What are you talking about? Of course you saw it. You were telling me all about it in the ride up here.

MA: Sorry. You must be mistaken.

(MA begins to make strange noises)

WONG: I think there’s something wrong with your friend.

(MA suddenly turns into a gooey monster with writhing tentacles)

LS: That wasn’t Michael at all! I’ve been tricked!

(WONG pulls out a gun and blasts the creature, which disintegrates.)

LS: Whew. That was a close call.

WONG: Your mission has been compromised. They’re on to us.

LS: I guess that means I better leave, huh?

WONG: Do what you want, but I’m out of here.

(WONG disappears)

LS: Wow. Neat trick.

(LS waves waitress over and lifts a menu)

LS: I’ll have number 4 and number 15 to go, and make it quick. Okay?

WAITRESS: Right away, sir.

LS (to audience): Well, at least this wasn’t a total loss.

LL Soares gives JOHN DIES AT THE END ~three knives.

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Me and Lil’ Stevie work the GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1990)

Posted in 1990s Horror, 2013, Animals Attack, Horror, Me and Lil' Stevie, Monsters, Peter Dudar Reviews, Rats, Stephen King Movies with tags Bachman Mill, brad dourif, David Andrews, Graveyard Shift, Rats, stephen king, Stephen Macht on January 30, 2013 by knifefighter

ME AND LIL’ STEVIE

Sweat It Out On The

GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1990)

(Interior/Night) Establishing shot of the basement of a textile mill, where a hundred years of old furniture, debris, and other miscellany have been carelessly scattered about, forsaken and forgotten. In the dank dinginess of the basement, we can hear the drip, drip, drip of water, and the hair-raising squealing of rats as they scamper about in the dark. Somewhere in the distance, in the blackened heart of the basement, we begin to hear the snarl of something monstrous and menacing, and the camera begins to zoom in, trying to find the source of the sound. There’s a light up ahead, and in the light we see the silhouette of a figure hunting our unseen monster. The figure turns toward the camera, and we see that it is a man holding a ventriloquist dummy in the form of Master of Horror, Stephen King.

Lil’ Stevie: Rats!

Peter: Yeah, they’re everywhere. Pretty creepy, huh?

Lil’ Stevie: No, I meant “Rats, I just broke a fingernail!”

Peter: (Sighing) Good evening, Constant Viewer. Me and Lil’ Pansy, here, are going to be discussing Ralph S. Singleton’s 1990 adaptation of King’s GRAVEYARD SHIFT. Now, this was Singleton’s film directorial debut, but he HAS worked extensively in the motion picture industry as a unit production manager and assistant director, so he does have some knowledge and credibility in the field. Choosing to adapt a King story for filming seems like a logical choice in terms of career building and turning a quick buck.

Lil’ Stevie: Nothing packs ‘em in like a good monster movie!

Peter: Well, that remains to be seen. The story itself was originally published in Cavalier magazine, and then republished in…you know, it seems like you published a lot of stories in spank magazines. What’s up with that?

Lil’ Stevie: You do what you have to do to keep food on the table, ya know? Besides, GRAVEYARD SHIFT isn’t the most literary work I ever put out. It’s pretty elementary. It’s the classic “submarine story,” where the protagonist and antagonist are compressed into an escapeless microcosm together. It’s also a nifty little campfire tale, inspired by H.P. Lovecraft’s THE RATS IN THE WALLS (1923).

Peter: Maybe, but screenwriter John Esposito (THE WALKING DEAD) deftly follows the trend of previous screenwriters by taking your elementary little story and expanding on it to fill 90 minutes of celluloid. And based on previous films we’ve reviewed, that isn’t always a winning formula.

Lil’ Stevie: (Rolling his eyes comically) Alas. I hate it when they do that. They always have to add a love story or a coming-of-age angle that muddies and detracts from the story’s original impact. My original story was strictly protagonist, antagonist, and monster rats and bats. There weren’t any female characters in it whatsoever!

Peter: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay? The story begins inside this very building we’re standing in, just a few floors above us, where a hapless worker falls into a giant metal-toothed cotton separating machine after being bullied by a horde of rats.

Lil’ Stevie: Didja notice the name of the mill? It’s the Bachman Mill, named after my alter-ego.

Peter: Quit interrupting! Naturally, after the fiasco, there is a job vacancy to be filled. Enter our protagonist, John Hall (David Andrews, HANNIBAL, 2001), a drifter who somehow has made his way up to Gates Falls, Maine after bumming around the country for a while. Of course, the townies don’t really care too much for the new guy in town, and they don’t mind showing it as he shows up at the local café (just when their graveyard shift is ending) for a bite to eat.

Lil’ Stevie: I really wanted to point something out here. The town of Gates Falls, Maine is fictional, but it IS based on Lisbon Falls, Maine…the very town where WE live! And right down the street from us is the Worumbo Mill, where I used to work when I was younger. It’s where I got the idea for the story!

Peter: You mean, where the REAL Stephen King used to work. And that’s a huge bit of information to throw out there. Got any proof?

Lil’ Stevie: As a matter of fact, I do! On page 23 of George Beahm’s biography, STEPHEN KING: America’s Best-Loved Boogeyman, it tells all about his experiences there during his high school years, and how he used to spend his downtime throwing cans at the rats that would watch him working.

Peter: (Picking up the book and leafing through it) I’ll be darned. It DOES say that.

Lil’ Stevie: Why would I lie about ME?

Peter: You’re NOT you. Er…You know what I mean. You’re just a puppet. Anyway, Hall goes and talks to the foreman, Mr. Warwick (Stephen Macht, THE MONSTER SQUAD, 1987) about a job. Warwick is obviously a sleazebag, with his anti-union bullying of the employees and “fishing off the company pier” with his secretary (Ilona Margolis, FLATLINERS, 1990). Warwick has his hands full with the Bachman Mill, with goals and demands to meet from the mill owners, the misbehavior of the surly employees, and the growing rat problem. Warwick has already employed an exterminator (Brad Dourif, CHILD’S PLAY, 1988) to flush out the varmints, a job that he seems to love and obsess over, but there’s just way too many for one man to deal with.

Lil’ Stevie: Of course, there was no exterminator in my original story.

Peter: Granted. And Dourif’s character does seem a bit over-the-top. He appears in several scenes where he goes off on his little soliloquies, but they seem contrived and unnecessary and do nothing to make his character remotely likeable. As the story unfolds, and the Workplace Safety Inspector arrives at the mill threatening to close it down, Warwick HAS to do something to keep the mill operational. So he pays off the inspector to come back in a few weeks, promising he’ll get the mill up to code and the basement cleaned out over the Fourth of July holiday. More mysterious deaths ensue (led by the monstrous thing lurking in the basement), and when Warwick puts his cleanup team together, Hall and company have no idea what they’re in for.

Lil’ Stevie: In the meantime, Hall starts getting a bit comfy with coworker Jane Wisconsky (Kelly Wolf, LESS THAN ZERO, 1987). Jane regales him with her woe-is-me story about being a hometown girl stuck in her going-nowhere job after her divorce, and blah-blah-blah, yadda-yadda-yadda. In my story, Wisconsky was a dude who whined a lot. Why they turned her into a hot chick for the movie, I have no idea.

Peter: Story building. Plus, it adds the whole “date movie” element.

Lil’ Stevie: Well, I don’t like it! Nosiree Bob, this is supposed to be a horror story, not a cuddle-fest!

Peter: Look at the size of that rat over there…

Lil’ Stevie: (Gasping) Hold me close. I’m scared!

Peter: (Chuckling) You big sissy. Well, Warwick manages to bribe some of the non-union workers into the cleanup detail with double pay. Other workers get bullied into it. And come evening of the Fourth of July, the crew meets at the mill and proceeds down into the basement to begin cleanup detail. It goes smoothly at first, with most of the conflict shifting between pain-in-the-ass coworkers who get into a scuffle as debris is removed and the intruding horde of rats get blown away by a high-pressure fire hose.

Lil’ Stevie: Again, most of these shenanigans never even happen in the story. No love interests, no employee brawls, just workers who go down into the basement to clean it out. But there IS one conflict that transitions from my story to the movie, and that’s the conflict that occurs between Hall and Warwick. There is enormous mistrust between these two characters, stemming from a notion of right and just authority. Warwick is clearly a villainous tool. Hall counters this with a kind of stand-off of wills and wits, pushing his antagonist deeper down into the basement to find the source of the rats’ nest.

Peter: That’s good stuff. Back to our movie…The cleanup crew does proceed deeper into the basement, and when the nimrod with the fire hose accidentally blasts debris off a trap door, they discover a sub-basement that leads them down deeper into the darkness, into a world that seems almost ancient and long abandoned. And here we feel that sense of Lovecraft’s ghost playing in. By this point of the film, we’ve already been introduced to the weird giant bat that has been roosting in the bowels of the mill (and feasting on hapless victims), and here is its domain.

Lil’ Stevie: In my story, we don’t meet the monster until we get to its lair. What I DO treat the Constant Reader to is rats the size of puppies and mutant bats, which are plenty disturbing if you ask my opinion.

Peter: The conflict between Hall and Warwick escalates the further they go into this sub-basement. One of the hired hands will fall through the floor into ANOTHER sub-basement where the river flows. Other workers are attacked and killed by the monster bat. And ultimately, Warwick will turn on Hall and Wisconsky in order to try and save himself. I don’t want to give too much more of what happens away, in case you were planning on seeing the movie, but I can tell you this much, the monster bat is cool as hell to look at. He’s a show-stealer!

The monster bat in GRAVEYARD SHIFT is a scene stealer.

The monster bat in GRAVEYARD SHIFT is a show stealer.

Lil’ Stevie: (Sighing) And, of course, the ending is NOTHING like the ending of my story. My tale is a dread-inducing denouement that puts this ending to shame.

Peter: I think that’s a matter of opinion. This ending works for the treatment they rewrote in the screenplay. Overall, though, this movie is a bit of a throwaway. In more capable hands, this could have been infinitely more unsettling than just a “date-movie” horror flick. From the starting gate, I disliked Dourif’s exterminator character immensely, I found Macht’s Mainer accent to be absolutely ridiculous (for a much better Maine accent, see Fred Gwynne’s Jud Crandall in PET SEMETERY, 1989), and most of the other characters involved seemed cartoonish and stereotypical. But giving Singleton his due, the scenery is authentic (it was filmed in Harmony, Maine), and the mill with its labyrinth of tunnels and caverns is brilliantly designed and filmed.

Lil’ Stevie: And rats are always creepy. Especially in big hordes like in this film.

Peter: Agreed. The monster-bat is just gorgeous. As a fan of horror, I would die to have this thing perched outside my house on Halloween night. It reminded me of the monster from ALIEN (1979), and had that “submarine-movie” concept you brought up earlier. The horror of this tale doesn’t happen in OUR world as much as it does in the world of the Monster-Bat, in the labyrinth under the mill. And sadly, that horror is muddied by supplying the film with characters we care very little about. Aboard the Nostromo, we see a crew that is fairly unified and happen to need and rely upon each other. In the Bachman Mill, we see a group of macho idiots who hardly get along, and almost deserve it whenever one of them bites the dust. Which group would YOU be rooting for?

Lil’ Stevie: I’d be rooting for the RATS!

Peter: This story would have been much better suited for adaptation as a segment for CREEPSHOW. The King short story has the same ambiance as the old E.C. Comics stories. That would have been a much better vehicle to capture the same dread and creepiness. I’d have loved to see how Romero would have treated this one.

Lil’ Stevie: He’d have turned the victims into zombies. You’d have hated it.

Peter: RATFOODSAYSWHAT!

Lil’ Stevie: What?

(Peter tosses Lil’ Stevie onto the ground and a horde of rats race over to begin feasting on him.)

Lil’ Stevie: Arrrgghhh! I’ll get you for this!

Peter: (Laughing) Be sure and let me know when you get passed! Goodbye, folks. See you next month.

-THE END-

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Cinema Knife Fight’s Monstrous Question: BEST ACTOR/ACTRESS WHO NEVER MADE IT

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, 50s Horror, 70s Horror, 80s Horror, 90s horror, Campy Movies, Grindhouse, Hammer Films, LL Soares Reviews, Mad Doctors!, Michael Arruda Reviews, Monsters, Monstrous Question of the Month, Movie History, Paul McMahon Columns, Universal Horror Films, William Carl Articles with tags Deborah Foreman, Dwight Frye, idris elba, Jason Miller, Jeffrey Demunn, monstrous question, Screaming Mad George, Seamus O'Brien, Underappreciated Actors on December 14, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: MONSTROUS QUESTION
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, William D. Carl, and Paul McMahon

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Welcome to this month’s MONSTROUS QUESTION column. Today we’re asking our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters: Who’s your favorite actor, or actress, in a horror/science fiction movie who didn’t make it big?

In other words, that person who never quite became a star, yet in this one movie or perhaps movies, you just loved him/her. Name the actor, the movie, and what it was about his/her performance that you liked so much. You can also comment on why you think this person never became a star. Of course, in some cases, it’s obvious (the person died suddenly, for example).

So let’s get started. William, let’s start with you. Who’s the actor or actress you most wished had made it big?

WILLIAM D. CARL: Thanks, Michael. I’m going with Deborah Foreman, who burst onto the screen in the hot VALLEY GIRL in 1983, but she almost immediately gravitated toward the horror genre.

PAUL MCMAHON: Cool. Deborah Foreman was one of my picks too!

CARL: Well, she was a terrific comedian, with a beautiful face and bod to match the bubbly personality; she nearly always played the perky girl next door type who got into some kind of trouble.

Deborah Foreman in VALLEY GIRL.

In DESTROYER (1988), she faced a crazed Lyle Alzado in an abandoned prison where she was to play the lead in a women-in-prison film. In 1988, she played ‘the girlfriend’ in WAXWORK, facing off against vampires and her own sexual urges when confronted by De Sade!

L.L. SOARES: My kind of woman!

CARL: SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT (1989) found her in another thankless girlfriend role, but she held her own against Bruce Campbell and David Carradine. Later that year she played, yes, another girlfriend in the comedy/horror film LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS. In my heart, however, the lovely Deborah Foreman will always be the twins Buffy and Muffy from 1986′s APRIL FOOL’S DAY, a fun slasher comedy that is buoyed by her dual performance to a point where it makes the movie’s ludicrous twists (almost) palatable.

Foreman had a real knack for comedy and scares, and she knew when to be the growling animalistic twin and when to be sweet and innocent, as she was in most of her roles. I think if someone would’ve let her play something other than the girlfriend, she could have really become a huge star in either comedy or horror. Somehow, she never made it. After a few TV episodes (hello MACGYVER!), she’s disappeared from the scene. Nowadays, she’s a graphic artist and she makes and designs custom furniture.

Sigh.

In my heart, she will always be the beautiful, but mussed Muffy, attacking the last guy alive with one wickedly huge knife. Deborah, we miss you!

MCMAHON: We certainly do.

ARRUDA: I miss the Lobster Man from Mars. Whatever happened to him?

SOARES: He’s selling fish and chips in New Bedford.

Anyway, my favorite actor who never made it big would have to be Seamus O’Brien, who played Master Sardu in the 1976 movie BLOODSUCKING FREAKS. He is brilliant in the film, and has been described as a kind of a “poor man’s Vincent Price.” But I thought he was so much more. By turns spooky and darkly funny, his performance is nothing short of inspired.

The late great Seamus O’Brien in BLOODSUCKING FREAKS.

Born in London in June of 1932, his short film career includes only one other movie credit: a small role in 1975’s THE HAPPY HOOKER, but he also was a stage actor, and was performing in an off-Broadway production of “The Fantasticks” when he died.

And how did he die? He “was stabbed to death while trying to hold a burglar at his apartment on May 14, 1977,” thus ending a promising career in horror/exploitation cinema.

He was only 44 years old.

ARRUDA: That’s sad. Some of my picks had tragic ends as well, but we’ll get to those in a moment. Paul, you want to weigh in?

MCMAHON: Sure.

The one actress I’ve never been able to forget is Deborah Foreman, who William spoke about a couple of minutes ago.

Deborah Foreman in APRIL FOOL’S DAY.

As he said, Foreman played Muffy/ Buffy in the original APRIL FOOL’S DAY (1986). It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it, but I remember her having a screen presence that flipped from inviting to evil and back again. I always thought she deserved a more meaningful acting career than WAXWORK (1988) and LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS.

While we’re at it, I’d like to give a shout-out to Emily Perkins from STEPHEN KING’S IT (1990) and the GINGER SNAPS TRILOGY (2000 – 2004).

Emily Perkins in GINGER SNAPS

ARRUDA, SOARES, CARL: Yo, Emily!

MCMAHON: Where the heck did she go?

SOARES: She ran off with the Lobster Man, and they had little Ginger Lobster babies.

ARRUDA: Really? I thought the Lobster Man from Mars had a thing for the DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS (1954)?

SOARES: That was just a fling.

ARRUDA: Oh. And here I was thinking Mars was just this ANGRY RED PLANET (1959). Who knew there was so much lovin’ going on?

MCMAHON: An actor that leaps to mind is Kevin J. O’Connor, who played Joey in DEEP RISING (1998) and Swann in LORD OF ILLUSIONS (1995). In both roles he disappeared into his character and commanded your attention whenever he was on screen. He works only sporadically now, and doesn’t usually get much to do. I’d love to see him find a role to carve himself into everyone’s memory.

Kevin J. O’Connor in LORD OF ILLUSIONS.

SOARES – Wait a minute here, what’s with all the choices? The question says “Who’s your favorite actor, or actress,” so I obviously assumed it meant one person. No fair!

ARRUDA (dressed as the Joker): Wait til they get aload of me.

SOARES: Did you say something, Michael?

MCMAHON (ignoring them): Topmost, though, I have always been, and will probably always remain, stymied at the lack of respect for Jeffery DeMunn. DeMunn displayed a hell of a lot of talent as the serial killer Andrei Chikatilo in the underrated CITIZEN X (1995).

Jeffrey Demunn is probably best known as playing Dale on THE WALKING DEAD.

I saw the remake of THE BLOB (1988) afterwards, and DeMunn impressed me again, playing a Sheriff who genuinely cares for every member of his town. He was given a small role in THE X FILES: FIGHT THE FUTURE (1998), in which he had nothing to do.

Lately, he seems to have found favor with Frank Darabount, landing roles in THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994), THE GREEN MILE (1999) THE MIST (2007), and most recently as Dale on THE WALKING DEAD, but I think the guy deserves a lot more. He’s a top-tier talent who’s been overlooked far too long.

And a bonus…

SOARES: Another one? WTF?

MCMAHON: Brian Yuzna’s first film SOCIETY (1989) featured some of the wildest, most outrageous make-up designs I’ve ever seen. The job was credited to “Screaming Mad George.” His real name is Joji Tani, and while he worked off and on for a while after that, his trail evaporates after 2005.

Special effect genius, Screaming Mad George

Where the heck did he go?

SOARES: To be honest, he’s not an actor, so he really doesn’t count as an answer to this question, but I still have to agree with you. I’m a huge fan of SOCIETY, a completely underrated movie. And I used to look forward to seeing “Screaming Mad George’s” name in movie credits. He was terrific at making cool effects, and for awhile, you’d see his name everywhere. He was even in the creature effects crew of the original PREDATOR (1987). Where did he go?

ARRUDA: That’s a good question. A lot of folks just disappear from the scene. Often they simply leave the business and continue on with their lives in other careers.

I’ve got a bunch of choices today. Most of them are well-known, I think, but not as leading actors.

SOARES: A bunch??

ARRUDA: Robert Armstrong, for example, in KING KONG (1933) is quite famous among movie buffs for his role as Carl Denham, and while Armstrong was in fact a very successful character actor, appearing in over 160 movies, he never really made the jump to leading man. He’s great as Denham in KING KONG, and I’ve always wished he’d played the lead in more movies.

From the Universal movies, I’m going with Dwight Frye. Sure, Frye is known today for his scene stealing performances as Renfield in the Lugosi DRACULA (1931) and the hunchbacked assistant Fritz in the Karloff FRANKENSTEIN (1931), and you can find him in bit parts in other Universal monster movies, but that’s it.

Dwight Frye in his most iconic role, as Renfeild in DRACULA (1931).

Watch him as Renfield in DRACULA and you can’t help but wish he’d gone on to bigger and better things.

He died young, just 44, of a heart attack, in 1943.

SOARES: Dwight Frye was terrific! Also check him out as Herman Glieb in THE VAMPIRE BAT (1933), another memorable role. He also had a small role, as Wilmer Cook, in THE MALTESE FALCON (1931). He really deserved to become a leading man/villain in horror flicks. He’s better than Lionel Atwill or George Zucco, who got their shots as leads!

ARRUDA: And speaking of DRACULA, I’d also go with Helen Chandler in DRACULA (1931). She’s often and obviously overlooked in this movie because of the presence of Bela Lugosi, Dwight Frye, and Edward Van Sloan as Professor Van Helsing, but she makes a terrific and feisty Mina.

Helen Chandler as Mina in a famous still from 1931′s DRACULA.

After a successful stage career, she never quite made it in the movies. She lived a tragic life, struggling with alcohol and sleeping pill dependency, becoming disfigured in a fire, and eventually living out her days in a sanitarium.

From Hammer Films, I’ve always liked Francis Matthews, who appeared as Peter Cushing’s young assistant Hans in THE REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1958), and as heroic Charles Kent in the second Christopher Lee Dracula movie, DRACULA-PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1966). He’s been described as an “ineffective” leading man, but I’ve always found his performances topnotch. Sure, he sounds just like Cary Grant, but so what? I would have liked to have seen him hit it big.

Francis Matthews with Peter Cushing in THE REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN

Then there’s Andrew Keir, who appeared with Matthews in DRACULA-PRINCE OF DARKNESS, as Father Sandor. Keir was a very successful character actor, but as Father Sandor, the lead hero in DRACULA-PRINCE OF DARKNESS, he dominates his scenes, as he would again in arguably his most famous role as Professor Quatermass in FIVE MILLION YEARS TO EARTH (1967). But he never reached the level of a Peter Cushing or a Christopher Lee in these movies, but based on his performances, he certainly could have.

Andrew Keir

Into the 1970s, I’d go with Jason Miller from THE EXORCIST (1973). He’s great as young Father Karras. I would have loved to have seen him act in many more movies, but he kept himself busy as a successful playwright. He died in 2001.

Jason Miller as Father Karras in THE EXORCIST.

SOARES: I agree about Jason Miller, too. But I’ve got a problem. Bill Carl and I totally followed the rules and chose one person. I thought Paul was bad, but you’re listing so many people it sounds like you’re writing a book on the subject. What’s going on here?

ARRUDA: Where have you been? We always get carried away with these things. This is nothing new. Why haven’t you been paying attention? Have you been busy writing novels or something?

SOARES: Yes.

ARRUDA: There you go.

And from today, I’d go with Idris Elba. He’s starred in a bunch of movies, including PROMETHEUS (2012) and THOR (2011), but mostly in supporting roles, which is too bad because he’s great in every movie I see him in. He’s busily acting today, so there’s still time for him to make it big. This guy needs to make it as a lead actor, and I’m hoping he does.

Idris Elba

SOARES: Another one! But I have to agree about Elba, he’s great in everything he does. He is more appreciated in his native England, by the way, where he plays the lead in the compelling TV series LUTHER (worth checking out on BBC America). In America, he was pretty memorable as Russell “Stringer” Bell on the HBO series THE WIRE (2002 – 2004), but he doesn’t get the respect he deserves. He was even turned down for the lead role in the recent movie ALEX CROSS, so that the role could go to “bigger name” Tyler Perry, who was awful!

ARRUDA: And that’s all we’ve got.

SOARES: Finally! I thought you were doing your dissertation or something!

ARRUDA: Now that you mention it, it would be a fun idea for a book.

SOARES: So, until next time, remember that there’s always something new here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT. Tell all your movie-loving friends to check out the site!

ARRUDA: That’s right. Well, thanks for joining us for this week’s MONSTROUS QUESTION column. Good night, everybody.

—END—

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Trainsmissions to Earth: THE TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD (2007)

Posted in 2012, Aliens, Campy Movies, Comedies, Cult Movies, Just Plain Fun, LL Soares Reviews, Monsters, Science Fiction, Trasmissions to Earth with tags 50s Sci-Fi, Betty Garrett, campy movies, Daniel Roebuck, Dick Miller, Fay Masterson, James Karen, Jennifer Blaire, larry blamire, Screaming Forehead on November 29, 2012 by knifefighter

TRANSMISSIONS TO EARTH Presents

TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD (2007)
Movie Review by L.L. Soares

Some of our regular readers might recognize the name Larry Blamire. He’s the guy who gave us such hilarious movies as THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA (2001), THE LOST SKELETON RETURNS AGAIN (2009) and DARK AND STORMY NIGHT (also 2009). The original LOST SKELETON was probably enough to secure him a place in the Campy Movie Hall of Fame. A lot of people try to recreate the silly science fiction movies of the 1950s, and a lot of them use the whole “wink wink” style of humor that grates on my nerves. Blamire actually gets it right. He has amazing actors in his stuff who play it completely straight, and tons of in-jokes and dialogue that shows he’s a true fan of the genre he’s spoofing. No labored laughs here. Every laugh you get from a Blamire movie is earned. And if you love old Roger Corman monster flicks, then I can’t recommend Blamire highly enough.

TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD (2007) is a movie I’ve wanted to see for years. Ever since artist Cortney Skinner (who created the terrific animated opening credits sequence) showed us a few scenes at a convention, I’ve been convinced this might just be Blamire’s masterpiece. Imagine my glee while scanning cable OnDemand recently and finding the movie for free on the FearNet channel? I finally got to watch the entire film. And I wasn’t disappointed.

What’s the plot? Well, it’s an alien invasion, folks. Except this time around, it’s not dudes with big heads and long fingers. This time, it’s foreheads. Yeah, you heard me right. Slabs of skin that inch around like inchworms and if they attach themselves to your forehead, then you’re their slave! The first victim we see is Amos (Daniel Roebuck), who runs a bed and breakfast place with his wife Sarah (Susan McConnell). Amos seems a little goofy in the head to begin with, so people don’t notice right away when he starts acting funny, and has a strange, oversized forehead. From here, the alien parasite looks for new victims to infect with its brethren.

Meanwhile, at the Institute For Brain Studying, Dr. Sheila Baxter (Fay Masterson) announces that she has discovered that human intellect does not reside in the brain, as everyone has thought, but that is actually originates in the human forehead! Her colleagues, especially her boss Dr. Applethorpe (H.M. Wynant) laugh at her research, and Dr. Applethorpe threatens to fire her once her grant expires. But Dr. Philip Latham (Andrew Parks) stands by her, eager to help her prove her theory (actually, he’s probably more interested in being her sweetheart), even if it means becoming a human guinea pig. Dr. Latham agrees to let her begin a series of injections that will increase his level of a newly discovered hormone called foreheadazine to alarming rates.

Meanwhile, two seasoned seamen on leave decide to spend some time in town. They’re curious sorts. One is Big Dan Frater (Brian Howe), and the other is his sidekick Dutch “the Swede” Annacrombie (Dan Conroy). They’re the first ones to notice something odd is going on, when they book themselves into the bed and breakfast run by Amos and Sarah. Other residents at the inn include a librarian that Dutch gets sweet on named Millie Healey (Alison Martin), and the aforementioned Dr. Applethorpe (!). As more and more people start acting oddly, Dan and Dutch are determined to solve the mystery.

Also part of the picture are Nick Vassidine (Larry Blamire), a con man looking for an easy score, and his girlfriend Droxy Chapelle (Jennifer Blaire), who perpetually hang out at a dive bar where the bartender is Roger Corman regular (and B-movie icon) Dick Miller (who was the star of Corman’s A BUCKET OF BLOOD, 1959 and had smaller roles in dozens of others, including the original version of THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, 1960)!

Also along for the ride as locals who get “possessed” by the aliens are a couple of familiar faces: Betty Garrett (who you might remember from 70s shows like ALL IN THE FAMILY and LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY) as Mrs. Cuttie and James Karen (TV and movie actor since the 60s, who you might have seen in such movies as FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACE MONSTER, 1965, Tobe Hooper’s remake of INVADERS FROM MARS, 1986, and David Lynch’s MULLHOLLAND DRIVE, 2011, as well as TV shows like DESIGNING WOMEN and THE GOLDEN GIRLS). There’s even a cameo by Kevin McCarthy from the original INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956)!

So, while the alien foreheads continue unveiling their insidious plan to take over Earth, and Dan, Dutch and Millie seek to expose their actions, Dr. Baxter continues injecting Dr. Latham with foreheadazine, which makes his forehead bigger and bigger, until his entire head becomes one gigantic forehead and he acquires amazing mental powers!

Will Dr. Latham use his newfound powers to defeat the aliens? Well, for the answer to that, you’ll have to see TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD! And if you do, chances are you’ll laugh as much as you gasp in awe at this tale of scientific horror!

I think the reason why Blamire’s movies work so well is because they have a strong sense of the innocence of the time period he is trying to emulate. Nobody does “homages” to goofy 1950s sci-fi flicks like he does. He is the undisputed king of this kind of stuff, and you can’t go wrong with his highly enjoyable (and very funny) films. And, right now, I think TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD might just be my favorite of his movies. I hope it gets a proper US release on DVD soon!

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Pickin’ the Carcass: WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US (2012)

Posted in 2012, Bad Acting, CGI, Michael Arruda Reviews, Monsters, Pickin' the Carcass, Straight to Video, Werewolf Movies, Werewolves with tags Beast Among Us, Ed Quinn, Guy Wilson, Louis Morneau, Stephen Rea, Steven Bauer, werewolf on November 23, 2012 by knifefighter

Pickin’ the Carcass:
WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US (2012)
By Michael Arruda

WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US (2012) is a direct-to-video release. No surprise then that we’re not talking “must-see horror” here. Still, the film’s not a total loss. I’m always up for an old-fashioned monster movie, and since this is the story of a murderous werewolf on the prowl, there were things I liked about it.

In WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US, a 19^th century village—we never learn where—is terrorized by a werewolf. A group of expert werewolf hunters led by a guy named Charles (Ed Quinn), who looks and sounds as if he just left the Alamo, descend upon the village to hunt down the vicious beast.

The hunters are aided by a young man, Daniel (Guy Wilson), who works as an assistant to the village doctor (Stephen Rea). Daniel is mostly interested in hunting down the werewolf in order to protect his girlfriend, Eva (Rachel DiPillo). These hunters spend a lot of time setting elaborate werewolf traps in the woods, whereas they might have been better served interviewing the locals, since werewolves, after all, are people when the moon isn’t full.

Anyway, this is one of those movies where we don’t know who the werewolf is at first, but then, when they make the revelation, the werewolf turns out to be—well, I won’t give it away, but I will say that it’s not much of a surprise.

There are the obligatory battles between the hunters and the werewolf, and there’s even—in the film’s lowest point for me—a vampire who shows up to join in on the fun. He should have stayed home.

Released by Universal, WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US (2012)tries to capture the feel of the old Universal monster movies. It fails, mostly because its script isn’t strong enough to recapture the mood of those golden oldies. It’s not a total disaster. In terms of more recent movies, it’s better than VAN HELSING (2004), but it’s nowhere near as good as THE WOLFMAN (2010) remake.

The story itself is likeable enough, but the screenplay by Michael Tabb, Catherine Cyran, and director Louis Morneau, has too many problems for it to be successful. For starters, the story presents us with a wild group of eclectic werewolf hunters. These guys should dominate this movie, but they don’t. They’re not fleshed out at all, which is a shame, because they could have had a Marvel AVENGERS thing going. Instead, they’re just a bunch of folks with different weapons, aiming to kill a werewolf.

One of the hunters I did like, Kazia (Ana Ularu), the only woman hunter of the group, isn’t in the movie enough to make that much of a difference.

The dialogue is pretty awful. It shouldn’t be assumed that it’s okay for a monster movie to have forced, cliché-ridden dialogue. Had this movie enjoyed some realistic dialogue, it could have been taken seriously.

Director Louis Morneau does a nice job making this movie look polished and slick, but on the other hand, it’s in desperate need of some memorable scenes. WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US definitely lacks an identity.

And for the majority of the werewolf scenes, Morneau uses a CGI werewolf. Nuff said about that!

There’s actually some decent blood and gore in this one, some of it not that fake-looking. I was almost impressed.

The cast was OK. Stephen Rea is fine as Doc for most of the movie, but sadly, in the film’s conclusion, he’s given some of the worst dialogue in the entire film, when he gets to talk to the werewolf, saying things like, “Kill her!” and “If you don’t, I will!”

Ed Quinn is okay as Charles, the lead werewolf hunter, even though he sounds like he belongs in a western. Guy Wilson as young Daniel, who’s really the central character in this movie, runs hot and cold. In certain scenes, he’s fine, but in others, especially where he has to display emotion, not so much. The same can be said for Rachel DiPillo as his girlfriend, Eva.

Again, I did like Ana Ularu as werewolf hunter Kazia, and I wish she were in the movie more.

I’m a sucker for monster movies, and since this one’s not awful, I didn’t hate it. I just kept hoping—pleading, really—that it would be better.

I kept thinking, why didn’t they work more on the script? Why not write an “A” script for a monster movie? This movie would have rocked with a stronger script! Why settle for less? A little thought would have gone a long way in making WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US more interesting.

For example, we have this group of werewolf hunters coming into town. Why? Why are they killing werewolves? Are they doing it just for kicks? Do they get their jollies killing werewolves? Where did they come from? How did they get together? And if they’re not doing it for fun, then they must be doing it for money. Who in the village is paying them? Simple details like this build strong stories. Are these hunters like THE SEVEN SAMARAI? What’s their story?

WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US also lacks a strong werewolf. Werewolves make for interesting characters. They are full of conflict. Just ask Larry Talbot. But this movie doesn’t offer us any one like Talbot. The story tries but never gets beyond the superficial. It never gets inside the werewolf’s head.

All of this is too bad, because WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US looks great and features an old-fashioned monster story that, with just a little more care behind it, could have been a lot better. As it stands, WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US is merely a minor, mediocre monster movie that never burns as bright as a full moon should.

I give it two knives.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US ~ two knives!

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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: SCORPION THUNDERBOLT (1988)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 1980s Movies, 2012, Action Movies, B-Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Campy Movies, Exotic Locales, Just Plain Fun, Just Plain Weird, Kung Fu!, Monsters, William Carl Articles, Witches with tags Bizarre, Campy, FUN, Godfrey Ho, Kung Fu, Richard Harrison, Scorpion Thunderboit, Snake Man on November 22, 2012 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou
By William D. Carl
This week’s feature presentation:
SCORPION THUNDERBOLT (1988)

Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you, so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.

Godfrey Ho’s name rings out on the landscape of bad cinema like Gabby Hayes’s triangular dinner bell in one of John Ford’s Westerns – loud, annoying, and, when you get closer, stinking to high heaven. He is a “master” of cinematic mash-ups, where several partially shot movies are combined with newly shot footage, then unleashed on an unsuspecting public. Al Adamson was the original director who favored this method, giving viewers such gems as HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS (1970), DOCTOR DRACULA (1978), and BLOOD OF GHASTLY HORROR (1972). In this new era of literary mash-ups, we’ve been offered classics by Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte with new writing featuring SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SEA MONSTERS, LITTLE WOMEN WITH WEREWOLVES, and my new favorite, Ayn Rand’s ATLAS SHRUGGED WITH DEMOCRATS. (Please don’t ask your local bookseller for this made-up title; they will punch you in the neck). Godfrey Ho made his living off movie mash-ups. In fact, the writer credited on most of his movies is AAV Creative unit, a conglomeration of Ho and his pals. I think they had fifty words or so, and they combined them in different ways to get titles. How else do you explain COBRA VS NINJA (1987), HITMAN THE COBRA (1987), INFERNO THUNDERBOLT (1986), and today’s messed-up, mashed-together SCORPION THUNDERBOLT (1988), which features neither a scorpion nor any kind of thunderbolt. It does, however have witches, snake men, boobies galore, Richard Harrison as himself, hitchhiking assassins, and more nonsense than you can shake a MAJESTIC THUNDERBOLT (1985) at.

Our story (excuse me while I have a laughing fit) begins in an unknown Asian city where a blind man plays his flute in a creepy way, and a witch with some seriously long fingernails works some sort of spell, and a young woman works in an office. The young woman is drawn by either the flute player or the witch, who is spanking several slices of bread on a table as someone plays voodoo drums , and she goes outside, where she is promptly assaulted by a man wearing makeup and flowers in his hair. Then, some kind of snake thing attacks her, and, I guess, kills her, as the police suddenly appear to investigate her gory murder. A young female reporter/photographer, Helen Hughes, pushes her way into the crime scene and takes pictures of the woman’s wounds, while the blind flute player lurks in the shadows.

The police have a meeting about the fourteen women who have been murdered, and one group decides to show a monster mask they figure will match the teeth marks on the body – a big snake man/sperm cell creature.

Helen Hughes gets a phone call while she’s jazzercising that says they have caught the murderer. Cut to a crowd attacking a crazy man who acts like Jerry Lewis. He climbs a tree and throws nuts at the doctors trying to get him to an asylum. Helen offers him a kitty to eat, and he falls for it. The docs throw a big net on him and they take him away. Suddenly, a witch with long silvery fingernails is playing with snakes and eels while weird Theremin music plays (Jean Michel Jarre’s Oxygene!). She orders her minions to find Richard Harrison and bring her his ring.

A hatchet-faced hitchhiking woman flashes Richard on the freeway, and he picks her up. She says she’s an actress, and he wants to see her newest movie. Luckily, the studio is open, and she gets him into a viewing booth where they see her newest opus, which mostly entails her being tied up and body-painted by a tiny Asian man. “I’ve got to admit,” Richard Harrison says. “You’ve got f****ing talent!” Oh, Richard…how you have fallen! This is even worse than EVIL SPAWN (1987). Then again, Harrison made more than ten of these Godfrey Ho movies, so he had to know what he was getting into. Suddenly, the hitcher is stripped naked, and they have sex in front of the movie, which is still playing the same scene, until she vomits orange and dies on top of him. He screams, “Who sent you?” She does not answer. She is dead, Richard.

A young couple, Inspector Lee and his police-woman girlfriend (where did they come from?), are victims of a home invasion of a man Lee put away years ago. Now, he’s out of jail and tying up the girlfriend and cutting off her clothes while laughing like Dwight Frye. He injects her with something and the doorbell rings. Inspector Lee breaks loose and a karate fight ensues while the woman hangs bleeding and naked and tripping like crazy, man. Helen is at the door (how does she even know these cops?), and she cuts the policewoman down while the blind flute player plays his music outside. And there goes the witch with her Theremin music again as the karate battle moves outside.

RIchard Harrison – Master of Kung Fu!

Three girls in an apartment are watching it through their window. When the fighters move away, the girls dance wildly to disco music (which sounds suspiciously like Midnight Starr!) while disco lights throb. Then, a rubber-suited snake man appears and kills them all. I think we just moved into a different movie. One with a particularly awful man in a suit monster, so bad that they had to Vaseline the lens up before showing the creature.

Then, we’re at a totally different place with Helen who has cats thrown at her by production assistants. She has a weird friend who has invaded her house. She throws a birthday cake in his face, and he tries to rape her. Flashback to the happy(?) couple frolicking on beaches to bad electronic music. Wait, that friend is Inspector Lee. How long have they known each other? What the . . . oh never mind.

And there’s that damn flute player again, playing in a street full of prostitutes. In a nearby building, more girls are discovered killed by the monster. When the cops arrive, the hookers scatter like roaches when the light is turned on. It’s Inspector Lee (I hope his girlfriend’s all right…nobody said anything). It seems a woman has been tied up spread-eagled on the floor while a drunken ex-boyfriend shoots pool balls into her vajayjay. Who are these people? No idea. But there’s Helen, untying the poor pool table chick.

Anyone for pool?

And now, we’re in a real disco where lots of people dance, the witch works her spells in her place, and Richard Harrison is attacked by his plumber while he’s doing shirtless push-ups! Even sweaty, he can karate chop this guy into oblivion. “Who sent you? Tell me!” The guy dies, I guess.

Next, inspector Lee takes Helen out to the woods shooting small adorable animals like bunnies! They play cute for a while, falling in love in a bad montage of hunting and fishing. Yep, that’s romance in a Godfrey Ho flick, people. They are attacked by a ninja (probably from some other movie), but it’s really their criminal who got away going after Lee again. How did he find them all the way out in the woods?

On their way back to the city, their car fills up with snakes. They don’t notice at all, even when the little creatures are crawling all over them. Lee reacts by admitting the snakes killed the car’s brakes and they crash into a culvert. Luckily, snakes hate upside down cars, and Helen and Lee escape.

The blind flute player is interviewed on TV, and it turns out he is a night watchman (wait a minute! How good can he be when he can’t even watch at all?) Lee and Helen go to a sleazy hotel, where she freaks out in the hot springs and the snake monster is back in all his rubbery glory, tearing up the wait staff and other hot springs victims. Obviously, the witch is controlling the eight foot tall snake man. And now, Helen has disappeared! Oh no, there she is on the bed, but she looks totally psychotic.

More assassins attack Richard Harrison for his ring. He never seems to be wearing a shirt, and he seems to be just extraneous footage, nothing to do with the other plotlines . . . like the snake man and Helen and Lee and the escaped convict or the witch. How many movies did Ho use in this one?

The cops reveal their model of the snake man!

And we’ve only hit the halfway point, folks! Before the movie’s over, we’ll get Richard Harrison consulting his kung-fu master, a vampire witch in a red castle who is “thoroughly evil,” a golden sword and a mystical mirror, a fabulous confession scene, the Prince of Snakes vs. a family of redneck snake killers, some revolting mondo footage, some soft core outdoor sex scenes including snake sex, fingernail stabbings at orgies, a blue-haired ninja, and, yes, a kitchen sink scene! And just what the heck does the blind night watchman have to do with anything and how’d he get up in that tree?

Does any of this make a lick of sense? Nope. Is any of it boring for even one second? Oh, hell no! This is one of the best flicks I have ever seen to show to a group of drinking buddies to prove how fun a lousy movie can be. You ain’t seen nothing till you see a breastfeeding baby turn into a snake creature and chow down on Mommy. Or Richard Harrison snapping thrift store ninja necks to electronic dance music. Or an eight foot rubber snake monster flying through the tree tops attacking the entire police force. And the final music during the end battle is stolen from the last scenes of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)!

It seems Godfrey Ho pasted together pieces of a Taiwanese film, GRUDGE OF THE SLEEPWALKING WOMAN (1983) with another kung-fu flick and new scenes with Richard Harrison. In the process, he created one of the wackiest movies ever to shoot its stain upon a drive-in movie screen. The tone shifts constantly, from high camp humor to gory killings to sexy rom-com to violent kung-fu chaos, all atrociously dubbed. Just after his hitchhiking trick pukes orange Julius on him, Richard Harrison asks, “What the hell does it mean?” I couldn’t agree more!

Now, I need to watch more Godfrey Ho fiascos. Maybe, ROBO-KICKBOXER (1992) or NINJA DEMON’S MASSACRE (1988) or THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT (1988) or NINJA THUNDERBOLT (1984).

For normal people, I give SCORPION THUNDERBOLT one snake monster out of four.

For sick souls like us, I give it three and a half shirtless Richard Harrisons out of four.

Unbelievable!

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Archive for the Monsters Category

Transmissions to Earth: THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977)

GHOUL (2012)

Me and Lil’ Stevie: CREEPSHOW II (1987)

Pickin’ the Carcass Visits THE RIG (2010)

JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)

Me and Lil’ Stevie work the GRAVEYARD SHIFT (1990)

Cinema Knife Fight’s Monstrous Question: BEST ACTOR/ACTRESS WHO NEVER MADE IT

Trainsmissions to Earth: THE TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD (2007)

Pickin’ the Carcass: WEREWOLF: THE BEAST AMONG US (2012)

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: SCORPION THUNDERBOLT (1988)

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