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LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)

Posted in 2008, Art Movies, Foreign Films, LL Soares Reviews, Vampire Movies with tags , , , , , , on October 5, 2010 by knifefighter

Note: Since Michael and I reviewed the new movie LET ME IN yesterday for Cinema Knife Fight, I figured it might be a good time to post my review of the original film from November 2008, when LET THE RIGHT ONE IN was in limited release in theaters in the U.S. Looking back at my comments about the older film, it’s interesting just how close the two films really are, except for a few name changes. ~LLS

REVIEW: LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)
by L. L. Soares

This past Friday, as the first big snowstorm of the winter howled outside, I was inside a small, warm art-house theater, watching a movie where the snow was just as prevalent. The movie was LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. It is in limited release, but if there’s a chance it’s playing near you, do yourself a favor and go see it.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is the story of Oskar (Kare Hedebrant) a pale, skinny kid who doesn’t seem to have any friends and who is regularly picked on by bullies at school. Oskar feels pretty isolated in the world, especially since his parents split up. He spends his time between living in a housing project with his mom, and visits to his dad’s house (which seems to be in the middle of nowhere). Everywhere, there is snow. While playing outside (well, actually, stabbing a tree and pretending it’s one of his bullies), Oskar comes across a new neighbor, Eli (Lina Leandersson). She’s about his age and he saw her and her father Hakan (Per Ragnar) arrive in the middle of the night. These new people are strange. The father immediately taped cardboard across the windows, to keep the sun out, and they only come out at night. Oskar is willing to overlook all this, though, for the sake of finally having a friend.

In Eli, Oskar sees someone finally willing to give him a chance to be himself. She sees the same in him. Hakan has some weird hobbies, including tying people up and cutting their throats to fill up a big plastic container with their blood. At first, it appears that he might be a vampire, but he’s way too inept for that. More than once he almost gets caught, and when he finally does get discovered, he burns his face with acid (a pretty horrific effect). But it soon becomes clear that he isn’t Eli’s father at all. In fact, their relationship is a disturbing one. He goes out and gets blood for her, and clearly there is a reason why he is so loyal to her, but we’re never told what, which keeps things extra creepy (but you can guess).

When Hakan is taken from her (actually, she drinks his blood and tosses him out a window when he’s no longer of use to her), she seeks someone new to help her and protect her secret, and that person might just be Oskar. In the meantime, she has to feed herself, which means attacking adults in the dark. This is risky, and a few times she almost gets captured. It isn’t easy being a vampire in a child’s body. It’s never clear how old Eli is. She lives as a 12-year old girl, but she is clearly much older than that (it’s hinted that she may be as old as 100). In certain scenes, her face momentarily changes to that of an old woman (an old man?), before it returns to the knowing child’s face again. There is even a question about whether Eli is in fact a girl at all. She is clearly played by a female actress. But the character tells Oskar several times that she “is not a girl.” Does she simply mean that her appearance is deceiving, and she is really an old woman despite looking like a young girl? Or is something more disturbing afoot? A startling scene toward the end, when Oskar peeks at Eli changing her clothes, adds more fuel to the mystery.

There are several other interesting scenes, including one of Eli’s victims who survives and begins to turn into a vampire herself. And another scene where Eli tells Oskar he has to invite her in to his house in order for her to cross the threshold. When he laughs at her and demands she enter without his invitation (“What could possibly happen?”), she learns the hard way that it’s probably a good idea to play by the rules.

Director Tomas Alfredson and screenwriter John Ajvide Lindqvist (who adapted his own novel) give us a small, dark film that somehow seems much larger than it really is. For the most part, the movie is rather subtle, but there are some jarring violent/gory scenes as well. Almost every relationship Eli has is strange, which is understandable considering she is a vampire. However, this movie makes vampires disturbing in ways Hollywood films rarely do. Her scenes with Oskar are very human, but then we’ll be treated to startling sequences where she rapidly climbs up the side of a building, or leaps from a bridge onto a passing victim (and Eli is ravenous for blood: she doesn’t just suck it; she gorges herself on it. Her mouth is a red mess in the scenes where she feeds), and it is clear that this is not your typical art-house film at all.

Eli convinces Oskar to finally stand up to his bullies, and when he does (hitting the lead bully – a twerp named Conny – across the ear with a stick), it actually ratchets up the violence, as Conny turns to his delinquent (possibly psychotic) older brother to exact his revenge. But Oskar is no longer alone in the world.

The ending is very powerful. Just how far will Oskar go to guard their secret and protect Eli from the world? And how far will Eli go to protect Oskar in turn? These are the questions posed by what is easily one of the best films I’ve seen all year, and the best vampire film I’ve seen in ages. If it’s not playing near you, definitely seek it out when it’s released on DVD. Simply an excellent film. (in Swedish with English subtitles)

© Copyright 2008 by L.L. Soares

In the Swedish film LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, lonely 12-year-old Oskar befriends a girl named Eli, who just happens to be a vampire.

 

 

 


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BAGHEAD

Posted in 2008, LL Soares Reviews, Indie Horror with tags , , , on May 19, 2010 by knifefighter

DVD REVIEW – BAGHEAD (2008)
by L. L. Soares

Over the last decade, the whole “mumblecore” scene has emerged in cinema. For those not familiar with it, “mumblecore” is the word coined for a new film movement made up of mostly 20-something actors and directors. The films are made on a low budget, feature unknown and/or amateur actors, and feature lots of improvisation and hand-held cameras. Mostly dealing with relationships, the movies have titles like FUNNY HA HA (2002) and THE PUFFY CHAIR (2005). Since the movement has continued to grow since its inception, it was only a matter of time before these films branched out into other genres, if just tangentially.

Directed by brothers Mark and Jay Duplass, BAGHEAD (2008) is the first mumblecore horror movie, for lack of a better term. It features four slacker/creative types who all want to be part of the movie process, but whose careers are stalled. When they go to the screening of a friend’s film (and realize, “This sucks! I can do better!”) the foursome decides to go out to a cabin in the woods to write and film their own movie. Almost like the way the Little Rascals used to announce they were going to “Put on a show!” in the days of Hal Roach comedies.

The four actors (Ross Partridge, Steve Zissis, Greta Gerwig and Elise Muller) really just want to get into each other’s pants, but making a movie while they’re doing it sounds like fun, too. At first, they talk about making a romantic comedy, but eventually settle on the idea of a horror movie about a killer in the woods who wears a bag over his head (which sounds like the Unknown Comic from the old Gong Show from the 1970s). As they go about trying to maneuver themselves into each other’s bed, and playing pranks on each other using the bag-over-the-head thing for scares, they suddenly realize there’s someone else hanging around the house, wearing a bag over his head, who isn’t one of them. And suddenly things aren’t so funny anymore.

When they come to the realization that they’re actually in danger, things get more suspenseful. But the resolution is not going to please everyone. Considering that this is a mumblecore movie first, and a horror movie second, I actually found myself enjoying it. The actors were good, especially up and comer Greta Gerwig (who we also  discussed in Monday’s review of THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL). It definitely kept me watching, especially when the “real” Baghead shows up.

I can’t say it’s a great movie, but I dug it for what it was. If you like low-budget indie films, you might want to check it out. But don’t go into it with high expectations. This is not THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE by any means!

© Copyright 2010 by  L.L. Soares

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In the Spooklight: THE DARK KNIGHT

Posted in 2008, Comic Book Movies, In the Spooklight, Michael Arruda Reviews with tags , , , , on May 7, 2010 by knifefighter

(Back in 2000, I began writing a horror movie review column for the HORROR WRITERS ASSOCIATION (HWA) Internet Mailer called “In the Spooklight.”  The column eventually moved to the HORROR WRITERS ASSOCIATION NEWSLETTER, where it continues today.  Each month I review a different horror movie, and I’ve written about movies from the silent era in the 1920s all the way up to the 2000s.  It’s been a real hoot, and soon I’ll be closing in on my 100th column!

We will be running a different “In the Spooklight” column on this site each Friday.  This week, since L.L. and I are writing a Cinema Knife Fight on IRON MAN 2 this weekend, I’ve decided to kick off the Spooklights with my 2008 column on THE DARK KNIGHT.  This one first appeared in the HWA NEWSLETTER in October 2008.  Enjoy!

—Michael Arruda)

IN THE SPOOKLIGHT: THE DARK KNIGHT (2008)
by Michael Arruda

I know.

THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) was a summer release.  And here it is, October, the month   for horror writers, and I’m reviewing— a superhero movie?  What’s going on here?  Simple.   Hands down, THE DARK KNIGHT kept me on the edge of my seat more often than any of the other new “horror” movies I’ve seen this year, with the one exception being J.J. Abrams’s CLOVERFIELD (2008).

THE DARK KNIGHT is of course the latest Batman movie, and I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here by saying that it’s also the best.  By far.  It’s arguably the best “superhero” movie ever made.  Some are calling it the best film of the year.  I don’t know about that, but I did have sweaty palms throughout.

The thrills begin in the very first frame with a chilling bank heist sequence that

introduces us to Heath Ledger’s the Joker.  It’s fast and it’s furious, with a pulsating intensity Al Pacino would be proud of.

From here, it just doesn’t let up.  It’s jam-packed throughout with action, suspense, and chaos.  Lots of chaos, thanks to the Joker, a maniac of a villain who is so unpredictable your head will spin.

The story of THE DARK KNIGHT, in spite of being a Batman movie, is really about three other characters.  There’s Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) the district attorney who’s out to win the war on crime.  Dent, as Batman aficionados know, eventually becomes the villain Two-Face.

There’s Detective-Lieutenant Gordon (Gary Oldman, reprising his role from BATMAN BEGINS and delivering another terrific performance) destined to become Commissioner Gordon, who in his fight against crime finds that the only man he can truly trust is the mysterious Batman.

And of course, there’s the terribly deranged Joker (Heath Ledger) who is about as frightening a character as you can get in a movie.  Most of the buzz around THE DARK KNIGHT surrounded Ledger, both for his performance and his tragic untimely death.  In regards to his performance, the buzz was deserved.  It’s a phenomenal performance you’re not likely to forget.

But, what about Batman?  Who?  Just kidding.  Seriously, Christian Bale makes a solid caped crusader.  He was very good in the role in BATMAN BEGINS (2005), and he’s very good here, but as good as he is, Eckhart, Oldman, and Ledger are better, and they are the ones who drive this movie along.

The movie sports a terrific cast.  When you can have both Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman in supporting roles, you’re in pretty good shape even before the credits role.

Director Christopher Nolan has followed up his BATMAN BEGINS with an even better movie, and this one transcends the genre.  Sure, the movie has some impressive action sequences, but THE DARK KNIGHT is much more than an action movie.  To that end, the screenplay by Christopher Nolan and Jonathan Nolan is topnotch.  With its rich characters and edge-of-your-seat plot, it possesses a depth usually reserved for books.

Nolan deserves credit for taking a comic book tale and crafting it into a serious movie.

What sets THE DARK KNIGHT apart from other superhero movies is that it doesn’t play like one.  Sure, there’s action, and there’s good guys and bad guys, but at any given time it’s difficult to tell who the good guys and bad guys are.    And the chills are much, much darker than the traditional superhero movie.  The Joker is Hannibal Lecter scary.

THE DARK KNIGHT is a relentless movie that doesn’t quit.  You’ll be hard pressed not to feel uncomfortable when watching this movie.

And Heath Ledger’s Joker?  He’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

—END—

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda

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BEST MOVIES OF 2008

Posted in 2008, Best Of Lists, Cinema Knife Fights, Special Columns with tags , , , , , , , on January 16, 2010 by knifefighter

(NOTE: Right now, Michael and I are working on our review of THE BOOK OF ELI. In the meantime, since people love lists, I thought I’d go back in time a little and post this “Best Of” column we did for 2008.  I’d meant to post it last night. And the BOOK OF ELI review goes up Monday morning. Have a good weekend! ~ LLS)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE BEST OF 2008
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

(THE SCENE: Orchestral music swells as MICHAEL ARRUDA and LL SOARES are dressed in tuxedos and seated inside a mad scientist’s laboratory, complete with bubbling test tubes, colorful beakers, flashing lights, and electronic sounds. They each hold a glass of champagne and a “Happy New Year” banner hangs behind them)

MA (lifting glass):  Happy New Year, everyone!

LS:  Yes, Happy New Year!

MA:  Welcome to a special edition of Cinema Knife Fight, where LL and I each choose our top 5 horror releases for 2008. The rules to this thing are simple. We reviewed a bunch of movies this year, and LL and I each had to come up with our top 5 favorites of the year. We’ll give you our 5, and of course, we’ll, eh hem, “comment” on each other’s selections. By luck of the draw, I go first, so, weighing in at #5 is—.

LS (interrupting):  Don’t forget the hardware, you goober.

MA:  Oh yes. As you can see, we’re here in the laboratory of one of our mad scientist friends, and he’s been generous enough to donate for our use today a time/place machine/device that we can use to travel to various locations to give you our top 5 picks in the settings which they so horrendously deserve. (He removes a small device from his pocket the size of a flash drive). Here we go!

Weighing in at #5, my pick for the 5th best horror theatrical release of 2008-  (MA presses a button on the time/place remote, and suddenly MA and LS find themselves on a dance floor at a high school prom) – PROM NIGHT!

(to LS):  Do you mind if I lead?

LS (moves to strike MA):  Get out of here!

(They retreat from the dance floor to a punch bowl area underneath disco lights, with Bee Gees music playing in background)

MA (to LS):  Now, I know you hated PROM NIGHT, but let me tell you why it’s one of my favorite horror films of the year. First of all, I went into the theater with zero expectations, other than I expected to hate PROM NIGHT, but I was surprised by a production that took itself very seriously. It’s a remake of a 1980s slasher flick with Jamie Lee Curtis, and it tells a rather unimaginative story about an obsessed teacher out to abduct/kill a high school student on the night of her prom. It had every reason to be awful, but it wasn’t.

Director Nelson McCormick shot the movie with clear professionalism, crafting scenes that looked good, and getting top performances from his actors. This was a movie that did not come across as cheap or poorly executed. I enjoyed the performances of all the young leads, especially Brittany Snow in the lead role. My favorite performance though, and in fact my favorite part of the whole movie, was Idris Elba as police detective Winn. He delivered an impassioned performance that was by far the best part of this movie.

PROM NIGHT was not an A+ horror film by any means, and actually played more like a crime drama than a horror flick, but it was well-acted and directed, and for me, provided solid entertainment and a few suspenseful thrills to boot.

LS: I would comment on this film, but I hated just about every detail of it: from acting to directing to the script. This movie wouldn’t even make my top 30 films of 2008, and I saw exactly 29 films in movie theaters last year.

(LS takes the device from MA and presses the button, taking them atop an Aztec pyramid in the middle of a jungle)

My number 5 choice for 2008 was THE RUINS. I was surprised how effective this movie was, despite its simplicity. The plot involves a group of young tourists (including Jena Malone and Laura Ramsey) who find themselves trapped on an ancient pyramid in Aztec country by some homicidal natives. Of course, the locals are the least of the kids’ troubles. The real menace is a form of sentient plant life that burrows under your skin and devours you whole. The best scene in this movie for me was when one of the kids drops down into a pit to find a missing cell phone. At the moment when we realize that the ringing is not a phone at all, but a flower imitating the sound, a chill runs down your spine. Just a really enjoyable horror flick.

Of course, while my review of THE RUINS was under the Cinema Knife Fight banner, it was one of the films I reviewed alone. I don’t know if you have any comments for it, unless you happened to catch it on DVD.

MA:  As a matter of fact, I did catch it on DVD, since I had read your review, and you had really liked it. While I enjoyed THE RUINS, it didn’t make my top 5 list. It was certainly creative and scary, but I found it too much of a downer to be thoroughly enjoyed.

(LS presses the button on the time device again, taking them outside a house in the 1960s. Screams are coming from a basement window)

LS : My number four film of 2008 was a tie between two films that didn’t get theatrical releases, except maybe on the festival circuit, and they’re both based on Jack Ketchum novels. THE GIRL NEXT DOOR and RED. These two low-budget adaptations made their source material proud with good acting, solid scripts, and focused direction. GIRL NEXT DOOR might edge RED out slightly for me, but both films have a lot to recommend them. They both also deserved a proper theatrical release.

GIRL NEXT DOOR is the tale of Meg (Blythe Auffarth), a girl who (along with her younger sister) is put in the care of psychotic woman named Ruth Chandler (Blanche Baker) when their parents can’t care for them. Ruth proceeds to put the girls through hell on earth, especially Meg, who she ties up in her cellar and lets her kids (and the entire neighborhood) torture mercilessly. Based on a true story, THE GIRL NEXT DOOR is both well done and hard to watch at the same time.

RED is the tale of Avery Ludlow, a man whose old dog is killed by a group of vicious kids in rural Maine. When he tries to get justice for the meaningless death of his best friend, it’s a long road to satisfaction; one that ratchets the violence up more and more as it goes on. Brian Cox is especially terrific as Avery.

At one time Ketchum’s work might have been considered unfilmable (especially THE GIRL NEXT DOOR)  but this has since been proven wrong. Between these two films and THE LOST, films based on Jack Ketchum’s novels so far have been above-average and powerful. Let’s hope that Mr. K continues to have such good luck with movie versions of his books.

MA:  I didn’t see RED, and while I liked THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, I didn’t include it on my list since it wasn’t a theatrical release. I will say that what I liked most about THE GIRL NEXT DOOR was that it took a deplorable topic and presented it in an honest authentic way. This was a film that could have been exploitative, but it’s not. It succeeds in what it sets out to do, which is to disturb, but for the right reasons. THE GIRL NEXT DOOR is not a pornographic horror film- it’s a sad, adult drama.

May I have the time machine device please? (LS hands MA the device). Thanks. Okay, time for my #4. (presses buttons on miniature time machine gizmo and receives an electric shock.)  (screams in pain).

LS (laughing):  I couldn’t help myself. Here’s the real one.

MA:  I should have seen that one coming.

(MA presses buttons, and he and LS find themselves in a dark alleyway in front of dumpster with sticker that reads “Please do not dump human remains here.”)

LS:  I remember this place.

MA:  Yep, we were just here recently. My pick for the 4th best movie of 2008 is PUNISHER WAR ZONE. This is yet another movie that I had zero expectations for. In fact, I expected to hate it. Even though I like action movies, I figured this one would be all gore and no substance. I was pleasantly mistaken.

The film was gory, incredibly so, with heads sliced off and human organs eaten by a crazy baddie in the movie, but this tale of unstoppable vigilante Frank Castle (played with unremitting tenacity by Ray Stevenson) hell-bent on killing any and all gangsters in his way, was made even better by director Lexi Alexander who filmed some extremely slick action sequences, and by screenwriters Nick Santora, Art Marcum, and Matt Holloway, who pulled off a neat trick by mixing both realistic and comic book characters with believable results.

PUNISHER WAR ZONE is an adult, R-rated action/horror film in every sense of the words, and with a dash of intelligence sprinkled in, it’s one of the best of the year.

LS: PUNISHER WAR ZONE was actually number 3 on my list, so I liked it a bit more than you did. While our fearless leader disagreed with our glowing review of this film, it remains one of my favorite viewing experiences in 2008. I don’t know how “believable” it was, but with its over-the-top violence and unrelenting pace, PWZ was a live-action cartoon for adults, that never lets up. And, as a long-time fan of the character, it was nice to finally see a movie version that didn’t try to soft-pedal Frank Castle and make him some kind of mainstream superhero type. The Punisher is not a superhero. This isn’t IRON MAN. It worked hard to earn its R rating, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

MA:  My pick for #3 is HELLBOY II:  THE GOLDEN ARMY. The reason this movie scored so high on my list was the character of Hellboy (played by Ron Perlman). I love this guy, and the way Perlman plays him. I wish he had his own TV series. (presses button on remote, and MA and LS are suddenly inside Hellboy’s room, which is full of TV sets playing various classic horror movies and empty cans of Tecate beer). We are inside Hellboy’s room at the Bureau for Paranormal Research, and as you can see by the surroundings, he’s a cool guy.

In HELLBOY II:  THE GOLDEN ARMY, crime fighters Hellboy (Ron Perlman), Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) and Hellboy’s pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz (Selma Blair) take on an underworld prince name Nuada (Luke Goss) who sees it as his destiny to awaken a golden army and conquer the human race. Most of the action in this movie takes place in this underground kingdom.

HELLBOY II is high fantasy, and as directed by Guillermo del Toro, it’s OK, but what lifts this film to #3 status is Hellboy, Hellboy, Hellboy. He’s the reason to see this film, and he’s the reason this film works so well. When he’s on screen, the movie is a hoot, and when he’s not, it’s average.

I think there’s still a Hellboy classic waiting to be made. HELLBOY II:  THE GOLDEN ARMY isn’t it, but the character as played by Ron Perlman is a star, and he carries this film all the way.

LS: I liked HELLBOY 2 a lot, but not enough for it to make my Top 5. It would make the Number 9 spot on my Top 10, though. And I agree that Ron Perlman was terrific as the lead character. I also love director Guillermo del Toro’s visual style and terrific imagination.

Well since PUNISHER WAR ZONE was my Number 3 pick, I’ll go on to my Number 2 film of 2008, which happens to be another movie I reviewed alone for Fear Zone. This time, it’s Dario Argento’s film MOTHER OF TEARS.

(He takes device from MA and pushes the button, setting off a cartoon explosion and a cloud of dust. When the dust clears, there’s a hole in the floor where LS had been standing).

MA:  Payback time.

(LS climbs out of hole and brushes himself off. He looks into hole and waves.)

MA:  Know someone down there?

LS:  I have friends in low places. Now, where was I?

MA:  MOTHER OF TEARS.

LS:  Oh yeah. (presses button on the device and they find themselves in a cavernous room where a crowd of witches are shouting)

LS (yells to be heard over the crowd): MOTHER OF TEARS is a movie that has caused much heated discussion in the horror community. I haven’t had to defend a movie this much since the original HOSTEL came out. A lot of Argento’s fans were disappointed with this one. After a 28-year wait for him to finally conclude his “Three Mothers” trilogy, a lot of people were waiting for something as intense and powerful as the classic SUSPIRIA. But MOTHER OF TEARS is the exact opposite. It’s wild, campy fun, and at times almost plays more like a comedy than a horror movie. It’s Dario at his most playful, and while the film does have its shortcomings, it actually rises above its flaws in pure entertainment value. And it doesn’t skimp on the gore.

MOTHER is the tale of Sarah Mandy (Asia Argento), a woman who finds out she is the last line of defense when Mater Lachrymarum (Moran Atias), the demonic Mother of Tears, is released upon the world.

This is easily the most fun at the movies I’ve had all year, and I left the theater with a goofy grin on my face. While it was different from the classic Argento films we’d grown up on, it was still better than most of his films of the last decade. I continue to stand by this one.

MA:  I didn’t see MOTHER OF TEARS, so I can’t comment on it. I did like SUSPIRIA though.

Would you mind handing me the time machine remote?  Thanks. (inspects device closely). Okay, my pick for #2, is QUARANTINE. We’re supposed to travel to a darkened apartment building. Maybe we could just stay here.

LS:  Press the button, you wimp!

MA:  Okay, here goes. (presses button. They suddenly find themselves inside a room with a pole and a female stripper—-)  Oops. Wrong button.

LS:  What film is this?

MA:  I don’t know. Nothing we reviewed this year.

LS:  It looks like ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. Isn’t that Jenna Jameson?

MA:  I don’t know, but we can’t stay. (Quickly presses buttons and they transfer to dark hotel lobby.)  This is more like it. I chose QUARANTINE as my #2 because it was one of the scarier films I sat through this year. I remember feeling mighty uncomfortable as I watched it.

QUARANTINE is the story of television reporter Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) who, along with her cameraman Scott (Steve Harris), spends a night filming a Los Angeles fire department in action. They accompany the fire department on a routine call to an apartment building to treat an ill woman. The call turns out to be anything but routine.

Angela, the firemen, the police on the scene, and the building’s residents suddenly find themselves quarantined, surrounded by government officials who will even use force to keep anyone from leaving the building. Inside the building, the occupants are plagued by a super-intense strain of rabies, which turns its victims into murderous zombie-like creatures.

The thrills in this movie were effective and intense. And while I was very disappointed with the ending, or to be more specific, with the fact that the trailers for this film actually did the bone-headed thing of giving away the ending, it didn’t ruin the movie for me. To be specific, the film worked, even though I knew in advance how it was going to end.

If you like to be scared, and if you’re at all afraid of the dark, then QUARANTINE is the movie for you.

LS: I liked QUARANTINE a lot, too. It’s non-stop from beginning to end, and Jennifer Carpenter is terrific as the reporter on the scene. Unfortunately, QUARANTINE would be Number 6 on my list, just missing the Top 5.

MA:  Well, the time has come. We’ve reached Number One. Drum roll please.

(Drum roll plays)

My pick for the #1 horror movie of 2008, you’ve got to go back to the beginning, back to January, with the release of CLOVERFIELD. (Presses button. They are suddenly on NYC streets. People are running and screaming, “Oh my God!  Oh my God!”). (turns to LS):  Stop that!

LS (grimacing and making scary faces, foaming at the mouth, etc.)  Sorry. I can’t help myself. I just like to work a crowd.

MA:  Anyway, my pick for the best of the year is no doubt J.J. Abrams’ CLOVERFIELD. Far and above the most entertaining yet scary film of the year, this tale of a giant monster loose in New York City works both as a modern day giant monster movie and an allegory for the events of 9/11.

The acting, the directing, the writing, were all superior. Some people had difficulty with the hand-held camera work, but not me. I thought this worked incredibly well, and when an unseen narrator can be one of the most entertaining characters in a movie full of visual thrills, that’s saying a lot.

The story, for those of you who haven’t seen it, is about a small group of friends who are having a going away party for their friend Rob (Michael Shahl-David) who is leaving to work in Japan. His best friend Hud (T.J. Miller)— I said this in our original review, and I’ll repeat it here- Hud is probably the funniest and most likable character I’ve ever NOT seen in a movie, since he’s behind the camera nearly the whole film—-is filming the party when the lights go out and suddenly all hell breaks loose as a giant “thing” attacks the city. Hud continues filming and what follows is CLOVERFIELD.

My favorite part of CLOVERFIELD is that it does two opposite things well. On the one hand, it’s one of the best giant monster movies ever made, and on the other hand, it doesn’t play like a giant monster movie, which so often come off as goofy. CLOVERFIELD is anything but goofy. It’s a hard-hitting, intelligent, very likeable adult tale that is also downright frightening. Hands down, it’s the best horror movie of the year. If you see one horror movie from 2008, make it CLOVERFIELD.

LS: CLOVERFIELD was a lot of fun, and it was a clever idea to give us a giant monster movie from the point of view of the poor people whose city is getting trampled. I loved this movie, too, and I agree it’s one of the year’s best horror movies. But it would only make it to Number 8 on my Top 10 list.

It’s funny that your choice for the top film was one of the first movies we reviewed in 2008. My choice for Number 1 is actually the last movie I reviewed last year for Fear Zone, and it’s another one I reviewed alone, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN.

(LS clicks the time device and they stand in the snow outside a housing complex)

This Swedish vampire film is the story of  Eli (Lina Leandersson), an ancient bloodsucker trapped in the body of a 12-year old girl. Atmospheric and quiet, with sudden bursts of bloody violence, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is all about alienation, loss, and the need to connect with at least one other person who understands you, as Eli makes friends with a bullied and friendless boy named Oskar (Kare Hedebrant). The emotions in this one are dead on, and the acting is superb, even though the two main characters are children. Easily the most impressive, unexpected, and intense movie I’ve seen this year. I loved it.

MA:  Sounds good. Well, that about wraps things up. Real quick, before we go, what’s your pick for the worst film of the year? Mine was the kids “horror” movie IGOR. Hard to believe that a kids’ movie could be yawn-fest boring, but this one was. How about you?

LS: There were lots of awful movies in 2008. IGOR would make my list, but I thought your beloved PROM NIGHT was much worse.

The absolute worst film we had to review in 2008, though, had to be X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE. Not only because the movie itself was dismal, with a script that would have been below-average for the TV series, but because it took iconic characters from a once-great television show and pretty much sucked out any remaining good will we might have had for them, leaving us with an empty husk. Nothing else we saw in 2008 came close to this turkey.

MA:  I don’t know. I think I could sit through X-FILES with less pain than having to hear those songs from IGOR again! Well, that’s it for 2008. Time to move forward. It’s a new year!

LS: Let’s hope it’s a good year for horror films.

(MA reaches over to shake LS’ hand. There is a huge electric shock followed by a total blackout.)

LS voice:  Gotcha!

MA voice:  Now you went and done it!  I can’t see the buttons on this thing to get us out of this place.

LS voice:  Hit any button.

MA voice:  Okay.

(MA and LS suddenly find themselves in a movie theater).

MA (smiling): How about that?

LS:  Nice work. Now pass the popcorn.

—END—

(Originally published on Fear Zone on 1/2/2009)

© Copyright 2009 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008)

Posted in 2008, Cinema Knife Fights, Lame Remakes with tags , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2010 by knifefighter

Cinema Knife Fight: THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008)
by  L.L. Soares (with Michael Arruda in spirit)

(THE SCENE: large ogre-like creatures in battle armor and muscular cyborgs roar into an alleyway, as L.L. SOARES pulls out a nuclear warhead and fires at them, setting off a huge mushroom cloud over their heads. MICHAEL ARRUDA looks up).

MA: Not good.

LS: I’m gonna go see PUNISHER WAR ZONE again. What are you going to do now?

MA: Get tested for radiation poisoning maybe. This is definitely not good.

LS: What?

MA: You meat-head, you just detonated a nuclear warhead. You’ve attracted the attention of the world, and then some! Look! (points to sky).

(An immense spaceship hovers above them, filling the entire sky above their heads.)

LS: (shouts up at it) Bring it on, alien boy!

(A sign pops up reading “To Be Continued Tomorrow with the review of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.“)

DIRECTOR (offscreen): CUT!

LS: Huh? (looks around and sees that MA has disappeared). What’s going on here? I thought we were going to do the follow-up review.

DIRECTOR: No can do. Arruda was caught in the middle of an ice storm and has no power. Even his local movie theater doesn’t have any power. You’re going to have to do this one solo.

LS: Er…okay.

(Men take away the props and fake scenery, revealing the alleyway, the monsters, and the mushroom cloud are all fake. In their place is a small soundstage with a lone black chair. LS changes into a suit and sits down).

LS: Ahem. Okay, where were we? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to review the new version of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.

(A guy who looks an awful lot like Milton Berle pops out with a giant powder puff and yells “MAKE-UP!” and slams LS in the face with it, leaving him dazed and covered in powder. He takes a moment to catch his breath).

The new remake of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL reminds me of a song. You know, you hear this simple, kind of raw song on the radio, and it really hits a nerve. You love that song. Every time you hear it, it makes you smile. And then someone comes along and does a cover of it, and they take the simple song and add a string section and horns and a complete orchestra, and suddenly you can barely recognize it, and all the soul has been sucked out of it, and it sounds an awful lot like Muzak.

Well, that’s the deal with the latest Keanu Reeves movie. You can tell they threw a lot of money at it. They took this simple, low-budget little sci-fi movie from the 1950′s and made it big and bold, with lots of CGI, and all this money did not add one ounce of anything worthwhile to the movie.

American Movie Classics (AMC – remember when they used to show movies uncut and uninterrupted? Now they have tons of commercials and stupid game shows in between the segments – just show the damn movies!!) happened to show the original film with Michael Rennie the night before (it had been a lot of years since I last saw it), and so it was fresh in my mind when I went to go see the remake.

It just made sitting through the new version all that more painful.

First of all, let’s talk about the cast. You’ve got Keanu Reeves, who is wooden and emotionless here. He always does that well. That’s why he was so good as Neo in those MATRIX movies. He’s great when he doesn’t have to act and he can make it look like he’s doing it on purpose. Well, here he gets to play Klaatu, a man from outer space, so once again he’ll get away with bad acting. Everyone is going to say he was terrific in this role. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized his performance was actually all wrong, and pretty damn awful. I’ll get back to that in a moment.

Jennifer Connolly plays the scientist who befriends Klaatu and helps him get away from the government types who want to keep him a prisoner. She’s a good actress, but she’s totally wasted here as Keanu’s sidekick. Half the movie she’s his chauffer, driving him to a McDonald’s and out into the woods so he can be all mysterious. Poor girl. But whenever she’s onscreen those eyes of hers hypnotized me into thinking THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL wasn’t a total waste of time. Then she’d be off-screen and I’d come back to my senses.

Then you have Will and Jada Smith’s little darling Jaden as Jennifer Connolly’s stepson. Why is this kid in so many movies lately? He’s exactly the kind of pouty, annoying kid who thinks he’s turning on the charm, when all he’s doing is making whatever movie he’s in really sappy. And someone give this kid a haircut, before he turns into Cousin Itt from the Addams Family! Now Haley Joel Osment was a kid who could act. Why did Haley Joel have to grow up? Now we’ve got cutesy brats like Jaden Smith.

There are a lot of better actors in smaller roles, like Jon Hamm (from TV’s MAD MEN – which, just so happens is also on AMC – so the channel isn’t all bad now) as one of Connolly’s fellow scientists, and Robert Knepper (T-Bag from PRISON BREAK) as a general. Even the terrific John Cleese has a small role where he’s pretty much wasted as the brainiac scientist who was played by Sam Jaffee in the original movie (they even keep the professor’s blackboard with its formula, so Klaatu can fix it, like the original – which just made me pine for the original all the more).

Then we come to Gort, the robot. He’s one of the main attractions of the original movie. And sure, in that one he was a seven foot guy in a rubber suit painted silver, but he was still pretty cool. Here, he’s much bigger and made with CGI effects, and wouldn’t you know it, he looks even more fake now, and I prefer the old rubber suit. And what’s with Gort turning into magic dust later in the movie – whose idea was that? Giant swarms of metal bugs (actually nano-robots) hovering over the city, instead of a cool cyclopean robot. Who thought that was more dramatic? It reminded me of the wind chasing everyone in M. Night Shyamalan’s THE HAPPENING. Was he a consultant on this movie?

The most obvious difference was that the original movie was small and charming and, at less than 90 minutes, it went by really fast, and it made a good point about human aggression and the Cold War tensions of the time. The new movie is longer and most of it is kind of boring. I didn’t find any of its updated story points exciting, except maybe for Keanu’s gooey exo-skeleton early on. And I’ve got to admit, the ecological message of the new movie kind of pissed me off. Why does every movie have to be about saving the earth now? Why do I have to pay $10.75 to get a sermon on going “green”? In the original movie, it was all about an end to war and aggression – change your ways or you’ll be exterminated. In the new one it’s all about Mama Earth. What, did human aggression and wars cease to be a problem anymore? No one gave me that memo. I guess we’ve finally achieved world peace! Hurray!

I hate paying top dollar to be preached to. It really rubs me the wrong way.

And instead of a flying saucer we get a big old sphere that looks like a miniature earth, glowing and swirling, and that was underwhelming as well. I actually found myself missing that dopey old flying saucer.

The original movie was small and didn’t have any big name stars. There was Michael Rennie as Klaatu, an underrated character actor who finally got a lead role, and he was good at it. And Patricia Neal as the lady who befriends him (in the old version she’s the secretary to a scientist, though, not a scientist herself, so at least some of the updating is good).

And what about the storyline where Klaatu escapes to live among us humans for awhile and study our ways? In the new one, Keanu is too busy having Jennifer Connolly drive him all over the place to care about human beings. And, in the biggest letdown of all – we don’t even get a decent depiction of the title. In the original movie, the earth standing still meant something. It was an example of Klaatu’s power, to make the people of earth listen to him. In the new movie it’s more of a side effect – an afterthought toward the end, as if the director made the whole movie and then realized nothing stood still and he had better plug it in, or else the title wouldn’t make any sense.

Oh, and earlier I mentioned Keanu’s performance as being awful. Here’s why. In the original movie, Michael Rennie played Klaatu as a normal man, not as some robotic alien. His people have been watching us for centuries, so they know how we act, and they know how to blend in. That was the whole point of the original film, that Klaatu was able to infiltrate common everyday life so that he could see humans close-up at their best and their worst.

So the way Keanu plays him is actually all wrong. So much for praising yet another robotic performance by him.

I really despised this movie. I hated its updated look, and its lame acting and its waste of Gort and the fact that I kept looking at my watch every 15 minutes (I’ve got a watch that lights up when you push a button, and I only use the light when I’m sitting in a movie that’s dragging its feet).

I sat there in the packed theater (Do audiences really have such bad taste? I guess they do, this movie was number one at the box office!) and wished I could have gone to see PUNISHER WAR ZONE again (but it was already gone from the theater), or that I’d walked past this particular theater in the multi-plex and gone to see SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE instead. Anything but this boring, overblown Keanu Reeves movie that kept threatening to put me to sleep.

Save your money. This one isn’t worth it.

(FADE TO BLACK)

(Originally published on Fear Zone on December 17, 2008)

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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PUNISHER WAR ZONE!

Posted in 2008, Cinema Knife Fights, Comic Book Movies with tags , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2010 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: PUNISHER WAR ZONE
By Michael Arruda & L. L. Soares


(The scene is a dark alleyway in a bad part of town. MICHAEL ARRUDA meets L.L. SOARES there at midnight next to a large green dumpster).

MA: So why did I have to meet you here?

LS: Because of the ambience! We’re reviewing the new Punisher movie after all!

(On the dumpster, there is a sticker that reads “Please do not dump human remains here.”)

MA: Oh yeah, speaking of which, what did you think of PUNISHER WAR ZONE?

LS: Excuse me a minute.

(LS whips out a revolver and takes a shot at a head peeking around the corner at them)

LS: Rats! Missed!

(Behind LS, a man stumbles away with blood spurting from his head in every direction)

MA:  I don’t think you mi— never mind.

LS:  Okay, well, PUNISHER WAR ZONE is actually the third movie featuring the Marvel Comics character Frank Castle, also known as the vigilante The Punisher. The first film, back in 1989 was called THE PUNISHER and starred Dolph Lundgren as Castle and Louis Gossett Jr. It was a B-level action movie that bore hardly any resemblance to the comic book character at all (Lundgren didn’t even wear the Punisher’s trademark skull logo on his chest, and that’s the only semblance of a “costume” the character has!) and it was pretty lame. I kind of don’t even consider the Lundgren version to be a real Punisher movie.

MA:  You’re not alone.  I remember when the Lundgren film came out, and what little hype there was at the time was all about Lundgren himself (fresh off his villainous boxer portrayal in ROCKY IV, he was being billed as the next action hero.)  Nary a word was spoken about Marvel comics.

LS:  Then in 2004, we got another movie called THE PUNISHER. This was one of those “reboots” where they tried to resurrect the franchise. It was a more expensive movie, more deserving of the character, and actor Thomas Jane was actually decent as Castle. They even had some scenes that were taken from Garth Ennis’s acclaimed run on the comic. But this version was pretty bad, too, mainly due to a weak script and the fact that the main villain (a generic mob boss named Howard Saint, played by John Travolta) totally sucked. A hero is only as interesting as his villains, and in the second version of THE PUNISHER, Thomas Jane really had nobody worthwhile to play off against, so the movie failed on a lot of levels, which was sad.

Now we get PUNISHER WAR ZONE, named after one of several spin-off comics from the original Punisher series. This time around, we get real characters from the comics (including Castle’s “sidekick” Micro (played by Wayne Knight here – Newman from SEINFELD!!)– who in the comics was a computer hacker, but who here is more of an arms supplier), as well as a bonafide comic book villain who has tangled with the Punisher several times, named Jigsaw (and no, he’s not the guy from SAW, this Jigsaw came way before that guy!)

A few things to note about PUNISHER WAR ZONE. The first thing is the casting. This time around, Frank Castle is played by Ray Stevenson. Some of you may remember him as the terrific Titus Pullo from HBO’s amazing series ROME. Stevenson is big and intimidating, and a very physical actor. He’s perfect for playing Frank Castle. And then we have Dominic West (who played Detective Jimmy McNulty on another great HBO series, THE WIRE), who is terrific as Jigsaw, a character who starts out as vain mobster  Billy “the Beaut” Russoti, a guy who is so taken with himself he is always looking in the mirror. Billy gets chopped up in a glass recycling machine by the Punisher and somehow lives. His patchwork, Frankenstein-looking new self is hungry for the Punisher’s blood. When either Stevenson or West (or both) are onscreen, it’s like nobody else is even there. They’re that good.

MA:  I thought Jigsaw’s make-up was one of the better aspects of the movie.  His face is a complete mess, nauseating to look at it, (looks at LS) but enough about you.

(LS smiles sarcastically and whips out revolver.  Fires at MA who dodges the bullet.)

LS (snapping fingers):  Missed again! I need to put in some time at the firing range.

(There is a cry, and from above a body falls with a thud into the dumpster.)

LS:  And Jigsaw’s not alone, he’s got a psycho brother named James, better known in mob circles as Loony Bin Jim (Doug Hutchinson), who isn’t above ripping out a man’s kidney and eating it right in front of him. Jigsaw springs his crazy brother from a mental hospital as part of his plan to get revenge on Castle for butchering his once-pretty face.

Excuse me.

(LS takes out an Uzi and sprays a gang of menacing types who enter the alleyway. Bodies fall everywhere).

MA (nodding his head in approval):  You didn’t miss that time.

LS: The plot is pretty simple. Castle lives to kill gangsters. During one of his assaults on the crime families, Castle unknowingly kills an undercover FBI agent. When he finds out he killed one of the “good guys” he goes into a depression and decides to give up vigilantism. But, as we all know, that’s not going to happen, because Jigsaw wants Castle’s head on a platter, and he also wants to make the family of the undercover “rat” suffer. The  dead cop’s widow is played by Julie Benz, who plays Rita on the Showtime series DEXTER, and who was also in another movie I recently reviewed for FearZone, SAW V.

The plot is just an excuse to move the movie forward, but really, this thing is nothing more than an ultraviolent cartoon. After two failed attempts to make the character “mainstream” and bring him to the big screen, this movie is one for the hardcore fans. It’s just an excuse for violence, gore and mayhem. And frankly. I enjoyed the hell out of it.

I was actually shocked at how much this movie earns its R rating. There are exploding heads, heads sliced off with knives, faces caved in by fists, blood-spurting bullet wounds, and lots of other wonderful effects, to show us just how much of an unrestrained killing machine Frank Castle can be.

And like I said, Dominic West is actually pretty terrific as Jigsaw. Where Stevenson’s Castle is all dark, brooding seriousness as he calmly goes around firing off his seemingly unlimited arsenal of weapons, Jigsaw is almost like a character from another movie. You’d think someone whose face was turned into ground beef might be intense and more than a little scary, but despite his repulsive visage, Jigsaw actually seems kind of funny. Like one of those quirky Dick Tracy villains. In fact, in a lot of ways, PUNISHER WAR ZONE reminded me of DICK TRACY (1990) on crystal meth.

Excuse me.

(More baddies enter the alleyway. LS pulls out a rocket launcher and blasts them to kingdom come)

LS (to MA): I’m really surprised you’re letting me talk so long.

MA: You’re doing such a wonderful job, why would I want to interrupt?  Besides, you’ve been a fan of the character for a long time – and you know a lot about him.

Not to mention, you’ve got guns.

LS:  What’s that supposed to mean?  That I’d shoot you if you interrupted me?

MA:  I don’t know, you wrote that line! (laughs).

LS: Good one.  Back to the movie.

Other characters include Dash Mihok as a really dumb cop named Martin Soap -who was the only character who annoyed me at times—.

MA:  Oh yes, Martin Soap.  I found him very annoying and wouldn’t have minded if he hadn’t been in the film.  His dopiness stood out in this movie like a severed thumb.

LS:  And Colin Salmon as Paul Budiansky, an FBI agent and a friend of the undercover agent who got killed, and who is initially as hungry to capture Castle as Jigsaw is. Of course, eventually Budiansky comes around to the Punisher’s way of thinking.

Another  big reason why this movie worked for me can be found in the Punisher’s origin story. In the comics, Vietnam veteran Frank Castle returns home from his tour of duty and reunites with his family. One day, while the Castle family is in the park having a picnic, his kids accidentally stumble upon a mob execution. They’re spotted and Castle’s kids and wife are murdered, and Castle is badly injured. But he lives. And from that point on, he only lives to kill the bastards who took his family away from him. This is easily one of the most cinematic origins in comics history.

MA:  Right up there with young Bruce Wayne seeing his parents killed.

LS:  In the 1989 Dolph Lundgren movie, Frank Castle is a cop who wants revenge on the bastards who killed his partner. In the 2004 movie, Frank is an undercover cop who wants revenge when mobsters kill his family at a reunion (after they find out he’s a cop). For some reason, both movies felt the need to alter Castle’s origin dramatically, and neither film improved on the basic, powerful, true origin. In fact, both films dilute his origin to the point of neutering the character.

The point is, Castle is not a cop. He does not work within the confines of the law. He is a soldier.

MA:  Good point.

LS:  In PUNISHER WAR ZONE, Frank gets to keep his real origin, although we see it only on flashbacks. This is not an origin film, like most “superhero” movies. In fact, when WAR ZONE opens, Frank has been killing mobsters for four years, and has not yet been apprehended. Secretly, the police like the fact that he cleans up the city in ways they’re not allowed to.

Excuse me.

(A chain-wielding gang of criminals enters the alleyway, hooting and hollering. LS reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Patriot Missile, which he fires at them, destroying half the neighborhood).

LS: Where was I?

The Punisher’s origins go back to the 1970s. He was originally introduced in the pages of THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN as a villain hired to take out Spidey. But he proved so popular that he took on a life of his own, and became one of Marvel’s most popular anti-heroes. Needless to say, where characters like Batman and Spider-Man have a moral code they stick by, which prevents them from taking a life, the Punisher’s code is a lot more twisted. Where a superhero like IRON MAN may appeal to FearZone fans, he’s not really a horror character. However, the Punisher, as a mass murderer, a serial killer, and a borderline psychotic, bring us into much darker territory.

As you can tell, I really dug this little flick, and found myself enjoying the ride a lot. There were other hardcore fans in the audience I saw it with, too, who laughed in the right spots, and enjoyed the blood-stained thrill ride that is PUNISHER WAR ZONE. And it’s funny that it took a female director, former stuntwoman and kickboxer Lexi Alexander, to finally do a Punisher movie right.

And if it’s not obvious yet, I’m one of those hardcore fans. Hell, the first tattoo I ever got was of the Punisher’s skull logo. Nice to finally have a movie that’s not an embarrassment.

Another aspect I really enjoyed about this movie was that while I was watching it, I knew Michael would despise PUNISHER WAR ZONE. I have to admit, that gave me a real chuckle.

So Michael, what did you think of it?

MA (chuckling):  Well, the laugh is on you, because, believe it or not, I didn’t despise PUNISHER WAR ZONE.  I wanted to, believe me, because I agree with you about the film earning its R rating.  There was enough blood spilled in this one movie to make a vampire orgasm, and then some!  I found myself shaking my head and asking “why do movie audiences need to see violence like this?”  We don’t.

LS (looks puzzled): WE don’t? Speak for yourself, pilgrim.

MA:  I’m speaking for the general movie-going public.  As you said, this movie will appeal most to hardcore fans like yourself.  To the average viewer, the violence in this film is going to be too disturbing.  Yet, there was a lot to like about this film, and I did indeed like it, which means perhaps that it’s better than even you gave it credit for.

I had not seen the previous two Punisher movies, but I was still looking forward to seeing this one since I enjoy action films like the next guy.

(Suddenly a crowd of construction workers drinking beer appear behind MA & LS, roaring “Guy movies!!!!” LS fires his Uzi up in the air, and they run away.  Several more bodies and body parts fall into the dumpster.)

However, as you know, I don’t like over-the-top violence for no reason, so I had my reservations.

LS: In other words, you’re a wimp.

MA: No, I just have taste.  Show me a mindless bloodbath, and I’m going to stop watching.  Show me something more, and I’m in.  PUNISHER WAR ZONE showed me something more.  Yes, the violence was horrific, too horrific for my liking.  Watching heads sliced off with knives and organs eaten by a crazy villain a la Hannibal Lecter is not my cup of tea. (Lifts mug to his lips and sees bubbling red blood inside.  Frowns and moves to toss it.)

LS:  Don’t throw it away!  Let me have it.  (Takes mug and drinks). Yummy!

MA:  Yes, that’s much more to your liking.  I’ll stick with green tea. (Sips new mug).  Much better.  Anyway, back to the Punisher.  I didn’t like the violence at all, but the acting, direction, script, and overall feel of the film more than made up for the bloody violence.

My favorite part of this movie was the writing, which is a funny thing to say about a grisly horror-action flick, but I thought the script by Nick Santora, Art Marcum, and Matt Holloway was extremely well-written.  My favorite part was that it did not cheat the audience.  There were no cheap twists, which is hard to do with a story where the villain claims to have both the NYPD and the Feds in his pocket.  There weren’t any of the cliché  “Surprise!  I’m really a bad guy!” scenes in the movie.

Like you, I really enjoyed the characters.  I thought Ray Stevenson was terrific as Frank Castle.  He was menacing, relentless, and unstoppable.  He reminded me a bit of the Terminator, only darker. I didn’t find him as psychotic as you did, however, and I don’t think I’d describe him as a serial killer.  I didn’t get the sense, based upon the way he was portrayed in this movie, anyway, that he enjoyed killing.  He just seemed duty-bound to kill every mobster in his path.

Like you, I also really enjoyed Dominic West as Jigsaw, more than I want to admit, and you were right about him keeping his sense of humor.  He was quite funny, in spite of being a monster.  I thought Jigsaw’s make-up after his accident was sufficiently grotesque as well.

But, to me, the overall success of PUNISHER WAR ZONE belongs to director, Lexi Alexander.  She films some really intense action sequences, even though I would have preferred them with less blood.  She also gives this movie a slick polished looked which at times reminded me of SIN CITY.

LS: This isn’t a Stanley Kubrick or a Martin Scorsese movie. There’s no pretense here of making great art. It’s an uber-violent cartoon. And on that level, it works. It also doesn’t pull any punches. While Stevenson does protect Benz and win her over, and Benz’s young daughter actually looks up to Frank, these elements do not push the movie into sappy territory. There’s no need for some romantic storyline to make this more palatable to mainstream audiences. These scenes simply seek to humanize Frank a little between shooting sprees.

It’s not any more than it claims to be. And I enjoyed its gory goodness.

MA: Well, I’m happy for you and the 666 other fans who agree with you.  For the rest of us, PUNISHER WAR ZONE is an extremely violent, bloody movie that is also extremely well made.  It’s a fine example of what creative directing, excellent writing, and solid acting can do with material that in lesser hands could have been discarded in the gross-out-for-no-good-reason dumpster.  I liked it, and I think our audience out there should go see it.  Just be prepared for lots and lots of blood and gore.

LS (licks his lips): I’m really surprised you liked this one. But seriously, if you wish this movie had less blood and violence, then you’re kind of missing the whole point of why it exists in the first place.

MA:  It exists to make money, but that’s beside the point.  I like PUNISHER WAR ZONE just the way it is, but had it been less violent, I would have liked it more because it would have appealed to me more.  It’s as simple as that.

LS:  This movie isn’t for everyone, but if you like how we’ve described this flick, then you probably should go see it.

Excuse me.

(Large ogre-looking creatures in battle armor and muscular cyborgs roar into the alleyway. LS pulls out a nuclear warhead and fires it at them, setting off a huge mushroom cloud over their heads).

MA (looking at cloud):  Not good.

LS: I’m gonna go see PUNISHER WAR ZONE again.  What are you going to do now?

MA: Get tested for radiation poisoning maybe.  This is definitely not good.

LS:  What?

MA:  You meat-head, you just detonated a nuclear warhead.  You’ve attracted the attention of the world, and then some!  Look! (points to sky).

(An immense spaceship hovers above them, filling the entire sky above their heads.)

LS:  Bring it on, alien boy!

(To Be Continued Tomorrow with the Review of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL.)

—END—

(First published on Fear Zone on 12/8/09)

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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Clive Barker’s MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN

Posted in 2008, Cinema Knife Fights, Clive Barker Movies with tags , , , , on January 7, 2010 by knifefighter

(This one didn’t get a proper theatrical release, but, before it came out on DVD, it was shown for a short time on cable on the channel FearNet. Michael and I watched it there to review it in 2008)

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

(It’s after midnight, in the wee hours of the morning, and MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are riding the subway.  Except for another man dressed in a business suit, they are the only ones in the subway car.)

MA:  Welcome, folks, to another edition of Cinema Knife Fight.  Tonight we’re reviewing the new movie THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008), a chilling horror flick based upon a short story by Clive Barker.  Barker also served as one of the movie’s producers.  THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN is currently enjoying its broadcast premiere on Comcast Digital Cable’s ON DEMAND movie service (specifically, the channel FEARNET).  Best of all, it’s available for free for the rest of November. So see it for free now, while you can.

As you can guess by the title, the plot involves the subway, which is why we are out here in the middle of the night enjoying this joy ride.  (Turns to LS)  Having fun yet?

LS:  I was wondering when you were going to get to me.

MA:  I was just seeing how long you could go without saying something.  A couple of minutes.  Not bad.

LS:  It’s easy to do when you’re contemplating someone else’s demise (sharpens a butcher’s knife and looks at MA).

MA:  And I thought you were gathering your thoughts for today’s review.

LS:  I’ll be gathering your thoughts as I sweep them off the floor. (A brain falls to the floor with a bloody splat.  LL sweeps it up and instead of tossing it into a trash can, begins to wrap it in butcher’s paper).

MA (feeling his own head):  Just making sure.  We’re getting a little gory here.  I think that’s my cue to start this review.

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN is the story of Leon Kauffman (Bradley Cooper), a young photographer who has a passion for taking pictures of the city, but his career is going nowhere, until he meets a prestigious art dealer named Susan Hoff (Brooke Shields), who tells him his work has potential.  Inspired by her words and encouraged by her invitation to enter his work in one of her shows, Leon begins making late night trips into the city in search of images he hopes will further his career.

It is on one of these late night excursions that Leon stumbles onto some grisly goings-on.  It seems a mysterious man is butchering people on the subway in the middle of the night.  Leon sets out to prove his suspicions, and begins a deadly game of cat and mouse with the butcher (Vinnie Jones).  Along the way, Leon receives help from his girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb) who becomes increasingly frightened with her boyfriend’s obsession with this butcher.

Their amateur investigation leads to an even more grisly discovery as to why these brutal crimes are being committed, and in the end, all is explained and we are left sufficiently horrified.  At least that’s the idea.

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN is a slick, polished production that looks great and really sports some of the more stylized gore I’ve seen in a while.  It’s not your standard bloodbath.  There’s something very artistic about the blood and gore in this one.  Kudos to director Ryuhei Kitamura.

And I can’t find fault with the acting either.  I really liked Bradley Cooper as Leon in the lead.  He possesses a strength and aggressiveness throughout that is refreshing.  He’s not your standard cardboard hero who will easily succumb to the monstrous evil doings of the villain.  He’s quick and gritty, like the city, appropriately enough.  Leslie Bibb as his girlfriend Maya was also very good, and the fact that she looks beautiful in this film doesn’t hurt either!  We saw her earlier in the year in the summer blockbuster IRON MAN, as a reporter.

Brooke Shields as the art dealer was an interesting choice.  She’s perfectly okay here, and actually does a very good job, as you would expect for someone who’s been acting as long as she’s been, but ultimately, it’s kind of a thankless role.  Not much comes of it.  I expected more from the part as the movie went along.

Vinnie Jones (X-MEN:  THE LAST STAND [2006]) looks menacing as the butcher, but I wish his character had been developed more.  I thought he was one of the weaker parts of the movie, when he should have been one of the stronger parts.

So, we have this great-looking movie with excellent performances, and a story by Clive Barker. So why was I not thrilled?

I think I have to lay the blame on screenwriter Jeff Buhler.  This movie just failed to grab me and capture my imagination.  While I liked the main characters, the story itself didn’t move in a direction that won me over.  Something in the writing was lacking, and for me it was plot, not character.

Leon discovers the identity of the butcher too easily, and his investigation is helped by some good fortune and luck (like meeting the butcher a second time by chance) that strains believability.  Plausible, perhaps, but weak.

I also didn’t like the conspiracy parts of the plot later in the movie.  The butcher himself could have been scary enough on his own.  The revelations later in the movie of other people involved seemed forced and didn’t really work for me.  And the final explanation about the butcher’s motives was far-fetched and not as scary as it should have been.  The story worked best when it felt gritty, like the city itself.  I expected an ending with the same feel. This one jumped the tracks and took a different direction.  As a result, I don’t recommend THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN.  It’s nice to look at, but in terms of story, it’s just not that meaty.

(The MAN IN THE SUIT stands up at his end of the subway car and approaches them as the train barrels down the tunnel. He opens his leather bag)

MAN IN SUIT (staring menacingly at MA and LS): Could I interest you two in…..

(MA and LS cringe)

MAN IN SUIT (pulls something from his bag): A delicious new bottled water with caffeine and Viagra added?

(The train stops and the doors open. MA and LS throw the MAN off the train.)

LS: What are you implying? Get outta here, you jerk!

MA (dusts off his clothes): How about you?  What did you think?

LS:  I think he’s a jerk!

MA:  Not him, the movie!

LS: Well, as a big fan of Clive Barker’s early horror fiction, especially his short story collections, THE BOOKS OF BLOOD, I was pretty excited when I first heard they were making a movie version of “Midnight Meat Train,” one of my favorite stories from that collection. Unfortunately, the movie’s release date was postponed several times, and when it finally did get a theatrical release it was only in a handful of cities – which didn’t include mine. I’m actually pretty psyched that FEARNET is showing the movie for free for those of us who missed out.

I actually liked this one a lot. I thought the acting was very good. As Leon, Bradley Cooper (who has previously been on a lot of television shows, including ALIAS and NIP/TUCK), is a good lead character, and I thought Leslie Bibb was good here, too, as Maya.

(MA and LS start walking down the length of the train, opening doors between cars and continuing to walk as the train picks up speed again)

LS: It was also good to see Roger Bart as Leon’s friend Jirgus. We saw Bart previously in the first season of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, as well as more genre-related fare as HOSTEL PART II. I like him, and while his role in MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN is pretty thankless, it was nice to see him here.

Brooke Shields is just fine as art dealer Susan Hoff. She originally likes Leon’s photos, but feels they aren’t “real” enough. She’s the one who encourages him to find the true underbelly of the big city, which leads to Leon stumbling upon the serial killer.

MA:  I agree with you. The cast was terrific.

LS:  As the butcher, whose name is Mahogany, I thought Vinnie Jones was very effective and wasn’t one of the weakest elements at all. In fact, he was my favorite aspect of MEAT TRAIN. I’ve always dug this guy a lot, since I first saw him in Guy Ritchie’s British gangster movies like LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS and SNATCH. I thought Jones would have a much bigger career – he’s very charismatic and intimidating.

MA:  I wish he had been charismatic in this movie.

LS:  His bigger Hollywood roles have been a bit disappointing though. His recent turn as The Juggernaut (a great character in the comics, by the way) in X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, was sadly laughable. It’s roles in independent films like this one that really give him a chance to shine. And he does it here without uttering a word of dialogue.

MA:  I don’t know.  I found him rather robotic and one-dimensional, rather like an evil  secret service agent. He wasn’t messy enough for me.  He was too neat.  I’m not sure if that makes sense or not.

LS:  Jones walks around this movie, immaculate in his business suit and carrying a big leather bag, with an air of real authority. In some ways, his character reminds me a bit of The Tall Man from the PHANTASM films.

(Subway doors open and the Tall Man enters, growling):  Come here, BOY!

MA: If you’re looking for the Viagra guy, he already got off the train.

Tall Man:  Thank you.  (Exits).

MA:  That was close.  Anyway, the Tall Man was scarier than Mahogany, and he has a better name.  Mahogany sounds like a bureau.

LS:  I do agree that the script is the weakest element, but I didn’t think it was as bad as you did. There are some plot holes and some moments where character motivations really didn’t seem believable (like when Maya and Jirgus explore Mahogany’s apartment without weapons), but they weren’t enough to ruin my enjoyment of this movie. I wish they had expanded on the character of Mahogany, though. We do get a few glimpses into his personal life, and they are fascinating. One scene in particular where he is in his bathroom, slicing off odd growths from his chest with a scalpel and placing them in jars, is especially intriguing. It appears as if he is slowly losing his humanity, and I wish we could have explored this a little more. Since Mahogany doesn’t talk, though, it does make it difficult to really understand what is going on in his head.

MA:  I agree completely.  That’s the kind of depth I was looking for.

(LS and MA enter a subway car where naked people hang upside down, cut up like slabs of beef. They ignore the carcasses as they continue talking and walking. LS grabs a handful of meat on the way and chews on it.

MA (frowns):  You might want to cook that first.

LS:  What the hell for?

MA:  Lucky for you, it’s fake, just special effects.

LS (menacing):  Is it?

MA(smiles):  Good one!  (LS stares at him menacingly)  Very good.  (MA laughs uncomfortably).

LS: As for director Ryuhei Kitamura, I have to admit I’m not a big fan of his. His previous efforts have included the horror/fantasy epic VERSUS from 2000 (which I thought started out great as a low-budget “gangsters vs. zombies” movie, but which got increasingly tedious for me as it unfolded, going on way too long and never seeming to actually end), as well as GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (2004), which I thought had some great giant monster battles, but Godzilla and his enemies got way too little screen time and we got treated to a boring “humans vs. aliens” story for a lot of the film. Kitamura always seemed to lack a sense of discipline to me, which has worked against his potential as an interesting director.

Here, Kitamura seems more controlled, and I like the results a lot more.

(The subway train emerges from the tunnel and goes outside briefly. Behind MA and LS, Godzilla is tearing apart the city. Mothra flies by overhead and drops two little screaming fairies into the demolished scene.  MA and LS ignore this as the train enters another tunnel)

LS: I do have some other complaints. I found the final scenes in the subway tunnels a bit too dark at times to really make out everything that’s going on.  I hated the scenes where CGI blood effects were used – they looked incredibly fake and I wish Kitamura had stuck to only traditional gore effects, which are much more visceral.

MA:  I liked those blood effects, though I admit they didn’t look real, but they were stylish.

LS:  I also saw Leon’s fate coming a mile away. But these are minor quibbles, and I still thought the movie was a lot of fun. I completely recommend it. Especially for free! How can you go wrong?

As for your complaints about the end of the story and its revelations – these are from Clive Barker’s original story, so you can hardly fault the screenwriter. And I actually had no problem with them, since they explain the entire plot to the viewer’s satisfaction.

MA:  I fault the screenwriter for not winning me over and capturing my imagination.  I don’t necessarily hold him responsible for the ending.

LS:  I thought this was a decent horror flick that really deserved a better theatrical release. Compared to films that got wide release this year like THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY and PROM NIGHT, I found MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN to be much more enjoyable. This film really deserves a bigger audience.

MA:  I enjoyed listening to your comments, because I’m not really sure why I didn’t like this movie more than I did.  Perhaps it was because I watched it in the comfort of my own home and not at a theater.  I don’t know.  It also may have been that it didn’t really have a sense of humor, which can be a huge help to a horror film.  I thought emotionally, it was all rather flat.

(The train stops and a conductor’s voice shouts “Last stop! Everyone off!” MA and LS leave the train and emerge on a platform full of strange monsters wearing bibs and holding knives and forks).

LS: Hey, we got here just in time for breakfast!  (Lifts his package of butcher paper).  I brought brain.  (to MA)  What did you bring?

MA (grins devilishly):  I brought you!

LS:  Good one, very good!  (laughs uncomfortably as the creatures approach)

MA (addressing audience):  Hey, I have to be the scary one, sometimes!  Can’t let LL have all the fun!

—END—

(Originally published on Fear Zone on 11/10/08)

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY

Posted in 2008, Cinema Knife Fights, Ghost Movies with tags , , on December 31, 2009 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY (2008)
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares


(MICHAEL  ARRUDA is following a rope leading through the forest. Along the way he sees sticky notes that read things like “Follow Me,” “You’re getting warmer,” and “Two loaves of bread, milk, dozen eggs.”  Eventually he comes upon a cabin deep in the woods. On the door is a sign that reads “Enter.” He goes inside to see L.L. SOARES watching SAW V on a big screen TV.)

MA:  Hey!  You reviewed this slop last week!  We’re reviewing  THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY this week.

LS: I know. I’d just rather watch this crap.

MA: I’d rather watch something good! Anyway, we can’t always get what we want. And on that note, why don’t you tell these folks about the movie.

LS: (growls) Okay. I guess I might as well get this over with.

MA: Please do.

LS: THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY begins in 1997, when young Laurel Miller (Jessica Lowndes) finds herself in a cabin just like this one. However, she’s here to meet with her boyfriend. The romantic rendezvous is cut short by the appearance of her father, who takes her away. Unfortunately, in the car ride home, he also tries to kill her. He seems to think that once she turns 18 in a few days, she is going to turn evil. So he takes care of that with a sliver of glass to the head.

MA:  I liked this pre-credit sequence.  It worked for me, but probably not for the reasons the filmmakers intended.  The sequence worked for me because of the number of times in real life desperate parents, especially fathers and husbands, have taken the lives of their children (and their entire families!) rather than just killing themselves.  For this reason, I found the opening scary, because it resonated with real life implications.  The fact that in this instance the father thought his daughter was going to turn evil at 18, and that’s why he wanted to kill her, did little for me.

LS:  (Yawns) Yeah, that beginning was so compelling. Not!

MA:  Well, maybe not for you, but then again, that’s not saying much.  A young girl being murdered by her father isn’t yawn fest material.

LS: It is if the movie is full of clichés.

THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY then jumps to present day, where Molly Hartley is also about to turn 18. She’s been through some traumatic stuff lately. Her mother tried to stab her to death and is locked away in an asylum.

MA:  I liked this, too.  The fact that her mother tried to kill her gave Molly a legitimate conflict to deal with in this film, and for a while, anyway, caught my interest.

LS:  Meanwhile, Molly and her dad have moved to a new town, and she’s about to start at a new prep school full of rich snobs. It doesn’t help that Molly gets nose bleeds and writhes around on the girls room floor having panic attacks.

When her father brings her to the hospital, Molly learns she has a benign tumor that might be causing all of the aural and visual hallucinations she’s been having lately. However, when the tumor is removed, things don’t get much better.

I actually found myself scratching my head during this movie.  Supposedly, this is one of those movies that has a Christian subtext, and there are scenes that seem to reinforce this.  Molly’s only friend at school (at first) is a born-again girl named Alexis (Shanna Collins), who clearly is there to “save” Molly. The thing is, she’s one of the creepiest characters in the movie.

MA:  Yes, she is one of the creepiest characters in the movie, and so I would argue the point that this film has a Christian subtext.  At times, it seems like it does, but when all is said and done, the Christian elements are exposed as merely plot points that don’t actually work, nor make sense.  If this film had a true Christian subtext, the plot would have gone elsewhere.

LS:  As Molly slowly begins to realize that her mother made a deal with someone when she was born stillborn – to save her life in exchange for her soul at age 18 – she also realizes that there are people who would do anything to kill her before she reaches that important age.

As a horror movie, MOLLY HARTLEY fails because it isn’t very horrific. It seems more like a special episode of GOSSIP GIRL, than a horror movie. The storyline is much more interested in things like Molly trying to fit in at a new school than it is in trying to scare us. In fact, this movie has way too many fake scares (people jumping out when you least expect them) and not enough real ones.

(A hand taps LS’s shoulder.  He screams.  Turns to see it is only MA).

MA (overacting on purpose):  I’m sorry.  It’s only me.  I didn’t mean to scare you.  (Both MA & LS turn to audience) Don’t you just hate the “it’s only me” scares?

LS:  They’re the worst!  Fake scares bite!

MA:  Enough with the fake scares!  We want real scares!

LS:  I don’t have a lot of complaints about the acting, though. As Molly, Haley Bennett is effective enough. She’s cute and a pretty good actress. Much better than this material deserves. In fact, most of the cast members seem to be faces we’ve seen regularly on television, including Collins (Alexis), who was the daughter on the recent (and very good) show SWINGTOWN. Molly’s father is played by Jake Weber, who plays Patricia Arquette’s husband on MEDIUM. AnnaLynne McCord plays bad girl Suzie here, and was also bad girl Eden on the FX show NIP/TUCK. Handsome male lead Chace Crawford, who plays rich boy Joseph Young, is a regular from GOSSIP GIRL.

MA:  Isn’t he a gorilla?

LS:  Huh?

MA:  Joseph Young.  Mighty Joe Young’s real name was Mr. Joseph Young.

LS:  Okay.  Whatever.  Molly’s mother is played by Marin Hinkle, a regular on TWO AND A HALF MEN. I could go on and on. I was surprised by how many cast members I recognized from TV shows. So, as you can see, these are experienced actors, and the movie plays like a decent enough TV-movie at times.  However, its biggest drawback is its script.

The main problem with this movie is that it tries to double as a sermon, and it fails badly. Not only are the Christian trappings unconvincing, the character who most exemplifies the ideals is an outsider who seems to be borderline psychotic. By the time Molly believes the prophecies about herself and turns to Alexis for help, Alexis has become so weird and creepy that we don’t believe her for a minute as someone who can actually help the situation.

The ending also undermines the plot, because it a) shows that there is no such thing as “free will” and 2) shows that being bad is actually much more desirable than being “saved” which I don’t think is what the filmmakers had in mind.

MA:  I’m not sure the filmmakers knew what they had in mind.

LS:  MOLLY HARTLEY has plot lines and dialogue that are laugh-out-loud funny, as it shows us the story of a girl whose soul has been sold to the devil by her parents, and the repercussions that occur when she comes of age. If anything, I think that being “saved” should be the last thing on Molly’s mind, since what the “dark forces” have in store for her don’t seem all that bad at all.

So what did you think about it, Michael?

(Suddenly a huge gorilla is standing next to MA.  The two converse, with MA mimicking monkey sounds).

LS:  What are you doing?

MA:  I’m talking to my friend here, Mr. Joseph Young, using monkey talk I learned from watching Bela Lugosi in MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1932).

LS:  Monkey talk?

MA:  We have to communicate somehow.  It took me awhile, but Bela’s a great teacher.  Anyway, Joe’s disappointed he didn’t get a cameo in MOLLY HARTLEY.  Don’t worry about it, Joe.  We acknowledged you here.

(Joe waves to audience and exits)

MA (calling out to him):  It might not hurt to switch agents, though!  (to LS) Poor guy.

LS:  Enough with all this monkey business! (Quick drum beat).  I asked you what you think about the movie.

MA:  I think I agree with you.  (Loud, horrific, blood-curdling screams burst through the room followed by bursts of thunder and flashes of lightning).  Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but in this case you’ve hit the nail directly on the head.

(LS lifts hammer and pounds nail into MA’s forehead making a loud crunch.  Blood drips down over MA’s face.)

MA: Happy Halloween to you, too. (removes nail and wipes fake blood from his face)  Very crude humor, very crude.  I prefer the old-fashioned pie in the face, myself.  (Lifts cream pie and shoves it into LS’s face).

LS (screams):  It burns!  It burns!

MA:  Wasn’t I supposed to use acid?  I’m sorry.  Maybe it did call for egg yolks instead.  How stupid of me.

LS (licking cream):  I love spicy food!

MA:  I aim to please.  Anyway, you were dead on with your thoughts about this movie, especially its ending.

The ending shows that being bad is actually much more desirable than being “saved.”  The way the ending stands now, it’s like “I believe in the devil so now I’m suddenly the recipient of supernatural powers, and I can walk through life untouched like an evil superman, or in this case, superwoman, and everything is wonderful.”  Sorry.  It doesn’t work that way.  If it did, we’d all be devil worshippers, right?  It just didn’t ring true to me.  It was just too neat and easy, and worst of all, not scary.

(The Devil pops up in a puff of red smoke)

Devil: That’s too bad.  I always hope movies about me are going to be good.

(Devil disappears in another puff of smoke)

LS:  Normally I wouldn’t reveal the ending of a movie, but this one is so bad, I really hope nobody spends money to see it at the movies. This is definitely more of a rental.

MA: I was troubled by the religious aspects of this movie.  If Alexis truly believed that Molly had sold her soul to the devil, and that she was going to become some demon on her 18th birthday, she wouldn’t have gone it alone and tried to drown Molly by her lonesome.  She would have been in contact with others in her church, and they most likely would have told her that the idea of Molly becoming a demon was ludicrous. Then it would have made sense that Alexis would take on Molly alone.

If you’re going to bring religion into a movie, you ought to do it right or else you lose your audience.  That’s why anytime I see a priest in a film and there’s some battle against evil, and there’s special effects flying all over the place, and the priest is acting like a Jedi Knight, it’s ho-hum time.  Go back and watch THE EXORCIST and, whether you believe the content or not, it’s not presented in a fake way.  There’s nothing in that movie that you couldn’t believe, if you wanted to.   And that’s one of the reason’s it’s so scary.

And the whole bit about the 18th birthday also didn’t work for me.  It would have worked better had it been a symbol for some of the horrible ceremonial acts of mutilation committed against women in certain cultures around the world today.  These devil worshippers perhaps are going to mutilate Molly, or there’s something very dreadful about to happen to her.  But as you said, in this case, her life gets better.  In terms of horror, this isn’t scary.

The reason this doesn’t work here isn’t because I don’t like the idea that worshipping the devil, for instance, could be a good thing, because that’s why people would do it, after all, because they think it gives them power, or makes them feel good.  No, the problem here is that it’s all so superficial.  Life just isn’t that neat and tidy.   Compare what happens to Molly to the character of the Joker in THE DARK KNIGHT.  The Joker is clearly a powerful character, an evil character, and I would argue that he is a more realistic portrayal of “evil” than a smiling Molly parading around in her rich clothes at the end of this movie.  The point here isn’t that evil can’t look like Molly, because it can, but rather if that’s what you’re going for, for crying out loud, make it real, not something you’d see in a commercial.

Like you, I enjoyed some of the performances.  I liked Haley Bennett as Molly Hartley, and l liked Jake Weber as her father.  I also particularly enjoyed Shannon Marie Woodward as Molly’s friend Leah.  I thought the few times she was on screen the movie was that much better.

LS: Oh yeah, I liked her a lot, too, and wish she was in the movie more.

MA: While the movie didn’t excite me by any means, it held my interest for the most part.  Because of the decent performances, I liked Molly, and I cared what happened to her.  But the ending lost me, and a lukewarm movie with a weak ending just doesn’t cut it for me, and so I can’t recommend this movie.  Like you said, if you’re into GOSSIP GIRL, you might like it— but if you’re into horror movies, like we are, stay away from it.

Well, that about wraps up another Cinema Knife Fight.

LS:  Until next time, I’m LL Soares.

MA:  And I’m— (MA starts speaking to LS in monkey talk).

LS:  You’ve gone bananas! (quick drum beat)

MA:  Bananas?  Did someone say bananas? (lifts cream pie)  Special delivery – banana cream!

(MA throws cream pie at LS.)

(Fade to Black.)

—END—

(Originally published on Fear Zone on 11/3/08)

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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QUARANTINE

Posted in Zombie Movies, 2008, Cinema Knife Fights with tags , , , , , , on December 30, 2009 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: QUARANTINE (2008)
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

(Inside a darkened apartment building, MICHAEL ARRUDA knocks on an apartment door. It opens, and MA enters the apartment.)

MA:  Anyone here?

(L.L. SOARES is sitting in front of a television which is showing reruns of the old show EMERGENCY!, and there are no other lights on inside the room. MA calls to him again, but he does not respond.)

MA:  Are you okay?

(LS makes some strange growling noises, sounding a bit like the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil.)

MA:  LL!

(LS jumps up and spits out a mouthful of popcorn.)

LS:  What the hell?  Don’t you knock?

MA:  Sorry. I did. I guess you didn’t hear me.

LS:  I must have dozed off.

(MA starts turning on all sorts of lights).

LS:  What are you doing?

MA:  Turning lights on. I can’t see in here.

LS:  Scared of the dark?

MA:  No, I just like to see. (The light reveals popcorn kernels all over the floor). On second thought…. (Turns some of the lights off again). Ready?  Let’s begin. Tonight, folks, L.L. and I are here in this darkened apartment building to review the new horror movie, QUARANTINE (2008).

QUARANTINE tells the story of Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) a television reporter who, along with her cameraman Scott (Steve Harris), takes on the assignment of covering a Los Angeles fire department for a night. On this particular night, the department responds to a routine call about someone being ill inside an apartment building, and Angela and Scott tag along for the ride. Arriving at the building, they find that the police are already at the scene, and the officers explain that a woman was screaming from inside one of the apartments.

They enter the apartment and find a frightened old woman who looks extremely pale and ill. Before they can remove her from the apartment, she attacks them and viciously bites one of the police officers. As they retreat down to the lobby, they discover that the front doors to the apartment building are locked from the outside. Along with the rest of the building’s occupants, Angela, the police, and the firemen find themselves trapped inside the building, surrounded by lots of soldiers with guns.

Angela and the others quickly realize that they have been quarantined, and soon after they discover that the disease spreading inside the building is a deadly strain of rabies. The rabies spreads quickly, as the victims turn into murderous zombie-like creatures that attack and bite new victims. Angela and the others must fight to survive against these vicious creatures while at the same time seeking a way out of the building past the gun-toting officials outside.

Now, I liked QUARANTINE, but there were parts of this movie that I didn’t like. I liked the idea of the movie. I thought the concept of the reporter covering a night at a fire station was a good one, and the whole part at the apartment building I really liked.

LS: I really liked how most of the action takes place in the old apartment building, too. It’s a great location.

MA: I thought it was a creepy location, and ripe for some intense scares. Now I realize this is a remake of another movie, so I guess the writers can’t claim credit for originality here.

LS: Yeah, QUARANTINE is a remake of a Spanish film called [REC] (as in what comes onscreen when you push the “Record” button), and it’s very faithful to the source material. Aside from trying to flesh things out a bit, the American version is almost a scene-for-scene remake.

MA: I thought the scenes at the fire station at the beginning of the movie were rather slow, and not as interesting or as entertaining, let’s say, as the opening party scene in CLOVERFIELD (2008), to which QUARANTINE will inevitably be compared, thanks to its hand-held camera work and documentary feel. But this is a minor point, and not one that I hold against this movie.

LS: I didn’t mind the scenes in the fire house. I thought they established a real sense of normalcy before things get really weird. I also really liked the way the movie starts off with no opening credits, jumping right into the story, and reinforcing the idea that everything we see is the work of a television news crew.

MA: Back to the apartment building, which I said was ripe for some intense scares. It was, and some of the scares were intense, but I have to say, I had a very difficult time seeing things in this movie. The combination of darkness and quick hectic camera work, for me, severely hampered the thrills and chills in this movie. I wanted to see what was going on, but I had a difficult time doing so, and I found this to be a major distraction.

LS: I didn’t think it was a distraction at all. We see just enough in QUARANTINE to know what is going on, and enough to create some effective scares.

MA:  I guess your eyes are better than mine.

LS:   You’re the guy wearing glasses. Maybe it’s time for a new prescription.

MA:  You think so? (removes two Coke bottles from his eyes.) (Replaces them with Pepsi bottles.)

LS:  Hey, no product placement here!!

MA:  Too late. Damage done. Next time I’ll do generic.

Anyway, speaking of the camerawork, I’m not sure it worked in this movie. Whereas CLOVERFIELD did a brilliant job convincing the audience that the guy holding the camera should be holding the camera as opposed to dropping it and running for his life, I’m not so sure here. In this case, I think I would have dropped the camera and stopped filming long before the cameraman does in this film. In effect, he films the whole movie.

The difference here is setting. In CLOVERFIELD, the characters are running for their lives in the middle of New York City. One man isn’t going to make much of a difference against a gigantic monster stomping skyscrapers. But in QUARANTINE, the characters are in a small apartment building…

LS: It’s not that small! There are lots of places for monsters to hide.

MA:  It’s smaller than New York City, and there are less than a dozen people there. When things start going crazy, I think in this environment, you have to put the camera down and help out.

Now, this didn’t bother me a whole lot. I mean, the guy’s a journalist, so he’s doing his job. So, it’s not that it’s unbelievable or anything. It’s just that I didn’t buy the concept as much as I did in CLOVERFIELD. To me, human nature would take over, the instinct to help others and later simply to save oneself, those feelings would win out, and that camera would be history long before it is in this movie.

LS: None of this bothered me at all. I’ve seen real footage of cameramen filming a disaster scene and they make no effort to drop the camera and get involved. It worked for me.

MA:  True, but how many times have you seen real footage where the guy holding the camera continues to film when he himself is being attacked or chased?

LS: Actually, there is a scene where the cameraman uses his camera to bludgeon a zombie to death, so you’re wrong about him not helping out.

(There is a loud shriek. LS and MA turn to see several zombie-like creatures attacking a man with a camera. As the CAMERAMAN falls to the ground with the creatures gnawing at his arms and legs, he continues to film.)

MA (points):  See what I’m talking about?

LS (smiling): Neat! (Turns to MA) So, aren’t you going to help him out, Mr. Compassion?

MA (motioning for LS to go first):  Maniacs before gentlemen.

LS (laughs): But while there are obvious similarities between this movie and previous “movies from the point of view of a cameraman” (which are becoming a whole sub-genre of their own), I think the most apt comparison is with George Romero’s DIARY OF THE DEAD, which also shows us an attack by zombies from the POV of a cameraman. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that QUARANTINE is what DIARY should have been. I love Romero films, but DIARY seemed weak in a lot of ways as the characters scrambled from one location to another. In QUARANTINE, everything takes place in a building closed off from the outside world, which is ironically similar to Romero’s classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. This actually gives us a stronger sense of suspense. In DIARY, I also found myself really disliking several characters, but in QUARANTINE, there really wasn’t much time to hate anybody – everything happens so fast once we get inside the apartment building.

And before anyone says “But this isn’t a zombie movie,” in a lot of ways, QUARANTINE follows the zombie movie template, despite the origins of its “creatures.” Just like 28 DAYS LATER, which also had biological infection at its core, that movie and QUARANTINE fit the zombie movie mold to a “T.”

(Behind them, the bloodied CAMERAMAN has returned to his feet with his camera and is taking a group shot of the zombie creatures, which put their arms around each other and smile for the picture.)

CAMERAMAN:  Say “flesh.”

ZOMBIES (smiling):  Flesh!

(A flash goes off even though he’s holding a video camera.)

MA (addressing audience):  Hey, the gag works better with the flash. Creative license.

I was bothered much more by the darkness. Now, I know things were supposed to be dark, and that’s part of the fear factor here, but the bottom line was I really had a hard time seeing this movie, and that bugged me. I felt like I was missing a lot of the fun.

LS: Like I said, I had no problem with how it was filmed. I saw everything I needed to see.

MA:  Good for you. (walks into wall). (getting up from floor)  Turn some lights on in here!

LS:  I can see fine.

MA:  What, are you a bat?

LS (eyes glow red): Squeak, squeak.

MA:  Err….okay. Another thing I found annoying was all the sirens in the background. Throughout most of the film, there are constant sirens outside. Wouldn’t they have eventually stopped?  Wouldn’t there come a time when all the police and fire officials who were supposed to be on the scene arrived?  And once they arrived, wouldn’t they turn their sirens off?  You’d think so. Geesh!

LS: I guess it didn’t bother me at all, because after awhile I didn’t even notice the sirens.

MA: Anyway, there were things I liked in the movie. The last sequence in that strange attic room I thought was very creepy, and it was interesting, because the scenes preceding it were intense and action-packed, and suddenly, we’re in a room looking around in darkness.

LS: With the help of night vision, which looks nice and creepy.

MA: It was a change of pace, in that it gave you a chance to breathe, but as you did, you became cognizant that what you were looking at was bizarre and weird. The result was a chilling scenario. I was really into this final scene.

LS: I liked it a lot, too. And it fills in a lot of the holes about what’s going on.

MA: But then it was ruined because they showed the final—

LS:  Whoa!  Spoiler Alert!  (to audience) Skip the next three paragraphs if you don’t want to know this.

MA:  It’s not really a spoiler. The filmmakers are the ones who did the spoiling. Still, I guess your warning doesn’t hurt. Anyway, they showed the final scene of this movie in the trailer!  Half way through this movie, I’m thinking to myself, I bet that scene is the final scene of the movie. I hope it’s not. Well, it was. So, if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the end. To me, this ruined an otherwise scary ending. Shame on them!

LS: I was annoyed by this as well, and while I feel uncomfortable giving away a spoiler here, you’re right in that the trailer pretty much did that before we could.

MA: Damn right, they did. That being said, I wouldn’t tell folks not to see QUARANTINE because of this. It ruined the ending for me, but it didn’t ruin the movie.

LS: Agreed. (Holds up a sign that reads, “Spoiler Ends.”)

MA: Jennifer Carpenter as Angela was good in the lead role. We saw her a few years back in THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE (2005) as Emily Rose, and she was okay in that okay movie. She’s better here.

LS: Yeah, but even though I didn’t care much for EMILY ROSE (a movie we also did a Cinema Knife Fight for, back in 2005), I was impressed with Jennifer Carpenter even then. These days, she’s  better known as Debra Morgan, Dexter’s foul-mouthed cop sister on the Showtime series DEXTER. She’s great on that show, and she’s very good here, in a pivotal role. The movie revolves around her, and she’s definitely up for it. Carpenter shows she is more than capable of being the lead in a film. She also pretty hot, so I didn’t mind her being on screen a lot at all!

MA: I thought Jay Hernandez as Jake, the main fireman in the film who befriends Angela, was very good, too, as was Columbus Short as Danny, the policeman. Steve Harris played Scott, the cameraman. Harris used to be a regular on the David E. Kelley legal drama THE PRACTICE, a show which led to BOSTON LEGAL. Harris used to be excellent on THE PRACTICE. He’s good here, but the off-screen character, as written, is nowhere near as interesting or entertaining as the very likeable cameraman in CLOVERFIELD.

LS: For horror fans, Jay Hernandez also played Paxton in the HOSTEL movies, and his fellow fireman Fletch is played by Jonathan Schaech – an actor who played the killer in one of Michael’s favorite movies from earlier this year, PROM NIGHT.

MA:  Yes, but you’ll be happy to know I enjoyed QUARANTINE much more than PROM NIGHT. Can’t say the same about HOSTEL though. Compared to torture movies, PROM NIGHT is better.

LS (visibly irritated): Let’s save that argument for another time, since you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about.

MA:  I know exactly what I’m talking about. You just don’t agree with me.

LS:  Some people might be curious to know that Schaech has also co-written episodes of MASTERS OF HORROR and FEAR ITSELF with his writing partner, Richard Chizmar, who publishes the magazine CEMETERY DANCE.

MA: I thought the screenplay for QUARANTINE by John Erick Dowdle and Drew Dowdle was okay. Some of the dialogue was not as sharp as it could have been, especially in that beginning sequence at the fire station. The direction by John Erick Dowdle was sufficient, as there were plenty of intense moments, but I would have enjoyed his work more had I seen it more clearly.

LS: While I’m getting a bit tired of zombie movies these days, I have to admit that QUARANTINE worked for me. It moved quickly, with a good amount of suspense, and I sat there eager to see what would happen next. I guess the fact that I’m a hard sell on zombies at this point means QUARANTINE was a pretty good flick, to keep me on the edge of my seat throughout.

MA: All in all, I liked QUARANTINE. I think it could have been better, it could have been scarier, but it was a fun 90 minutes for me, and I think if you’re in the mood to be scared, and to have fun being scared, you won’t be disappointed. I recommend it, but don’t expect a classic.

LS: I enjoyed it, too. Perhaps a bit more than you did. And I agree, it’s not a classic. But for what it is, it’s a good time.

BLOODIED CAMERAMAN:  How about a picture?

MA and LS:  Sure. Why not?

MA (to CAMERAMAN):  Maybe you ought to have someone chewing on your leg. You seem to do your best work under duress.

(More ZOMBIES appear behind the CAMERAMAN and they are all growling and making menacing gestures.).

LS:  Smart move. Insult the monsters.

MA:  On second thought, let’s not stick around for that picture.

(LS and MA turn to flee but find bars on apartment windows. There are sounds of helicopters and sirens coming from outside.)

LS:  Now, what?

MA:  Let’s just walk off the set. (faces audience)  Creative license.

(Bright lights come on and MA and LS walk off the set. Before they get away, though, creatures leap upon MA and pull him to the floor. There is loud shrieking.)

LS (both hands holding his face): Omigod, they killed Michael! You bastards!

(Winks at camera) Don’t worry, kids. He’ll be back next time.

—END—

(Originally published on Fear Zone on 10/14/08)

© Copyright 2008 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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IGOR

Posted in 2008, Cinema Knife Fights, Kids Movies with tags , , , , on December 29, 2009 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: REVIEW OF THE MOVIE “IGOR” (2008)
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(FADE IN : the scene is the interior of a gothic castle. A mad scientist’s laboratory, to be precise.  L.L. SOARES  is hunched over with a pillow strapped to his back , beside a giant switch in the stone wall)

LS:  Now, master?

(Michael Arruda wakes from unconsciousness, stretched out on a slab. There are electrodes attached to his skull)

MA: Huh? What’s going on here?

LS (shouts): PULL THE SWITCH!

MA (breaks binds, leaps up, and shouts):  Pull the string!  Pull the string!  That’s a Bela Lugosi mad scientist line from the Ed Wood movie GLEN OR GLENDA (1953), and it’s more creative than anything you’ll find in IGOR.  (Lays back down and replaces electrodes and straps).  There.  Continue please.

(LS pulls the switch, electrocuting MA, who screams in agony)

LS: Ah, such music to my ears.(pulls switch back up) Okay, I guess that’s enough for now.

MA: What the hell are you doing to me?

LS: I’m torturing you for making me see the new animated film IGOR!

MA: Hey, that’s not my fault. You suggested we review this one.

LS: I know, but I can’t rightly torture myself, can I?

MA:  You could look in a mirror.

(LS zaps MA again).

MA (grins):  Whoa!  What a charge!

LS:  Sure, I suggested we review a kids’ movie for a funny change of pace. But I had no idea what I was in for. Surely you must have tricked me into this somehow.

MA: Heh, heh. (MA suddenly bursts from the straps and growls in a Bela Lugosi voice)  You’ve made me stronger!  Now, I talk in a real “Ygor” voice.

LS:  No one’s going to get these jokes, you know.

MA:  There are still Universal monster movie fans out there.

LS:  Um…Okay, so I guess it’s my turn to introduce the movie? Are you ready? Here goes:

IGOR is the new animated film by director Anthony Leondis (whose previous “masterpiece” was LILO AND STITCH 2, which I believe went straight to DVD). It takes place in the dreary city of Malaria, where it always rains. The king of Malaria is an insect-looking dude with a huge head called King Malbert (voiced by Jay Leno). You know you’re in trouble when Jay Leno is your leader.

MA:  Malbert is one ugly dude, looking like a cross between a Blue Meanie from The Beatles’ YELLOW SUBMARINE (1968) and one of the creatures from Disney/Pixar’s MONSTERS, INC (2001).

LS:  Yep, he’s almost as ugly as the real Jay Leno.

MA:  Hey, I like Jay Leno!

LS:  Figures.  Once Malaria was sunny and bright and populated by farmers, but the rains washed away all the crops. So the farmers were replaced by evil scientists who try to one-up each other in an annual “science fair” where they unleash their vile inventions. The worst of which is then used to threaten the outside world, who then pays Malaria not to unleash it. Kind of a variation on the whole “Weapons of Mass Destruction” thing.

It’s actually kind of a clever industry. A society based on evil science, though, has its own hierarchy. and here, the malformed and hunchbacked citizens make up the lowest echelon of that society, in the form of “Igors.” This is the servant class that serves the scientists in their experiments.

Igor (voiced by John Cusack) is a baby-faced Igor (since “Igor” is also the name of his profession) who works for the inept Dr. Glickenstein (John Cleese). Igor wants to be a scientist, but is cursed by his station in life to be a simple servant. However, when Glickenstein blows himself up during an experiment, Igor takes over the lab and goes about inventing something of his own – LIFE –  in the form of a monster named Eva (Molly Shannon). She’s huge and made up of big and little parts stitched together, and she wouldn’t hurt a fly, which makes her an awful evil weapon. So Igor goes about doing what he can to make her evil. In his quest, he is aided by Scamper (Steve Buscemi) a rabbit who Igor has made immortal, which is ironic because Scamper constantly tries to commit suicide, only to be regenerated again. Igor’s other assistant is Brain who is, basically, a brain in a jar with some robotic parts that help him move around (voiced by WILL AND GRACE’s  Sean Hayes, who I find annoying). Brain has the word “Brian” written across his jar because he is stupid and can’t spell. (laughs weakly).

MA:  BORING!!!  Not you, the plot.  Kill me, why don’t you!

LS:  That can be arranged.  But I’d rather torture you instead. And I’m not even done yet!

Eva is a big softie, but Igor is intent on making her evil so that he can rise from his lowly assistant position to one of fame and fortune as Malaria’s most evil scientist. Unfortunately, Igor himself is too nice a guy to try too hard to change her.

Eva draws the attention of another scientist, Dr. Shadenfreude (Eddie Izzard), who has made a living out of stealing the inventions of others, since he has no creativity of his own.  Shadenfreude seems like the lost cousin of Sigfried and Roy, and he’s one of the better characters here, which isn’t saying much. He, along with his evil girlfriend Jaclyn (Jennifer Coolidge) plan to steal Eva from Igor and use her as their entry in the evil science fair.

That’s the plot in a nutshell.

MA: Man, that’s one big nut! Why did you feel compelled to tell us all that?

LS:  Because I’m a friggin’ sadist, of course!

And the movie isn’t even as exciting as it sounds! I normally like John Cusack but he’s too nice and a bit of a sad sack here. Aside from Izzard, the real standout is the always great Buscemi as the suicidal rabbit. And Molly Shannon does a good job as the good giant monster Eva.

I didn’t expect to love this movie – and, guess what? I didn’t. But it wasn’t as awful as I expected, either. While the entire thing was predictable and sappy at times, it was easy enough to sit through and didn’t bore me to tears at least, so that makes it at least better than the remake of PROM NIGHT, which remains the worst movie I’ve seen this year.

MA (laughing):  It amazes me how much we disagree on the PROM NIGHT remake.  I enjoyed PROM NIGHT much more than IGOR. In fact, for me, PROM NIGHT’s one of the better horror movies of 2008.

LS:  (ignores him) IGOR is a decent enough flick for the kids (it’s rated PG, I guess because of the monsters and a few double entendres, but I see no reason why it couldn’t have been rated G). As for parents and other adults – you could do a lot worse. I know there must have been a lot worse animated films this year.

MA:  Such as?  Not that I’ve seen every animated movie this year, but I haven’t seen one I’ve liked less than IGOR.

LS:  It didn’t exactly make me wax nostalgic, since the things I watched when I was a kid – old Universal horror movies and decent kids’ movies – were way better than this. But it was tolerable at least. Keep in mind, though, that “tolerable” is not exactly a seal of approval. If you need to see this movie, wait to rent it on DVD.

So what do you think, Michael?

MA: I think your plot summary was much too long.  While it’s nicely done, very nicely done, I might add, it’s hardly worth it, providing this much detail for a movie that no one’s going to see.  Tolerable?  You’re being generous.  IGOR was horrible.

The first problem I have with this movie is why isn’t it spelled YGOR?

(MARTY FELDMAN pops out of the wall in a secret compartment)

MARTY: Because it’s spelled I-gor!

MA: Thank you, Mr. Feldman!  And he’s right, you don’t see the Igor spelling, pronounced “eye-gor” until Mel Brooks’ s YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974).  Ygor (pronounced “ee-gor”), is the correct spelling, and it’s been that way since Bela Lugosi initially starred in the role in SON OF FRANKENSTEIN (1939), the third of the Universal Frankenstein movies, and the last with Boris Karloff in the role of the monster.

You can call me a horror movie snob if you like, but that bugged me.

LS: God, if I call you anything, it would be “a most tedious fellow.” And you said I was boring!

MA: No, I said the movie’s plot was boring.  Are there any spare brains laying around here you could purchase for yourself?

(MARTY FELDMAN pops out of the wall again holding a brain in a jar labeled “Abby Normal.” A laugh track whoops it up.)

LS: What is this, an episode of LAUGH-IN?

MA:  Next, as a kids’ movie, IGOR doesn’t hold up.  I have two sons, and though they’re getting older now, through the years we’ve seen our share of computer-animated kids’ films.  Some are extremely well done and funny (SHREK, ICE AGE, BARNYARD ANIMALS), some are even modern day classics (TOY STORY 2), but most are simply OK (MADAGASCAR, OVER THE HEDGE).  Still, there have been a few that were downright awful, and I’m afraid I’d have to place IGOR in this category.

First and foremost, it’s simply not that funny.  The humor isn’t very sharp and most of the jokes don’t work.

LS: Wait a minute! You’re telling me this movie was supposed to be a comedy?!!

MA: Worst of all, it completely fails as a parody.  One of the things that made the SHREK movies so funny was the way they poked fun at fairy tales.  What the Shrek series did with well known characters like the Gingerbread Man and Pinocchio was absolutely hilarious, creating memorable scenes of laugh out loud comedy.

IGOR doesn’t even come close here, doesn’t even try.  There are really no “In” jokes from any characters from any of the old classic Frankenstein movies.  Not that most people today would get those jokes, but that brings me to another point— why?  I asked that question throughout this movie.  Why make it?  What’s the point of an Igor story?  It plays like a horror-themed kids’ movie written by someone with no knowledge of horror movies.  The film doesn’t even get the Igor character right.  The character is based on a cliché of a character, rather than an actual character.  It’s insulting to those of us who have watched these movies over the years.

LS: Listen “Mr. Kids’ Movie Expert,” do me a favor. The next time I ever suggest we review a horror-themed kids’ movie, hit me with a very large fish!

MA: Sure thing! And, for true laughs and a true Frankenstein parody, the champion remains Mel Brooks’s YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974), now a classic in its own right.

LS: You’ll get no argument from me, there.

MA: So, IGOR fails as both a kids’ computer-animated comedy and as a homage to the classic Universal horror movies.

As you would expect, I’m not against the idea of a kids’ horror movie, but I still haven’t seen one I really like yet.  Do you remember MAD MONSTER PARTY (1967)?  That was an animated feature length film by Rankin/Bass featuring the voice talents of Boris Karloff and (gulp!) Phyllis Diller.  I’ve always wanted to like this movie, but no matter how many times I’ve seen it, I still reach the same conclusion- it stinks.

LS: Aww, c’mon. You’re just a crab. MAD MONSTER PARTY is terrific. It’s a million times better than IGOR! And it’s got some great songs, like “It’s the Mummy!” (starts singing)

MA:   Oh please don’t say that.  Now I’m going to want to watch MAD MONSTER PARTY again to see if I like it.  Time to bust out the barf bags.

And while lots of folks enjoyed Tim Burton’s THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993) I didn’t like that one either.  So, I guess there’s still room out there for other attempts at this genre, if any filmmakers out there want to try.  I somewhat enjoyed MONSTER HOUSE (2006) a few years back, but that one was played straight, so it was a little different, and Disney/Pixar’s MONSTERS, INC. wasn’t bad either.

I agree with you about one of the best parts of the movie being Steve Buscemi as the suicidal rabbit.  By far, he was my favorite character.  Buscemi also lent his voice talents to the aforementioned MONSTER HOUSE and MONSTERS, INC., by the way.

(LS has fallen asleep against the wall and is snoring away)

MA (Hits LS over the head with a large fish, waking him up):  Hey, you asked for it.  I pretty much agree with all your points on this one, except I liked it even less than you did. So, now that we’re done, how about us switching places, and I get a turn pulling the switch?

LS:  Sure.

(LS straps himself onto the table and puts electrodes to his head.  MA hunches over and straps the pillow to his back)

MA:  Now, master?  (MA turns to the audience) And for the record, if we were sticking to the original 1931 FRANKENSTEIN, my name would be Fritz, not Ygor, and also for the record, I never called you master!  Hunchbacks didn’t start using the word “master” in a Frankenstein movie until J. Carrol Naish as Daniel in HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1944), so technically this movie should friggin’ be called DANIEL!

LS:  My God, will you shut up?

MA:  It’s alive!  It’s Alive!  IT’S ALIVE!!! (Produces lit cigar and places it in LS’s mouth)  Here, have a cigar.

LS: Gee, thanks! (puffs on cigar) Cigar, good!

MA:  Cigar very good!

(Cigar explodes in an animated blast of fire and smoke, leaving LS’s face covered in cinders.)

MA:  Very good, indeed.

LS (unseen from the smoke):  WHY YOU!! Wait til I get out of these straps….

MA: Oh, that reminds me.  PULL THE SWITCH!

(Electricity crackles, accompanied by screams, as we FADE TO BLACK)

—END—

(Originally published on Fear Zone on 9/25/08)

© Copyright 2009 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

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