Archive for the Fun Stuff! Category

« Older Entries

QUICK CUTS: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SAM RAIMI MOVIE?

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2013, Classic Films, Crime Films, Demonic Possession, Demons, Drive-in Movies, Fun Stuff!, Horror, Indie Horror, Marvel Comics, Quick Cuts, Sam Raimi, Superheroes with tags , , , on March 15, 2013 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS:  WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SAM RAIMI MOVIE?
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Daniel Keohane, Kelly Laymon, and Paul McMahon

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  With Sam Raimi’s latest movie OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (2013) now in theaters, we’ve decided to celebrate the occasion by asking our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters to name their favorite Sam Raimi film.

Okay Cinema Knife Fighters, What’s your favorite Sam Raimi movie, and why? 

*****

DANIEL KEOHANE:  I’d have to say SPIDER-MAN (2002), being a major web-slinger fan as a kid. Granted, ARMY OF DARKNESS (1992) was a hoot when I saw it at 2:00 am during a 24-hour film festival… but overall, his first SPIDER-MAN is on top of the list.

Spider Man poster

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Yeah, I have to agree with you.  My favorite has to be the first SPIDER-MAN (2002), as well.  True, SPIDER-MAN 2 (2004) might be the better movie, but I remember being so blown away and impressed by the first one, for me, it remains my favorite Raimi picture.

Sure, there are his EVIL DEAD movies, and his thrillers like THE GIFT (2000), and the current OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is pretty amazing, but personally, I prefer Spidey over the Wizard and a bunch of munchkins any day of the week.

KELLY LAYMON:  I have zero interest in the new OZ flick. Partly because I thought it was released four weeks ago when they had the giant premiere by my old apartment and I had to see James Franco, Mila Kunis, and Michelle Williams in a true giant hot air balloon above my apartment.

simple_plan_poster

But as much as I enjoy the EVIL DEAD films and the SPIDER-MAN flicks, I might have to go A SIMPLE PLAN (1998) on this one. (And I’m overlooking his baseball flick, which people know kills me!) But I just love a good crime movie where money and some dead bodies muddy the entire situation. I love stories about people who are presented with an opportunity and act drastically.

PAUL MCMAHON:  THE EVIL DEAD (1981) is my favorite Raimi film. I had a co-worker hand me a VHS tape of it.

“This is the worst-looking movie you’ll ever love,” he said.

I watched it twice in a row that night and ordered my first copy the next morning. The rest of his work is pretty good (with the possible exception of SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007), but I can’t imagine living in a world where THE EVIL DEAD doesn’t exist.

the-evil-dead-original-1981-poster

L.L. SOARES: Yeah, I have to agree with Paul. I remember seeing THE EVIL DEAD the first time at a drive-in theater. It was the second feature after George A. Romero’s DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), which I had seen about 10 times by then. I’d heard about EVIL DEAD but hadn’t seen it, and it was a real treat. It was just gory and insane and Bruce Campbell was amazing as Ash. While I’ve enjoyed Raimi’s work since then, including his often-overlooked slapstick flick CRIME WAVE (1985) and the underrated DRAG ME TO HELL (2009), nothing comes close to the original EVIL DEAD for me.

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Well that’s it for this edition of QUICK CUTS. See you again next week with reviews of more new movies.

—END—

4 Comments »

JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)

Posted in 2013, Apocalyptic Films, Bizarro Movies, CGI, Cinema Knife Fights, Dark Comedies, ESP, Fun Stuff!, Heightened Abilities, Highly Stylized Films, Just Plain Fun, Just Plain Weird, LL Soares Reviews, Monsters, Plot Twists, Psychic Powers, Something Different, Twisted, Unusual Films with tags , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2013 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)
By L.L. Soares (with a guest appearance by Michael Arruda)

John-Dies-at-the-End-poster

(THE SCENE: An all-night Chinese restaurant at midnight. DAVID WONG —looking a lot like actor Chase Williamson—sits in a booth. MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES enter and sit down across from him)

WONG: I didn’t think you’d make it.

LS: We’re professionals. Of course we made it.

WONG: Did anyone follow you?

MA: No, I made sure to drive erratically to throw anyone off our trail.

LS: You drove like that on purpose?

MA: Of course I did.

LS: Yeah, sure.

WONG: Enough of your bickering. I only have a limited time to tell you all about the soy sauce and the creatures from another dimension and the remarkable Dr. Albert Marconi.

LS: No need. We just saw the movie. We’re all up to date.

WONG: Are you sure? Did you watch the right movie?

LS: Of course we did!

MA: Calm down. Why don’t you tell him what you saw?

LS: Okay, sure. The movie JOHN DIES AT THE END is the tale of David Wong, who looked just like you…

(WONG nods)

LS: Wong is in a restaurant, just like this one, telling his tale to a reporter named Arnie Blondestone (Paul Giamatti). It’s about how he was pulled into a secret plan to save the Earth, along with his friend John (Rob Mayes), who sings in a punk rock band called Three Armed Sally.

Wong’s story begins with a chance meeting with a Jamaican guy at a party named Robert Marley, who tells David several things he should not know. Later that night, or rather the next morning at 3am, David is awoken by a call from his friend John, begging for help. He goes to help John battle some supernatural baddies and then ends up in a police station where a detective tells him that the night before, a bunch of people went to the trailer of a certain Robert Marley after a party and four are missing, the rest are dead, and John is a suspect. David has no clue what is going on, but a phone call from John (that was made the night before but just reaches him now) tells him he needs to get out of there. But he has to fight a man who appears to be a cop (but isn’t) first.

To explain beyond this (early) point would be kind of pointless. JOHN DIES AT THE END isn’t that kind of linear, straight-forward movie that caters to an easy synopsis. Suffice to say that David Wong goes on an adventure that involves a girl named Amy (Fabianne Therese) who has one prosthetic hand, her dog Bark Lee, Dave’s friend Fred (Jimmy Wong), a white rapper wannabe named Justin White (Jonny Weston), the world-famous magician Dr. Marconi (Clancy Brown), and John, who dies early on in the movie, but doesn’t exactly stay dead.

The catalyst for all this is a drug called “soy sauce” (because that’s what it looks like). When you take it, either it creates vivid hallucinations or opens your mind to realities we aren’t normally aware of. I’m not saying which. It’s also alive and when ingested it either kills you, or uses you for its own purposes. And those purposes ultimately involve a plot by people in an alternate world who worship a living machine called Korrok (voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson), and their desire to enter our plane of existence and make our world like theirs—a horrible place that lives only to serve Korrok.

The movie was based on the novel by David Wong…

(WONG nods)

LS: …this is getting a little confusing.

The movie is pretty good. mainly because you’re never sure what is going to happen next. I liked the fast, witty repartee in this one, and the rapid-fire pacing. A lot of times critics compare certain movies to amusement park rides, like roller coasters, but this movie lives up to the comparison.

It was directed by the great Don Coscarelli, who also gave us the classic PHANTASM (1979), THE BEASTMASTER (1982) and BUBBA HO-TEP (2002), and he does another cracker jack job here, bringing the novel to life.

The cast is pretty solid. I liked Chase Williamson as Wong a lot, he was a strong central character here…

(WONG nods)

LS: And the great Paul Giamatti rarely gives a bad performance. He’s good here, too, but his character is mostly around so Wong can tell him his story (and in the process, tell us). Rob Mayes, who plays John, might be familiar to some people from TV shows like the new version of 90210 and THE CLIENT LIST. And Clancy Brown, as the all-powerful Marconi, has been in tons of stuff from THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BONZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION (1984) to THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994) to STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997) and lots of television shows. I thought he was especially good in the sadly short-lived HBO series CARNIVALE (2003 – 2005), where he played Brother Justin Crowe.

Other recognizable faces include Angus Scrimm (the “Tall Man” from the PHANTASM movies) as a priest named Father Shellnut. And Doug Jones—mostly known for roles where he’s not so recognizable, including Abe Sapien in the HELLBOY movies, the Faun and the Pale Man from PAN’S LABYRINTH, 2006, and the Silver Surfer in FANTASTIC 4: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, 2007—plays a strange alien being named Roger North.

The cast is really good and the story gives us a good mix of thrills and laughs. The sheer unpredictable nature of the movie is what makes it so unique and enjoyable. Not everything is perfect—but for the most part I thought it worked really well. I give it three knives. People should check this one out.

WONG: Just three, huh?

LS: Errr…Tell him what you thought of it, Michael?

MA: I didn’t see it.

LS: What are you talking about? Of course you saw it. You were telling me all about it in the ride up here.

MA: Sorry. You must be mistaken.

(MA begins to make strange noises)

WONG: I think there’s something wrong with your friend.

(MA suddenly turns into a gooey monster with writhing tentacles)

LS: That wasn’t Michael at all! I’ve been tricked!

(WONG pulls out a gun and blasts the creature, which disintegrates.)

LS: Whew. That was a close call.

WONG: Your mission has been compromised. They’re on to us.

LS: I guess that means I better leave, huh?

WONG: Do what you want, but I’m out of here.

(WONG disappears)

LS: Wow. Neat trick.

(LS waves waitress over and lifts a menu)

LS: I’ll have number 4 and number 15 to go, and make it quick. Okay?

WAITRESS: Right away, sir.

LS (to audience): Well, at least this wasn’t a total loss.

© Copyright 2013 by L.L. Soares

LL Soares gives JOHN DIES AT THE END ~three knives.

1 Comment »

A HAUNTED HOUSE (2012)

Posted in 2013, Comedies, Evil Spirits, Exorcism Movies, Faux Documentaries, Fun Stuff!, Ghosts!, Haunted Houses, LL Soares Reviews, Parodies, Possessed By Demons, R-Rated Comedy, Spoofs with tags , , , , , , , on January 14, 2013 by knifefighter

A HAUNTED HOUSE (2013)
Movie Review by L.L. Soares

A-Haunted-House-poster

While Michael was seeing GANGSTER SQUAD, I opted to check out this comedy starring Marlon Wayans instead, and I’m glad I did. A HAUNTED HOUSE, despite the lame, generic title, is actually a pretty good comedy, taking aim at all of the “found footage” horror films we’ve been subjected to lately, from the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY films, to THE LAST EXORCISM (2010) and last year’s THE DEVIL INSIDE.

The found footage genre is so prevalent in the movies these days, that it was only a matter of time before someone skewered them. So along comes actor/writer Marlon Wayans (who’s been in everything from the TV show IN LIVING COLOR, 1992 – 2001, to the first two SCARY MOVIEs and WHITE CHICKS, 2004), to do the skewering.

Marlon stars as Malcolm, a likeable guy who tells us early on that this is a big day, because his girlfriend, Kisha (Essence Atkins), is finally moving into his house. Like the people in those PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies, Malcolm is obsessed with filming everything that goes on in his house. Things start off on a bad foot when Kisha runs over his poor little dog pulling into the driveway, and they just get worse from there. When Kisha is upset that her keys are on the floor (How did they get there?!!), she immediately deduces that the house must be haunted and calls in a psychic named Chip (Nick Swardson), who seems a little too interested in Malcolm. When things get weirder, Malcolm calls in a security guy named Dan (David Koechner) to install cameras all over the inside and outside of his house, so that he can keep track of the “ghost.” An especially funny scene involves Malcolm’s cousin Ray-Ray (Affion Crockett) and his crew, a group of thugs who are determined to get to the bottom of the haunting, but find out it’s not that easy to intimidate a supernatural being.

When Malcolm and Kisha determine that it’s not a ghost at all, but a malicious demon (!), there’s a funny flashback to Kisha’s childhood with her callous Mom (Robin Thede) and Dad (the always hilarious J.B. Smoove), that delves into the origins of Kisha’s demon problem. Malcolm and Kisha do everything they can to get rid of their unwanted visitor, including getting stoned with the invisible creep (they all get mellow and engage ins some supernatural hijinks), and even having sex with the demon (while Kisha has a good time with this, Malcolm’s experience isn’t quite so pleasant).

Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kisha (Essence Atkins) find themselves in A HAUNTED HOUSE.

Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kisha (Essence Atkins) find themselves in A HAUNTED HOUSE.

When Kisha finally gets possessed by the demon (and we get into EXORCISM territory), Malcolm finally has to call in the big guns, which include psychic Chip, Dan and his cameraman sidekick, Bob (Dave Sheridan), who have their own paranormal TV show (on the Internet and cable access) and the local priest (and ex-con), Father Williams (Cedric the Entertainer, who’s really good here). They chase the possessed Kisha all over the house, with funny results.

Directed by Michael Tiddes, and written by Marlon Wayans and Rick Alvarez, A HAUNTED HOUSE could easily be part of the SCARY MOVIE franchise, but those movies have been taken over by the Zucker Brothers (the guys behind the AIRPLANE and NAKED GUN movies). That said, A HAUNTED HOUSE seemed to be funnier than the usual SCARY MOVIE installment, with a higher ratio of laughs.

Marlon Wayans does a fine job as our “hero,” Malcolm. Essence Atkins is really funny as Kisha, and the entire cast is pretty solid. Other supporting players include Andrew Daly (who you might recognize from the HBO series EASTBOUND AND DOWN) and Alanna Ubach, as Steve and Jenny, a swinger couple who are friends with Malcolm and Kisha, and who are always trying to get them to swap partners (Malcolm is completely clueless to their intentions), and Marlene Forte as Malcolm’s maid, Rosa, who is up to some very surprising shenanigans when the couple is away.

If a comedy is judged by how much you laugh, then A HAUNTED HOUSE is a success. I laughed a lot, and so did the packed audience I saw it with. The gags in this one come fast and furious, and most of them work. It doesn’t hurt that the movies this one is spoofing have created their own list of clichés just waiting to be goofed on.

I give A HAUNTED HOUSE, three knives. But man, do I wish they had come up with a better title.

© Copyright 2013 by L.L. Soares

LL Soares gives A HAUNTED HOUSE ~three knives.

haunted_house_ver2

1 Comment »

“Meals for Monsters” Visits THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011)

Posted in 2012, Fun Stuff!, Jenny Orosel Columns, Joss Whedon, Meals for Monsters, Monsters with tags , , , on October 3, 2012 by knifefighter

MEALS FOR MONSTERS
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011)
Review and Recipes by Jenny Orosel

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011) is one of those movies that people absolutely love or passionately hate.  I loved it, and that was purely accidental.

A few months after the birth of my daughter, I had an afternoon to myself and a free movie pass.  I’d fallen out of the movie loop and was only vaguely familiar with half the titles showing.  THE CABIN IN THE WOODS sounded like your typical slasher flick and the previews reiterated that.  On my way out the door I heard my husband say, “Oh, that’s interesting.  Joss Whedon wrote the script.”  From that moment my expectations went out the window.

In case you’ve been living in Amish country for the past decade and a half, Joss Whedon is the mastermind behind genre-tweaking shows like BUFFY THE VAPIRE SLAYER and FIREFLY.  For CABIN, he went all out.  Five college students plan for a weekend at the titular cabin.  They cover the slasher film archetypes—the innocent, the slut, the stoner, the nerd and the jock.  After reading strange words from a diary in the basement, the five are pursued by a century-old redneck-cannibal-zombie family.  Only, it’s not so simple.  The slut has a brain, the nerd is good looking and athletic, the innocent isn’t all that innocent, and the redneck-cannibal-zombie family was sent by a nameless organization who set up the whole weekend specifically to make sure those five die a miserable, violent death.  Will they survive the cannibals or will the organization step in and do the job themselves?

The plot isn’t what made CABIN great, although it was a fun story. Few movies could have as many in-jokes and odd references as CABIN did and make them integral to the story. Whedon and director Drew Goddard blended in those references both at the forefront and the background of the movie.  Even after repeated viewings, I was still able to spot things that I hadn’t noticed before.  So here’s a meal that, not only could work for a trip to a cabin in the woods, but also while sitting in front of the TV, watching CABIN for the third time.

Very little is actually consumed in CABIN.  The kids drink beer in the woods, and the organization drones have coffee and tequila.  Beer is easy—open, drink.  But if beer’s not your speed, try:

CABIN COFFEE WITH A KICK

Ingredients:
3 tablespoons sweetened instant cinnamon coffee
1 ½ cups boiling water
1 shot tequila

Directions:
Dissolve the coffee in the boiling water and let cool (because warm tequila is rather nasty).  Mix with the shot of tequila and enjoy either straight or over ice.

****

Every time my family would go camping, canned beef stew was a staple.  It travelled well, was easy to heat and eat, and was a somewhat well-rounded meal.  Two negatives were that it wasn’t very interesting, and you still had to clean up a bunch of bowls.  A decent hot sauce will at least aid in the first.  The second can be solved with edible biscuit bowls.

EDIBLE BISCUIT BOWLS

For those, you need:
Tube of refrigerated biscuit dough
Muffin pan

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Separate the dough into individual biscuits.  Flatten each until it’s about three to four inches across.  Flip the pan over and stretch the dough over the indentations, pinching together any excess.  Bake for 8-10 minutes until browned.  They can either be eaten hot at home, filled with stew or chunky-style soup, or they can easily be cooled off and packed for your next trip into the woods.  When planning, figure three to four bowls per person.

Edible Biscut Bowls – the finished product!

*****

The dessert is to honor the character of Marty, the “stoner” archetype.  While his first on-screen appearance is toking from a travel-mug-turned-bong, he turned out to be much more important.  So, as a nod to him:

HERBAL BROWNIES

Ingredients:
2 sticks butter, melted then cooled to room temperature
4 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
1 tbsp vanilla
1 ¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
½ cup flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/3 chopped herbs (I used mint for my brownies, but feel free to use any other…herbs).

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees.  Butter and flour an 8×8 pan.  Mix the eggs and sugar.  Combine in all but the last ingredients.  Fold in the herbs (being careful to emit stems and twigs).  Bake for 45 minutes.  Once cooled, slice and remove from pan.

*****

On a side note, I want to say that Netflix displeases me.  I was excited to watch the DVD, hearing there was an audio commentary and some fun extras.  The copy from Netflix?  It has Spanish subtitles and four trailers, including two movies that came out a couple years ago.  At least it was the same movie I remembered.

Whether you watch the bare bones version or the blu-ray with 1001 extras, THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is a fun movie and one of the rare ones that can hold up to repeat viewings.  Hopefully you try something from here the next time you watch it, and I hope you enjoy.

© Copyright 2012 by Jenny Orosel

1 Comment »

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (2012)

Posted in 2012, Adam Sandler Movies, Animated Films, Family Films, Fun Stuff!, Sheri White Reviews with tags , , , , , , , on October 2, 2012 by knifefighter

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (2012)
Movie Review by Sheri White

My kids are old and wizened now at the ripe ages of 23, 17, and 14, which means I haven’t seen a kids’ movie in the theater in a long time. So I was surprised when the two youngest wanted to go with me to see this movie after I told them I was reviewing it for CKF. I didn’t even have to entice them with promises of candy and popcorn.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons was THE GROOVIE GOOLIES (1970 – 1971) —the characters were cool, hip versions of the classic movie monsters, like Dracula and Frankenstein.  I loved that show so much. HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA reminded me a lot of that awesome show.

Dracula is now a single dad with a precious little girl. He promised his wife before she died that he would always take care of Mavis and protect her. He has a hotel built that is a sanctuary not only for Mavis, but for all monsters. No human can get in.

That all changes on Mavis’s 118th birthday. Her dad has promised her for years that she could leave the hotel and check out a human village on that birthday. And, true to his word, he lets her go. But she quickly realizes the outside world isn’t safe and returns home.

Happy once again, Dracula continues to plan her birthday party. It’s like Bobby Boris Pickett’s song “The Monster Mash” come to life. All the monsters are there to celebrate, and it’s a scream.  Until a young hiker accidentally crashes the good time.

Adults will see where this is headed once Mavis and Johnny run into each other and their eyes meet. What follows is a lot of slapstick comedy as Dracula frantically tries to keep them apart, as well as keeping Johnny’s human status a secret.

Mavis (Selena Gomez) and Johnny (Andy Samberg) meet cute in HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA.

In the end, the movie is about letting your kids go, no matter how much you want them to stay.

My jaded teenage girls loved the movie. I enjoyed it very much myself. There is nothing inappropriate for any age —well, there is a cold swimming pool joke that I know my kids got because they watch SEINFELD —and it shouldn’t be frightening to young children, I’d say five ages and up.  There are a few times when Dracula makes a scary red angry face, and that might freak out littler kids.

Aside from Dracula’s red “angry face,” there’s not much to scare kids in HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA.

Parents will relate to Dracula not wanting to let Mavis leave the hotel, especially since he’s afraid all humans are dangerous – they did kill his wife, after all. There are enough sight gags and sly humor to keep adults interested and amused. Lots of action and color will keep kids riveted.

I don’t say this often about kids’ movies, but I would see this again. There is a lot going on that you can miss the first time around. When my kids were little, they watched SHREK on DVD almost every day, and I didn’t mind. This is one that I wouldn’t mind as well.  I’d even watch it by myself, like I do SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS —what can I say, kids’ stuff can be cooler than adult programming sometimes.

The voice acting is wonderful —I’m not a huge fan of Adam Sandler, but his Dracula was great. You’ll recognize several other voices in the movie, such as Kevin James (as Frankenstein), Steve Buscemi (as the Werewolf) and Selena Gomez (as Mavis). There’s a fun jam session at the end.

Don’t worry about staying around for the credits – nothing happens once the movie is over.

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA – fun for all ages, even know-it-all teenagers. I give it four knives.

© Copyright 2012 by Sheri White

Sheri White gives HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA ~FOUR knives (out of five).

2 Comments »

THE OOGIELOVES in THE BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE (2012)

Posted in Kids Movies, Apocalyptic Films, Fantasy Films, Just Plain Fun, Demons, Deformed Freaks!, Mutants!, Peter Dudar Reviews, Fun Stuff!, Evil Puppets!, Just Plain Bad, Just Plain Weird, "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2012, Musicals with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2012 by knifefighter

THE OOGIELOVES in THE BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE (2012)

A Satirical Lesson in Writing and the Dangers of Drug Use

 By Peter N. Dudar

With Help From Vivian (age 5)

Vivian:  Daddy…Daddy, wake up. You promised we could have fun today.

Peter:  Gimme a few more minutes, honey. Daddy is still tired.

Vivian:  Now, Daddy!  You said we could go see THE OOGIELOVES today. C’mon, get up!

Peter:  What the hell are THE OOGIELOVES?

(Vivian throws the covers off her dad and drags him out of bed. Daddy chugs down a cup of coffee and then herds the family off to the car to go see the new Matthew Diamond film, THE OOGIELOVES in THE BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE.)

Peter:  You know, I don’t remember promising this. In fact, today was the day I wanted to talk to you about something very important. I wanted to talk to you about the dangers of drug use.

Vivian:  What are drugs?

Peter:  I’m glad you asked. Drugs are substances used to alter the physical and mental faculties of the human body. For instance…how do you feel right now?

Vivian:  I’m really excited. I can’t wait to see this movie.

Peter:  Now, you see…grown-ups don’t ever feel that kind of excitement ever, ever, ever. Some adults need a little help to feel that kind of enthusiasm. They need stimulants to maintain that kind of high. I can see by the way you’re shifting around in your car-seat that you’re pretty jacked up. Cokeheads look the same way after they’ve done a few lines. Seeing YOU doing it almost scares me a little. Looks like I’ll just have to grit my teeth and ride this one out. What is this movie about, anyway?

Vivian:  It’s the Big Balloon Adventure. It’s Schluufy the Pillow’s birthday, and the Oogieloves have to throw a party for her, but the balloons get all lost and stuff, and they have to rescue the balloons.

Peter:  Wait, back up a second. They’re throwing a party for a pillow?

Vivian:  Yeah, this is gonna be so great!

Peter:  Sounds like the guy who made this movie is on drugs.

(They get to the theater and take their seats. The movie begins, and the Oogieloves come out and explain what we’re about to see. Apparently, this is an interactive movie, and they will cue us for when we are supposed to get out of our seats and dance).

Vivian:  Okay, Daddy?  When we see the butterflies, we’re supposed to jump up and dance.

Peter:  This is such a drag. THE POSSESSION is playing in the theater right next door. Are you sure you don’t want to get up and go sneak in?

Vivian:  I want to watch THIS movie!

(In the film, the Oogieloves are beginning their day. J. Edgar, the vacuum cleaner, is some type of adult/authority figure. He’s gone off to get five magic balloons for Schluufy. On the way home, the vacuum accidentally lets the balloons float away. He gets back to the stately Oogielove Manor and tells the three grown-up sized kid puppets of his mishap, so they swear by Odin’s hammer that they will retrieve all five balloons. Okay, I made that last part up.)

Vivian:  This is so amazing…I love the music and the colors.

Peter:  Yes…this brings us to narcotics and hallucinogens. The natural state of euphoria you’re experiencing is akin to an adult dropping some acid or ingesting some psychedelic shrooms. You may even feel like getting up and dancing. There are other types of drugs…ecstasy, for example, that will make a person lose their inhibitions and just trance out to the music. Those drugs are all very dangerous, and you should never, ever touch them. But here in the theater, it’s groovy. Get up and shake that thing. Daddy’s just gonna sit here and munch on some popcorn.

(The movie continues. Goobie—the genius of the group, Zoozie—the playful sister, and Toofie—the jokester whose pants always seem to fall down at awkward moments, begin their quest for the balloons. They are aided by Windy Window-a magic pane of glass with a hot southern accent, and J. Edgar-the vacuum. Schluufy the Pillow remains sleeping on the couch).

Vivian:  Daddy, how come Schluufy never wakes up?

Peter:  Well, honey…Schluufy is a metaphor.

Vivian:  What’s a metaphor?

Peter:  It’s a tool writers use to draw a comparison between fiction and reality. I believe that Schluufy, there, is supposed to symbolize crack babies. See how she lays there like a vegetable?  No arms and legs or anything, but still sleeps peacefully with that big, goofy smile?  Crack babies are infants that are addicted to drugs because their mommies were users during pregnancy. They do that all day long. That’s why the Oogieloves want to throw a big party for her. They feel bad that she’s so messed up, so they want to be really, really nice to her. Maybe the magic balloons they are off to rescue will restore her brain capacity or give her new legs or something?

Vivian:  I still don’t understand.

Peter:  Neither do I. Somebody was obviously tripping when they sat down and wrote this.

(The Oogieloves find the first balloon at the top of a tree. The tree boasts a tree house in the shape of a giant teapot. Inside are Dottie (an ancient-looking Cloris Leachman) and her niece, Jubilee (Kylie O’Brien). They go into this whole dance number that gets Vivian out of her seat to dance. Daddy yawns and checks his watch. The song ends, and then Toofie climbs the tree and recovers the first balloon. When he gets to the ground, his pants fall down. Vivian howls in laughter).

Vivian:  Did you see that, Daddy?  That was so funny!

“Goofy Toofie, Pull Up Your Pants!”

Peter:  Yeah. Hysterical. Which brings us to marijuana. Marijuana, or reefer, contains an active ingredient called THC, which messes with the doohickeys in your brain and makes everything funny as hell. The hilarity you find in Toofie’s pants falling down is childish and stupid. Marijuana makes childish, stupid things seem really, really funny to adults. And it gives you the munchies. Speaking of which, I kinda wish we had some Girl Scout cookies. Ain’t you old enough to be a Girl Scout yet?

Vivian:  Shhh…I’m watching the movie.

(The movie continues, and the Oogieloves find themselves in Milky Marvin’s Milkshake Manor. The Oogieloves get caught in a milkshake-drinking contest to win back the second missing balloon. Marvin Milkshake (Chazz Palminteri begins another dance number that is actually the best song in the film. Sadly, I’ve already forgotten how it goes. The Oogieloves’ fish, Ruffy, wins the drink-off, and they escape with the second balloon.)

Vivian:  I’m having so much fun. I wish this would never end!

Peter:  That sounds like the cry of a heroin junkie. Now, that’s some heavy-duty stuff that you don’t want to mess with. Junkies are the lowest. It’s like throwing all your pride and your hope away. Remember that commercial where the girl breaks an egg open into a hot pan and tells us it’s our brain on heroin?  Plus, sharing needles can lead to some really bad blood-diseases. You’ll end up like brainless Schluufy, drooling all over yourself. Do you want that?

Vivian:  No, Daddy.

Peter:  That’s my good girl.

(The movie continues. The Oogieloves find the third balloon in an airplane hangar where Rosalie Rosebud (Toni Braxton) is ready to embark on her next world-tour. Rosalie is a self-centered diva who trips on her popularity and is addicted to roses, which ironically make her sneeze uncontrollably. She, too, breaks into a dance number, and I really hate this song. But Viv loves it, so I get up for the first time and dance with my daughter. There is only one other family in the theater, and they, too, are up and dancing. Goobie somehow rescues the balloon and the Oogieloves move on.)

Vivian:  She really loved her flowers.

Peter:  Yes, and that’s called addictive personality disorder. It’s a metaphor for alcohol. Now, alcohol is a depressant. It numbs the senses and makes you a little tired. Rosalie needs her roses to help cheer her up, but, because of her allergies, it’s really bringing her down and destroying her life. You dig?

Vivian:  You’re so weird, Daddy.

(The movie continues. Next, they track down the fourth balloon stuck at the top of an 18-wheeler belonging to Bobby Wobbly the Bubble-Blowing Cowboy (played by an unrecognizable Carey Elwes). Bobby Wobbly freakin’ loves bubbles, but he doesn’t understand why people just aren’t into bubbles anymore. Vivian disagrees vehemently and vocally as I just shake my head. There’s no end to this movie. They launch into ANOTHER song and dance, and I get up and join Viv again. It’s either that or fall asleep. This movie is assaulting all my senses, and I’m wishing the  movie projector would fall apart or something…)

(After this escapade, the Oogieloves track down the final balloon stuck at the top of a windmill. But the Oogieloves can’t cross the grassy field by foot. Instead, they have to ride to it in a giant sombrero piloted by Lero and Lola Sombrero (Christopher Lloyd and Jaime Pressly). In order to get the giant sombrero to hover across the field, everybody has to dance really, really fast. I’m bummed at watching the great Christopher Lloyd reduced to a one-line cameo and beating on bongos while Lola shakes and dances across the screen. Eventually, they rescue the final balloon, and then it’s back off to Oogieloves Manor for the party.)

Vivian:  They did it…they rescued all the magic balloons!

Peter:  Big duh!  What did you think would happen?

The Oogieloves. A children’s dream come true, or an adult’s worst nightmare?

Vivian:  Now they can have the party for Schluufy. I’m so happy.

(They wake up Schluufy the Pillow, and sure enough, the damn thing can’t do more than mumble incoherently and coo a lot. But she feels loved and looks happy. The Oogieloves rock out to one last dance number, and then, finally, the film is over.)

Vivian:  Did you like the movie, Daddy?

Peter:  I found it to be derivative.

Vivian:  What does that mean?

Peter:  It means that the screenwriter borrowed liberally from other sources. It’s obvious that they stole ideas and concepts from Sesame Street, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, The Teletubbies (and to little surprise, creator Kenn Viselman, actually has production ties to the Teletubbies), and Yo Gabba Gabba. But I did have fun watching YOU have fun, and that, to me, makes the last hour and a half all worthwhile. Did you like it?

Vivian:  I loved it. But I’m sad now that it’s over.

Peter:  And THAT, dear one, is called coming down. It’s a bummer. We had so much fun and excitement, but it all has to come to an end. But at least we’re not slumped over a toilet bowl and yarking our brains out, so bonus for us!

Vivian:  I don’t understand.

Peter:  I don’t, either. But let’s just be glad it’s over. How many stars would you give this movie?

Vivian:  I give it a hundred zillion, million, billion stars, all the way around the earth and back.

Peter:  I give it two. I’m going back to bed now. I have to work tonight.

Vivian:  Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

Peter:  I love you, too. And remember…drugs are bad. Just say ‘NO’.

The End

© Copyright 2012 by Peter N. Dudar

THE OOGIELOVES. A sure sign that the End Times are comin’

8 Comments »

Quick Cuts: ATTACK OF THE BOARD GAMES!!

Posted in 2012, Based on a Board Game, Fun Stuff!, Quick Cuts with tags , , on May 25, 2012 by knifefighter

QUICK CUTS:  BATTLESHIP AND ATTACK OF THE BOARD GAMES!
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Garrett Cook, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon and Mark Onspaugh

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  First, an apology.  I know everyone and their grandmother are spouting their takes on the games-into-movies bit, since the new movie BATTLESHIP is being released this weekend with no apparent connection to the famous board game which shares its name.

That being said, remember, we’re Cinema Knife Fighters.  We’re guaranteed to come at you from angles not seen anywhere else.

So, ready for QUICK CUTS?

We asked our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters to choose another famous board game and then come up with a pitch/synopsis for a movie sharing the same name.  The catch is, like BATTLESHIP, it should have nothing to do with the game.

This is what our panel came up with:

*****

MARK ONSPAUGH:  The signals came from space – meaningless letters in a jumble – but

then, our top scientists decoded the message… S.C.R.A.B.B.L.E.!!!

Savage

Crab-like and

Repulsive

Alien

Beings

Barbecue the

Living on

Earth

Tonight, Terror gets a Triple-Word Score!!!

*****

GARRETT COOK:  OPERATION:  THE MOVIE: A man, a woman and her son are abducted by a mysterious lunatic and given shock collars. They are forced to extract a series of objects from dead clowns. If they fail or make a misstep in their surgeries, electric shocks are administered. Can these innocent people escape this madman’s clown torture dungeon or will the butterflies in their stomach lead to the worst malady of all: DEATH????

OPERATION!

 

*****

 PAUL MCMAHON:  I came up with three.

SCRABBLE

A terrorist virus is unleashed on the streets of America which causes hallucinations and violent behavior. Army scientist Belle Delarosa (Reese Witherspoon) discovers the virus is spread when victims see the capital letter “E.” Can she and the reporter ensconced with her (Nick Cage) remove the letter from existence in time? Don’t miss M. Night Shyamalan’s newest thriller!

ANTS IN THE PANTS

Seth Rogan stars as Donny Quixotic, an unemployed loser who inherits his dad’s popular “Pants Pocket Diner.” Being the owner gives him a chance with the hot hostess Aldonza (Jennifer Esposito), but puts him at odds with the kitchen boss, Sam Carras (Sean Ashmore). Donny’s increasingly desperate attempts to gain Aldonza’s affection are interrupted when swarms of mechanical ants stream out of the sink drains and begin to devour everyone in sight.

TWISTER

A disgruntled contortionist and magician gets tired of rude people and starts casting them into a magical blob-like world where they must live out their days with bones of jelly. A mixture of CGI animation and real-life action, written and directed by Zack Snyder!

*****

MICHAEL ARRUDA: Here’s mine

BATTLING TOPS – two Hooters’ waitresses fight over the same man in this raunchy comedy.

ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM ROBOTS – a documentary of the presidential primary campaign.

LIFE – Six friends pile into a car and hit the road, carefree and full of possibilities, on a journey to see where life takes them.  Some go to college, others go into business, all of them remain unemployed.

*****

L.L. SOARES: And now it’s time for a special “Animals Attack” all-night grindhouse movie marathon, brought to you by Hasbro!

COOTIES

They start out living in your hair, but this mutant strain of head lice begins to grow out of control! No longer content with feeding off follicles, they begin to chew off entire human heads! WATCH as the disgusting beasts gobble up human brains and skeletons! SEE children fleeing their schools in abject horror. Will they be able to come up with bottles of RID big enough to handle these humungous parasites!!! Filmed in horrifying Cootie Color.

HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS

A new virus, created in a lab in deepest Africa, is accidentally released on the outside world. The nearby animals are affected, but none so much as the hippos, who suddenly become very aggressive, and acquire unquenchable appetites for human flesh! SEE what happens to a group of poachers out on an ivory expedition, as giant, unstoppable hippo jaws clamp down on them!! WATCH as unsuspecting tourists out on safari wriggle in agony as they’re gulped down by vicious hippopotami!!  HEAR the screams of those doomed to an unnatural death!

ANTS IN THE PANTS

A new sexually transmitted disease involves the transmission of vicious fire ants that burrow beneath the skin around the groin! As immoral teens have sex at sleepaway camps, the ants are spread from camper to camper with horrifying results. Soon, everyone is scratching themselves in the most embarrassing of places. SEE fleshy boils erupting with hordes of death-dealing ants! WATCH as camp counselors scream and flail their limbs in agony!!

BARREL OF MONKEYS

A crusty old sea captain opens a barrel of grog, but instead of ale, the barrel is full of killer monkeys who take over his ship and kill everyone on board! As the death ship travels across the sea, it attacks all other ships it comes into contact with, as the monkeys loop arms to create a simian bridge between their ship and their victims! The apes reproduce at an alarming rate, with super intelligence and a taste for human blood. SEE the ships arrive at ports, where dockworkers have no clue what horrors await them, as the monkeys take over the earth! Whatever you do…..DON’T OPEN THAT BARREL!

*****

DANIEL KEOHANE:  The scene: four red cars screeching around a turn, pursued relentlessly by two green vans. On the next turn, one van sideswipes a car which careens off the road, tumbles down a convenient grassy hill and comes to rest at the edge of a large precipice, rocking back and forth precariously. The driver slowly turns to climb into the back seat to see Arnold Schwarzenegger walking from the van. Arnold stares through the back window at the hapless driver and says, “Sorry…” before kicking the car over the edge.

Cue explosion, then the words

SORRY! 

explodes onto the screen.

“From the epic board game loved by generations. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hillary Swank, and Joe Pesci as the Yellow Player.”

Close up of Arnold’s face, removing his sunglasses. He smirks and says, “Apology accepted.”

This film has not yet been rated.

*****

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  And there you have it folks, our take on board games turned into movies.  That’s it for now.  On behalf of Mark Onspaugh, Garrett Cook, Paul McMahon, L.L. Soares and Daniel Keohane, I’m Michael Arruda.  Thanks for joining us!

Good night everybody!

—END—

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Mark Onspaugh, Garrett Cook, Paul McMahon and Daniel G. Keohane

1 Comment »

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)

Posted in 2012, Cinema Knife Fights, Fun Stuff!, Gore!, Hillbillies, Joss Whedon, Monsters, Supernatural, Surprises!, Twist Endings, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)
By Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: A cabin in the middle of the woods. MICHAEL ARRUDA has just arrived, to find L.L. SOARES sitting in front the fire, reading a collection of H.P. Lovecraft stories)

MA: Nice to see you’re so comfortable. It took me forever to find this place.

LS: I know, I’ve been here for three days now. Did you get lost or something?

MA: This place isn’t on any map or GPS that I know of. How did you get here anyway?

LS: I borrowed THE FLY’s teleportation machine.

MA: That explains why you didn’t need a map.  Whoa!  You borrowed THE FLY’s teleportation machine?

LS:  Clean that wax out of your ears, son, that’s what I said.

MA:  That didn’t work out so well for Seth Brundle.  There weren’t any flies in there with you, were there?

LS:  No.  But there was this tarantula, and a scorpion.  Is that bad?

MA:  Aren’t you worried that you’ve somehow all been jumbled together, and that now you might be sharing some of their DNA?

LS (burps):  Not really.

MA:  Are you telling me that you—?

LS:  Yep.  They’re just delicious when you add some of Stubbs’ barbecue sauce.  Anyway, do you want me to start the review while you’re getting settled?

MA: Sure.  Man, you must have a stomach made of iron.

LS: This week’s movie is THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, and it’s the first movie directed by Drew Goddard, who mainly was a writer before this. He wrote CLOVERFIELD (2008), a movie we both liked a lot.

MA:  Yep, CLOVERFIELD was one of my favorite horror movies of the last decade.

LS:  CABIN is also written by Joss Whedon, who created shows like BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and ANGEL two shows that Goddard also wrote for. And Whedon will be directing THE AVENGERS movie next month, too!

MA:   Goddard co-wrote the screenplay with Whedon.  In addition to writing CLOVERFIELD, Goddard also wrote several episodes of the TV show LOST, and I thought there were parts of this movie that reminded me of LOST.

LS:  THE CABIN IN THE WOODS starts out kind of strangely, as we see a group of scientists taking a lunch break before they go back to work. These are Hadley (Bradley Whitford) and Sitterson (Richard Jenkins) and they seem to be in charge of some strange experiment.

MA:  Strange is the operative word here.  The movie opens and I’m thinking, what an odd way to get this one started, but it caught my attention, and so I guess it worked!

LS:  Then the story shifts to five college kids who decide to take a weekend “off the grid,” kicking back at a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere, which belongs to one of the kids’ cousin. They include  Jules (Anna Hutchison), a sexy, flirty co-ed who just dyed her hair blonde; her roommate Dana (Kristen Connolly), a slightly less outgoing, innocent-seeming redhead; Jules’ boyfriend Curt (Chris Hemsworth—yes, THOR himself), a jock;  Curt’s friend Holden (Jesse Williams) who Jules and Curt are trying to fix up with Dana; and fifth wheel, Marty (Fran Kranz) who is smart and a smart aleck and he smokes a lot of weed, and I wasn’t really sure why he was going along with them, but he’s a welcome addition to the group, as far as I’m concerned.

MA: Yeah, he’s the most fun— and refreshing— character in the movie.

LS:  They take an RV out to the country, where they come upon your typical, cliché’ redneck gas station owner, Mordecai (Tim De Zarn) who sets the creepy mood, and you just know these kids are in for some trouble.

MA:  This is the scene where I almost groaned out loud.  I’ve seen so many scenes like this one; it’s almost painful to sit through any more, so when this movie took this scene and did something completely different with it later, it was that much more refreshing.

(There is a knock at the cabin door.  MA opens door to find a redneck gas station owner at the door, and behind him his redneck son, behind him another old man, and on and on the line goes.)

REDNECK MAN:  This is no place for strangers!

REDNECK SON:  My advice to you is to turn around and go back to where you came from.

OLD MAN:  Turn back before ye perish!

EVEN OLDER MAN: You’ll be sorrrrry!

SKELETON IN OVERALLS: Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

MA:  I think I’m going to throw up.  (Slams door in their faces.)

LS: Yeah, I’m sick to death of those guys, too. Get a life! And get some teeth!

Anyway, like I was saying, you know these kids are headed for trouble. The thing is, what kind of trouble is something a little bit different than what we usually see in these kinds of movies. You might go in expecting yet another retread of THE EVIL DEAD or something along the lines of Eli Roth’s CABIN FEVER, but instead, we get something different than we’re expecting. This ties in to the fact that there are two smart, creative guys at the helm of this one, and they’re determined not to give us something we’ve seen before.

During a game of Truth or Dare, the kids find a doorway into a basement. When they go down to explore, they find lots of very strange artifacts, which will somehow decide their fate, depending on which one they choose. Dana picks up a diary of a girl who lived in the cabin back in 1908, and it’s rather disturbing. Meanwhile, outside, some strange figures start shuffling around, holding some vicious-looking weapons.

Beyond that, I don’t want to say too much, except that the kids in the cabin, the creatures stalking them, and the scientists back at the underground lab are closely linked, and that there really is a reason why all this is going on. A very cool reason. And I figured it out by the half-way mark, but that didn’t affect my enjoyment of this movie at all.

Not only is the directing and writing very good here, the acting isn’t too bad, either. I really enjoyed the interaction between Jenkins and Whitford as the scientists, who also involve their fellow employees in their activities. These are two good actors who turn in good performances.

MA:  I agree.  I thought veterans Richard Jenkins (who was in LET ME IN (2010), and received an Oscar nomination for Best Actor in THE VISITOR (2007), not too shabby), Bradley Whitford (who most people will recognize from TV’s THE WEST WING) were excellent and lent credibility to the proceedings.  They definitely help make the unbelievable seem believable.  Credit here also goes to the writing, which gives them plenty of lively lines to deliver.

LS:  The kids aren’t too bad, either. Hutchison as Jules is very sexy and Hemsworth is a muscular alpha male as Curt.

MA:  Yes, no doubt about it, Hutchison is hot.  The scene where she makes out with a stuffed wolf’s head in a game of truth or dare is worth the price of admission all by itself!

And I liked Hemsworth as Curt too.  Most jocks in these films are jerks.  Hemsworth makes Curt pretty likeable.

LS:  I wasn’t as impressed with Jesse Williams as Holden – he was okay, but nothing special. The two best performances here, however, are Kristen Connolly as the “virginal” Dana, who gets tough when she has to, and Kranz (who Whedon fans will recognize as Topher from the short-lived but really good series DOLLHOUSE). He pretty much steals every scene he’s in, and was my favorite character.

MA:  I agree with you wholeheartedly here.

LS:  Wholeheartedly?  That reminds me!  (Suddenly there is a bloody heart on LS’ plate next to a bottle of barbecue sauce.) Thanks, I didn’t want it to spoil.

MA: Where did that come from? That’s not yours, is it?

LS: Of course not! Mine isn’t this big. I had it in my pocket for a snack. And right about now, when you’re just about to go into a long rant, is as good a time as any for the munchies.

MA:  Long rant? I’ll save those for when I don’t like something!  Anyway, as I was saying, the two leads are excellent.   Kranz nearly steals the movie as Marty, a character who’s stoned most of the time.  Yet, this turns out to help him later in the story.  Hmm, a subtle plug for medical marijuana, perhaps?  (laughs) Kranz is funny, likeable, and best of all, refreshing.  He provides the film with its best moments.

LS: He was great on DOLLHOUSE, too. I’d love to see Kranz become a star because of his performance here.

MA: Kristen Connolly is also excellent as Dana.  She enjoys the best of both worlds in this movie, as she’s pretty hot herself, and yet she’s strong, capable, and more than holds her own when the going gets rough.  She’s also smart.

LS: Yeah, she is pretty hot, too. Gotta love a redhead. And I liked her character a lot.

MA: Nice job by both these actors. There’s also a surprise cameo appearance at the end that’s been generating some excitement.

LS: Yeah, except I didn’t find it very exciting. The person who shows up isn’t that big a deal, since he/she has been in these kinds of movies before. It certainly wasn’t as big a deal as Bill Murray’s appearance in ZOMBIELAND (2009). I don’t even know why we’re keeping it a secret.
MA: Yeah, I didn’t think it was a big deal, either.

LS:  The movie has its fair share of scares and laughs, and knows how to balance the two of them effectively. And the fact that there are some genuine surprises here means that CABIN is a movie you can really enjoy. It’s smarter than the usual Hollywood horror flick, and I enjoyed it a lot. In fact, I give it three and a half knives!

What did you think of it, Michael?

MA:  I enjoyed it too, but I didn’t love it.

LS:  Of course you didn’t.  (starts eating the heart)

MA:  THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is definitely different.  As advertised, it offers a refreshing take on the usual tale of young people trapped in a haunted cabin in the middle of nowhere.  For that, I commend the filmmakers, and I really did like this movie.

It’s just that, I’m not sure that I bought it all.  What was going on behind the scenes, in those scenes with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford, bordered a bit too much on fantasy for my tastes.  Now, I know you won’t like this comparison, but some of the stuff was reminiscent of MEN IN BLACK, only better.  MEN IN BLACK was science fiction and it was pure comedic fluff, while THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is horror and never strays down the road to goofiness.  That being said, I still had a hard time accepting some of the things that happen in this movie once the explanations start rolling in.

LS: MEN IN BLACK? Did you really need to go there?

MA: Sorry, but I think I did.

(There is a knock on the door, and when MA opens it, there is a brutish BIG ZOMBIE standing in the doorway)

BIG ZOMBIE (to LS): You gonna eat that heart?

LS (talks with his mouth full): Way ahead of you. And I’m not sharing!

BIG ZOMBIE: Dammit!

(BIG ZOMBIE growls and skulks away)

MA: I actually bought into THE HUNGER GAMES more.  That was a movie that I thought I was not going to believe, but that one, with its combination of strong acting, writing, and directing, convinced me that those deadly games were in fact real.  THE HUNGER GAMES had more of an edge, I think, than THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, which as much as I liked it, would have been better served had it had a jagged edge of its own.

But I really enjoyed THE CABIN IN THE WOODS.  I enjoyed it a lot.  It’s a really creative flick, and it would be difficult not to like this movie.

I said earlier it reminded me a bit of LOST, in that you have a group of characters stuck in a situation that they at first think they know about and have a handle on, but soon they realize there is so much more going on, and it’s way more complicated than what they first thought.  At one point, one of the characters remarks that they’re like puppets, manipulated by outside forces, which reminded me of the survivors on LOST when they were dealing with “the Others” early in that show.

LS: Yes, I see what you mean about the LOST comparison, although I thought the ending of THE CABIN IN THE WOODS was more satisfying than the ending of LOST.

MA: And like CLOVERFIELD, which was also written by Drew Goddard, THE CABIN IN THE WOODS has well-written characters and fun, lively dialogue.

I thought the special effects were also very good.  I liked the monsters and creatures in this one and thought they looked genuinely scary for the most part. They were credible.

LS: I wish we’d gotten to see more of them!

MA: Not so credible is the plot.  Ultimately, did I really buy all that was happening?  And the answer to that question is no, I didn’t.  Because while the film never breaks out into a full-fledged spoof/comedy— it does get the humor right, and it’s smart in that the dark elements of the movie remain dark— it’s difficult to take the proceedings all that seriously once you learn the secret of what’s ultimately going on.

I liked THE CABIN IN THE WOODS for what it was— a wild, over the top, creative horror movie, but had it somehow been more believable, I would have loved it.

I give it three knives.

LS: Yeah, I liked this one a bit more than you did. But at least we can agree that it’s a lot of fun and that the folks out there should check this movie out.

MA:  Yes, it’s definitely worth checking out!

(There’s another knock at the door)

MA: I wonder who it is now.

(Outside the door, lots of REDNECKS and ZOMBIES are playing outside on the front lawn)

LS: What’s going on here?

REDNECK MAN: What does it look like?

REDNECK SON: We’re havin’ a picnic.

OLD MAN: Yeah, and we brought all the fixins’

EVEN OLDER MAN: We even brought the grill!

SKELETON IN OVERALLS: I can’t wait to eat. I’m starvin’ right to death.

REDNECK MAN: Yep, my great great grandpa needs to put some meat on those bones.

MA: That’s all well and good, but it looks like you’ve forgotten the most important part.  The food!  There’s no meat on the grill.

LS: Yeah, what are we supposed to be eating?

REDNECK MAN: Well, you’re not going to be eatin’ anything.

BIG ZOMBIE: We’re gonna be eatin’ you!

(CLOSE-UP of a LITTLE BOY ZOMBIE licking his lips)

MA (to camera): Gotta go!

(MA and LS run away in fast motion as the ZOMBIES and REDNECKS look on in bewilderment)

-END-

© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives THE CABIN IN THE WOODS ~ three knives!

LL Soares gives THE CABIN IN THE WOODS ~three and a half knives.

1 Comment »

NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FLICKS REDISCOVERED IN 2011

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2011, Best Of Lists, Campy Movies, Fun Stuff!, Gangsters!, Grindhouse, Killers, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , , on January 12, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES Presents:
NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FILMS REDISCOVERED IN 2011
By Nick Cato

3) ANOTHER SON OF SAM (1977).  If you enjoy inept filmmaking, horrendous 70s fashions, plot-holes galore, and a GENUINE grindhouse experience, pay attention: Harvey, who was sexually abused by his mother as a child, escapes a mental institution and goes on a shooting rampage at a park before taking hostages in a college dorm.  A SWAT team and local cops eventually apprehend him.  As a show of total CLASSLESSNESS, this film was released in 1977, BEFORE there was any other fictional film about the Son of Sam, and (I’m assuming) while Berkowitz was still at large.  If you like trashy, pointless films full of unintentional laughs, ANOTHER SON OF SAM is pure gold.  All others, turn and run away as fast as you can.

2) In my never-ending quest to see every obscure low-budget 70s film, I came across (no pun intended) a 1972 sex comedy titled THE GODDAUGHTER, which—among other things—just might be a precursor to the current crop of adult films that parody popular movies (not to mention “Nunsploitation” films).    While nowhere near as entertaining as last summer’s re-discovered 1981 Mafia flick GONE WITH THE POPE, THE GODDAUGHTER is an interesting piece of grindhouse trash for mob film completists with little-to-no conscience (some brief and ugly hardcore scenes guarantee this one will never be shown on Comedy Central).

1) THE GODFATHER AND THE LADY (1975).  The lunatics at Something Weird Video claim this had never been released, all the more amazing as it stars the legendary Jane Russell (who appears in her FINAL film role before doing a couple of TV shows in the 80s), as well as six (count ‘em, SIX) former boxing champions as hit men, including Rocky Graziano, Jake La Motta, and Willie Pep.  It’s a goofy comedy, featuring an opening brawl with sound effects right out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, atrocious acting, and a scam-the-inheritance plot that makes one wonder what episode of Scooby Doo they tried to rip off.  Lots of cornball fun.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

(All titles are available through Something Weird Video).

Leave A Comment »

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: THE SNOW DEVILS (1967)

Posted in 2011, 60s Movies, Aliens, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Campy Movies, Foreign Films, Fun Stuff!, William Carl Articles, Yetis with tags , , , , , , on December 8, 2011 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

THE SNOW DEVILS (1967)

Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable—then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.

Ah, 1960s Italian science fiction, where women in go-go boots and massively piled-up hair joined forces with chiseled slabs of men to fight dastardly villains on cut-rate sets. It’s sheer bliss for me. Many of these ‘spaghetti space operas’ are deadly dull and terribly dubbed with a budget that wouldn’t cover the craft service table on STAR WARS (1977), but that’s all a part of the charm for me. You’ve never seen so many handsome muscular men and hourglass-figured women in any genre other than the Italian Peplum (or gladiator/Hercules) films of the previous decade. The sets and special effects are gamely stapled or scotch-taped together and often resemble toys, which is perfect, actually, as the film-makers are playing, and they want us to play along with them. I will joyfully join in the fun.

Perhaps the best of the bunch of crazy sci-fi flicks of the Sixties was a quartet of movies all made in 1965, but dubbed into English and released in the U.S. over a period of three years, a loose “series” of flicks called GAMMA ONE. Directed by the prolific and terrific Antonio Margheriti (DEATH RAGE – 1976, YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE-1983, KILLER FISH – 1979) under the moniker Anthony Dawson, the GAMMA ONE films can be watched in any order, as characters on the GAMMA ONE space station come and go, on earth and orbiting it on the station. The plots don’t interconnect in any way except by the use of recycled reels of special effects footage. Actors change roles as often as they chug cocktails. However, if you are a purist, you should start with the first of the four movies produced—THE SNOW DEVILS (1967), even though it was the last to reach the American drive-in theaters. In any case, it’s more earthbound than the sequels, and the movie is a real whack-job, throwing in everything but the kitchen sink to please the seven-year-old viewer in all of us!

We open on a grouping of toys meant to represent a weather station in the Himalayas. Men in pajama-esque running suits read charts and play with blinking buttons. The commander informs his officers that the temperature atop one mountain suddenly rose by fifty degrees for no reason (take THAT Al Gore!). Suddenly, the windows break, and the room fills with snow and ice. A dark shadow appears, and the commander looks up and screams in terror.

Cue a groovy Sixties instrumental rock song that sounds a bit like The Animals, and the credits roll over stock footage of snowy mountains. The music’s catchy and written by Angelo Francesco Lavagnino, who scored over two hundred films, including GORGO (1961) and Orson Welles’s OTHELLO (1952). I can just imagine the girls in cages wildly go-go dancing to this song in Swinging London in 1967.

Now, we’re on the spinning space station, GAMMA ONE, another toy on a visible string. Inspector Sanchez (Halina Zalewska – THE LONG HAIR OF DEATH, 1964) appears wearing a gold and silver lame jumper and—be still my heart—green eye shadow ( Yowza!). She’s directed to contact vacationing Commander Rod Jackson (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart from KILL BABY KILL – 1966 and MACABRE – 1969) who sports a firm jaw, leathery tanned skin, and some seriously styled-up blond hair. They’re ordered to the weather station, and they leave behind their bikini-clad fans and chess-playing, wise-cracking kids and investigate. There are proton force fields being activated in the Himalayas! It turns out this is exactly where the weather station was attacked, and every man killed except for Lt. Jim Harris (Renato Baldini from ESTHER AND THE KING – 1960). Enter lovely Lisa Nielson, the fiancée of the abducted Lt. Harris, and she’s carrying a cast of a giant footprint of a Yeti. She’s played by the lovely blue-eye-shadow-wearing Ombretta Colli (who oddly played Inspector Sanchez in another GAMMA ONE flick, WAR OF THE PLANETS – 1966, as well as appearing in THE BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER – 1963).

Space has never been this FAR OUT, MAN!

Jackson and his comedy-relief partner Frank (Goffredo Unger of BLOOD AND BLACK LACE – 1964) go to the Himalayas, where their heli-jet is bombed and they discover they are being followed by Lisa Nielson, who doesn’t believe her fiancée is dead. They hire a local guide, Sharu (played by Wilbert Bradley of CODE OF SILENCE – 1985), and they head into the mountains to that great groovy theme music that makes me wanna do the monkey in my living room. The photography here is really striking, as they all wear different colored snow suits in front of crisp, gorgeous scenery.

Meanwhile, the weather is getting crazier. Floods break out, hurricanes, storms, melting polar caps—all told to us through newscasts, but never shown. Rod Jackson speaks into a giant Viewmaster to communicate with the space station after setting up camp, and Lisa starts getting awfully cozy with Rod, considering she’s searching for her lost fiancé. What a hussy! They are abandoned by their men and captured by seven-foot-tall, blue, hairy men with brown mutton-chop sideburns. It’s the Snow Devils themselves, but they aren’t Yetis. They’re aliens pretending to be abominable snowmen, a race called the Aytia, whose planet is dead. They’re preparing Earth to become an ice planet by means of a ray on an outpost on Callisto, a moon of Jupiter. Their leader, played by Furio Meniconi (DEEP RED -1975), shows them his laboratory, which contains blinking rainbows of neon and machines that go “beep-beep” and “boop-boop,” and have enough blinking lights to give an epileptic a dozen seizures. He gives a long, exposition-laden speech and takes them to Jim, who seems way too old for Lisa and her girl-group wig. Banding together, they escape, wearing weird gas masks, mixing chemicals into a lethal brew, and beating the hell out of any Snow Devil they find that isn’t rendered unconscious by the gaseous mixture. There’s a laser gun battle, where the guns spit sparks just like one I had as a kid. The leader is killed, but there’s still that pesky ray that’s going to shoot us from Callisto.

The group rides in a bubble car (definitely a toy) back to civilization, where we get to see terrific stock footage of the polar caps melting and wild flooding. Nagasaki is wiped out! So, we’re off on a mission to destroy the base on Jupiter’s moon. I wouldn’t call it thrilling, unless you’re seven years old, and there’s too much talking in small rooms (“The first thing to do is stop pressing the panic button!” “What about our generator flux density?”). Still, it’s Gamma One to the rescue, in cute little rockets. Will they save the world? Is there ever any doubt?

Take a peek at the future of space travel!

THE SNOW DEVILS is a silly G-rated mélange of a film, combining cryptozoology and space stations, atomic rays and proton fields, with Himalayan Sherpa rituals, all set to that fabulous rock guitar music. We get snowstorms and aliens and explosions and pretty people making goo-goo eyes at each other. In the words of Cole Porter, “Who could ask for anything more?” Well, a bit more coherence and better pacing would have helped, as well as improved dubbing for a start. Also, a lot of it is dependent upon stock footage and too much of it seems set-bound. THE SNOW DEVILS is flawed—deeply flawed—but it’s still good clean colorful fun.

THE SNOW DEVILS is followed by WILD, WILD PLANET (1965), WAR OF THE PLANETS (1966), and PLANET ON THE PROWL (1966). A fifth GAMMA ONE film was made in 1968, totally unconnected to the others. It is the beloved THE GREEN SLIME. I’ll be reviewing these in the months to come.

Warner Brothers Archive offers a beautifully restored DVD of all the GAMMA ONE films, except PLANET ON THE PROWL.

I give THE SNOW DEVILS two and a half fake yetis.

© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl

Leave A Comment »

« Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 81 other followers