QUICK CUTS: BATTLESHIP AND ATTACK OF THE BOARD GAMES!
With Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Garrett Cook, Daniel Keohane, Paul McMahon and Mark Onspaugh
MICHAEL ARRUDA: First, an apology. I know everyone and their grandmother are spouting their takes on the games-into-movies bit, since the new movie BATTLESHIP is being released this weekend with no apparent connection to the famous board game which shares its name.
That being said, remember, we’re Cinema Knife Fighters. We’re guaranteed to come at you from angles not seen anywhere else.
So, ready for QUICK CUTS?
We asked our panel of Cinema Knife Fighters to choose another famous board game and then come up with a pitch/synopsis for a movie sharing the same name. The catch is, like BATTLESHIP, it should have nothing to do with the game.
This is what our panel came up with:
MARK ONSPAUGH: The signals came from space – meaningless letters in a jumble – but
then, our top scientists decoded the message… S.C.R.A.B.B.L.E.!!!
Tonight, Terror gets a Triple-Word Score!!!
GARRETT COOK: OPERATION: THE MOVIE: A man, a woman and her son are abducted by a mysterious lunatic and given shock collars. They are forced to extract a series of objects from dead clowns. If they fail or make a misstep in their surgeries, electric shocks are administered. Can these innocent people escape this madman’s clown torture dungeon or will the butterflies in their stomach lead to the worst malady of all: DEATH????
PAUL MCMAHON: I came up with three.
A terrorist virus is unleashed on the streets of America which causes hallucinations and violent behavior. Army scientist Belle Delarosa (Reese Witherspoon) discovers the virus is spread when victims see the capital letter “E.” Can she and the reporter ensconced with her (Nick Cage) remove the letter from existence in time? Don’t miss M. Night Shyamalan’s newest thriller!
Seth Rogan stars as Donny Quixotic, an unemployed loser who inherits his dad’s popular “Pants Pocket Diner.” Being the owner gives him a chance with the hot hostess Aldonza (Jennifer Esposito), but puts him at odds with the kitchen boss, Sam Carras (Sean Ashmore). Donny’s increasingly desperate attempts to gain Aldonza’s affection are interrupted when swarms of mechanical ants stream out of the sink drains and begin to devour everyone in sight.
A disgruntled contortionist and magician gets tired of rude people and starts casting them into a magical blob-like world where they must live out their days with bones of jelly. A mixture of CGI animation and real-life action, written and directed by Zack Snyder!
MICHAEL ARRUDA: Here’s mine
BATTLING TOPS – two Hooters’ waitresses fight over the same man in this raunchy comedy.
ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM ROBOTS – a documentary of the presidential primary campaign.
LIFE – Six friends pile into a car and hit the road, carefree and full of possibilities, on a journey to see where life takes them. Some go to college, others go into business, all of them remain unemployed.
L.L. SOARES: And now it’s time for a special “Animals Attack” all-night grindhouse movie marathon, brought to you by Hasbro!
They start out living in your hair, but this mutant strain of head lice begins to grow out of control! No longer content with feeding off follicles, they begin to chew off entire human heads! WATCH as the disgusting beasts gobble up human brains and skeletons! SEE children fleeing their schools in abject horror. Will they be able to come up with bottles of RID big enough to handle these humungous parasites!!! Filmed in horrifying Cootie Color.
HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS
A new virus, created in a lab in deepest Africa, is accidentally released on the outside world. The nearby animals are affected, but none so much as the hippos, who suddenly become very aggressive, and acquire unquenchable appetites for human flesh! SEE what happens to a group of poachers out on an ivory expedition, as giant, unstoppable hippo jaws clamp down on them!! WATCH as unsuspecting tourists out on safari wriggle in agony as they’re gulped down by vicious hippopotami!! HEAR the screams of those doomed to an unnatural death!
ANTS IN THE PANTS
A new sexually transmitted disease involves the transmission of vicious fire ants that burrow beneath the skin around the groin! As immoral teens have sex at sleepaway camps, the ants are spread from camper to camper with horrifying results. Soon, everyone is scratching themselves in the most embarrassing of places. SEE fleshy boils erupting with hordes of death-dealing ants! WATCH as camp counselors scream and flail their limbs in agony!!
BARREL OF MONKEYS
A crusty old sea captain opens a barrel of grog, but instead of ale, the barrel is full of killer monkeys who take over his ship and kill everyone on board! As the death ship travels across the sea, it attacks all other ships it comes into contact with, as the monkeys loop arms to create a simian bridge between their ship and their victims! The apes reproduce at an alarming rate, with super intelligence and a taste for human blood. SEE the ships arrive at ports, where dockworkers have no clue what horrors await them, as the monkeys take over the earth! Whatever you do…..DON’T OPEN THAT BARREL!
DANIEL KEOHANE: The scene: four red cars screeching around a turn, pursued relentlessly by two green vans. On the next turn, one van sideswipes a car which careens off the road, tumbles down a convenient grassy hill and comes to rest at the edge of a large precipice, rocking back and forth precariously. The driver slowly turns to climb into the back seat to see Arnold Schwarzenegger walking from the van. Arnold stares through the back window at the hapless driver and says, “Sorry…” before kicking the car over the edge.
Cue explosion, then the words
explodes onto the screen.
“From the epic board game loved by generations. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hillary Swank, and Joe Pesci as the Yellow Player.”
Close up of Arnold’s face, removing his sunglasses. He smirks and says, “Apology accepted.”
This film has not yet been rated.
MICHAEL ARRUDA: And there you have it folks, our take on board games turned into movies. That’s it for now. On behalf of Mark Onspaugh, Garrett Cook, Paul McMahon, L.L. Soares and Daniel Keohane, I’m Michael Arruda. Thanks for joining us!
Good night everybody!
© Copyright 2012 by Michael Arruda, L.L. Soares, Mark Onspaugh, Garrett Cook, Paul McMahon and Daniel G. Keohane