Archive for the 2011 Category

« Older Entries

The Ghost of Christmas Past Presents: ELVES (1989)

Posted in 2011, 80s Horror, B-Movies, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, HOLIDAY CHEER, William Carl Articles with tags , , , , , on December 21, 2012 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou

William D. Carl

This Week’s Feature Presentation:

ELVES (1989)

“They’re not working for Santa anymore.”

Welcome to Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, where you’ll discover the strangest films ever made. If there are alien women with too much eye-shadow and miniskirts, if papier-mâché monsters are involved, if your local drive-in insisted this be the last show in their dusk-till-awn extravaganza, or if it’s just plain unclassifiable – then I’ve seen it and probably loved it. Now, I’m here to share these little gems with you so you too can stare in disbelief at your television with your mouth dangling open. Trust me, with these flicks, you won’t believe your eyes!

Ah, Christmas . . . a time to relax on the couch with a cup of warm cocoa (with mini marshmallows, of course), a time to bring the family together to view one of the great holiday films from yesteryear that always brings a tear to your eye and a lump to your throat. What is it to be this year? IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)? MIRACLE ON 34th STREET (1947)? The Mexican atrocity SANTA CLAUS (1959)? No, this year good cheer and warm cockles will be brought to you via the 1989 horror/fantasy film, ELVES. You’ve never heard of it? Well, there’s a reason. Several reasons, in fact.

During a typical Christmas movie title sequence, I discover the star is none other than Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty (Haggerty was the star of THE LIFE AND TIMES OF GRIZZLY ADAMS from 1977 – 1978). This does nothing to instill confidence in the director’s choice, but he does sort of resemble a coked-up Santa with his bulging belly and golden beard.

Next, we meet three typical 80’s chicks, complete with big hair, Spandex outfits, and candles. Their leader, Kirsten, played by Julie Austen (EXTREME JUSTICE – 1993) claims they’re the Sisters of Anti-Christmas, and they decry the holiday as a commercialized, media-driven event. Well, duh. Kirsten displays a piece of nearly pornographic art called ‘The Virgin of Anti-Christmas,’ and they try out a satanic ceremony so one of the girls can obtain the attentions of a boy. They hurry home as a thunderstorm approaches (at Christmas-time?), while something scrawny and wrinkled and rubbery tracks our naughty artist to her home, where she’s bitch-slapped by her German grandfather (Borah Silver, who played Prince on the KOJAK television series from 1973 – 1978). It’s his spell book the girls were using. In the stark lighting of the home, we can plainly see this ‘girl’ is at least forty years old. We also meet her mother, played by Deanna Lund (Valerie on THE LAND OF THE GIANTS TV show from 1968 – 1970), who looks both younger and prettier than her daughter, and she threatens to clean out the girl’s baby-sitting money from her bank account. Cue shower scene, where little brother peeks on Kirsten. When discovered, Sis calls him a pervert. He calmly replies, “I like looking at naked girls. And you’ve got f—-g big t—ts, and I’m gonna tell everyone what I saw!” Meanwhile, the rubbery creature conjured out of the ground watches as sister and brother make up and wrestle inappropriately on her bed. What is with this family?

Anyway, the elf creature breaks a window with its wobbling little rubber fist and we’re treated to two minutes of blurry elf-vision until the gremlin rip-off straddles the foul-mouthed kid brother. Sadly, it doesn’t kill him.

Our hero, Mike McGavin, played by Haggerty, walks into the local department store after giving a few shekels to the Salvation Army outside, so you know he’s a good guy. Due to the prevalence of elf-vision POV shots, we ascertain the creature is following Kirstin to her work in the department store cafe. Behind her, Mike is pleading with the store manager for a job, any job. I think we all see where this is going. The ‘teenaged’ girls get in line and wait to sit on Santa’s lap, where Kris Kringle cops a feel up her leg and talks dirty. Back at home, Mom drowns her daughter’s kitten in the toilet. Why? Just to be mean, that’s why! Joan Crawford had nothing on this evil witch!

Santa’s mild gropings get him fired, and he is promptly castrated by a rubbery knife in a little rubbery hand while he is snorting cocaine. Merry Christmas, everyone! Slay bells ring!

Kirsten arrives home and says, “It was a rough day at work. Santa got murdered.” Grizzly Adams—I mean, Mike—arrives home to his trailer and finds it padlocked. When the girl sees a little monster peeking in her window, her grandpa goes crazy and interrogates her. He speaks to his daughter in German and she screeches, “Don’t start in on those elves again!” Again? Is this a typical conversation in ANY home?

Mike makes friends with Kirsten at the department store, and he’s spotted by the manager. Soon, he’s the new Santa, getting peed on by infants and with a changing room with a bloody chalk-outline on the floor. Luckily, he used to be a detective, so he can investigate the death of the previous St. Nick.

Grandpa has another German friend from the old days, Ruebenkreutz (I’d love a Rueben with kraut, please) who gets really excited when he finds out Grandpa’s granddaughter has been “chosen” by the elf. Grandpa, however, seems less than thrilled.

It’s not Will Ferrell. It’s an ELF from the 1989 movie ELVES

After investigating in the local library (“Section 666”), Camel-smoking Mike discovers a link between the Nazis and the murder. You see, Hitler ordered his scientists to create a race of supermen (feeble little rubbery guys?), but they must mate with a virgin to achieve their true superpowers. Mike heads back to the store, where he plans to sleep, and the trio of girls break into the place for a party in the lingerie department. Yowza! Three boys show up to join the party. So now we have three bubble-headed, big-haired girls in fancy underwear, Grizzly Adams, an oversexed boy band, and the Elves of the Third Reich all in the same cheap location. Trouble is definitely brewing. And this is before the house detective is killed and three robbers in bad suits (also Nazis) show up. Several people are killed, and the store manager declares “It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. You think anyone’s gonna want to shop here with blood stains on the floor?”

Back home, Gramps is determined to protect Kirsten from his wheelchair, but Mom doesn’t believe in any of his “stupid myths.” Mike enlists the aid of a professor who provides all the exposition necessary . . . and it deals with Noah’s Ark, God, and elves. He’s smart, you know, because he smokes a pipe. He even says about the Nazis, “If you ignore their brutality, they were just a bunch of crackpots.” What?

Mom goes a bit crazy when her daughter says she wants her father. “Go down to the study,” she screeches, harpy-like. “He’s your grandfather and your father!” I waited for the slapping to start (“He’s my father. He’s my grandfather. He’s my father.”) Gramps explains how Mom wasn’t harmed at all, that he needed to sleep with his daughter in order to produce a Kirsten – a receptacle for elf sperm. (All I can say is. . . Ewww!)

Mike tracks down another exposition-spouting John Waters look-alike professor to explain the very last pieces of the elf puzzle to him, and he’s off to the rescue. Racing to Kirsten’s house at an amazing forty miles per hour, his car is possessed by an elf spirit (what the what?) and blows up just as he leaps from the vehicle. But will he make it in time to prevent the master race from being created or even to stop the elf from getting his floppy hands on Kirsten’s virgin (Ha!) body? You’ll have to watch till the ludicrous apocalyptic ending to know for certain, but I really wanted to shout out “Oh, mighty Isis!”

Grizzly Adams himself (Dan Haggerty) is humanity’s only hope against ELVES!

Dan Haggerty must have been in his pre-Betty Ford Clinic days when he made this. He slurs his lines in a barely intelligible manner that sounds like Brando with a bag of marbles in his mouth. He’s pretty bad, seemingly bored out of his probably stoned skull.

And let’s take a moment to talk about the Elf himself. Despite his crinkled, scary face, the little beastie doesn’t look like he could chase down a double amputee. He’s weak, powerless, and if the elf-o-vision POV is any indication, he’s nearly blind. All he can do is sneak up on the clods in this move and attack them by surprise, because these schmucks don’t even try to fight back. At one point, the elf is actually frightened by a wind-up plush toy pig. They look like the kind of thing you can pick up at any Halloween City to decorate your lawn. Some poor P.A. is probably under it moving it around a bit. And what’s with the plural nature of the title of the movie? There’s only one damn elf in it!

Despite all these problems, ELVES moves quickly from point A to point B, with plenty of quotable dialogue, ugly violence, pretty girls with giant hair and 80’s slang, an extended nude scene by Deanna Lund in a bathtub, a throbbing synth score, car wrecks, scary faces inside Christmas trees, drugs, bad puppetry, and some seriously messed-up family situations. It’s never boring! With a bit of help from a few alcoholic beverages, this would be a laugh riot to watch with friends during the holidays. Peppermint Schnapps would probably be perfect.

More good lines:

“What’s going on? Are we going to be all right?” “No, Grandpa’s a Nazi.”

“Now that Hell is full, I wonder where you will go?”

“Santa said oral.”

A sick and twisted no-budget movie that’ll have you in stitches, this little wonder of ickiness is a cool antidote to all the syrupy Christmas films available, but I wouldn’t rush out to try and locate a copy. Good luck if you do, because it is tough to find.

I give it two incestuous Nazis out of four.

© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl

Leave A Comment »

PETER DUDAR’S BEST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Best Of Lists, Exorcism Movies, Ghost Movies, Paranormal, Peter Dudar Reviews with tags , , , , on January 15, 2012 by knifefighter

This really has been kind of a blah year in terms of media events.  You have to figure when idiots like the Kardashians and Donald Trump garner more attention than movies, music, and books, then we as an artful society have really suffered and lost ground.  It almost feels like the entertainment world really has nothing new and exciting to offer.  Nonetheless, it’s imperative that we celebrate the best of the best (even if our opinions are subjective and have cause for disagreement) and since L.L. is sending me hate mail to write something, here are my picks and pans for 2011:

Best Movie:  Hands down, my choice was INSIDIOUS.  The fact is, though, that I just don’t have time anymore to rush out and see every movie that I want to see, and I kind of have to pick and choose.  My year in the theater was peppered with must-see only flicks and kids movies like ALVIN AND THE CHIPMONKS, CHIPWRECKED!  But INSIDIOUS was the one I really, really wanted to see.  It lived up to the hype of the Facebook preview clips and the blurbs I’ve seen posted everywhere (and you’ve probably seen them too…the campaign where they show people getting interviewed immediately after walking out halfway, most crying or too frightened to talk about what they’d just seen).  The contenders were PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3, CAPTAIN AMERICA and the final HARRY POTTER flick.  I also want to add a DVD flick that I saw at the beginning of the year (which had been released the year before) called THE NEW DAUGHTER.  I thought this movie was quite sensational, and it took me a whole year to get L.L. to finally sit down and watch it.  After all the protests, he finally agreed that he liked it, too.

Worst Movie:  Well, not really.  More like a pan on the motion picture industry in general.  Over the last several years I’ve railed against remakes and reboots of my favorite horror films.  This year I’m pissed off at the idiocy of presenting kick-ass trailers, only to have the movie itself NOT get released on the big screen.  Cases in point: THE POUGHKEEPSIE TAPES and GRAVE ENCOUNTERS.  The previews for both these movies left me drooling and checking the Moviefone app on my iPod, but were released in either limited engagements or direct-to-download releases.  If you’ve made the investment on the film, why wouldn’t you try to recoup your finances?  Even the worst horror films seem to make money at the box office, so what the hell is holding you back?  I have seen reviews for GRAVE ENCOUNTERS, and even though they’ve been unfavorable, I still want to see it.  So take note, Hollywood…don’t take us half-way and leave us like a cheap ho with the clap!

And with an eye to the future:  I’m highly anticipating January’s release of THE DEVIL INSIDE.  The trailers look supremely frightening; especially the NC-17 preview where the priest drowns a baby during it’s baptism (I’m still in shock from watching THAT one).

Hope you enjoyed 2011.  I, for one, could have skipped it, but as my daughter is fond of saying, “You git what you git and don’t pitch a fit!”

Cheers and Blessings for 2012!

© Copyright 2011 by Peter N. Dudar

1 Comment »

DAN KEOHANE’S BEST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Aliens, Best Of Lists, Daniel Keohane Reviews, Superheroes with tags , , , , , on January 14, 2012 by knifefighter

DAN’S BEST FILMS OF 2011
By Daniel G. Keohane

I’m always amazed, when I compile these “Best Of” lists, how many movies released this year I actually managed to see. I don’t remember going to the cinema that often. Of course, some of the following movies I watched on my TV via Amazon or Netflix. Even so, I did well, though I have yet to see a number of films I really wanted to. For instance, MELANCHOLIA, for some strange reason, was only showing for a couple of weeks at the Coolidge Corner Theater in Boston. A bit far for me. But it’s a film I have on my “To See List.”

Well, what did I see and enjoy this year?

Let’s start with the plethora of superhero films from 2011. Having been a comic book geek in my youth, these usually rise to the top of my Have To See thingy. Of the five I watched, X-MEN: FIRST CLASS was by far the best. This surprised me—after the last couple of left-me-wanting sequels/prequels to this franchise, my expectations were low. But FIRST CLASS was just that, a first class film in acting, writing and special effects. It did loving homage to such an established comic franchise. And there was no cameo from Nick Fury that I can remember.

Before seeing FIRST CLASS (on DVD), THOR had been at the top as the best of these types of films for 2011. Thor was one of my oft-read comics, and the guy who played Captain Kirk (yes, I’ve decided to write this column without the use of my faithful friend, IMDB.com) kicked ass as Odin’s adventurous son. I watched the 2D version by the way. But let’s not get into that. (Captain Kirk was Thor? Now I’m really confused ~ your intrepid editor)

GREEN LANTERN was a surprise pleasure. Mind you, growing up I was a Marvel kid, and my friend Kevin was the DC fan. But there were a few DC series I’d read regularly: Green Arrow and Aquaman for example. Green Lantern sometimes, and to be honest this whole “space cops protecting the universe” mythos must be a recent theme because I don’t remember all these other “Lanterns” in the seventies. For the movie, I had read complaints abut the back story being too long, the story too silly. I rented the film—maybe they edited it for the DVD—and the opening story was maybe a minute long, no more. I thought the movie was as fast-moving and enjoyable as any superhero flick can be. Good effects, too. Maybe my expectations were low enough to actually enjoy the movie, who knows?

On the flip side, one movie where my expectations were high but the film did NOT smack me upside the head was CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER. It was good, mind you. Well acted, good script, but… I don’t know. Cap was one of my favorites, and maybe because this movie was a period piece—more war movie than modern-day tale—or maybe — and I think this had a lot to do with it —because I’d already seen most of the movie in the trailers, something felt missing for me. The previews for this film pretty much showed everything. I did enjoy parts (how he was commercialized by the army for propaganda, etc), but overall, the move fell a bit flat.

Lastly in this category, and I only mention it for one reason: TRANSFORMERS: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON was a feast for the eyes visually. The special effects were mind-popping, especially with the 3D glasses. The story itself was inane and well beyond silly. But it made this list for the sheer over-the-top audacity of the visuals. Nothing else.

The final half of the final chapter of the story of the Boy Who Lived, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, PART 2, rocked. Perfect adaptation of the last half of the book, and it even managed to improve on parts, especially the climactic battle. In this year of overly-long film titles, HPATDHP2 stands above the rest. At least to me—quiet Prince of Geekdom, that I am.

TROLLHUNTER is probably not a 2011 film, but was released this year in the US, played for a bit in theaters before rushing onto Netflix’s Instant Watch. It was AMAZING (caveat: amazing considering its budget and the obvious restrictions that come with it). The use of the camera (yea, it’s one of those hand-held camera flicks a la BLAIR WITCH) worked well as a student documentary/expose. The acting was quite good, and the trolls were very, very cool! The best thing, and I’m not giving away anything, (I promise!) is they stayed away from the most annoying aspect of this film subgenre. The filmmakers did not kill off every character at the end of the movie. Big Yay! (Lesson to be learned here….). Oh, and it was subtitled – I believe it was Norwegian or Swedish or something. (Remember, promised not to IMDB this one).

I have to admit, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 was at least as good as any three-quel could be. There were some scary parts, and since it “scared the shit out of” my then-16 year old daughter Amanda (and that’s a quote), I had to put it here.

RED RIDING HOOD was another surprise. Quite good, cleverly done, decent acting. One thing that helped was that it was kind of a weird and eerily-shot movie. Everything from the sets to the music to the performances themselves were dream-like and creepy. Targeted to a teen audience, it did not succumb to the need to condescend, or lower itself to some imaginary mental level. The creators assumed, rightly, that teenagers have a brain and an imagination and made a unique little film with some clever twists.

It took me until a couple weeks ago to see COWBOYS & ALIENS, but it was worth the wait. Great performances all around, nice special effects that did not go too overboard (it was a western after all). The concept of old west cowboys trying to defend themselves against high-tech aliens was well done. The introduction of one character halfway through the film who seemed to have all the answers was a cop-out, truth be told, but aside from that, a great film.

Quick shout out to a few other movies that I enjoyed, but I’m running out of room: THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU (I liked it, clever in an INCEPTION kind of way, though it got a bit sluggish in the middle); LIMITLESS (great movie, another which got itself tied in knots midway but which unraveled nicely); THE LINCOLN LAWYER (not horror or science fiction, but a great date movie); SUPER 8 (disappointing for me as a Spielberg and Abrams fan—and an example of how a vastly stupid ending can ruin an otherwise great movie), and J. EDGAR (I just watched it last night—amazing performance by Leonardo DiCaprio and every other cast member—though not the most exciting film ever made… if you like historical, semi-period pieces, you’ll enjoy this. See it for no other reason than to watch the guy from the television show BURN NOTICE playing Bobby Kennedy).

I saw other films as well, but they weren’t in the Best Of category in my mind, so we’ll skip them.

Before I leave, I just wanted to give a quick list of my favorite movies from prior years which I finally got to see for the first time this year:

THE KING’S SPEECH (2010) and THE FIGHTER (2010) —we saw these in January to get ready for the Academy Awards. Both deserved the Oscars they won. Both are Must See Films in my mind.

BLOOD DIAMOND (2006) —another DiCaprio flick and one which almost won the Oscar in its year. I finally got around to seeing it at Linda’s urging and it blew my mind.

VALKYRIE (2008) —yes, Tom Cruise should not do talk show circuits, but yes, he should make movies. He and everyone else in this “Based on a True Story” film about a plot to kill Hitler was amazing. Watch it. Yes, yes, I know he’s wearing an eye patch, but the real life soldier being portrayed had an eye patch. Get over it. Eddie Izzard’s in the movie, too, so watch it for that if for no other reason.

ADAPTATION (2002) —I devour all writer-themed movies and ADAPTATION was no exception, though “bizarre” does not do this one justice.

RED CLIFF (International Version, 2008) —was the best war/samurai/epic film I have probably ever seen. Period.

THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH (1976) —is a movie everyone my generation should see because it was so unique for its time and David Bowie didn’t suck in it, though the film overall wasn’t great—a bit long and low budget—but it was curiously interesting.

MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969) —finally projected itself into my brain and I am so much better for it. What a fantastic performance not only from Dustin Hoffman—who won an Oscar for the role—but in my mind more so by Jon Voight.

ONDINE (2009) —was reviewed here earlier this year. Loved it, loved it. Tender and warm and simple. Watch it with your best girlie by your side.

And, finally, got caught up with the amazing television series THE WALKING DEAD (2010 – 2011). If you like traditional zombies, this is the series for you. The second season got a bit slow, but has been picking up nicely.

OK, that’s it. Everything you wanted to know about Dan’s movie-watching year, and likely far more than you probably wanted to know. I hope and pray 2012 finds everyone better, happier and closer to those you love and cherish. And remember one important event coming, if you must remember anything in 2012: there are less than six months remaining before Ridley Scott’s PROMETHEUS is released! A prequel of sorts to ALIEN (1979) by the man who first introduced such nightmarish creatures into my psyche. Hopefully the Mayans weren’t off by a few months and I’ll get to see this when it comes out on my birthday. And so should you.

So should you.

© Copyright 2011 by Daniel G. Keohane

3 Comments »

NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FLICKS REDISCOVERED IN 2011

Posted in 1970s Movies, 2011, Best Of Lists, Campy Movies, Fun Stuff!, Gangsters!, Grindhouse, Killers, Nick Cato Reviews, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , , , on January 12, 2012 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES Presents:
NICK CATO’S TOP 3 1970S GRINDHOUSE FILMS REDISCOVERED IN 2011
By Nick Cato

3) ANOTHER SON OF SAM (1977).  If you enjoy inept filmmaking, horrendous 70s fashions, plot-holes galore, and a GENUINE grindhouse experience, pay attention: Harvey, who was sexually abused by his mother as a child, escapes a mental institution and goes on a shooting rampage at a park before taking hostages in a college dorm.  A SWAT team and local cops eventually apprehend him.  As a show of total CLASSLESSNESS, this film was released in 1977, BEFORE there was any other fictional film about the Son of Sam, and (I’m assuming) while Berkowitz was still at large.  If you like trashy, pointless films full of unintentional laughs, ANOTHER SON OF SAM is pure gold.  All others, turn and run away as fast as you can.

2) In my never-ending quest to see every obscure low-budget 70s film, I came across (no pun intended) a 1972 sex comedy titled THE GODDAUGHTER, which—among other things—just might be a precursor to the current crop of adult films that parody popular movies (not to mention “Nunsploitation” films).    While nowhere near as entertaining as last summer’s re-discovered 1981 Mafia flick GONE WITH THE POPE, THE GODDAUGHTER is an interesting piece of grindhouse trash for mob film completists with little-to-no conscience (some brief and ugly hardcore scenes guarantee this one will never be shown on Comedy Central).

1) THE GODFATHER AND THE LADY (1975).  The lunatics at Something Weird Video claim this had never been released, all the more amazing as it stars the legendary Jane Russell (who appears in her FINAL film role before doing a couple of TV shows in the 80s), as well as six (count ‘em, SIX) former boxing champions as hit men, including Rocky Graziano, Jake La Motta, and Willie Pep.  It’s a goofy comedy, featuring an opening brawl with sound effects right out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, atrocious acting, and a scam-the-inheritance plot that makes one wonder what episode of Scooby Doo they tried to rip off.  Lots of cornball fun.

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

(All titles are available through Something Weird Video).

Leave A Comment »

REMOTE OUTPOST – 12 FOR 2012

Posted in 2011, Best Of Lists, Ghosts!, Mark Onspaugh Columns, Remote Outpost, Science Fiction, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2012 by knifefighter

REMOTE OUTPOST… 12 FOR 2012
By Mark Onspaugh

Those who haven’t given up on me in disgust will remember I did a Fall preview back in September.  Of the nine genre shows I previewed, I am only continuing to watch three… I guess 33.33% isn’t bad, but I am jonesing for some good science fiction on the order of STAR TREK, STARGATE: UNIVERSE or CAPRICA… I may get my wish on that one in January.

So here is a dozen faves that we all support here in the Remote Outpost:

TOP 3 GENRE SHOWS THAT PREMIERED THIS PAST FALL

PERSON OF INTEREST—the closest you will get to a live-action Batman series.  The cast is amazing, especially the stars Jim Caviezel and Michael Emerson. You’ll never find them, but if your number comes up, they will find you.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY—who gave up on GLEE? We did, just couldn’t take it any more (it’s become like the parody on COMMUNITY).  I didn’t think a horror show by the creators of that singing infestation would work, but it is compelling, scary and thought-provoking.  The season ender was really amazing, and I hope we spend a lot more time in “The Murder House” with the Harmons and their not-so-friendly ghosts.

GRIMM—I lost interest in ONCE UPON A TIME, but GRIMM is like Buffy the Vampire Slayer was—fun.  It may not be as smartly written (not everyone is Joss Whedon), but it is inventive and has its own compelling mythology. And Silas Weir Mitchell as a reformed “blut bad” (“Big Bad Wolf”) is hilarious.

TOP 1 NON-GENRE SHOW THAT PREMIERED THIS FALL

PRIME SUSPECT—I read someone didn’t find Maria Bello convincing as a tough, Irish New York cop—she is.  The men in her department think she slept her way up to detectives.  They’ve learned to respect her toughness and her instincts, but there is still plenty of resentment and conflict.  Good stuff

TOP SITCOM THAT PREMIERED THIS FALL

NEW GIRL—we just couldn’t stomach WHITNEY, but NEW GIRL often makes me laugh out loud. I know a lot of you will find Zooey Deschanel annoying, but the writing for her roommates and her boyfriend (Justin Long) is funny… Not MODERN FAMILY or COMMUNITY funny, but worth a half hour of our time.

TOP PILOT THAT PREVIEWED BEFORE THE SERIES PREMIERE

LUCK—the new series from David Milch, who created and wrote the awesome DEADWOOD and JOHN FROM CINCINNATI. This one is centered around horse racing and stars Dustin Hoffman (you heard me) and Nick Nolte (you heard me).  The show looks to be another Milch masterwork of Shakespearean drama with complex characters in a complicated world.  Yes.

MOST EAGERLY AWAITED PREMIERE

ALCATRAZ—less than a month away for the new JJ Abrams show that is produced by LOST alumni.  Sam Neill is our guide to the prison where, forty years ago, all the inmates disappeared… Now they are returning and wreaking havoc.  I would be tempted to dismiss this as another THE 4400, but Abrams always turns things on their ear.  I want another LOST-type show, don’t you? Yeah, even if you didn’t like the way it ended, you enjoyed the ride.

SHOW WITH THE BIGGEST JAW-DROPPING FINALE

BOARDWALK EMPIRE—this show continues to amaze.  The attention to period detail, the drama of Prohibition leading to organized crime and the heroin trade… It’s superb.  Steve Buscemi and company can’t return fast enough… If you watched the season ender you are, like us, saying “Damn! Now what?”

MOST EAGERLY AWAITED WINTER RETURN

JUSTIFIED—if you aren’t watching this show with Timothy Olyphant as a U.S. Marshall in Kentucky dealing with various outlaws and criminal types, you should be.  I have a feeling the new season is going to deal with the “Dixie Mafia,” and methinks they are not stupid, inbred trailer trash.  Justified presents an honest portrayal of mountain folk, good and bad.  Plus, an amazing cast including Walton Goggins as best frenemy Boyd Crowder. Watch it, ya hear?

TOP SHOWS WE WANT TO RETURN

TRUE BLOOD—Alan Ball’s twisted and amazing version of Charlaine Harris’s “Sookie Stackhouse” novels.  Great characters and tremendous mythology… And no twinkly vampires!

FRINGE—not many of you are watching this, but it fills that void left when THE X-FILES went south.  Compelling and weird, and a hell of a lot of fun.  If you haven’t ever watched, try the first season on DVD.

SONS OF ANARCHY—Hamlet on motorcycles.  Kurt Sutter is another man who brings compelling drama to a world we may not be familiar with, but surely exists.

BONUS BAKER’S DOZEN ENTRY

BREAKING BAD—amazing. One season left to go in the disastrous decline of a chemisty teacher turned meth cook turned criminal mastermind…  Lots of tension in this one, folks.

© Copyright 2011 by Mark Onspaugh

1 Comment »

TOP TEN REMAKES I’M GLAD WEREN’T MADE IN 2011

Posted in 2011, Best Of Lists, Jenny Orosel Columns, Remakes with tags , , , , , , , on January 7, 2012 by knifefighter

TOP TEN REMAKES I’M GLAD WEREN’T MADE IN 2011
By Jenny Orosel

10-BIRTH OF A NATION, directed by Mel Gibson.  As appropriate as that pairing is, that would be wrong on so many levels.

9-GOODBYE UNCLE TOM directed by Steven Spielberg.  He would have to tack on a happy ending.  Sexploitation about slavery in the US shouldn’t have a happy ending.  Just saying.

8-EL TOPO directed by Michael Bay.  Somehow there would be an exploding midget if these two were combined.

Could Michael Bay do justice to a remake of Jodorowsky's 1970 surreal classic, EL TOPO?

7-SALO: 120 DAYS OF SODOM directed by Tim Burton.  Sadism at its worst, but with bright colors and a Danny Elfman soundtrack.  That seems wrong.

6-UROTSUKIDOJI from Pixar.  The only good thing about this would be seeing the merchandising of tentacles in the Disney stores.

5-MY DINNER WITH ANDRE directed by Eli Roth.  Instead of discussing philosophy and life, Wallace and Andre would spend two hours trying to rip the flesh from each others’ faces.

4-FACES OF DEATH directed by Gus Van Sant.  Do we really need a shot-for-shot remake the way he did with PSYCHO?

3-THE WHALES OF AUGUST directed by Alejandro Jodorowsky.  Those who know me would be shocked—Jen opposed to a Jodorowsky movie?  THE WHALES OF AUGUST is a beautiful, sensitive movie starring Vincent Price in the twilight of his life.  Jodorowsky would make the star Marilyn Manson, and somewhere there would be sex with the whales.  But because it was a Jodorowsky flick, I would have to see it.  Then I would be traumatized.

What would happen if Alejandro Jodorowsky remade 1987's THE WHALES OF AUGUST?

2-CAT PEOPLE directed by the guy who makes the Maru videos for YouTube.  You know those videos of a large cat jumping into boxes?  That’s Maru.  Now imagine him in a movie about repressed sexuality.  Yeah, I don’t want to, either.

1-ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST directed by Charlie Sheen.  You know what?  Scratch that—I would totally go see this!

© Copyright 2011 by Jenny Orosel

7 Comments »

Garrett Cook’s SIX BEST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Best Of Lists, Garrett Cook Articles, Nicolas Cage Movies, Superheroes with tags , , , , , on January 7, 2012 by knifefighter

My Top 6  Movies of 2011
By Garrett Cook

6. Drive Angry

As much as I can’t stand excessive CGI or Nicholas Cage, this movie was everything Hobo With a Shotgun claimed to be but fell short of. A pure adrenaline rush.

5. Chillerama

Transgressive fun. Giant sperm. An AIP beach movie gone horribly wrong and Hitler plagued by an insubordinate golem. What’s not to like?

4. Super 8

A little bit Stephen King, a little bit Stephen Spielberg. A surprisingly sincere and sweet movie.

3. Rubber

A movie that makes you root for a psychotic and psychokinetic tire and reexamine how you think of storytelling. An impressive Bizarro feat.

2. The Last Circus

An amazing piece of work. A union of Guillermo del Toro and Todd Browning’s aesthetics, with a dose of Jodorowsky. An eyepopping and moving struggle for love between two clowns in Fascist Spain. It’s streaming on Netflix and you should watch it.

1. Captain America

Finally, a comic movie that is not ashamed of being a comic book. Full of Marvel history and a balance of action and emotional content, which is a difficult one to pull off. Dieselpunk genius. My favorite Marvel movie hands down. Maybe my favorite superhero movie.

© Copyright 2011 by Garrett Cook

Leave A Comment »

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou Unveils THE BEST FILMS OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Best Of Lists, Bill's Bizarre Bijou, William Carl Articles with tags , , , , , on January 5, 2012 by knifefighter

Bill’s Bizarre Bijou Presents

Our Feature Presentation

MY BEST OF 2011

By William D. Carl

2011 was a nice year for movies, and I saw more than my usual share of terrific films.  It was also good year for comic book films, giving us CAPTAIN AMERICA, THOR, and X-MEN:FIRST CLASS, as well as a bounty of bizarre treats.  Below, I’ve listed my top ten films for the year, those I felt achieved something wonderful, creative, and artistic . . .

  1. HUGO—Scorsese made the first movie that demands to be seen in 3-D and a real reason for film fans to rejoice.
  2. WAR HORSE—Spielberg’s best film in years with visuals you may never erase from memory.
  3. MIDNIGHT IN PARIS—Woody Allen’s tribute to the city of lights is a fizzy piece that demands you go to Paris and lose yourself.
  4. TREE OF LIFE—Brilliant, confounding, demanding, and obscure…I know I don’t get it all, but I still adore it.
  5. DRIVE—Ryan Gosling channels Steve McQueen and Albert Brooks is scary as hell.  A brilliant cross between art film and action flick.
  6. MONEYBALL—who knew a baseball movie without any baseball scenes could be so fabulous?  Entertaining with a tight, flavorful script.
  7. RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES—what science fiction should be and rarely is—intelligent, funny, shocking, and even heartfelt.
  8. CRAZY STUPID LOVE—a terrific cast brings a sweet, emotional romantic comedy to life.  Plus, it’s actually romantic!
  9. ARTHUR CHRISTMAS—the only animated film all year to impress me.  Way funnier for adults than for kids, with the best elf vs. lion African footage ever.
  10. BARNEY’S VERSION—beautifully acted film that says more about love and loss than any hundred sappy Nicholas Sparks sob-fests.  Paul Giamatti is fantastic.

Honorable Mentions go to : BRIDESMAIDS, THE LINCOLN LAWYER, BEGINNERS, and THE DESCENDANTS.

*****

This being Bill’s Bizarre Bijou, I also offer up my list of top ten bizarre flicks from the year.  These won’t be to everyone’s tastes, but they’re all more fun than they should be, and I loved them all.  Bizarro Awards go to:

  1. ATTACK THE BLOCK—this is how to make a summer movie.  Big, furry bear-like aliens vs. streets hoods.  Some of the funniest and raunchiest dialogue of the year.
  2. TUCKER AND DALE VS EVIL— Hilarious take on cannibal redneck movies, where the rednecks are the good guys and the clean cut kids are monsters.
  3. THE LAST CIRCUS-Franco’s Spain breeds an emotional war between two circus clowns.  Alternately beautiful and stomach churning, this is a great horror/political film.
  4. THE SKIN I LIVE IN—Almodover’s movie about rape, sex changes, mad scientists, and truly twisted sexual relationships is eye candy for the smart set.  Disturbing.
  5. RARE EXPORTS—Finnish tale of the evil demon Santa Klaus and his minions.  Darkly funny and gorgeously shot.  A real hoot after some spiked eggnog.
  6. MELANCHOLIA— Lars Von Trier takes on sibling rivalry in a shocking movie that plays out like WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE meets the first hour of THE DEERHUNTER. It will haunt you.
  7. CHILLERAMA—the return of the anthology film, which features gay were-bears singing and dancing, a giant sperm cell mating with the Statue of Liberty, and a gibberish-spouting Hitler.  Not for all tastes, but if you’re game…
  8. HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN—brightly colored, garish, violent, and fun, this revenge flick does everything right to recreate the grindhouse feel of those exploitation flicks of the late 70s and early 80s.
  9. AMER—the giallo gets an arthouse makeover with eye-popping colors and awesome music.
  10. RUBBER—a rubber tire discovers it can make people explode if it concentrates hard enough and goes on a killing spree, while a live audience observes it in the wild.  Yes, you read that description right, and the movie really is that twisted.

Overall, a great year with some real standouts and plenty of bizarre bijou fare!  Here’s hoping 2012 is just as good.

© Copyright 2011 by William D. Carl

Leave A Comment »

The Geisha of Gore’s BEST OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Asian Horror, Best Of Lists, Colleen Wanglund Reviews, Geisha of Gore Reviews, Superheroes with tags , , , , , , on January 4, 2012 by knifefighter

The Geisha’s Best of 2011
By Colleen Wanglund, “The Geisha of Gore”

I write about movies, but I don’t see very many new releases each year.  Usually when I go to the movies I see old movies playing in revival houses.  This year alone I’ve seen H.G. Lewis’s THE WIZARD OF GORE (1970), Alejandro Jodorowsky’s EL TOPO (1970) and THE HOLY MOUNTAIN (1973), and Frank Henenlotter’s FRANKENHOOKER (1990) and BASKET CASE (1982), among others, all on the big screen in various theaters around my neck of the woods.  I did manage to see a few new releases, but my list for The Best of 2011 will be a short one.

In no particular order, my favorite movies of 2011 are:

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 (FULL SEQUENCE)—(October 2011) Written and directed by Tom Six and starring Laurence R. Harvey, this flick blew me away.  It was far darker and gorier than the original and had me laughing at some very weird and disgusting moments.  I love torture porn (though not the term) although I generally don’t like sequels.  Let’s just say that like the Grinch, my heart grew three times that day.

I SAW THE DEVIL—(March 2011; DVD/Blu-ray May 2011)  Directed by Jee-woon Kim and starring Byung-hun Lee and Min-sik Choi, I SAW THE DEVIL tells the story of a serial killer and the secret agent who chases after him to get revenge for the death of his fiancé.  This is a brilliantly done psychological twister of a film.

THE LAST CIRCUS—(August 2011) From Spain, this movie was intense and bizarre.  It is about a weird love triangle involving two clowns and an aerialist in a run-down circus set against the last failing years of the Franco regime.  Not for the squeamish, THE LAST CIRCUS keeps up its frenetic pace until the unpredictable and “Holy Crap!” ending.

HELLDRIVER—(world premiere 2010; DVD/Blu-ray December 2011) I got to see the New York premiere at the Japan Society with my daughter in April, and we had a blast.  HELLDRIVER is the kind of horror/comedy that I love.  Full of original zombies and lots of gore, this is a Special Effects feast for the eyes from Yoshihiro Nishimura and Sushi Typhoon.

THOR—(May 2011) I’ve seen some pretty craptastic superhero movies—CAPTAIN AMERICA (1979), JUDGE DREDD (1995), HULK (2003), and DAREDEVIL (2003)—but I really liked THOR.  Starring Australian hottie Chris Hemsworth and directed by the Shakespeare-obsessed Kenneth Branagh, THOR turned out to be a really good comic book movie.  The origin story was handled well and there was a lot of action.  It didn’t try to do too much, which some other comic book movies have done in the past.  It kept things simple but entertaining.

Honorable Mention goes to THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1 (November 2011)….just kidding!  I couldn’t resist.  Hell, it’s not even really a horror movie.

© Copyright 2011 by Colleen Wanglund


Leave A Comment »

Cinema Knife Fight Presents: THE WORST MOVIES OF 2011

Posted in 2011, Cinema Knife Fights, Ghosts!, LL Soares Reviews, Michael Arruda Reviews, Vampires, Werewolves, Worst-Of lists with tags , , , , , , on January 3, 2012 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT:  WORST OF 2011
By MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES

(THE SCENE:  A majestic movie theater, filled with well-dressed guests.  MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES sit on the stage in front of the movie screen.)

MICHAEL ARRUDA:  Welcome back to the second half of our end of the year column.  Last time out, L.L. and I gave you our picks for the TOP 5 BEST FILMS of 2011.  Now it’s time for us to unleash our picks for the WORST 5 MOVIES OF 2011.

L.L. SOARES:  For the BEST OF column, our audience was filled with personalities from the movies we saw, all hoping for a chance to be selected as one of the year’s best.  Let’s see how many brave souls have stuck with us now that we’re uncovering the stinkers of the year.

(Camera pans over audience, which is still filled to capacity, and includes superheroes, apes, aliens, vampires, cowboys, assassins, and Daniel Craig, busy having a 3-way conversation with a Goth girl with a tattoo, some cowboys and aliens, and some ghosts.)

LS:  Still packed?  These guys are braver than I thought.

MA:  I think that giant cannon you have aimed at the exit has something to do with it.

LS:  You think?

MA:  Let’s get this party started.  You went first last time, so I’ll go first this time.  Again, tonight we’re looking at our picks for the TOP 5 WORST MOVIES OF 2011.  My pick for Number 5 is—(reaches into his jacket and begins to pull out an envelope.  An arrow flies by his head, piercing the screen behind him.  MA  puts the envelope back into his jacket.)

DYLAN DOG:  DEAD OF NIGHT.  This was one weird movie, an attempt to bring horror and comedy together that just didn’t work.  Based on an Italian comic book, this bizarre tale of a private detective, played by Brandon Routh, who makes it his business to keep the peace among the city’s warring population of vampires and werewolves, wasn’t funny enough to be a successful comedy, not quirky enough to be campy, and it wasn’t scary at all.  Plus it told a far-fetched story that was hard to swallow.

I also hated the title, as it makes the movie sound like a kid’s cartoon.  Coming up next:  DYLAN DOG AND SCOOBY DOO MEET THE SPACE GHOST!  Gag!

Granted, I didn’t hate this movie, but it was so mediocre, mild, and underwhelming, there’s no way I could keep it off this list.

LS:  Well, I can’t chime in here, because I didn’t see this one. Although I did hear it was pretty bad. Thanks for confirming that – so I don’t have to see it.

My Number 5 pick for Worst Movie of 2011 is PRIEST. I had to sit through the trailer like 14 times (I think the movie’s release date was delayed a few times). The trailer showed us the entire story. So, by the time I saw the movie, I already felt like I’d seen it 15 times already!  And every single time —it sucked. In a future where the Vatican has taken over the world, vampires are the big threat that church-trained assassins have to take down. Based on an anime. Sponsored by Ambien. I can’t tell you how excruciating this was to sit through. Easily one of the most boring movies of 2011. I just didn’t care about any of the characters at all.

MA:  I’m with you.  In fact, I think I disliked PRIEST  more than you did, since it’s a little closer to Stinker Number 1 on my list.  So, I’ll comment more on this one in a bit.

LS:  My Number 4 pick is THE ROOMMATE. Take Barbette Schroeder’s SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, cast it with younger girls and have it take place on a college campus—oh yeah, and make it as dumb as possible—stir briskly, and you have this awful, cliché attempt at a horror movie, starring TV actresses Leighton Meester from GOSSIP GIRL and Minka Kelly from the short-lived CHARLIE’S ANGELS reboot. I heard that director Christian E. Christiansen was deported back to Denmark after he made this one. (just kidding). But man, it was awful.

MA:  This one didn’t bug me as much as it bugged you.  I remember it being more mediocre than awful.  I also remember liking the acting in this one, especially the two leads, Meester and Kelly.  While you hated THE ROOMMATE, I just found it VERY average.

It narrowly missed the cut for my TOP 10 Worst Movies of 2011.

My pick for Number 4 is DREAM HOUSE starring Daniel Craig.  Craig has had a notable year.  We saw him in three movies this year, and all of them made our lists.  COWBOYS AND ALIENS made my Top 5 Best Movies List, and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO made your Top 5 Best Movies List.  But with DREAM HOUSE, he hits rock bottom.  To be fair, Craig is fine in this movie, so it’s not him.  It’s everything else.

LS: Yeah, right.

MA: Of course, the most notorious thing about DREAM HOUSE was its trailer, which gave away a major plot twist!  This twist takes place about half-way through the movie, and since I knew about it beforehand, the first half of this movie was a complete waste of time.  Nice going guys!  Way to go!  Give away the film’s major plot twist before the audience sees the movie!

But even without this spoiler, the film is pretty lame.   Craig plays a writer who quits his position at a publishing house to write a novel and in so doing spend more time with his family.  Of course, family time becomes spooky time as they seem to be visited by ghosts, but there’s a twist (which those of us who saw the trailer already knew), and what Craig learns horrifies him and changes the plot’s direction, as he seeks out not a ghost but a murderer who’s very much alive.

DREAM HOUSE is supposed to be a haunted house/ghost story, but the ghostly elements are all peripheral at best.  It eventually becomes more of a psychological thriller, but it fails here too because it’s not very thrilling.  David Loucka’s weak screenplay is eventually done in by an even more ridiculous and extremely convoluted ending.

DREAM HOUSE is a complete fail.  I didn’t like it at all.

LS:  Well, I have to agree with you there, except I hated it even more than you did. DREAM HOUSE was Number 2 on my list. So I’ll get to it later.

MA:  Number  3 on my list for Worst Movies of 2011 is the awful thriller PRIEST, which you already talked about, since it was Number  5 on your list.

I can sum up what’s wrong with this one just by reviewing its plot.  PRIEST takes place in an alternate world where vampires and humans have battled for centuries, but the humans have finally won the battle because they have a secret weapon: warrior priests.   Nuff said.  Actually, the story goes on as the vampires kidnap the niece of the most famous priest warrior, and he of course must rescue her.  Blah, blah, blah.

PRIEST has a horrible story, unexciting visuals, no character development, and the icing on the cake?  It was in 3D.

PRIEST was one of the more forgettable movies of the year.  In fact, I’ve already forgotten about it.  You should too.

LS:   Dammit, I forgot that PRIEST was in 3D, so we had to even pay extra money to be bored to death!! Yeah, this one smelled so bad the projectionist had to wear a gas mask.

My Number 3 pick is a movie I was excited to see beforehand. And it was a complete letdown. I’m talking about PAUL. I was actually looking forward to this one. It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the stars of such great indie comedies as SHAUN OF THE DEAD and HOT FUZZ. Unfortunately Pegg’s co-writer and director on those movies, Edgar Wright, has nothing to do with PAUL. Maybe that’s why it’s so damn awful. This time around, the director is Greg Mottola (who actually directed SUPERBAD and ADVENTURELAND, so he’s not that bad!), and this one is a big mis-step for everyone involved. Pegg and Frost play two sci-fi nerds who pick up an escaped alien in their RV in the middle of the desert. The creature, named Paul, has the voice of Seth Rogan and looks like your typical gray, big-headed Roswell extraterrestrial. In theory, this sounds pretty good, but the movie itself has almost zero laughs, except for Kristen Wiig as a fundamentalist’s daughter who has a hard time accepting that there’s other intelligent life in the universe. But otherwise, you can hear the crickets. Some movies just should never have been made.

MA:  I didn’t see PAUL.  I forget the reason I wasn’t available to review it that weekend, but after reading your negative review, I decided to skip it altogether, or at least save it for a rental.

LS:  My Number 2 pick is a movie you’ve already talked about – DREAM HOUSE. Daniel Craig lives in a house with the ghosts of his wife and daughters. Daniel Craig finds out that he used to be in a sanitarium, but he doesn’t remember it. Daniel Craig finds out everyone thinks that he killed his family. Daniel Craig solves the mystery. Meanwhile—I struggle not to nod off. This movie had a lot of twists and turns, but in the end it all amounted to a big pile of stupid. Easily the worst movie Daniel Craig has made so far.

MA:  I can’t argue with you there.

My pick for the Second Worst Film of 2011, A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS.

As much as I’ve really enjoyed the recent slate of raunchy Rated R comedies to hit the big screen in the past few years, I didn’t like this one.  I have no problem with raunchiness as long as it’s funny, and that was the major problem I had with this movie:  it wasn’t funny.  The gags were vulgar and raunchy, but they weren’t making me laugh, and I guess the point I’m making is it wasn’t because they were vulgar and raunchy; it was because the comedy just wasn’t sharp.

I know they were going for the Cheech and Chong-style humor here, but there were far too many drug references.  Again, it’s not the fact that it was a drug reference.  It was that it wasn’t funny.  They did the same thing with male genitalia.  Every joke either ended as a drug reference or a male genitalia reference.  Can’t make this joke work?  Hmm.  Let’s just end it with a line about getting high, or have someone say something like “Hey, is that your dick?”  Lowest common denominator, bottom of the barrel writing.

And it was in 3D no less.  Ugh!  A VERY HAROLD AND KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS makes coal in a stocking look pretty good!

LS:  I liked the very first HAROLD AND KUMAR movie. I didn’t see the second one. And I’m sorry I saw this one. I actually like the characters, but you’re right, this one was not funny. I think I laughed twice. And the preachy “these stoners need to grow up and be responsible adults” storyline just bored the hell out of me. I don’t see a HAROLD AND KUMAR movie to see responsible adults. I see it because I want to laugh. But their 3D CHRISTMAS movie didn’t make me laugh enough.

Well, on to my Number 1 pick. And it is THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 1.  I know this is an obvious choice—but it really was the worst movie I saw in 2011. With no real plot (except Bella gets married, Bella gets pregnant, Bella has a baby) to speak of. Boring doesn’t begin to describe this one. And it’s so bad they had to cut it into two parts, so we’re not even done with the TWILIGHT series yet. NOOOOOOO! I was just surprised it wasn’t in 3D.

MA:  My pick for the WORST MOVIE of 2011?  No surprise, it’s also THE TWILIGHT  SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1.

If I could just shriek right now, that would just about cover my feelings, both towards this movie and the entire series.  And as you said, it’s not done yet!  We have one more of these turkeys due out in 2012!  Someone stop the madness! 

I haven’t liked any of the TWILIGHT movies, but I may have hated this one most of all.  First off, what an awful title! It takes longer to say the title than to summarize its plot!  Moody girl marries bland vampire, pregnancy troubles follow.  There you go folks. Let’s move on to Part 2 and hope we can add the tag line, “and everybody dies.”  That would be a satisfactory ending.

LS: The ONLY satisfactory ending. Except, since most of the characters are vampires, dying wouldn’t get rid of them.

MA: THE TWILIGHT  SAGA– BREAKING DAWN- PART 1 was yet another awful entry in probably the most boring movie series I’ve ever watched in my life.  The first third of this movie is simply a wedding.  Then it moves on to Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon—can you stand all this excitement? —and then it finishes with Bella’s life being in danger due to complications arising from her supernatural pregnancy.

There are too many things wrong with this movie (and this series) to talk about here, but I’ll just summarize them all by saying none of the other movies on my list today even come close to the dread inspired by this horrid waste of film.  I know these movies appeal to a very specific niche, and that’s fine, but would it be too much to ask to offer  something— some spark of creativity, humor, horror, anything!— to make it palatable to those of us outside this niche?  Because as these movies stand now, they offer nothing to the general audience of moviegoers, other than an-after viewing headache due to overwhelming boredom.

I’d rather sit through Breaking Wind than BREAKING DAWN.

LS:  Well, at least we agreed on the Worst Movie of 2011. You know there are a lot of bad movies in a year when SCREAM 4 comes out, and it doesn’t make my Top 5 of the worst movies.

MA:  How true that is!  I really thought I’d see SCREAM 4 on your Top 5 list.  It was Number 7 on my list.

LS: It was Number 6 on mine.

MA: Well, that wraps up another year of movies here at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT.  With the exception of the movies we discussed today, I’d say that, all in all, 2011 was a very good year for movies.

LS:  Well, as usual, I had a Top 10 of Worst films, rather than a Top 5. So there were a lot more bad movies than just these. But I’ll list the rest of mine in a separate column .

MA:  Yeah, I had more than five on my WORST list too, but I also had a whole bunch of movies that I really liked, close to 20, on my BEST OF list.  That’s more than usual for me, which is why I said it was a good year for movies.

MA: Thanks everybody for joining us.  We’ll see you in 2012!

(The cannon explodes, blowing a huge hole through the exit doors.)

MA (to LS):  What did you do that for?

LS:  I just wanted to get the New Year started with a bang!

MA:  Okie-dokie.  Well, folks, there you have it.  Another explosive ending to a CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT column.

(Everyone in the room runs screaming through the hole to get away)

—END—

© Copyright 2011 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

1 Comment »

« Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 89 other followers