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Bills’ Bizarre Bijou visits the COMMON LAW WIFE (1963)

Posted in "So Bad They're Good" Movies, 2013, 60s Movies, B-Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Campy Movies, Drive-in Movies, Exploitation Films, Hillbillies, Just Plain Fun, Revenge!, Romance, Swamp Movies, William Carl Articles with tags , , , , , , , on April 25, 2013 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

by William D. Carl

This week’s feature presentation:

COMMON LAW WIFE (1963)

VideoBox Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made.  If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it.   Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you, so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open.  Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.

In the wild, wild world of exploitation films, bits and pieces of one movie can often make a ‘guest appearance’ in another film, spliced into the new film as padding for the running time, or as a way to save on the budget.  Most of the time, this created annoying sequences that have nothing to do with the movie you’re viewing at your local drive-in, distractions to the main plot.  Other times, the footage was inserted so well a casual viewer never noticed he’d been duped.  A lot of film buffs, such as me and you, my fans in the dark, take great pleasure in noticing such scenes and shouting out, “Hey, that was stolen from INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES!”  It’s a fine, old exploitation tradition, and we at the Bijou salute the filmmakers who managed to pull it off.

In 1960, Larry Buchanan, the infamous director of such sublimely awful fare as THE NAKED WITCH (1961), ZONTAR, THING FROM VENUS (1966), MARS NEEDS WOMEN (1967), and THE LOCH NESS HORROR (1981) started shooting a hicksloitation epic called SWAMP ROSE.  Starring Lacey Kelley (NUDE ON THE MOON – 1961, THE DEAD ONE – 1961), the unfinished film dealt with a moonshiner obsessed with a woman of easy virtue.  This footage was purchased by M.A. Ripps, who wanted to make it into a hit drive-in feature, as he so famously transformed the movie BAYOU into POOR WHITE TRASH (1957).  New director Eric Sayers used many Buchanan regulars: (Anabelle Weenik (going by Anne MacAdams) of CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION (1967), A BULLET FOR PRETTY BOY (1970), DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (1973); Max W. Anderson of HIGH YELLOW (1965), IN THE YEAR 2889 – (1967); and THE NAKED WITCH herself Libby Hall (as Libby Booth)).  Sayers shot a whole new storyline with these actors, including an unbilled woman to take Lacey Kelley’s role (and they don’t look much alike) using only bits and pieces of Larry Buchanan’s SWAMP ROSE.  There is a scene with Lacey Kelley walking down the street, her boom-boppa-boom stride mocked by a little girl, some scenes in a park, and a chase between a crazed hillbilly moonshiner attacking Lacey that make up most of the old footage.  Everything else is newly shot with actors from other movies.  Confused yet?  You won’t be once you watch COMMON LAW WIFE (1963), Sayers’ adults-only white-trash melodrama set in Texas.  It’s easily one of the greatest exploitation films from the period.  Other than a few film stock mis-matches and a character that switches actresses several times, you’d never know this was once two films edited into one trashy grindhouse gem.

But what about the story of COMMON LAW WIFE?

The film opens on a typical night at the Raineys’ rather tacky abode.  Old man Shug is playing darts in his bathrobe before drinking the biggest damn glass of wine in existence.  When his live-in mistress, Linda, tells him he’s not supposed to drink, he throws five darts at her head, embedding them into the wicker chair behind her.  He asks, “Do you want me to put one right between your eyes?”  Turns out, she’s lived with him for five years, and it’s taken a toll on her beauty.  He wants her to get out so his niece Jonelle (“Call me Baby Doll”) can come live with him.  “What’s she got?’ she shrieks.  Shug answers, “My attention right now, which you haven’t.”  Linda, shocked says, “Why she’s your own blood niece!  That’s incest!”  He replies, “Words don’t mean much to me.  I’ve already sent for Baby Doll.  Go pack your things.”

In New Orleans, we are introduced to Jonelle, a gorgeous stripper in a nightclub who resembles Traci Lords.  She packs her dresses and heads for rural Texas to stay with her uncle (Eww).  Turns out, Jonelle’s sister, Brenda, is married to the Sheriff, Jodi, who was having flings with both sisters during high school.  Jodi’s more than a little interested in rekindling his torrid affair with Jonelle, while good wife Brenda stays at home.

Shug and Jonelle, what a cute couple!

Shug and Jonelle, what a cute couple! (Ewwww)

Meanwhile, Linda consults a lawyer and discovers she’s lived long enough with Mr. Shug Rainey to be his common-law wife.  Mrs. Rainey buys herself a wedding ring and informs Shug that she is his legal wife, and if he wants his niece serving him in his house (Eww), he has to divorce her and pay alimony or give her the house.  Secretly, though I have no idea why, she loves the old dude.

Jonelle kick-starts her affair with Jodi (what a nice sisterly thing to do), but she throws a hissy fit after he says he doesn’t want to help her murder Shug for the old man’s money.  In spite, she gets up and starts stripping and dancing in front of what looks like several farmers and their wives who are either shocked or bemused.  She leaves with another old beau, Bull, who takes her out to the swamp to see his moonshine still.  Ah, romance in Texas!  When he gets fresh, she runs away through the swamp.  This whole part is Larry Buchanan’s, and it’s a bit rougher and grittier than the newer footage. 

She runs all the way back to her sister’s house (the actress changes here), but Brenda has figured out what’s happening between her husband and Jonelle.  She tosses her sister out of her house, but not before Jonelle steals the booze.  With nowhere to go, Jonelle hunts down Bull and they return to the swamp (wait, wait, didn’t he try to rape her the previous night?  Ah, romance in Texas!) 

The original Jonelle.

The original Jonelle.

Jodi goes after her (the heel!) and tracks her to Bull’s house, where a gunfight erupts over Jonelle.  He abducts her to his home, where the cold facts about their past relationship come to light.  Brenda catches them together and holds them at gunpoint!

Will Jonelle get one over on Linda?  Who will get old man Shug Rainey’s money when he dies? What about the cyanide-laced bottle of whiskey?  Will we ever get to see a full print of SWAMP ROSE?  Probably not, but this common-law version is a real hoot!

COMMON LAW WIFE is filled with great, hateful dialogue delivered in authentic, delightful accents.  It was Grace Nolan’s only writing credit, and I wish there’d been a lot more.  Some choice cuts of the nasty, mean-spirited dialog include:

“I was a stray cat lookin’ for a home, and I took it however I could.”

“Folks around here might think the circus has come to town.”  “They might be right!”

“From now on, this is my house.  And I don’t want any tramps hangin’ around it!”

“The only way I’ll see any of that old man’s body is over his stinkin’ dead body.”

“You couldn’t hit a bull with a bass fiddle.  Let alone that cap gun.”

“I met a couple of strangers in town today, and they claimed they didn’t know you.  You want their names so you can bat a thousand?”

“You’ve put on weight.  City food must be good.”

“A girl can learn a lot of lessons in the dark.”

Vengeance, thy name is Linda!

Vengeance, thy name is Linda!

The black and white photography is crisp and full of noir shadows.  The music is great jazz, heavy on the sax and trumpet, but the composer is unbilled.  Who knows where that great score came from?  The acting is campy and over-the-top, as it should be in a swamp melodrama like this one.  And the ending is brutal and shocking in a way few films of that era ever were.  COMMON LAW WIFE may be confusing sometimes, what with actresses switching and film stock not matching, but it’s loads of fun.  It’s like Douglas Sirk on tainted moonshine. 

I give COMMON LAW WIFE three and a half revolving actresses out of four.

© Copyright 2013 by William D. Carl

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SPRING BREAKERS (2013)

Posted in 2013, All-Star Casts, Bikini Girls, Compelling Cinema, Controverisal Films, Crime Films, Exploitation Films, Femme Fatales, Gangsters!, Hot Chick Movies, Independent Cinema, James Franco, Just Plain Fun, LL Soares Reviews, VIOLENCE! with tags , , , , , , , on March 26, 2013 by knifefighter

SPRING BREAKERS (2013)
Movie Review by L.L. Soares

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If you think this is going to be just another Spring Break teen sex comedy, then you are in for a surprise. SPRING BREAKERS is another kind of animal altogether, and it’s the kind of pop/art hybrid that will be playing at your local arthouse theater, as well as the nearby multiplex. The arthouse crowd will have some idea what they’re in for, as soon as they see the director’s name, Harmony Korine. The multiplex audience will have no clue, and might just get their heads blown.

So who is Harmoney Korine, you ask? Well, when he was 19, he wrote the screenplay for the movie KIDS (1995), still probably the most notorious project he’s been associated with. But he went on to become a director in his own right, with weirdo masterpieces under his belt like 1997’s GUMMO and 1999’s JULIEN DONKEY-BOY, two movies that will seriously screw with your head. The last movie of his I saw in a theater was 2007’s MISTER LONELY, which is about a Michael Jackson impersonator who goes to live on an island populated by nothing but celebrity impersonators, and there’s Werner Herzog as a skydiving priest. I think there were five people in the audience when I saw it. In contrast, the theater was pretty packed when I saw SPRING BREAKERS.

SPRING BREAKERS is an underground film with above-ground stars, and what an interesting collection of celebs we have.

The movie begins with four girls wanting to go to Spring Break and escape from their boring lives as hard-working college students, but they don’t have enough money for the trip. Fed up with being deprived of fun, Candy (Vanessa Hudgens, who your kids might know from Disney fare like 2006’s HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and the TV series THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK AND CODY), Brit (Ashley Benson, currently playing Hanna on the ABC FAMILY series PRETTY LITTLE LIARS)  and Cotty (Rachel Korine, who also happens to be Mrs. Harmony Korine, and who was in the previously mentioned MISTER LONELY, among other films), decide they are going to Florida for the time of their lives, no matter what. So they don some ski masks and rob the local chicken shack, armed with a realistic looking water pistol and a heavy duty hammer. They get enough money for the trip, and bring their virginal friend Faith (Selena Gomez, another Disney star, from the series THE WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE) along for the ride. Faith is sweet and religious and doesn’t seem like the other girls at all, but she goes along for the ride, even after she finds out how they got the money.

Once in sunny Florida, the girls go wild, and then some, everyone but Faith, who has some naïve idea of this being a chance to bond with her girlfriends, when the others are just thinking about drugs and sex and booze.

The stars of SPRING BREAKERS (from left to rigth) Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine and Vanessa Hudgens (standing). Behind them, James Franco.

The stars of SPRING BREAKERS (from left to rigth) Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine and Vanessa Hudgens (standing). Behind them, James Franco.

When a particularly out-of-control party they are at gets busted by the cops, the girls end up in jail. Without money for bail, they are rescued by a rapper, drug dealer, and gun hoarder named Alien (James Franco, who we saw just a couple of weeks ago as OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL). With his corn rows, tattoos and mouth grille, Franco is a force of nature here, and steals every scene he is in.

Alien (“My real name is Al, but I’m out of this world”) is so much the polar opposite of OZ that it’s amazing this is the same guy, and yet Franco works his magic without having to try. Just what does he want in return for springing these cute college girls from the hoosegow? Well, Faith gets so scared thinking about that one that she takes the next bus home (no big loss, since she was the least interesting girl anyway), and the other three find that chicken shack robbery to be just the start of their life of crime, as they take part in a violent crime spree, this time with Alien leading the way.

SPRING BREAKERS is chock full of bikinis, bongs and guns. There’s also lots of Spring Break nudity (although  Rachel Korine is the only one of the main girls to really let it all hang out), and violence. So if you go into the theater expecting to just see some typical drunken behavior, you’re going to be in for a surprise.

Korine’s direction (he also wrote the screenplay) is all quirky and cool, shooting some scenes in slow-motion with musical accompaniment by Skrillex (along with Cliff Martinez, they did the soundtrack). Mainstream audiences might be scratching their heads by the time the end credits roll, but I was completely hypnotized by this one. As a long time Korine fan, I would have seen this one anyway, but the added pleasure of a rip-roaring, bigger than life James Franco, and good performances by the girls, just multiplies the pleasures.

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The girls turn in good performances. I really liked Rachel Korine a lot  as Cotty, the most uninhibited one of the group, and Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens turn in super-intense performances as the two most violent ones, a dynamic duo who even scare Franco in one scene. (Hudgens may have gained fame on the Disney Channel, but she was also in the controversial movie THIRTEEN in 2003 and was in the slightly edgy but ultimately disappointing SUCKER PUNCH in 2011. So she’s not completely new to this “edgy” thing.  As for Benson, she’s my favorite of the female leads here, hands down).

By the time Alien starts taking the girls on missions to rob other college kids at gunpoint (and a wedding!), and Alien’s arch-enemy Archie (Gucci Mane) feels he needs to put Alien in his place and starts some violence that needs payback, we have reached the point of no return, and the drunken parties have become a faint memory, replaced by the barrel of an AK-47.

One especially fun (and demented) scene features the three bad girls in pink ski masks singing along with Alien (who is playing piano beside his swimming pool) as they do a group rendition of Britney Spears’ song “Everytime.”

If the Disney girls climbed aboard this project to change their images, they succeeded,  and Harmony Korine succeeded in churning out his first potential hit with mainstream audiences since he wrote KIDS back in the 90s. And like KIDS,  SPRING BREAKERS will probably seem like a horror flick to some parents (especially of daughters), a nightmare about what could happen during those Spring Break vacations.

SPRING BREAKERS is big and loud and out of control. And I found myself really digging it. In fact, this might just be my favorite movie of 2013 so far.

I give it three and a half knives.

© Copyright 2013 by L.L. Soares

LL Soares gives SPRING BREAKERS ~three and a half knives.

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Transmissions to Earth: DJANGO (1966)

Posted in 2012, 60s Movies, Action Movies, Classic Films, Exploitation Films, Italian Cinema, Killers, LL Soares Reviews, Low Budget Movies, Spaghetti Westerns, Trasmissions to Earth, Westerns with tags , , , , , , on December 27, 2012 by knifefighter

 

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Transmissions to Earth Presents:

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DJANGO (1966)
Review by L.L. Soares

In honor of Quentin Tarantino’s new movie, DJANGO UNCHAINED, which opened on Christmas Day, I thought I would see the movie that inspired him – at least in part – the original 1966 spaghetti western called, simply, DJANGO, starring Franco Nero.

When we first see the titular anti-hero, Django is on a hill, dragging a coffin behind him with ropes. He looks down upon a group of Mexican bandits tying up a prostiute named Maria (Loredana Nusciak) and flogging her. Suddenly, a group of soldiers arrive, shooting the bandits and setting the woman free – or so we think. Instead, they form a cross from pieces of wood, intent on burning her for her sins. Django comes to her rescue and she is saved a second time.

Django drags around a coffin wherever he goes.

Django drags around a coffin wherever he goes.

Going into town, they find it pretty much deserted, except for a whorehouse/saloon run by Nathaniel (Angel Alvarez). Their clientele includes the soldiers, led by Major Jackson (Eduardo Fajardo), and the Mexican bandits, led by General Hugo (Jose Bodalo), the exact two groups who had taken turns persecuting Maria earlier.

Django makes the whorehouse his office, dragging that coffin of his into the middle of the room, to the consternation of Nathaniel and his girls, who are terrified about how Major Jackson will respond. When we are introduced to the Major, he is using bandits as target practice (they’re forced to run up a hill and he shoots them in the back as they flee). Jackson takes some of his men into town to look at the stranger who shot some of his soldiers, which leads to  Django revealing just what’s in that coffin of his. Let’s just say Major Jackson enters the saloon with an entourage and leaves all by himself.

Django has a special treat for his enemies in the coffin he drags around everywhere.

Django has a special treat for his enemies in the coffin he drags around everywhere.

While Django and Nathaniel are digging graves for all the men Django has killed, the bandits show up again. It turns out that General Hugo knows Django from past skirmishes and they are old friends. Django reveals to the General why he came to town – to steal some gold from a military fort just inside the Mexican border. Hugo is game, and they follow Major Jackson back to the fort, where they attack (after hiding in the covered wagon Nathaniel normally uses to bring prostitutes to the soldiers) and abscond with a big bag of gold dust.

Afterwards, Hugo double-crosses Django, cheating him out of his cut of the gold in the name of “La Revolucion” Hugo is planning, to take over the Mexican government. He expects Django to make a sacrifice for the cause, but the mysterious stranger has no intention of leaving empty-handed, especially when it was his plan that got them the gold.

After tricking the bandits out of their gold, Django tries to get away, but accidentally loses the gold (now stuffed in his coffin) to a patch of quicksand. The bandits catch up and crush Django’s hands, leaving him for dead, before riding off into an ambush of Major Jackson’s men, who shoot the bandits dead.

The film ends with a lethal showdown in a cemetery with Django, with a gun but crushed hands, against Major Jackson and a group of his men, culminating in a satisfying conclusion.

DJANGO was a big hit upon its initial release and spawned lots of imitators, and some sequels. It’s clear that Franco Nero’s character is patterened after the “Man with No Name” that Clint Eastwood played in the spaghetti westerns he did for director Sergio Leone.  Django is a man of few works, with a face full of stubble, like Eastwood’s mercenary, but Nero also has piercing blue eyes beneath his beat-up cowboy hat. Directed by Sergio Corbucci, DJANGO isn’t as epic as Leone’s best work, and he clearly doesn’t have anywhere near the budget of Leone’s films, but Corbucci makes up for it in in interesting locations and a strong atmosphere of foreboding.

DJANGO doesn’t have much to distinguish it from the tons of other Italian westerns of the time, but Nero is terrific as the lead character. And that coffin he drags around is an interesting gimmick. Also, Major Jackson’s men go around wearing red bags over their heads, looking an awful lot like a variation on the Klu Klux Klan (the fact that Jackson is clearly a racist just emphasizes this).

It’s not 100% clear what Major Jackson is up to. He leads a group of soldiers, but they seem to be outside of the law and murder the locals with impunity. At one point, Jackson mentions that he fought for the South in the recent Civil War (which isn’t referred to by name), while Django fought for the North. All the more reason for them to be enemies. But since the film was made in Italy, it seems to be a little vague about the details of the war and the specifics of geography.

While it’s not a great movie, DJANGO has some great moments, including a scene where bandits cut off the ear of one of Major Jackson’s cronies, a preacher named Brother Jonathan (Gino Pernice), and that final showdown in the graveyard. And Franco Nero dominates every scene he’s in, and it’s not hard to see how he became an international star.

Charismatic actor Franco Nero became a star for his portrayal of DJANGO.

Charismatic actor Franco Nero became a star for his portrayal of DJANGO.

DJANGO may have “inspired” Tarantino’s new one, but aside from the titles (and names of the title characters) and the fact that they’re both westerns, there’s not a lot in common between DJANGO and DJANGO UNCHAINED. Tarantino has stated that he really likes this movie, however, and he uses some of Luis Bacalov’s score for DJANGO in DJANGO UNCHAINED, including the memorable title song which appears in both films. The original film is worth checking out, however, especially if you’re a big fan of Italian westerns of the 1970s.

© Copyright 2012 by L.L. Soares

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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou Meets SWAMP GIRL (1971)

Posted in Crime Films, Drive-in Movies, 1970s Movies, Exploitation Films, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, William Carl Articles, Melodrama, 2012, Swamp Movies, Fugitives with tags , , , , , , , on July 5, 2012 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

SWAMP GIRL (1971)

Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you, so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes!

The mercury went all the way up to 104 degrees today, and the humidity rose right along with it.  Therefore, we’re continuing with our swampy movies marathon, with a look at a drive-in classic from 1971, SWAMP GIRL.

In a hauntingly beautiful opening shot, a young blond girl rows a small boat through a brightly colored, sunset-laden swamp to the accompaniment of sad guitars.  When night falls, a couple of poachers show up and discover the boat she left behind along with a man nearly dead from cottonmouth bites.  They catch a glimpse of the girl as she creeps away.

Ferlin Husky, the great country western singer and star of HILLBILLYS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE (1967) is the Swamp Ranger, and he’s introduced singing a lovely song about the girl on his porch.  His rich baritone rings out,

“Or can it be, you really live, that the stories told are true,

Out in that dark and mysterious swamp, there’s an angel such as you?

Swamp Girl, Swamp Girl, run away,

But there will come a day when your heart will say that it’s time to go,

When your heart will tell you so.”

The ranger interviews the men who discovered the body, and these guys are certainly real life locals.  This isn’t acting; it’s tragic verisimilitude with scary rural accents.  After they claim they’ve seen the elusive swamp girl (who is she, Bigfoot?).  The ranger takes out his airboat to find the mysterious girl.  Is it me, or does everyone in every swamp movie have an airboat?

That Ferlin Husky sure sings up a storm in SWAMP GIRL!

Cue five minutes of well-shot nature footage, lots of scenery and dangerous-looking reptiles.

Eventually, Ferlin Husky spots Swamp Girl, and he follows her.  Luckily, she’s wearing a bright pink and white dress and her hair is so shiny, you just have to wonder where she buys her hair care products out there in the boonies.  Our stalker gets his foot caught in a bear trap, and the girl has to help him.  “If I could find all these traps,” she says, “I’d just throw ‘em all in the water.”  He’s slightly injured, so she takes him to her cabin where she makes him dinner and introduces him to her “Pa,” an African-American man who takes care of her.  The warden tells her that the swamp, that nature itself, is disappearing and one day she would have to go out into the real world.  The thought terrifies her.  He swears to return the next day to hear if she wants to live in the civilized world.

Swamp Girl, or Janeen, is played by the lovely Simone Griffeth when she was about twenty years old.  I adore Simone Griffeth, and not just because we share a birthday, but she’s a pretty good actress in some favorite movies of mine.  She went on to star in DEATH RACE 2000 (1975), HOT TARGET (1985), and television shows from HART TO HART to STARSKY AND HUTCH to a recurring role on TJ HOOKER.  In SWAMP GIRL, she’s playing a fragile innocent, and she plays it very well.

Pa (played nicely by Lonnie Bower) tells her he isn’t her actual “Pa,” that he needs to tell her a story and his name is actually Nat.  Begin exposition.

Turns out, he was lost in the swamp, and he was rescued by a doctor who performed illegal abortions in the middle of the wilderness.  Janeen’s Ma was too far along, so he let her stay until she had the baby.  See, old Doc would send the boy children back with their Mammas, and the girl babies were sold into white slavery to Arab sheiks!  WHAT?!!  Okay, pass the popcorn.  Turns out, Janeen was special to Doc and Nat.  She was also a friend to the animals and all nature (MESSAGE!  MESSAGE!).  Doc sent Nat to visit Lake Turner, who runs a snake farm and procures young girls.  It’s a living.  While Nat’s gone, Doc tries to sell Janeen, but he gets drunk and greedy and asks for double the usual amount.  The white slavers kill Doc and shove the girl into a croaker sack.  Nat slaughters the two men with a hatchet and the girl gets dropped and bitten by a rattlesnake! Luckily, Nat’s there and he sucked out the poison.  After that, he raised her as his own.  Now, she must decide whether to remain in the Okefenokee Swamp, living illegally with her Pa, or should she go with the ranger and find her way in the world?

Simone Griffeth in SWAMP GIRL.

Two bank robbers on the lam, a man and a woman,  abandon their car and attempt to trek to the next state through the swamp.  They discover Pa and Janeen’s cabin, and they make themselves at home after blasting Pa with both barrels in a shockingly violent scene.  They force Janeen to guide them out of the swamp to Florida, so she leads them, forgetting to meet poor love-struck Ferlin Husky.  Swamp Girl has her own plans for this couple, and she knows all the pitfalls and deadly animals in the area.

Meanwhile, one of the robber’s parents just happen to show up, looking for their daughter!  The swamp rats, who hate the sheriff and his pinko liberal environmentalist ways of taking care of the wildlife refuge, accompany the robber’s father into the Okefenokee to search for the missing thieves.  Don’t ask how, but this leads to a guy being swung over a pit of cotton mouths until he tells them where the old cabin in the swamp is located.

Will Janeen lead the Bonnie and Clyde wannabes out of the swamp into safety?  Will the sheriff get to her in time?  Will she head for civilization or remain in the wilderness? Before we know the answers, there will be quicksand, gory deaths, an anti-gun speech (Ya ain’t so tough without yer shotgun, are ya?”), a catfight in the mud (!), two alligator attacks, a cotton mouth trap, and more singing by Ferlin Husky.  And wait till you get a load of the insane twist ending!

Ferlin Husky as the “Swamp Ranger.”

The music, which is so integral to the mood of the movie, is by Gene Kauer, who composed the scores for scores of movies, including THE ADVENTURES OF THE WILDERNESS FAMILY (1975), THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961), MONSTER (1980), and all three FACES OF DEATH movies (1978, 1981 and 1985).

SWAMP GIRL was directed by Donald A. Davis, who also made FOR SINGLE SINGERS ONLY (1968), THE MUTHERS (1968), MARSHA: THE EROTIC HOUSEWIFE (1970), and the delightfully named DIAL-A-DEGENERATE (1972).  Most of his films were “nudie cuties” or adults-only sex comedies, so SWAMP GIRL is fairly unusual in that it’s rated PG, despite the hatchet murders, abortions, child prostitution, murders, alligator killings, snake bitten children, etc.  It was obviously made for the Southern Drive-In circuit, and it works well for what it is.  There’s so much going on that there’s never a dull moment, and the swamp photography is quite beautiful and must’ve looked great on those giant outdoor screens.  Those authentic accents also add to the fun, creating a nice, if fairly mild hicksploitation hit.  In a few more years, Claudia Jennings would star in the similar, and much more exploitive (and therefore much more popular) GATOR BAIT (1974).

SWAMP GIRL is a fun little movie with no pretensions, a good little performance from the super sexy Simone Griffeth, pretty scenery, and more plot than you could usually fit into five flicks.  Something Weird DVD has it on a terrific double bill with SWAMP COUNTRY (1966), starring Lyle Waggoner.

I give SWAMP GIRL two and a half Arab white slavers out of four.

© Copyright 2012 by William D. Carl

Available as part of a DVD double-feature with SWAMP COUNTRY from Something Weird Video.

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: CHAINED HEAT (1983)

Posted in 2012, 80s Movies, Exploitation Films, Grindhouse, Prison Movies, Sexy Stars, Suburban Grindhouse Memories, Women in Prison with tags , , , , , on March 8, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
Blair Behind Bars!
By Nick Cato

Welcome to the 46th edition of my Suburban Grindhouse Memories, where I’m finally getting around to look at a requested subgenre: Women In Prison films, or WIPs, as connoisseurs of the subgenre so affectionately refer to them. WIPs were a hot ticket in the 70s and early 80s, and as far as I’m concerned, none were as fun, sleazy, and downright mean-spirited as CHAINED HEAT (1983), especially when you consider it played not only in grindhouse theaters, but in respectable multiplexes and duplexes all across the U.S. of A.

What sets CHAINED HEAT apart from others of its ilk is the amazing cast.  When I heard Linda (THE EXORCIST) Blair was starring in this WIP film, my 15 year-old rump made no hesitation getting to the (now defunct) Island Twin Theatre, Staten Island’s best bet for unusual and midnight film offerings, where the opening night line wrapped around the place like a new STAR WARS film had been released.  On top of Blair, cult film legend Sybil Danning was in her prime here and delivers one of her most memorable performances as a tough inmate, plus CLEOPATRA JONES (1973) herself, Tamara Dobson, plays Danning’s African American rival and is tougher than a bucket of galvanized nails.  Topping off the list of cult film icons is John (ANIMAL HOUSE-1978) Vernon as a corrupt warden and his first in command, TV star Stella Stevens (!), plus we get sleaze ball king Henry Silva (you saw him in 1,000 films, including 1980’s ALLIGATOR and 1973’s BATTLE OF THE GODFATHERS) who runs an escort service comprised of inmates along with Stevens’ character.

And those are just at the tip of the iceberg.

Like most WIP films (from 1972’s THE BIG BIRD CAGE to BARBED WIRE DOLLS (1975) to 1982’s THE CONCRETE JUNGLE), CHAINED HEAT follows a typical plot of one woman being busted for some kind of unusual crime (this time Blair is arrested for accidentally killing a man).  Her sentence is 18 months in one seriously hellish prison, overrun with gangs, rapist security guards, and more corruption than your standard presidential campaign.  There’s also a racial sub-plot here, as inmates take sides with either the white or black gangs, and there’s more pot and crack smoking going on than in three Cheech and Chong films combined.

Before the inevitable prison riot, Blair is chosen to leave the jail at night to be an escort, and of course she, being morally better than the other inmates (not to mention the highest paid actor in the film), doesn’t get down and dirty like the other girls do, and in fact manages to help one of the weaker ones fight a rough costumer.

There’s also a sequence that caused us EXORCIST fans to question if Blair was ever truly exorcised: a lengthy nude shower scene where Sybil Danning forces herself on the former teenage devil-doll; I can’t remember ever hearing a theater full of teenaged horn-dogs whistling and screaming “GO FOR IT!” with so much enthusiasm (then again, this WAS less than a year after the blockbuster sequel ROCKY III was released, so pretty much everyone was still yelling “GO FOR IT!” at something or someone).  Unrealistic lesbianism has always been a major part of WIP films, and CHAINED HEAT has its share of it (no doubt helping lead to its successful theatrical run: although rated R, this was about as close to an adult film a teenager could get their hands on at the time, both in theaters and a few months later on VHS).

My favorite sequence is when the warden (John Vernon) reveals to a sexy inmate (in his private office) that he makes his own porn films as they’re making out in his Jacuzzi.  He flicks a button and she realizes they’re being filmed by a bulky video camera mounted above the hot tub.  For some reason she gets into it, despite the balding, unattractive old goat.  This guy gets an A+ for one of the slickest, sleaziest wardens in WIP history.

After the drugs, rape, lesbian sex, straight sex, razor blade murders, knife fights, catfights, and stern speeches by the warden and his right hand man (or in this case, right hand woman), the inmates finally decide it’s time to turn the tables.  They quickly take over the joint, breaking heads and messing the place up, both white and black gangs now working side-by-side against THE MAN.  The best sequence features a male prison guard (who had raped most of the inmates) being SLOWLY stabbed in the throat; it was a simple but effective effect that caused audible groans from the crowd.

While WIP films are quite similar and can get tiring, CHAINED HEAT is simply THE one title to see if you feel the need to experience the subgenre.  It’s not pretty (even the sex scenes are kind-of disgusting), has many technical mistakes (the worst being a sound mic in nearly every-other shot), and it’s about as violent as an R-rated film gets.  In some ways, this is the perfect grindhouse film which I’m STILL amazed had such a mainstream release.

I’ve yet to watch THE EXORCIST (or any other Linda Blair film) the same way again.  Be warned.

© Copyright 2012 by Nick Cato

Ericka (Sybil Danning) lays down the rules to Carol (Linda Blair) in the women in prison classic CHAINED HEAT (1983)

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: THE BEACH GIRLS (1982)

Posted in 2011, Comedies, Drive-in Movies, Exploitation Films, Just Plain Fun, Nick Cato Reviews, R-Rated Comedy, Sexy Stars with tags , , , , , on December 1, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
Before Fast Times, Life was a BEACH!
By Nick Cato

The spring of 1982 was a fantastic time. I was closing in on the end of my junior high days and looking forward to my last summer before high school. Horror films were being released nearly every weekend, as were some decent comedies. But few comedies were as fun (or as memorable) as this silly little T&A flick that (thankfully) made its way to the Amboy Twin Cinema, Staten Island’s most notorious theater for letting us underage pests in with little to no hassle.

Nearly six months before film fans would become captivated with Jeff Spicoli’s antics in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, 1982’s THE BEACH GIRLS hit New York theaters and became something of an underground hit. I remember Roger Ebert giving it a positive review, claiming he’d rather watch it ten more times than have to re-watch whatever film he and Gene Siskel had trashed that week on their old TV show, SNEAK PREVIEWS. I went to see it two days in a row, but then again I was an eighth-grader who fell in love with the film’s star, Debra Blee—who—to my geeky pleasure—went on to appear in such classics as SAVAGE STREETS (1984) and HAMBURGER: THE MOTION PICTURE (1986) and a few others, before starring in her last film, 1987’s BEACH FEVER (Hey, at least she wasn’t afraid of being typecast!).

As far as party films go, THE BEACH GIRLS’s simple premise is quite funny: Sarah (Debra Blee) and her two friends are spending the summer at her uncle’s beach-front house. Her friends (the equally beautiful Val Kline and former real-life PLAYBOY playmate Jeana Tomasina) convince Sarah to throw a massive party. As they begin to get things underway, a drug-smuggling ship discovers they’re about to be intercepted by the coast guard, so they toss about a dozen tall black garbage bags filled with marijuana into the sea. Guess where they wash ashore?

While Sarah spends most of the early stages of THE BEACH GIRLS worrying and trying to get her friends to stop the party, the other girls make phone calls and begin inviting everyone they can think of to come over. The funniest call is made to a pizzeria, where one of the girls asks “Is your delivery boy cute?” Shady character after shady character begin to show up, each one handed a huge bag of weed at the front door as they enter the swanky house. I’d argue there’s more grass smoked in this film than in Cheech and Chong’s UP IN SMOKE (1978), or any other C&C film for that matter. There’s also some horrible music, goofy-dancing (I always wondered where these parties were, where all the girls danced around in bikinis) and a couple of really funny skits, including the coast guard eventually raiding the party and burning the rest of the pot on the front lawn, in turn getting everyone at the party (and themselves) even higher than they were! Of course, Sarah’s Uncle Carl comes home early from a trip and tries to shut the party down…but Sarah’s two friends use their boobs and a huge joint to make him change his mind.

THE BEACH GIRLS was one of those care-free party films released before the fear of AIDS began to tone things down. The California partiers on display here smoke weed, have orgies, and basically do whatever they want with reckless abandon, giving this young mind (and I’m sure many others) a false view of our coming teenage years. Then again, I grew up in New York, so who knows what I missed on the west coast?

While both audiences I saw this with laughed throughout most of it and had a good time, I wonder how today’s politically-correct theater-goers would handle the racial humor (there’s a goofy Mexican gardener who has a fight with a Chinese, kung-fu limo driver named Chang), blatant sexism, and mindless party-till-you-die attitude. As a curve ball, there’s even a couple of wacky scenes where the bags of grass talk to the partiers about to smoke them (one bag convinces a guy it’s really parsley!). I’m starting to believe all who made this flick did so under the influence of multiple controlled substances.

Unlike most modern teenage sex comedies, THE BEACH GIRLS doesn’t feature a bunch of nerds trying to lose their virginity or who are afraid to let it rip: EVERYONE who comes to this shindig drinks, smokes, and shags like the world is about to end (even a couple of dorks), all the while making fun of everyone and everything around them. The mood is basically anarchy incarnate.

And when it comes to cheesy teen comedies, what more could one want? How about one of the best lines in the film: when the pizza guy finally arrives, the girl who answers the door says, “Is that a pepperoni in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” When the guy says “Pepperoni,” and pulls a long one out of his pants, you either get this sophomoric classic or you run in the other direction.

Ah…the 80s…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

Jeana Tomasina, Debra Blee, and Val Kline make up the nucleus of THE BEACH GIRLS, in this publicity shot that sadly doesn’t appear in the film

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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: MYSTICS IN BALI (1981)

Posted in 1980s Horror, 2011, Asian Horror, Based on a True Story, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Campy Movies, Cult Movies, Exploitation Films, Magic, Supernatural, William Carl Articles, Witches with tags , , , , on October 13, 2011 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

MYSTICS IN BALI (1981)


Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk-till-dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.

In the early 1980s, the Indonesian film market was trying to distance itself from its Bollywood cousin. They refuted the song-and-dance numbers and the boy-meets-girl happy endings in favor of emulating the exploitation cinema of the West. Full of crazy amounts of violence, nudity and unfamiliar mythology, grindhouse cinema patrons were graced with such delightfully nutty movies as JUNGLE VIRGIN FORCE (1982), SATAN’S SLAVE (1980), and the don’t-miss-it exploitation classic LADY TERMINATOR (1988). We also got the wild and whacked-out MYSTICS IN BALI (1981), certainly one of the oddest horror films ever produced.

Our story begins in (where else) Bali, where Catherine Kean, a student from the U.S. and her Indonesian boyfriend Mahendra (who proudly sports a ‘Property of Notre Dame’ T-shirt) discuss the book she wants to write about Leak (pronounced Lee-ack), a Balinese black magic. He knows a guy who knows a guy who can take them to meet the Queen of Leak. Within five minutes, they are watching a strange ceremony, obviously a real one shot documentary-style, which features tons of loud screaming and even louder percussion. The following night, they follow the friend’s instructions and do, indeed, find the Queen, a hag with hair covering her face and ten-inch rubber fingernails. She refuses to stop laughing, a high screech that sounds a lot like Witchypoo from H.R. PUFNSTUF of “Seventies Saturday Morning” fame. She cuts off her hand and says to come on back now, ya’ hear, and disappears. The following night, the pair of lovebirds do go back in the spooky forest, where the head Leak demon hides behind a bush, its tongue emerging to snatch jewels and drink blood. Then, it brands Catherine’s leg with its long tongue so she can gain power. Yeah, sure, go ahead and disfigure me with a ten foot tongue. Catherine and Mahendra take it all in stride. The next evening, Catherine returns wearing a traditional undergarment (!) and holding a cloth of spells. In the background, we can hear the wolves (werewolves?) of Bali howling in the night. Wait a minute!  Are wolves indigenous to Bali?  Not unless it’s the soccer team, the Tangerang Wolves.

“Where do you get your nails done?” The Queen of Leak from MYSTICS OF BALI.

Catherine returns alone to find a hysterically laughing pig-woman, who even resembles Witchypoo. They both laugh for what seems like ten minutes, and I had to laugh along with them. It’s just infectious!  Then, they dance like hula dancers with Parkinson’s Disease, and in a moment of so-called “special effects”, the two women transforms into pigs. But, in the morning, Catherine seems fine, not bothered at all by her swinely state. Luckily, Mahendra’s uncle is a holy man, who recites holy Buddhist mantras. What a stroke of luck!

Even though she feels ill, Catherine goes back to the park to learn the final lesson of the Leak (I’m at a loss to explain anything she’s learned except how to become a pig). After a long laughing match, Catherine’s head rises right off her body, pulling out most of her internal organs — heart, lungs, intestines—which dangle from her neck. The Leak sends her head, trailing her guts, flying out after nourishment. This leads to one of the sickest scenes ever to (dis)grace a movie screen. A pregnant woman is having trouble birthing her baby. The head, now sporting fangs, flies to between her open legs, and sucks out the unborn child!  The woman’s stomach slowly deflates as Catherine’s possessed head slurps away. After this, the Leak apparently has complete control over Catherine, screeching and laughing, “I’ll never let you get away!”  Plus, the Leak seems able to transform itself into a worm Leak, a fish face Leak, a beautiful woman, a snake, all with the aid of helpful time-lapse photography. She also becomes a pair of laughing, bouncing balls of fire. Meanwhile, Catherine gets sicker and sicker, even vomiting blood after being kissed by her boyfriend, which should be a turn-off, but Mehandra doesn’t seem to mind very much. Although, his hair does continue to get bigger, making him look more and more like Tony Orlando.

“I have a special present for your baby!”

More insane laughing. More heads flying through the night. More babies are devoured, sadly off-screen. Finally, a bunch of local holy men and magicians decide to stop talking and take action. It’s up to Mehandra’s uncle to stop the floating head zombie chick before she kills again, giving eternal life to the forest witch Leak!  It’s not as exciting as it sounds, but it does involve villagers with torches trying bat the head like a psychotic piñata and stabbing incense sticks into the headless body. This is followed a laser show that almost demands Pink Floyd playing in the background, instead of the cheesy electronic music we get. Then, the ultimate in dues ex machina excuses for the final battle. Yes, a god comes down and fights the evil pig woman in a not-so-royal rumble.

Wow!

The director of this hilarious trashy wonder is H. Tjut Djalil, who should be recognized and lauded as Indonesia’s greatest exploitation director. Not only did he give us the fabulous beyond words LADY TERMINATOR (1988), but also SATAN’S BED (1983), THE WHITE ALLIGATOR QUEEN (1988),  and  DANGEROUS SEDUCTRESS (1995). MYSTICS IN BALI was one of his earliest flicks, and it’s obviously low-budget, but it contains fun, rubbery special effects, laughable acting, atrocious dubbing, a very loud percussion and electronic score, way too much blue eye shadow, neat locations in temples and parks, and a totally new kind of villain. It never reaches the ludicrous highs (lows?) of LADY TERMINATOR, but it certainly comes close.

With its flying heads, floating monks, hysterical laughter, snakes, fireballs, sub-par optical effects and witches, there’s never a dull moment in MYSTICS IN BALI. If you’re looking for something different—and I mean really different —this is the movie for you!  It’s available on a great looking DVD from Mondo Macabro Video, that includes a terrific essay about Indonesian exploitation.

I give it three and a half Witchypoos out of four.

© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl

This stop - PAGAN ISLAND. Next stop - MYSTICS OF BALI.

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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: THREE BAD SISTERS (1956)

Posted in 1950s Movies, 2011, B-Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Exploitation Films, Family Secrets, Scream Queens, William Carl Articles with tags , , , , on September 15, 2011 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

By William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

THREE BAD SISTERS (1956)

Welcome to BILL’S BIZARRE BIJOU, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.


This week, we examine the forgotten 1956 potboiler, THREE BAD SISTERS (“What they did to men was nothing compared to what they did to each other!”). Part film-noir, part sexy soap opera, THREE BAD SISTERS spins the sordid story of the Craig family. Patriarch Marshall Craig dies in a plane crash, despite the best efforts of his pilot Jim Norton (John Bromfield of REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (1955) and THE FURIES (1950)) to save his life. This leaves three sisters (only two of which are truly ‘bad.’) Gorgeous Marla English (THE SHE CREAUTURE (1956), RUNAWAY DAUGHTERS (1956)) plays Vicki Craig, a nymphomaniac who drips with sexual innuendos and tight fitting outfits. “I graduated summu cum laude from Embraceable U,” she proudly purrs when she meets our pilot. Marilyn Monroe look-a-like Kathleen Hughes (IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953), CULT OF THE COBRA-(1955)) is second sister Valerie, first shown enjoying getting slapped around. This sadomasochistic streak defines her character as she plots and connives, grinning wildly at everyone else’s misfortune. The good sister, Lorna, is played by Sara Shane (TARZAN’S GREATEST ADVENTURE (1959)), who is the executor of Daddy’s millions and is engaged to boring, steadfast family lawyer George, played by Jess Barker (Mr. Susan Hayward and star of SCARLET STREET (1945) and THE NIGHT WALKER (1964)). There’s also an old Aunt Martha (who doesn’t do dreadful things), who suspects our hero pilot of purposefully killing her brother Marshall, and she’s played by great Hollywood character actress Madge Kennedy (THEY SHOOT HORSES DON’T THEY (1969) and LUST FOR LIFE (1956)).


When news of her father’s death is read on a radio broadcast, wicked Valerie starts putting her nefarious plans into motion even as she lounges in post coital bliss in the arms of a sailor. She hires Jim Norton to seduce her good sister Lorna then drive her to commit suicide, which probably wouldn’t take much. Lorna and Jim meet cute on the top of a cliff where Lorna is about to take a dive into the rocks. You see, the Craig family is plagued by suicide and mental illness, which explains why Marshall tried to grab the plane’s controls and Norton had to wrest the plane back, only not in time to save his boss. Before you can say “King Lear Revisited,” Norton’s actually falling for the lovely Lorna, Vicki is trying to woo our studly, square-jawed pilot away from Lorna, and Valerie is putting out rumors and setting everyone in the household against each other. Jim talks Lorna into marrying him, and he gains power of attorney over the estate. But is he only after the money or does he actually love his new bride? By the end of the film, there are fist fights, cat fights, a great jazz combo scene, horse riding “accidents”, two car chases, a disfiguring riding crop whipping session, Brett Halsey (HIGH SCHOOL HELLCATS (1958), and ATOMIC SUBMARINE and GIRL FROM LOVER’S LANE, both 1960) in a small bit as a Vicki-shunned pin-up artist, and a lot more packed into a speedy 76 minutes. When we get to the off-putting, abrupt happy ending, two of the three sisters are dead. Guess which ones?

Although somewhat predictable, the film drives ahead at full speed and it gets a huge boost from its wonderful B-movie heaven cast. All three starlets playing the sisters are sexy as hell, and they appear to be having a ball vamping it up and spouting such lines as:

“It takes a woman to hang onto a man like Jim, not a psychopath!”

“Speaking of dullness, what do you think of our Lorna?”

“I only get kicks from a man when I know I’m stealing him from another woman.”

“What price competition now, DARLING?”

Kathleen Hughes is especially effective. With her Marilyn Monroe poses and parted lips, she exudes sex and sadism. In one scene, she takes a riding crop to another character and laughs and smiles while beating the heck out of her victim. She positively has a Big O when two men get into a fistfight over her.

And let’s not forget John Bromfield, who’s pretty handsome as well. An early bodybuilder, the film shows him shirtless or in wet swimming trunks several times, upping the beefcake factor more than most Fifties films. His clipped speech pattern and slightly awkward mannerisms place him solidly in the pantheon of film-noir lunkheads.

The film’s loaded with fun twists and witty lines by way of a smart screenplay by Gerald Drayson Adams, who wrote dozens of B-budget oaters and many episodes of the TV shows CHEYENNE and MAVERICK. Competently directed by Gilbert Kay, who mostly worked in television Westerns, I believe the real credit for the glossy look of the picture probably belongs to Howard Koch, the producer. The film looks and feels like one of its big budget brethren, which is understandable when you realize Koch also produced THE ODD COUPLE (1968), AIRPLANE! (1980), and executive produced THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962). The sun dappled photography by Lester Shorr (TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN (1969) and numerous episodes of THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES and LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY) makes this the brightest film noir ever, other than the classic LEAVE HER TO HEAVEN (1945). The terrific jazz score is by the great, recently deceased Paul Dunlap, who also composed scores for (the Sam Fuller classics) SHOCK CORRIDOR (1953) and THE NAKED KISS (1964), as well as I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF (1957), among many others. The jazz is hot, like the ladies and the undercurrent of sexual danger, and it works beautifully.

THREE BAD SISTERS is available on Netflix Streaming, and I highly recommend it for noir lovers and admirers of high camp DYNASTY-esque soap operas. I give it three riding crops out of four. Definitely worth watching, especially if you like scream queens from the 1950s.

© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl

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Suburban Grindhouse Memories: LADY TERMINATOR!

Posted in 2011, 80s Horror, Action Movies, Cult Movies, Cyborgs, Exploitation Films, Grindhouse, Hot Chick Movies, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , on September 8, 2011 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES
“She Mates . . . Then She TERMINATES!“
By Nick Cato


June, 1989. I see an ad in the NY Daily News for what promises to be a real wild one. I venture out of the safety of my suburban neighborhood (alone) and hit the still-sleazy pre-Guiliani Times Square for what would be my final visit to the famed area before it was cleansed a few years later. Getting off the train around 36th Street, I see a HUGE billboard poster for LADY TERMINATOR, and attempted to peel it off. No luck. I was offered weed and other substances at least five times during my eight-block trek uptown to the theater. One guy claimed to have switchblades. I kept walking, keeping my eyes straight ahead, hoping I made it to the theater in one piece.

MAN, do I miss the old NYC.

LADY TERMINATOR played solo, a rarity for a Times Square feature at that time. I attended an afternoon showing, and the place had at least a dozen people in attendance…yet I was thrilled about ten minutes into the film when screams and comments were flying as loudly as any midnight screening of ROCKY HORROR could hope for.

Check out the plot of this Indonesian import: An anthropology student named Tania Wilson (played by the beautiful Barbara Ann Constable in her ONLY credited role) becomes possessed by some ancient queen—while exploring her underwater lair. In a surreal/dream-like sequence, Tania finds herself swimming one second then tied to a huge bed the next. An eel-like creature wiggles up the sheets and into her vagina, causing her to become possessed. She soon emerges on shore (stark naked) and interrupts a lame drinking party where she wastes a couple of losers. After taking one of their leather jackets (yeah, this follows THE TERMINATOR (1984) quite closely at this point), she begins an all-out attack that’d make Hurricane Irene green with envy. While it’s never clear why this ancient sea witch is bent on revenge, the audience (and I) really didn’t care. Tania (aka the LADY TERMINATOR) goes TOTALLY BALISTIC, creating a body count ten miles high via machine guns and a couple of brutal sex scenes (Remember the tag line: “She mates…then she TERMINATES!” One blurb that lives up to its promise).

Why this woman is turned into a cyborg-type revenge creature by an ANCIENT sea witch is anyone’s guess, but that’s not even a quarter of a quarter of the flaws in this insanely ridiculous action romp. And when Tania starts her killing spree, you’ll either overlook these flaws, ride with it and have the greatest time of your trash film life, or shut the DVD off and continue to be a dullard (This film is actually playing in NYC at a rare screening in a couple of weeks—I’m freaking out that I can’t attend— hence the inspiration for this week’s column).

What put the crowd into a screaming frenzy were several repeated scenes, especially one of Tania spraying a group of military men with machine gun fire: that had to be shown at least five times. I’m guessing this saved the film crew from having to shoot from different angles? Either way, this is the type of thing that makes “so-bad-they’re-good” movies memorable.

I’m a big fan of the original TERMINATOR. BUT, I can sit through LADY TERMINATOR a thousand more times without being bored, as it contains more car chases, explosions, gore, violence, nudity and sheer insanity than a dozen low budget rip-offs combined. (It should be noted that star Barbara Ann Constable is also credited as doing the make-up for the film, too).

The most amazing aspect of LADY TERMINATOR is it’s ability to entertain to the CORE, despite a plot that’s all over the place (or not even there, depending on who you talk to), dialogue that’s beyond inept, and question after question after question and confusion on top of confusion. SOMEHOW this pile of Indonesian trash WORKS. It’s a true miracle of low-budget filmmaking that I’ve been contemplating for the past twenty-two years, made worse by my second viewing via a VHS screening in the early 90s.

I think I’m finally ready to seek this out on DVD…although when I do it’ll be hard not to toss it in the DVD player for weekly viewings.

LADY TERMINATOR was one of the greatest exploitation films I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing on the big screen with my fellow Noo Yawk trash hounds at the near-end of the GENUINE grindhouse era.

I think I’m gonna go cry now…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

LADY TERMINATOR (Barbara Ann Constable) begins her body count that makes the original TERMINATOR look like an episode of SESAME STREET!

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Bill’s Bizarre Bijou: SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM (1976)

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2011, Action Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, Cop Movies, Crime Films, Drive-in Movies, Exploitation Films, Grindhouse, William Carl Articles with tags , , , , , , on September 1, 2011 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

By William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM (1976)


Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk till dawn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes.

Today’s presentation is SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM (1976) aka BLAZING MAGNUM, aka .44 SPECIAL, aka TOUGH TONY SAITTA, an unknown piece of Canucksploitation from our neighbors to the north with a helping hand from Italian director Alberto de Martino (under the nom-de-plume Martin Herbert). Now, our friend Alberto’s been making movies since the early 1960s, such as THE BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER (1963), the execrable THE PUMAMAN (1980), BLOOD LINK (1982), and the dreadful MIAMI GOLEM (1985), so I wasn’t expecting much. I am delighted to report I was totally wrong, and SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM is one hell of a great ride in almost every way.

Stuart Whitman (of KNOTS LANDING, MURDER SHE WROTE, and THE FBI fame) stars as tough cop Tony Saitta, who promptly after the credits stops the getaway of a bunch of crooks by destroying half of a city and showcasing some truly amazing slo-mo stunt-work. His sister, Louise, (Carole Laure- SWEET MOVIE -1974, GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS-1978) calls from Montreal with an emergency, but he’s too busy chasing bad guys to take the call. His partner is played by exploitation veteran John Saxon (BLOOD BEACH, BEYOND EVIL, BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS – all 1982, a typical year for the busy Saxon). Martin Landau, Oscar winner for ED WOOD (1994) but also star of exploitation classics ALONE IN THE DARK (1982) and WITHOUT WARNING (1980), plays a doctor and professor with ties to the sister and a wife with psychological issues.

By the time our anti-hero returns his sister’s call, she’s died mysteriously at a party, and he must fly to Montreal to identify the body. Before you can sing a verse of ‘Oh Canada’, Tony Saitta is investigating Louise’s death with the aid of Saxon and Louise’s blind friend Julie, played by Tisa Farrow, sister of Mia and recipient of a giant splinter to her eyeball in Lucio Fulci’s ZOMBIE (1979). Hmmm, Mia was blind in SEE NO EVIL (1971) and her sister is blind in this one. Coincidence? Only the producers know for sure.

Suspects begin popping up like litigators around an ambulance in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Ex-boyfriends, new boyfriends, her doctor, and more, and Stuart Whitman gets to slap around almost every one of them. Whitman and Saxon make a good buddy cop team, intensely interrogating possible killers, arguing, and actually creating interesting characters along the way. The acting is far better than is necessary for the material, and the mystery is all the stronger for it.

Another young woman who was at the same party as Louise has her head bashed in, before being fed to a rock crusher in a quarry. Only, it turns out the girl was actually a guy in drag. “Like something you’d find in a fruit market?” Whitman asks, raising a knowing eyebrow. Rummaging through sex shops for information about transvestites, Tony finds the address of a group of drag queens living together in catty bliss. Cut to the home of Cinderella and her evil stepsisters, three bitchy queens in full glamour drag. As soon as he starts his usually rough interrogation, the “girls” fight back. You ain’t seen anything till you’ve seen Stuart Whitman judo-kicked through a glass door by a silver lame’ clad drag queen! After they all beat the crap out of each other for at least five minutes, they call truce and we all find out who the murdered transvestite was.

Tony Saitta gets his butt kicked by a gang of drag queens in BLAZING MAGNUM (aka SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM)

Meanwhile, someone has started leaving traps for the blind girl in her apartment, and she almost plummets to her demise when she wanders into a room under construction with a huge hole in the wall, several stories above the street. Didn’t she feel the breeze? Didn’t she hear the birds?

All the suspects appear to be sleeping with each other, and many secrets begin coming to the foreground. Who knew Montreal was such a swinging town? Margie Cohn, wife of the college president, seems to be at the center of the web of lies, and since she’s played by the stunningly lovely Gayle Hunnicutt (THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE-1973) we would follow her and her fibs anywhere.

Subway brawls, midget informants, blackmail schemes, helicopter escapes, and one of the greatest car chases of all time. I’m serious! This is as good as, if not better than, the chase scenes from THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971), BULLIT (1968), or THE BOURNE IDENTITY (2002). The editing, the music, the sound effects, the stunts are all first-rate all the way for the full extent of seven and a half minutes. Yes, a motorcycle plows into the requisite pile of empty boxes, but one double jump is so impressive that it’s shown four times from four different camera angles. It culminates in both cars leaping over a moving train, getting attached, and then the chase continues through a rock quarry. Are there really this many rock quarries in Montreal? The stunts were coordinated and choreographed by Remy Julienne, who also devised the driving stunts for THE ITALIAN JOB (1969), FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981), and THE DA VINCI CODE (2006). It’s the centerpiece action scene in an action-filled flick, and it is an adventure lover’s dream come true. If you’d like to check it out, it’s on Youtube at www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-mGNk9lLuE .

There’s even a giallo scene in which a character is killed in the same room as the blind girl, who can’t see the killer or escape. When the murderer is revealed, it’s actually pretty shocking and involves a baby in a hospital nursery held at knife-point. This movie’s really got it all. I wonder if Quentin Tarantino’s ever seen it?

SHADOWS IN AN EMPTY ROOM isn’t a perfect film. The photography is as flat as a made-for-TV movie of the week, and the music is pretty much dated and sounds like leftovers from THE STREETS OF SAN FRANSISCO (1972 – 1977), and there are a few confusing spots in the script, but there’s an honest grittiness to the whole thing. The acting is pretty terrific, the action is unbelievably realistic and exciting – especially that car chase sequence – and the mystery is actually compelling. What a wonderful piece of entertainment! Why isn’t this thing well known? It deserves to be. It’s a million times better than any current summer action movie playing the multiplexes, and there isn’t a computer-generated stunt in the whole 100 glorious minutes. These are real people endangering themselves for your enjoyment. I raise a Guinness to them. Salute!

Don't mess with Stuart Whitman as Tony Saitta!

I saw this on a collection of DVDs called GRINDHOUSE EXPERIENCE 2 from Fortune 5 DVDs under the title, BLAZING MAGNUM. I believe this may be the only way to find this rare film, but it is well worth seeking out.

I give it four rock quarries out of four.

© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl

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