CInema Knife Fight – Coming Attractions for AUGUST 2012
CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT – COMING ATTRACTIONS
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares
(THE SCENE: A room filled with futuristic contraptions. L.L. SOARES sits in a chair wearing a weird space-age apparatus on his head. MICHAEL ARRUDA enters.)
MA: What’s that on your head? Are you doing the Recall thing?
LS: Recall? Nah. I was just listening to music.
MA: I’ve never seen headphones like that before.
LS: It’s the latest thing: 3-D music.
MA: What’s 3-D music?
LS: Where the music jumps out at you, like this. (Lifts a guitar and smashes it over MA’s head.)
MA: Wow! I’ve never had music touch me so directly. It really resonates! Let me try. (puts on futuristic headphones and starts nodding his head to a beat. Picks up a tuba and conks LS on the head with it. The tuba breaks in half.)
LS: 3-D is overrated.
MA: Anyway, welcome everybody to our Coming Attractions column for August! We’re here in this hi-tech playroom because first up on our list of movies to review this month is TOTAL RECALL (2012), the remake of the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.
I remember liking the Schwarzenegger movie a lot, but I can’t say that I’m looking forward to this remake. You know, in general, I don’t have problems with remakes. I like to see different takes on the same story, but these days, there’s just too many of them! It’s ruining all the fun. I really don’t see the need for a remake of TOTAL RECALL, a movie that came out in 1990, just twenty-two years ago. I guess that’s a long time, but I don’t know, it doesn’t seem long enough.
This one stars Colin Farrell in the Arnold Schwarzenegger role. Farrell, if you remember, starred in the FRIGHT NIGHT remake which came out this time last year, and he more than held his own in that movie, which wasn’t half bad, and so perhaps there’s hope for this one after all.
Of course, it also stars Kate Beckinsale from the UNDERWORLD movies, Jessica Biel, and Bryan Cranston, so it’s got a decent cast. And the guy who directed it, Len Wiseman, directed some of the UNDERWORLD movies and also wrote them.
LS: I like Kate Beckinsdale a lot, but I’m not a fan of the UNDERWORLD series, so I don’t have high hopes for this one. The trailers look very bland. I have no clue why TOTAL RECALL needed a remake, either. Especially since there are other Philip K. Dick stories that have not been adapted for film yet, that they could have chosen instead.
I remember that the original RECALL was a lot of fun. I hope this one surprises us. Otherwise, it will be a long night at the movies.
(ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER enters, dressed as the Terminator.)
ARNOLD: I’m back.
MA: Good to see you, but you’re dressed for the wrong movie. TOTAL RECALL is being remade, not THE TERMINATOR. Not to worry though. You’re on the screen for real in THE EXPENDABLES 2, which we’re reviewing later this month.
ARNOLD: Oh goodie. I’m in a new movie. Perhaps I’ll have some new lines to say other than retreads of famous past ones.
LS: I wouldn’t bet on it.
MA: Ten to one you’ll say something like “I’ll be back” again.
ARNOLD: Damn! I need to start writing my own lines. I’ll go off and do that now. I’ll be back. Damn! I just said it again! (Exits in the midst of a conversation with himself).
MA: The following weekend, August 10, John Harvey will be filling in for us as he reviews THE BOURNE LEGACY (2012) as we shift from remakes to sequels.
I like the BOURNE movies and at first was disappointed that Matt Damon wouldn’t be appearing in this one, but I do like lead actor Jeremy Renner, seen recently in THE AVENGERS (2012) as Hawkeye. Edward Norton (the former Hulk) is also in the cast.
I’m looking forward to reading John Harvey’s review.
LS: Yeah, I like Jeremy Renner, too, and I’ve been following his career since he wowed us in THE HURT LOCKER (2008). I bet this one is okay, but I haven’t seen the previous BOURNE movies and I’m not really all that eager to. Besides, it will be nice to have a weekend off from going to the movies.
On August 17, we’ll be reviewing two movies I’ll be reviewing COSMOPOLIS (2012) – the new David Cronenberg movie starring Robert Pattinson – Edward himself from the TWILIGHT movies. This one should be interesting. I’m not sure how much of a genre film it is – it’s about a billionaire taking a drive across Manhattan to get a haircut, and the bizarre things that happen to him – but Cronenberg is an iconic director, and his teaming up with Pattinson might be fun. The two of them have already started work on their next movie together, so I guess they got along pretty well. COSMOPOLIS also stars Juliette Binoche and Paul Giamatti, so that’s promising…..
MA: ….And I’ll be reviewing THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) the star-studded testosterone-filled sequel to Sylvester Stallone’s action flick THE EXPENDABLES (2010). I enjoyed the first film but didn’t love it, as it fell short of the lofty expectations set by its exciting cast.
The sequel boasts an equally impressive ensemble of action stars, and includes Stallone, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren, among others.
(ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER re-enters the room, reading from piece of paper held closely in front of his face.)
ARNOLD (reading his freshly penned lines): I’m— here. I’m walking by in front of the camera, looking forward to shooting some bad guys. Have you seen any bad guys? (glares at MA & LS.)
MA: Don’t look at us. We’re just critics.
ARNOLD: Even worse! (turns towards exit) I’ll be—leaving now. Hasta la vista, boobies! (Exits)
MA: I don’t think he has a career in screenwriting.
LS: The boobies line worked for me.
MA: Back to THE EXPENDABLES 2, the first movie was a lot of fun and contained plenty of action, but it was done in by a very weak story that didn’t do its cast justice. A new set of writers are on board for the sequel, so that’s a good thing. Stallone also passed the directing duties (he directed the first one) on to Simon West.
LS: Sounds like I got the better movie to review, at least!
MA: On August 24, we’ll be reviewing THE APPARITION (2012) a new horror movie (finally!) about ghosts and paranormal research. The gimmick in this one is that the paranormal baddies are created by fear. If you believe in them and are afraid, they come to life, or as the tag line says, “Once you believe, you die.” It reminds me of the old William Castle/Vincent Price movie THE TINGLER (1959) which used a similar concept. In that one, people had to scream to kill the monster which had come to life through people’s fear.
This PG-13 thriller features a mostly young cast led by Ashley Greene, who plays Alice Cullen in the TWILIGHT movies. I can’t say that I’m impressed.
LS: Another TWILIGHT alumnus, oh boy! Seriously, it will be nice to finally see a new horror movie again. It’s been awhile. I just hope it’s not too awful. And we finish off August with another horror movie, on August 31, when we review THE POSSESSION (2012).
MA: Even though this one is “based on a true story,” I enjoyed its trailer, and as a result, I’m looking forward to it a bit more than THE APPARITION. On the other hand, I can’t say that I’m too excited about it. It looks like another standard ghost/possessed by an evil spirit story. Worse yet, its two screenwriters, Juliet Snowden and Stiles White, also wrote the screenplay for the god-awful BOOGEYMAN (2005). Ugh!
However, THE POSSESSION does feature Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the lead. Morgan as you might recall was excellent as the Comedian in WATCHMEN (2009).
Well, that wraps up August. It looks to be a less than stellar month, as it’s full of remakes, sequels, and potential bottom-of-the-barrel horror movies.
LS: Let’s get back to our 3-D music.
MA: Good idea. Okay folks, we’ll see you Monday with our review of TOTAL RECALL.
LS: Thanks for joining us for our August Coming Attractions column! See ya!
(LS & MA put on their futuristic head-sets. A heavy metal band jumps out from behind LS and begins to pummel MA with their guitars. MA rolls away, gets to his feet, and motions to a large marching band which stomps towards LS, attempting to knock him over and trample him. Marching band members and heavy metallers begin brawling in the street as the camera fades to black.)