CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: NEW MOVIE PREVIEW/DECEMBER 2009
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares
(MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L.SOARES are seated inside an elegant theater dressed in tuxedos, and sipping champagne.)
MA: Isn’t this cool? Our very own premiere party!
LS: I’ve been to better.
MA: I don’t know. I’m impressed.
LS (shrugs): You don’t get out much, do you?
MA: What do you mean? They let me out of my cage every we— I mean, I go out every weekend.
(Notices LS’s beverage. It’s red): What’s that you’re drinking?
MA: Figures. They give us free champagne, and you pass on it and drink blood instead.
LS: I didn’t pass. I already drank the champagne. Now I’m drinking blood. It’s good stuff. Type O.
MA: Whatever floats your boat. (Addresses audience) Anyway, we’re here tonight to give you a preview of movies that we’ll be reviewing in December.
LS: It’s not a big month for horror movies – which is our usual fare. But there are a couple of genre movies we’ll be reviewing.
MA: The big one, coming out on December 18, is AVATAR, and I have to say I’m really looking forward to this one. The trailer looks great, and it’s by James Cameron, who of course brought us THE TERMINATOR (1984) and ALIENS (1986). Haven’t heard much from him lately, not since his Oscar winning epic TITANIC in 1997, so I have high expectations for AVATAR. You?
LS: I’m going to reserve judgment until we see it. The trailer looks good, but the CGI aliens don’t look as amazing as the hype would have us believe. Then again, it may improve a lot in 3-D. Do you think you’ll be able to see this one in 3-D, or is New Hampshire still in the Stone Age?
MA: New Hampshire’s not in the Stone Age, even though it is known as the Granite State. From what I’ve read, a large number of theaters nationwide aren’t equipped to show the new 3-D movies , which require new technology. So it’s not just here in New Hampshire! That being said, my local theater does have signs announcing prices for 3-D movies, so I’m hoping that this means 3-D is on its way!
(The TERMINATOR shows up and hands them press kits)
MA: Gee, thanks! Our very own press kits!
LS: Aren’t you supposed to be governing California?
TERMINATOR: I’ll be back.
LS: I think it’s time you came up with an original line.
(MA& LS go through press kits, finding models of AVATAR creatures, a miniature ALIEN, and a Leonardo DiCaprio doll, which LS tosses over his shoulder).
MA: Don’t throw that too far. We’ll be seeing him again in SHUTTER ISLAND next year.
LS: Gee, I can’t wait (grimaces). And finally, at the end of the month, we get to see THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS. This is interesting for two reasons. First of all, it’s directed by Terry Gilliam, whose work I usually enjoy a lot, and it’s the last role Heath Ledger had before he died. You know, the Joker from THE DARK KNIGHT (2008). Supposedly he died in the middle of filming PARNASSUS, but they were able to work around this by having another actor take over his role for half the film. I’m curious to see how this works out.
MA: Yes, I like Terry Gilliam’s work as well. I have fond memories of TIME BANDITS (1981) and BRAZIL (1985).
LS: BRAZIL was terrific. I’ve been a fan of Gilliam’s since the Monty Python days, when he did the animation and sometimes appeared in skits. I’m also a big fan of his Hunter S. Thompson flick FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS (1998) and I really liked his last movie, TIDELAND (2005), a lot. He’s definitely one of the more interesting directors around today.
(THE JOKER walks by with a tray)
JOKER: Hors d’ourves, gentlemen?
LS: No thanks.
MA (reaches out): Sure! I’m hungry. Some of us here didn’t fill up on liquids! (Frowns at LS).
LS (Slaps his hand away): We’re fine, really.
(JOKER walks away.)
MA: What? It’s okay for you to have extra drinks, but I can’t have any food?
LS: I was doing you a favor. It’s the Joker. That stuff is probably poisoned.
MA: You’re going soft. In the old days, you’d be the one serving the poison.
LS: That’s not it at all. This is my show. If there’s anyone who’s going to serve poison around here, it’s going to be me. More champagne? (Offers MA the bottle).
MA: Yeah, right. I’ll pass.
LS: Suit yourself. (Swigs from bottle, then tosses it at MA’s head, who ducks out of the way.) That’s it for December movies.
MA: At least for movies we’re covering with Cinema Knife Fight reviews. We’re sure to have some new solo reviews throughout December as well.
LS: And don’t forget, coming this January, our lists for the Top Movies of 2009.
(Car driven by the TERMINATOR crashes through the theater wall, sending MA and LS running for cover).
MA: Well, since our party here has been crashed, (groaning from off camera) it’s time for us to go. We’ll see you the weekend of December 18th, with our review of AVATAR.
LS: And look for us in the meantime right here at the “official” Cinema Knife Fight Web site, as we’ll have other special treats coming up as well.
MA: Until next time—.(They run away as the TERMINATOR and the JOKER chase them)