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Archive for the HOLIDAY CHEER Category
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Posted in HOLIDAY CHEER with tags Baby New Year, Happy New Year on January 1, 2013 by knifefighterHAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Posted in 2012, HOLIDAY CHEER with tags cinema knife fight, Happy Holidays on December 25, 2012 by knifefighter
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT!
And stick around for the new year. We’ll have plenty more goodies for you in 2013.
Meals for Monsters (Christmas Edition): SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1972)
Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, 70s Horror, B-Movies, Evil Santas, Family Secrets, Grindhouse Goodies, HOLIDAY CHEER, Jenny Orosel Columns, Low Budget Movies, Meals for Monsters, Psycho killer with tags 70s horror, Bloody Night, Candy Darling, Evil Santas, John Carradine, mary woronov, Meals for Monsters, Silent Night, Theodore Gershuny on December 25, 2012 by knifefighterMEALS FOR MONSTERS: SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1972)
Special Christmas Review and recipes by Jenny Orosel
There are a ton of Christmas horror movies to liven up the season. For every disgustingly sweet animated special with singing toys and perky reindeer, there is a psychopath in a Santa suit screaming about “garbage day,” or a homicidal, wise-cracking snowman. But a truly scary horror film, those are harder to come by. Recently, though, I discovered SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1972), and it saved my sanity from the season’s twentieth bad cover of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”.
Something happened in the Butler mansion on Christmas Eve, 1935. Little is known, other than the mansion had been converted into an asylum in order to provide treatment for Wilfred Butler’s teenage daughter. Neither of them survived, and the asylum was shut down. Fast forward three decades and Butler’s grandson is trying to sell the old house. The city’s elite want it destroyed. And people connected to the house are dying at the hands of a masked killer. Who is it, why are they massacring the town one by one, and what does it have to do with that fateful Christmas Eve?
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT could have easily been a horrible movie. Let’s face it, a psychotic killer and a mental hospital setting are hardly original. Yet somehow writer/director Theodore Gershuny manages to make it as realistic as it can be, consistently suspenseful, and rather unpredictable. The performances were pretty good as well, especially from genre favorites John Carradine and Mary Woronov. There wasn’t much of a budget, but BLOODY NIGHT didn’t need it. The scares came from the great pacing not fancy special effects, so I rarely noticed. It might be that I expected so little going into it but I was pleasantly surprised at how much fun I had with BLOODY NIGHT. So much fun, in fact, that I made it the Christmas Meals for Monsters column.
The Christmas Eve of 1935 included a huge feast with champagne flowing freely. In honor of one of the stars, I’ve named the cocktail:
THE GINGER WORONOV:
1 part ginger ale
4 parts sparkling wine
1 splash bitters
serve cold
You can’t have a feast–especially a Christmas Eve feast–without a roast. The traditional beef rib roast or Chateaubriand can get pricey VERY fast, and would hardly fit the budget of BLOODY NIGHT. An eye of round is a relatively inexpensive beef roast, and can still be delicious if done right.
CHRISTMAS EVE ROAST BEEF:
3-pound eye of round roast
1 bunch fresh sage
1 bunch fresh tarragon
salt and pepper to taste
DIRECTIONS: Preheat the oven to 475 degrees. Soak the herbs in water while the oven heats. When the oven is ready, put the herbs in the roasting pan underneath the rack. Salt and pepper to taste. Put the roast in the hot oven for a half hour. Turn off the oven but DO NOT open the door. Leave the roast in the oven for an hour and a half. This will make it medium doneness. If you prefer your beef more cooked through, increase the initial cooking time. Serve sliced thin.
The Christmas Eve scene included a cameo by Candy Darling, one of my favorite “superstars” from Andy Warhol’s stable of actors. Her role was small and added very little to the overall plot, but she was memorable and a nice little addition to the flick. As a nod to her and her inclusion:
CHRISTMAS CANDY DARLING (aka Peppermint Bark)
1 pound dark chocolate (NOT chips)
1 pound white chocolate (not chips, either)
6 candy canes
Smash the unwrapped candy canes until well pulverized. Line a 9×9 square cake pan with wax paper. In the microwave, heat the dark chocolate in 30 second intervals, stirring in between each, until completely melted (you will be tempted to heat it for longer increments. DON’T DO IT! Trust me.) Pour melted chocolate into the pan, spread evenly, and refrigerate until solid. Heat the white chocolate in the same manner. Pour over the cooled dark chocolate and, before setting in the fridge, sprinkle evenly with the candy cane pieces. Once the candy has hardened, break apart into wedges. Will stay good for weeks, as long as it isn’t stored on a radiator.
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT is in the public domain and easy to get a hold of. Getting a hold of a decent copy, though, is much more difficult. The copy I watched was from Alpha Video and, while grainy, was not unwatchable. And there’s something fun about it, amid the Martha Stewart level of neatness and precision abounding during the holidays, to watch something with flaws and scratches. So relax, let your hair down, and blow off all that holiday season steam with some good, old-fashioned lunatics.
© Copyright 2012 by Jenny Orosel
The Ghost of Christmas Past Presents: ELVES (1989)
Posted in 2011, 80s Horror, B-Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, HOLIDAY CHEER, William Carl Articles with tags 80s horror, Christmas Movies, Dan Haggerty, Elves, evil elves, Julie Austin on December 21, 2012 by knifefighterBill’s Bizarre Bijou
William D. Carl
This Week’s Feature Presentation:
ELVES (1989)
“They’re not working for Santa anymore.”
Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk-till-awn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes!
Ah, Christmas . . . a time to relax on the couch with a cup of warm cocoa (with mini marshmallows, of course), a time to bring the family together to view one of the great holiday films from yesteryear that always brings a tear to your eye and a lump to your throat. What is it to be this year? IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)? MIRACLE ON 34th STREET (1947)? The Mexican atrocity SANTA CLAUS (1959)? No, this year good cheer and warm cockles will be brought to you via the 1989 horror/fantasy film, ELVES. You’ve never heard of it? Well, there’s a reason. Several reasons, in fact.
During a typical Christmas movie title sequence, I discover the star is none other than Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty (Haggerty was the star of THE LIFE AND TIMES OF GRIZZLY ADAMS from 1977 – 1978). This does nothing to instill confidence in the director’s choice, but he does sort of resemble a coked-up Santa with his bulging belly and golden beard.
Next, we meet three typical 80’s chicks, complete with big hair, Spandex outfits, and candles. Their leader, Kirsten, played by Julie Austen (EXTREME JUSTICE – 1993) claims they’re the Sisters of Anti-Christmas, and they decry the holiday as a commercialized, media-driven event. Well, duh. Kirsten displays a piece of nearly pornographic art called ‘The Virgin of Anti-Christmas,’ and they try out a satanic ceremony so one of the girls can obtain the attentions of a boy. They hurry home as a thunderstorm approaches (at Christmas-time?), while something scrawny and wrinkled and rubbery tracks our naughty artist to her home, where she’s bitch-slapped by her German grandfather (Borah Silver, who played Prince on the KOJAK television series from 1973 – 1978). It’s his spell book the girls were using. In the stark lighting of the home, we can plainly see this ‘girl’ is at least forty years old. We also meet her mother, played by Deanna Lund (Valerie on THE LAND OF THE GIANTS TV show from 1968 – 1970), who looks both younger and prettier than her daughter, and she threatens to clean out the girl’s baby-sitting money from her bank account. Cue shower scene, where little brother peeks on Kirsten. When discovered, Sis calls him a pervert. He calmly replies, “I like looking at naked girls. And you’ve got f—-g big t—ts, and I’m gonna tell everyone what I saw!” Meanwhile, the rubbery creature conjured out of the ground watches as sister and brother make up and wrestle inappropriately on her bed. What is with this family?
Anyway, the elf creature breaks a window with its wobbling little rubber fist and we’re treated to two minutes of blurry elf-vision until the gremlin rip-off straddles the foul-mouthed kid brother. Sadly, it doesn’t kill him.
Our hero, Mike McGavin, played by Haggerty, walks into the local department store after giving a few shekels to the Salvation Army outside, so you know he’s a good guy. Due to the prevalence of elf-vision POV shots, we ascertain the creature is following Kirstin to her work in the department store cafe. Behind her, Mike is pleading with the store manager for a job, any job. I think we all see where this is going. The ‘teenaged’ girls get in line and wait to sit on Santa’s lap, where Kris Kringle cops a feel up her leg and talks dirty. Back at home, Mom drowns her daughter’s kitten in the toilet. Why? Just to be mean, that’s why! Joan Crawford had nothing on this evil witch!
Santa’s mild gropings get him fired, and he is promptly castrated by a rubbery knife in a little rubbery hand while he is snorting cocaine. Merry Christmas, everyone! Slay bells ring!
Kirsten arrives home and says, “It was a rough day at work. Santa got murdered.” Grizzly Adams—I mean, Mike—arrives home to his trailer and finds it padlocked. When the girl sees a little monster peeking in her window, her grandpa goes crazy and interrogates her. He speaks to his daughter in German and she screeches, “Don’t start in on those elves again!” Again? Is this a typical conversation in ANY home?
Mike makes friends with Kirsten at the department store, and he’s spotted by the manager. Soon, he’s the new Santa, getting peed on by infants and with a changing room with a bloody chalk-outline on the floor. Luckily, he used to be a detective, so he can investigate the death of the previous St. Nick.
Grandpa has another German friend from the old days, Ruebenkreutz (I’d love a Rueben with kraut, please) who gets really excited when he finds out Grandpa’s granddaughter has been “chosen” by the elf. Grandpa, however, seems less than thrilled.
- It’s not Will Ferrell. It’s an ELF from the 1989 movie ELVES
After investigating in the local library (“Section 666”), Camel-smoking Mike discovers a link between the Nazis and the murder. You see, Hitler ordered his scientists to create a race of supermen (feeble little rubbery guys?), but they must mate with a virgin to achieve their true superpowers. Mike heads back to the store, where he plans to sleep, and the trio of girls break into the place for a party in the lingerie department. Yowza! Three boys show up to join the party. So now we have three bubble-headed, big-haired girls in fancy underwear, Grizzly Adams, an oversexed boy band, and the Elves of the Third Reich all in the same cheap location. Trouble is definitely brewing. And this is before the house detective is killed and three robbers in bad suits (also Nazis) show up. Several people are killed, and the store manager declares “It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. You think anyone’s gonna want to shop here with blood stains on the floor?”
Back home, Gramps is determined to protect Kirsten from his wheelchair, but Mom doesn’t believe in any of his “stupid myths.” Mike enlists the aid of a professor who provides all the exposition necessary . . . and it deals with Noah’s Ark, God, and elves. He’s smart, you know, because he smokes a pipe. He even says about the Nazis, “If you ignore their brutality, they were just a bunch of crackpots.” What?
Mom goes a bit crazy when her daughter says she wants her father. “Go down to the study,” she screeches, harpy-like. “He’s your grandfather and your father!” I waited for the slapping to start (“He’s my father. He’s my grandfather. He’s my father.”) Gramps explains how Mom wasn’t harmed at all, that he needed to sleep with his daughter in order to produce a Kirsten – a receptacle for elf sperm. (All I can say is. . . Ewww!)
Mike tracks down another exposition-spouting John Waters look-alike professor to explain the very last pieces of the elf puzzle to him, and he’s off to the rescue. Racing to Kirsten’s house at an amazing forty miles per hour, his car is possessed by an elf spirit (what the what?) and blows up just as he leaps from the vehicle. But will he make it in time to prevent the master race from being created or even to stop the elf from getting his floppy hands on Kirsten’s virgin (Ha!) body? You’ll have to watch till the ludicrous apocalyptic ending to know for certain, but I really wanted to shout out “Oh, mighty Isis!”
- Grizzly Adams himself (Dan Haggerty) is humanity’s only hope against ELVES!
Dan Haggerty must have been in his pre-Betty Ford Clinic days when he made this. He slurs his lines in a barely intelligible manner that sounds like Brando with a bag of marbles in his mouth. He’s pretty bad, seemingly bored out of his probably stoned skull.
And let’s take a moment to talk about the Elf himself. Despite his crinkled, scary face, the little beastie doesn’t look like he could chase down a double amputee. He’s weak, powerless, and if the elf-o-vision POV is any indication, he’s nearly blind. All he can do is sneak up on the clods in this move and attack them by surprise, because these schmucks don’t even try to fight back. At one point, the elf is actually frightened by a wind-up plush toy pig. They look like the kind of thing you can pick up at any Halloween City to decorate your lawn. Some poor P.A. is probably under it moving it around a bit. And what’s with the plural nature of the title of the movie? There’s only one damn elf in it!
Despite all these problems, ELVES moves quickly from point A to point B, with plenty of quotable dialogue, ugly violence, pretty girls with giant hair and 80’s slang, an extended nude scene by Deanna Lund in a bathtub, a throbbing synth score, car wrecks, scary faces inside Christmas trees, drugs, bad puppetry, and some seriously messed-up family situations. It’s never boring! With a bit of help from a few alcoholic beverages, this would be a laugh riot to watch with friends during the holidays. Peppermint Schnapps would probably be perfect.
More good lines:
“What’s going on? Are we going to be all right?” “No, Grandpa’s a Nazi.”
“Now that Hell is full, I wonder where you will go?”
“Santa said oral.”
A sick and twisted no-budget movie that’ll have you in stitches, this little wonder of ickiness is a cool antidote to all the syrupy Christmas films available, but I wouldn’t rush out to try and locate a copy. Good luck if you do, because it is tough to find.
I give it two incestuous Nazis out of four.
© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl
The Ghost of Christmas Past Presents: BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
Posted in 2010, 70s Horror, HOLIDAY CHEER, Horror DVDs, LL Soares Reviews, Psycho killer with tags Black Christmas, Bob Clark, Christmas Movies, Deathdream, John Saxon, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder on December 21, 2012 by knifefighterBLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
Review by L.L. Soares
Who would have guessed that the guy who gave us PORKY’S back in 1982 would also be the guy to give us two Christmas classics. Yes, TWO. The first one that comes to mind for most people is the movie Bob Clark made in 1983, and which has gone on to become a Christmastime juggernaut – A CHRISTMAS STORY. The story of Little Ralphie and his BB gun seems to be playing in a constant loop in the latter part of December. It’s become as much of a holiday staple as IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE and A CHRISTMAS CAROL. And I’ll admit, it’s a fun movie, as long as you don’t sit in front of the television for days on end watching it 150 times in a row.
But Clark also gave us 1974’s BLACK CHRISTMAS (also known as SILENT NIGHT, EVIL NIGHT), one of the first of the Christmas slasher films. And one of the best.
It may be the most famous of Clark’s early horror movies, probably because it was remade (badly) in 2006.
In BLACK CHRISTMAS, a deranged killer breaks into a sorority house, hides in the attic, and takes his time killing some of the girls who are left behind during the holiday (most of the girls have gone home to see their families). The killer has contacted them before this— by way of obscene phone calls that have plagued the house for a while. The killer says his name is “Billy” and his phone calls are pretty damn weird: he speaks in different voices and seems to be totally wacko.
One of the girls, Claire (Lynne Griffin) disappears, just before her father (James Edmond) comes to the college to pick her up, so he goes to the police, who are at first not very helpful, but grow more concerned as other murders pile up.
The other “girls” include Jessica (Olivia Hussey), the sensible lead; Barbie (a young Margot Kidder—most famous as later being Louis Lane in the Christopher Reeve SUPERMAN movies—and I have to admit she’s pretty hot in this movie!), who likes to drink too much and tell dirty stories; Phyllis (known as “Phil” and played by Andrea Martin of SCTV, in a rare dramatic role) who is the nerdy one; and house mother Mrs. Mac (Marian Waldman), who’s always sneaking drinks and shouting for her cat. And the cop who investigates the case, Lt. Fuller, is played by genre icon John Saxon.
The movie is unique for its camera work (the killer is never shown, and the camera is often from his point of view in his scenes) and weird sound effects (the killer’s phone calls are downright weird and unsettling). This is one case where the killer actually seems frightening and totally unhinged. The fact that not much is explained actually works to the story’s benefit, building suspense. The identity of the killer is also a source of much suspense. Is it Jessica’s boyfriend Peter (Keir Dullea), who seems a bit unstable after a piano recital that fails to impress his professors, and who is angry that Jessica plans to abort their unplanned baby? Or is there going to be a twist as the story develops?
Bob Clark had a real talent for simple little horror flicks that were also very effective. It’s too bad he didn’t seem to be a big horror fan (he treated these early films more as a way to build his film resume). His biggest successes were comedies like the PORKY’S movies and A CHRISTMAST STORY. Then, later in his career, he turned out, almost exclusively, family films like BABY GENIUSES (1999) and KARATE DOG (2004).
BLACK CHRISTMAS is a classic of its kind and a real pioneer, since it pre-dates another “mysterious killer” movie, John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN. Also, its famous “the phone calls are coming from inside the house” storyline was ripped off years later in 1979’s WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (which Bob Clark seems to feel both flattered and annoyed about in a Q&A session that’s one of the extras on the DVD).
The 70s horror films Clark made (especially this one,1974’s DEATHDREAM and CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS from 1973) are all worth checking out. They’re all entertaining and suitably creepy. Clark had a very unique vision for these kinds of things, and I wish he’d made more horror films.
I think DEATHDREAM is the best of the bunch, but BLACK CHRISTMAS probably has the biggest profile of his horror work. Watch it this Christmas with someone you love (and who scares easily!).
© Copyright 2010 by L.L. Soares
Bill’s Bizarre Bijou Visits SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)
Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 1970s Movies, 2012, Adult Fairy Tales, Bad Acting, Based on a True Story, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Campy Movies, Family Films, Fantasy, HOLIDAY CHEER, Just Plain Bad, Magical Movies with tags Bad Movies, Family Films, Holiday Fun, Ice Cream Bunny, Mole People, Santa Claus, Thumbelina on December 20, 2012 by knifefighterBill’s Bizarre Bijou
William D. Carl
This week’s feature presentation:
SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)
Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you, so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.
The Christmas Season is well known for its holiday music and movies, but there is a dark side to the trend of luring kids into matinees to bear witness to forced holiday cheer. For every MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1947), there is a SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964). For every IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946), there’s a corresponding SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984). Actually, there are probably more dreadful Christmas movies than good ones. Somewhere far below the schlocky entertainment offered by the likes of serial-killer turned snowman JACK FROST (1997), the Mexican drugged-out inanities of SANTA CLAUS (1959), or the hell on earth that is JINGLE ALL THE WAY (1996), there is the cesspool entitled SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972/1970 – I’ll explain the date mix-up later). I’ve watched hundreds of Christmas movies over the years, but this one is the true low point, lacking anything even closely resembling entertainment or Christmas cheer. It is a gut-punch to all that is beautiful and holy. It is the first Christmas movie made for children that seems designed to suck any happiness from every starry-eyed child in the world.
You think I am exaggerating? Super glue your eyelids open and turn this baby on.
Behind the credits, kids dressed as elves in outfits made by the producer’s grandma sing an unintelligible song. The only words I can make out are “la-la-la-la-la.” They pet toys, while the credits announce “Thumbelina Insert by B Mahon!” One elf looks outside for Santa and spots stock nature footage of a herd of moose grazing in a summer field! What season is this? A female narrator who sounds like Truman Capote on downers informs us that Santa’s sleigh is stuck in the sand on a beach in Florida. It was so hot, the reindeer have all gone away, and Santa sits in the sleigh, sweats a lot, and waves his hat in front of his face. Sure enough, a too-skinny Santa sits in his sleigh looking around and perspiring, then sings a song through dubbing, “Woe is me…who will give me a helping hand…and get my sleigh out of the sand?” Yep, that half inch of sand is really keeping him trapped and preventing lift-off.
Random kids are shown doing things like skipping rope, playing with dogs, wrestling like gay Greeks, and jumping off the garage roof wearing a parachute. Then, Santa falls instantly asleep, as if his meds just kicked in. The racially diverse group of children, resembling a Benetton ad from the late 1980s, hears an echoing Santa voice calling them and run to the sleigh. Even Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer (and their pet raccoon on a string) steer their raft to the beach to a kazoo band playing Old Man River from the musical SHOW BOAT.
The kids rush off to find something to pull the sleigh from the half inch of sand, leaving Santa alone to sweat again for another couple of long minutes. Santa, instead of being proactive, just sits in the sleigh bemoaning his predicament. This guy gets around the world in one night delivering millions of toys? I doubt he could get to the cupboard for the Doritos.
Santa and the kids strap a pig to the sleigh.
Eventually, the kids return with various animals to help pull the sleigh out of the sand. First, a little girl brings a man in an ape suit, but the sleigh is stuck too tightly. Then, two kids bring a mule, then a screaming pig, a terrified sheep, a brown cow, and a horse. Then, Santa bitches for several more minutes about how he has to get out of the sand so he doesn’t disappoint the children all over the world, but he does nothing to actually escape!
The kids return, so Santa decides to tell the kids a story, and so begins Barry Mahon’s 1970, filmed at Pirate’s World Amusement Park film, THUMBELINA. A hippie-chick with terrifying eyebrows wanders the amusement park while a whole new set of credits play again (is Santa relaying the credits to the kids in his story?). Eventually the mini-skirted chick ends up in a room full of dioramas portraying the tale of Thumbelina, a girl no larger than a clothespin, all narrated by a disembodied voice over a PA system. A single lonely woman goes to a witch to have a child and is rewarded with a freakishly miniscule daughter. The tiny girl leaves her spinster-Mom’s home to get married to a horny frog. She escapes, lives with a woman in a mole costume and eventually falls in love with a rich old mole. They all resemble a relatively restrained furry convention. And, yes, everyone sings a lot of dull songs on semi-professional sets. To be honest, although THUMBELINA is pretty bad, it’s a typical kiddie matinee from the 1960s—no better or worse than most. These things were churned out with ridiculously low budgets and actors from local amateur theater troupes all over the world. Other examples of this odd sub-genre include THE MAGIC LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE, 1967 (directed by the Wizard of Gore himself, H.G. Lewis!), THE PRINCESS AND THE SWINEHERD, 1968, and LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD AND TOM THUMB VS. THE MONSTERS, 1965, which I would love to see! So, if you remember after the hour of Thumbelina, yes, Santa is STILL telling this story to the children on the beach!
As bad as the Thumbelina segment is, it’s like CITIZEN KANE (1941) compared to the Santa segments . . . where we are again, watching Santa sweat while the kids watch him. Nobody seems very motivated to get Santa back to the North Pole. Oh, to return to the cut-rate flower power hippie musical from Pirate’s World. The one directed by Barry Mahon, yes THAT Barry Mahon, who directed PAGAN ISLAND (1961), FANNY HILL MEETS DR. EROTICO (1969), A GOOD TIME WITH A BAD GIRL (1967), THE GIRL WITH THE MAGIC BOX (1965), and THE DIARY OF KNOCKERS MCCALLA (1969). He was the obvious choice to helm a kid’s feature based on a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale! It does, however, explain the strange erotic tension between Thumbelina and Mr. Digger, the mole.
Thumbelina meets a mole woman in the “movie within a movie” inside SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY.
Back to Santa in the sand. . .
The kids suddenly run away, as if learning Santa Claus was a sex offender…or an algebra teacher. Santa strips off his coat and belt, and an antique fire truck (helpfully pushed by a visible production assistant) driven by a guy in a cheap white rabbit suit arrives, and all the kids are piled up in back. It’s a vision of horror as the fire truck is shoved through Pirate’s World and down to the beach. I’m starting to see why this film was made—it’s a 90 minute advertisement for a pathetic amusement park! Yes, this could be the best WTF! moment ever in a children’s production. And it goes on forever! For. Ev. Er. Santa exclaims, “Why my old friend the ice cream bunny!” The hell-spawn rabbit, which had to terrify children everywhere, gives Santa a ride in his fire truck. Then, Santa teleports the sleigh back to the North Pole. What? Why didn’t he just do that at the beginning instead of complaining for what seemed like days about being stranded? Plus, why is this an ice cream bunny? There isn’t a scoop of ice cream to be seen!
Full of padding (including an entire film from two years previous), SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY is easily the worst Christmas movie ever made. From the terrible direction, the lousy acting and dubbing, the bad songs, and the freaky sexy vibe between tiny hippie chicks and earth-burrowing mammals, to the ridiculous ending and scary/evil rabbit suit, this is a movie that can honestly only be enjoyed under the influence of controlled substances or while RiffTrax pokes fun at it. There has never been another movie like this one. Thank God!
I give SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY one closed-down amusement park out of four.
The Santa image that haunts William Carl’s nightmares.
© Copyright 2012 by William D. Carl
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Posted in HOLIDAY CHEER, Uncategorized on October 31, 2012 by knifefighterHappy Halloween from all your friends at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT!
Scroll down and read the three brand-new articles we posted just for Halloween!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Posted in 2011, HOLIDAY CHEER, Special Columns with tags cinema knife fight, Merry Christmas on December 25, 2011 by knifefighterAWWW, DON’T CRY!
THERE’S LOTS MORE CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT TO COME!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOUR FRIENDS HERE AT CINEMAKNIFEFIGHT.COM
A REMOTE OUTPOST CHRISTMAS
Posted in 2011, 60s Movies, Animated Films, HOLIDAY CHEER, Mark Onspaugh Columns, Remote Outpost, Television with tags Charlie Brown, Christmas, Frosty, Grinch, Remote Outpost, Rudolph on December 25, 2011 by knifefighterREMOTE OUTPOST: OUR INTERVIEW WITH THE THREE CHRISTMAS “KINGS”
By Mark Onspaugh
It’s Christmas here at the Outpost, just like it is on your home world. Rather than review a bygone Christmas special or movie from the Vast Wasteland, I thought I would interview the stars of the three best Christmas specials ever made: RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1964), A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS (1965) and HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (1966).
Rudolph, Charlie Brown and the Grinch joined me in the main lounge overlooking the Plains of Slow Death—the area is hostile and toxic, but the sunsets are amazing. I was disappointed that Charlie Brown had not brought Snoopy, nor had the Grinch brought Max, but the journey to the Outpost seems particularly traumatic to dogs and toddlers.
The three had met previously at various gatherings (notably Icons & Immortals), so we got right into it.
OUTPOST: You each star in a special that was made over 40 years ago, yet most would agree they are still superior to many made since. How does it feel to be part of something that people have passed down to children and even grandchildren.
RUDOLPH: It’s wonderful. After having so much trouble as a fawn, it’s nice to know so many people think I’m cute. (Nose glows and squeaks.)
RUDOLPH - friend to children everywhere and Santa's spare flashlight
CHARLIE BROWN: I don’t know… My life is pretty much the same. I still haven’t talked to that Little Red-haired Girl and our team never wins.
THE GRINCH: My life is very satisfying. I have a piece of the merchandising and invested in various resorts and condos and shopping mall developments in Whoville.
OUTPOST: Is that really in keeping with your reformed Grinchiness? Heart three sizes bigger and all?
THE GRINCH: I’m kinder, but I’m not an idiot.
(A communique arrives from L.L. Soares of Earth)
OUTPOST: One of our readers wants to know why FROSTY THE SNOWMAN (1969) isn’t being interviewed.
(All three make sour faces.)
RUDOLPH: I hate that guy!
CHARLIE BROWN: What a blockhead… No, what a (expletive deleted)-head!
THE GRINCH: Do you know what I sent him last Christmas? A hair dryer.
(Rudolph and Charlie Brown laugh.)
OUTPOST: Why no love for Frosty?
RUDOLPH: He’s just so annoying—every winter he comes back and acts like he’s risen from the freaking grave or something.
CHARLIE BROWN: And he’s mean—he gave Schroeder frost bite… kid couldn’t play Beethoven for two months.
CHARLIE BROWN - Christmas sad sack.
THE GRINCH: His heart is ice… which is fitting, I suppose.
OUTPOST: Wow, I’m glad we didn’t invite him. I have to admit, although I liked Jackie Vernon, I always found Frosty annoying.
Do you three still see your co-stars?
RUDOLPH: Sure—Clarisse and I got married some time ago, and we have some fawns of our own. Blinky, Winky, Twinkly, Strobe, Low-Watt, Burnout, Halogen –
OUTPOST: Great, great… But I guess people are really curious about Hermey and Yukon Cornelius.
RUDOLPH: Hermey is really famous, now. He got the Easter Bunny account and married the Tooth Fairy. There were a lot of jokes when they announced their engagement, but they’re very happy. Yukon was filming a reality show, “In Search of Silver and Gold” and was lost somewhere in the Siberian wastes… The Bumble and some of the Misfit Toys went looking for him… Soon as I finish up here, I’m going to join the search with my kids Blinky, Winky, Twinkly –
OUTPOST: Great, great… Charlie Brown?
CHARLIE BROWN: I’m under contract with Dolly Madison. I work with the same people and we all stay eight years old. The pay is good, but we all stay eight years old… And our parents are the horn section of the L.A. Philharmonic.
OUTPOST: That sounds more like a Twilight Zone episode…
CHARLIE BROWN: Tell me about it.
THE GRINCH: I still see all the Whos… And every year I go to the Christmas Villains convention—usually ride with the Bumble—it’s the only time I can get together with Heat Miser, Snow Miser and the Burgermeister Meisterburger. Those are good times.
THE GRINCH - no longer a "mean one?"
OUTPOST: Grinch, you’re in a unique position in this panel—you are both the villain and the hero of your Christmas special. Aside from yourself, who do you think is the greatest Christmas villain of all time?
THE GRINCH: Ebenezer Scrooge, no question… Part of my lineage is tied to Boris Karloff, you know, so I appreciate the classics.
OUTPOST: Ah, A CHRISTMAS CAROL, based on the work of Charles Dickens. There have been so many versions of that classic tale—do you, like most, prefer the 1951 version with Alastair Sim? The 1938 version with Reginald Owen?
THE GRINCH: As wonderful as those both are, I must admit I am particularly fond of SCROOGED (1988) with Bill Murray.
RUDOLPH: That’s a great one!
CHARLIE BROWN: It’s really funny—it almost makes me forget my dog has a richer life than I do.
OUTPOST: Okay, time for some tough questions. Rudolph, you were in a couple of sequels to your eponymous special. You were the sweet reindeer with a “difference” that made you an object of ridicule…
RUDOLPH: Oh boy, you don’t need a “neon nose” to see where this is going…
OUTPOST: Yet, in RUDOLPH’S SHINY NEW YEAR (1976), the baby New Year is self-conscious about his huge ears… and you laugh at him!
RUDOLPH: (sighs) Yeah, I was under contract to do some sequels—I wasn’t happy with that particular aspect, which they tried to explain away as people laughing with Baby New Year, not at him. Since it humiliated him, I thought that was all so much Bumble-s**t – however, I was made a fawn again in that one (even though I was grown by the end of the first special), and lacked the confidence to fight for changes.
OUTPOST: I guess that explains the horrible animation of RUDOLPH AND THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS (2001).
RUDOLPH: That piece of crap! I usually tell people that’s my slow-witted cousin Adolph.
OUTPOST: Charlie Brown—the world wants to know—why in the hell do you try and kick that football that Lucy holds? She needs a good rap in the chops.
CHARLIE BROWN: I honestly don’t know, I really don’t. I’ve been to a ton of therapists—apparently I have “Dennis the Menace Syndrome” which is a permanent state of child-regression and arrested development— it’s like a Peter Pan complex, but for comic strip characters. Rats.
OUTPOST: Uh huh, uh huh… well, next time tell her Snoopy will go for her throat if she pulls that s**t again.
CHARLIE BROWN: Wouldn’t that be something? Good grief!
OUTPOST: And Grinch…
THE GRINCH: Is this about the 2000 Jim Carrey movie?
OUTPOST: Yes! They took a beautiful, succinct and elegant twenty-two minute short and—
THE GRINCH: I am in litigation over this very issue and have been advised by counsel not to discuss the matter. Although my profits from the venture were extensive, and led not only to the building of Whoville University and the Grinch Cancer Ward at the Whoville Medical Center, I felt the movie and its portrayal of … Let’s just table that until after the lawsuit, shall we?
OUTPOST: Fair enough. It is unfortunate that each of you starred in such a masterwork, and later callous and money-grubbing fat cats used your name and nostalgia to put out inferior trash.
RUDOLPH: That’s the nature of the beast, man.
THE GRINCH: Amen to that, brother!
CHARLIE BROWN: Rats.
OUTPOST: I’d like to open up the lines now for more questi –
(At this point, the wall began to melt and freeze simultaneously… The plasteel structure buckled and then collapsed, and a large vehicle bristling with weapons broke through. The thing careened across the now-icy floor and nearly took out both Rudolph and the shield generator. Thankfully, the generator was not hit and was able to seal the breach… Rudolph, being able to fly, was able to lift off… However, in his panicked state he did soil our Security Chief, who rushed in at the first alarm. I know this seems like a bid for a cheap laugh, but it wasn’t funny at the time.
The turret popped open, and George Bailey leaped out onto the faring…)
GEORGE BAILEY: Hello, you old Outpost! Merry Christmas, Rudolph! Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown! Merry Christmas, you old Grinch!
(George was followed by a lot of people in true clown car fashion: Ebenezer Scrooge, Santa Claus, Buddy the Elf, Patch the Elf, King Moonracer, Pitch the Demon, Lupita, Zuzu, Mary, Ralphie with his Red Ryder BB gun, the Bumble, the Winter Warlock, Sam the Snowman, Snow Miser, Heat Miser, Burgermeister Meisterburger, Hermey, the Tooth Fairy, the conductor from The Polar Express, all the Misfit Toys, Tiny Tim, Frank Cross, Claire, Eliot Loudermilk, various avatars of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, Mr. Magoo, Art Carney, Good King Wenceslas, various waifs, waitresses and ne’er-do-wells from a thousand Hallmark specials, Fred Claus, Bad Santa, all the denizens of the North Pole, Hannukah Harry, Sandy Claws, Jack Skellington, the Griswolds, all those Martians Santa Claus conquered and everyone who ever had a Christmas special or a very special Christmas episode…
…all except for Frosty the Snowman, who everyone agrees is a real ass.)
*****
As for me, I broke out the Egg Nogger 5000, refilled the rum tanks and dug out the all the old Christmas albums…
It was the best party ever.
The Remote Outpost can be a lonely place, until your friends arrive.
To you and yours, from all of us at the REMOTE OUTPOST, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah and a joyful time, whatever you celebrate.
REMOTE OUTPOST… out.
© Copyright 2011 by Mark Onspaugh
Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: ELVES (1989)
Posted in 2011, 80s Horror, B-Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, HOLIDAY CHEER, William Carl Articles with tags Christmas Movies, Dan Haggerty, Elves, evil elves, Julie Austin on December 22, 2011 by knifefighterBill’s Bizarre Bijou
William D. Carl
This Week’s Feature Presentation:
ELVES (1989)
“They’re not working for Santa anymore.”
Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk-till-awn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes!
Ah, Christmas . . . a time to relax on the couch with a cup of warm cocoa (with mini marshmallows, of course), a time to bring the family together to view one of the great holiday films from yesteryear that always brings a tear to your eye and a lump to your throat. What is it to be this year? IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)? MIRACLE ON 34th STREET (1947)? The Mexican atrocity SANTA CLAUS (1959)? No, this year good cheer and warm cockles will be brought to you via the 1989 horror/fantasy film, ELVES. You’ve never heard of it? Well, there’s a reason. Several reasons, in fact.
During a typical Christmas movie title sequence, I discover the star is none other than Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty (Haggerty was the star of THE LIFE AND TIMES OF GRIZZLY ADAMS from 1977 – 1978). This does nothing to instill confidence in the director’s choice, but he does sort of resemble a coked-up Santa with his bulging belly and golden beard.
Next, we meet three typical 80’s chicks, complete with big hair, Spandex outfits, and candles. Their leader, Kirsten, played by Julie Austen (EXTREME JUSTICE – 1993) claims they’re the Sisters of Anti-Christmas, and they decry the holiday as a commercialized, media-driven event. Well, duh. Kirsten displays a piece of nearly pornographic art called ‘The Virgin of Anti-Christmas,’ and they try out a satanic ceremony so one of the girls can obtain the attentions of a boy. They hurry home as a thunderstorm approaches (at Christmas-time?), while something scrawny and wrinkled and rubbery tracks our naughty artist to her home, where she’s bitch-slapped by her German grandfather (Borah Silver, who played Prince on the KOJAK television series from 1973 – 1978). It’s his spell book the girls were using. In the stark lighting of the home, we can plainly see this ‘girl’ is at least forty years old. We also meet her mother, played by Deanna Lund (Valerie on THE LAND OF THE GIANTS TV show from 1968 – 1970), who looks both younger and prettier than her daughter, and she threatens to clean out the girl’s baby-sitting money from her bank account. Cue shower scene, where little brother peeks on Kirsten. When discovered, Sis calls him a pervert. He calmly replies, “I like looking at naked girls. And you’ve got f—-g big t—ts, and I’m gonna tell everyone what I saw!” Meanwhile, the rubbery creature conjured out of the ground watches as sister and brother make up and wrestle inappropriately on her bed. What is with this family?
Anyway, the elf creature breaks a window with its wobbling little rubber fist and we’re treated to two minutes of blurry elf-vision until the gremlin rip-off straddles the foul-mouthed kid brother. Sadly, it doesn’t kill him.
Our hero, Mike McGavin, played by Haggerty, walks into the local department store after giving a few shekels to the Salvation Army outside, so you know he’s a good guy. Due to the prevalence of elf-vision POV shots, we ascertain the creature is following Kirstin to her work in the department store cafe. Behind her, Mike is pleading with the store manager for a job, any job. I think we all see where this is going. The ‘teenaged’ girls get in line and wait to sit on Santa’s lap, where Kris Kringle cops a feel up her leg and talks dirty. Back at home, Mom drowns her daughter’s kitten in the toilet. Why? Just to be mean, that’s why! Joan Crawford had nothing on this evil witch!
Santa’s mild gropings get him fired, and he is promptly castrated by a rubbery knife in a little rubbery hand while he is snorting cocaine. Merry Christmas, everyone! Slay bells ring!
Kirsten arrives home and says, “It was a rough day at work. Santa got murdered.” Grizzly Adams—I mean, Mike—arrives home to his trailer and finds it padlocked. When the girl sees a little monster peeking in her window, her grandpa goes crazy and interrogates her. He speaks to his daughter in German and she screeches, “Don’t start in on those elves again!” Again? Is this a typical conversation in ANY home?
Mike makes friends with Kirsten at the department store, and he’s spotted by the manager. Soon, he’s the new Santa, getting peed on by infants and with a changing room with a bloody chalk-outline on the floor. Luckily, he used to be a detective, so he can investigate the death of the previous St. Nick.
Grandpa has another German friend from the old days, Ruebenkreutz (I’d love a Rueben with kraut, please) who gets really excited when he finds out Grandpa’s granddaughter has been “chosen” by the elf. Grandpa, however, seems less than thrilled.
It's not Will Ferrell. It's an ELF from the 1989 movie ELVES
After investigating in the local library (“Section 666”), Camel-smoking Mike discovers a link between the Nazis and the murder. You see, Hitler ordered his scientists to create a race of supermen (feeble little rubbery guys?), but they must mate with a virgin to achieve their true superpowers. Mike heads back to the store, where he plans to sleep, and the trio of girls break into the place for a party in the lingerie department. Yowza! Three boys show up to join the party. So now we have three bubble-headed, big-haired girls in fancy underwear, Grizzly Adams, an oversexed boy band, and the Elves of the Third Reich all in the same cheap location. Trouble is definitely brewing. And this is before the house detective is killed and three robbers in bad suits (also Nazis) show up. Several people are killed, and the store manager declares “It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. You think anyone’s gonna want to shop here with blood stains on the floor?”
Back home, Gramps is determined to protect Kirsten from his wheelchair, but Mom doesn’t believe in any of his “stupid myths.” Mike enlists the aid of a professor who provides all the exposition necessary . . . and it deals with Noah’s Ark, God, and elves. He’s smart, you know, because he smokes a pipe. He even says about the Nazis, “If you ignore their brutality, they were just a bunch of crackpots.” What?
Mom goes a bit crazy when her daughter says she wants her father. “Go down to the study,” she screeches, harpy-like. “He’s your grandfather and your father!” I waited for the slapping to start (“He’s my father. He’s my grandfather. He’s my father.”) Gramps explains how Mom wasn’t harmed at all, that he needed to sleep with his daughter in order to produce a Kirsten – a receptacle for elf sperm. (All I can say is. . . Ewww!)
Mike tracks down another exposition-spouting John Waters look-alike professor to explain the very last pieces of the elf puzzle to him, and he’s off to the rescue. Racing to Kirsten’s house at an amazing forty miles per hour, his car is possessed by an elf spirit (what the what?) and blows up just as he leaps from the vehicle. But will he make it in time to prevent the master race from being created or even to stop the elf from getting his floppy hands on Kirsten’s virgin (Ha!) body? You’ll have to watch till the ludicrous apocalyptic ending to know for certain, but I really wanted to shout out “Oh, mighty Isis!”
Grizzly Adams himself (Dan Haggerty) is humanity's only hope against ELVES!
Dan Haggerty must have been in his pre-Betty Ford Clinic days when he made this. He slurs his lines in a barely intelligible manner that sounds like Brando with a bag of marbles in his mouth. He’s pretty bad, seemingly bored out of his probably stoned skull.
And let’s take a moment to talk about the Elf himself. Despite his crinkled, scary face, the little beastie doesn’t look like he could chase down a double amputee. He’s weak, powerless, and if the elf-o-vision POV is any indication, he’s nearly blind. All he can do is sneak up on the clods in this move and attack them by surprise, because these schmucks don’t even try to fight back. At one point, the elf is actually frightened by a wind-up plush toy pig. They look like the kind of thing you can pick up at any Halloween City to decorate your lawn. Some poor P.A. is probably under it moving it around a bit. And what’s with the plural nature of the title of the movie? There’s only one damn elf in it!
Despite all these problems, ELVES moves quickly from point A to point B, with plenty of quotable dialogue, ugly violence, pretty girls with giant hair and 80’s slang, an extended nude scene by Deanna Lund in a bathtub, a throbbing synth score, car wrecks, scary faces inside Christmas trees, drugs, bad puppetry, and some seriously messed-up family situations. It’s never boring! With a bit of help from a few alcoholic beverages, this would be a laugh riot to watch with friends during the holidays. Peppermint Schnapps would probably be perfect.
More good lines:
“What’s going on? Are we going to be all right?” “No, Grandpa’s a Nazi.”
“Now that Hell is full, I wonder where you will go?”
“Santa said oral.”
A sick and twisted no-budget movie that’ll have you in stitches, this little wonder of ickiness is a cool antidote to all the syrupy Christmas films available, but I wouldn’t rush out to try and locate a copy. Good luck if you do, because it is tough to find.
I give it two incestuous Nazis out of four.
© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl
