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THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA

Posted in 2010, Aliens, B-Movies, Campy Movies, Daniel Keohane Reviews, Just Plain Fun with tags , , , , , , on August 31, 2010 by knifefighter

LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA (2001)
Review by Daniel G. Keohane

With the release of its sequel, THE LOST SKELETON RETURNS AGAIN (2010), I thought I’d give the original: THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA (2001), a quick once over before I cover the new film (coming soon to a CinemaKnifeFight.com column near you), seeing as how it’s one of the funniest movies I’ve had the pleasure to watch since AIRPLANE (1980). And, to be honest, I’m having a heck of a time getting my hands on a copy of the sequel (Hey, Netflix, what’s the scoop???). So while I scour the globe (I think there might be one Blockbuster left in Central Massachusetts….), let’s talk about the original.

Directed by Larry Blamire, THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA is a send up of the best (or worst, depending on your viewpoint) of the 1950s and 60s cheese-ball science fiction/radioactive monster movies. The best way to describe this: mix PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959) with THE CREEPING TERROR (1964), and for some insane reason do this on purpose, then have your immensely-talented cast play their parts as badly and/or over-the-top as possible, but do it all with an obvious love for the genre and the movie-making era to which the film pays homage, and you end up with a sentence which never, ever seems to end, but also a warm, funny movie.

SKELETON is filmed in glorious black and white (or “Skeletorama” as the DVD proudly proclaims) and looks so much like an old 50s movie, my kids – who laughed their butts off when they saw it – had a hard time believing it was less than ten years old. This is a movie for all ages. Younger viewers might not get many of the references, but it won’t dampen their obvious enjoyment of the film’s over-the-top goofiness, at least if my kids were any indication.

The story revolves around our hero, scientist Paul Armstrong (played by director Blamire) who is a man of science, with dreams of bettering mankind, through science. Dr. Armstrong is on a working vacation with his wife Betty (Fay Masterson). Betty, in proper dress and heels throughout, is looking forward to time alone with her husband, but her man is obsessed with finding a fallen meteorite and thus obtaining the rare element Atmosphereum, which – somehow – will better the world, through science. The word “science” is the only word used to describe what Dr. Paul Armstrong does for a living, nice and generic and very funny in how it’s delivered (over and over).

Others also search for the same element. Villain number one: Dr. Roger Fleming (Brian Howe), who needs Atmosphereum to bring to life the legendary Lost Skeleton, our second villain and for whom Roger he has been searching for his entire life. In order to repair their damaged spaceship, an endearing alien couple (from outer space): Kro-Bar and his wife Lattis (Andrew Parks and Susan McConnell), need the Atmosphereum. They also are trying to capture their pet monster which has escaped and is currently running amok in the canyon. More on him later…  To achieve both of their goals, Kro-Bar Lattis need to “blend in” with the humans, so as not to attract undue attention.

The three come together, along with a new character created by scientist Roger: he uses a special ray gun to combine four different woodland animals together into a woman he names Animala. His new “pet” is a purring vixen in black spandex and one of the strangest (though quite funny) characters in the film. Animala becomes the sixth member of one of the all time best dinner party scenes you’ll have the pleasure to witness, as Roger and Animala, Kro-bar and Lattis all try to steal Paul and Betty’s Atmosphereum sample for their own evil, and not-so-evil, purposes.

OK, so there’s also been a rash of “Horrible Mutilations” going on in the woods where our heroes are staying. Kro-Bar and Lattis’ escaped monster – a creature so horrible, so grotesque (and brilliantly conceived), the filmmakers spared us viewing it until the end of the movie because it’s simply too shocking to accept at first. Not to mention this wouldn’t also be a parody of old monster movies without the camera itself killing a few innocent bystanders early on.

The best part of this film, I think, are conversations between the characters. Aside from the dinner party scene, the best interchange comes early on between Dr. Paul Armstrong and Ranger Brad (Dan Conroy), who arrives at the cottage to warn the couple about the recent rash of “Horrible Mutilations.”

Never before would I think two of the funniest words in the annals of movie-making would be Horrible Mutilations. Life is good, if not surreal, sometimes.

Now, there is an evil Lost Skeleton. Once brought back to life, it controls Roger’s mind and makes him a slave to its evil will. I’m not sure who actually does its “voice,” but he’s perfect for it. To be honest, the Skeleton, title character or not, was my least favorite. I mean yes, could be because as a young child I had this recurring nightmare of an evil red skeleton chasing me into the Bat Cave. I would hide under the Batmobile as a red glow came slowly down the bat poles, as the skeleton came lower and lower and closer and  closer….

(Shudder)

Anyway, skeletons in movies back then obviously frightened me (not to mention the “something is not right here” humor of comedian Red Skelton), and many others of my generation… which is why this skeleton is perfect. Especially in the scenes when it rises on almost-invisible strings, or marches through the landscape filmed only from the waste up for obvious reasons (someone was carrying it).

For a movie that sets out to be as imperfect as possible, and do it as perfectly as possible, there is one imperfection I should point out. This joyous, goofy movie made me laugh out loud every time I’ve seen it, but there is a point where I simply stop laughing. The last quarter of the film seems to drag on a little long. As if Blamire wanted to achieve a certain length film and stretched out the final scenes to make it fit. It could also be that by that point in the movie I was simply tired of laughing so friggin’ much. The first three quarters of THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA truly are that funny, if you watch it in the right mindset.

As a nod to the cast and crew, no matter how much you enjoy this movie, it probably pales compared to how much they seemed to enjoy making it. As stilted and wooden as they portrayed their characters, the cast could not hide from us the sheer joy they seemed to have in making LOST SKELETON – even the skeleton itself seems to grin and wink at the audience. So rent this film, turn off your brain and let it be what it is, a funny, loving homage to a classic film style we simply don’t get much of these days. (Maybe that’s a good thing, but after seeing this movie, I think perhaps not.)

© Copyright 2010 by Daniel G. Keohane

The Lost Skeleton lost 160 pounds to add authenticity to his role.


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THE LAST EXORCISM

Posted in 2010, Cinema Knife Fights, Demons, Exorcism Movies with tags , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2010 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE LAST EXORCISM
by L.L. Soares and Nick Cato

(THE SCENE – A barn behind a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Inside the barn, a girl wearing a nightgown thrashes about on the ground. L.L. SOARES is doing his best to perform an exorcism)

LS: Come on, let her go, you silly demon. I’ll even take you out for a drink.

DEMON VOICE: I dunno. I like it in here.

(Suddenly, NICK CATO enters the barn)

LS: What are you doing here? I was waiting for Michael.

NC: He couldn’t make it. He asked me to come help you instead.

LS: What a wimp. I bet you he was too scared to show up. To look the devil right in the eye.

NC: MAN, is this collar tight -how do you guys wear these things?

LS: What? I didn’t even notice. I was too busy going toe-to-toe with Satan.

DEMON VOICE: Why are you guys always trying to ruin my fun?

NC: Oh crap!  (Nick takes off his Catholic priest outfit and throws on a three-piece suit).  I forgot someone finally decided to do this from a Protestant viewpoint!  Now we’re REALLY gonna ruin your fun, you horny lil’ devil!

(The girl twists around at an impossible angle)

DEMON VOICE: You can’t catch me. Nyah nyah.

LS: Oh, playing hard to get are you? Well, while we wait for you to come to your senses, I’ll start this week’s review.

THE LAST EXORCISM is the latest in a long line of movies that basically grab the premise of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999), and run in a different direction with it. Where BLAIR WITCH was about a witch in the woods, we also got PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2008) about ghosts or demons inhabiting a couple’s home, and bigger budget variations like CLOVERFIELD (2008), where 20-somethings videotaped a giant monster stomping through Manhattan and THE FOURTH KIND (2009), where aliens got the fake documentary treatment. This is becoming a genre all its own, The funny thing is, I’ve liked all of these movies to varying degrees. So it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Considering how many people have ripped off the concept, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT was something of a milestone in horror cinema. Even if I did find the characters really annoying. The thing that I found interesting about THE LAST EXORCISM is that, for the most part, the characters were pretty good. If they weren’t all likeable, they were at least all interesting.

So the concept this time around is that Reverend Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian – and yes, the reference to the historical figure Cotton Mather – from the Salem witch trials – is hereby noted), a charismatic evangelical preacher, goes around performing exorcisms. The more we get to know Marcus, though, the most interesting he is. He has been a preacher – and a very successful one – since he was a child. But now, as an adult who has been doing this for a long time now – he feels that he is just going through the motions. Preaching is something he’s good at, and it pays the bills, but his heart just isn’t in it anymore. He’s a smart, likable character, and I took to him right away. Early on, the movie seems to be a documentary about Rev. Marcus. But then he starts to explain about the exorcism thing, and how exorcism is something that older generations of his family had done through the ages. He’s just carrying on the tradition. Except he doesn’t really believe in what he’s doing. He thinks that, by going through the motions of the ritual, he helps people with psychological problems – people who really believe they are possessed – get some closure and healing. In fact, he rigs a lot of the shaking beds and moving picture frames to go along with his performance. He’s almost a con-man of sorts, except he really does believe he’s doing a good thing—that just happens to pay well.

(GIRL begins to growl in DEMON’s voice)

LS: Excuse me, do you want something?

DEMON VOICE: I want a cheese sandwich.

LS: Well, wait a minute, will you. We’re doing a movie review.

So, for the sake of the documentary, Cotton picks a random letter from a pile (he gets them all the time) and decides to answer it. In so doing, he takes the film crew down to New Orleans to farm of the Sweetzer family.

The Sweetzers are god-fearing folks, and someone has been mutilating Louis Sweetzer (Louis Herthum)’s cattle. The mornings after an animal attack, Louis finds his daughter Nell (Ashley Bell) covered in blood. But she has no recollection how the blood got there. Louis is convinced she is possessed by the devil, which is why he wrote to Cotton for help.

Cotton goes along with it and performs a ceremony to rid Nell of her demon. Except…well…things only get worse after he’s done.

NC: I was quite taken with the character of Cotton Marcus.  I liked the angle this film took with him as an exorcist: here’s a man who knows how to go through the rituals as a vocation, but just doesn’t have a genuine conviction to be a member of the clergy, and even admits to not believing in demons.  What made the character work was the great portrayal by Patrick Fabian, and what kept my interest throughout the entire running time were the fine performances by everyone involved.  The producers get an “atta-boy” here for finding a spot-on, believable cast.

LS: Yeah, I liked this movie a lot, and a big part of it was the casting.

NC: Is there an echo in this barn?  (Takes his tie off)

LS: As I said before, Patrick Fabian is terrific as Cotton Marcus. He’s a very familiar face —you’ll definitely wonder where you’ve seen him before—and the answer is he’s been on lots of TV shows. I figured I must have noticed him most from the shows VERONICA MARS and JOAN OF ARCADIA, where he had recurring roles. And this familiarity actually works in the movie’s favor. For me, it made me trust him sooner than I would have otherwise, and pulled me into the story right away. And even though his ethics are questionable, I found Cotton to be a very intriguing, charismatic character, and I willingly went along for the ride to see what he would do next.

Another terrific performance is given by Ashley Bell as Nell. At first she is very innocent and seems heart-breakingly genuine. And of course, as the possession storyline goes along, we see other sides to her. I thought Bell was convincing throughout and turned in a fine acting job.

NC: And she looked quite cool (for a possessed chick) in the red Doc Martins!

LS: Yes, she did.

(GIRL stands up and goes over to them as they talk. She looks at them quizzically)

DEMON VOICE: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?? You’re supposed to be paying attention to me! I’m the demon here. Aren’t you going to try to force me to release this girl?

LS (pushes girl down on the ground): How rude! Can’t you see we’re discussing something here? Wait your turn.

As I was saying, the rest of the cast is very good as well, including Louis Herthum as Nell’s father, and Caleb Landry Jones as her brother Caleb, down to smaller roles like Cotton’s movie crew and the other denizens of the Louisiana town where the Sweetzers’ reside.

I thought the movie was very well directed by Daniel Stamm, and there were times when the suspense got pretty intense. For the most part I really enjoyed this movie, even if it did seem a little too close to the BLAIR WITCH mold at times. The only thing that didn’t really work for me was the “twist” ending. I think it took some of the suspense out of the movie and took things in a slightly silly direction, where, if they’d just kept going the way they were, things could have gotten more and more tension-filled.

NC: A lot of people are going to hate this ending, but what the Reverend does during it made the whole thing work for me (at least on a religious level).

LS: I also think that the PG-13 rating held things back a bit. When I think of an exorcism movie, I think of demons really pushing the boundaries. I think of defilement. I think of blasphemy, and those things are very limited when you impose a PG-13 rating on them. This movie could have been even more intense, and a lot scarier, if it had been allowed to push the envelope a bit more. As is, it’s very effective despite its limitations, but it doesn’t come anywhere close to being as scary as the king of all exorcism movies, THE EXORCIST (1973).

(Girl jumps up and down, yelling)

DEMON VOICE: What about ME?  You’re here to confront me! I demand your undivided attention!

LS: Yeah, yeah. Wait til we’re done with the review, okay?

So, what did you think of it, Nick?

NC: For starters I think the PG-13 rating actually helped this one.  By not showing much of what could have been shown (nudity, mutilated bodies), the director forces the viewer to come up with their own visions of what’s happening (which might be a task for younger viewers growing up in the age of CGI).  And by not going over the top with the visuals, THE LAST EXORCISM rose above some of the more cheesy exorcism films such as THE TEMPTER (1974) and EXORCISMO (1975).

As a fan of religious horror, I was (again) surprised by how Reverend Marcus was handled.  His journey from latent con-man to someone wanting to help others to genuine spiritual warrior sends an important message to those in the ministry who might be playing games with their “job.”  While a bit BLAIR WITCH-ish, what becomes of the Reverend during the final minutes gripped me, and made me cheer inside.  I was a bit surprised how many people left the theater complaining about the ending.  Apparently the idea of redemption was too much of a stretch for them to grasp, or accept.

LS: I’m a big fan of exorcist movies as well, and while you’re right that there are a lot of cheesy ones, those are also—for the most part—a lot of fun. But you’re also right that this one plays it completely straight and does a very good job with the concept.

The reason why I didn’t like the ending was because I thought it strayed from the possession build-up we’d been experiencing the whole time and went in a different direction, which didn’t seem as powerful to me, and it defused a lot of the suspense that had been building for me. I wanted to see a big pay-off to the possession/exorcism struggle, and instead we get a narrative shift that didn’t completely work for me. Although, I must admit, the ending is foreshadowed in a very spooky scene long before it actually takes place.

NC: Another big plus here was how the possessed girl, Nell Sweetzer, kept me guessing: was she actually possessed, was she the victim of parental/religious abuse, or was it a combination of the two?  This guessing is why the ending worked for me—you had no idea where they were going with it.  It was refreshing to see a possessed, teenaged girl not remind me of Linda Blair’s classic role (although she does barf early on—and not in an over-the-top pea soup manner).   I also got a real kick out of Pastor Manley, who leads the church the Sweetzer family used to attend.  Toward the ending he reminded me a bit of Ernest Borgnine, something I’m pretty sure wasn’t accidental.

LS: I dunno, I really enjoyed it until the last ten minutes or so. And I didn’t even really hate the ending, I just think it could have been a lot scarier. So, at first, I was on the fence about how many knives to give it. But you’ve reminded me about a lot of the things I really liked about this movie.

NC: The shaky BLAIR WITCH camera thing was done pretty steady (until the final minutes), and I’m just going to have to accept this style of filmmaking is here to stay.  THE LAST EXORCISM gets a solid three knives from me.  It’s a fine blend of old-school occult horror and new-school filmmaking; it’s just about everything the way overrated THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009) tried to be.

LS: Funny you should mention HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, because I saw several similarities between the two. Not that the movies are that much alike—stylistically, they’re polar opposites—but they deal with similar ideas. And I think that THE LAST EXORCISM is the superior movie in every way. Despite my reservations about the ending, I can’t just dismiss everything that led up to it, and frankly, the rest of the movie is top-notch. I guess I have to give it a solid three knives as well. Patrick Fabian alone earns it with his layered, strong performance.

(LS turns to face the GIRL, who is vomiting on the hay-strewn floor)

LS: Okay, we’re done. Now what did you want, you annoying demon?

DEMON VOICE: I can’t believe you two kept ignoring me! I can’t stand that! I’m going to go torment someone else.

(DEMON leaves GIRL’s body, leaving her sobbing on the barn floor)

LS: Well, it looks like another successful exorcism. That will be five hundred dollars.

(FARMER steps forward from the shadows)

FARMER: But I don’t have that much money.

LS: Well give me two hogs and a steer, then. It’s just about lunchtime.

NC (looks down at hog humping his leg): I don’t know about this hog, LL. I think the demon went into it.  Either that or the thing hasn’t been laid in months (NC kicks the hog off his leg).  Hey, what am I going to get?

LS: You know you should really talk to Michael Arruda about that, since you’re filling in for him.

NC: I won’t hold my breath.

(LS suddenly runs out of the building and disappears into the night)

-END-

© Copyright 2010 by L.L. Soares and Nick Cato


L.L. Soares gave THE LAST EXORCISM – 3 knives


Nick Cato gave THE LAST EXORCISM – 3 knives, too!


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MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – RESPONSE # 4

Posted in 2010, Monstrous Question of the Month, Sexy Stars with tags , , , , , , on August 27, 2010 by knifefighter

THE MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – AUGUST 2010
(Questions Provided by Michael Arruda)

THIS MONTH’S QUESTION:
Who gets your vote for the hottest, sexiest performance by an actor – male or female – in a horror film?

RESPONSE # 4—MICHAEL ARRUDA:

I’d have to go with Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST (1973).  When her head completes that 360 degree turn— just kidding.

I’ve already written how sexy a performance Frances Dee delivered in I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE (1943).  She is incredibly sexy, and her performance is well worth checking out.  Consider her an honorable mention.

Sexy pose by 1930s beauty Helen Chandler

Another honorable mention is an actress I’d overlooked for years, and that would be Helen Chandler in DRACULA (1931).  She played Mina, and there is something very sexy about Chandler.  If you pay close attention to her, and granted this is sometimes difficult since she shares screen time with the powerful presences of both Bela Lugosi and Edward Van Sloan, you’ll see in her eyes an exuberance, an energy, a love of life, and this energy is made all the more sexy because of the tragedy of what’s to come, that her world is about to be crushed by the evil of Dracula.

Now, this just might be me projecting what I know about Chandler’s real life, as her life after DRACULA was sad and full of tragedy, and it didn’t end well.  I don’t know, but I do know, that if you watch her closely in DRACULA, you’ll see a woman with a charged sexuality just waiting to burst out from the confines of a 1930s Hollywood production.  I wouldn’t mind being Bela Lugosi sneaking into her bedroom!

But my number one pick for the hottest, sexiest performance by an actress in a horror movie would have to be Britt Ekland in the 1973 version of THE WICKER MAN starring Christopher Lee.  When she comes on to Edward Woodward, oh – my – God!  Her nude “siren song” where she tries from the adjoining room to seduce Woodward’s Puritan butt onto hers, is one of the hottest scenes going.  I’m shaking right now.  Sure, when she spanks her own bare butt, it’s not Ekland, but a body double, but ask me if I care?  Sizzle!

The beautiful Britt Eckland heats up THE WICKER MAN

Britt Ekland in THE WICKER MAN is my pick for the hottest performance in a horror movie, as her nude siren song is enough to steam a room.  Excuse me while I defog my glasses.

—END—

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MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – RESPONSE # 3

Posted in 2010, Monstrous Question of the Month, Sexy Stars with tags , , , , on August 27, 2010 by knifefighter

THE MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – AUGUST 2010
(Questions Provided by Michael Arruda)

THIS MONTH’S QUESTION:
Who gets your vote for the hottest, sexiest performance by an actor -male or female -in a horror film?

RESPONSE # 3—CRAIG SHAW GARDNER:


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So, I gotta go with Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon in THE HUNGER (1983).

Ohh!!  The lingerie!

Interestingly, Deneuve also appeared in one of the great “anti-erotic” roles of all time as the troubled young woman in Roman Polanski’s REPULSION (1965).

Iconic beauty Catherine Deneuve, star of THE HUNGER

—END—


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MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – RESPONSE # 2

Posted in 2010, Monstrous Question of the Month, Sexy Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2010 by knifefighter

THE MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – AUGUST 2010
(Questions Provided by Michael Arruda)

THIS MONTH’S QUESTION:
Who gets your vote for the hottest, sexiest performance by an actor—male or female—in a horror film?

RESPONSE # 2—L.L. SOARES:

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As usual, it’s hard for me to list just one. Here are the four that came immediately to mind:

BARBARA CRAMPTON in RE-ANIMATOR (1985)

Not only is Ms. Crampton beautiful and sexy in Stuart Gordon’s classic H.P. Lovecraft adaptation, RE-ANIMATOR, but she’s also not shy about doing a great nude scene. The scene where her Megan Halsey is tied to a lab table, naked and spread eagle, and David Gale’s decapitated Dr. Carl Hill’s severed head asks her if she ever “got a little head before” remains one of the most memorable dark-humored (yet sexy) scenes in modern horror.

Eihi Shiina is sexy and sadistic in Miike's AUDITION

EIHI SHIINA in AUDITION (1999)

Another classic film, this time from director Takashi Miike, features Eihi Shiina as a shy actress who turns out to be a vicious psychopath. Still, Eihi is plenty hot during the scene where her Asami tortures Ryo Ishibashi with long needles. No one says “kitty, kitty kitty” quite the same way (well, that’s what it sounds like!). One of the few times an actress has made torture seem erotic.

DELPHINE SEYRIG and DANIELLE QUIMET in DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971)

There are a lot of female vampire movies that I could have listed here. From Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon in THE HUNGER (1983) to several Hammer films, to the many erotic vampire films of directors like Jess Franco and, especially, the legendary Jean Rollin. But this one’s extra special. In director Henry Kumel’s classic, Seyrig’s Countess Bathory and Quimet’s Valerie not only generate sparks as vampire lovers, but this is also one helluva great vampire movie.

The ever-sexy Asia Argento

ASIA ARGENTO, in almost anything.

One of the sexiest actresses in genre films today, there is something undeniably sensual about Asia Argento. In numerous movies, from horror films like THE STENDAHL SYNDROME (1996), LAND OF THE DEAD (2005) and MOTHER OF TEARS (2007), to non-horror roles like the ones in B. MONKEY (1998) and the films she has directed, THE SCARLET  DIVA (2000) and THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS (2004), she has proven her ability to turn up the heat with ease.

—END—

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MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – AUGUST 2010

Posted in 2010, Monstrous Question of the Month, Sexy Stars with tags , , on August 25, 2010 by knifefighter

THE MONSTROUS QUESTION OF THE MONTH – AUGUST
RESPONSE # 1
(Questions Provided by Michael Arruda)


It sure is hot in August!  And humid, and sweaty, and— sultry.

With that in mind, here’s this month’s Monstrous Question:  Who gets your vote for the hottest, sexiest performance by an actor—male or female—in a horror film?

RESPONSE # 1 – NICK CATO:


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In the 1980s, I was a HUGE fan of B-movie actress Michelle Bauer.  In some films she’s billed as Michelle McLellan.  And as Michelle McLellan, she starred in the campy, 1988 direct-to-video classic HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS as “Mercedes,” one of the main hookers in the Gunnar Hansen-led chainsaw worshipping cult (oh yes…this one was destined to for greatness right from its inception).

Michelle Bauer in HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS

In one unforgettable sequence that combines horror and sexy to the max, Mercedes takes a john back to her room.  After she disrobes, she covers her Elvis shrine in plastic, then revs up her chainsaw and cuts the poor bastard to pieces.  As the blood splashes all over the room (and herself), Michelle Bauer has the most wicked grin I’ve ever seen committed to film…and in the process became the hottest villain ever to grace an exploitation feature.

Director Fred Olen Ray may be no genius, but he knew how to repulse and turn on teenage horror fans at the same time like few others.  When (then) scream queen great Linnea Quigley gets overshadowed in her own film, you know Michelle was playing for keeps!

—END—

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VAMPIRES SUCK

Posted in 2010, Colleen Wanglund Reviews, Parodies, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 24, 2010 by knifefighter

VAMPIRES SUCK (AND SO DOES THIS MOVIE)
Review by Colleen Wanglund

Written and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who also gave us DISASTER MOVIE (2008), MEET THE SPARTANS (2008), and SCARY MOVIE (2000) (and all of its sequels), VAMPIRES SUCK is a movie spoof of TWILIGHT (2008) and NEW MOON (2009).  I’m not usually one for spoof movies (although I thought AIRPLANE! {1980} was hysterical) but I was apparently the only one brave enough here at CinemaKnifeFight.com to see it.  I decided to take my daughter Darlene with me because, unlike me, she has seen the movies it spoofs.  Needless to say, each of us came away with a different take on VAMPIRES SUCK.  She liked it more than I did.

For those of you who have never seen TWILIGHT (2008) or NEW MOON (2009), they’re basically teen angst/romance stories with vampires and werewolves thrown in.  Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington where she meets Edward Cullen, the vampire and Jacob Black, the werewolf.  She falls in love with Edward who later decides they can’t be together and Jacob falls in love with her and Bella basically says sorry but no.  Bella is attacked by a vampire in TWILIGHT and Edward saves her.  Bella is attacked by another vampire in NEW MOON and Jacob saves her.  Bella starts to pursue some self-destructive behavior to get Edward’s attention, after he leaves her.  At some point, Edward thinks Bella has died and so he decides he doesn’t want to live anymore.  He goes to Italy to “expose” himself to the world, so the other vampires will kill him.  Bella shows up at the last minute to save him.  There you go—two movies’ worth of teen angst and romance trying to also pass itself off as horror—in a nutshell.  Did I mention that I wouldn’t even give the original movies (or books) a peek?

Now for the movie I actually saw.

In VAMPIRES SUCK, Becca Crane moves to Sporks, Washington where she meets Edward Sullen and Jacob White.  Becca falls in love with Edward, but then decides they can’t be together.  Jacob falls in love with Becca, but she tells him sorry but no.  Basically the same as above, but full of jokes—mostly lame ones.  There are the obvious jokes about how Edward looks—the white skin, the hair, the clothes—with Becca referring to Edward’s look at one point as “heroin chic”.  When we first see Edward he’s got a powder compact in his hands.  There are also the obvious jokes about Jacob being a werewolf—he chases cats, has a tail hanging out of his jeans, and a very hairy chest.  The more mature members of Jacob’s pack show up to help him save Becca and do a song and dance number that reminded me of the old Chippendale dancers.  No one actually changes into a werewolf.  The scenes with Becca’s father Frank were not funny and almost uncomfortable to watch.  Upon bringing Becca home from the airport Frank tells her he kept her room the same as she left it (she lived with her mother in Nevada).  He opens the door and there is a crib and the bedroom is full of all kinds of dolls including Dad’s blow-up sex doll.  That scene came after her father commented on how grown up Becca is by pointing out her breast size.  Other lame jokes include Frank (the sheriff) using Jacob as a bloodhound to track a killer through the woods after a fisherman ends up dead, and Becca’s paper cut turning into a full on bleeder in front of Edward’s family (also vampires).  I believe the line was “I think I hit an artery.”  There’s also a scene where Becca is walking to her truck parked by “dangerous” bikers and she imagines Edward telling her that they’re dangerous, and she gets an empty beer can to the head…boring.  There’s also a very tasteless scene where Becca takes off her nightgown and is wearing a black pleather light-up bra and panties, complete with garters and black stockings.

What I liked about VAMPIRES SUCK are the three young stars.  Jenn Proske plays Becca Crane and plays her exactly like Kristin Stewart’s character Bella in the TWILIGHT films.  She had her mannerisms down to a tee; all of the ticks, over-blinking eyes, fluttery lips, and constantly pushing her hair behind her ear.  Jenn Proske didn’t need to exaggerate anything.  She was completely annoying and she was great at it!  Matt Lanter was quite funny as the sparkly Edward, exaggerating his Emo style without going too overboard.  The scenes where he’s riding a Segway were quite amusing. Chris Riggi was just as funny as Jacob, who is somewhat serious in the TWILIGHT movies but played it off here with the right amount comedy.  I found myself actually laughing the first time Jacob saw a cat and darted after it.  The writers had him as more of a dog than a werewolf….almost like a cute little puppy.  I also enjoyed seeing the tweens wearing Team Edward or Team Jacob tee shirts beating the crap out of each other with shovels and two by fours during the high school prom, which is where the climax of the spoof takes place.  The prom’s theme is vampires, and it’s meant to mimic the Saint Salvatore festival in Italy where the actual NEW MOON climax takes place.  There’s a song that Becca listens to on her iPod that is basically an Emo teen’s mantra—“my life is awful, I’m so depressed, why can’t I have an alternative boyfriend?—“it was so good they should put it on iTunes.

Darlene’s take on VAMPIRES SUCK was a bit different than mine.  I heard her laughing a bit more than I did.  She thought it was pretty funny, but not hilarious.  Darlene thinks you should see TWILIGHT and NEW MOON to really get the jokes in this spoof.  She points out a quote by Becca early in the movie that Darlene says describes Bella, the original character exactly—“I’m boring, have no real personality and yet every hot guy loves me.”  As far as the actors go, Darlene agrees with me about Jenn Proske—thinks she’s even better than Kristen Stewart.  She thought Matt Lanter was just like Edward with the comedic twist, and that Chris Riggi as Jacob “was cute.”  My other daughter Erica said the only purpose for Jacob in the original movies WAS to be cute.  My girls were on opposite sides of the “Edward or Jacob” argument at one time.

This was not a movie I would have gone to see on my own.  I really did take a bullet for the team on this one.  As Darlene said, you should probably have seen the TWILIGHT movies to get all of the jokes in VAMPIRES SUCK.  I didn’t see them (thankfully) and thought the movie overall was pretty lame.  I will say, though that I’m very picky when it comes to comedy.  I grew up on Monty Python, the Three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, Abbott and Costello, and Mel Brooks films, so I can be pretty hard to please.   One big plus for me, however was seeing Dave Foley from the old KIDS IN THE HALL comedy sketch show as the school’s principal.  Did I mention that the school’s sports teams were the Bloodsuckers?  Eh, it wasn’t that funny.  I thought the young kids sitting a few rows behind me were funnier.  They were just giggling their asses off through the whole movie.  I was surprised that there were young kids there.  Between some of the jokes and the final words of the film (involving the F word) I’m at a loss to explain how VAMPIRE SUCKS got a PG-13 rating.  At least I only paid the matinee price—although nowadays it isn’t all that much cheaper, is it?  I’ll remember this one guys.

This is one movie you can skip.

© Copyright 2010 by Colleen Wanglund

6 Comments »

PIRANHA 3D

Posted in 2010, 3-D, Animals Attack, Campy Movies, Cinema Knife Fights, Gore! with tags , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2010 by knifefighter

CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: PIRANHA 3D
by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

(THE SCENE: a peaceful dock on the water. L.L SOARES sits at the end of the dock, his feet dangling in the water, holding a fishing pole. MICHAEL ARRUDA walks down to him)

MA: You’re actually using a fishing pole?  I thought you used your teeth.

LS: The pole’s just for show.

(LS dives into water. MA looks on as there is thrashing and splashing, and the water turns blood red. LS resurfaces with a half-eaten fish dangling from his mouth, and climbs back onto the dock, covered in blood.)

MA:  That’s a lot of blood for one fish.

LS:  One fish?  I snacked on an entire school of fish, baby!  I was hungry!

MA:  You’re a regular human piranha. Speaking of piranhas—-.

LS:  We’re reviewing PIRANHA 3D!!  I’ll start this one.

MA:  You might want to brush your teeth first.

LS (swallows half-eaten fish):  Nah, I’m good. PIRANHA 3D is a simple enough tale. One day an underwater earthquake opens up a fissure at the bottom of the ocean, unleashing prehistoric piranha fish from their subterranean home. When this first happens, we’re treated to a brief appearance by Richard Dreyfuss as a grumpy old fisherman who gets caught up in a maelstrom. His presence at the beginning is an obvious homage to the king of all monster fish movies, JAWS (1975).

MA:  Yes, Dreyfuss’s cameo was certainly one of the film’s highlights. In fact, it’s probably the best thing going for this ding dong of a movie. Not only does Dreyfuss make an appearance, but while on his boat he’s singing the same song he, Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw sang on the Orca in JAWS, “Show Me the Way to Go Home.”  He also says some of the same lines he said in JAWS, like “Fast fish!” And, finally, his character’s name is Matt, an obvious reference to his Matt Hooper character in JAWS. Very creative, about the only thing creative in this movie!

LS: Oh come on! The first scene is fun, but it’s just an appetizer for what follows.

Okay, so the piranhas make a beeline for Lake Victoria, where thousands of college kids are celebrating the festival of debauchery that is Spring Break. Sheriff Julie Forester (Elizabeth Shue) has to decide whether to close down the festivities (Spring Break is how this town makes it money) when she finds out about the killer fish.

MA:  Gee, where have I heard this plot point before?

LS: No one said this was going to be original!

MA: It would have helped.

LS:  Another main character is her son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen), who has been given the job of babysitting his young siblings, when what he really wants to do is join in on the Spring Break shenanigans. There’s also the girl he has a mad crush on, Kelly (Jessica Szohr). Things get complicated when Jake runs into Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell), a Joe Francis wannabe looking for a local guide to show him some hot spots to film his nudie films.

MA: Joe Francis from GIRLS GONE WILD?

LS: Yes, Francis is the guy behind all those GIRLS GONE WILD videos. Except here, Derrick Jones runs something called “Wild Wild Girls.” And he brings two hot chicks (brunette bombshell Kelly Brook and blonde porn star Riley Steele) out to the middle of the ocean to get naked. Jake agrees to go along as their guide, and Jones convinces Kelly to tag along, hoping to get her naked, too (There’s a good possibility, since the ship they’re on is flowing with champagne and tequila).

MA:  Yes, most of this movie plays like a GIRLS GONE WILD video. So, I suppose, if that’s what you’re looking for, go see PIRANHA 3D.

LS: Yeah, a GIRLS GONE WILD video if you put it in a blender!

MA:  Exactly!  Which is something I don’t want to see.

(THE LOCH NESS MONSTER lifts his head out of the water)

NESSIE: Did you say GIRLS GONE WILD? I’d like to see that. I’m rather fond of boobies.

MA: Who isn’t?  I’m just saying they shouldn’t be the centerpiece of a horror movie!

NESSIE: Why not?

MA:  Listen, you silly serpent. What do you know about movies?

LS:  He seems to know more than you.

(NESSIE goes back under water.)

Jake’s young brother and sister row out to a small island where they get stranded. They’re supposed to be staying home, staying out of trouble, while Jake is away, so their mother doesn’t know they’re home alone. From this point on, it’s basically a game of chance, as we wait to see who lives and who dies when the monster fish finally attack. Not only that, but it’s all in 3D!

MA: Which is another reason not to see this movie. Because it’s in 3D, it costs more than your usual ticket price. The 3D effects are definitely not worth it here. While there are some shots that take advantage of the 3D and show some neat depth perception, for the most part, it’s wasted. And I thought the piranha special effects were awful!  The fish looked fake, cartoonish and anything but scary.

LS: Okay, so the piranhas look a little cartoony. I’ll give you that.

MA:  A little cartoony? They look horrible!  They’re about as authentic-looking as that fish on the wall in those McDonalds Filet of Fish commercials!  Give me a break!

LS (sings): Give me that Fillet-O-Fish. Give me that fish!

(Suddenly a school of piranha leap out of the water singing the chorus to that commercial ditty.)

MA (applauds): What can I say?  I like this song!

(RONALD MCDONALD swims by the dock, being pursued by a huge shark fin)

LS: At one point, Sheriff Shue is able to capture one of the fish alive and bring it to the local aquarium store guy, Mr. Goodman (played by Christopher Lloyd as yet another doddering old professor type), who identifies the critter as not just a piranha, but a prehistoric precursor – the first piranha ever – animals that supposedly have not lived on this planet for two million years!

The plot is simplistic enough. The acting is okay, for the most part. But the two main reasons to see this movie, aside from the 3D effects, are boobs and blood. This movie has plenty of both.

MA: I figured you’d enjoy the nudity. Sure, there’s plenty of naked flesh to go around. Trouble is, that’s not why I paid the big bucks to see PIRANHA 3D. Plus, in a movie like this, you know you’re going to see all those wonderful nude bodies bloodied up and disfigured eventually, and that’s not my idea of fun.

LS: What a killjoy!

MA: Sure, there are some great-looking bodies in this movie, but this eye candy in and of itself doesn’t come close to saving this shipwreck of a film.

And I found the blood and gore in this one on the tasteless side. That one huge bloodbath scene, the centerpiece of this movie, where the piranhas feast on all the frightened swimmers, goes on way too long and relies only on shock rather than suspense. This scene bored me. Plus it bordered on stupidity. I mean, you have police officers firing rifles into the water teeming with people. Not that realistic.

LS: Yeah, what was up with that? Shooting fish with guns! That’s pretty stupid.

MA: I’m surprised you didn’t like that.

LS: Come on now. Why use a gun when you can use your teeth? (Smiles to reveal his blood-stained teeth.) And what about the wonderful array of graphic wounds and flowing blood?! That certainly made the movie enjoyable for me. They didn’t skimp on the gross make-up effects or the fake blood—it’s all over the place. And lots of people get parts of themselves chewed off.

MA:  This movie stank, and the non-stop graphic wounds and mutilations are a major reason why. And you said it when you said “fake blood.”  The special effects in this one were horrible. So, not only are we forced to watch an endless array of tasteless mutilations, we have to watch lousy special effects to boot!

LS: Did we see the same movie? Because I really dug this one.

MA:  I wanted to like this one, but I have to tell you, within the first few minutes I noticed that the special effects didn’t look so hot, and from there it was just one thing after another.

(SIGMUND from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS—a kids’ TV series from 1973-1975—scurries across the dock. He looks like a big pile of tentacles and seaweed, with a funny face.)

SIGMUND: Johnny, Johnny! Oh my gosh, where’s Johnny?

MA: He’s looking for his old pal, Johnny Whitaker. Do you think he’s still alive?

LS: Who cares. Johnny’s not here, you little mush-head.

SIGMUND: I know he’s not here. I just came by to do this. (shouts) CHUM BUCKET!

(SIGMUND swings a bucket, splashing them with blood and fish heads)

MA:  What the—?

LS:  (wipes himself off and licks his fingers):  Thanks for the snacks….mush-head!

(SIGMUND laughs and runs away)

LS: Where was I? Oh yeah. And don’t forget the extended scene where the two “Wild Wild Girls” go diving naked and perform an elegant underwater ballet together, and with the 3D you almost feel like you can reach out and touch them.

MA:  That scene made me laugh. Sure, the two girls here are beautiful, but I kept thinking, don’t they need to come up for air?  They’re down there underwater without breathing apparatus forever!  And I didn’t think the 3D effects added anything to this scene.

LS: Psst. I think that scene was supposed to be funny. Sexy, too.

PIRANHA 3D was directed by Alexandre Aja, who also gave us the remake of THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006), which I enjoyed a lot, as well as HIGH TENSION (HAUTE TENSION, 2003) and MIRRORS (2008).He’s never been one for originality, which continues here (PIRANHA 3D is a remake of the 1978 Joe Dante film PIRANHA). The original had a fun script by John Sayles. The new film, written by Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg isn’t as smart, but it does give us plenty of what made 70s splatter movies so good. Plenty of girls and gore.

MA:  I was extremely disappointed with the direction by Aja. He gave us one suspenseful scene in this movie, the scene where the underwater divers explore the mysterious cave for the first time. In a film full of bloody piranha attacks,this was the only scene that even came close to being frightening.

LS: Really, I thought the cave exploration scenes went on too long, and were kinda boring. And when they finally reach the prehistoric lake beneath the ocean, it’s a disappointment. Where’s all the other prehistoric sea life? All there are are tons of piranha eggs. I guess they ate up all the other animals. But don’t they have any predators that eat them?

MA: I found the main bloodbath scene in the movie—where the piranhas attack all the swimmers—boring, and while the final scene generated a little bit of suspense, it fell way too flat.

LS: I dunno. I liked it.

MA: A red flag was raised immediately when I saw that screenwriters Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg had written the screenplay. These two guys also wrote SORORITY ROW (2009) which we reviewed earlier this year. SORORITY ROW was probably the worst movie I’ve seen this year, which means that Goldfinger and Stolberg have now achieved special status in my book, because now they’re responsible for writing two of the worst movies I’ve seen this year. PIRANHA 3D is horrible. It’s interesting that both their scripts for SORORITY ROW and PIRANHA 3D were obsessed with sex and extremely shallow in terms of anything else.

LS If I have one complaint, it’s about Steven R. McQueen as Jake. Boy, did I hate this character! He’s one of these bland goody-goody guys who lacks a discernable personality, and the movie focuses on him way too much. Are we supposed to identify with this uptight jerk who needs to take the stick out of his ass? I didn’t.

And I his young siblings were irritating as hell, the way they get stranded on an island and put themselves in jeopardy. Every time they showed those dumb kids, I kept hoping they’d get chewed to bits.

MA:  This is so much fun today!  Guess who was my favorite character?  You got it, Jake, played by Steven R. McQueen. By far, I thought McQueen, the grandson of film legend Steve McQueen, delivered the best performance in the movie. I liked his character, and I wasn’t turned off at all by his goody-goody persona. He could have been Clark Kent’s brother on SMALLVILLE.

LS: Yeah, if Clark Kent’s brother was made out of wood. Steven sure didn’t inherit any acting chops from his granddad. And Elizabeth Shue is okay as the sheriff, even if she never does get in touch with her “wild” side. She‘s a little too matronly here.

MA:  I like Elizabeth Shue a lot, but I wasn’t all that impressed by her performance in this movie. There were times when she seemed to be just going through the motions. To me, she didn’t turn it on until the end of the movie, when she has to rescue her family. Before that, she hadn’t really lit any sparks.

LS: I agree. Like her son, she’s boring. But at least Shue has some acting talent.

Ving Rhames is okay as her deputy, but he’s not given an awful lot to do. And director Eli Roth (the HOSTEL movies) shows up as a radio DJ who hosts a wet T-shirt contest.

I actually liked Jerry O’Connell’s character, even if he is pretty sleazy (at least he had a personality) and the two girls he brings along for the film shoot are real easy on the eyes (especially during their underwater “dance”).

MA:  I have to admit, O’Connell did a good job with the role, but I hated the character, so I didn’t really enjoy watching him. And I thought he was a little clichéd.

LS: And Jake wasn’t clichéd? How many goody-two-shoes teens have we seen in these movies, playing the hero? He’s much more of a cliché than O’Donnell’s character is. How about a teen hero who isn’t an uptight virgin?

MA:  I don’t think he came off as uptight. I think he was just reacting to the sleaziness of Jerry O’Connell’s character. And no, Jake wasn’t as clichéd. We see him act recklessly when he leaves his young sibling alone, we see him act heroic and we see him frightened. Jones we just see obsessed with filming and being a jerk.

LS: Less of Shue’s dumb kids (including Jake) would have made this movie better. In fact, I wouldn’t have minded if Jake’s girlfriend Kelly had been the main character instead of him. She seems a lot more interesting. And even though she’s sort of uptight, too, at least she has a likable personality.

The 3D effects work  better here than they did in something like CLASH OF THE TITANS, which just looked muddy. There are long stretches where the 3D doesn’t do a whole lot, but every once in awhile there’s a “jump in your seat” moment that makes it worthwhile. However, there is no way 3D movies are worth the extra price. Where I am, I had to pay $14.50 for a movie ticket that’s normally $11.50. And why can’t I just recycle the 3D glasses I still had from CLASH OF THE TITANS and AVATAR, and save some cash?

MA:  I agree that it’s not worth the extra price, and while I also agree that the 3D here did look better than CLASH OF THE TITANS, it did so to me because there was better scenery—the ocean, the beach, the bodies—but this had less to do with the 3D than the principal photography.

LS: Okay. You’re not going to get tons of great 3D scenes here. Just a few. But it’s not that bad. I just didn’t think it was worth the extra ticket price, that’s all.

I liked this movie and I liked the way it was a throwback to the wilder days of the 1970s. I also really liked the bloody free-for-all scene in this movie. It’s the most gore I’ve seen onscreen in a long time. Between that and the naked underwater dance, I give this movie three knives.

MA: I didn’t like this movie at all. In fact, it’s one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year.

LS: Are you forgetting the TWILIGHT movies?

MA: I’m desperately trying to!

The direction here is weak, as Alexandre Aja’s idea of something scary is having a girl’s scalp torn off by a motor boat propeller. The script is juvenile and pointless, with more emphasis on its GIRLS GONE WILD storyline than the piranhas. The special effects and the 3D effects are both subpar, and yet you have to shell out extra bucks to see this movie!  Don’t do it. Don’t waste your money on this poor horror effort.

PIRANHA 3D has weak writing, mindless direction, tepid special effects and a misguided emphasis on bloody mutilations and abundant nudity, two things that can contribute to a good horror film, but shouldn’t be its main focus. Isn’t that what the piranhas are supposed to be?  The main focus of this movie?  But they’re not. They’re just an excuse to get people into the theater to see this movie, which should be titled GIRLS GONE BLOODY WILD.

LS: Hmmm. I dunno. I’d pay to see a movie called GIRLS GONE BLOODY WILD.

MA:  Well, I give PIRANHA 3D a big fat zero knives. Skip this one and go fishing instead!

LS:. Fishing! I forgot about that. Time for dessert!

(LS dives back into the water. Soon afterwards, the water runs red)

MA: Looks like he caught something. Well, until next time, this is the Cinema Knife Fight guys saying; enjoy the rest of the summer!

—END—

© Copyright 2010 by Michael Arruda and L.L. Soares

Michael Arruda gives PIRANHA 3D – ZERO KNIVES!


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L.L. Soares gives PIRANHA 3D - THREE KNIVES!


3 Comments »

THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS

Posted in 2010, Campy Movies, Drive-in Movies, Grindhouse, Horror-Comedies, LL Soares Reviews, Trasmissions to Earth with tags , , , , , on August 20, 2010 by knifefighter

Transmissions to Earth # 2 – THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS (1966)
Review by L.L. Soares

Some movies are fairly straightforward and can be judged on their merits. Other movies, like THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS (1966) need to be reviewed using a totally different criterion. You see, this movie is one of those “so bad it’s good” classics that defy such things are narrative and logic. But it’s entertaining as hell, nonetheless.

Of course, this movie won’t be everyone’s cup of grog. It jumps back and forth regularly from out-and-out comedy to vivid gore scenes (where the color is enhanced for extra special redness). I had heard about this movie for years, but never got around to actually seeing it for some reason. For awhile there, it was hard to come by, but I finally got a copy as part of a “Grindhouse Double Shock Show”  DVD from Alpha Home Entertainment ( co-billed with another low-budget gore flick, CARNIVAL OF BLOOD).

The plot, as it is, involves three motorcycle hoodlums who go around committing horrible murders and terrorizing the city. Just who are these chumps? Well, one of them is Mort the Undertaker (Ray Dennis). The others are two thugs who run the local “greasy spoon” diner. It seems Mort has hired these guys to help him commit murders because his undertaker business has been slow, and he needs customers (!) When the cops show up at the scenes of the crime, so does Mort, to pressure the grieving relatives at their most vulnerable time to use his services. Not only is he more than happy to commit murder to drum up work, he has the audacity to overcharge his customers on top of it – at first offering $144.95 deals on funerals and then tacking on tons of “extras.” One bereaved soul actually faints when he sees the final bill for $1205! The guy protests, but Mort just looks sinister and says “You’ll pay it. Oh, yes, you’ll pay.”

Meanwhile, his two accomplices—the “pals” of the title—run a weird diner where most of the things on the menu are not available. Each day, they only serve their “special.” For example, on the day after they kill poor Sarah Lamb and remove her legs, the special of the day is “Leg of Lamb.” And when they impale poor Anna Poultry on a fence spike, the next day’s special is “Breast of Chicken” and so on.

Stumbling onto this grisly scheme is private detective Harry Glass (James Westmoreland), who used to be Anna Poultry’s boss (she kept bugging him to marry her). Harry sure doesn’t seem very upset when he shows up at Anna’s murder scene. He even laughs out loud when, after he signs a contract with Mort (who of course, is there too, looking for customers), the undertaker trips on a skateboard and ends up on his butt in the middle of the street.

This is exactly the kind of broad slapstick you’ll find in THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS. But then there are bloody scenes of murder, reminiscent of the kind of gore you’d find in the films of Herschell Gordon Lewis or Andy Milligan. You almost wonder how the movie would have been if they’d played it completely straight throughout, but then you’d miss out on so many silly gags!

You know right from the start you’re what you’re in for, when the first victim is stabbed to death and the photo of her sailor boyfriend (who’s pretty ugly) actually changes to have reaction shots to what’s going on.

Another scene that pretty much sums up this movie happens later on, when Mort loses his motorcycle’s license plate and gets shot when they flee from a gun-toting lady after a murder. The two thugs reason that they should get rid of Mort, because the cops will be looking for him and he’s a liability. This makes sense. But then, all of a sudden, Mort escapes from the first thug (the one holding him) and grabs the guy instead. “Hey instead of me, let’s kill him” Mort says, and the second thug is only too  happy to go along, even though killing the first thug MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! They actually had a reason to want to get rid of Mort. To get rid of the other guy is ludicrous, and yet they chain him up and lower him into a vat of acid anyway (and the tough guy suddenly starts screaming like a little girl – but then again, so would you if you were lowered into a vat of acid).

Ray Dennis as Mort the Undertaker  is actually pretty funny in all of his scenes. He was in a handful of other flicks (including Ted V. Mikels’ 1971 classic, THE CORPSE GRINDERS), but I’m surprised he wasn’t in a lot more movies. He comes off as a poor man’s Vincent Price, but without the beard and with a bald head. The thugs and Harry Glass are pretty funny too. And there are several hot girls (including characters who are identical twins!) , although the movie strangely shies away from any nudity. All of the girls are quite well-endowed, but nobody takes their bra (or panties) off, even if they are being prepared for the meat grinder! (So that’s how that bra strap got in my hamburger!)

The end credits show that all of the actors playing the victims are alive and well (as if we really thought the onscreen murders were real!), while a very cool bluesy song called “You Never Met a Devil Like Me” plays on the soundtrack. In fact, almost all of the soundtrack music for this movie is swinging stuff – from jazzy  music to minor-note creepiness during the murder scenes.

Of course, you haven’t heard of anyone in the cast. At the end, when they show everyone, they don’t even show their names! Even director T.L.P. Swicegood (what a normal-sounding name!) only directed one, single film, AND THIS WAS IT! You mean to tell me nobody clammered back in 1966 for an UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS 2?

There’s no way you’ll mistake THE UNDERTAKER AND HIS PALS for a masterpiece. But you’ll be laughing out loud several times. For sheer entertainment value, it’s worth checking out. But leave your brain in the fish tank when you watch this one.

-THE END (OR IS IT??)-

© Copyright 2010 by  L.L. Soares

2 Comments »

Suburban Grindhouse Memories: BLOODTIDE

Posted in 2010, Horror, Hot Chick Movies, Monsters, Suburban Grindhouse Memories with tags , , , , , on August 19, 2010 by knifefighter

SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE MEMORIES Vol. 11: BLOODTIDE (1982)
A (Nearly) Monster-less Monster Movie
by Nick Cato

 

American newspaper ad for BLOODTIDE

 

Between the years of 1980 and 1986, I was obsessed with an ABC-TV sitcom called TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT.  Not only did it feature the hysterical Ted Knight and Deborah Van Valkenberg (better known to cult film freaks as Mercy from 1979’s THE WARRIORS), it also introduced the world to the unbelievably beautiful actress, Lydia Cornell, who starred as Ted Knight’s daughter for the first five seasons.  Being a 12-year-old heterosexual when this show first aired, I was instantly ga-ga over Lydia Cornell.  Did I mention Lydia Cornell was a beautiful actress?  Even if TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT wasn’t half as funny as it was, I still would have tuned in just to see Lydia Cornell.

Imagine how my pulse-rate skyrocketed during my freshman year of high school when I saw the above ad for a horror film called BLOODTIDE (1982). If you look closely at the credits, you’ll see Lydia Cornell’s name.  If you look at the rating of the film, it’s  R.  Lydia Cornell was in an R-rated film.  Did I mention that I was ga-ga over Lydia Cornell?

Needless to say, my (underage) friends and I once again hit the (now defunct) Amboy Twin Cinema (their tag line should have been, “Give us Five Bucks, We’ll Let You In!”) on opening night, hoping to see Lydia Cornell get chased by some kind of sea monster . . . maybe even naked.

The plot is simple enough: a scuba diver looking for treasure off a Greek isle accidentally unleashes an ancient sea creature that happens to be looking for virgin sacrifices (relax . . . it’s not a quarter as exciting as the set up promised).  James Earl Jones (I guess he didn’t make enough money the same year playing CONAN’s arch enemy) stars as Lydia Cornell’s boyfriend (hey, who says wealth doesn’t have its benefits?).  Like the rest of the cast (which includes Jose ‘THE SENTINEL” Ferrer), Jones is wasted in this slow-moving waste of celluloid that isn’t even saved by its nice scenery and exotic locale.

So why did I decide to dedicate an entire column to BLOODTIDE, arguably one of the most forgettable “horror” films of the 80s?  Well, it surely isn’t due to the sea creature, who (and I’m not joking here, folks) is seen for MAYBE a total of five seconds of screen time in a bubbly-underwater sequence; the thing looked like a stone gargoyle statue with the head of that Bald Eagle Muppet (remember him?).  Apparently any money the producers dropped into this celluloid abomination went to Mr. Jones’s paycheck and the cost of flying the cast and crew to Greece; it SURELY didn’t go into creature FX, and it DEFINITELY didn’t go into fulfilling the dreams of Lydia Cornell’s adolescent fans.

As Jones’s girlfriend Barbara, Lydia Cornell has little screen time, although one scene had the mostly-male audience cheering in anticipation as she hits the beach in a tiny white bikini (see pic below), then removes her top and starts working out.  We see most of this through the eyes of someone spying on her from the nearby rocks.  But our cheers quickly turned to jeers when the only nudity shown was a slight peek at the SIDE of one of her breasts.  Why BLOODTIDE, with its absence of nudity and laughable “gore” (i.e. a few “red-water” shots) received an R rating is anyone’s guess.

So as another cinematic turkey was verbally abused by my friends and me during the closing credits, I began to anticipate seeing Lydia that coming Tuesday night on television.  The simple HOPE this film gave us of (possibly) seeing Lydia in the buff was enough to make the film a memorable one . . . NOT a good memory, but an interesting one that gave us a little bit of a thrill, which is more than I can say for the majority of mainstream film fare released around the same time.

I’ve since gone on to forgive Lydia (but NOT anyone else connected with the production of this film) for teasing us with the idea that the star of TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT might be doing a nude scene in a “monster” movie.

Man, were we duped; but those were the chances you took in a suburban grindhouse.

-END-

© Copyright 2010 by Nick Cato

 

Lydia Cornell (in white bikini) and friend teasing the audience in BLOODTIDE

 

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