Cinema Knife Fight Coming Attractions for SEPTEMBER 2012
CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS:
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
(The Scene: A carnival. MICHAEL ARRUDA & L.L. SOARES are standing in front of various trick mirrors that make them look incredibly short, amazingly tall, exceedingly fat, and with humongous oversized heads.)
LS: So, what’s with all the trick mirrors? (looks at his reflection which gives him a huge head.) Are you trying to tell me I have a big ego or something?
MA: Too obvious. No, these mirrors symbolize this September’s movies.
LS: How do you figure?
MA: Well, there seems to be a lot of deceit and trickery in this month’s movies, so I thought this carnival would be the perfect setting to have us tell the folks what we’ll be reviewing in September.
LS: Really? Well, there’s no trickery in the month’s first offering, THE IN-BETWEENERS, which opens on September 7. At least I don’t think so. It’s based on a British TV show, and is about four nerdy kids who will do anything to have sex while on vacation. It looks like it will try to push the envelope like the HANGOVER movies. I can’t really tell if it will be funny or just plain embarrassing. The teen protagonists look incredibly annoying.
MA: I like British humor, and I’m looking forward to this one. I’m just not sure how wide a release this one is getting, and so it may not be playing at a theater near me.
If this proves to be the case, I will most likely review something else, as there are a couple of other movies opening this weekend.
There’s THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY, a new thriller starring Henry Cavill, the star of IMMORTALS (2011) and the next Superman in next year’s MAN OF STEEL, as a young man whose family is kidnapped while they’re on vacation, and he learns that his father (Bruce Willis) works for the CIA. It doesn’t sound all that exciting to me, mostly because it doesn’t seem all that original.
The one thing that I am looking forward to regarding this one is that Sigourney Weaver is playing the villain, so that might be worth something.
It also has a pretty bad title.
The other film of interest that opens this weekend is the science fiction thriller BRANDED (2012), another conspiracy story, this one about a futuristic society in which people are deliberately brainwashed by product ads by an evil corporation, and one man’s attempts to buck the system and fight back. This one stars Max Von Sydow as the baddie. Could be good. Could be unoriginal and uninspiring.
LS: I remember seeing the trailer for that awhile back. Once again, a movie that might be in limited release. I think I’d rather see BRANDED over THE IN-BETWEENERS. But I guess it’s possible we might see neither the weekend of September 7th. I’m getting sick of movies only being in limited release. So it may be a surprise which ones we end up reviewing this weekend.
I wonder how many movies we’ve announced in COMING ATTRACTIONS that we said we were going to review, but never did because the movies never played anywhere near us.
MA: I’d say quite a few. It’s a pain.
On September 14, we’ll be reviewing the latest RESIDENT EVIL movie, RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION (2012). And it’s in 3D. Oh joy!
While I like the RESIDENT EVIL movies, I’m hardly excited by them. Why? I find their stories to be a bit of a bore. For instance, in this one, what do we have? We have Alice (Milla Jovovich) once again fighting the evil Umbrella Corporation. Ho hum.
Granted, Jovovich is very good in these movies, and she’s the main reason I like them, but she can only carry them so far. The trailer for this one makes it seem like a rip-off of TOTAL RECALL as it goes on about everything she ever knew in her life being fake, an implanted memory, blah blah blah.
It’s written and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. This is the third RESIDENT EVIL movie he’s directed, and he’s written all five of them.
LS: I remember liking the last one okay. That was in 3D, too. But it ended in such a blatantly obvious way—right in the middle of the story—that you knew a sequel was already in the works. Talk about flogging a dead horse. End this damn series already! It’s starting to get tedious. Even if I agree about Jovovich—she’s the only reason to see any of these movies—I really don’t understand why anyone continues to go see them.
MA: On September 21, I’ll be reviewing DREDD (2012) solo, since L.L. will have that weekend off. I can’t say that I’m looking forward to this one either, but it’s an action movie based on the comics’ character, so there’s hope for it I guess. And not to be outdone by RESIDENT EVIL, it’s also coming to us in 3D!
It stars Karl Urban as Judge Dredd, and I have to admit I’ve enjoyed this guy’s performances in recent years. He was excellent as Dr. McCoy in the J.J. Abrams reboot of STAR TREK (2009), and he was the only good thing in the awful horror movie PRIEST (2011) as he played the villain Black Hat. So, if he’s allowed to act and not just be a special effect in one fight scene after another, this one just could be good after all.
LS: I actually want to see DREDD, since the character (who originated in British comic book 2000 AD) is pretty cool. Unlike that lame Sylvester Stallone movie from the 80s. I bet you the new movie is a big improvement, if they stick to the source material. Maybe I’ll see it afterwards and provide a follow-up review to yours, if it’s worth seeing.
And then, on September 28, I’ll be reviewing LOOPER solo as it’s Michael’s turn to have the weekend off. This one could be interesting. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a hit man who kills people for the future who are sent back in time for elimination. But what happens when the guy he’s supposed to kill is an older version himself? With Bruce Willis as Levitt’s older self. This might be one time travel flick worth seeing. I hope.
MA: As much as I like time travel stories, based on the previews, this one doesn’t excite me, so I’m not unhappy I’ll be missing it. I do enjoy Bruce Willis though, who seems to be popping up in a new movie every couple of weeks these days! So maybe— maybe I’ll see this one afterwards and then write my own follow-up review to yours.
MA: So, that wraps things up for the month of September. Sadly, none of the movies this month do much for me.
LS: Yeah, it’s sounds like a mediocre month at the movies.
MA: Personally, I could be just as entertained by these goofy carnival mirrors. And I wouldn’t have to pay extra for 3D glasses!
LS: That’s just like you to suggest something boring and then think it’s fun! What are you going to do? Sit around here all day and watch people look at themselves in these mirrors? That’s creepy!
MA: No, what’s creepy is when someone looks into one of those mirrors and sees something they’re not expecting to see. Hmm. That gives me an idea. (whispers in LS’ ear.)
(CUT TO: Several little kids laughing at their images in the carnival mirrors, but when they get to the fourth mirror, they scream and run away. Camera reveals the mirror is missing, and in its place, in the center of the empty frame, stands LS in horror make-up with blood dripping from his lips. Camera pulls back to see MA wearing a top hat and speaking into a megaphone.)
MA: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and see the hideous monster in the mirror. More hideous than Freddy Krueger, scarier than a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie, one look and you’ll scream in terror! (aside to camera) We have to earn a living somehow!
© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda & L.L. Soares