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FAREWELL TO RAY HARRYHAUSEN

Posted in 1950s Sci-Fi Films, 2013, 60s Movies, Giant Monsters, LL Soares Reviews, Michael Arruda Reviews, Mythology, Obituaries and Appreciations, Special Effects with tags argonauts, Harryhausen, sinbad, special effects, stop-motion, ymir on May 14, 2013 by knifefighter

(The following tribute to Ray Harryhausen is appearing both on my blog and here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.—Michael Arruda)

A Tribute to RAY HARRYHAUSEN
By Michael Arruda

Special effects master Ray Harryhausen with some of his creations.

Ray Harryhausen, the greatest stop-motion animator in the history of motion pictures, passed away on Tuesday, May 7, 2013. He was 92.

I had the pleasure of meeting Harryhausen at a convention in the late 1990s, and the thing I remember most about the experience—besides the fact that he was a classy guy and that he brought many of his miniature creature models with him—was Harryhausen’s love for telling stories. It wasn’t just about the special effects with Harryhausen. It was about the story. It was important for him that his creatures lived in a world that seemed real yet magical at the same time. On the movies that Harryhausen worked, much time was spent hammering out background stories, imaginative settings, and exciting conflicts.

Harryhausen’s genius wasn’t only that he was a master of stop-motion animation effects, but that the creatures he created using these effects lived and breathed in stories that were as memorable as the creatures themselves. Of course, it helped that he was a master animator. His movie creations are like no others. He gave them sculpted bodies, facial expressions and incredible movement, bringing them to life long before CGI technology.

To watch a movie with special effects by Ray Harryhausen is to enter another world.

From MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949), the first major movie he worked on, under the direction of his teacher and mentor, King Kong creator Willis O’Brien, to CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981), Ray Harryhausen’s movie magic has no equal. O’Brien may have created the most memorable stop-motion effects ever in KING KONG (1933), but by sheer volume alone, Harryhausen is king. He dominated the special effects scene from the 1950s through the 1970s, and during these decades, no one else came close to achieving the consistency and quality of stop-motion animation effects. Simply put, he was the best at it.

Harryhausen working on the model for MIGHT JOE YOUNG (1949)

And the argument can be made that in a couple of his films his animation rivals O’Brien’s work in KING KONG, in films like THE 7^TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958) (arguably his best), and JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1962). The sword fight between Jason and his men and the army of skeletons in JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS is one of the most exciting and ambitious stop-motion effects sequences ever put on film.

Here’s a partial look at Harryhausen’s movies:

—MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949)—Other than Kong, Joe is the most remarkable giant ape in the movies. The fiery climax, in which Joe rescues children from burning building, is must-see cinema!

—THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) —rivals GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS! (1956) as one of the scariest prehistoric-beasts-on-the-loose movies ever. Memorable conclusion involving Coney Island roller coaster. That’s Lee Van Cleef as the marksman at the end taking aim at the monster.

—IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955)

—EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS (1956) —Ray Harryhausen destroys Washington D.C.! See his alien spaceships attack the nation’s capital!

—20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957) —Attack of the Ymir! Yep, that extraordinary monster from Venus is one of my favorite Ray Harryhausen creations. The Ymir was unnamed in the movie, and only picked up the name “Ymir” later from fans.

—THE 7^TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958) —My pick for the best Ray Harryhausen movie of all time. It contains his finest special effects, one of his most memorable creations, the Cyclops, it’s briskly directed by Nathan Juran, has a phenomenal villainous performance by Torin Thatcher as Sokurah, the magician, and a rousing music score by Bernard Herrmann.

The Cyclops from THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958)

—MYSTERIOUS ISLAND (1961) —That animated crab is the real thing! Harryhausen used a real crab in the giant crab sequence, animating it like one of his models.

-JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1963) —My second favorite Ray Harryhausen movie. The sword fight with the skeletons is spectacular!

-FIRST MEN IN THE MOON (1964) —I’ve always loved this story by HG Wells, and Harryhausen’s effects here don’t disappoint.

—ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. (1966) —Harryhausen joins the Hammer Films family and animates dinosaurs that chase scantily clad Raquel Welch in this Hammer prehistoric adventure.

—THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969) —in the subgenre of horror westerns, this film ranks among the best.

—THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1974) —Harryhausen’s follow-up to THE 7^TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD is nearly as good and contains some of Harryhausen’s best special effects, including a great sword fight between Sinbad and the goddess Kali.

Sinbad vs Kali. One of the best scenes in 1974′s THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD.

—SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER (1977) —Released the same year as STAR WARS (1977) it was criticized for having outdated special effects. Suddenly, Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion animation was passé.

—CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981) —Harryhausen’s last feature, one of my least favorites, yet still features some fine moments, including a very creepy Medusa sequence.

In my family, we all know who Ray Harryhausen is, but it pains me that Ray Harryhausen is not a household name. He should be.

For me, there are few moviemakers who have been as influential as Ray Harryhausen. The movies he’s worked on have been some of the most imaginative innovative creative films I have ever seen. They are the real deal. Movies that captivate fascinate and entertain.

To watch a Ray Harryhausen movie is to arouse your imagination.

Ray Harryhausen, the master of stop-motion animation, maker of movie monsters and fantasy worlds, of movies that will live in imaginations for years to come, thank you for sharing your genius with the world.

You will be missed.

*****

RAY HARRYHAUSEN: SOME AFTERTHOUGHTS
By L.L. Soares

Harryhausen was one of the best. CGI may have made his style of effects seem outdated and quaint, but it wouldn’t exist without his pioneering stop-motion process. Back when it took incredible amounts of time and effort to create even a few minutes of film, Harryhausen had incredible reserves of patience and talent.

The cool thing about Ray Harryhausen was not that he just did effects, but that most of the movies he worked on REVOLVED AROUND his effects. How often did that happen, where the special effects guy was the dominant figure in movies? And not just flimsy plots to keep the action going, but decent storylines, that made his creations shine.

Michael has touched upon some of the highlights. I’d like to give my personal take on these as well.

—THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) —I remember seeing this one as a kid and being blown away by it. Harryhausen’s dinosaur on the loose was remarkable and effective, especially to a child’s eyes. And this one featured a rare collaboration between the two Rays – Harryhausen and Bradbury – as the movie was based on Bradbury’s story, “The Foghorn.”

—IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955) —This was one of my favorites, involving a gigantic octopus that rose from the ocean depths to cause havoc on the surface world of humans. The way the octopus moved was uncanny, and convincing. A really underrated entry in the 1950s “giant animals” genre.

The giant octopus from IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955)

—EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS (1956) —Sure, it might look a little dated now, but it also is immediately recognizable as the work of Harryhausen. I still think that ten minutes of this movie is more visually interesting than all of the similarly themed INDEPENDENCE DAY(1996)

—20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957) – My favorite Harryhausen film. I loved the story that this movie told, as well as the monster at its heart. The Ymir was a vaguely humanoid, prehistoric-looking creature from the planet Venus. In this one, Harryhausen made us care about the monster, and believe in him. The scene where the confused Ymir fights an escape elephant remains a classic.

The “Ymir,” one of Harryhausen’s best creatures, from 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957)

—THE 7^TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958) —I remember seeing stills from this one in issues of FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND magazine, and hoped I’d finally get to see it for real. Back when I was a kid, a lot of these movies showed up on television, but you never knew where or when. It wasn’t like video and Netflix where you just call it up and watch it. It was a crapshoot. I remember watching this movie on a Saturday afternoon on a tiny black and white television, with fuzzy reception, and being astounded by it. The amazing Cyclops became one of my favorite fantasy movie creatures, as well as the two-headed giant bird, the Roc.

—JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1963) —Like Michael, this is my second favorite Ray Harryhausen movie, too. It didn’t have the heart of a creature like the Ymir, but it featured some of Ray’s most iconic effects. The sword fight with the skeletons might just be Harryhausen’s most memorable scene ever. I bet this one influenced a whole generation who would grow up to give us the computer effects that replaced it. But this movie had to come first.

The unforgettable battle with the skeletons from JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1963)

—ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. (1966) —Sure it makes no sense historically; dinosaurs and cavemen never existed at the same time—but this one is a classic, and was a pretty big hit at the time. The cool-looking dinosaurs almost diverted my attention away from the curves of star Raquel Welch. Almost.

—THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969) – Long before COWBOYS AND ALIENS (2011), there was this classic “Cowboys and Dinosaurs” film. Cowboys lassoing a Tyrannosaurus Rex never looked so good.

—THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1974) —I think I liked the story of this one even more than THE 7^TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD. Not only did it feature such amazing creatures as the flying homunculus and the living ship’s figurehead, as well as the amazing Centaur and the Griffin (their fight is legendary), but it also starred such genre legends as the beautiful Caroline Munro and, arguably the best Dr. Who ever, Tom Baker, as the villain. The sword fight between multi-armed Kali and Sinbad is my favorite scene though, and is almost as iconic as the skeleton sword fight in JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS.

—SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER (1977) —Starring John Wayne’s son Patrick as Sinbad and another former Dr. Who, Patrick Troughton. It also features such Harryhausen creatures as the Troglodyte (a giant, fur-covered caveman with a horn on his head), a sabre-toothed tiger and a giant walrus. The Troglodyte model Harryhausen used for this one was used again (with slight changes) as Calibos in Harryhausen’s last feature, CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981).

Harryhausen was one of a kind. And as Michael said, he will definitely be missed by fans of science fiction and fantasy cinema.

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Pickin’ the Carcass: THE PACT (2012)

Posted in 2013, Family Secrets, Ghosts!, Haunted Houses, Horror, Indie Horror, Michael Arruda Reviews, Pickin' the Carcass, Psychic Powers with tags Agnes Bruckner, Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien, ghosts, Haley Hudson, haunted house, Nicholas McCarthy, The Pact on May 8, 2013 by knifefighter

PICKIN’ THE CARCASS: THE PACT (2012)
By Michael Arruda

Welcome to PICKIN’ THE CARCASS, that column where we scour the countryside looking for horror movie gems which, for one reason or other, we missed the first time around. Sadly, there’s usually a good reason we miss these flicks during their first run, but lately I’ve had some luck as I’ve caught films that I’ve actually enjoyed.

The subject of today’s column, THE PACT (2012) ,gets off to such a strong start and features such likable performances, I found myself forgiving all the problems its plot runs into later on.

THE PACT, now available on Streaming Video, opens with a young woman, Nichole (Agnes Bruckner), on the phone trying to convince her sister that she needs to return home to attend their mother’s funeral, but her sister says no, that she hasn’t forgiven their mother for all the awful things she did to them.

Nichole is alone in her deceased mom’s home, and shortly after hearing some strange noises and feeling an unseen presence behind her, she decides to Skype her young daughter who’s with a babysitter. In the middle of the conversation, her young daughter asks, “Mommy, who’s that standing behind you?” Yikes!

Nichole’s sister, Annie (Caity Lotz), changes her mind about skipping her mom’s funeral, and she arrives at her mom’s house to find that her sister has disappeared. Annie’s cousin, Liz (Kathleen Rose Perkins), had been babysitting Nichole’s young daughter, and after the funeral, they all stay overnight at Annie’s mom’s house while they try to figure out what happened to Nichole. That night, there are more eerie noises and strange going’s on, and Liz disappears.

Annie goes to the police, and since there is evidence of a struggle, she finds herself a suspect in both disappearances. A local police officer, Bill Creek (Casper Van Dien), takes an interest in her case and offers to help her. However, Annie suspects the real threat is a supernatural one, and so she turns to a medium, Stevie (Haley Hudson), who comes to the house with her assistant, Giles (Sam Ball).

Annie, Stevie, and Giles encounter more weird happenings inside the house and discover a secret room hidden behind the walls of the home. Stevie is able to shed some light on the entity inside the house and provides Annie with some important clues regarding the whereabouts of Nichole and Liz. But the biggest discovery comes later, when Annie realizes the threat against her and her family isn’t just a paranormal one.

There’s a lot to like about THE PACT, from its story, which is more than just a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY rehash, to its strong acting performances, to a bang up directorial effort by writer/director Nicholas McCarthy.

THE PACT contains a lot of cool scenes and provides some neat images, like the creepy man sobbing on the edge of a bed. There are some violent sequences as well, including a gruesome stabbing scene, and the gore looks real. There’s no CGI blood in sight.

The film opens in such spine-chilling fashion, the unsettling feeling it instills at the outset remained with me throughout. When Nichole finds herself alone in her mother’s house, the film resembles the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and does so again when the sinister force inside the house abducts Liz. But the fun part here is that there’s more to this story than just evil spirits. On the other hand, the details don’t always make sense, and this comes back to bite the film later.

The cast is excellent. Caity Lotz is terrific as Annie. She’s feisty, strong, and very sexy. She makes a formidable adversary for the threats which occupy her mom’s house. Casper Van Dien is also very good as Bill Creek, the police officer who helps Annie investigate her sister’s disappearance. Their scenes together are particularly enjoyable to watch as they share some nice onscreen chemistry.

Agnes Bruckner makes the most of her brief screen time as Nichole, and Kathleen Rose Perkins is also excellent as Annie’s cousin Liz.

But my favorite supporting performance belongs to Haley Hudson as the medium Stevie. The first time we meet her, she’s in this oddball household full of unceasing background noise, as TVs and rock music blare constantly. She’s quirky yet sincere, and so she comes off as very believable. And Sam Ball is nearly as good as Stevie’s friend and assistant Giles, who’s just as peculiar as she is.

And THE PACT packs some serious eye candy. Caity Lotz is striking and spends much of the movie in short shorts and sexy T-shirts. The other three actresses, Agnes Bruckner, Kathleen Rose Perkins, and Haley Hudson, are just as stunning.

And if you’re a female viewer, you’ve got Casper Van Dien and Sam Ball, two very good looking actors. This flick is very easy on the eyes.

I liked that the story aimed high and tried to be more than just your typical paranormal entity tale. It gets an A for effort. Where it falters is in the details.

For instance, at one point in the movie, the ghost physically attacks Annie, which I’m not sure ghosts can do, but this raises a question about the entire premise of the movie. If this ghost can physically attack human beings, then in light of what the film reveals later on, the question has to be asked, why didn’t the ghost simply tackle the other threat in the story on its own? Why did it need a human being’s help?

I also didn’t like the very ending of the movie. For it to make sense, one would have to surmise that there is yet another threat inside the house not revealed in the movie. I found this notion difficult to swallow. As it stands now, it plays like one of those endings where something creepy is added on simply to give the film an eerie conclusion, as opposed to a logical progression of the story.

Overall, once the movie starts putting the pieces of its puzzle together, it does so with too much obscurity, and so instead of sitting back and enjoying the ride, I found myself asking a lot of questions, which ultimately got in the way of my enjoying the movie. What really becomes of Nichole and Liz? You pretty much know, but you don’t really know. What does the “pact” from the title refer to? I can guess, but I’d rather know. Just how abusive was Annie’s and Nichole’s mother? What about that creepy hidden room in the middle of the house? How come no one ever noticed it before? And just how much did Annie’s mother know about what was going on inside her house?

I would have enjoyed the movie more if its second half provided clearer answers.

So, ultimately, the screenplay by director Nicholas McCarthy is a mixed bag. It provides a compelling story, but it doesn’t always make good on getting the details right. But it gets the scares right, and on that note, THE PACT delivers.

I give it two and a half knives.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE PACT ~ two and a half knives!

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SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013)

Posted in 2013, Cinema Knife Fights, Comedies, Garbage, Just Plain Bad, Michael Arruda Reviews, Spoofs with tags Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Just Plain Bad, Lindsay Lohan, Scary Movie 5 on April 15, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013)
By Michael Arruda

(THE SCENE: A cabin in the woods. MICHAEL ARRUDA walks through the interior, inspecting the bloody carnage from some horrifying incident. Blood is spattered on the walls, severed body parts are strewn about the floor, and the room is littered with busted and broken furniture.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA (looking things over): I guess I’m too late for THE HANGOVER PART III cast party! Wow, it must have been quite the shindig! Hey look! (picks up a small white object.) It’s one of Stu’s teeth.

Anyway, as much as I’d like to be reviewing THE HANGOVER PART III today, I’m not.

Nope, I’m here today in this cabin in the woods because I’m reviewing that sorry excuse for a comedy, SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013).

(Picks up a severed arm.)

This arm is funnier than anything you’ll see in SCARY MOVIE 5.

(A severed head on the floor suddenly frowns.)

HEAD: But that arm’s not funny at all!

MA: My point exactly. (looks around cabin)

I sure have been spending a lot of time here lately, in this cabin in the woods. L.L. SOARES and I were just here last week reviewing the EVIL DEAD remake, and I’m back here again for today’s review. I wish I were here under better circumstances.

HEAD: I’m glad you’re here. I could use the company.

MA (to HEAD): So, what happened here, anyway? Things must have gotten violent.

HEAD: Why do you say that?

MA: Well, for starters, you’re missing your body!

HEAD: Oh, I’ve been without my body for years. I arrived here this way.

MA: You did?

HEAD: Yeah, someone at the party said they wanted a little head. (Drum beat) So, here I am!

MA: On that note, I should get started on today’s review. We’ll talk more later.

HEAD: I’ll be right here. It’s not like I can leave.

MA: Anyway, I’m here in this cabin because today’s movie, SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013) involves a place just like this, although strangely, one of the movies it didn’t spoof, was the aptly titled THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011).

I’m flying solo this week, as L.L. Soares is off on another assignment—which is code for “I’m not seeing that f—cking lame ass movie so do it yourself Arruda!” —so here I am, facing the dubious task of bringing you today’s review of SCARY MOVIE 5.

Here goes: as if you didn’t already know, SCARY MOVIE 5 sucks. Don’t see it.

Okay, you can go home now.

HEAD: Are you leaving already? Because if you are, would you mind giving me a lift to the closest bus station?

MA: No, I’m not leaving already. That was just a joke.

Even SCARY MOVIE 5 deserves an honest review.

HEAD: Okay, but when you do leave, can you take me to that bus station?

MA: Sure.

HEAD: I know it’s early, but I’d like to get a head start on the traffic.

MA: Stop, all right? Just stop.

Now, where was I? Yes, the review.

Seriously, unless you’re a diehard fan of the series, and I’m sure there is one of you out there, you have no business seeing this movie. Avoid it like the plague. But you’re smart enough to already know that.

What’s the best part about SCARY MOVIE 5? That Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan only appear in one scene, and it’s the pre-credit sequence. You get them out of the way quickly.

Not that I have anything against Sheen or Lohan, but it’s obvious that they’re only in this movie to exploit their real life personal problems, which I find sad. Keep your personal lives out of the movies, thank you very much!

Unfortunately, what follows after Sheen and Lohan isn’t much better.

SCARY MOVIE 5 spoofs a bunch of horror movies, obviously, and it uses as its framework the recent horror film MAMA (2013) as a young married couple Dan (Simon Rex) and Jody (Ashley Tisdale) agree to take care of Dan’s brother’s kids after they were found abandoned in a cabin in the woods.

So, that’s the framework for this one, but to say that this movie has a plot is saying a lot.

I will say that the scene where Snoop Dog and his buddy first discover the little girls in the cabin is a funny one, and one of the few times I laughed.

HEAD: I liked that scene, too.

MA: So, you saw the movie?

HEAD: What? You think I’m not allowed into movie theaters or something?

MA: I didn’t say that.

HEAD: Of course, I do go early, so I can be at the head of the line.

MA (groans): Enough! You’re giving me a headache.

HEAD: You said that one.

MA: Moving right along—.

In addition to MAMA, the film pokes fun at the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies, and the jokes here are some of the worst. Most involve the overweight housekeeper, in gags that are tasteless and vulgar. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind tasteless and vulgar jokes, but they have to make me laugh. These didn’t.

The film strangely parodies RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011) as Dan’s day job is to work with Caesar and his fellow apes. These scenes were the most disappointing of all. The material here is ripe for laughter, and yet time and time again, the writers drop the ball.

While Dan is busy training Caesar, Jody trains to be a ballerina in scenes spoofing BLACK SWAN (2010), in yet another series of scenes that constantly misfire.

There’s even a pointless sequence lampooning INCEPTION (2010) which seems out of place here and is about as funny as the real movie.

HEAD: Was INCEPTION a comedy?

MA: No. It was a thriller.

HEAD: Then, why did you— oh, I get it now. (laughs).

MA: Probably the funniest sequence in the movie is a spoof of EVIL DEAD (2013), where Jody and her friend take turns reading from the Book of the Dead, which causes some comical results. But other than this, I didn’t laugh much at all.

I’ve heard the argument that films like this shouldn’t be criticized because they’re supposed to be stupid. Really? I thought they were supposed to be funny? And that’s the problem I have with this film. You want to spoof something, do a flippin good job, or don’t do it at all!

Pat Proft and David Zucker wrote this movie, and these guys have a ton of comedic credits, including THE NAKED GUN films, AIRPLANE! (1980) and a bunch of other funny parodies. They should know better.

What’s going on here is lazy writing and taking the easy way out. It’s obvious to me that these jokes were written with the mindset that even if it’s just the tiniest bit humorous, it’s okay. The film plays like a first draft from beginning to end.

So many of the jokes in this movie, had they been properly set up and thought out, could have been very funny. There’s no reason in the world why a movie like SCARY MOVIE 5 couldn’t be a laugh riot. But it’s not, because the jokes just aren’t there.

You’re telling me that you’re spoofing the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies and the best you can do is relentlessly make fun of the housekeeper? That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? You can’t do any better than the lowest common denominator of humor—crude bathroom jokes, vulgar sex jokes—and rehash it over and over? That’s spoofing? I don’t think so. That’s laziness.

Some of the best parodies take specific scenes and have fun with them. That sort of thing is severely lacking here. And if the material isn’t there, if these films have been satirized to death already, then maybe you shouldn’t be making a SCARY MOVIE 5.

The cast can’t save this one either. While Ashley Tisdale is watchable as Jody, there was something about Simon Rex’s performance as Dan that I found irritating. He was over the top silly and goofy without being funny. I have to admit, I strongly disliked most of his scenes, and since he’s in most of the movie, that’s not good.

The rest of the cast either overacts or mails it in, looking as if they’re just there to have fun as opposed to work and actually create something funny.

SCARY MOVIE 5 is rated PG-13, and honestly, this one looks as if it was originally intended to be Rated R and then edited down to a PG-13 rating. Not that it would have made much of a difference.

In one gag, for instance, as Dan and Jody tour the medical facility where their young girls are being cared for, they pass a window where they see two babes showering and soaping up their bodies, and these babes are wearing bathing suits. Now that makes a lot of sense.

HEAD: Who showers wearing a bathing suit?

MA: My point exactly.

HEAD: That was a lame scene! I felt cheated.

MA: Well, yeah. I felt that way after the first five minutes of this one.

I almost gave this movie 0 Knives, but admittedly I did laugh a couple of times, and I did enjoy that EVIL DEAD scene. So, I’ll be generous today, but still, that’s pretty sad to find only one or two laughs in a movie that is supposed to be a comedy.

I give SCARY MOVIE 5 one knife.

Do yourself a favor and see something else this weekend. Okay, I’m out of here.

HEAD: Hey, don’t leave me. Hey! A little help?

MA (sighs): Sure, buddy. What is it? You want me to drop you off at the bus station?

HEAD: Actually, I’ve changed my mind. I feel like washing my hair. Want to do me a huge favor and reach into that duffel bag and hand me that bottle of Head and Shoulders?

MA: You know, I’ve had enough of these lame puns. You’re on your own. I’m outta here. (Exits.)

HEAD: Gee, wasn’t he a heady bastard!

—END—

(EDITOR’s NOTE: While I didn’t see this one, I can say that, based on Michael’s review, A HAUNTED HOUSE, which came out earlier this year, sounds a lot funnier than SCARY MOVIE 5. So if you really have to see a horror movie spoof movie this year—you’d be better off seeing that one. It has a lame title, but at least it has some laughs and I gave it a decent review. Check out the review here. ~LLS)

Michael Arruda gives SCARY MOVIE 5 ~ one knife!

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G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (2013)

Posted in 2013, 3-D, Action Movies, All-Star Casts, Based on a Toy, Bruce Willis Films, Cinema Knife Fights, Criminal Masterminds, Kung Fu!, Michael Arruda Reviews with tags Action Movies, adrianne palicki, bruce willis, Channing Tatum, Dwayne Johnson, G.I. Joe, Jonathan Pryce, Ray Park, ray stevenson, Retaliation on April 2, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: G. I. JOE: RETALIATION (2013)
By Michael Arruda

(THE SCENE: A toy store. MICHAEL ARRUDA is in the Action Figure aisle checking out some vintage G. I. Joe action figures.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA: These toys bring back memories. (Holds up an action figure with fuzzy hair.) Here’s one of my favorites: G. I. Joe with life-like hair and Kung Fu grip. I don’t know why these toys were so cool—there’s not much to distinguish them from other action figures—but when I was a kid, they were the best. I think it was all the accessories that came with them.

Anyway, welcome to CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT. Today I’m reviewing G.I JOE: RETALIATION (2013), so there’s a reason I’m visiting this vintage toy store today. See, this film was produced in association with Hasbro toys, and it plays that way. Like other toy tie-ins (such as last year’s BATTLESHIP) G. I. JOE just doesn’t cut it as a movie. It has about as much depth and conflict as one of these toys.

G. I. JOE TOY: Hey, I have depth and conflict!

MA: Wow! It talks! I don’t remember the G. I. JOE toys talking when I was a kid, but anyway, glad to have you here with me. I could use the company, since L.L. SOARES is off on another assignment.

And you’re right. You toys can have depth and conflict, when a kid is playing with you, using his or her imagination, and today’s movie could have had depth and conflict too, if it cared at all about telling a genuine story, which it obviously doesn’t.

G.I. JOE: So, you didn’t like the latest movie about me?

MA: Well, it’s not really about you, per se.

G.I. JOE RETALIATION is a sequel to G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF THE COBRA (2009) which clearly was one of the worst movies I saw that year, yet supposedly it made a ton of money, and the events in RETALIATION follow the events in COBRA. Unfortunately, while there are fleeting references to characters and events from the previous movie, the assumption seems to be that the audience is so familiar with these characters and events that we know them well and, as such, we care for these folks already. Sorry to say, that’s the wrong assumption.

G. I. JOE RETALIATION opens with the “Joes” defending the freedom of America by travelling to Pakistan to secure a nuclear bomb that’s about to fall into enemy hands. The unit is led by young hot shot, Duke (Channing Tatum), who when he’s not saving the world, trades humorous barbs with his best buddy, veteran soldier Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson).

This all changes when the Joes are ambushed, and only Roadblock and two young soldiers Flint (D.J. Cotrona) and Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) survive. It turns out that the ambush was ordered by the President of the United States (Jonathan Pryce) who doesn’t seem to be himself lately. That’s because the real president has been kidnapped, and in his place is the Joes’ arch enemy Zartan (Arnold Vosloo), who conveniently and inexplicably has the power to shapeshift, so he looks exactly like the president.

Zartan’s dastardly plan involves ridding the world of nuclear weapons so he can have complete control over it.

(The door to the toy store opens and in pops Adam West as Batman)

BATMAN: That EVIL CRIMINAL!

MA: Holy Hasbro, Batman! What are you doing here?

BATMAN: What any good citizen should be doing on a Saturday. Shopping for toys for Gotham’s underprivileged children. I see you are busy reviewing a movie. I’ll come back another time.

MA: Don’t leave on my account. I can review a movie while you’re here shopping.

BATMAN: Thank you, citizen. (BATMAN exits into another room of the store.)

MA: Back to G.I. JOE. Roadblock decides his little unit needs help, and so he turns to the retired General Joe Colton (Bruce Willis) for assistance. Together, they come up with a plan to take down the evil Zartan and rescue the president, before Zartan can succeed with his plan to take over the world.

BATMAN (from other room): Has he no shame?

MA: Meanwhile, there’s also a subplot involving Asian rivals Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) who battle it out under the watchful supervision of the wise Blind Master (RZA).

And thrown in for good measure, there’s also the crazy and evil Firefly (Ray Stevenson) who gets to cause all kinds of mayhem in support of his boss Zartan.

Since this is a G.I. JOE movie, there’s no surprise which side wins here.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION is a sad excuse for a movie that unfortunately is part of the growing trend of movies that look good but have no story. Visually, these movies are striking, slick and polished, but they’re ruined by poor writing, done in by weak dialogue, tired overused plot elements, and a clear lack of clarity when it comes to storytelling. In short, the writing sucks.

See, we’ve reached the point where movies can be so impressive based on visuals alone that, for some filmmakers, the art of storytelling is secondary and oftentimes nonexistent. G.I JOE: RETALIATION is one such movie.

It looks great, it has above average action sequences, it boasts a talented cast, but if you’ve seen the RESIDENT EVIL movies, the TWILIGHT series, or films like BATTLESHIP, you know what to expect from G.I. JOE. All fluff and no substance, shallow cardboard characters, deplorable dialogue, and boredom the likes of which moviegoers should never be subjected to. It’s cruel and unusual punishment.

There’s no reason in the world why this couldn’t be an excellent movie. Look at its cast, for instance. Now, I’m not a big fan of Dwayne Johnson, but the guy does have an agreeable screen persona. He should be a likeable lead. But he’s lost here, directionless, reduced to being nothing more than a walking talking toy.

G.I. JOE: I think I’ve just been insulted.

MA: Bruce Willis is stuck in a thankless supporting role, and he’s done this thing so many times before (heck, in this year alone he’s done it a bunch of times!) he might as well be asleep. He offers nothing new or refreshing to his role here.

I love Jonathan Pryce, and he once again makes for a decent villain, this time as the President of the United States, but he’s mired saying such clichéd lines he sounds like he belongs in an AUSTIN POWERS movie. And if you can believe Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States, you’re a better man than me.

Current hunk and heartthrob Channing Tatum is barely in this one at all, meeting his demise early on in the film. Even so, you still have Byung-hun Lee from I SAW THE DEVIL (2010), Ray Stevenson—who, in spite of the dreadful script, still manages to entertain as Firefly—and RZA.

D.J. Cotrona is fine and believable as Flint, and Adrianne Palicki is very good as Jaye. It also doesn’t hurt that she’s an absolute knockout.

But the script here by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick is horrible. Before we even get to the story, we have to get by the names of the characters—Roadblock, Storm Shadow, Firefly, Duke, Snake Eyes, Blind Master. They sound like X-Men rejects.

The actual story is ludicrous. Zartan’s plot for world domination is about as believable as Caesar Romero as the Joker. It also suffers from a lack of details. For example, Zartan shapeshifts to look exactly like the President of the United States. How? That would be a pertinent piece of information to relay to the audience, don’t you think? To be fair, it is mentioned in one brief scene, but blink and you miss it. I guess the thinking is, who cares about such details when the movie looks so good. Well, I care because I want to enjoy the movie. It’s like saying Superman got his powers from another planet, and then leaving it at that. What planet? How did he get these powers? What’s his story?

I found myself asking that question throughout this movie. What’s his story? What’s her story? What’s this movie about? The answers weren’t provided.

Now, Reese and Wernick wrote the screenplay for ZOMBIELAND (2009). There’s no comparison between these two movies. ZOMBIELAND was creative and edgy, while G.I. JOE: RETALIATION is mind-numbing and childish.

It’s rated PG-13, yet clearly plays like a PG movie. When I saw it, the theater was filled with young kids, many of them under 10. That’s about the right age level for this movie.

Director Jon M. Chu has made a very good-looking movie, but a movie without a story just isn’t good enough. Sure, there are some neat action sequences, especially a really cool mountaintop chase scene. But if I don’t care about these characters, if I don’t know why the hell they’re doing what they’re doing, the end result is it’s like I’m watching a really cool video game. It’s not a movie.

And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, G.I. JOE is in 3D. I chose not to see it in 3D, and I doubt 3D effects would have made this movie any better. It stunk quite nicely in 2D, thank you very much.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION was a complete waste of my time. Admittedly, it’s a slick looking production, and it’s teeming with talented actors, but the story is so horribly boring I was ready to leave the theater midway through the film.

I give it one and a half knives.

You’d be better off purchasing one of these vintage G. I. Joe toys and setting it up on a shelf in your den. In fact, looking at one of these toys for two hours might provide more mental stimulation than watching G.I. JOE: RETALIATION. At least your imagination would be free to engage.

G.I. JOE: Thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.

MA: You’re welcome.

G.I. JOE: Hey, do you think I can get a part in the next G.I. JOE movie?

MA: The next G.I. JOE movie? Don’t make me ill.

Okay, folks, that’s it for now. L.L. Soares will be back next week, and he and I will be here with a review of another new movie.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives G.I. JOE: RETALIATION ~one and a half knives!

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DEAD MAN DOWN (2013)

Posted in 2013, Crime Films, Gangsters!, Hit Men, Killers, Michael Arruda Reviews, Revenge! with tags Colin Farrell, Dead Man Down, Dominic Cooper, Niels Arden Opley, Noomi Rapace, Terence Howard on March 12, 2013 by knifefighter

MOVIE REVIEW: DEAD MAN DOWN (2013)
By Michael Arruda

DEAD MAN DOWN might be the best film playing right now in theaters that no one is talking about.

It’s the latest thriller by Niels Arden Opley, the man who directed the original THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009) and stars Colin Farrell and Noomi Rapace, who of course played the lead in Opley’s THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO. It’s both an intense actioner that goes for the throat, and a love story that is as sincere as it is offbeat. I loved it.

New York City crime lord Alphonse (Terrence Howard) is not having a good week. Someone is killing his men while leaving him cryptic, yet threatening messages. He’s coming unglued. In a fiery shoot-out, Alphonse is nearly killed, but he’s saved by one of his boys, Victor (Colin Farrell), and as a result, he rather trusts Victor.

Not a good move on Alphonse’s part, as it turns out Victor is the man behind the threatening messages and deaths, as he’s seeking vengeance for the death of his family, which came at the hands of killers hired by Alphonse a while back.

Victor is one slick operator, and his meticulous plans for revenge are moving forward without a hitch, until he meets his neighbor, Beatrice (Noomi Rapace), who lives in the apartment across from his. Beatrice is a shy young woman with a scarred face, the result of a car accident in which she was struck by a drunk driver.

Victor and Beatrice go out on a date, and it’s there that she drops a bombshell on him: she knows that he’s a killer and she’s seen him kill a man. She tells him she won’t go to the police as long as she does one thing for her: kill the man responsible for her scarred face.

To further complicate matters, Victor’s best friend, Darcy (Dominic Cooper), is intent on moving up in Alphonse’s organization. To do this, he makes it his mission to find out who is terrorizing his boss, and as an investigator, Darcy is no slouch and continually creeps closer to the truth, that his best friend Victor is the culprit.

And when Victor and Beatrice begin to share genuine feelings for each other and fall in love, giving them something to live for, their “all in” attitude towards vengeance takes a hit, but with Darcy busy uncovering the truth for his boss Alphonse, there’s no going back.

DEAD MAN DOWN is an adult thriller that pushes all the right buttons. Its screenplay by J.H. Wyman tells a compelling story about intriguing characters, both good and bad, who I really cared about. The dialogue is first-rate, and the plot solid, all the way down to its riveting conclusion.

This one includes a lot of memorable scenes. From Victor and Beatrice’s poignant first date, where Beatrice says she swears when she’s drinks, and Victor says he does too, and they proceed to take turns swearing at their dinner table, to the sad scenes of Beatrice being antagonized and called a “monster” by the neighborhood kids.

There are also several explosive action sequences, including a couple of fiery shoot-outs, a car chase, and, better yet, some excellent scenes of suspense, one of which features some hungry rats. Director Niels Arden Opley operates at the top of his game here.

You may ask why Victor allows himself to be blackmailed by Beatrice in the first place, and why he doesn’t just kill her to shut her up. The fact is that Victor hates killing, which makes his quest for revenge against Alphonse all the more effective, as it shows how deeply Victor has been scarred. Beatrice has scars on her face, but Victor has scars on his soul. There’s a powerful human element in this movie that, in spite of its preoccupation with retribution, shows a value for life and love that I found refreshing. Victor and Beatrice may hate the people who hurt them, but they don’t hate the human race, and they’re saved from falling into an emotionless abyss when they fall in love with each other.

And the love story between Victor and Beatrice works. I totally bought their relationship, mostly because Farrell and Rapace share some nice chemistry together.

Beatrice lives with her mother, and these scenes reminded me of similar scenes in the recent Jason Statham actioner PARKER (2013). In PARKER, it’s Jennifer Lopez who lives with her mother, but that love story between Lopez and Statham didn’t work, mostly because strangely—what were the writers thinking? — Statham’s Parker was interested in another woman. Here, in DEAD MAN DOWN, there’s no “other woman,” leaving little doubt that Victor and Beatrice have feelings for each other.

I’ve never been a big fan of Colin Farrell, but he’s grown on me. He surprised the heck out of me with his portrayal of the vampire in the remake of FRIGHT NIGHT (2011), and while he did little for me in the remake of TOTAL RECALL (2012) he’s superb here in DEAD MAN DOWN. As a very quiet and introspective killer, his performance reminded me a lot of Ryan Gosling’s in DRIVE (2011).

And Noomi Rapace is just as strong. She makes Beatrice such a vulnerable character that you can’t help but feel for her, even when she’s coercing Victor to kill a man for her. She’s an incredibly gutsy woman, driven by her thirst for vengeance, and she has no problem standing up to a known killer like Victor and getting him to do what she wants. Rapace succeeds in making both sides of this woman believable.

Dominic Cooper, who has turned in two very memorable performance in recent years, as Iron Man’s father Howard Stark in CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011), and as Abraham Lincoln’s vampire hunter teacher in ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (2012), shines here as Victor’s buddy Darcy. It’s a gritty performance that works on more than one level. Darcy is kind of a slimy guy, yet he genuinely values his friendship with Victor and is legitimately upset when he ultimately learns the truth about his friend.

Terrence Howard, another actor with an IRON MAN connection, as he played Tony Stark’s buddy Rhodey in the first IRON MAN (2008), is solid as crime lord Alphonse, even though the character is anything but. Alphonse is not the most successful criminal, and he allows himself to be rattled and shaken a little too easily for my liking.

Isabelle Huppert adds fine support as Beatrice’s mother Valentine, and Armand Assante makes for a chilling baddie in his scene-stealing cameo as the bigger crime lord who pretty much tells Alphonse to get his ship in order or else.

If I have any complaints it’s that crime boss Alphonse crumbles too easily. I expected him to show more of a backbone. I also thought Darcy’s investigative efforts went too smoothly. Everything he does seems to turn up a lead. The guy’s a regular Sherlock Holmes, for crying out loud. And the concluding gun fight was a little far-fetched and reminded me somewhat of the overblown conclusion to DJANGO UNCHAINED (2012), only not as bloody.

But these are minor complaints.

DEAD MAN DOWN is an exciting thriller wrapped around a touching love story that is every bit as satisfying as its vengeance plot. It’s well acted by top-notch actors of the field, directed by a talented director making his American theatrical debut, and sports a screenplay that gets just about everything right.

I give it three and a half knives.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives DEAD MAN DOWN ~three and a half knives.

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Screaming Streaming Movie Review: THE GIFT (2000)

Posted in 2013, ESP, Ghosts!, Michael Arruda Reviews, Paranormal, Sam Raimi with tags Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Greg Kinnear, Hilary Swank, Katie Holmes, Sami Raimi, The Gift on March 8, 2013 by knifefighter

SCREAMING STREAMING!
Streaming Video Movie Review: THE GIFT (2000)
By Michael Arruda

With Sam Raimi’s OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (2013) coming to theaters this weekend, I decided to check out one of his earlier movies, THE GIFT (2000), currently available on Streaming Video.

THE GIFT is a tale of psychic phenomena, murder and the supernatural, set in the Deep South.

Annie (Cate Blanchett), a widow who’s raising her young boys on her own, is a psychic working out of her home in the back woods of rural Georgia. She treats various clients who are looking for answers regarding their future and their past.

Buddy Cole (Giovanni Ribisi), for example, is a disturbed young man who is searching for clues to his troubled past, as he’s haunted by an image of a sinister blue diamond. Annie also treats Valerie Barksdale (Hilary Swank) who is stuck in a dead end relationship with her violently abusive husband Donnie (Keanu Reeves), and Donnie is none too happy about his wife seeking Annie’s services, and as a result he threatens both Annie and her children.

When a woman named Jessica King (Katie Holmes) disappears under mysterious circumstances, the woman’s fiancé Wayne Collins (Greg Kinnear), the principal where Annie’s children attend school, turns to Annie for help when the local sheriff (J.K. Simmons) fails to find any leads. Annie’s visions lead her to suspect Donnie, and the evidence supports her visions. Donnie is arrested, charged with murder, and brought to trial by the district attorney David Duncan (Gary Cole), who it turns out has secrets of his own regarding young Jessica King.

As the trial goes on, Annie begins to doubt her initial visions regarding Donnie’s guilt and soon finds her life threatened by those who can’t afford to allow her to use her gift to uncover the truth.

I liked THE GIFT a lot, and my favorite part of this thriller was its first-rate cast. Leading the way is Cate Blanchett as Annie. Blanchett comes off as softer and more vulnerable here than in most of the roles I associate with her, in movies such as THE AVIATOR (2004), INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008) and, more recently, HANNA (2011).

As the psychologically disturbed Buddy, Giovanni Ribisi delivers the best performance in the film. I like Ribisi a lot, enjoying him most recently in GANGSTER SQUAD (2013). Here, he plays a very troubled guy who values his relationship with Annie, as she’s the only person who is willing to listen to him and lift a finger to help him.

The rest of the cast is also excellent. Hilary Swank is perfect as the young wife who should take Annie’s advice and leave her abusive husband, but as she tells Annie, she can’t leave Donnie because she has nowhere else to go and feels as if she’s nothing without him.

Keanu Reeves comes on very strong as the impulsive and overly violent Donnie, perhaps too strong. He plays things over the top throughout, making Donnie completely unsympathetic, a total jerk, and in the process one-dimensional.

On the other hand, Greg Kinnear is sufficiently sympathetic as the grieving fiancé, while Katie Holmes shines as the volatile young vixen, Jessica, who doesn’t think twice about cheating on her man or laughing in his face. Ouch!

Both J.K. Simmons as the sheriff and Gary Cole as the district attorney add fine support to the proceedings.

THE GIFT was Sam Raimi’s last film before he ventured into the SPIDERMAN trilogy with Tobey Maguire. It’s a fine thriller and a completely different animal from the campy and over the top EVIL DEAD movies, but a compelling drama all the same. There’s a chilling subtlety to it that reminded me a lot of Raimi’s A SIMPLE PLAN (1998).

Interestingly enough, the screenplay to THE GIFT was written by Tom Epperson and Billy Bob Thornton. Thornton, of course, starred in Raimi’s A SIMPLE PLAN. For the most part, the story works. I did have a problem with the ending for a couple of reasons. For starters, I saw the conclusion coming ahead of time, and secondly I’m not sure I completely buy the story as it plays out. It involves a ghost, and this ghost does something I’m not completely sure ghosts should be able to do.

But I liked the characters in the movie, and I especially cared for Annie and Buddy. I would have preferred it had Keanu Reeves’ Donnie been a little less one-dimensional. He’s not sympathetic in the least, and the local authorities would be fools if they didn’t suspect Donnie of the crime.

The main murder mystery is okay, although it really isn’t much of mystery. If you pay attention, you can figure things out ahead of time.

I did like the scene where Donnie threatens Annie’s son, and Buddy arrives to intervene and save the boy. I found Buddy’s storyline particularly disturbing, especially when he finally solves the mystery from his past regarding the meaning of the blue diamond. This revelation takes place in a very sad, chilling scene.

I did struggle to believe that Katie Holmes’s hot and sexy Jessica would be at all interested in Greg Kinnear’s quiet, conservative school principal, Wayne Collins. Of course, Jessica explains in one of her tirades that she’s only interested in Wayne because of her father, but why her father wants her to marry a school principal is beyond me. It’s not like Wayne is wealthy or politically connected. This plot point seemed forced to me, an obvious set-up to the “surprise” conclusion which, as I said, you can pretty much figure out ahead of time.

But overall I really liked THE GIFT. It would be hard not to like this one, given that it has such a solid cast.

So, to wrap things up— heh heh—THE GIFT is a better-than-average mystery thriller with a very strong cast, a decent story with characters I liked and cared for, and a talented director, Sam Raimi, at the helm, pretty much doing his thing.

I give it three knives.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE GIFT ~ three knives!

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JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013)

Posted in 2013, 3-D, Action Movies, Adult Fairy Tales, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Exotic Locales, Family Films, GIANTS!, Heroic Warriors, Michael Arruda Reviews with tags Beanstalks, Bryan Singer, Eleanor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Giants, Ian McShane, Jack the Giant Slayer, Nicholas Hoult on March 4, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013)
By Michael Arruda

(THE SCENE: The Kingdom of the Giants, high above the clouds. A GIANT stomps onto the scene, approaching MICHAEL ARRUDA, who sits on a rock counting some beans in his hand.)

GIANT: Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English Muffin!

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Don’t you mean Englishman?

GIANT: No, I mean English muffin. (pulls out an enormous English muffin). I love the nooks and crannies.

MA: I see. Does that mean you’re not partial to human flesh?

GIANT: I didn’t say that. I’m just in the mood for an English muffin right now, that’s all.

MA: Am I safe to do my review here without worry that you might try to eat me?

GIANT (with his mouth full of English muffin): I’m not going to eat you. I prefer to eat meat in the evening, not in the morning. I’m watching my cholesterol.

MA: I see.

GIANT: Start your review. Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here eating my breakfast if that’s okay with you.

MA: Not a problem. Welcome everyone to CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT. I’m riding solo today, as L.L. Soares is on the other side of the clouds reviewing THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2. I’m here in Giant Land reviewing the latest fairy tale movie, JACK THE GIANT SLAYER ( 2013).

And you know what?

GIANT: What?

MA: For the most part, I liked this one.

GIANT: No kidding?

MA: No kidding! It certainly has its share of drawbacks, but it could have been a lot worse. That being said, I’m also here to tell you it could have been a lot better.

Jack (Nicholas Hoult) lives in a kingdom where the children grow up hearing the legend of the giants who live high above in the sky, and how they were vanquished years ago by the heroic King of the land, who defeated the giants with his magic crown which, upon his death, was buried with him.

Jack is a young farmer who lives with his uncle. Sent to the village to sell a horse, Jack instead takes in a traveling show where he happens to meet the Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson). The princess is restless and upset that her father King Brahmwell (Ian McShane) has arranged a marriage for her with the much older Roderick (Stanley Tucci), so she constantly disguises herself and sneaks out of the castle.

When she runs afoul of some aggressive men, Jack jumps to her aid, but before the men rough him up, the king’s guard arrives, led by the head of the royal guard, Elmont (Ewan McGregor), and they whisk the princess back to the castle.

But you can’t keep a good princess down. She sneaks out again, coincidentally ending up at Jack’s farm (yeah, that’s believable!), when the magic beans Jack had taken for his horse sprout the gigantic beanstalk which rises high into the sky above. Jack manages to escape the beanstalk, but the princess is trapped and is lifted into the sky.

The king organizes a rescue party, led by Elmont, which also includes Roderick and Jack. It’s up to these men to climb the beanstalk and rescue the princess from the clutches of the flesh-eating giants. Things grow more complicated when it’s revealed that Roderick has an agenda of his own, and saving the princess isn’t part of it.

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER has its moments, and the best part of the movie is that everyone involved seems to be taking it quite seriously. You won’t find goofy camp here.

However, on the other hand, although the material is treated with integrity, it’s handled with kid’s gloves. This movie is rated PG-13. It easily could have been rated PG, and in fact felt like a PG movie. This was not a good thing. So when the menacing giant takes a human and bites his head off, the camera cuts away long before we see what happens. When soldiers suffer deadly wounds, not a drop of blood drips from their bodies.

Which makes JACK THE GIANT SLAYER a curious animal. The actors in the film play things as if they’re in Peter Jackson’s LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy, director Bryan Singer, the man behind the first two X-MEN movies, shoots it with the pacing and ferocity of Wolverine, and yet it’s edited in such a way that it is so kid-friendly it makes you wonder if somewhere along the line the folks behind the film changed their minds as to how they wanted to present this thing.

The end result is it’s really nothing more than just a children’s fairy tale. The kiddos will love it because it’s exciting and action-packed, a bit more serious than their usual fare, but it’s all wrapped in a neat little PG package—sure, the rating says PG-13, but trust me, it’s PG material.

I found it enjoyable in a mild sort of way, but kept wishing it was a darker picture, and by darker, I don’t mean “R” rated, but I mean something along the lines of the aforementioned Peter Jackson LORD OF THE RINGS movies (not THE HOBBIT, which lacked the same intensity). JACK THE GIANT SLAYER is more akin to a Ray Harryhausen Sinbad movie than LORD OF THE RINGS, only without Harryhausen’s fun effects.

GIANT: Speaking of special effects, how were the giants in the movie? I’m always eager to hear how my cousins are represented on the big screen.

MA: I’ll get to the giants in a bit. Not yet.

Nicholas Hoult, who was one of the few things I liked about the recent zombie romantic comedy WARM BODIES (2013), is very good again here as Jack. There’s something very likeable and sincere about him, and I found myself easily rooting for Jack.

Eleanor Tomlinson is also very good as Princess Isabelle. She does a nice job playing both the strong and independent woman, and the vulnerable princess who doesn’t mind having Jack rescue her once in a while. I bought into her performance as a princess much more than I did Kristen Stewart’s tomboyish take on Snow White in SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (2012).

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER is also helped along by its veteran cast. Ewan McGregor as Elmont, the head of the king’s royal guard, shows more passion and exudes more personality here than he did in three movies as the sterile Obi-Wan-Kenobie. It’s a neat role for McGregor. He’s not the lead, not the young farm boy, but the seasoned veteran who is single-minded in his purpose to serve the king. To use another STAR WARS reference, he’s Han Solo to Jack’s Luke Skywalker, although he plays Elmont less like Solo and more like James Bond.

Playing King Brahmwell its Ian Mcshane, a veteran actor who I almost always enjoy watching. McShane has been in countless movies, and he’s probably most famous for his British TV show LOVEJOY (1986-1994) and for playing Al Swearengen in the HBO series DEADWOOD (2004 – 2006). Incidentally, McShane was also in last year’s SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, where he played one of the dwarves, but he’s much better here as King Brahmwell. That’s because in JACK GIANT SLAYER he delivers a performance that’s way above the material.

Stanley Tucci rounds out the veteran cast as Roderick, and surprisingly he was a disappointment. His performance was fine, but he doesn’t get to do a whole lot. Roderick should have been a juicy role for Tucci—a no good scoundrel whose secret desire to rule the kingdom leads him to betray just about everyone in his path—and for a while it is, but he never really develops into the kind of villain this movie needs. I expected more.

And not to nitpick, but since Roderick was in line to marry the princess per order of the king, and was about to inherit the kingdom without having to lift one treacherous finger, the fact that he goes to all this trouble to conquer the king makes little sense when you think about it.

GIANT: Are you going to talk about the giants now?

MA: Not yet. Soon.

Director Bryan Singer brings a lot of energy and zing to this one, imbuing the film with exciting action sequences, colorful sets and costumes, and pacing that keeps the movie rolling.

The screenplay by Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, and Dan Studney offers likable characters, enjoyable dialogue, and enough references and tweaks to the original tale to satisfy fairy tale connoisseurs. McQuarrie also wrote the screenplay for JACK REACHER (2012), VALKYRIE (2008), and, way back when, THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995).

The set-up is all here for a rousing adventure, but somewhere in the editing room, it must have been decided this needed to be watered down. The final result therefore is a mixed bag, an entertaining story without much bite.

GIANT: I’m going to bite you if you don’t start talking about the giants!

MA: Okay, I’ll talk about the giants.

GIANT: It’s about friggin time!

MA: What can I say? I was saving the giants for last.

Anyway, it should come as no surprise where the giants fit in here. Like the rest of the movie, they run hot and cold. At times, they look really cool with some neat attention to detail, while other times—actually, most of the time—they look fake and cartoonish, off the set of some old Looney Tunes cartoon.

They’re portrayed as menacing evil beings that’ll bite off a man’s head in an instant, but we never feel their wrath or their enormous hatred of humans. They’re rarely scarier than a villain in a Disney movie. In fact, some Disney villains are scarier.

Like other watered-down parts of this movie, had the giants been grittier, the film would have been that much better.

And don’t ask me how the giants procreate. There’s not a female giant anywhere in the land.

I chose not to see JACK THE GIANT SLAYER in 3D, believing the 3D effects wouldn’t be worth the extra money.

I liked JACK THE GIANT SLAYER, but I certainly didn’t love it. The acting by everyone involved was very good, the story decent, and the film itself energetic and exciting, but it could have used more of an edge—an adult take to the fairy tale proceedings—as well as some more convincing and frightening giants.

I give it two and a half knives.

GIANT (burps): That English Muffin was delicious. But I’m still hungry. Now what shall I eat? (Eyes MA and licks his lips.).

MA: You’re watching your cholesterol, remember?

GIANT: I know, but it’s so difficult!

MA: Here, have some magic beans. (tosses beans up towards giant.) They’ll put beanstalks on your chest.

GIANT: I probably shouldn’t eat these.

MA: No, but you can trade them in for all the food you want. They’re worth quite a bit.

GIANT: Gee, thanks! (Exits)

MA: Okay, we’re done here. Time for me to return to the real world. Now just where is that beanstalk again? I sure hope the elevator is working this time.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives JACK THE GIANT SLAYER ~ two and a half knives!

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Pickin’ the Carcass Visits THE RIG (2010)

Posted in 2013, B-Movies, Just Plain Fun, Michael Arruda Reviews, Monsters, Pickin' the Carcass with tags B-Movie, Fun Flicks, Monster, Monster Movie, The Rig, William Forsythe on February 27, 2013 by knifefighter

PICKIN’ THE CARCASS: THE RIG (2010)
By Michel Arruda

I’ve said it many times before but it’s true: I’m a sucker for monster movies, and so today’s PICKIN’ THE CARCASS feature, THE RIG (2010), in spite of the fact that it’s a clear rip-off of the ALIEN formula, won me over. It’s actually a pretty fun movie, worth checking out as long as you’re not expecting something original.

THE RIG takes place on an oil rig—so that’s where they got the title! —that’s suddenly in the path of a raging hurricane. The head of the crew, Jim Fleming (William Forsythe) orders the bulk of the crew to evacuate temporarily, leaving just a skeleton crew on board until after the dangerous storm passes.

Hmm. A hurricane raging all around, a few crew members trapped on a hulking oil rig in the middle of the ocean, I wonder what would happen if a man-eating monster showed up and decided to prey upon the unsuspecting crew? Sounds like the formula for a good old-fashioned monster movie, which, in effect, is exactly what THE RIG is, a throwback to monster movies like ALIEN (1979) and THE THING (1982).

Is it as good as those movies? No way! But it remains true to its traditions, and on this level, it succeeds.

So, yes, a monster does show up to wreak havoc amongst the skeleton crew. That’s because the film opens with an undersea camera poking around the depths of the ocean, only to be destroyed by some unknown aquatic presence. This thing later climbs on board the rig, a la the Creature from the Black Lagoon. It’s obviously not happy with the results of its photo shoot and is seeking a re-take. Actually, it’s just a hungry beast that likes to eat humans.

On the rig, we have our cliché-ridden cast of characters, but what makes these folks enjoyable is the actors who play them actually do a decent job. The head of the rig, Jim Fleming is busy contending not only with the storm but with his adult daughter Carey (Serah D’Laine) who’s in love with one of the oil men, Kyle Dobbs (Scott Martin). Jim just doesn’t want his daughter involved with an oil man. He wants more for his little girl. Gag. Yep, you can see this storyline coming a mile away, and it’s something we’ve seen a million times before, but luckily the movie doesn’t spend too much time on this plot point. The bulk of the time is fortunately spent on the monster story.

Then there’s Freddy Brewer (Stacey Hinnen), the tough-as-nails rig worker who’s enjoying a fling of his own, with his hot co-worker, Rodriguez (Carmen Perez). Freddy is also dealing with his younger brother who has requested to get off the rig because he’s tired of living in his older brother’s shadow.

Fortunately, all these stories go away once the monster shows up and starts feasting on human flesh. Once that happens, the remainder of the crew bands together and fights for survival, hoping to survive long enough for the storm to pass, so they can either get off the rig or have help arrive.

As I said, THE RIG isn’t going to earn any points for originality. Its best scenes we’ve seen before in films like ALIEN and THE THING, but because it handles these scenes well, it still manages to entertain.

Probably my favorite part of THE RIG is that director Peter Atencio chose not to use CGI effects for the monster. Instead, he uses an old-fashioned man in a suit, which once seen isn’t anything to brag about, but for the bulk of the film, director Atencio goes with the “less seen the better” philosophy, and it works.

Most of the creature scenes feature quick snippets of the monster, and so for the majority of the movie, you don’t see the creature, and this style works. It’s scarier wondering just what exactly is around that dark corner, as opposed to seeing some fake-looking CGI creation that imbues no reality whatsoever. So, for the most part, the creature scenes in this movie are effective. Sure, towards the end, when we see more of the beast, it’s a bit of a disappointment, but it’s still better than a cartoony CGI beasty.

The cast also acquits itself well. William Forsythe is solid as oil boss Jim Fleming. Sure, he must have been fighting not to throw up as he delivered some of his cliché-ridden lines, but he really makes for a believable oil rig chief.

Forsythe is a veteran actor who’s been in a ton of movies. I remember him most from way back when, with his performance in ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984) where he co-starred with Robert De Niro. He was also memorable more recently in the awful HALLOWEEN (2007) remake.

Stacey Hinnen is also very good as Freddy, the tough guy, who becomes the “go to” guy once the creature shows up. Serah D’Laine is okay as Jim’s daughter Carey. She runs hot and cold, and she’s certainly no Sigourney Weaver. Carmen Peres fares better as Rodriguez, in a supporting role.

Probably the weakest link of the main cast is Scott Martin as Serah’s boyfriend Kyle. When it comes to tough guy heroes, he’s more Michael Biehn than Kurt Russell. I’d rather have Kurt Russell.

The weakest part of the movie, no doubt, is the screenplay by Scott Martin—yep, the same guy who also plays Kyle in this one—Mariliee A. Benson, Lori Chavez, and C.W. Fallin, which is full of one cliché after another, some really bad dialogue, and characters so familiar they seem like family members. Yet, in a strange way, it works, because it gets the monster stuff right, and since this is a monster movie after all, if you’re going to get something right, it might as well be the monster story.

When you come right down to it, THE RIG plays like a 1950s B movie, and for those of us who love monster movies, this isn’t a bad thing.

THE RIG offers some good old-fashioned monster movie fun, which as long as you’re not expecting anything new, provides a decent enough diversion for 90 minutes to make it worthwhile.

I give it two and a half knives.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE RIG ~ two and a half knives!

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Screaming Streaming Hires THE COURIER (2012)

Posted in 2013, Action Movies, Crime Films, Gangsters!, Killers, Michael Arruda Reviews, Screaming Streaming with tags Crime drama, Hany ABu-Assad, Hostages, jeffrey dean morgan, Screaming Streaming, The Courier on February 22, 2013 by knifefighter

SCREAMING STREAMING!
Streaming Video Movie Review: THE COURIER (2012)
By Michael Arruda

I decided to check out the action thriller THE COURIER (2012), now available on streaming video, because it starred Jeffrey Dean Morgan, an actor whose performances I’ve enjoyed of late in such films as WATCHMEN (2009) and THE POSSESSION (2012).

Well, the first thing I’ll tell you right now is I enjoyed Morgan much better in WATCHMEN and THE POSSESSION than in THE COURIER. Sadly, his performance in this one is uninspiring. And that’s just the beginning of what’s wrong with this clinker.

The movie starts off well. In fact, its best scene and most memorable image might be its opening one. It opens at an abandoned (or, at the very least, closed) amusement park, with two thugs holding a woman hostage at the top of a roller coaster track. The Courier (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) races through the park to reach her, climbing all the way to the top of the tracks to hand deliver the package of money to the thugs for her release. He makes it in time, but not before the kidnappers push her off the top track, but the Courier leaps to her rescue (I guess he doesn’t get paid unless the victim is returned safely) and somehow, miraculously, manages to grab onto the line tied to her and pull her to safety.

No, this Courier doesn’t work for UPS. He’s self-employed, a man hired to find people and to deliver ransom packages. Nice job. You wouldn’t think he’d be all that busy, though. How many ransom packages need to be delivered on a regular basis?

But, because he’s the best there is (of course), the Courier is sought out by a man (Til Schweiger), who forces him to find a mysterious person named Evil Sivle. If not, this man and the people he works for will kill the daughter and grandchild of the Courier’s best friend, Stitch (Mark Margolis).

The Courier searches New Orleans for Evil Sivle with the help of a young woman Anna (Josie Ho), a friend of Stitch’s, who it seems Stitch would like to set up romantically with the Courier. Nice matchmaker. Why don’t the two of you go to New Orleans on the trail of a bloodthirsty killer and go out for a couple of drinks afterwards, it might be the start of a beautiful relationship.

It seems, however, according to the information that the Courier uncovers, that Evil Sivle is dead, but that doesn’t stop a guy named Maxwell (Mickey Rourke) from trying to kill the Courier. Why? It’s all part of the mystery, I guess.

The Courier is eventually captured and tortured by a pair of married assassins, Mr. Capo (Miguel Ferrer) and Mrs. Capo (Lili Taylor). But being the best there is, the Courier escapes from their clutches to continue his quest to find Evil Sivle.

To confuse matters even more, it turns out that the man who forced the Courier to take this job is really an FBI agent. It seems the FBI are the ones who want Evil Sivle found. Why? I wish I could tell you.

In the end, the Courier proves he’s the best by finding the reclusive Evil Sivle, whose identity is revealed in one of the more ridiculous plot twists I’ve seen in a long time.

Hands down, the biggest problem I have with THE COURIER is its story stinks. It plays like a movie that started with a clever concept—a courier who gets involved with a seedy underworld full of undesirables—but couldn’t come up with a decent storyline that made any sense. And that’s the bottom line with this one, folks. It doesn’t make sense.

The Courier is forced to take this job, and it’s questionable why he would accept the job when the threat— we’ll abduct your best friend’s daughter and her child—hasn’t even happened yet. I just didn’t buy the plot point that a guy like the Courier would simply roll over and do what these guys wanted. He would have fought back. He accepts their terms way too easily.

Then there’s Evil Sivle. Nice name, but just who the hell is he? Why is he so sought after? The film never really makes its case that this guy is a legendary villain, someone the FBI would kill for just to find.

Other characters aren’t fleshed out either. The FBI agent who coerces the Courier in the first place disappears half way through the film. And Maxwell, played by Mickey Rourke in a wasted role, shows up so fleetingly that his presence in the movie is nothing more than an afterthought.

And the final plot twist is embarrassingly bad. Screenwriters Pete Dris and Brannon Coombs should have gone back to the shop with this one for a long time before calling it a final product.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan, so memorable as the Comedian in WATCHMEN doesn’t impress here as the Courier. Perhaps for his next role he’ll consider a character whose name doesn’t begin with “the.” His performance as the Courier simply lacks the necessary intensity needed for the character. I didn’t really buy him in this role. He seemed too clunky to be the efficient swift-footed Courier.

Mickey Rourke is on screen so briefly as Maxwell I almost forgot he was in the movie. I did enjoy Miguel Ferrer and Lili Taylor as Mr. and Mrs. Capo, the torture couple, but they’re not in the movie much either. The other actor who stood out was Mark Margolis as Stitch. Margolis has been in a lot of movies and TV shows and always adds a sense of realism to the proceedings. His Stitch was a convincing guy in a movie full of unconvincing characters and plot points.

THE COURIER does have some interesting ideas and some curious characters, but they’re never developed to any degree of satisfaction.

Director Hany Abu-Assad seems to have handled this one with an eye on something else. It’s as if he were driving while texting or something. The action scenes, fight scenes, shoot- out scenes, all seemed rushed. None of it comes off as convincing because there isn’t much attention given to detail here. In fact, there’s something rushed about this whole production, including the script. Perhaps they were trying to make a same-day delivery.

Anyway, THE COURIER is a disappointing thriller that is too muddled to be effective. It’s about as intense as a trip to the post office.

It gets one knife.

—END—

Michael Arruda gives THE COURIER ~ one knife!

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QUICK CUTS: FAIRY TALE MOVIES WE WANT TO SEE

Posted in 2013, Adult Fairy Tales, Daniel Keohane Reviews, Jenny Orosel Columns, LL Soares Reviews, Michael Arruda Reviews, Quick Cuts, Uncategorized with tags Adult Fairy Tales, Bluebeard, Little Match Girl, Mother Goose, Quick Cuts, Rumplestilskin, Wee Willie Winie on February 8, 2013 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS: Fairy Tale Movies We Want to See
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel Keohane, and Jenny Orosel

MICHAEL ARRUDA: With the recent the release of HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2103) and the upcoming JACK THE GIANT SLAYER, a re-working of the Jack and the Beanstalk fairy tale, due out on March 1, the “fairy tale re-imaginings” are out in full force.

Let’s see, we’ve already had RED RIDING HOOD (2011) and SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (2012). I don’t know about you, but enough is enough!

But since this new take on the fairy tale genre doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon, it’s time for the Cinema Knife Fighters to get in on the action.

Today’s QUICK CUTS question: Which fairy tale would you like to see turned into a movie!

******

DANIEL KEOHANE: I’d go with THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL.

Sent away from her home and left to die but saved from death by a long retired CIA operative Max Samaritan, Lillie devotes herself to stopping evil whenever – and wherever – it appears. She leaves the arcane world of wooden matches behind in favor of a stylish Zippo, which proves invaluable when all seems lost and she finds herself near a constant supply of combustible materials.

*****

JENNY OROSEL: I would like to see BLUEBEARD done, this time starring either Larry King or Rush Limbaugh.

A new version of Bluebeard?

MICHAEL ARRUDA: I’ve always liked RUMPELSTILTSKIN. In my movie version, entitled KNOW MY NAME OR PAY UP YOU LOSER! Jim Carrey in full make-up with CGI effects added plays Rumpelstiltskin, and Chloe Grace Moretz plays the poor miller’s daughter. In this movie version, rather than just guess his name, Moretz kicks the crap out of Carrey’s Rumpelstiltskin to the point where he’s a mass of pulpy flesh.

She then travels the countryside in search of demonic dwarves who terrorize young women.

Also starring Robert Downey Jr. as the King.

I’d also like to see WEE WILLIE WINKIE made into a horror movie where Mr. Winkie is a sinister gent who goes around terrorizing young children, whisking them away from their beds at night, taking them to some uncertain dark future, perhaps to a castle where a cannibalistic witch lives who loves children in her stews. Rated R, with Sacha Baron Cohen as Wee Willie Winkie, Sigourney Weaver as the Witch, and Mark Wahlberg as the parent of a missing child who’s had enough and decides to step up and take justice into his own hands.

*****

L.L. SOARES: That’s easy. I’d like to see a movie version of THE WORLD OF MOTHER GOOSE starring Andrew Dice Clay.

“Hickory Dickory Dock…”

MICHAEL ARRUDA: And there you have it, fairy tale movies we’d like to see.

Thanks for joining us, and we’ll see you next time on QUICK CUTS!

—END—

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Archive for the Michael Arruda Reviews Category

FAREWELL TO RAY HARRYHAUSEN

Pickin’ the Carcass: THE PACT (2012)

SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013)

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (2013)

DEAD MAN DOWN (2013)

Screaming Streaming Movie Review: THE GIFT (2000)

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013)

Pickin’ the Carcass Visits THE RIG (2010)

Screaming Streaming Hires THE COURIER (2012)

QUICK CUTS: FAIRY TALE MOVIES WE WANT TO SEE

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